Maid to Perform

by Jimrossi

3

 

I awoke in Mistress Paula's limousine, feeling somehow strange yet happy. Dressed in a knee length silk Chinese dress that covered my neck, on my feet were red strappy sandals and somehow they seemed luxurious. I wore the most delicious feeling silk underwear and my body tingled. Every bump brought a shiver to me.

"Well Sindy you are awake" Mistress Paula addressed me.

I was confused, first Sam, Sissie and now Sindy like the doll, I looked at her questioning if she was addressing me.

"Yes Silly Sindy, I mean you" poking me on the shoulder, "Perhaps I should explain, watch this"

She placed a DVD in the machine in the car, I saw myself, my old self on the table as a blanket was placed over me only showing my waist down and chest. The machine went fuzzy and next sight was of the doctor fucking my vagina and squeezing my breasts as I just lay their asleep. After he was finished he gave a thumbs up to the camera and the sight went to black. This seemed strange as there was no body suit and my prone body moved sub consciously with his movements. I seemed to be enjoying it.

"That's right Sindy, you have a new proper vagina and breasts, no more fake titties for you, go ahead, feel them."

I felt my breasts and every caress felt exquisite, then my hand went downwards under the Chinese dress to my pussy, my real pussy as I rubbed my pussy through the silk panties. I was now a woman biologically.

"Stop that Sindy, you see with a new body comes a new name, you have a new identity and everything has been arranged, here check your purse" she passed me a purse.

Inside was a driving licence, birth certificate, credit cards, passport and other essential paperwork for a new life. Also inside was a mirror and makeup, using the mirror I saw my beautiful surgery adapted face and made me look even more wonderful with the make up. My mind thought of frigging myself until I came but Mistress Paula stopped this.

"Now Sindy, let me explain, I know you want to cum but I will not allow it yet. We are going back to college, there you will learn all about college life, administration, nursing, childcare and other subjects to set you up in a new life. You will take all the tests and will be expected to pass them. Now I still own you as long as you are in college. You will attend for a year, and then when you have the qualifications you will be free to choose your own path. Your studies are paid for by your service to the school. At assembly tomorrow at the start of term, you will be introduced to the girls, they will know your schedule and I am sure will help you. You will be passed to every section until you are deemed qualified in this section. Make no mistake, it will be hard. You will not get your own room, but in the trunk is your clothes, all brand new, a gift from Mistress and myself. To thank me, kiss me on the lips" she asked.

I kissed her with my new female lips, larger than before and my mind tingled with joy, hers too as her hands caressed my breasts. Pulling away she apologised for getting turned on and promised it would not happen again. I felt regret at the last statement for I wished to use her in a feminine manner.

That night we arrived, I slept in a dormitory bed on my own awaiting the arrival of the girls tomorrow, girls who I would be working for in the college staff and also studying with. Some of the girls were stunners and I now wanted to pursue lesbian relations even though it was not allowed. That night I slept in silk/satin nightie as my hands were handcuffed to the headboard, a precautionary measure by Mistress Paula whom knew my sexual lust.

 

I awoke and dressed in the clothes laid out for me, these were a short black mini skirt, black lacy underwear, a white transparent blouse with frilly edges, the school tie (even teachers wore the school tie to show their loyalty to the school), black suit jacket and black four inch heels covering my hold-up stockings. I looked stunning, after doing my make up for the day, clutching my work bag I left the room and ventured to the assembly hall. Opening the door, it was empty, until the head mistress entered.

"Ah Miss Sindy you are here, well you look very smart, now today you will sit with the teachers at the side and when called you will be introduced as with everyone else, you not be expected to speak but can say a small bit if you like. I would suggest it so the ice is broken with the students and staff. Now for this week to break you in, you will assist the administration and when that is learnt you will around the many sections. At 3 pm you will attend various classes and will take the same tests. When a project is given you will join that team and do as required. If you need any extra time for these projects, let me know so I can arrange the time off. Now please sit, but follow the lead from the teacher next to you".

With that she left to the top of the stage as the teachers first entered taking their places, then the students stood as did all of us including me until the head mistress told us all to sit.

"Now ladies, this is a new term and as every new term we introduce ourselves to you" she announced. She introduced the teachers who said their term aims, then I was introduced.

