"Sweet dreams are made of these..." - The Eurhythmics

 

A Life Ever Changing

by Angel

#41  Who Am I to Disagree?

 

Rita and I laughed and giggled all the way into the house...

I helped Rita put away the groceries as Barbara hurriedly put away the unmentionables. Rita smiled at me and said, "Rachel, I have waited for this moment for a very long time. You just don't know how I have ached to take you shopping with Barbara and me for years. The year you came over dressed on Halloween was a dream come true for me and a turning point for Barbara as well. Did you know she was so surprised at your appearance she wanted to have me help her get you in a dress the very next day?"

I looked at Rita with a very surprised expression on my face! I just couldn't believe my girlfriend would want me in a dress! Not back then anyway. So I answered, "Rita, she must have known how uncomfortable I was and that I had only dressed that way because of Terry and not out of any desire on my own part! It turns out that I was tricked by my mother and Aunt Harriet into wearing that outfit. Your guests didn't help me much either!"

Rita chuckled and said, "Honey, you looked beautiful and your outfit fit you very well. The colors and the way you carried yourself were perfect! Most of my guests and even the children thought you were a very beautiful girl. Even after I told several of my friends who you were they would not believe me! They thought I was trying to pull a prank on them and even after they introduced themselves to you and talked with you they still thought you to be a very pretty girl dressed for Halloween. When they all had left and you stayed behind to help me you were even more convincing. You relaxed and were at ease in your costume. You put on that pretty apron I gave you like a pro and you carried yourself as a girl, not as a boy named Rich. Barbara even noticed that you acted more like her and her girlfriends when you were dressed in that costume. I have never seen you so alive and animated as you were that night. That is, once the others had left.

"You have always been quiet, shy and a loner with seemingly no place of your own. You are always doing things for others and as Rich your identity seems to be neutral to passive. When I think of you as Rich it is with the thoughts of service. Rich aims to serve and always puts others first and foremost. As a girl you are more alive and join in with the girls as one of them even without realizing it. It's like a natural part of you to do that."

What could I say to that? How many people are going to tell me these things? How many times have I heard these words in so many different ways? A lot of times! I looked at Rita and said, "But Rita, I have always had a good relationship with girls and I was always dressed in boy's clothes. It is just easier to be with the girls for me because everything is not a contest and they like to share openly without all the crap the boys do."

Rita smiled real big as Barbara walked into the kitchen joining us. "Barbara, dear, remember Halloween night that Rich came over with Terry in costume?"

"Oh boy, do I! At first all I could do was stare at her, I mean him." She turned a little red at saying this. "He was so beautiful and convincing! With just that little bit of make up and that costume he was a very beautiful girl. I remember I wanted to have her both ways, as my boyfriend and as my best girlfriend."

I was shocked! I turned red as a beet as I looked at them both. "You really can't mean that Barb, do you?"

"Oh yes, I do! Don't you remember my girlfriends picking on you? I had to actually pull them away one by one and talk to them before they would leave you alone. Ginny even wanted you to try out for cheerleading, remember?"

Oh shoot! I did remember. She was only teasing me as they all were. They even invited me to the next sleep over they were having. I did not like it one bit, I knew they were just teasing me and having fun at my expense. "I was glad you got them to leave me alone, I wanted to leave, but Terry was having a great time and I did do it for her."

Rita decided to add something here and said, "Honey, some of it was teasing at first, but their invitation for you to join them as a girl was genuine. I know because I talked to them several times after that night. Barbara often has these girls over as you know and they talked about you often and still do."

Oh GEEZ! Barbara jumped in and said, "Rachel, you just don't know how much the girls like you. They love you! When they saw you in that costume and how beautiful you were, they wanted you to join the group as a girl not out of meanness or spite. We wanted you to join our group because you belonged already, in a way and as a girl you would not be so shy and maybe even be more of a person."

What, more of a person? "Barb, what do you mean by 'being more of a person'?"

"Every time we started talking about girl stuff you shut up and drifted away, remember?"

I had to nod at this because I did remember. "I didn't feel right being a boy and talking about that stuff. I thought they would think of me as a sissy or gay or something like that. I had enough of that said about me at school I did not need it at home to."

"You are my boyfriend! Everybody knows that! How could you think we would think you liked boys? Everybody knows you don't like boys at all. Even the ones that talk behind your back know better. That's why they say things behind your back! They know you would pulverize them if they said it to your face."

