The List           by: Janet L. Stickney                           Janetlynn17@hotmail.com

 

The music was playing, kids were dancing, laughing, some were even kissing, all while I sat by the wall trying to fade into the woodwork or become the same color as the wall. My feet were flat on the floor, and with no place to put my hands, I had them folded in my lap, and even with the irritation of hair flicking at my face, I could still taste the lipstick, smell the perfume, and when I looked down, I could see my bare legs ending in the low heels. Everyone else wore a costume too, but as far as I could see, I was the only boy dressed as a girl. I felt like a complete dork dressed that way, and just about the only good thing about it was that I didn’t look bad as a girl! Mom said that I was "pretty", but I was sure that she had to say that.

"Wanna dance?"

Looking up I saw someone wearing a ghost costume. I was so stunned that I said nothing, even as Casper reached out and took my hand, then led me to the dance floor. As we danced I managed not to step on his feet, and he held me like he would any girl. Finally…

"What’s your name?" he asked.

"Kelly" I said without a thought, since that’s my name.

"Why aren’t you in costume?" he asked me.

"I am!" I said, thinking that maybe my costume was too good!

"Oh" he said, "I get it! You’re an undercover cop, right?"

"No" I said, I’m…"

"There you are! I have been looking all over for you Kelly!" I looked up to see my mom! "But I can see you’re busy, so I’ll just sit over there and watch."

After she walked away…"You look like your mom" Casper said, "and she’s pretty too."

The music stopped and taking me by the hand, he walked me to the refreshment stand, which is when he removed his hood, and I saw who it was. He had a grin on his face as he handed me a soda.

"Bill! It’s me! Kelly! Don’t you recognize me?"

"Sure" he said, "you’re the girl I was just dancing with!"

Mom walked up, and asked me to introduce Bill, so I did, then he went and asked her if I could stay for a while longer! With a smile, mom nodded her head and walked away, leaving me standing there with Bill, unsure of what I should do. He led the way to a small table, then sitting down, we listened to the music and watched the other kids. Bill is in my class, and at age 15 I would have thought that he should have been able to see through all the makeup and see that I’m his friend Kelly, not some girl named Kelly! But he didn’t, so rather than fight it, and probably end up sitting alone, I went along with it. We danced a few more times, then it was time to go home. Expecting to find mom, Bill took me by the hand again and walked me out to the car. Since mom wasn’t there yet, he stayed, but rather than just wait, he put his arms around me and kissed me! On the lips! I broke away just as mom showed up, and got in the car without saying goodbye to Bill.

Mom drove out of the lot, stopping at a light. "That boy thought you were a girl, didn’t he?"

"Yeah, and he kissed me! On the lips too!"

"Well", she said, "boys like to do that to pretty girls honey, they can’t help themselves."

"But I’m…"

"You are a boy, but just look in the mirror and tell me how he was going to know that!"

"I told him who I was mom!"

"Maybe he didn’t care! Had you thought of that?"

By the time we got home I was thoroughly pissed at Bill, and wanted to change clothes the minute I hit the door, but mom told me not to, telling me that dad wanted to see how I looked. So I went in to watch TV for a while. Just before dad was supposed to come home, mom told me to fix my lipstick so that when dad saw me I would look better. Just as I finished I heard him walk in the back door. Taking my time, I opened the door and stepped out so he could see me.

My dress was all pink with white lace trim on the short sleeves and at the neck and hem. The satin finish of the dress seemed to change colors as the petticoat under the skirt moved when I did, creating all sorts of new shades of pink while my breasts pushed out at the material just enough so that you knew I had them, and on my feet I wore white heels. With my naturally brown hair hidden under the blond wig and the makeup mom had done, I didn’t look like myself at all, and having my nails painted a soft reddish pink was just the capper. Dad’s mouth dropped open as I sashayed into the kitchen, smiling the whole time.

"Hi daddy" I said lightly, "how do you like my new dress? Isn’t it simply lovely?"

"I didn’t think it was possible" he said slowly, "but I have to admit it, you look quite pretty tonight! How was the party?"

"Kelly" mom said before I could tell him anything, "had a wonderful time honey! I was there you know, and I saw her dancing away all evening!"

"Well tell me" dad asked, "who was the lucky girl?"

"I was dad" I told him with an excited tone in my voice, "Bill and I danced together all night. He’s really a good dancer too!"

Well, dad got that confused look on his face when I said that, but throwing up his hands, he sent me to get changed. Mom came along to help.

"You shouldn’t tease your father like that dear! Now he thinks that you like being a girl!"

"You assume that I don’t mother."

"What?!" she said quickly, "you like dressing as a girl?"

"Mom" I said as I sat on the bed to take my shoes off, "you know as well as I do that every time I go to one of these things as usual myself, I always end up alone, stuck against the wall with some nerds or the few dorks nobody likes, but tonight I was dancing and having a good time!" As I stood up to slide the pantyhose down, "maybe I’d be better off as a girl! Who knows? Maybe I’ll actually get to go on a date!"

"But you’re a boy!" mom exclaimed, "And boys don’t date boys!"

"True, but Bill" I said, "didn’t see a boy did he? He saw a girl named Kelly, and I’m that girl! Besides, I told him I was in his class, and that he knew me, but that didn’t stop him, so why should it stop me?"

"Kelly!" mom said, "I can’t believe you’re saying this! You just don’t have any idea what it’s like to be a teenage girl! Always trying to be pretty, always waiting for some boy to call you…no honey, you don’t have any idea about being a girl at all!"

"Oh?" I asked sullenly, "Like the time I called six girls in a row for a date? And they all said no? You’re telling me that I have no idea what it’s like to sit at home without a date? Mom, you’re kidding, right?"

"I guess" she said, but having you run around dressed like a girl isn’t exactly what your father and I want for you! We expected you to…"

"Sit at home all the time?" I interrupted her, "And do what? Play a board game with you like we usually do?" As mom unzipped the dress…"What can I lose mom? I mean, you know what I look like as a girl, and what I usually look like, so tell me, which way am I better off? As a boy without a social life? Or a girl with at least a chance?"

"But you never told me that you liked to dress as a girl!"

"I didn’t say that I did mom, you just assumed that I didn’t." Releasing the clasp on the bra, ‘All I’m saying is that for once in my life it looks like I have a chance to have some fun, and if wearing a dress is what it takes, well, I might just do it! I’m tired of sitting at home all of the time!"

As I pulled off the wig and stood there facing my mother in nothing but earrings, makeup and panties I could see that she was just about as confused as I was. I had never dressed as a girl before, so I had no way to judge if I liked it or not, until that night. As a boy I never had any luck with the girls, but just once dressed as a girl, and I was dancing, having a nice time, and enjoying myself! Could I say that I liked dressing as a girl? No, but was it better than staying at home all of the time? Oh yeah! I went in the bath to wash up, hearing mom leave as I closed the door. Looking in the mirror, even without the wig, I could see a girl standing there. With a sigh I washed off the makeup. As I walked back into my room I had a crazy thought, and walked to the room next to mine, opened the dresser, and took out a nightgown, slipped it over my head, then went to bed.

As I lay there in bed feeling the sheer material as it moved over my skin when I moved, I realized that girls just might have better sleepwear! The nightgown I had on belonged to my sister Sam, Samantha, but since she was dead, she wouldn’t complain. All my life Sam and I had put up with getting confusing mail, since Kelly is usually a girls name, and of course, Sam is a boys name, but we treated it as a joke and never let it bother us. When she died in a traffic accident our mom sort of went crazy, and to this day she cleans Sam’s room as if she was still with us. In fact, she treats it almost like a shrine of sorts. Dad and had long since given up trying to make her feel better about Sam’s death, and if keeping the room the way it always was makes her happy, so what? When it was decided that I would dress as a girl, I went into the room myself and selected what I would wear rather than fight with mom about having her do it. As it turned out, mom let me borrow a few other things. Maybe she was getting better. I hope so.

