"...my old friend, I've come to talk with you again." - Simon and Garfunkel

  

A Life Ever Changing

by Angel

#22 - Hello, Darkness

  

Just then the doorbell rang!...

Everyone sprang into action. Here I am naked from the waist with only an ice bag and an empty sanitary belt as cover! Some cover!

Aunt Harriet went to answer the door as I got up and went into the bathroom closing the door behind me. My pulse pounding and increasing by the second! Grace ran upstairs to get me another sanitary pad and my mother ran to get me a fresh clean pair of panties.

I could hear Barbara asking where I was and Harriet stalling her and Rita. I heard a slight tapping on the bathroom door and Grace opened it and came in helping me with the pad. My mom entered a short while later with a pair of light yellow nylon panties another half-slip, my yellow skirt a pair of sheer pantyhose and a pair of white heels! OH FRAPST! She also had my purse with her and after they helped me into everything she touched up my make-up with my lipstick being freshened and my hair brushed out and left loose I was ready to meet Barbara.

I wasn't ready! Physically I was ready but mentally? No! I was not ready for this meeting! But here I was exiting the bathroom and slowly heading upstairs for a meeting I felt never should happen!

My mother by my side and Grace following behind us closely, I felt they knew the situation was tense at best. I had the feeling they were there for me and if anything went wrong they would still be there for me. That thought made me feel a little better.

I had pushed this meeting out of my mind losing my anxiousness in the questions and exchanges we had just after the phone call. My relationship with Barbara was about to change forever it would never be the same after this encounter. That is how I saw this meeting as an encounter!

I was about to enter the kitchen and I almost fell. My legs were week and I was dizzy and felt sick in my stomach. My mom and Grace held me tight and sat me in a chair looking closely in my eyes. Mother grabbed and held my hands squeezing them until I looked at her. (I had to do this! There was no way out of it so just get on with it!)

Mother said, "Honey, can you do this? If not we will work something out."

I answered her, "Mother, I have to do this and do it right." I willed myself to composure and with a now real determination I stood and walked into the living room. I was Rachel and that is whom Barbara came to meet. Not a boy named Rich, in a dress looking cute and being an imposter! I let myself be who I was at the moment, Rachel. That is when I saw her and she was looking at me.

Barbara wasn't just looking, she was frozen in place and her features showed utter surprise. Her eyes grew larger and wider open, questioning what she was seeing. I smiled and opened my arms to her. This was the moment. This would tell my fate.

She slowly stood and then ran into my arms hugging me, squeezing me tightly crying and smiling all at once! We hugged for what seemed to last an eternity crying and squeezing each other declaring our bond. My mother and Rita broke us apart gently saying, "Let us all sit down."

We did Barbara and I on the couch the Rita, my mother and Grace sat in the chairs. Harriet was making drinks and I hoped she was making one for Barbara and me as well. Barbara said, "Rachel? Yes, it fits you. I knew you would be cute, but look at you! You're beautiful!"

I said to her, "Barb, please! Cute, I can agree with but please don't lie to me. Beautiful I am not! I can do this and I believe I can do this well because this is part of me. I am Rachel and I am Rich. I am both together, what I appear to be on the outside changes nothing of what I am on the inside. I know this, just as I know the sun will rise in the morning.

"I do not know Rachel well and that is what I am doing now letting Rachel free to express her-self and to help others by being her. Eventually Rich and Rachel will be one with an equal knowledge of each other. Rich will be what people see. Will that change what I am inside? No. Look into my eyes Barbara and you will see the true me as I see the true you in yours.

"I lack the experiences and I lack the knowing of what life as a female is. I have my limitations that my physical being will cause, but what I can't physically experience as a female I can know and try to understand. If you can accept me as I am now as Rachel and as a girlfriend and not as a boyfriend you can help me understand. I need your help, Barb! I need you! Rich will return physically soon enough, but until then Rachel is whom you will be seeing."

