"I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky..." -- Carole King

  

A Life Ever Changing

by Angel

#23 Tumbling Down

  

What? What is that? I hear a faint sound so far away outside somewhere. What? What is that? A feeling outside stinging and sharp! What? What? Sleep, I am so tired. I feel adrift in space. It is getting darker. Where is the light I seek? I had seen it only moments ago! Darker, darker, blackness and sleep...

Deep, deep sleep, dreamless and dark, no comfort nor nightmare! Just deep, deep sleep mindless and numb, all sensations blocked. How long was I in this Limbo? No answers came to my awakening mind. Slowly awareness came to me.

First I felt with my body keeping my eyes as they were, closed as if in sleep. I was lying on a bed, my head upon a pillow. I was not wearing my clothes I was sure of that. Covered by a sheet I felt it touching my shoulders, arms, waist and legs. I felt nothing touching my chest! What? Oh, I must still have the breast forms attached, glued on and secure.

I heard a sound, breathing slow and rhythmic next to me. I concentrated harder and located the sound next to the bed on my right. Who ever it was is sleeping, the rhythm of breath was soothing to hear, peaceful a sound of restfulness and life. Another sound, a soft ticking added its beat and rhythm to my awareness.

I concentrated even harder and heard muffled voices far off somewhere. Harder and harder I concentrated! I put all my energies in listening and feeling my eyes closed helping me concentrate. I heard weeping and consoling sounds, not words but the sounds. I felt distress and comforting energies coming from outside where ever I was.

Where am I? Oh, I must be in where it happened! Yes, the mirror and my eyes! I must get back there! I MUST! I was at peace, lost within my eyes and looking through the mirror. Nothing could touch me or hurt me there. But wait, I was touched and I was hurt. No my eyes and the mirror were a temporary respite at best. What must I do? Oh, LORD! What are you asking of me now? You answered my prayer and I was plunged into a new world. A new life, a new existence! Is that it a new life and existence? Must I forget who I was, who I am? How can I forget something I wasn't? I don't know who I am or even who I was! Is that what you are telling me? Ok LORD! I will do as you ask. For it is written, to love the Lord with your whole mind, body and soul will bring you peace and everlasting life.

HAH! So much is written and misinterpreted! Is that not why we have thousands of religions and divisions of religions! From the ridiculous Fundamentalists to the idiotic Universalist's! Who is qualified to interpret our Lord's Word? To say to us that this is what our Lord meant when we read this or that from the Bible! Which Bible does one use? Which version? No, I will stick to prayer and trust what feels right.

I opened my eyes slowly little by little until I could see clearly enough. Barbara was spread out uncomfortably in a chair asleep. A bedside lamps soft glow lit up just enough of the room for me to see her clearly. Long lines of dried tears traced paths down her cheeks and chin. She looked so beautiful sleeping with her chest rising and falling in a steady peaceful rhythm. Her head moving slightly lifted by her chin resting on her chest with each breath she took. It was decided by a sudden urge to pee that I finally rose from the bed. Quietly, slowly and softly I slid out of bed and silently made my way to the bathroom. The door to my bedroom was ajar and the hall light slightly brighter than the bedside light showed me the way was clear. I opened the door just enough to slip through and thankfully no noise caused by my opening it.

The sounds were clearer now as I stood in the hallway for but a second or two listening. Voices and crying mingled with the sounds and smells of someone cooking. I walked the rest of the way and realized I was naked. Just a sanitary belt and pad is all I had on. Reality came flooding back as I sat to pee. No pain this time, just a pressure and relief as my bladder began to empty. THE NOISE IT MADE, deafening in the quietness of the upstairs. WHOOSH and SPLASH! Relief and wetness, I remembered then the lessons from Mrs. Meier's. The anatomy of a female, made peeing a very wet affair! I used more tissue and remembered I had to do a cleansing.

I looked around and yes, there it was the kit I needed and the supplies were where? I looked in the under sink cabinet and that is where I found the sterile water and other items I needed. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why did I flush the toilet? I heard running footfalls coming up the stairs. I heard Barb, She was hollering, "Rachel! Rachel isn't here!" Oh SHIT!

In a nanosecond Grace, My mom, Harriet and Dr. Purnell were looking at me intently as I stood there with just a sanitary belt with its now two straps swinging emptily without a pad to secure them!

I said "I was just starting to prepare to cleanse myself! GEEZ!"

Barb came in just a second later panic written all over her face. Dr. Purnell took over right then! She removed the items one by one handing some to each of the others. I just stood there expressionless looking at her. She unsnapped the sanitary belt and removed that from me as well.

She looked at Barbara and said, "Please bring her to the bedroom" as Dr. Purnell left with the others.