She chuckled then and I had to agree with her. Nobody said things like that to my face anymore. If they did, somebody else put them up to it and mostly it was new students trying to prove themselves. They did get pulverized each and every time. Mostly all I had to do was grab them and toss them into the lockers or walls. Then again there were a few I did have to fight, mostly new jocks trying to prove themselves to the other jocks.

I was confused again. What did she really mean by me being a real person? I was always me! Wasn't I a real person? To me Rich was and is me! Rachel is a means to become a fuller and more knowledgeable Rich! Rachel would be only the person to help Betty and her children. Rachel would make it easier for Rich to learn and begin in this health care field run by women. The deal was an awesome one as well. To have everything provided and paid for and even my college afterwards! I turned to Rita and held her hands in mine so I would have her full attention for my next question.

"Rita, please explain to me why Rich was not a real person. Please tell me clearly, I have to know."

"Oh Honey, she did not mean it like it sounded. We heard the stories about your past, when you were little and even then you set yourself apart from the other children. Sweetheart, just think for a minute about what I am going to tell you, okay? First, as a boy, you have very few male friends your own age. Those you do have are all beholden to you because you protect them. You know who I am talking about, the handicapped kids at school along with the geeks and the nerds. All those children that are different than the 'in crowd'. But, are they really your good friends? Do they come to your aid or defend you? No, they are still afraid of the others and turn their backs and walk away. You defend them and protect them because you feel it is the right thing to do. As Rich, you do not seek friends at all! It is like you don't need anyone or anything unless it serves some purpose or fulfills someone else's request of you. Rachel, Rich is only happy and outgoing with his family and with us. Even Fred noticed and mentioned to me that he thought you would be much happier as a girl. Rich just does not know any other way. Through Rachel we all believe he will.

"Rachel, just be Rachel now okay? We are about to go shopping together and I know just the place we have to go. Barbara and I have wanted to take you shopping with us for years and now we are going to do just that. Barbara go change and do it fast, we are leaving in ten minutes, so get a move on, girl!"

Barbara took off running upstairs to her room as Rita gave her a playful smack on her butt. "MOTHER!"

Rita and I giggled watching her grab her butt as she ran.

Barbara returned in record time wearing a wrap around skirt like mine, pantyhose and flats with a pullover blouse.

Rita said "LET'S GO SHOPPING!"

We all giggled as Rita locked the front door and we all piled into the front seat of the car.

"Well girls, we are going shopping at a very elegant place that comes highly recommended and not only that, but we have an appointment after that."

Barbara and I asked at the same time "where?" Rita would only smile and had that 'you will see' look.

We drove for at least forty five minutes on the highway and then took an exit that seemed familiar to me. The longer we drove the more familiar things looked. Oh my God! We were headed to Helen's shop! Mrs. Helen Whitmore, the very same women who befriended my mother and me when I was ten and known as Angel and a girl. She was a very talented dressmaker and specialized in matching women and young girl's fancy clothes. Mother-daughter sets she called them. She was very rich and my family stayed with her for some time. She helped us when my mother was raped by my father and even more. I had not seen her for six years, ever since my breakdown. It was her that had made my Soloist costume and had me do some modeling for her. I owed her a great deal for all that she had done for me and my family. I know it hurt her deeply when we had to leave her house and it was my fault!

I was getting very excited and turned to Rita and said "We are going to Helen's shop and I know she will be there waiting for us. Thank you Rita, I really want to see Helen and I know she would want to meet Rachel. The last time I remember being with her I was Angel and then I was nowhere and no one for awhile. I owe her so much!"

Rita looked over at me and smiled. Barbara wanted to meet Helen because of all that she had heard about her. We three were all very happy as we pulled into the parking lot of Helen's shop. The last time I remembered being here I was driven in a limo and ended up being in a modeling shoot. Wow, what a day that was!

We pulled into a parking space we found a few rows back from the entrance. The parking lot was pretty full, but not packed. We all got out and Rita led the way as Barbara and I walked together. We entered the shop and it was a lot different than I remembered from years ago. It now had very elegant and very expensive decor. There was less merchandise on display and more room to walk around with sitting areas with small tables next to the couches and very comfortable chairs.

