I found it extremely hard growing up in a house with parents who both had IQs over 180. Everyone expected me to be a genius from day one. It was also hard because my parents didn’t seem to know how to show me affection. They were always too busy with their lives. Even the little things were too big a hassle for them. I know now that they loved me, but back then I felt closer to our housekeeper Jane Gaels and her daughter Michelle. Michelle was a year younger than I was but we were great friends almost like brother and sister. Whether that had anything to do with the way I turned out I don’t know. I prefer to think that I was born this way.
My earliest memories are of playing with Michelle and her dolls. It was great fun and when we played dress-up both of us liked to play the mummy. Later as I got older I soon realized that I was never going to be a mother, as I was a boy. It was then that my intelligence started to shine through, but not as you would think. My genius was in getting my way and discovering how I could become what I should have been, a girl.
By using my parents’ computers, I soon discovered that by taking certain hormones I could become a girl. My only problem was in getting a hold of them. Then when I was 13 a little luck and a lot of scheming brought the hormones into my reach. Our Housekeeper Jane’s mother was diagnosed as having Alzheimer’s and she wanted to be near her. At first I was resigned to losing my best friends, but then I discovered that Mrs. Gaels was suffering menopause.
When I researched menopause, I soon discovered that she might be undergoing Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). Then when my research showed that she might be taking the hormones I needed, I planned a way to get her to live with us. It also helped that I didn’t want to lose Jane and Michelle. Everything didn’t go exactly right, but soon Mrs. Gaels was moving in. Now all I needed to do was to offer to help unpack her things.
My offer was gratefully accepted and I soon discovered that I had been right. Amongst her things were Provera and Premarin tablets. Now all I had to do was think of a way of being able to take them. That little problem almost solved itself when I discovered a prescription with two repeats for more of them. All I had to do was hide the prescription and then get it filled out later. Jane would probably just think that her mother had lost the prescription and get a doctor to replace it.
Two days later I was taking the hormones and on my way to being a girl. I felt bad for having broken the law but I just had to do it. The instructions on the prescriptions suggested taking one tablet of each a day, but I thought that I should take two. That way I could change twice as quickly. By the middle of the next month, I had finished off the first lot of both hormones and needed to get more. I then realized that refilling the prescription so soon might be a problem. All of my worries were for nothing though as the pharmacy just handed them over.
I then thought it might be better to follow the prescription this time. Although I had not had any reactions to the hormones other than feeling a little sick at times, it would be safer all round. By the end of the 3rd month that I had been taking my hormones I had changed a little. My chest was getting a little soft and my nipples were getting bigger. My behind was also a little bigger and my waist a little smaller. Things were going to slowly so when I used the last repeat, I went back to taking two a day of each tablet.
It was during this time that Jane discovered what I had been doing. I had been able to hide it until then, but made the mistake of leaving the tablets in plain sight while I took a shower. Sure enough Jane walked into my room and discovered the tablets in my room. When I came out of the bathroom she was waiting for me and I knew I was in trouble by the look on her face. Before I knew it I was back in my room and stripped naked. My androgynous appearance had been accepted until then however when she saw my small but developing breasts, my small waist and developing behind I was busted.
When Jane left me standing there in my room to go and talk to my parents I was in shock. What was going to happen to me now? The worst I could think of was that they would take away my hormones. I just couldn’t let that happen. It would sentence me to being a boy, which to me was a fate worse than death. I was frantically getting dressed when Jane came back. She tried to stop me and during our struggle she fell and knocked her head. She then started to bleed from a cut on the back of her head and I was sure that I had killed her.
I had only thought of running away before but now I had no choice. If I stayed here they would put me in jail with boys who would probably hurt me or even worse rape me. I finished getting dressed and grabbed my ATM card and my wallet before throwing some clothes in a bag and climbing out my bedroom window. By the time I had calmed down, I wasn’t even sure where I was. Life on the streets wasn’t going to be easy for me, but I needed to survive. I walked and walked around not knowing what to do. Late that night I was cold and tired and just wanted to find somewhere to sleep. Everywhere that I went there were people who I was sure would probably kill me and rob me.
It was after midnight that I finally found somewhere to stay. It was in an old abandoned car in a junkyard. Nobody else seemed to be around and I finally fell asleep. I was woken the next morning when somebody was opening the front gates of the junkyard. As quickly and as quietly as I could I got out of the car and waited until I could get away without being seen. The rest of that day I spent walking the streets. At around midday, my hunger got the better of me and I decided to buy something.