"Hello Ladies" said nervously but their smiles gave me confidence "I am Miss Sindy, I will be learning the school duties so you will see me around with the different sections. Also I will be attending your classes to learn the same skills as you. Thank for letting me speak and I hope we will help each other" I finished to applause. It seemed to go fine as the teachers shook my hand as did the dormitory leaders including Mistress Paula who was in her last year of studies.

For the week I learned how to do reception, administration, enrolment of students, and all other office tasks to both my and my superiors surprise with effortless ease. At 3 pm as advised I attended a course in childcare, all the courses were short term intensive with a lot of practice. The first one was basic first aid, we learned mouth to mouth resuscitation , bandaging. Second week would be advanced first aid. It was on this course that I was used a lot as the dummy to practice the first aid, also I did my sharing of practicing. The girls seemed to nice as in my free time we practiced in the dorms. It was here that I became very popular, every practice the girls would lay me on their bed, undo the blouse a little bit more each time, do the checks then breathe into my mouth only a lot of the time their tongues followed with their hands on my breasts. I came almost every time and duly had to change my knickers every day. For every climax the girl responsible who also came, some rubbing my pussy , bought me a pack of silk new underwear.

The next week I was chosen to aid the drama teacher and ended up behind the scenes helping the girls change into costumes, how their lithe toned bodies turned me on. When the teacher was not looking the girls would strip naked to entice me but then the teacher would return halting all thoughts bar professional. Again I was used as the dummy for advanced first aid. At night I stayed with the trainer of that week or weeks. So in the first week it was with the secretary, a crusty old lady, who liked to watch me change in her presence before changing to nightie in next bed beside her. No touching at all.

The drama teacher, a first year teacher straight from college herself, liked to discuss the next days events with no emotion, thus she was not popular to the students when I was. Things were okay until the drama teacher insulted one pupil and I had to intervene to save her job. From that moment on, we were the best of friends, and I mean 'Friends'. For every night we slept in the same bed making love into the early hours until we had a few hours sleep before back to work. I was with her for three weeks before being passed onto the Nurse.

Now the nurse wore a traditional uniform, starched apron, she was cordial but not very friendly until for some reason she was replaced mid term by a new younger nurse who took a great interest in me. Her uniform was far shorter, holding stockings underneath, hair tied back and little apron/hat combo. How I wanted to fuck her from the first moment. Our first meeting did not go down too well though.

 

"Hello I am Miss Rona, school Nurse, I believe you will assist me until 3 pm every day until you learn all the duties needed. Now I understand you have just passed the advanced first aid class. That will help you. Now get changed into the uniform I have provided. This is yours" she ordered in harsh tone.

Miss Rona passed me a long blue checked dress down to my ankles, low heeled black shoes, white starched apron, gloves and white hat. I looked dowdy, not the like I wanted. I wanted to be dressed just as she. For three days, I washed the floors, oversaw the basic first aid without being to assist. Should Miss Rona find dirty (boy could she find the most hidden of grime) I was punished with a ruler over the knuckles. I hated the bitch with intensity. Many of the girls also hated her, almost all did, many complained but nothing was done to her. The girls saw the ruler marks on my knuckles, some kissing it better but not on the knuckles but on my face, breasts. I was happy for these marks then.

At night with Miss Rona, I was told to sleep on the waiting table, in the nurses room in grey cotton pyjamas whilst she locked the door for the night. I missed my silk nightie.

Then one day I entered the nurse office after showering and changing into my dowdy uniform to find Miss Rona was not there. Instead I saw her sexy uniform on the floor cut up. Now my classes recently had been in home economics and our project was to make and repair clothes. So that night after treating the girls who entered I repaired her uniform leaving on her bed before sleeping on the treatment table alone again. In the morning I awoke to find her next to me with our arms and legs mingled as one. I was naked as was she with my pjs on the floor cut off me. She awoke kissing me deeply before we showered together and I got ready to be dressed. Instead of the dowdy dress I wore previously, I was presented with a sexy dress like hers only in pvc, the pvc underwear (white panties and bra, the pvc elastic white stockings, the white heeled shoes, white short pvc dress which she helped me into using talc, the pvc apron, white gloves, also pvc with grip, and the hat atop my head. I almost came when seeing myself in the new uniform, I loved it. Miss Rona dressed in her mended uniform, that week in college was amazing, I dressed in my pvc uniform, the girls loved it and I felt sexy as hell. The first night I slept with Miss Rona, naked our bodies joined as, I wore a creamy pink negligee matching hers until they were ripped off our bodies. She explained up until my time as nurse assistant that her boyfriend had dumped after seeing me and thus was why she hated me at the start but then she lost it one night removing her uniform.