It was then I noticed that Dr. Purnell had her bag with her. She had set it on the sink counter top, which I had not noticed when she first came in. I just stood there naked and motionless, expressionless as Barbara looked at me from head to toe. I studied her then, I watched very closely for any sign, any sign at all that might give me a clue as to what was left if anything of our relationship. Silent tears fell from her eyes, tracing the already marked path of many previous tears shed earlier. Were these tears for me? Or, were these tears for something lost which would never be found again? I read guilt and sorrow in her face and eyes. She took my hands in hers very gently like I was made of fragile glass, patiently leading me back to the bedroom. I just kept looking at her, trying to find a clue any clue as to where we stood in our relationship. What a fool I am! What relationship! Look at me! My sex hidden well for all appearances a penis never existed there at all! I was a teenage girl! No boy, in evidence, nothing male remained to be seen. ALL FEMALE!

We were entering the bedroom now and I saw a change in Barbara. Relief and hope were written on her face and features now. I only looked at Barbara I could not and did not want to see anything else right then. All of my awareness and concentration was on her. She let go of my hands and backed away from me.

Someone hugged me and I saw it was my mother. I looked at her and she was a mess! I had never seen her look like this before! She was a living painting of agony and pain. Inner turmoil and distress etched deeply in her face and eyes. I started to cry, I caused her this pain and agony! It was I that caused all of this! I looked up at everyone; one by one I looked at them and their faces. I looked in their eyes and felt responsible for their agony and pain. Wait! Grace and Dr. Purnell showed no guilt, no agony or pain! They were impatient and knew something the others did not. What?

What did they know that the others failed to see or recognize? They looked confident and sure of what was to come and what had to be done. I wondered what was next. I reacted then. I put my arms around my mother and squeezed gently, lovingly hoping she would forgive me for failing so miserably. She looked up at me and smiled. Her sobs quieted and the tears turned from sorrowful ones to happy ones. I could tell by the smile on her face and the twinkling in her eyes.

Barbara jumped in the air punching at nothing with her fists hollering out, "YES!"

What? Yes what? She was happy and excited, about what?

Harriet said, "I have to call your house, Julia, and tell Rita."

What? Oh, Rita wasn't here. The little ones! I had forgotten all about Terry and Jerry! How the hell could I have done that! They are my life! What is going on with me? I started to laugh then. I mean really laugh, I laughed so hard I started to really cry and cry hard. Grace came over and my mom let go of me. Grace pulled me to the bed and sat me down. Dr. Purnell came over and slapped me hard across my face! OUCH! That hurt! There was a stunned silence in the room.

Grace said, "That's much better, Rachel, lie down now and just relax."

Grace was forever telling me to relax! I did as she said and everybody let at a huge very audible sigh. Most of the tension just vanished like everyone was waiting for some kind of response from me and I had given them what they had hoped for.

I lay on the bed and smiled. I liked the feeling in the room even though my left cheek stung like hell! Dr. Purnell can hit! I decided to take things as they came then. Not trying to answer any questions because I knew I would disappear within again if I tried.

Grace told me to lift my fanny a little and tucked a rubber pad under me adding a few diapers. She said, "Okay, Marjorie, she's ready for you."

Dr. Purnell thanked her and she pulled a chair over next to the bed and I noticed her hands were gloved. She examined me thoroughly and expertly touching and probing, squeezing and rubbing. She then irrigated, cleansed and dried the area. She took a tube of something and changed her gloves.

Grace squeezed a generous amount onto her fingertips and gently Marjorie massaged this all over the area and then to my surprise inside as well! She didn't stop! She kept moving a finger inside the folds in a circular motion. Oooooooohhhhh, Aaaaaaahhhhhh, uuuuuuuunnnnnnngggggghhhhhh, OH LORDY!

I started to move my hips and I tried to straighten my legs but Grace grabbed them at the ankles and held them fast. I heard her ask Barbara to hold one of my ankles tightly and to hold my foot flat against the bed. OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!

Marjorie just kept at it moving her finger back and forth then around and around. I tried to lift my fanny off of the bed, but she held me down by pressing on my pubic bone with her other hand! OH MY GOD!

I reached out and tried to grab her hand and my mother grabbed my wrists and held them tight against her breasts. OH LORDY! OH MY! "PLEASE STOP" I yelled and begged, but Dr. Purnell kept at it and not soon enough I reached the point of release. I spasmed and spasmed again! I felt something hot, wet and thick shoot out and spread from within!

Still she did not stop! The sensations were overwhelming! My sensitivity there was intense to say the least! I spasmed again and again until I just let out a huge breath and slumped back into the bed spent.

