"Memories light the corner of my mind.
Misty water color memories
Of the way we were." - Barbra Streisand

 

A Life Ever Changing

by Angel

#42  Scattered Pictures

 

Oh, memories, we relive them each and every day. If only we were more aware!...

Barbara was getting more excited by the second! She was squirming in her seat and tapping her toes so much that Rita said, "Barb, STOP THAT!"

Barbara instantly froze, causing us all to start laughing. Auntie Helen, still chuckling said, "Okay girls, let us do some shopping shall we?"

Barbara was up in a nanosecond! She grabbed my hand and pulled me up as fast as she could. We all started laughing at her again she was just so full of the shopping fever. With Auntie Helen leading the way and Rita beside her, Barbara and I still hand in hand, we left the office to SHOP!

Auntie Helen said, "I believe we will start from the skin out, is that all right with everyone?"

We all agreed and we found ourselves led into a section with beautiful lingerie. The styles were from the simplest but very elegant, to the most frilliest of frillies you could imagine. There were silk and lace, nylon and cashmere with a host of other materials as well. There was everything from panties and bras to corsets and stays, robes and nightgowns of every conceivable kind. We could spend days here!

Helen was in Heaven and it looked like Rita was just as happy as she was. Soon Barbara and I were stripped to our skins and given those disposable panties they give you when you are going to be trying on panties. Helen came over close to me as I was standing in my altogether; she looked closely, surveying me from top to bottom.

She was not disappointed because she said to me in a whisper "Angel, you are still as beautiful as I remembered you. You are taller now and your face is slightly longer and slimmer, but your eyes and your lashes are the same. Your voice has not changed much at all and that surprises me. You have reached that age of change, but you have changed little. Oh yes, you are much taller now, but that is about all, I see my little Angel in you still."

With that said she hugged me tight and kissed me on the cheek. I returned the embrace and kiss. I felt wonderfully happy! I had hurt this woman deeply six long years ago and now it was like we had never been apart. That's how I felt.

Auntie Helen spoke up, "I see you have a few additions, Angel. They are wonderfully crafted and it would take a professional to spot them. Your breast forms are perfectly proportionate and equal and your hip enhancements as well, both match your skin tone perfectly and I can make out no seems at all. Who did this wonderful work?"

I turned a little red as I noticed not only Barbara and Rita were now staring at my anatomy, but the assistant saleswoman that was here was staring as well! She even came closer to get a better look! Helen took this opportunity to introduce us.

"Dolores, I would like you to meet my niece, Angel, her best friend Barbara and her mother Rita. This is Dolores everyone, she is my right hand and one of my closest friends."

We all did the hellos and then they all looked at me. GEEZ!

So I answered Auntie's question, "Mrs. Brown took me to a place called, I believe 'Anne's something or other' near the hospital. I'm sorry I don't remember right now, but I had a bit of a shock when I was there and don't really remember the before or after very well."

Auntie Helen chuckled and said, "I understand Angel, your mother told me about it, but you seem much better now."

I said, "Oh yes, Auntie, I am! I finally made the decision I needed to make. I am what I am and for now and the near future I am Rachel. I am Auntie I am Rachel through and through. Rich is here with me and always will be. We are not separate beings, but one and the same. That is what was causing me so much trouble you see. I was trying to separate myself! That is impossible to do without causing serious problems. I finally realized that fact and now I'm one as Rachel and after this is over I will be one as Richard."

Everybody was smiling and Auntie Helen again gave me a big hug. Dolores was smiling and I bet Auntie had filled her in. If she was a close friend I bet she knew all about it. She must be happy for Helen.

The shopping turned serious then as item after item was brought in and we tried each and every one on! Bra and panty sets, I bet we tried on at least 50 different sets! Barbara was giddy with excitement and so was I! Between Rita and Helen giving nods of approval to several of the sets I knew we were getting at least ten bra and panty sets! Then came garter belts and stockings, pantyhose, thigh-highs, knee-highs and socks! Then it was on to slips, crinolines, camisoles and nightwear. Then on to robes and slippers not to forget the waist-cinchers and a corset each! GEEZ! We were in Heaven!

With Barb and I in a new panty and bra set, with pantyhose and a pair of disposable slippers and a dressing gown we ventured forth into another section. Led by Helen and Rita we were soon in a section with dresses! The same scene took place here as in the lingerie section!

Then we were led to a section with separates. Skirts, blouses and every other combination you could think of! Yupper, same thing once again! You should have seen Barbara! I thought if she didn't calm down soon she would pass right out! Barbara and I saw Rita grab Helen by the arm and start shaking her head in the negative when Helen nodded to Dolores at yet another outfit we were modeling.