When I found a 7-11, I opened the front door and was told to get out by the attendant. I couldn’t understand what was going on until I noticed my reflection in the door. I was a mess and he probably thought I was going to steal from him. I was really hungry though, so I held up some of my cash so he could see it and opened the door again. Seeing that I had money his attitude changed and he agreed to let me come inside. I then got myself a drink and heated a ham and cheese roll before going to the register.
When I got there, the attendant took the money I was holding up and then gave me some change. He then said, "Next time little lady show me the money first." I just smiled and left. It had felt great to be called a lady but it made me realize that I needed more hormones or I would end up a boy again. Later that day I found a pharmacy that had a back and front door and only an old man working there. I watched for a while and then a lady came in through the front door. When the old man moved he moved really slowly to the front of the shop. I knew then that I could easily get in and steal some more Provera and Premarin.
I then walked around the block and waited by the back door. Now all I had to do was wait for his next customer to come in the front door. Unfortunately it was quite a while before anyone else came into his shop. Even then I only just got away without being caught. I did however now have enough hormones for at least the next two or four months depending on how I took them. It was now getting late so I started the long walk back to the junkyard. I was really hoping that I could spend the night in that car again.
When I got there I knew I was in trouble when I saw the Dobermans prowling the yard. Then I discovered that the hole in the fence I had used had been fixed. No wonder the dogs weren’t there the night before. Now I needed to find somewhere else to spend the night. Eventually, I spent the night hiding out in the cleaner’s room at my school. I should have thought of it earlier, but now I had somewhere to stay. The door on the cleaners’ room had never locked properly and most of the kids at school knew it. All you had to do was hit the lock right and the door popped open.
Most of the time kids used the room for smoking or making out, but that was only during the day. At night it would now be my new home. All I had to do was not get caught here and I could stay indefinitely. After I turned on the light, I also discovered a place I could hide my bag and the hormone tablets until I needed them. I could even wash up in this room using the tap and the soap I found in a cupboard. Before I settled down for the night I decided that taking two tablets would be better than taking one of each. Then after taking the tablets I settled down for the night.
The cleaners’ room was my home for three weeks before I was almost caught. Luckily I was small enough to fit in one of the cupboards in the room, before the cleaner entered. Whilst the cleaner was in the room all I could do was hope like hell that I wasn’t found. Once again my luck held and the cleaner left without discovering me. Whoever it was though had almost discovered my hormones. A week later I was almost caught a second time and decided to find somewhere else to stay. Later the same day I was back only to find that the lock had been changed.
During the whole time I had been on the streets, which was just over a month, I ate when I could afford it. I knew I was not getting enough food but I really needed to make my money last. I had withdrawn money a couple of times from ATMs but I never used the same one twice, worried that the police would track me down. It was about this time that I realized that I had not seen a newspaper or any TV since I had run away. If I had, I would have known that Jane was fine and that my parents wanted me back. I hadn’t though and didn’t think that a newspaper was a good way to spend any of my money.
With nowhere else to go I spent the night on a bench at the school. Sometime during the night it started to rain and I found myself wet and cold. My clothes were now not only wearing out, they were also wet and extremely smelly. It was then that I decided to try and get back into my room at home. After stashing my bag containing everything I had under the front porch, I tried my bedroom window. It wasn’t open so I tried another few windows without luck.
When I tried the last window I really thought I was the luckiest person alive when it opened. I then climbed in the window as quietly as I could. I was in the laundry of our house and would need to pass Jane and Michelle’s rooms before getting to my room. I did that successfully and was just about to grab some clothes before I heard a noise. Worried that I was going to get caught I quickly slid under my bed.
I only just made it before the light in my room came on. I had no idea who had come into my room, but I couldn’t afford to get caught. Just then I heard a voice asking, "Michelle, what are you doing in here?" Michelle answered. "Mum I thought I heard somebody in here." I was shocked Michelle had said Mum, which meant that Jane was alive and well. I almost crawled out from under the bed to see her, but decided not to. Michelle then said, "I must have been wrong, sorry Mum" before they turned the light off and left the room.