She grabbed onto me and hugged me, crying hard. After a few minutes she looked up and into my eyes looking deep within them. She calmed and said, "Rachel, no, Rich, I have to tell you this and I don't want to hurt you, but I have to make you realize what you have been ignoring for a long time. Everyone else knows, but you have always been oblivious to how others perceive you. You just don't care about what they say or think about you! All you have ever cared about was what they thought and how they treated others, never yourself! You have made me so mad sometimes I wanted to smack you!"

Harriet handed each of us a loaded soda pop. MMM! We each had a few sips and Barb continued, "At first the boys at school just thought you were a geek and a loner. Most of the girls liked you and still do because of the way you talk to them and treat them like I don't know how to say this!" She was worried and frustrated. It showed in her face and body language.

Mrs. Nelson butted in and helped her by saying, "You treat them as equals and whenever you are with them you are just like they are. You are one of them."

Barb smiled at her mother in thanks and continued, "That's it! You were and are one of us in your actions, speech and even mannerisms. Rich, haven't you ever stopped just once and looked at yourself? Haven't you ever just once realized your actions and mannerisms when you were with just us girls? No, you never have! Well, stop and think right now! I don't swallow that bull about how you are the same no matter how you are dressed! I don't believe you really believe it yourself! Just look at yourself!"

She looked at the others and said, "Its time to tell him the truth and stop pussy footing around!"

WOW! What a change in the atmosphere! It went from Barb shouting at me to pure silence! Everyone except Barb had a frozen expression of shock and that "OH SHIT" look. You know the one, don't you? That look they get when an adult is forced to act and do something they had not planned on by a younger person.

Barb said, "MOTHER!"

Rita then said, "Julia, I think we should take Rachel and Barb upstairs to Rachel's room and then say what we have to say straight out." Grace sort of snuck away and I noticed she went into Harriet's office/library.

Harriet said, "Ok kids, let's go upstairs and talk this all out."

Barb took my hand and looking me in the eyes said, "Rich, I love you and I can't stand to see you so blind to yourself. You are so aware of others needs and wants, but for yourself? Nothing, not a thought, no awareness at all! This is way too important for you to ignore yourself!" With that said she dragged me up the stairs and into my room making me sit in front of my vanity mirror.

Rita, my mother and Harriet followed us quickly into my room and shut the door. Harriet standing up rested her back against the door and then I really knew some heavy stuff was going to be laid on me!

(What I did not know at the time was that Grace was calling Dr. Purnell at that very same moment.)

Barb began with saying, "Rich, look at yourself. What do you see?"

I did look and I looked very carefully and fully. I looked and tried to figure out what she wanted me to see. What I saw was a face made feminine with make-up and lipstick. I looked deeper than that beyond the make-up and saw a feminine face! Yes, if what one would call a caring and gentle look feminine.

I tried to picture the boys and men I have known. Their faces and how their eyes looked. Yes, they were different than mine! Their look was harder and less caring. They had a self-centered look, a different kind of awareness that was more of a challenge than a sharing or giving. Was I that different?

I tried to picture the girls and women I have known. I remembered the ones I liked had a genuine interest in others that showed in their faces and eyes. They were more open and sharing with each other. There was no challenge or hardness to their look.

Was I that different? My look? It was like a very young boy called Ricky. That's it! That's what they were trying to tell me by calling me that! The innocence and trust only a very young boy has! The bonding with his mother that is quickly lost, as he gets older!

Peers and parents help shape the differences more than any other source! Big boys don't do that! Big boys no longer help their mothers or sisters with household duties! They mow the lawn and empty the garbage. They don't do dishes or help cook and clean. They don't do laundry especially the girl's things! Heaven's no!

They don't change diapers or feed and bathe the little ones! They shovel the walk and driveway when buried in winter snow. They rake the leaves, paint the house and do the heavier tasks like changing a flat tire or help move furniture and heavy boxes. Big boys don't sit to pee! Heck no, they pee all over the seat and floor! Much easier to pee standing up, just unzip and spray away! Mom or sis will clean it up! Big boys sure don't!

Hmm. How about the families without any boys? Does that mean none of the boy's chores are done? No, it doesn't! Is there a double standard here? Yes, I believe there is! What do I see? Am I really that different?