In the morning when I got up, I still enjoyed the feel of that nightgown, so I grabbed my robe and walked down to the kitchen. Mom was there but not dad. One look and she saw what I had on but didn’t say anything until I sat down.

"A nightgown?" she asked.

"Yeah" I said, "why not? I thought I would finish the day like I started it."

"And what about today?" mom asked as she sat down across from me.

"I hadn’t thought about it" I lied with a straight face, "but if you let me…"

"I talked about this with your father last night. He and I are not fond of the idea of you dressing as a girl, and I’m sure you know that, but if this is just a once in a while thing, then maybe we can let you try it."

"Maybe I’ll try it again today then?" I said to her, hoping she would agree.

"I guess" mom sighed, "but I want you to get dressed all by yourself, and remember, we have that dinner tonight, so be home in time enough to change clothes…okay?"

I agreed, finished breakfast, then went to my sisters room first. I selected a skirt and tee shirt like top, grabbed her gym shoes and some ankle socks, then went back to my room. I was about to voluntarily dress as a girl, and not for some party. The very thought of it gave me pause, but I forged ahead, removing the nightgown before I went in the bath to shave and wash up. I’ll be frank, dressing as a girl gave me a sense that I could be a part of the social scene rather than a wall flower, and while I didn’t mind wearing the clothes, I was acutely aware that some people would look down on me if they found out. I shaved as close as possible then went in my sisters room to put the makeup on. Foundation was easy enough, but as I looked at the eye shadow I decided not to use any. Instead I tried my hand using eyeliner, then outlined my eyes using a dark pencil. Mascara made my lashes longer and fuller, and after adding a bit of the same blusher, I went back in my room to get dressed.

Using the seed filled nylons I filled out the bra then sat on the bed to pull on the pantyhose. Girls would not normally wear pantyhose and ankle socks, but I needed them to make my legs look all one color and smooth. Then came the skirt followed by the top, and lastly the ankle socks and gym shoes. Fortunately, Sam wore a size close enough to my own that I was just able to wear her shoes. Then, standing in front of the mirror, I slipped on the wig, pulling it in place before I brushed it out. Clip on earrings, and lipstick completed my getting dressed, and as I stood in front of the mirror I saw her once again. I studied myself from every angle before I decided that I looked okay, then went back to the kitchen. Mom looked up, stopped what she was doing, then broke out crying!

"Mom! What’s wrong? Did I do something? Tell me!"

"No dear" mom said softly, "you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just…"

"What? Do I look that much like Sam?"

"No" mom said, "it’s not that, it’s…I just miss her so much, and you look so much like a girl!"

"I’ll go change if that will make you feel better mom, I don’t need to do this, and I won’t, not if it bothers you this much."

"No dear" mom said, "you were right last night. I’ve never seen you have as much fun at a party as you did last night, and sitting at home with us can’t be that much fun. But what I don’t understand is why the kids seem to ignore you!"

I said one word, and she grew very still. "Dad" I said softly.

Mom knew what I was talking about. Dad had been convicted of having sex with a minor, but said minor was my mother! Mom was 19 days short of being 18 when dad, already 18, and she had sex. It wasn’t the cops, but actually my Grandfather that went ballistic, insisting they charge him as a sex offender! Dad’s lawyer pointed out the absurdity of it, and while dad never went to jail, his name was put on a list of sex offenders. Dad tried many times to get his name removed after he and mom were married, even after Sam and I were born, but the state said they couldn’t, and worse, wouldn’t do it. One of our esteemed neighbors spotted his name on the list and began harassing us, trying to get us to move, until that person found out the truth from our attorney. But the damage was done, and ever since then, only mom and Sam had been readily accepted by most people. Guys are different I guess, which is why I spent a lot of time at home. I got painted with the same ugly brush by default.

Mom said nothing for a moment, then, "To this day your Grandfather regrets what he did to your father you know, but your father hasn’t spoken to him since, and I can’t really blame him. He is the one that has had to explain that incident every time he applies for anything." Mom paused for a bit, then she looked right at me. "I don’t know what to do! You look so…pretty, and I’m sure that your friend Bill will like to see you again, but you remind me so much of…Samantha! Not in the face, it’s just the way you are! You two were alike in so many ways that I…"

"I’ll go change mom" I said without waiting for her to finish.

"No!" Mom almost shouted, "I want you to remain dressed as you are, and in fact, why don’t we get you all fixed up so that you can come to dinner with us, as a girl of course!"

"Dad won’t like it" I said, "he thinks I’m…"

"Your father knows that as a girl, you’re very pretty Kelly, he could see that with his own eyes, so it’s not just that he doesn’t like it, it’s just that he doesn’t understand how a boy can look so…feminine! Now then" mom said as she sat upright, "since we have agreed that you can dress up, at least once in a while, why don’t we go to the mall and get you some things of your own, like shoes that fit correctly?"

"Are you sure you want to do that mom?"

"I’ll get you a purse" she said, leaving me sitting there. "I’ll be just a few minutes" she said over her shoulder, I’ll get myself ready, then we can go."

When mom reappeared she looked much better than I had seen her in a very long time. Actually, since Samantha had died. She wore makeup, a nice skirt and blouse and with her hair down instead of in a bun, she looked at least ten years younger. When I told her that she just smiled at me. She drove us to the mall, then once we were inside, mom seemed to turn into another person, someone I had never seen before. Taking me by the arm, the first place we stopped was in lingerie where she found a padded panty that would give me curves, grabbed two of them, then regular cotton panties in assorted colors, another bra in my size, and after she paid for them, had me put the padded panty on in a changing booth. I had to admit, it did make me rounder in the right places. In shoes I tried on several pairs, with mom buying heels in black and white and a pair of gym shoes in my size. I wore the new gym shoes out of the store and into the main concourse. Mom seemed…better somehow, less blue, more lively I guess you could say. As we passed a makeup store I glanced inside, which was all it took for mom to take me inside.

In just a few minutes it seemed, a woman had redone my makeup, and created a girl that was twice as nice looking as either mom or I had managed! Mom bought what she used, then out we went. On the way…

"You seem like you’re in a good mood mom."

"I haven’t done this since…in a long time honey. It’s nice to be able to buy some nice things for you."

"This" I said, "isn’t a way for you to make me over into Sam is it? I mean…"

"Sam is dead" mom said quickly, "and no, I am not trying to use you to replace her, it’s just that I thought that you and I might be able to…make you look better, that’s all."

But that wasn’t all of it, and we both knew it. I think that mom missed having a girl, a daughter to go shopping with, share secrets with, whatever. Whatever it was, mom looked, sounded, and acted better than I had seen her in a very long time, so if nothing else, if my wearing a skirt made her feel better, I was all for it, regardless of what anyone might say.

We stopped for lunch, and as we sat there I saw a lot of kids from school. A couple of girls that I had talked to at the dance the night before waved at me, which made me feel good, then mom and I started out shopping again. As long as she wanted to buy me things I was going to let her. It made her feel good and I benefited, so why not? In another department store I had wandered away from mom while she looked at lamps, and found myself face to face with a pair of breast forms! I saw them on the shelf and asked to see one. The color didn’t seem to match any known skin color I knew of, but they did feel soft, and according to the box, could be glued on or simply worn in a bra. They weren’t that expensive, but I wondered if I should ask mom to get them for me. After all, what I was doing was supposed to be a test, right? But any test worth its weight should be done right, so I found mom, dragged her over to see them, and was surprised when she told me to not only get them, but use them! She pointed at a changing booth, so I took them, and quickly had them in my bra. They felt just like the real thing!

As mom and walked out of the store I could feel the weight dragging on the straps of my bra, pulling at my shoulders, and while a strange feeling, it wasn’t bad at all. We did a little more shopping, and at mom’s suggestion, picked up some fake nails and some new polish, then we went home. Getting there about two in the afternoon and with a grin on her face, mom took me into the kitchen, opened the package of nails, then as I watched, she removed the old polish and started attaching them to my fingers! One by one she glued them on, then cut and filed the ends before she patiently added the soft plum color. When she was done she was grinning in a way that I had not seen in a long time.