Helen smiled and said, "Rita, allow me to have some fun will you? It has been a very long time since I did this and I do not want to let this chance slip me by. Don't worry about a thing, dear, I can afford it easily."

Rita just stared at her open-mouthed for a good second or two and said, "Helen, I just can't believe this! Those clothes cost a fortune and I just don't know how we will ever be able to repay you for them."

Auntie Helen said, "Repay me for what Rita? I am getting my niece and her best friend a few things. I missed six years of birthdays and Christmases! I have to catch up."

She chuckled then and Rita just shook her head in disbelief. Well, on it went from section to section until we were exhausted! We had something from every department and even Barbara was tired out! Oh, she was still excited, but a tired excited. There was no way we could pack everything into Rita's car so Helen had a few things packaged for us to take with us and promised to have the others delivered.

It was time to say goodbye to my Auntie Helen and I just didn't want to! We hung on to each other for a long time in a strong hug. She whispered many promises and so did I.

Auntie Helen said, "Angel, now that we're once again a family you must come visit me, and soon."

She turned to Barbara and Rita, "You two must also come and visit, I'm sure we will have a great time and then we can catch up on everything."

It was a tearful goodbye for me, but I knew I would be seeing Auntie again! We left soon after that, headed for our appointment, happy and all tired out! Barbara, once in the car seemed to have found more energy, and launched into a fast rehash of everything that had happened! Rita and I just looked at each other and started laughing our heads off!

Barbara kept hugging me and even hitting me on the shoulder as she was retelling what we all had been through. The more excited she got, the harder she hit! That is until I hit her back! That did the trick! She stopped hitting me after that. Rita just laughed and laughed when she heard Barbara holler "OUCH!"

It was about ten minutes of driving after we left Helen's that we arrived at our next destination.

Rita said, "Here we are, girls!"

As we pulled into a parking spot close by Sylvia's jewelry shop! Oh my, God! This was just too much! It was too much for me to wait for Barbara and Rita! I ran ahead and entered the shop with Rita and Barbara rushing to catch up. There she was! She was busy with a customer sitting at the viewing table. She looked up and I saw the recognition in her eyes. I know we both had 'that look' close friends get when meeting again after a long separation.

Sylvia, ignoring her customer's surprised reaction, just stood up and rushed over to me. We hugged and hugged and we both had tears in our eyes when we finally separated.

All Sylvia said was, "In my office all three of you, NOW!"

We chuckled and entered Sylvia's office. Sylvia went back to her customer and in only a few seconds returned.

She said, "The shop is closed and now we can relax and catch up."

Rita was looking around the room which had pictures all over the walls. I mean there were hundreds of pictures! From very small ones to a few large ones and it was then I realized some of them were of Angel. Sylvia pointed to one of the larger ones which had me dressed and bejeweled at the Choir finals. I was in mid-song in this picture as the image had captured that expression and the life in my eyes. Yes, I was completely lost in the sound and song which the photographer had captured perfectly.

Sylvia said, "That is our Angel at her best. Her purest form as all her friends will tell you. Here she is caught in mid-song and full of life, actually radiating the sound and one with it. I love that picture the most of all."

Rita said, "She is so tiny! Compared to the others she looks almost like a baby. Rachel, you were absolutely stunning and such a beautiful child!"

OH GEEZ! I said, "That is what they tell me, but really it was only when I sang that I looked like that. Mostly I just looked like a baby and was treated like I was by most people."

Barbara was walking around the room looking at 'my' pictures. She said, "Rachel, in some of these you are in baby clothes. You look so cute!"

Oh shoot! I looked at Sylvia with that "you didn't" look and she started to giggle! Rita looked at the pictures closer and started giggling as well. Then Barbara started laughing and soon we were all laughing!

Sylvia looked at me and said, "Well Angel, are you going to do the introductions or should I just introduce myself?" OOPS!

I did the introductions and they went through the nice to finally meet you routine. Sylvia took out a photo album from a file cabinet. It was a thick one and on the front it read "Our Perfect Little Angel" Oh GEEZ!

They had a lot of fun at my expense when she showed them my baby modeling shots! They really liked the ones that I was bent over showing off the Rumba panties! You could tell I was heavily diapered and those ruffles! GEEZ!

Barbara couldn't get enough! She even wanted copies! I just shook my head 'NO WAY!' That started her pouting, but we all just laughed. Rita got her chance to hear about a few episodes of Angel events as Sylvia just loved telling her story after story!

