"But the thing-a-ma-bob that does the job is..." -- Walt Disney's Cinderella

 

A Life Ever Changing

by Angel

  

#13

Bippity Boppity Boo

  

Finally I was able to crawl into bed...

I walked out of the room with my mind in a place I have never experienced before. All the new information and physical sensations I experienced; had it really only been since that morning! Fourteen hours of one single day! Everything that happened that day swirling and twirling at light speed, each individual bit of information and sensation trying to be understood acknowledged and assimilated. Did it all happen in one single day? Was my life so out of balance since my birth?

I turned to look back into the kitchen and saw the three women settling down into chairs. The coffee maker made gurgling noises announcing the promise of fresh brewed energy. I had no energy! I felt drained and exhausted in mind and body. I saw one last glimpse of myself in the mirrors as I made the turn toward bed and much needed sleep. Was that reflection reality? NO! I'm dreaming! That's it! I am actually asleep in my bed and this was one long never-ending dream! I will wake up soon and life will be as it always has been! YES that's it!

I was looking back at the reflection in my dream when I turned and walked shoulder first, into the wall! OUCH! Oh no! This *is* reality! I looked at myself and I had breasts and was wearing a nightgown! I had on panties and when I felt my head I had a plastic cap covering it! My exhaustion evaporated in a nanosecond. I knew then I would not sleep any that night!

At the thud sound when my shoulder had hit the wall, my mom came rushing toward me concern written on her face. I looked at her and asked, "I'm not dreaming am I?"

My mother hugged me tight and said, "No, Honey, this is not a dream. Are you okay? You look lost."

I looked into her eyes deeply, trying to understand her words. I was lost somewhere in between two worlds. It seemed to me right then that there were two realities. One reality was outside and one lay within, each struggling to come together.

I had to find the key that would open the door that separated them from each other. The key I did not find deep within my mother's eyes. What I found deep within them was love, concern, compassion and something new I had never seen before. I saw oneness, a belonging and an open-ness. I knew that she would not keep anything hidden from me as before. No secret thoughts or knowledge would be kept from me ever again. I knew I could ask her anything and she would tell me honestly and openly. With this new knowledge I had to know! I had to find that key!

I was awake, but not awake. I let her guide me back into the kitchen. I let her help me to sit in a chair. I must have been shaking because Grace came over and helped me into my robe.

She took my face in both her hands. Lifting until our eyes met, she smiled and said, "I have known you but a short time, but I know that look! I know what you are asking yourself just by looking into your eyes. Those beautiful hazel eyes tell your story in their flashes of color."

She chuckled then and said, "Did you know whenever you are thinking and deciding about something your eyes flash with color? They actually flash and change colors faster. Your pupils get larger like they are trying to see everything at the same time. Your eyes are our way of seeing your true self. I can tell you are lost deep within and it is time we do something about it." She chuckled again and caressed my face gently and very softly with her fingertips.

I heard my Aunt Harriet like she was away in the distance saying, "Yes! Her eyes, they do flash and her pupils are huge!" I realized then that Harriet was right next to me and she was looking in my eyes. She sounded so far away. I was so lost in my own self.

The fingers that were caressing me slowed and drifted to a stop. I reached and took hold of the hands so near my face and looked at them. So pretty, soft and delicate. The nails were dancing with a colored glossiness. They looked like they were made of Amethyst. I became aware of smells then. I could smell a hint of several perfumes mixed with the smell of fresh brewing coffee. I could smell chemicals so different than the others. I started to feel again, my physical body slowly joining my mind. I could feel the hands I was holding with my own. I slowly began to refocus on my surroundings. I focused from the seemingly bejeweled nails, to the hands, and then to the person.

She was smiling down at me with a knowing look. I desperately needed that look! Knowing! I had to know! All my questions streamed to the surface at light speed. It was as if they knew on their own that the answers would be found! I once again rejoined the here and now. I looked around me and smiled. I WOULD KNOW! All I had to do was ask. Not an easy thing to do at this moment though.

I first would have to organize the zillion questions screaming to be asked all at one time. I needed some order! I needed to ask the questions in such a way as to answer many by asking only a few. I needed some time. I needed time for the 7 P's! That's it! I was back and thinking clearly once again. I looked at my mother and asked, "Could we have some of that great smelling coffee now?"

The mood in the room changed in an instant, from a mixture of concern and frightened urgency, to one of calm and certainty. I looked at each woman and saw relief and happiness, a purpose and a surety in their mannerisms. Grace sat in the chair closest to me still letting me hold her hands.

I smiled and let her hands go free. I stretched then like a cat waking from slumber. From my toes upward, stretching each muscle as I slowly stood and then relaxed. The blood started flowing again. I could feel my heart pounding and my blood flowing through my veins. I was back! The coffee tasted so good! It seemed all my senses were heightened to their peak of awareness.

We were all sitting at the kitchen table, the women looking at me, waiting patiently for my first question. I took another sip of coffee and found the first key question to ask. I looked at my mother and asked her, "When did you know that I was really different from other boys?" I knew that the answer to this question would be the start of what to ask next.