The next assignment was to work in the canteen, here I wore two outfits: one a stunning light blue rubber waitress dress with matching hat and apron, when serving, second a maids uniform in kitchen. The maids uniform fitted like a glove, although in tight rubber I was so used to being a maid I was training the others in it.

Next was for PE, there I was in the cheerleading troop, I sauntered from gym to field hockey wearing gymslips, bibs. Mostly I was given a cheerleading outfit to wear, which consisted of my hair tied in bunches, school colour tight top showing some midriff emphasising my breasts, a short skirt, white ankle socks and plimsolls. Here I joined the team learning routines, I was even invited to join the squad but after passing PE I joined matrons staff.

Matron was a person who part nanny, part disciplinarian, part carer. My task here was to stay awake at night making sure the girls were all in the beds, cleaned up and ready to sleep. At ten o clock I turned of the night, should I be called I went to the girls trying to solve their problems. For a few nights it was quiet, here I wore a white lab coat, and smart sensible shoes, no make up as I was position of responsibility, or at least I thought I was. Then every night when the girls knew of my position I was called for such important matters as a good night kiss, then good night 69. Under my white lab coat, I wore white knickers and bra, Basque and stockings. Matron passed me quickly within the week as the girls seemed more tired than before, she never knew why.

 

During my lessons I passed with flying colours through hard work and help from the girls, eager willing to help. In the final term after passing all exams I was told to take childcare, nannying and dressmaking. In childcare, I often played the baby, I was told to wear a babies nappy all day and get a rash soiling my pink nappies so they could treat it. Also under the nappy was a vibrator in my pussy, planned by the girls. I drank breast milk from a pregnant woman, I was in heaven as I crawled on the floor supposed to be fed by the girls pussies. Nannying was strict, here there was no messing about, we (us girls) for two months learnt how to handle a child, care and feed. It was to be important for my future post. Thankfully I passed with flying colours.

Now to describe the dressmaking, all I learnt here was initially to model the clothes, then after wearing the girls clothes, I was shown how to make them, below is a list of the clothes I wore:

Little Bo Peep: A frilly crinoline ruffled short white skirt with white tights, half boots, a white tight crop top with frills all around, white gloves carrying a white hook with ribbons all around.

Medieval Wench: This was a see through Basque outfit with waist clincher and pink panties, my legs, thighs and breasts were easily seen through the fabric.

Nurse: This was less sexy than the rubber I wore with Miss Rona so I will not describe except it was pink.

Fairy: This was a green shimmery short dress with small wings at the back, green tights, shoes and head scarf, very strange to wear.

Little Red Riding Hood: Black shoes, black tights and underwear. A short red and white dress with frilly arm sleeves, small hood. Normal except for the latex material. I felt so constricted in this and yet excited.

Police woman: Basic style pvc dress, low cut and short with police cap on.

Heidi: Every girls dream costume apparently, it was nice but not for me. White stockings, short top covered with frilly Austrian style dress short showing my legs and panties.

Warrior: Like Xena's with thigh high boots, small top partially exposing my breasts, pvc panties, shoulder pads and arm bands. The sword gave me character. It was nice but not something I would choose to wear.

Finally Showgirl: Las Vega style leotard, shimmery and silver with feathers at the back, tights underneath hiding the push up bra and panties, a head dress that must have taken week to finish and shimmery silver gloves.

 

Photos were take of me in all outfits then presented to me at the end of the class. I made my own outfits but compared to theirs they were rubbish.

 

Finally the year was over, having passed all exams, made many special friends I was given my freedom, with no money I entered the real world. Mistress Paula made it clear I did not ask anyone I knew for a job as it would be important to establish myself first. So I did.

