"Memory - all alone in the moonlight.
I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then.
I remember the time I knew what happiness was.
Let the memory live again." -- Andrew Lloyd Weber/"Cats"

  

A Life Ever Changing

by Angel

#38 What Happiness Was

  

Once again we were on our way back to Auntie Helen's house. I curled up on the seat and laid my head on Auntie Helen's lap and closed my eyes. A short while later they must have thought I was sleeping because they started talking and I knew the topic was not meant for me to hear! They were saying...

Helen said, "I just don't understand why her ex-husband raped her like that. He is a louse and vermin in my book. There was no reason for what he did. Men are far too strong without the heart to go along with their strength."

Harriet answered, "When Julia told him off for cheating on her and through him out of the house he was violent then as well. He slapped her every time she tried to answer his outbursts. He told her that it was a husband's right and a wife's duty to make love whenever he wished it. HA! Make love indeed! All he wanted was to get his satisfaction. Julia never received any pleasure from him after the first year they were married. He just didn't care; according to him she was his property! Julia is praying she does not become pregnant with two little ones now, and no support from Bill, it will be real hard if she was to have another baby to take care of."

Helen said, "They have a place with me as long as they want. She deserves better than what life has dealt her. This little one asleep in my lap has so much promise. I believe the money problems are the least of Julia's worries right now. This little one does not know it yet, but as a girl Ricky will have a much better life. As Angel she has made several thousand dollars already and she will make much more in the near future. No, Julia must concentrate on healing and if she is pregnant she will have to concentrate even harder on being a mother for three. I just hope she can accept a child made out of such a violent and selfish act as rape. That will be her biggest challenge."

This type of conversation went on and on between the two of them and by listening closely I finally understood what rape meant. Such an evil thing to do to someone! What was meant to be done out of love and mutual giving was turned into a selfish and hurtful act! To force someone to submit to this by beating them into it was the most evil act of all! I never wanted to grow up to be a man like him! Maybe I could stay a girl and then grow up to be a woman. Girls and women seem to have much more fun and really care about each other! That is what I will do! I will stay a girl for my mommy and Aunties! That way I can make mommy lots of money and she won't have to work anymore and stay home with us! I sat up then startling both my Aunties as I told them my decision.

PRESENT TIME

"MY GOD!" I said aloud, "What the hell? I was a girl back then and even wanted to be one! Why didn't I remember all this before now?"

Marjorie said, "Because you had a breakdown, Rachel, a severe mental breakdown shortly after all that had happened. Honey some things happened in quick succession that caused you to hide within yourself and for a long time. Helen and all the other women and girls you knew and were your good friends felt very guilty about it. They believed it was their fault and many just stayed away out of that guilt. Helen kept her promise but her house was not a happy one and your mother moved out and away from all the hurt and memories. We won't go into all that now but I want you to know that this was a very important step for you to take. One thing though, you did sing and you did model for about six months before it began to all unravel and become too much for you. You were perfect in both singing and modeling. You were very popular and it was that popularity that triggered all the problems that were to come too quickly for you to handle."

Grace said, "My Lord, Rachel, I had no idea and I am so sorry for pushing you so hard. Your mother and Aunt never told me about this part of your life, only that you were headed for severe anguish in your present state. They told me most of what happened in your early teens and up to the present time."

She looked at Marjorie and said, "Why didn't you tell me, Marge?"

"I didn't tell you because I know you too well, Grace. I told Julia and Harriet not to tell you as well. You see Rachel had to do this on her own. As Ricky she would never have remembered and was headed for severe trauma in the near future when she did and refused to deal with it. Ricky would have gone within again and this time, maybe never have come back."

"Rachel, as Ricky you are headed for big trouble very soon. You have lived much of your life as a boy secluded and have protected yourself by caring for your home, siblings and your mother. You have only gone out in your neighborhood doing mostly lawn and garden work and that stopped when you began to be confronted by other boys your age. That is why you were looking for a job nearby. You could go to work and come back straight home without much chance for confrontation. You can't hide anymore Rachel! As Rachel you don't have to hide and you can begin to live your life outside of your neighborhood. When you learn how to interact with others and truly be yourself then Ricky will have a real foundation to build on and grow from. As more of your memories come back to you, you can deal with them instead of hiding and running away within as you do. One wonderful thing I do know is that your girlfriend Barbara and her parents both love you very much and will support you as Rachel. Barbara needs you and you need her. She loves you and wants to be with you. Rachel, she knows more than you think and so do her parents. Let's clean you up and fix your face so we can all go downstairs and you can begin to live your life and experience more than you have ever let yourself before, ok?"