My mother looked at me with an expression of openness, smiled and answered. "When you asked me to take you shopping so you could buy Terry a present, she had just turned five remember?"

Harriet jumped in, "I remember that! Julia, you called me and we must have talked for hours that evening." She chuckled and continued with, "You were so surprised Ricky could go shopping in the girl's section without a second thought! That he had walked up to a saleslady and asked her help in finding certain things." She started laughing and continued with, "You told me he was so surprised the saleslady asked you if she was serious!" She really started laughing then! She couldn't talk anymore.

My mother looked at Grace and told her, "Terry just turned five and was starting school. She had confided in Ricky that she was afraid all the kids would laugh at her because she had to wear diapers. Ricky had told her that if she could use her potty chair and not wet her diapers during the day he would get her a wonderful surprise. A surprise so wonderful she would never have to wear diapers during the day anymore. He had told her if she had to go pee-pee to come and get him and he would take her diapers off so she could use her potty chair. Well, she did more than that!"

My mother really chuckled then and when she was through she continued, "Terry always wore dresses and she asked Ricky to take her diaper off so she could use the potty chair. Well, it took a little while to get her plastic panties off and get the diapers unpinned. She started to tinkle before she got to the chair, but she made it. When she was done she was so happy! While Ricky was washing her she asked him not to put her diapers back on. It seems she had realized it took too long to get them off. She wanted to be able to use her potty chair on her own."

My mother and Harriet laughed and Grace asked me what I had decided. I answered, "Well, all she had was diapers and no panties. She would only wear dresses, so I figured why not. It would save her time and give her the confidence she needed. It would also let her go by herself without needing anyone else. My only problem was when we had to go anywhere." I chuckled then and told Grace how I had to convince her to wear her diapers when we went outside. "You can't have a five year old girl wandering around outside with a bare bottom."

My mother continued the story. "Well, Terry from that time on never wet herself while she was in the house during the day again! So Ricky had to get her the surprise he promised her."

Grace said, "Okay, but what about the saleslady?"

Harriet just had to finish the story so she jumped in again, "Julia told the saleslady that she should do whatever Ricky asked of her. Well, that poor saleslady was the embarrassed one, not Ricky!" They all laughed and I joined in.

Grace then asked me what I had bought Terry. Boy do I remember that! I answered, "Terry loves frills, but I also knew she would need training pants because of the dribbles. I asked the saleslady where the frilliest little girl's panties were and if they had thick training pants for little girls as well. They did have them so I picked out 10 pairs of real frilly panties, five her size and five more that would fit over the training pants. I bought her five pairs of the thickest training pants they had. That saleslady made me real mad once I had got everything I wanted though."

My mother and Harriet started laughing real hard then and Grace gave me the look that means I had better explain so I did.

"Well, when I got to the register to pay for them that lady asked me if I was sure I got the right size. She said they looked too small to fit me!" Now everybody was laughing. I wasn't. I did not think it was funny at all!

I continued to help redeem myself. "I told her they were for my little sister and not for me!" I stopped at that and looked at Grace who was still laughing.

My Aunt just could not let it rest and said, "You didn't finish the story Ricky." She looked at Grace and continued while my mom looked at me laughing and shaking her head yes, that this part would answer my original question. I was not going to finish the story. I had understood the answer without having to continue.

Grace looked at me and said, "You have to finish it! TELL ME!"

So I did. "The saleslady after I had told her they were for my little sister didn't stop talking. She told me it was so nice of me to buy my sister such pretty things and even though I was a Tomboy and since I was a big girl now, I should start dressing like one! I told her I was not a girl, I was a boy and she didn't believe me! She had to ask my mom!" They were all laughing now! OH CRAP!!!

Grace stopped laughing first and said to me, "Ricky, I know why she didn't believe you. Your longer hair and you have no Adams apple. That is the first thing that stands out on a boy, the Adams apple that and one other thing." They all started laughing again when she said that! Oh GEEZ!

So now I knew it was only a little more than year ago that my mother thought me any different than any other boy. So now for my second question, "Mom, how did you decide that I needed to know about being different?"

My mother paused for a second thinking. She knew, she just wanted to word it right. BUT!

Aunt Harriet always had to be the one to seize the moment when a good story can be told started, "I know, remember Halloween, Julia?" OH CRAP! I remembered! Now I knew that I was set up again! "It was like this Grace, Julia had called me about a plan she had to see if Ricky was one of those boys that could be both a boy or a girl. You see he has a real hard time making friends with boys his own age, they always wanted him to do stupid things he was not interested in doing. They also wanted him to just hang out and he hated that. Add to that he is always in great physical shape but didn't partake in any sports. He always put his family duties above everything else. So the boys just shunned him and started calling him names like mama's-boy and things like that. The lack of free time always hurt his social life until some of the girls started coming over."

My mom added, "YES! I was surprised, one day they just started showing up to hang around with Ricky and even helped him with the little ones and the housework! When they were here I noticed he fit in without even trying. I mean it was a natural part of him to just act like they did. It seemed like an automatic reaction on his part. Halloween was coming up in a couple of weeks and he always took Terry Trick-or-Treating and to our neighbors' house after because they always had a party for the little kids in the neighborhood. He would complement her costume by being part of what she was. If she were a princess he would be a prince. This year I asked Terry what she wanted to be and she picked the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella. Ricky couldn't really think of anything he could be to compliment her choice and left it up to me. I knew I had to get some good measurements and told him I was renting the costumes this year. I even measured his head for a wig, but he thought it was for a hat. I did not tell him otherwise."