"Can I get them off mom? I mean, you glued them on!"

Ignoring my question she said…"Let them dry, "then you better go get ready. Pick out a nice dress for tonight, something that will go with either black or white shoes."

As I looked at my hands I realized that longer nails made my hands look more feminine, but the biggest thing on my mind was the way mom was acting. It was almost as if she decided to encourage me to become a girl. For what reason I wasn’t sure, I only hoped that she didn’t want me to try and replace my sister. When my nails were dry I went to my sisters room, opened the closet, and looked inside. I had a good idea which dress I wanted, I had seem Sam wear it, and always thought she look terrific in it. I was sure that it would fit, and if it did, I was pretty sure that I might look really good in it. I found it, then took it back to my bedroom. Looking in the mirror before I did anything else, I removed the wig. I didn’t want to mess with my makeup since it looked so good, so instead, I undressed and checked out the breast forms.

Just looking in the mirror I saw that the color of the forms was closer to my skin tone than I imagined they would be, and toyed with the idea of gluing them on, but decided not to, in case dad went crazy on us. I did change into a pair of the new panties, wearing the padded panty before I pulled on the pantyhose again. There was no doubt in my mind, I had a very nicely shaped girls butt with that panty on! The new bra fastened in the front, and when I put it on I realized that it had pulled my chest muscles up so that when I shoved in the breast forms, it looked like I had a very healthy cleavage! One thing I had taken from Sam’s room but never used was a waist nipper of hers. Wrapping it around myself I had to struggle a bit with the unfamiliar hooks to get it fastened, but when I did my waist seemed a whole lot smaller, and gave me the hourglass shape that girls have. It wasn’t that much of a reduction, but it did give me a more defined waist, and was just tight enough that I just hoped that I would still be able to eat!

I slipped the dress over my head and zipped it up, then stepped into the new heels. Looking at myself in the mirror once again, it was scary how much differently I looked. I pulled the wig back on, made sure it was tight, then brushed it out before opening the bag from the jewelry shop. I took out the pearls earrings, then clipped one to each ear before I tried to fasten the necklace. Long nails did not make that easy, but I managed, the pearl choker sitting around my neck and laying in just the right place. I added a bit of perfume and touched up my lipstick just as I heard dad come in just as I made one last very careful check of myself before I opened the door to my room. It had been twenty minutes since dad got home, plenty of time for mom to lay the news on him. Do or die I thought, and stepped out of my bedroom, walking down the hall then the stairs. In the foyer I turned towards the voices in the kitchen, and slowly walked that way, only to emerge in a shaft of sunlight that was invading the kitchen. Mom saw me first, took dad by the arm, and slowly spun him so he could see me. When he did…

"Your mother told me what you two did today, and I can’t say that I’m very happy about this Kelly." Pausing, he moved closer. "Is this what you want? To dress like a girl? What will everyone say!?"

"Nobody will say anything" mom interrupted as she grabbed dad’s arm, "Kelly has turned out to be a beautiful girl, and that’s not her fault!"

"But Kelly is our son! Honey, our son is wearing a dress! Doesn’t that bother you? Even a little?"

Shaking her head…"No, as a matter of fact, it doesn’t! Look, we all know that this started as a costume for that party, but if you took the time to listen to what Kelly has to say, then you’ll understand better!"

When mom said that I shook my head no, because I didn’t want to be the one to tell dad that I had been lumped in with him because of his conviction, which left me on the sidelines most of the time. I knew it was true because some of the girls and a few of the guys had told me their parents had insisted that they stay away from me, just so they wouldn’t have to be around my dad. Their parents only knew about the conviction, not why he was convicted, but it didn’t seem to matter to them. The fact that I was innocent meant nothing to them. There was only one thing to do.

"I can’t mom, you tell him the bad news. I’ll be in the family room."

As I walked away I could hear mom telling dad what I had told her. Their voices were muted, but I didn’t want to hear what she told him anyway. Having learned that dressing as a girl was my entry to a social life I had been shut out of, but as absurd as it sounds, I didn’t really mind it at all. It was different, the clothes took longer to get on, had more snaps, fasteners, buttons, and zippers than you might think, and wearing makeup and having to do my hair all of the time might turn out to be a pain in the ass, but my self esteem had been boosted by attending just one dance as a girl, and I liked all of the attention I got. Both guys and girls treated me as if I belonged, a sensation so new that I wallowed in it, savoring every moment while dreading the day I would have to be myself again, and only my dad stood in the way. I had managed to push my doubts about dressing as a girl aside, casting light only on what I saw as the upside, ignoring the downside and everything implied by my being a boy dressed as a girl. What I saw in the upside was very inviting.

Dad appeared in the family room, looming almost as he stood in the archway.

"I had no idea Kelly! None at all! I thought…I guess it doesn’t matter what I thought, does it?"

"It’s not your fault dad" I said softly, "it’s just the way people are."

"I’ll go change" he said, "and you can stay the way you are, but I am going to put an end to something that should have never happened. Then maybe we can get on with our lives like normal people!"

Dad was a perfect father that night, not once referring to me as anything but his daughter, we had a great time, and for the first time in a very long time, mom actually laughed. Neither dad or I had heard her laugh for so long that it was like music just hearing that soft laugh of hers. Something had broken her out of the state she was in, and I was almost hoping that it wasn’t my dressing as a girl, but in my heart, I was sure it was. Even dad mentioned it when mom left to use the ladies.

"Your mother’ he said, "seems to have returned to being her old self, and I’m wondering if the way you’re dressed has anything to do with this…change in her."

"She was like this all day dad" I told him, "from the minute we hit the mall to right now she has been…happy, and the only thing different is that I’m dressed this way. You figure it out, because I can’t!"

Dad said nothing because we both saw her walking back to the table. Mom was stopping to talk to people, smiling and generally her old self. I knew what I thought, and while dad didn’t say anything, I’m sure that he felt the same way I did. In my mind, mom was like that because I looked like a girl who reminded her of Samantha, and maybe, because I was part of the family. Dad looked at me and winked, then went on as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Later that night, just after I went to my room, my dad slipped into my room and shut the door.

"I haven’t seen your mother like this since…it’s been a long time Kelly." Dad sat on my bed, still watching me. "If it doesn’t bother you, and it doesn’t look like it does, why don’t you give your mother a few more days with a girl called Kelly? Who knows? Maybe it’s just what she needs." I didn’t say anything as dad left, closing the door behind himself.

For the next two days I would get up, change into a different skirt and blouse, then spend the day with mom, doing whatever she wanted to. Each day she seemed to look and sound better, and I was growing quite sure that it was my dressing as a girl that had something to do with it. We were making cookies when mom, without even thinking, called me Samantha. The moment the word left her mouth she looked at me as if lightening had struck her, then she ran out of the kitchen crying. It was all I could do to wait until the last batch was done before I went to my room, undressed, and washed away all remnants of Kelly the girl. I didn’t appear until I was myself again. I could hear mom in her bedroom crying, and while I wanted to go in, I decided not to. I was not my sister, I was myself, and while she had denied it the whole time I had been Kelly the girl, mom had thought of me as my sister Samantha. I had deluded myself into believing that she cared about me, and had put Samantha behind her. I was angry and hurt, so I left her alone.

When dad saw me his eyes went wide, but when I pointed at the stairs, he dropped his lunch box and hit the stairs at a run. While my parents were in their room, I went in the kitchen and used the polish remover to take off the last bit of glue on my nails. Grabbing a soda, I left the house as myself for the first time in a while, then sat on the front porch, shaded by the big tree. Sitting there, I vowed never to dress as a girl again. It only gave me a false sense that I would have a social life, while at the same time causing mom to set aside the fact that her daughter had died. I realized that mom had been using me to replace Samantha, and not only was I hurt, it seemed like mom was trying to relive the past. Since the only need I had to dress as a girl was to make my social life better, I decided that I would continue the way I was before, and leave Kelly the girl in the closet. The gain wasn’t worth the loss.