 

I joined a nanny agency and was presented with a family of single rich mother with a twelve year old and newly born. The mother was barely their so caring for the children was hard, hard especially when I told them off, she would threaten to sack me if I hurt her kids again so I was at their mercy. The new born was fine, cute and sweet, the twelve year old boy was hell. He would invite his friends round for me to look after. He would order me to dress in my maids outfit, he saw all my outfits knowing my clothes. When in my maids outfit, I would serve him and his friends. After having sex education classes they were unbearable. They called me over telling me to strip off my panties, then lift my skirt which was shortened anyway on his order. Now I did not want to lose this job so did anything to keep it even please this monster. When I was naked underneath, my hands lifting the skirt up, he put his hand in my vagina and keep it there. Next he told his friends to do the same to experience the feeling. I felt revolted by this, then they placed those nasty fingers in my backside as two boys finger fucked me. To my horror I came. Both boys presented their fingers to my mouth for me to suck.

Worse still, whenever I was in town, I saw Lillian with a man looking happy. Then a different man. Then pushing a wheelchair. As I pushed my charge (Not my own child for I was unable to bear children), I saw my son, a one year old called Sam. He never knew his father, and since it was me, how would he now. I went back to the house depressed by the sight of my son. That night the 12 year old brat yelled, I went to him to find his small penis erect telling me he did not wan to be a virgin anymore and to give him a blowjob and fuck him. Now he did not know what he was asking for, only asking as his friends had said they had had one so he must. His friends were lying but he was too stupid to realise and knowing I was around his little finger I had to do it. So sucked his little cock to erect where he came, then sat on his penis pretending I could feel him, he came again. That would have been fine but his friends slept over the next night and wanted the same. I objected and was fired the next day for so called abuse of him.

 

Now unemployed I went to a hotel and called Lillian who hearing of my state, offered me a job to look after Sam. I accepted readily. Looking after Sam was great, after all he was my own child but the men she brought back made me want for out time alone. Next I receive a call from Mistress Paula saying she has adopted a baby girl Jennifer and wants me to nanny her. I told of my post but she said that she would give me a small cottage on her mothers land where I could nanny the child in my own home, so I took it. During the week I cared for Jennifer 1 and Sam 2. On the weekends I was alone. Unsure of myself, no friends to spend with me. I got very down but never let it show.

For twelve years I cared for Sam and Jennifer, including their school years when not in school. They were brought up respectful and I was their Auntie Sindy. My decision to stopping for them came two years prior when Lillian married a man called Robert. He seemed a good man but to me he took my Lillian away, jealous I hated him and her. For two years I kept it in until started feeling ill and retired without giving reason.

Now I knew they were worried but I just packed my bags and left to go on a cruise, hurt and broken I joined the deck looking to find an answer to life. It was a year cruise that would take me around the world several times. Mistress Paula and Lillian were happy in their lives so why trouble them with depressing me anymore. The cruise would bring both joy, heartache and illness.

I used to sit on the deck with a book reading in my bikini showing off my still good body, every 10 years it was necessary to top me up on the plastic surgery, a dreadful thing to experience but necessary in my state. As I read, this young woman passed me several times smiling brighter every time. I thought nothing of it until I stared at her directly asking her what she was staring at, her nonchalant yet charming reply was 'The most beautiful woman I have ever seen'. I will admit I blushed but the depression in me told me not to allow her close.

Through time we introduced ourselves, her name was Cheryl, aged 25 and stunning. Whenever I saw her I looked back to go forward but depression forced me back into my cabin. It was one night when cabaret was on, as usual I stayed in, I did not want to see anyone let alone her. She knocked at my door delivering a bunch flowers with a card in. I had forgot it was my birthday, my driving licence said I was 35 today, the flowers were from Mistress Paula, a second bunch from Lillian, Sam and Robert. Those went into the sea.

Then I broke down, Cheryl knocked an hour later hearing my tears. She sat with me as I explained about Lillian, our relationship and her betrayal with Robert. I did not say about my full past as anyone would have run and I did not want her to run.

She listened until I was half asleep where she then gave a kiss on the cheek/lips goodnight. I felt tingles and the next morning I arose with a new purpose - Cheryl. The second half of the cruise was much more enjoyable. Me and Cheryl when not working as a stewardess spending time together, only kissing nothing more for still I held back with her. After all why would a stunning woman want me, an old former man, now woman dyke. Hell I didn't know what I was anymore, I wanted to tell her the truth, she wanted to know but I could never lose that secret.