I laid there wondering what to do for a while before I crawled out from under the bed. I then sat on my bed for a minute before I grabbed what I had come for before leaving through my bedroom window. Although I knew that I hadn’t killed Jane, I still worried about getting caught. After grabbing my bag I made my way back towards the junkyard where I had spent my first night. The Dobermans were still there so I couldn’t stay there. I then thought of the old railway yards, some of the kids had spoken about them being a good place to hang out. Now if I could only remember where they were.
While I was walking around looking for the railway yards I came across an ATM and decided to get some cash. I knew I didn’t have much left after using a lot over the last month and a bit, but I needed some cash. To my horror when I put my card into the machine it took my card. Now what was I going to do, I had no money and no way of getting any. Without money I wasn’t going to be able to eat and I was starving. I didn’t mean to cry but I couldn’t help myself, I was in a hopeless situation. I walked aimlessly as I cried and finally stopped in front of a church.
To my surprise the church seemed to be open. I had not had a religious upbringing but I knew that the church helped homeless people like me, so I entered. The minute I walked in the door somebody wrapped a blanket around me and led me over to a table. I then had a bowl of soup placed in front of me. As I ate, I noticed that it was a nun who had helped me. When I finished she asked me my name. I had no idea what to say so I just stayed silent. The nun must have had that response before, as she didn’t pressure me. I was then lead into a bathroom and told that I could take a shower.
The bathroom door had a lock on it so I locked it and took off my clothes before showering. I then grabbed a towel and dried myself off before changing my clothes. When I opened the door, the nun was there and she smiled at me before speaking. She also must have thought I was a girl as she asked me, "Now don’t you feel better now Miss?" I just smiled and answered, "Yes I do" before shutting up again. The nun then took me to a big room with cot beds and said, "Maybe you’ll be more talkative after a good nights sleep" before leaving me.
I wasn’t too sure about staying the night, but after lying down I was soon asleep. When I woke up the next morning I was fed breakfast and another nun tried to get me to talk. I still didn’t know what to tell them so I once again didn’t answer. She then tried a different tactic to get me to speak by asking about my family. It almost worked but I was still unsure of myself so I remained quiet. Finally, the nun said, "Well I need to call you something if you’re going to stay, so we’ll use Jane, as in Jane Doe. Is that okay with you?" I still wasn’t sure about staying there but I answered, "Yes, Jane Doe will be okay."
When I agreed to being called Jane Doe the nun smiled at me. She then stood up and said, "Now what can we get you do? Maybe washing the dishes or laundry. Which would you prefer?" I had never really done either before, but washing clothes sounded easier, so I answered, "Laundry I think." I was then led to the laundry and left with some other women that were there. By talking to the women I found out that I was in a refuge set up by the local churches. The women also told me that I would be able to stay one more night before they would want more information from me.
I then found out that the refuge preferred to try and reunite children with their parents, but if I wouldn’t help myself they would call the local welfare people. I knew that the refuge thought they were doing the best for the children, but I couldn’t go back. Little did I know that I was becoming paranoid due to the double doses of hormones I was taking. Later that day after I had washed my clothes and had lunch I took off and wandered the streets. Soon after I left the refuge, I found the railway yards and found myself a place to sleep.
I woke up the next morning feeling hungry and feeling a little sick. The hormones had by now taken me into a female like puberty and by overdosing myself I was making myself sick. Of course I had only a little knowledge of the way the hormones worked, so I kept on taking them. It wasn’t until two days later that I realized how sick I was. Because I hadn’t eaten the hormones were not reacting properly with my body. I finally made my way to the refuge and practically collapsed as I walked in the door.
When I next woke up I was in a hospital bed wearing a hospital gown. They had to know I was a boy. What would they be thinking about me? I then tried to get up but found that I was restrained. If they worked out who I was I would be in real trouble. When the nurse came into the ward and found that I was awake, he called a doctor. The doctor was very nice to me and she did nothing to make me uncomfortable. When she asked me for a name though I decided to keep my mouth shut. She then left the room.
When she came back later, she pulled the curtain around my bed and said, "Well now Miss Norman, would you like me to call your parents or would you prefer to do it? We have quite a bit to discuss with them." I was too shocked to speak by the fact that she knew my name. Now how in hell did she work that out I thought? The doctor just smiled and handed me my open wallet. I had forgotten that my name and address were in my wallet inside my bag. I knew that I now had no hope of getting away so I finally looked up at the doctor and said, "Can you call them, please?"