I nodded and said, "Ok, I think I understand a lot more now. I can see that you have been telling me the truth and I know more memories are going to surface and I have to deal with them as they come. I know Barbara and the Nelsons love me, but I was unsure as to how much. I know now by what you have said that I haven't given them much credit for knowing more than I wanted or realized how much they knew about me. The funny thing is that what I remember the most right now is how much Angel had wanted to become a girl! I really hated being a boy back then because of all the hurt and pain being a boy brought me everyday. I think I am going to really enjoy being a girl once again. I will be able to sing and be myself or at least the bigger part of myself without hiding. So, let's get me ready for my entrance shall we?"

We all got up and I sat at the vanity as Grace and Marge as she had me now call her removed my old smeared and very messed up makeup. All three of us redid my face and hair and we were now ready to rejoin the others downstairs.

I was reborn! I felt wonderful and happy again. I had not felt this good in a long time. I was ready! As we descended the stairs I was smiling and when I saw Barbara I ran to her and hugged her. We kissed deeply and lovingly as we broke our embrace I looked around to see all the others smiling and happy as well. Marge was telling them everything was fine and I was truly ready for this adventure.

We girls all gathered in the kitchen as Harriet brewed tea and coffee. Barbara was sitting on my lap and she was very happy (Even though my crotch sure hurt!). After the coffee and tea was poured we began by planning our next steps. I was to train in earnest with Grace and Harriet for the next week. Then I would go to Betty's and begin learning my job with her two girls and Grace would be there to help me in the beginning. Off and on Grace would send one of the nurses or aides from her facility to join me. This would be so I could get to know my future coworkers and learn to work with others as partners and as a team. I would be home schooled until I graduated. It would be then I would decide to go as Rachel or Rich. Either decision would be up to me and with the full support of all involved which meant all those present as well as Betty and a few more people I was not yet aware of.

Shopping and more shopping were planned. This made Barbara and Mrs. Nelson excited as well because they secretly had wanted to take me shopping for some girl's clothes for a long time. We laughed and giggled when Mrs. Nelson let that one be known. My mother was happier than I had seen her be in a very long time. Harriet was beside herself she was so happy and excited!

Now my mother and Harriet began to fill me in on how many people knew about me and wanted to help or at least understood. Of course there were Mr. and Mrs. Nelson along with Barbara, Marge and three of her nurses that worked for her and even more at the hospital! Wow, I was surprised so many people knew and wanted to help me! Barbara told me that several of her girlfriends I knew from her house had felt I should at least try being a girl for awhile and she knew they would love to meet and know Rachel. She said, "You know, Honey, they have already met and they already know Rachel, you just were never dressed the right way and acted a little too much of a Tomboy."

Grace said, "Rachel, no one really knows anything about this at my facility. My assistant director and good friend I can bet has her suspicions after meeting you. I also know that several of the nurses and aides thought you to be a girl dressed as a boy. I will make it a point to find out what the employees think and we will go from there, ok?"

I said, "They really thought I was a girl dressed as a boy? GEEZ, I thought my height and physique alone would be enough! I guess I was wrong as usual, one thing is certain though, dressed like this no one will think I'm a boy dressed as a girl. GEEZ, even when I am dressed as a boy most people think I am a girl!"

We talked and talked bringing up the past and the future. One thing that was very important to me was that I get to sing! This would present a few problems I knew, and I am sure some of them knew as well. I would have to be careful as to where and when I did sing in public or as part of a choir. Some people who would recognize my voice could cause some serious problems. I still did not remember the catastrophic events that had happened in the past that had caused me to have a breakdown. I did know that it had to do with being exposed as a boy and probably the reactions and actions of people towards me and my family because of it. I was in no hurry to have this repeated once again. I would have to tread softly and carefully in what I did and how I exposed myself in the future. I just hoped the others saw this danger as well.