I saw him before he got close to the porch, but I held back my urge to run in the house since sooner or later, I would have to face him. As Bill walked up on the porch…

"I came to see the other Kelly" he said with a grin. "I just wanted to tell her that she was real cute, and some of the kids, especially the girls club, would like to talk to her."

"About what?" I asked, "as you can see, we have nothing in common any more."

"Maybe you think so" Bill said as he grabbed my arm, "but whether you like it or not, you looked real cute the other night, and it was obvious that for the first time in a very long time, you had a good time at one of those dances! Even the other kids could see it!" Releasing my arm, "that’s why the girls want to talk to you I think."

"They all know that I’m not a girl, and my mom called me Samantha this morning! I’m not my sister, and I don’t like having mom think of me like that! It makes me angry and makes her feel bad, so why should I bother?"

"Because we want you too?" Bill seemed like he was…pleading?

Just then dad came out on the porch. "Kelly, can you come inside please?"

"Think about what I said Kelly" Bill said, then added, "I’ll tell the girls to wait a little, but think about next Saturday, okay?"

Bill walked away and I went inside. Mom wasn’t around, but dad pointed to the kitchen, so we went in there and sat at the table.

"Your mother is very upset Kelly. She called you Samantha out of habit, and not for any other reason. You have no idea how shaken she was when she did that, and I know that you were hurt, but you both have to try and get over that. She loves you and wouldn’t hurt you for anything, it’s just that she felt so…like it used to be, with her and Sam. She knows that Sam is gone, but having you around as a girl made her feel like she had something to offer! Sam was her connection and you are mine, at least that’s what she thought, so when you became a girl, even for a few days she felt…reconnected I guess. She could help you do your hair, and help you with a lot of other girl things and all that, and that gave her a sense that she was needed around here. I was thinking that maybe you would become Kelly the girl one more time, then have a nice long talk with your mother. Besides, as a girl you don’t have to worry about my…background, do you?"

Dad had put it on the line, telling me what I thought I already knew, but mom just had to understand that I wasn’t my sister, and wasn’t going to try and be her. If I did get all dolled up again, it would be for all of us, especially myself, and for no other reason. Looking at dad I simply nodded my head yes, then went to my room to change clothes. I had all of the clothes I had taken off, plus the new makeup, and I managed to become a girl in half an hour. Sure that I knew what was coming, I did not use and eyeliner, just foundation and blusher. When I was ready I walked out of my room and nudged open mom’s bedroom door. She wasn’t there, so I went down the stairs and found her in the kitchen. Dad wasn’t anywhere to be seen. The smell of fresh cookies still filled the kitchen, so without a word I got some milk and filled a plate with cookies, then set a glass in front of her. With the cookies between us…

"Kelly" mom began, "I’m so sorry! I didn’t think, it was just…it was so much like what…we used to do that I…"

"Mom" I said stopping her, "I know what happened! But you have to get past all that and let me be myself! I know that you miss Sam, we all do, but she’s gone and I’m not!" I sat back looking at her. "Mom, Bill stopped by. He told me that some of the girls from the girls club want to talk to me, the girl me! But what do I tell them? If I talk to them, they’ll expect to see a girl named Kelly more often, right? So, if I decide to do it, dress like a girl again I mean, outside of this house, will you help me? I’m not Samantha, so I don’t know everything she knew about being a girl! I need you to help me mom, but I need to you to help me be myself, not someone you want me to be. Sam is gone, but I’m here, and I need you more now than she ever did!" Mom started crying, sobbing really, and as I went to her she jumped up and let me simply hold her. Her sobbing slowed down a little, and as I held her…"mom, I’m not even sure that I like dressing as a girl enough to do it more than once in a while, but I’ll try hard to be the kind of girl that you want me to be, if you will help me, and accept me for who I am…okay?"

With a firm nod of her head she took my hand in hers and looked deep into my eyes, then…

"Tell me about this boy Bill."

"What about him? He’s a friend, he knows all about me, and he’s the one that delivered the message from the girls. He’s nothing special, just a guy I know, why?"

"Just asking" mom said, "and yes, I would love to help you, and no, I will never call you Samantha again. You and your father are right. It’s time to let go, which will be a lot easier now that we understand each other better. Honey" she said suddenly, "just how easy is it going to be for you to keep switching between boy and girl? I mean, isn’t that going to get confusing? For everyone?" Mom pulled me back to my chair, then sitting across from me again…"Kelly, you told me that you never had as much fun as the night that you went to the party as a girl, and I certainly know that being a teenager can be tough, but hiding from who you are might not be the answer! You also said, and I know that you’re right, that you always got stuck at home on the weekends. Who’s fault is that? Before you answer that, tell me why it is that as a girl you seem to have more friends! Tell me what is so different about you besides that way you look." As I sat there wondering why she asked me that, "Kelly" mom said softly, "if you want to become a girl I’ll help you in any way I can, but I don’t see how this is going to work if you keep changing back and forth, so why not try this? You dress as a girl from now until break is over, which is…two weeks, then we’ll decide. If you want to continue, then we’ll try to make the arrangements so that can happen. If not, then you start back to school as a boy. Okay?"

I agreed to stay dressed as a girl every day for the next two weeks, then I told her why I thought Kelly the girl had more fun than Kelly the boy. It was the makeup. Wearing makeup, I could hide the acne, and with all of the color on my face, it was almost as if I had normal skin. Then I mentioned again that I thought that as a boy I had been lumped in with dad, but as a girl, I wasn’t. That hurt mom, but she knew damned well what I meant, so all she did was nod her head in understanding. We drank our milk, had a few cookies, then mom said that since I was going to be a girl for two weeks, maybe I should let her attach those new boobs I bought. I couldn’t think of one reason not to agree, so we went to my room. Once I was naked to the waist, mom carefully glued them to my chest, and I put the bra and top back on.

Having the breast forms glued on accentuated every movement, and I could feel them pulling at my chest when I walked of moved in any way. It felt strange, but also, very nice in a way. Then mom removed my wig and began to play with my hair. Using mousse and a brush, she created a short but clearly feminine hairstyle! Glad to get rid of the wig, I put on some more lipstick, then hugged mom. After she left, I went in a took a pair of jeans and put them on, just to see if I could look like a girl wearing jeans. After all, most girls wore slacks to school and not skirts. I was very happy to see that the jeans fit me just like they would on any girl, and left my room. Dad saw me, pulled me aside, then asked me if I wanted to help him, and when I said yes, he told me what he wanted me to do. Since it went to the root cause of our families troubles, I instantly agreed and went looking for mom, and told her what I wanted to do. Then I went to see Bill.

As I explained it to him his eyes went wide, but Bill didn’t say anything until I was done, then merely nodded his head in agreement. Dad was about to create a frontal assault on the state’s insistence that his name remain on that list, in total disregard for the facts of his case. If they wouldn’t listen to his pleas on the phone or in court, and since he had nothing else to lose, he was going to the papers, and of course, I was about to become the centerpiece of his attack. That’s why I needed Bill and the girls in the girls club to help us. As I walked home I realized that conforming to a standard was so easy that very few people realized they did it. Cookie cutter homes in subdivisions, all with exactly the same size yard, the one tree and a few shrubs are just one example. Boys wearing dresses absolutely didn’t fit into the normal standard, which is exactly what we were going to disprove, along with the fact that the state is not always perfect. They, like the rest of us, also make mistakes.

I thought that what dad was doing was dangerous, since he was about to tell the world that his name was on a sex offenders list, yet, if the public rallied around his cause he would be exonerated in their eyes if not the state’s. I would be on display as well, a boy that was dressing as a girl just so that he wasn’t tarred with the same brush as his father. Like my father, I would also be at risk. If only one parent decided to make an issue of my dressing as a girl, regardless of the reason, I could find myself stranded and out of the social loop yet once again. I read in one of my class books that "there is no purity of form", meaning that everything, including people, come in all shapes and sizes, colors and races, plus, there are boys that become girls, girls that become boys, and those that are equipped as each. Where is it written that says that I cannot wear a dress?