Then came the argument, it all started as a silly comment which escalated into something far worse. I was about to change ships crossing the pacific when she asked would I like it if she got a job on my new boat. I thought this was just a holiday romance and nothing more but to her it was love, pure and simple, from the moment she first saw me it was love for her. I said something like 'Don't be silly, I am an old woman, you'll probably find someone else next cruise' to which she stormed out. I did not know at the time she was struggling with her lesbian sexuality and I seemed to ease her into her sexual choice, to be honest I did not truly care that much for her, only for the ego boost she gave me. The last three days of the cruise were hell for both of us, we both wanted to heal the rift but never did. I was about to leave for Australia in a few days, leaving the cruise ship when one night all the pressure built up in my head and I collapsed with a banging thud. I didn't move.

My cabin neighbour heard the thud and broke down the door, she ran for the ship doctor who came immediately, I was deemed breathing but not conscious .

A panic broke out until we hit port and I was taken to hospital. I awoke three months later with Mistress Paula and Cheryl watching over me. They informed me that I had been in a coma due to a possible aneurysm and needed psychological help, I think I did too. At that point I was very weak, my full female body withered to 5 stone, as I slept I heard al around me, Mistress Paula had taken leave to be with me. She questioned Cheryl about her life, our relationship and about my past. Mistress Paula once considered that she was good for me and that she was serious about me told here everything with no interruptions from Cheryl. Cheryl understandably was taken aback but accepted it. She then gave her fears about her sexuality and her choice for me. Mistress Paula hugged at the end reassuring her that her choice of liking women was good if it made her happy. A further 3 months I was placed back on the cruise to rehabilitate, Mistress Paula once convinced of my improving health returned home to Jennifer and the thriving family business. Cheryl now stayed with me in a double cabin with two beds not as staff but as a passenger paid for by Mistress Paula. Those 3 months were heaven, the weight of worries lifted as no arguments were allowed only good times, still we stayed in separate beds as we really got to know one another.

 

Our return back to my homeland was amazing, everyone was there at the dock, Mistress Paula, Jennifer, Lillian, Sam but no Robert (She didn't think it would help), Mistress and other friends from college. It was here that Sam whispered in my ear 'I know who my father is and I love him very much, DAD'. Tears ran down my face as he kissed my cheek, my 15 year old son accepted me as his father and with love. Lillian for one day I forgave until I resumed my unreasonable feud. That day we had a meal as I was given keys to a small house in a small village, it was a gift from all of them to me for my service. My savings would keep me for a long time, now it was time for me and Cheryl to see if we could both be happy.

 

For 6 months wall was good between us, Cheryl mainly looked after the house whilst I rested from my illness and constant manic depression. She was very comforting and understanding in a time that I knew was very stressful for her. When down I didn't eat, sleep and was very agitated. She put up with this and much more. Then 6 months and my birthday, no party as I didn't feel up to it. I wanted peace and quiet but Cheryl behind my back organised a surprise party. Taking me for a quiet meal we returned to find all our friends ready to celebrate, I stormed off and refused to enter again until all left.

 

When finally it was me and Cheryl in the house, I told her to leave immediately saying I never wanted to see her again. A remark I regretted the minute it left my lips. To Cheryl this was the final straw, so packing her bags, she rang Mistress Paula who picked her up taking her to her home to comfort her until it all cooled down. Sadly the more I was alone the more I got nasty, nobody could talk to me without getting abuse. This wasn't depression, this was evil behaviour caused by inward hatred of oneself. A condition I did not wish to stop and knew not how to.

For a year I was alone in the house, barely eating, sleeping or washing. I hated life and myself. A further six months later, I was found in the kitchen naked on the floor unconscious. The pressure of hatred caused me collapse again. It was a 15 year old Sam, my son who found, calling everyone who cared for help. The ambulance arrived and I was admitted to hospital, when I was deemed well enough I was sectioned by unknown persons in a mental institution. Beside me on the floor was several empty medicine bottles. Pills to help me forget life, pills to boost my health, pills to stop the pains, pills to sleep. I was in trouble, they pumped my stomach and found nothing, no pills no food nothing. My appearance was shocking, I was stick thin, gaunt, pale and dying. I refused to see anyone in hospital, no friends family were allowed, doctors entered at their own risk, I was crazy.