Yes, the main floor was more of a viewing area than one for browsing. There was even a small runway leading off the dressing rooms for models or customers to display the chosen clothing. A group of women were sitting, some drinking from tea cups as they watched a young girl walk down the runway. The girl was wearing a beautiful dress, white and yellow, lace and satin. She was very happy wearing a huge smile while she twirled in front of the women. All the women were telling her how beautiful she looked and that the dress was perfect for her.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see who it was. There standing so close was Auntie Helen. She opened her arms and I fell into them and we hugged close and tightly. She was smiling and she was shedding silent tears as was I. She took my hand and turned to Rita and Barbara saying, "Let us go to a more private location shall we."

Hand in hand Helen led me with Barbara and Rita following close behind to a private elevator and once we reached the second floor, into a sitting room. Once we were all seated Helen used a phone next to her chair and ordered us up some tea. She looked at me with a smile and a gleam in her eyes which were no longer teary.

"Can I still call you Angel, Rachel?"

"If I can still call you Auntie Helen you can."

She chuckled and said "You had better!"

We both laughed and I made the introductions and Auntie Helen shook both Barbara and Rita's hands saying "I have heard so much about you both and I am pleased to meet you at last."

Rita answered "We have heard just recently about you Mrs. Whitmore and all that you have done for Rachel and her family. We are very happy to meet you as well."

"Please call me Helen, Mrs. Nelson, and Barbara can call me Auntie Helen since she is so close to Angel."

"Call me Rita, Mrs. Nelson makes me sound so old and all my good friends call me Rita."

Helen thanked her as Barbara spoke up, "Auntie Helen, I would love to hear all about Angel. I was only able to learn a little about those days."

Helen laughed and said, "Some other time, Barbara, right now it is I who must catch up. Angel, your mother has kept me informed pretty well through these years. There is just one thing I would like you to tell me and you must be honest and truthful with your answer, ok?"

I answered with a smile and said "You can ask me anything and I have always been truthful and will continue to be, especially with you, Auntie."

She smiled and asked, "Are you prepared to stick this out until the end. What I mean to ask is, are you doing this for you as well as for the others? I know you well, Angel, and you would do things for others even though you did not want to do them yourself."

WOW! She did get right down to it! I sat and thought, gathering my words carefully and answered.

"In the beginning, it was very confusing and I must admit hurtful to me when I was told I was androgynous and even gender neutral which I know now is not true. I am not gender neutral. From the beginning I was very nervous and even suspicious. I knew it was all pre-planned, but I just could not put it all together until later. At first I let them convince me because I saw it was what they thought was best for me and something they felt I must do. Then, I just couldn't take it because I just did not understand. All those I trusted and loved were telling me I was not a real person, that I was for the most part always a girl. My body was more girl than boy and even my manliness was deformed and useless for all its intended purposes. The real shock came to me when it was so easy for them to make me appear as a girl. I knew that it would take more than that to make me appear as a man. That is when I lost it. I no longer knew who I was or even what I was. I went within and almost stayed there."

Helen began to softly cry then, probably she was remembering when Angel had gone within for months locking out the world.

"With Marjorie's help and the others intervention I did snap out of it. I now know that there is no escape that way. It is a foolish and selfish thing to do. It serves no purpose other than to just give up and I can't do that. The last thing I want to do is hurt others and that is what I did. I did this once before as you know and it did more harm than good for everyone involved. Auntie, not only will I stick this out, but I have to! It is for me as well as for the others I do this. Like when I sang as Angel and then became a model for Auntie Sylvia and you. To be very truthful about it, I loved being Angel. I wanted to remain being Angel forever. I was never happier and never did I have so many good friends as then. I miss that dearly. I can only hope as Rachel I can come close to what Angel had going for her. I will become Rich once again and this I am certain about. I only hope and pray I can be accepted as a male as well as I am accepted as a female."

That said I looked around and all three of them were sobbing. GEEZ! As in answer to an unspoken prayer there was a soft knock on the door and when no answer came from us a more insistent and louder knocking. Helen, Rita and Barbara seemed to gather themselves at the same time as Helen got up and opened the door. A young lady came in wheeling a tray containing our teas and a platter of pastries. Helen thanked her and she left closing the door behind her.

Helen served and offered the pastries and we sat drank and munched. She said, "After our tea we will go back downstairs and get you young ladies a few things."

I chuckled hearing that and Barbara looked at me with that look, that 'why are you chuckling' look.

I said "The last time I heard Auntie Helen say that, I ended up being the 'princess model' and there was no end to the outfits." I really laughed then as did Helen.

We were finally finished with our tea and pastries as Helen dialed the phone once again.

Oh memories, we relive them each and every day. If only we were more aware!

  

  

  

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