My mind a jumble of thoughts, I was still focused on only two things. Helping my dad clear his name and making my mother feel as if her place in the family was not lost when Samantha died. Having been an outcast that had recently experienced the joy of inclusion, I was ready to do almost anything that I could to make that happen, and if returning to being an outcast was the price, I was willing to pay it. I loved my sister, and missed her just as much as everyone else, but her death and my wearing a dress, just that one time had been the catalyst in all this. That meant that I had no choice but to stand up and be counted, and while it might hurt for a while, it would finally be over for all of us. Mom was gone when I got home, so I flicked on the television. About an hour later she showed up, her face showing a look of grim determination. Mom showed me what she bought, asking me if Bill agreed, and when I said that he had, she reminded me that I had only two days. She and I would be very busy the next day, but I went to my room to start getting ready anyway.

When I got up the next morning I checked my entire body, finding only a few stray hairs that I had missed, then slipped on some panties, jeans and a top before I went to breakfast. Dad was there, asking me if I was sure, and when I said yes, he told me that our lawyer was prepared to put the papers onto dad’s story that day, which meant that I had a day and a half at best before we would all be facing the media. Dad went to work while mom and I went to my room. She was going to help me get ready, and by the look on her face, she was fully prepared to make sure that I looked more like a girl than I ever had! I slipped on the padded panty expecting that mom would want me to go further, but she said no, telling me to wear the same top, grab my purse, and follow her. She took me to her salon where she had made arrangements for me to get the full treatment, starting with my hair. As short as it was, the girl still cut some off, then I watched in the mirror as she began to style my hair, which didn’t take long, until she started to add the extensions.

They weren’t that long, just enough to make my hair shoulder length. It took almost three hours for her to finish, then another hour to dye my hair all one color, add highlights, and create a hairstyle that looked good on me. Thinking I was done, I started to get up but was held back. Then I saw those waxing strips. My eyebrows were shaped a little, followed by having my nails done, then another half hour in a makeup chair. By the time they told me I could leave, I had spent almost six hours in the salon, but when I looked in the mirror I could see that every minute was worth it. Truly, I didn’t look like myself in any way! Mom paid the tab, making another appointment for each of us for the next three days, telling me that they would do my makeup so that I would not have to worry about looking nice. They would do it, all I had to do was show up. When we got home mom introduced me to a corselet, which is nothing more than a modified torture device. Before she was done lacing me up I was gasping for breath, but there wasn’t any doubt that I had a very feminine figure.

Not needing a bra, I slipped the dress over my head, mom zipped it up, then I changed earrings and touched up my lipstick before I stepped into the low heels.

"Ready?" mom asked me.

"I’m as ready as I’ll get mom."

"Then call Bill and tell him you’re on your way over."

Mom dropped me off in front of Bill’s house, and with a deep breath I walked up and rang the bell. I was admitted by his mother who escorted me to the rear of the house and out on the patio. Bill, Greg, and Stan were there, as were about ten girls. Every eye was on me as I walked over, took a soda, then asked Stan to open it for me so I would break a nail.

"Everyone", Bill said suddenly, "I’m sure that you all know that this is Kelly. She has something to say to us."

I planned on just telling them what was going on, but I didn’t. Shaky at first I managed to start at the beginning, how I felt at that party where I first appeared as a girl, how everyone made me feel that night, especially Bill, then my reasons for feeling that I had been left out before that. It was an indictment of all the teen pressures we all go through I suppose, but they listened without interrupting. Then I told them the real reason that my dad’s name was on that list and how the state refused to remove it, even after all these years. How every time a house was sold in our neighborhood, the realty had no choice but to mention that a registered sex offender lived around the area, plus my feeling that I had been held accountable for something I had no part of. Then I told them that we as a family were going on the offensive, taking on the state by using the media to bring to light the inadequacies of their system, adding that I needed them to help me. If they chose not to help me I told them that was fine, only that it would be easier on me if they did help. Just about then I flopped into a chair, exhausted from telling them that I thought that I had always been left out, the way I looked the primary reason.

Nobody said anything for a minute, then…

"You all done Kelly?" It was Greg. When I nodded my head yes…"You’re so full of crap that you can’t even see it!" Standing up he walked closer. "You want the real reason everyone left you alone?"

"Sure" I said, "what?"

"Your sister." Stunned, I said nothing as he went on. "She may have been your daddy’s little girl, the apple of his eye and all that, and we know that you all loved her and when she died it was real tough on your family, but it’s also obvious that you didn’t know about the little blackmail scheme she was running, did you?"

"That’s a lie" I said as I jumped up, "a damned lie!"

"No" he said softly as I slumped back into the chair, "it isn’t a lie, and I can prove it if I have to, so please, don’t make me do that." Then he surprised me by taking my hands in his. "Kelly, none of us were sure that you weren’t involved with her schemes! How could we?" Pulling me to my feet, "Kelly, when you showed up dressed as a girl we all just accepted it as a costume, but when Janet and Marcie saw you at the mall we all knew that you couldn’t have been involved with your sister because by appearing in public as a girl meant that you didn’t have any power over us, if you ever did that is."

Kelly" Marcie said as she stood up, "we’re not stupid you know, we know all about boys that want to be girls, or at least dress like a girl, but that had nothing to do with it!" Looking around at the others, Marcie turned her face back to me. "Kelly, if you want us to help you, then you have to tell us the real reason."

Samantha a blackmailer? My mind was reeling at the concept. I had been so stupid, unable to see what was happening right in front of my face. Why did Samantha always have money while I was always near broke? I looked around at everyone, their faces not stony, more solemn I guess. "I…" I started…

"I…look at me! Take a good look at me! My mom spent lots of money this morning so that I could look this way! I thought that as a girl you would all accept me, and for once I could be a part of the group! How could I have been so stupid?" I felt the tears in my eyes forming, and dabbed at them with a tissue so I didn’t ruin my makeup. "The rest is true, dad is going to the media with his story, then try to get the state to change the rules and get his name off that list!"

"But" Janet said, "you found out that you like being a girl, didn’t you? If you didn’t, you never would have let them do all that to you. Am I right? Do you like being a girl so much that you let them do this to you?"

"Who cares" Cathy said, "Kelly looks better than you do Janet! If Kelly wants to be a girl, I say let her! I mean, I’m not afraid of a little competition!"

"You should be" Greg told her, "and given how Kelly looks, you should know that!"

"Kelly" Bill said as he sat there, "we don’t care how you dress! Well, maybe a few kids will, but we don’t, and we’re the ones you asked to be here! Now, lets cut the crap. Tell us what it is that you want us to do!"

So I told them. It was asking a lot, and maybe a few wouldn’t be there, but all it would take was a few and our point would be made. Greg looked at Stan who looked at Bill, then the girls seemed to swarm all around me, drawing me away from the guys. Surrounded, it was all I could do to just stand there and try to keep my knees from shaking. Beth pushed everyone aside, facing me almost nose to nose.

"Kelly, is it your intention to remain as a girl?"

"I’m not sure! I…"

"Kelly, we know that you’re aware that girls make guys crazy? We make them do stupid things for our affection, we tease them and taunt them, we smell good and dress nicely, we flaunt our assets and deny guys our company. Not only is it fun being a girl, we have all of the power! So, I ask you again. Will you remain as a girl?"

Looking at all of their faces, all of a sudden I thought I knew what it was that was nagging at me. It was true that I wanted to be not only accepted, but at that exact moment, I wanted to be accepted as a girl. From that first night at the party until that moment I had felt something I couldn’t explain pulling at me, but I didn’t understand it, not until that moment! "Yes" I said, "if I can."