As the doctor left the ward it finally dawned on me that she had called me Miss. She was really a nice person, maybe I should have trusted her earlier. It was about half an hour later that the doctor came back into my room. She then told me that my parents and someone called Jane would soon be with me and that I was being moved to a private room. I suppose that the doctor was a little worried about my parents’ reactions would be when they saw me. I really didn’t know what to expect when they arrived, but I feared the worst. I was sure I would be in big trouble for having hurt Jane and then running away. My biggest hope though was that they wouldn’t be too hard on me.
I needn’t have worried because when my parents and Jane arrived they were only too glad to see me. After we had all hugged each other and stopped crying the doctor spoke to us. She told us that because I had been taking an overdose of the hormones for such a long period that I had effectively ruined any chance of returning to a normal manhood. I was secretly glad that I was not going to be a man anymore but I was shocked by what else I had done to myself. It seems that by taking the high dose of the hormones had led to a number of complications. The worst of these was my body having become addicted to the female hormones. I would love to tell you all about the other complications, but even now I really can’t remember them all.
What really shocked me though was the doctor saying that they would need to continue me on a lower dose of the hormones. By taking the hormones in such a reckless way I was now going to get my wishes. It would mean that I would grow up to look and possibly feel like a young lady, which was exactly what I had wanted. It was then that I looked at my parents and Jane. The looks on their faces were very strange. They looked concerned, but their eyes looked funny. The doctor then suggested we discuss things as she left the room.
When the doctor left the room, my parents and Jane were on the verge of laughter. What they were finding so funny was beyond my understanding, so I demanded to know what was going on. Jane then said, "Like father like son, hey." My father then replied, "Yes he’s just like his father isn’t he." My guess was that they were commenting on my reaction to my behavior. It wasn’t until later though that I learnt the truth behind that comment. We then talked for a while and I apologized to Jane for having hurt her.
Jane just smiled and told me that I had nothing to apologize for. After numerous tests over the next few days, I was told by the doctors I could go home. I thanked the doctors and then my parents arrived to take me home. My reunion with Michelle was another case of tears and hugs all round and then she took me to my room. After I had showered and changed clothes Michelle and I sat and talked. She was so happy to have me back and to learn that I was going to be all right. The one thing I didn’t discuss with her though was my future as a woman.
I don’t know how long Michelle and I chatted but we were soon called to get something to eat. Although the hospital had fed me I was still hungry and I was surprised to find that Jane had prepared all of my favorites. After eating until I thought I would burst, I stood up to leave but was asked to sit down. Michelle sensed that she shouldn’t be there and was leaving the room before she was told she should also stay. I then knew that they were going to tell Michelle that I was going to be growing up as a girl.
I was partially right but I also found out some other things that I would never have guessed in a million years. The most amazing thing I found out was that Michelle and I are half brother and sister or now half sisters. The other thing we were told was that we had the same mother. That announcement really shocked both Michelle and I, and meant that one of us didn’t know our real mother. We were then told that Jane was our birth mother and that my father was Michelle’s true father. It wasn’t long before I realized that meant that my father wasn’t my biological father. It also meant that I would probably never know my biological father.
Just as I was about to ask who my biological father was the woman I had always thought was my mother hugged me. She then told me that she was my father. I really thought she was mad, but then we were told a little more about the past. I won’t bore you with all of the details, but I will tell you that my mother is really my father. It really puts a different spin on that comment at the hospital doesn’t it? I really am just like my father in that we both always wanted to be girls. Life around our place changed a bit after that. Michelle and I became even closer and grew up as sisters and I learnt to live with two mothers and two fathers whilst Michelle got closer to the father she had not known about.
Years later after my body had become completely feminine I had what was left of my male genitals removed and I became a woman. It was just after my operation that I got a visit from Dr. Ultim, the female doctor that had looked after me way back then. She then revealed a secret to me that explained the way she had treated me. She had also been a man and gone through some of what I had. I am now a very happy married woman and my husband and I live in a semi-detached house with my sister Michelle and her husband. Between us we have three children and when they get old enough Michelle and I will tell them all about their mothers.
I hope that you enjoyed my little story and that it helps those of you who are thinking of taking hormones without medical help. As the saying goes "A Little Bit of Knowledge can be a bad thing." If you are considering taking hormones make sure you get a doctors help. Whilst you may think you know what the results of taking them may be, doctors know a hell of a lot more and can help you use them safely. I know that I survived but I was one of the lucky one’s. There are a lot of girls out there that may not be so lucky.
© 2000
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