Dr. Purnell said, "No erection and no bleeding. Tomorrow we remove the sutures holding the testicles in. There is no longer a need for them. The scrotum reacted as expected it tightened sufficiently and the testes remained inside the canal. No hernia and no pain."

Grace was writing this down and Dr. Purnell changed her gloves again and irrigated the area and did the cleansing and drying as well. OH MY GOODNESS!

I looked at Barbara and she was giggling with my mother!

Harriet was standing in the doorway and said, "WOW, Marjorie, now I know why you get the big bucks!"

Marjorie laughed and then they all were laughing!

I was still stunned but feeling real good! I could feel my nipples under the breast forms tingling. I was covered in sweat and I was exhausted. I felt puffy down there, but everything was okay and not hurting anymore. I could feel my scrotum, no wait, my labia now, relaxing a little. Hot, it felt very hot and still twitched a little. Did she say no erection? What? How come? How can you have a climax like that and have no erection? Impossible I thought, but yet it happened!

Dr. Purnell then asked everybody but Grace to leave the room so she could have a little chat with me.

My mom said, "Our late night snack could be cold by now." I wondered what they had made.

Grace was holding a baby doll nightgown, sheer white with matching panties with a wide section of lace at the leg and waist openings. She helped me put it on and it felt nice. The panties felt good to but the lace edgings on the legs tickled a little. She then helped me put on the matching robe and had me sit on the comfortable stuffed chair.

They each took a seat on the bed and Dr. Purnell asked me to call her Marjorie from now on. I said I would and thanked her for all her help. She chuckled as did Grace.

It was then she turned very serious and said, "Rachel, you have to stop withdrawing inside of yourself. No answers are going to come to you from that place you disappear to. All you are doing is running away from reality and any hope of getting the answers you seek. You are much to smart for that and you know I am right."

I nodded and said, "It was a very safe place for me to go at the time."

She said, "No, it wasn't! It is a very dangerous place for you to go! When you withdraw like that it is a sign of great weakness and some people never make it back. You are a very strong person Rachel and you know better. Don't ever lie to yourself again! Face things; seek help and answers to your problems and questions from people you trust."

I nodded again and said, "Thank you, Marjorie, I know what you are saying you believe to be true, but it is a very hard thing for me to seek answers to questions I don't know how to put into words." She smiled and patted me on my leg.

Grace said, "Rachel, you are surrounded by people who love you and care for you deeply. You have to trust us more than you are and you have to trust us enough to ask us anything. We know many of the questions you have to ask, so when you don't know how to ask or what to say, just give us a hint or as much as you can and we will take it from there okay?"

I said okay and Marjorie then continued talking to me by asking, "What did you think of what just happened a little earlier." My face must have answered her question because they both smiled and chuckled knowingly.

This opened me to ask questions of the physical world and human realities. There was one thing I also knew. Marjorie believed that going within was something wrong to do. I knew better. I had not told anyone about all the times I have been going within and what one gets back from going there. You can go too far as I had done, but when one goes there seeking with a singular purpose, more times than not one gets a reason for that purpose. The why if one is ready, is almost always given to one, the place within is too powerful for one to just travel to without a purpose. When one goes there as I had done with much too much on the mind you will easily get lost!

There are 100 levels of known conscious states before death occurs. Ask any Anesthesiologist! Who knows how many more will be discovered as time marches on. That is 100 known roads to get lost in! Only 40 levels are well known. It is like deep diving in an unexplored sea. Go too far too fast and you miss many wondrous things. You must dive with a purpose and a singular goal, but remain open to the unexpected for it always comes. The unexpected is a revelation of something you usually asked yet were not yet ready to really understand the answer. The time finally comes when you are ready, but you have forgotten the question asked so long ago.

REVELATION is what happens when you go within, but you must remain open to what you hear! You will suddenly find you understand something you experienced long ago. You always get something given to you! Sometimes you are looking or asking about something else and miss it at the time. Later, it comes to you in a revelation of some kind. No, going within is not bad to do. The bad part is going within when you should not, like I had done. I used it as an excuse to get lost and withdraw! That road leads to madness of the human mind and body to all those who are outside looking at you. But inside is a different story! If you so choose you can of your own free will go within and remain. But if you choose to do this, you will surely be lost to the physical world. That is unless someone intervenes.

I was ready now to pose my question so I said to Marjorie, "While describing your examination to Grace and the others you mentioned no erection. I know from my own experiences that whenever I achieved release through masturbation I always had an erection. How could I reach this same point without one?"

Marjorie looked at me like I surprised her. Her expression was one that someone shows when asked a question they did not expect.