"Then" Beth said, "take this pin and wear it as a symbol of your femininity. We accept you as a girl, one of the many that hold the power over men."

With that she pressed a pin into my hand and they all gave me a hug. The pin, nothing more than a cheap paste ruby set in a gold ring, was much more than a simple pin, it was the very symbol the girls used to identify themselves as a group! Looking at it I felt the tears welling in my eyes and as I dabbed them away, Valerie took the pin and fastened it to my dress. I saw the guys huddled together, but the girls drew me to the far side of the patio where we all sat.

"Does your dad know what you’re doing?"

Nodding my head at Valerie, "He knows, and mom took me to the beauty shop today. "This is an all or none deal" I said, "and might even make things worse, but mom, dad, and I need to do this or we’ll always be under a cloud, and frankly, I’m sick of it!"

"We’ll be there Kelly. Call Janet and she’ll send out the word, okay?"

"Sure" I said, and thanks…all of you!"

"Don’t" said Beth, "thank us, thank Bill. He’s the one that set all this up. If you were to ask me, I think he’s got a thing for you!"

"Nah!" I said, "how can he? He knows who I am, and he certainly knows that I’m not really a girl!"

Just then the phone rang. It was my mom reminding me that I had to get home, so I stood up to leave, planning to walk home, but Bill offered to drive me, which drew a few winks and smiles from the girls. Given what Bill had done for me, I was beginning to wonder if Bill wasn’t just a tad crazier than I was. Dad was waiting for me on the porch when Bill dropped me off, so thanking him for the ride, I went to meet dad.

"The suit was filed today" dad said excitedly, "and Jeff will make a formal statement to the press later tomorrow. That means that the next day it’s going to hit the fan. Now then" he said in a low voice, "I know that this all started as a costume, but I have to know, and so does Jeff. Is this how you intend to continue to dress? As a girl?"

"Dad" I said while grabbing his hand, "I spent six hours in the beauty shop today! Would I do that if I didn’t mean it? Hair extensions, acrylic nails, a dye job, waxed eyebrows, professional makeup…there isn’t much left they could do to me dad! Of course I mean it! I even have appointments every day to get my hair and nails done, just so I’ll look good for the cameras!"

As we went in the house I neglected to tell dad what I had planned, but smiled when I thought of it. Mom seemed to be back to her usual self again, smiling when she saw me, but handed me an apron to protect my dress. She and I made dinner, then later, after dinner, I went to change. When I walked in my room I saw a complete peignoir and robe set on the bed, the light blue capturing the light and reflected it in a way that made the set look even sexier than it really was. I cleaned up and slipped it on, then the robe, slid my feet into my slippers, and went to watch television with dad. I walked into the familyroom in a swirl of pale blue chiffon, not the slightest thing about me revealing my true status as a guy, and his eyes popped open as I plopped into a chair. Dad didn’t say a word, but I noticed that he flicked through the channels a lot more than usual.

The next morning I was home from the salon after having my makeup redone and my hair set again by eleven, then changed into a new dress mom and I had bought, just for this occasion. Mom and I watched our lawyer make his announcement on the television, which is when mom went to get herself cleaned up and some makeup on. Dad was at work when I saw the first camera truck coming, and I quickly called Janet, telling her that the first truck was on the way. We wouldn’t open the door until Jeff and dad arrived, and as they muscled their way past the reporters, I kept out of sight. But I knew a secret that I had to tell them.

"Dad?"

"Yes Kelly?"

"Did you know that Samantha was running a blackmail and extortion operation at the school?"

"What!? What did you say?" Jeff grabbed my arm, steering me away from the windows, with mom and dad following. "What about Samantha?" So I told him what I knew, adding that Beth could add more. "Can you call her?" he asked me excitedly, "Can I talk to her?"

"Sure" I said, reaching for the phone.

What followed was a series of grunts and a few questions, then Jeff tossed us all out of the room. When he reappeared, he was smiling.

"Those reporters" he said, are very good at what they do, and they will certainly find out about what Samantha was doing, so this is how I intend to use the information."

He outlined his plan, and while both of my parents were still in shock finding out that Samantha was committing a crime, Jeff insisted, and got his way. That’s when he walked to the front door and stepped outside, with just dad beside him, and began to answer questions. Most dealt with dad’s predicament, some of the reporters sympathetic and some not, but no questions were directed at or about mom, Samantha, or myself. Until Jeff went on the attack.

"This man’s son Kelly," Jeff started out, "through no fault of his own, had been tarred with the same brush as his father, simply because he is a male! I ask you, is that fair? His son endured years of solitude because other parents demanded that he be given a wide berth, even though he had no connection at all the ridiculous crime his father had been charged with! This boy struggled with his solitude until very recently when he found, quite by accident, a way to recapture his own status, which led to many internal conflicts within this family. His sister, this man’s daughter began commit crimes in order to save her brother, blackmailing certain students into silence, all in an effort to save her brother from even more of the ostracism he had been suffering under."

Drawing a breath, his hand reached out to the door. "I want to introduce you to the newest member of this family."

Jeff opened the door, and with a gentle hand squeeze from mom, I stepped out on the porch. Mom and I had carefully selected what I would wear, from the skin out. The minute I had gotten home mom had laced me into the corselet, then I had slipped the dress on. A summer sundress, it had a pair of straps that went over my shoulders, a fitted bodice that accented my new bustline and narrow waist, flaring a little at my hips only to end just above my knees. I pulled my breasts up a little bit in the bra cups, added perfume and touched up my lipstick before I stepped into the low white heels and changed jewelry. As I stepped outside I could hear a sort of gasp from the reporters.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the new Kelly. As you can see, she is a very beautiful girl, and to prove that she has many friends, some of them are standing behind you. They are here to support her decision to make this dramatic change in her lifestyle."

About half of the reporters went to talk to Bill, Stan, Greg, Beth, Valerie, Mike, and Janet, while the rest stayed, but were looking straight at me.

"Is that true?" came the first question, "you were kept out of school activities?"

"No" I said, I could go, I just sat alone most of the time."

"Counselor," came the next, "you want us to believe that this girl is actually a boy?! Doesn’t look like any boy I’ve ever seen!"

"That’s the idea" Jeff said, "and Kelly has not only become a wonderfully lovely girl to look at, her friends back there are supporting her. But remember, this all started almost 17 years ago when a bitter old man filed charges that the police would not later retract, and has gathered steam ever since. Both Kelly and Samantha took, and are taking, extraordinary measures to distance themselves from a blot on this man record that should have been purged the moment he and his wife got married. And who can fault them? These children, like all others, want only to be accepted by their peers! Ask yourself this. How long could you stand up to being shut out?"

"Kelly" came a voice from the crowd, "do you date?" Is there someone special? A boy? Are you Gay, is that why you’re doing this?

"No" I told the voice, "I do not date, I’m not Gay, and there isn’t anyone special. This…"

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen." Jeff grabbed my arm when he started to talk again. "This issue is not about Kelly or her sister, but about an injustice that has gone on for long enough! There are 1754 people on the list of sex offenders that have been proven innocent for a variety of reasons, men like this man, and others who’s name does not belong there, yet the state says they have no way to purge those names! This is a simple database my friends! Any competent high school student could purge those names, yet the state says they can’t! I ask you, do others like Kelly and her parents have to suffer from this forever?"

Looking out from the front porch I saw a car drive up, park, and a man get out. Older, I had no idea who he was. He stayed on the far side of the street as Jeff answered more questions.

"I think" Jeff said, "that’s enough for today, if you have any more questions you may call my office."

Dad, Jeff and I went inside where mom was waiting. According to plan, mom and I would be "on" again the next day.

"Your father" dad said to mom, "was out there today. Across the street."

All mom did was nod her head. Since I had never met my grandfather, I had no idea who he was. Just then the doorbell rang, and when Jeff opened the door, I saw all my friends standing there grinning. He let them in, and I was quickly surrounded, Bill standing to my right.

"I have to go now," Jeff said to us, "but I’ll be back the day after tomorrow for our next announcement."