My mom chuckled and continued, "I planned it so I brought the costumes home with just enough time for them to get ready and go out."...

I was shocked that she would have done this on purpose to me. She deceived me into thinking it was a mistake by the costume shop and I could not let Terry down, she would have cried for days. So I was stuck, everybody HAD to be in costume for the party after. No exceptions and Terry had to be at that party. My mom would not be home. She was tacking Jerry to Harriet's!

..."The costume I had rented for him was Cinderella. I had put the costumes in one big box and had Ricky carry it into Terry's room. Terry was so excited and I had her costume on top. I pulled everything of her costume out and told Ricky just to bring the box with his costume into his room and start getting ready. I started getting Terry dressed when I heard Ricky holler out MOM! I told Him I would be finished in a few minutes with Terry and to just start getting ready and we were running late. Ricky hollered again saying MOM! THEY MADE A BIG MISTAKE! I finished getting Terry ready and went into Ricky's room. He was just standing there in his briefs looking at what he had spread out on his bed. I faked being very shocked and then started the 'what a shame this happened' and 'Terry would be so disappointed and heart broken' ploy. I knew he would never let his sister down. He could never hurt her. I knew this even though he didn't."

They all chuckled at this and Aunt Harriet jumped in again. "That was when I showed up. I saw Terry looking so cute and I asked her where Ricky was. She looked worried and said he was in his room with mommy. I asked her, what was the matter because she looked sad. She told me that Ricky had hollered there was a mistake with his costume. I told her I would find out and not to worry. I asked her if Ricky had ever let her down and she said no and smiled. I went up the stairs and walked in Ricky's room and said Terry is downstairs and she is almost in tears. She doesn't think Ricky is going to take her tonight. What's wrong? The look on Ricky's face told the whole story! If I could have taken a picture right then! He looked at me then Julia, and said I don't know how to dress like this! That is when I told him I would help him and sent Julia down to cheer up Terry."

I jumped in then and said, "to make a long story short, she helped me alright. With make up and everything. The stupid costume even came with a damn petticoat! I took Terry out and thank the powers above nobody recognized me until the party.

My mom and Harriet both said at the same time, "Oh, yes, they did!" OH CRAP! I hate when they do that!

I jumped in before they could add any more and told Grace, "At the party it became very difficult for me at first. Everybody knew who I was, when they saw Terry and me holding her hand. Barbara and her mother made a big thing out of it and I swear I was going to die right their! Not only did they make us both pose for pictures, but some of the other mothers took our picture as well. I really did just want to die then! Terry was in heaven though and she just kept hugging me and telling me as she put it, 'The best-est brother in the whole world.' Barbara just wouldn't leave me alone either. I had to pose with her and she was dressed as a pirate! Then the other mothers had to gush over me! It was one of the worst nights of my life! I was very glad when it was over, but then Barbara and her mother asked Terry and me to stay for a little while and help clean up. We did and all Terry did was run around playing. Mrs. Nelson even put an apron on me. She said, 'to protect my pretty costume from getting dirty.' We were just about done when she came in with her camera flashing again! I was finally able to get Terry and go home to change."

My mother had a photo album in her hands (Now when did she get that?) and handed it to Grace. Oh CRAP! Yes, there were the pictures! Wow, did I really look like that?

Now it was time for another cup of coffee and my next question. We all refilled our coffee cups and sat down again. I was just about to ask my third question when my mom said, "Ricky, I want to answer your second question fully. When I saw you acting just like the girls were when you were with them, it was then I decided you had to experience at least a little of what they experienced everyday of their lives. I was right! Rita, (Barbara's mother, Mrs. Nelson) called me that night when I got home and told me everything. She said when you were alone with Barbara you acted just like a young lady. It was only when you were with all the other people at the party that you acted nervous. But, even then you acted more like a young lady than a boy in a dress. She even told me that several of the mothers did not believe you were a boy at all and believed she set this up as a joke for the party. Those women left, still thinking you were the perfect young lady."

THANK YOU MOM! Well, it was now time for me to ask my third and I made it a multi-part question.

I looked at each of them to get some seriousness back in the conversation and had to ask Grace to put the album away. She did and I asked my third multi-part question. "You do realize I have to remove all this before it's time for the little ones to get up. I won't have my little sister and brother waking up and seeing me like this. So, this is my question. If you have planned this as you have told me for a month or more and are determined I go through with this and I believe you do. How in the world am I going to be training as an androgynous male at Mrs. Brown's facility and then turn into a teenage girl to go to Betty's? All this and keep my sanity? Where am I going to stay? What am I and you going to tell everybody we know including our relatives when they see me as a teenaged girl? You know it is unavoidable that at sometime it will get out and I will be found out." I sat quietly and awaited the answers to my multiple-fired questions...

  

  

  

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