She took a moment and said, "Rachel, in the shot I gave you it had a mixture of drugs in it. One of them prevents an erection from taking place by slowing the flow of blood to the penis. When a penis swells and hardens to an erect state it is actually engorged with more blood flowing in than flowing out. Preventing an erection does not stop the sensations or the ability to reach a climatic state. An orgasm in a male takes longer and is much stronger when stimulated in this particular way. The male can even have quick multiple orgasms as you did. A female's clitoris acts in the same way. The clitoris engorges with blood but the difference is that the whole area of the clitoris has many, many nerve endings. That is why when stimulated the clitoris itself will emerge from under the protective hood. Leaving the clitoris free to feel all the stimulation it can receive. The exposed area of your penis now acts the same way Rachel. Only the tip will receive stimulation and the shaft remains untouched so your sensations increase."

Wow, what an answer! So I said, "Marjorie, what you are saying is you have made a clitoris out of my penis?"

She answered, "A temporary one, Rachel, and it is still not as sensitive as an actual clitoris. To do that we would have to do microsurgery and you would never be able to go back to being a male. There is nowhere in the United States at this time that does this procedure legally. Plus, it would cost many thousands of dollars. No, those who have had this surgery do so overseas. Rachel, why did you ask that question?"

I answered, "Well, the sensations were many times more intense than I have ever felt before. Of course I have never actually had intercourse with anyone, but I still don't think I would have felt the intensity as strong as that if I had. I have another question for you both."

Grace snapped to a more aware position and looked straight at me when I said that.

I asked them, "Why have all of you decided to have me become a teenaged girl? What was the reason or reasoning's all of you came up with that helped you decide this course of treatment for me?"

Marjorie told Grace to answer first so she said, "Rachel, your mother and Harriet came to me with a problem and that problem was with you. They told me many things about you that at first I just couldn't believe. No boy I have ever met at any age lived there life and had made decisions as you had. First you decided very early on that you did not like being with boys. To you they were immature, selfish and much too violent. They just did not care about things like you did. Secondly, you always seemed to make friends easily with the mothers first and then their daughters through them. Thirdly, when you were with a group of your peers they were always girls. Shall I go on?"

I said, "Yes! Please I need to know!"

She continued, "Rachel, when you were with the girls you also took on there mannerisms, speech patterns and inflections. You giggled instead of laughed and the topics you discussed were hardly one would call interesting to any other boy. I have a nurse I hired that you used to do work for and she even recommended you to me before Harriet gave me a call about you. That was one of the reasons I decided to meet with your mother and her about you. That was the second time I had heard your name mentioned and I was very curious about you myself. Do you remember a Mrs. Russell and her daughter Brenda?"

Did I remember! I had pushed that memory way back into the deepest recesses of my mind! I nodded and my face must have shown something like alarm because Grace then said, "Why are you upset? It was your decision and according to Mrs. Russell you were a fantastic help and she only had praises for you. Her daughter works for me now and she only had great things to say about you as well! You helped them both and especially Brenda. I have only heard their side of several stories so I want to ask you Rachel for your versions?"

I said, "You will have to give me a few minutes to remember it all and correctly. I have purposely forgotten those episodes and I want to remember them correctly okay?"

She nodded and Marjorie looked like she was on the edge of her seat in anticipation of what I was going to reveal.

I started to hum a song, I was trying to remember--the song was a key to my memories with the Russell's. You see Mrs. Russell was in charge of the girl's choir at her church. Her daughter Brenda was also in that choir. I won't tell you the denomination of their religion; needless to say the girl's choir is a huge part of their services.

Oh yes! I remember the first one now! The song that started it all! I started to sing then the song is "HERE I AM." It was a beautiful song and the chorus was really written for girls to sing. The notes had a range that flowed like an ocean tide. I remember the first incident with the Russell's very well now. I finished singing and looked at Grace and Marjorie they both were looking at me with surprise written all over their faces.

I said, "What?" I thought something might be wrong.

Marjorie said, "That was beautiful! I have never heard you sing before, your range is amazing and you can hold a note longer than any soloist I have ever heard at my church or any other I have been to."

Grace added, "I have heard you sing just once and when you saw us you stopped. I asked you to not stop but you acted like you didn't hear me and did not continue. I had no idea! You sing beautifully. Why aren't you in a choir now?"

I answered, "Because of my experiences with the Russell's. If I were to sing people might just put two and two together and know who I really was."

Marjorie said, "Ok, enough of this I have to hear what you did with the Russell's!"...

Memories, here I begin to relate what happened to me at a younger age. Memories we bury deep inside of us will pop into our heads in vivid detail when something happens to reawaken them. The door to those all important events that have been locked away for years suddenly opens and a new awareness seeps into us.

Angel

  

  

  

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