As Jeff opened the door to walk out I felt someone’s hand on my back. Turning, I saw that it was Bill! Mom sent us all outside to the patio so she and dad could talk, but I saw the shadow in the frosted glass of the front door and hesitated until mom glared at me, so I let Bill walk me outside. It could only have been my grandfather I thought, and shut the patio door.

"That one lady reporter" Beth said excitedly, "asked me if you were really a boy! She said that she didn’t believe it. She said that you didn’t look anything like a boy in a dress!"

"Yeah" said Valerie giggling, "she wanted to know if we knew for sure that you were a boy, and if we did, why were we there!"

"I told her why Kelly" Mike said as he walked over to me. "I wasn’t at that other get together because nobody called me, but when Greg called me yesterday and told me to be here today, he told me that I might just learn something. You know what? He was right!" Getting real close to me, "Kelly, I’m as much to fault for what made you do this as anyone. I mean, I’m…a lot of the kids look up to me, and I didn’t do a thing when I saw you stuck on the boards at almost all of our events. For that I’m sorry. I should have done something Kelly, but I didn’t." Looking around at everyone…"It took a lot of bal…nerve for you to stand out there dressed like a girl, I know that I couldn’t do it, and I don’t know any guys that could." Looking at everyone again, "I’m telling you that you don’t have to do this to be accepted anyone Kelly, but if you decide to stay like this, then we" he waved his hand around, "will make sure that nobody bothers you." Then he gave me a hug!

We all heard the door open, turned, and saw first mom, then our high school Principal walk out! He looked around at all of us, then walked over to me. With a careful head to toe look at me, he smiled and took my hands in his.

"I had no idea all this was happening in my school, but now that I do know, we are going to make sure that nobody is ever left out again!" Kelly, you are welcome in the school as a girl, if that is your choice, and like I heard Mike say, nobody will bother you. I understand why you’re doing this, it’s to help your dad, but by you becoming a girl it might all backfire on you. You do know that don’t you?"

"Not with my friends, family, and you behind me it won’t" I said gaily. "I found out that I don’t mind being a girl, except for some of the stuff we have to wear, so I don’t think I’ll change sir. From now on, what you see is what you get!"

"Not really" he said with a grin, "I see a girl, and so does…Bill I’ll bet, but what he gets is a boy in a dress!"

"Not for long" said Janet, "I’ll bet that Kelly is a girl before we graduate!"

Our principal shook my hand, then left, as did most of the kids. Janet, Bill and Mike stayed behind, so I got us some drinks and we sat at the small table. Unable to contain myself, I put my hand over Bill’s, grinning the whole time we sat there. When the patio door opened again, mom walked out with the older man I had seen, my grandfather. I didn’t stand up as he approached the table, his eyes wet, his hands folded in front of himself. He stared at me, I stared back, then he spun around and walked back in the house with mom right behind him. That’s when I filled them in, telling them that he was my grandfather, the one that had pressed the charges against my father. I also told them that I had never met the man, didn’t know one thing about him, and wasn’t eager to know anything more than that. A bit later Bill, Janet and Mike left and I went in the house. My grandfather was still there, but he had a small elderly woman next to him. It had to be my grandmother. I didn’t know her either.

I started to go to my room, but…

"Kelly" mom said, "these are your grandparents."

"Yeah" I said, "I figured that out. Can I go to my room?"

"I want you to stay Kelly." It was my grandmother.

"I don’t think I have anything to say to him" I said sourly, "and probably not even you. I don’t know you for a reason." Looking at mom…"Can I go now?"

"I’ll come up and loosen your corselet" mom said, "and maybe mom can come along too?"

I didn’t wait to answer her. Instead I went to my room and slipped out of my heels then unzipped my dress, pulling it over my head just as they came in and shut the door. I ignored both mom and grandma, going into the closet to hang up the dress. Once I was back, mom began to untie my laces, then…

"You have no idea how much your grandfather regretted what he did Kelly. He tried to make them not prosecute, but they did it anyway! It wasn’t his fault!"

I turned to face her, anger in my eyes. "Maybe he tried, maybe not, but he sure didn’t help us any, did he? He knew that mom and dad were about to get married and he still went ahead and filed those charges anyway! Stepping into a pair of cut of jeans I added, "As far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t exist, and if I never see him again it will be to soon, for any of us I’ll bet!" As I slipped a tee over my head, "I suppose he’ll file charges against me now! Maybe he doesn’t like boys becoming girls!"

"I understand how you feel honey" grandma said, "really, I do. What he did was wrong, and I told him that at the time, but your grandfather is a very stubborn man, and went ahead and filed those charges without even telling me about it! I lost my daughter and never got a chance to see you kids. That’s a high price to pay, even for me!"

"I’m really not interested in hearing about all that" I told her, "you had a chance to make things right a long time ago and you didn’t. Now that we have decided to tell everyone how stupid you were and how unfair the system is, you decide to show up all of a sudden! How does it feel to be the outcast?" neither she nor mom spoke up, so…"I know how it feels, and I could tell you, but I won’t." Lacing up my shoes I went to the door. "As far as I’m concerned, you can take that old man back home and wait for the press to show up, just like we did."

As I walked down the stairs I saw him coming towards me, but I slid past him and went outside, shutting the door solidly. I had to get away from those people. They had started something long before I was born, yet it seemed that I, instead of my dad and a bad law was the center of everyone’s attention. I went down the street, not really paying any attention, just walking to get away from all of the tension in our house. I blamed my grandparents for everything that had happened, and I had good reason to feel that way. People were outside, mowing the lawn, washing their cars, whatever, but I ignored all of that. I didn’t even think about looking like a girl, only what was about to happen. If just one parent complained I could be arrested the minute I set foot in the school dressed as a girl, dad might not get his name removed from the list and even more people than before would know of his status, mom could return to being morose all of the time, and my friends could desert me. I had a swell range of options at one time. Now I was down to one. I had to remain a girl, because if nothing else, I had to prove a point.

I didn’t get back home for almost two hours, and I was surprised to see that my grandparents car was still in the driveway! Dad hated them, so I couldn’t figure out why he just didn’t toss them both out on their ears. As I walked in dad saw me and quickly took me into the kitchen. Taking me by the arm he spun me around so that I was facing him.

"Tell me Kelly" he said, "are you just some drag queen making a point, or are you going to be our daughter?"

"I’m not a drag queen and you know it!" I spit back.

"Then you listen to me! Whether we like it or not, those people in there are about to have their entire lives dragged through the same mud we have been in. Do I like having them here? No. Do we need them to win? Yes. We do. They are your grandparents, and regardless of what you may think, they are entitled to a little civility!"

"Grandparents?" I asked him, "Grandparents are there when you need them! Where were they at any of our birthdays? Where were they when you had that skin cancer? Where were they when Samantha died? Not one card, call, nothing! They are just some people you know! I don’t know them! Why should I? Now you want me to go out there and let that old man tear at me like he did you? He can go to hell dad! I’m going to stay a girl, and there isn’t one thing he can do about it!"

"That’s the point Kelly!" Dad let go of my arm, "We don’t expect you to know them, or even be close to them, but we do expect you to act like a lady. Be polite, listen to what they have to say, and maybe you’ll learn something!"

Not waiting for my answer, dad took me by the arm again, and we went in the familyroom. I sat in the far chair, facing everyone. The old man had been crying, and looked terrible. Grandma held his hand, and she too had been crying. Nobody said a thing for a moment, then mom spoke up.

"Kelly, we all know what happened, and we cannot take it back, It’s done. We have found out that our daughter ran a blackmail ring, and regardless of what Jeff said, it wasn’t to help you. We should have know all along because she never needed any money, but…in any case, now we have our son dressing as a girl, and looking almost better than his sister ever did! None of us are here to tell you to quit being a girl since we all think you can’t. My dad, your grandfather, has agreed to make a public statement tomorrow, and we think it would be a public relations coup if you were to stand there with him. It will show that as a family we are standing together no matter what happens. What’s really true doesn’t matter. Only that the public see things our way."