 

Locked up in a home was very hard, I was forced fed it I didn't or refused to eat, much of the time I spent in nappies which were secured. My hands were in padded gloves to avoid me removing the nappy and stop harming myself. I was locked away like this for two years, in those years there was no improvement, no one was allowed to visit. I attended sessions of therapy, individual sessions, special treatment and still no change. I was considered a hopeless case. Three and a half years of my life was wasted by hatred.

Then one morning, I know it sounds unrealistic but I will tell it anyway, I looked down ay myself. I wore a belt less gown, my ribs were visible through my skin, face gaunt, padded gloves, no hair as it had fallen or been ripped out, nappy wearing and padded booties. I suddenly realised this was what I didn't want. I knew I had to start to sort my life out. Approaching forty years of age, I screamed for help, help not from the outside but for someone inside me to escape to show me the way out of this state. I tried to get myself to cure me but it was pointless. For a week I screamed, not out loud but inside me. Then I saw a face, on the wall, a face guiding me to look outside my body, I was in a trance. Cheryl's face, Sam's face, Lillian's face, Mistress Paula's face, Mistress face, all imploring me to bang the door for help. For a further week they implored me as staff wondered who I spoke to on the wall, they knew I must be in a daze and the doctor was called. They tried to move me but could not, I was a cold weight. Then they dragged me into a cold bath to awake me, no success. Then the final choice of treatment , electric shock, my body moved to the currents but I still spoke to these faces.

 

Finally I was placed in my cell, hands and feet padded, naked with a blanket thrown over the top, I was a hopeless case, no chance of cure.

 

Two weeks later, I cried, really cried for a whole week, I begged forgiveness from everyone even though they were not there. I asked for help but as soon as a nurse entered to give me food , I saw their fear in their eyes and scared them away. I was a crazy hopeless case, they didn't seem to care if I lived or died now, or that's how I felt. I could have gone back to depression but every time I thought of it, the defence of the faces drove it away imploring me to fight back.

A month later, a new nurse was employed, she was taken on the tour and rushed passed my cell, she was intrigued with the naked skinny lady in padded clothes, the other nurses used to laugh about me calling me the 'Daft Dyke'. But this nurse, my angel seemed to look beyond the frontage and nastiness to find an inner peace.

 

Our first meeting was very tough for both of us. For a month no one had brought me food, the cell stunk of piss and urine, I stunk the very same smell, but here she came in, no nose peg but like a waitress bringing food talking to me. I went to throw the food and she just stood there telling me she knew I was in pain and if it helps to throw food, throw it at her. Her calming soothing voice brought me down. She fed me my first meal in 6weeks, then guided me to the bath where she bathed me, always talking to me calmly saying she would listen. Whilst I was being cleaned so the room was fumigated. In the warm bath, not cold as I had been forced to take, I saw this young woman looking down on me not with pity but with respect and humanity. She was about to replace the padded gloves and boots but I shook my head saying 'Please No'. With no other words she took my hand leading me into a new cell with toilet, sink, clothes, and bedding for the bed. She explained that I was to keep myself clean, dressed and if I needed anything else to ask for her, her name was Helen. So after I awoke I changed into new clothes, wearing underwear for the first time in near 4 years. Helen and only Helen would sit with me as I told of my past, my complete past. She may not have been a trained psychologist but she listened offering no opinion. Always she would ask if I wanted to talk to anybody or if I needed anything. A few weeks of her therapy with me and I was writing again. Not very heavy stuff but writing notes, letters of apology before they were thrown in the bin.

Helen slowly introduced me to a new doctor who was recruited, she told me he was a good man and would help, she stayed for the first ten meetings until felt safe with him. Over the next six months with Helens and the doctors help I spilled my guts telling of all insecurities, past. The next 6 months were spent solving them. I now underwent specialist intensive treatment to cure my mental and physical state. My weight increased, I started to look like a picture of a former me on the cruise in my bikini. That was placed on my wall to show what I was aiming for. Helen stayed with me at all meal times force-feeding me when needed, only she could do that. There was a rumour that she was to be fired for only concentrating on me but that was soon put to rest as her wages were paid by an un known person, the doctor too was paid to treat me. I only found this out much later when I was deemed well.