Now I had remembered some of what had happened and what I had done from back then. It was not until Sylvia began telling Rita and Barbara events from her perspective that other memories began pouring back. Yes, I began to remember times and events in a flood then. It was like I had never really forgotten any of them. I guess I hadn't because here they were alive and well in my mind once more. They were wonderful memories and all I could remember of them was how special each and every day was back then. I just sat back and remembered leaving them to each other and Sylvia telling the tales of Angel.

Oh the memories! The very close friends and special times. The modeling and the singing! The clothes and the jewelry, the modeling shoots and all the special attention I received from almost everyone. The money my mother needed so badly back then, I as a child had earned for her and my little brother and very new baby sister! A sister that was born out of an act of rape and cruel violence against my mother by my father! That act had drawn all of us even closer still!

It was then I remembered what brought it all to an abrupt and disastrous end. I shook off that memory long enough to listen in on Sylvia. She was telling them about my selection as the Princess for the clothes modeling at Helens. I knew that one would take awhile so I went back to my newfound memories. I remembered we had just won the national choir finals and we were having our pictures taken and the press was asking questions. There were a bunch of reporters all asking questions at the same time. They were asking not us children, but the grown-ups. The officials and the choir directors were all there just for this purpose. I wasn't listening to them because I was very excited and so were the other members of the choir. We were all talking excitedly and hugging and kissing each other. That is every second when we weren't posing for pictures.

I learned the next day what had happened and the questions that hurt the most were published in our town paper. They were published in some of the big papers as well, but the nasty story was in our town paper!

I could still feel the hurt and pain as I remembered this event! I could feel the silent tears start to fall as I remembered each painful word. The headline read "Town 'SISSY' Helps Girl's Choir Group Win National title!" Oh did that strike deep! The article that went with the headline was even worse! The reporter had planned this all along because he had done an investigation of me long before the finals. In essence the article outlined all of Angel's activities. The modeling jobs and even how I was 'discovered' as the soloist. Yes, he even put in what I was wearing that day right down to the flowered panties. I remembered as I sat and read the article that spanned from the front page to several sections further inside the paper, how awful I felt with each and every sentence I read.

It was not until I answered the phone several times that I just went up to my room and lay on the bed in tears. I heard cars driving by and people honking their horns hollering out horrible things. I heard them call me a faggot, a girly boy, a sissy and they even threatened me with beatings and rape! They wanted me to give them blow jobs and be there sissy maids! This went on and on until I just went within and made everything go quiet and disappear.

Yes, for months I just stayed within myself, locked inside myself safely hidden from all that was hurting me. I felt I was no longer of any use to those I loved. What could I do for them now? Nothing! I was useless to everybody including me! I could not show my face anywhere or even go to school.

No, I ended up in a child psychiatric ward at a private hospital a long way from my home. Auntie Helen saw to all of it. This lasted for months until I finally opened my eyes and looked around me. My mother was there by my side. I was even too weak to raise my arms and hug her. It was she who took me in her arms and held me close and tight. Now six years later I was finally remembering it all and dealing with it like I should have long ago.

I came aware of my immediate surroundings once again as I felt a hand wiping away my silent tears. I opened my eyes and there was Sylvia smiling, but with a look of concern in her eyes.

I smiled back and said, "Oh, I was just remembering that time I left everyone who cared for me. I'm fine now, it is just with the memory came the pain and hurt. That will never happen again I know. Most of what I remember is full of joy, happiness and much love."

I laughed then which helped immensely and everyone was soon back to telling tales of this time and that event. Sylvia loved the Halloween story! We all laughed and with each memory and moment talked about I was once again reminded how lucky I really am.

It had gotten very late and a police car pulled up outside and a policeman got out and knocked on the door while shining his flashlight at us. His partner had the cars floodlight pointed at the front door as well. Sylvia chuckled and got up and let the officer inside. He knew her well and she explained why she was still at the shop this late. The police left and we noticed how late it really was. So after the promise of getting together again soon at Auntie Helen's, Rita, Barbara and I were headed back home.

Oh GEEZ! Barbara had a large manila envelope in her hands! She was smiling ear to ear and giggling as well! I knew what she had and I didn't like it much! Sylvia had given her some of the pictures! I made her promise never to show them to anyone. I don't think she meant it! I saw her keep her fingers crossed as she promised me and we all know what that means.

 

Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind,
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were.

Can it be that it was all so simple then,
Or has time rewritten every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again,
Tell me? would we? could we?

Memories may be beautiful and yet,
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget.

So it's the laughter
We will remember,
Whenever we remember
The way we were;
The way we were.

  

  

  

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