I spoke up then and said, "Listen everybody, this is very important! Some of you can remember what had happened 6 years ago and how hard that was on everyone. I don't remember it yet but I know I will soon enough. We must be very careful that this doesn't happen again in the degree that it did back then. I would really love to be able to sing again but I am afraid that if I do, too many people might recognize who I am."

My mother spoke up and said, "Honey, none of us ever want you to be hurt again especially to the degree of what happened years ago. One important thing about back then though was your reaction to the situations and not as much how others reacted toward you or our family and friends after the truth was widely known. You were known as Angel back then. This name was given to you and fit you very well. Words can hurt deeply Rachel, but you were the one that ran away and hid deep within yourself. Many of the problems we had stemmed from your reaction and not the actions of the others who just refused to understand.

"You see, Darling, you were very young and wanted so much to be a girl and help me by singing and modeling. You were so happy then and when the newspaper exposed you as a boy and all the phone calls started you did the one thing we never thought you would do. You shut us all out and decided on your own that you could not help anyone anymore. That is what the real problem was, Honey. Your reaction that you could no longer help so you were now useless to everyone you loved. It wasn't true, but it was too late for us to do anything about it. You had shut down.

"The last words you said were 'I can't help anyone anymore.' We tried to get you to listen to us. Everybody tried several times but it was too late. You went into that place of yours so deeply we could not reach you. The others all felt guilty and blamed themselves for your condition and they slowly drifted away. Helen was the last to do this. She fought for you so hard and wanted us to stay with her until you were better again. The doctors said that this was a bad idea. When you woke up again they thought you would relapse if you were to be returned to Helen's house. That is why we moved away. She still stays in touch with me but forbade me from telling you. She is still on your side Rachel and she loves you very much. When you feel up to it I think it would be a wonderful thing to go and visit her. What do you think about that?"

MY GOD! I was the one who caused so much distress and grief! Not me being exposed as a boy but my reaction to that exposure! My reaction! I remembered then an important teaching I had not understood until this very moment. God's greatest gift to us is our free will! The right to make our own choices to freely choose what we will do with the gifts God has given each of us. What we choose to do with these gifts is up to us as individuals and human beings.

My being able to go within and use that gift to bring out joy in words and voice was God's gift to me. It was an answer to a prayer and I had made a wrong choice and used this gift badly. I had turned a gift of giving into a tool for my own selfish desire to hide from the world. I had turned a gift of love into something I used to hurt others with! I had caused so much pain and sorrow to others unknowingly in my selfish desire to be safe within. God does not make useless things! Everything God has made and will make has its own purpose. Only God really knows what that purpose is! My purpose is to freely share these gifts with others not hide away and protect myself from further hurt and pain.

This understanding put many things together that were like a jigsaw puzzle seconds before. My being androgynous is a gift, not a curse! It has a purpose which God knows well but I do not. I will use this gift as such from now on! I will use it to help others and stop thinking of myself as a poor, suffering boy stuck looking like a girl! I will not be as stupid as others and leave everything for God to decide for me! What a lame way to blame any unwanted outcome on God and not ourselves!

I answered my mother then, "I would love to visit Helen and I will visit her as Rachel. I would like to spend the whole day with her if I could. She helped us a lot and I now understand how much I must have hurt her by what I did. You know, I think I will be doing a lot of re-visiting. I should visit all of our old friends and let them know I don't blame them at all for what happened. I think that is the least I could do, and at least then I could mend some broken fences."

Well, the atmosphere in the room lightened considerably and I convinced Barbara that sitting on my lap was a bad idea for now. Oh boy, did my woman made cunny hurt right then!

Marge had seen my expression and took my hand and said, "I think we need to look at something and maybe you could use a few pills and a shot now. I have an anti-inflammatory and something to relieve the pain. Let me look you over first. Grace, could you get a towel and some ice, please?"

Barbara jumped up and said, "I will get it and I want to be the one to help, ok?"

Marge and Grace chuckled as they both nodded and Barbara asked Harriet for a towel as she went into the kitchen to get some ice from the freezer.

I looked at the fast moving Barbara and laughed. I said, "Well, she is in for a surprise!" Everybody chuckled then as Marge led me by the hand back upstairs to my room.

  

  

  

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