The doctor sat with me as I wrote letters to Mistress Paula now called Paula, Lillian, Sam, Cheryl. Letters of apology, my present improvement but never mentioning I wanted to see them and to their credit they never came. It was 5 years since my first day in the mental home and I allowed my first visitor, my son Sam. I was now a size 6, weight gain was dangerous since my former state and had to be correctly but I was healthy or so they told me. Sam visited bringing nothing but himself, Sam listened as I wept holding him. That visit no words were spoken, eyes met and understanding re formed. When he kissed me good bye I wept again but tears of joy. As I gained weight and mentally was better he brought in gifts like laptop computers, books, stamps, phones with only his number in in case I wanted something. For a year, we met, then he brought in Jennifer, Jennifer Paula's daughter was now his fiancée' and they wanted me to give her away. I stepped back wanting to avoid this responsibility but Sam walked to me saying only if I wanted to adding no pressure. I spoke to Helen and the doctor who advised me it may give me a goal to reach and it could be a positive step. I was 40 years old and had spent 5 years plus in this mental home, now I wanted out. Even though the doctor was my friend he told me he would not let me leave until he was sure I was well enough to. So for that year I did as he asked, he and Helen saved my life. I was allowed on walks with Helen, spoke to patients, other staff and doctors to prove to them and myself I was getting better. Children seemed to warm to me, no longer did their parents treat me at the crazy person but as an ill person. Some staff even let me watch their children for them, first monitored for my protection as well as the children then unmonitored. For full year and a half I did what I was told until finally telling a panel of doctors, Helen and senior staff I felt I was better, I felt happy in who I was but realised I would always have depression but would take it one day as a time. A full 7 years since my entry I left the mental home on provisional leave, I was tagged like a prisoner and told to live in a halfway home for the mentally ill. I felt foolish after all I still had my own home, I think I did anyway. But under their orders I lived in this home where there was a counsellor on hand, I first visited with my problems but found the visits pointless as I could solve my own problems. I thought that if I did not visit her, I would be sent back so instead of worrying I asked her. She told me that if I did not visit and solve the problems myself then it shows I was getting better. Often I listened and solved other peoples problems with the counsellors blessing.

 

Things were looking up, a full year in the halfway home, I visited Sam and Jennifer in the flat and stayed with them for a week granted permission by the mental home. I had no visits, or sessions, I was granted well to be in the open now. Staying with Jennifer and Sam, two kids I had brought as their nanny was strange at first, first treading on egg shells then after two days we could talk normal, normal was a word I dare not use in the past 20 years of my life, But a test was to come that either make me or break me.

Jennifer and Sam had postponed their wedding for three years now for what I believed was my fault, they were upfront and said that it was down to two reasons: firstly they wanted me to see them married, secondly to give them time to get to understand themselves. I respected their honesty, they could have lied to make me feel better but thankfully they didn't. They told me that it would be next summer, a full year from now and promised it would definitely be then as they had booked the church. They added if I was ill still and in a home they would get married but leave a place for me sending me the video when I was better. IWANTED TO BE AT THE WEDDING, THAT WAS MY GOAL.

A meeting was arranged for the engaged couple, Paula, Lillian, Robert, Me and other people. I was not expected to comment but it was a start in 7 years of meeting my past. The meeting went without a hitch, I suggested something and it was agreed to be a good idea, that made me feel better, Jennifer and Sam smiled as I seemed to relax. At the end of the meeting Sam came up to me to ask if I wanted to go back now as they were going for a meal in a restaurant, I wanted to go for a meal with my friends again, I really did so I did. I didn't speak much but answered questions when asked. Nothing was ever mentioned about the past life, this was life anew. Despite nothing being said I knew I had to address the past, so I called Helen to act a mediator for meetings in a Sam's flat with Paula, Mistress, Lillian and Robert and possibly Cheryl if they wanted anything to do with me anymore.

The meeting with Paula and Mistress went well, I knew the past as did they, they knew my former male life, how I was changed, both sides felt guilty over the incidents, both sides had suffered terrible guilt, only I however lived with it. Helen said nothing, did nothing but hugged all parties as we departed, her just being made me comfortable.