I looked at everyone looking back at me, and knew that I couldn’t say no to mom, so I simply nodded my head yes. They left soon after that, leaving the three of us alone for the first time all day. That’s when mom told me yet again that I did not have to remain dressing as a girl all of the time, telling me that my point had been made. I disagreed, telling her that until dad’s name was cleared, I was going to remain as a girl. I liked being a girl I told her, maybe more than I should have, and didn’t mind all of the rigmarole I had to go through to look nice, then I told them both about the pin the girls had given me. Mom didn’t say a word, leaving the room for a moment, returning to show me a pin, almost a match for the one I had! We went out for dinner that night, getting home in time to watch the news.

There were several very long shots of me standing there, the commentary actually favorable towards what we were trying to do. Everyone could see the inconsistency in the law, it was a glaring error, and the commentator mentioned it several times. One of the female reporters said on the air that she had at first doubted that I was a boy, then they ran a clip of Beth telling her that I was a boy. Beth also told her that they all understood the reason I had decided to become a girl, and were behind me all the way! I was very grateful to see my friends stand up for me, to the point that I had tears in my eyes.

The next day I had my daily makeup and hair comb out, then I went home and selected a suit to wear. If I had to stand next to my grandfather, I was damned well going to be a prim as I could. My resentment at what I saw as a lifetime of turmoil festered just beneath the surface, all focused on one person. There was no way that I could ever forgive him for what he had done, but I had an obligation to my parents, so I began to get dressed. The suit was actually a straight tan skirt with a brown jacket and a white top. I wore the white heels and white jewelry, using a very light red lipstick to accent the demure look I wanted to convey. After adding some perfume I changed to a white purse, then left my room. Mom had also changed but dad was nowhere to be found. She and I left for Jeff’s office and our next confrontation with the press.

The second press conference was staged of course, and I dutifully stood next to my grandfather as he admitted that he had gone overboard when he filed those charges, relating how he and his wife had not seen either Samantha or myself until a few days ago. They had been shut out of our lives because of what he had done. He was so good that I almost cried for him, then I remembered all those times when his help would have been needed, and none of us got it. Yes, I was bitter, and in my mind there wasn’t anything he could do to change that. We had lived with the results of his actions, coping the best we could without him, and frankly, I didn’t see any reason to change that. But I smiled in the right places and even held his hand once, but that was it. Jeff spoke about the unfairness of the law, urging the state to rescind dad inclusion on the list and expounded on the reasons why. As we stood there listening I saw a car drive up, then stop at the curb.

Everyone turned to face the car, and as we watched, the Governor got out of the car! He walked to where we were standing then looked at all of us in turn, before he moved to stand next to Jeff.

"The law is obviously flawed" he said in a strong baritone, "and if seeing a young boy that feels he has to dress like a girl isn’t enough of a clue then I don’t know what is! Based on the facts I have received within the last few days and the number of responses my office has received about this injustice, I am ordering the Attorney General to remove this man’s name from the list and expunge all records relating to this one event. After careful research my staff has determined that I have this authority to do this, so I am exercising that power in this one case, then I am ordering a review of the process and a more thorough sifting of people on the list of sex offenders. As you all know, I have always been against the inclusion of minors to a list that will haunt them for the rest of their lives, especially in cases like this one, and as this case points out the problems that can arise from this misuse of the state’s authority, I am asking the legislature to review the criteria for inclusion for all further cases so that this travesty does not befall another family."

Taking Jeff by the arm, The Governor smiled at the cameras, then they moved to go inside. Dad and I followed them without saying a word, but the minute we were safely inside with the door locked...

"This was a very clever ploy on your part" the Governor said to Jeff, "but having this mans son dress as a girl? Isn’t that pushing things a bit far? I mean, doesn’t that put him in jeopardy?"

"It wasn’t their idea sir" I interrupted, "it was my idea, and since all of the kids in my school already know, and some of them have even talked to me about it, I don’t see any problems, and besides, there is a little more to it than dad’s…problems…sir."

"I see" he said as he turned to dad. "Your name will be off the list by Monday at ten, and I hope that you will be available to help me encourage the legislature to revisit this law and make the changes needed so that this does not happen again."

"Of course" dad said as he shook his hand, but…"

"Yes?" the Governor asked.

"Can we" dad asked, "if Kelly decides to remain as a girl, find a way to make it easier for her? So she isn’t hassled by people that just don’t get it?"

"I think we can manage that much" The Governor said, "especially after what she has had to do to because of a lousy law." Turning to Jeff, "I’ll have someone on my staff call you about this, and we’ll fax over all relevant documents you’ll need." He shook our hands then opened the office door. Before he stepped out…"I don’t know anyone that has shown the bravery, or fortitude you have. You must love your father very much to do what you’re doing. I envy him for that." With a smile, he stepped out, leaving us standing there stunned.

As I stood there I realized that while the Governor had removed the stain from dad’s record, I would still have to overcome the biases most of the kids at school had. No matter what the law did, if I gave up being a girl and returned to my former status, I would almost certainly revert to being a wallflower. Besides, I had come to like the way I looked. Dad and I left the office expecting everyone to be gone, but the reporters were still there!

"Kelly! Kelly!" The chorus of voices assaulted us the moment we were outside, so we stopped to take a few questions. "Is it true that the Governor has granted your father clemency?"

"He did" I told them, "what should have been done years ago. He corrected an injustice."

"Now that this is over, what are your plans? Will you go back to dressing as a boy?"

"Since" I said with a smile, "all of my friends have accepted me this way, I see no reason to make any changes at this time."

"And you agree with having your SON wear dresses sir?"

"Clothes" dad said sharply "do not now, and never have defined a persons character, and if wearing a dress helps my son through this very traumatic time, then of course I agree! My son will always be my child, and I will always love him no matter what he wears. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to leave."

Three days later it was announced that my dad’s name had been removed from the list, along with 232 others that had been caught in similar circumstances, and that the legislature was reviewing the law in order to make changes giving judges more leeway in deciding who’s name would be on the sex offenders list. On my last appointment at the salon I had the chance to get a haircut and return to being my old self, but declined. Instead I had them wax my arms and legs. My tenure as a girl up to that point had been nothing but great, and I saw no reason to change things, so I didn’t. Soon after that, mom and I went through Samantha’s clothes, keeping only those that fit me, giving away the rest. Then I moved into my sisters old room.

Mom never again fell back into the funk she had been in, dad got promoted, and I started school just a few weeks later. Most everyone accepted me as the girl they saw, only a few clinging to the past and fewer that hassled me about it. My grandparents tried to talk to me a few times, but the damage they caused was so great that I just could not get overly friendly with them. Mom began to talk to them, but dad never did. Maybe it was wrong, but since I barely knew them, I was content to leave them out of my life. Mom however wanted to get closer to her parents, and wanted me to at least talk to grandma, so I went with her for a lunch with grandma. At best it was tense, since both mom and I harbored bad feelings, but grandma made it clear that she understood, and simply told us that when we were ready, they would be there. Somehow, I believed that.

It was an exhilarating first few days, then I settled into the routine of high school. Bill, Stan, and Greg always said hello, and while I thought that Bill might make a move on me, he never did, which was good. I wasn’t sure that I was ready, or even capable of dating boys. That lasted until halfway through the school year when I turned 16 and my parents held a huge birthday party for me, which is when Greg asked me out! We went to the show then for a burger. Like all of the girls I knew, he didn’t get very far with me, but I did let him kiss me.

That was two long years ago, and now that I am headed off to college, I cannot remember what it was like to be a boy. You see, I never did change back to being a guy, preferring to simply be a girl and get on with my life. Sooner or later I know that I’ll make the transition to female, but for the moment, I am content to take the little pills and wait. Time is on my side and I’m in no hurry at all.

 

 

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© 2001 by Janet Stickney. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.
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