Lost, I was lost deep looking into my own eyes. Everything around me was forgotten as I went deeper and deeper within myself searching and searching.

Why was it so easy for me to talk with the girls and share my self with them? Why was it so much easier for me to be at ease and to automatically adapt with them? Did I really change so quickly when I was with the girls? My voice did it really change? The way I gestured with my hands, did I really just flow into the feminine language of body and mind? Did I really sit, walk, stand and express myself differently while I was with them? Did I giggle right along with them?

What is it that's so different? What am I? Why can't I adapt like that with the boys? What sets me apart from them so drastically that I fit in only when I have something to offer? The boys? They seek me out to help design a fort or clubhouse in the trees. Then? I am forgotten once more. They seek me out when they need help and their friends have ignored them. Then? I am forgotten once more. Why?

I think I know! I can't hang out with them! I don't have time for sports! I don't have time to pal around! Is that what being a boy is all about? Is male-bonding so different than female-bonding? Yes, it is! Much different! The bonding a very young boy has is mostly a female bonding! As they grow older they are driven apart by their very gender!

That close emotional bond is quickly lost as they are taught to be what? What are boys taught as they grow older? What is it exactly that drives them away from their emotional caring side? What emotions are they taught to foster? Which emotions are they taught to hide and mask? Most importantly why?

The truth is I DON'T KNOW! I have never known! The truth is I was not brought up as a boy at all! I was dressed as a boy and told I was a boy. I was given a boy's name and I have a penis! Is that what makes the difference? A penis?

Look here, young person, you were born with a penis so you have to grow up to be, what? Who decides what a human being with a penis should be? How they should act? How they should look? The differences come with age! Puberty and beyond! Testosterone flows in the penis bearers and emotions rage and ebb.

How about the human being bearers of a vagina, Hymen and clitoris? Puberty begins estrogen flows and emotions rage and ebb. The secondary physical characteristics begin to form and develop!

The penis bearers develop muscles and deeper voices hair grows on their faces and bodies. The vagina hymen and clitoris bearers grow hair as well. Breasts, hips and fannies develop. The voices do not change all that much and little hair grows on the face and chest.

Hmm. What am I? Must I make a choice? Can't I be me? Am I one without a place in human life? What is different about me? I have no Adam's apple so my voice did not drop. I have no facial or chest hair. I have the beginnings of breasts ,larger and more sensitive nipples. My fanny has developed but my hips have not. I am tall but my waist is narrow. My legs are long and muscled yet smooth and trim as are my arms. My hands are strong yet smooth with tapered fingers.

What am I? Do I belong? Is there a place for a penis bearer like me? Can I be myself and exist happily in this world? Once I am no longer needed at home, what then? Will time change me into something else? Do I need physical intervention like drug therapy or operations to become an acceptable human being? To be a pretty teenage girl what has been done? To be a teenage boy what needs to be done? What am I? Am I that different?

I am lost deep within myself. What is myself? Is there a real me? Am I something that changes by my surroundings like a chameleon? Is there a, me, myself and I? I am lost within. My eyes have grabbed and held me fast. I have traveled deep and far within only to find what? No answers to my quest?

Barbara has sent me to look at my self. A mission that is too general and vague for any true answers. How can one find oneself when it truly does not exist? One mind with two bodies neither whole nor complete in their identity. What am I? Who am I? I am lost. I am lost. I am lost.

I do not exist. I have no place. Yes! There is a place! Here within! I am safe! My body can wither and die and what is left will be my soul! That is who and what I am! A soul trapped in a world and a body, which has no place for an identity! No place in the world for a non-person! A world that exists in dualities rejects my duality! I am not a single person! I am two persons, in one! One, which cannot survive without the other! I am home now, safe within my duality! Here I can exist, out there I do not exist! Here I will stay!

What? What is that? I hear a faint sound so far away outside somewhere. What? What is that? A feeling outside stinging and sharp! What? What? Sleep, I am so tired. I feel adrift in space. It is getting darker. Where is the light I seek? I had seen it only moments ago! Darker, darker, blackness and sleep...

  

  

  

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