The meeting with Lillian and Robert was harder, both sides felt anger and hatred, or so I thought. Lillian opened saying she never understood why I disliked her, or hated Robert when he was a good man who loved Sam but never once tried to take the role of father. She told Robert knew our past as it was good for their relationship and marriage to have no secrets. He told me he not accepted it but tried to understand, he did not say much but what he did say was effective in calming me to not feel a freak but a friend, I could see he was indeed a good man. I merely I was sorry for the hatred I stored and the wasted years to which she apologised. The meeting ended with a huge hug to both and finally Helen who did nothing but be there for me.

The next meeting was with Sam and Jennifer, I was about to explain who I was to Jennifer as its not the easiest thing to say to your fiancée your father was your nanny who is a woman. Jennifer whispered to me 'I know what you are to Sam, DAD. Don't worry. You are always to me my aunt Sindy and I love you'. With that the majority of my past was dead but I had a last person to see, my ex who I treated exceedingly horrendously Cheryl. Cheryl I was told left the country when I threw her out, no longer able to cope with trouble, Paula paid for a trip to America where could explore herself. She did indeed find herself and confirmed her sexuality as liking women, Paula told me she did ring and ask about me in the early stages but stopped as it was too hard for her to remember someone she loved in such a harsh manner. Paula told me for 5 years she has had no contact but a wedding invitation was sent to her last known address and a reply was received back saying she would attend. Now I was in a quandary, should I see her at her address or let her live her own life. She must be happy now with a new partner.

Sure enough the visit would be soon.

Taking her address I wrote her a letter with my new home address on there in case she wanted to write back. I told her I had a new home as the other one held too many bad memories, I explained my illness and recovery but always saying it was a day to day struggle. I told her I did not expect anything from her, not in a bad way as I begged for her forgiveness for my actions, I did not blame the illness taking the blame where it was - on my shoulders. But in a good way, I told her she should lead her own life and if we meet at the wedding I hope we could be friends. I finished by saying I was happier now than at a time I ever knew.

Helen had to send the letter before it was ripped up, she knew me too well by now.

Cheryl did not reply to the letter for a long time, never by letter, email or fax, but two months before the wedding she arrived and knocked on my door asking if I could let her stay for a night. In tears I showed her to her room, tears because I did not know how to approach her. I stayed downstairs as she unpacked. She showered, dressed telling me to do the same then getting her car telling me we were going out for a meal. Over this meal she explained that she had had several relationships as none matched the intensity of our love, she explained that after the failed relationships she explored via a therapist who told her to confront her past and either bury the past or relive it in a positive manner. That was why she was here, I did not need to tell of the missing 7/8 years of my life as I had done via a very long letter. At the end of the meal where we had a good time talking about the wedding, whether or not I would give Jennifer away as she wanted and my future plans. I kept mentioning Helen, Cheryl thought I had a new lover, I explained that Helen was the only one who believed in me at a time when no one not even me cared if I lived or not. I then added she was now a senior nurse training other staff and had married the doctor who treated, also explaining they would be at the wedding.

That night I wanted her to sleep in her room so we could think. That night lasted two months up until the wedding. We talked, wet out, went on holiday purely as friends. She was 36 and I was 46, she still looked stunning. At the time of the wedding I decided not to give Jennifer away but suggested Robert who was asked and agreed without hesitation. Paula, Mistress, Lillian, Cheryl and I sat as we saw them get married. Two kisses were shared that wedding, two memorable kisses, one by the bride and groom, the other with me and Cheryl. A kiss to start a relationship anew, a relationship without a guilty past, every day I awake in her arms, telling myself the depression and illness will not win, I deserve to be happy. When I start to feel down, I tell Cheryl who calls Helen who brings me around to normality. Sure I have set backs but every illness never goes away entirely, a bit of it is always there in your mind.

Now Cheryl and I live in a sort of happiness. Jennifer and Sam are now married a year with a baby just born who we baby-sit, Paula and Mistress run their own business successfully, Lillian and Robert are still happily married. The other girls in college visit me and we go out, some are married some not. Cheryl likes Helen and are now good friends. No not in that way.

I will continue to live in my own happiness battling an illness many cannot see or wish to think of. We are happy today and will try to be happy tomorrow.

 

The End

  

  

  

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