A letter to My Therapist (True)

by Trish5160

   

Charlie, I wanted to write this stuff down for you so you would have a history of what I have told you during our last meeting. This will save us a lot of time in the long run. Please add it to my records.

I have gone thru so much in my life. Every experience only validated who I really was inside. Along with some misc thoughts and feelings.

I have come so close to suicide many times as a child and as an adult. The desire being so strong in me and yet helpless to do anything about it. I will die someday and my last thought will be…. why weren't things right? Why did I have to struggle with this? Why couldn't I have been different? I will not die happy except for the relief that the struggle would be over with.

This life has been very difficult. I have hated it. Imagine having to grow up to never like or accept yourself. Never understanding the feelings and being lost for so many years. It's been at the very core of all my problems growing up right into adulthood.

My first memory of gender confusion was being at a picnic with my family. I think I was 5 or so. My dad took me to the bathroom and saw I was wearing my sister's panties. I think he said something and was disappointed. But I don't remember what that was he said.

I remember playing with my mom's makeup during these early years. Trying everything in the bathroom and then washing my face. I guess I wasn't very good at cleaning up because my brother asked me if I was wearing lipstick on time. I told him my lips were just chapped. My sister asked once if I was wearing mascara. Well, I was, but would not admit it.

This went on for a few years all the while sneaking into my mom's room to explore her clothes. I used to try on everything! I remember the feeling too! I felt calm and to be honest, a little girly. I was comfortable, safe and happy. I would wear either my mom's or my sister's panties almost every day. Just feeling wonderful about it. Sometimes I would try on my sisters dresses too.

I struggled with this all those early years. I told you I had a condition called gynecomastia which is development of breasts. I had them all my life, since birth. Always had comments made in school. I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I got so jealous when I began to notice girls in school developing and wearing bras, and I couldn't. This made me very angry.

I used to keep a JC Penny catalog under my bed so I could look at all the women's clothes and underwear. I would fill out the order forms and pretend to mail them in. I always wished I was one of the models in those pages. I have always loved shopping.

I remember a time in grade school when I would roll up two little pieces of paper and tape them to my chest to simulate nipples. No one ever said anything to me. But I enjoyed doing that. It made me feel like one of the girls.

In 6^th grade my dad and brother caught me wearing my sister's bra to school. I wore it under a baggy sweat shirt. I loved the feeling! I was wearing a bra that fit because I had boy boobs. It was an incredible feeling! It felt right. At home, I was washing dishes, like most women do… My brother patted me on the back and felt the bra clasp against my back. I jumped with shock. He wanted to know what it was and I told him it was a band-aid. I told him some kid at school accidentally stabbed my in the back with his pencil. He ran to tell my dad. I was scared to death! I ran to the bathroom, removed the bra and hid it under the sink. I went back to doing the dishes and my dad asked me to remove my sweatshirt. He saw the marks that a bra made on my skin. You could clearly see where the cups and straps were on me. He sent me to my room where I promised never to do it again.

I kept on stealing my sisters things from time to time. When mom took my sisters to buy their first bras, I lingered close by to do my best to pretend I was included. I wanted to be her daughter too. I would also steal ladies underwear from the neighbors clothes line and wear them whenever I had the chance to. I had my own little lingerie drawer in my room no one knew about.

My family and I took a trip to the zoo one afternoon. I went wearing a bra under my shirt. It felt great to look down and see the cups filled with my boobs! I loved the gentle hug the bra gave me. I felt so sexy feeling the straps under my shirt! Oh what I would have given to be this way all the time!

All this time I was praying God would change me. All I ever wanted was to be a girl. To wear their pretty clothes they wore because boy clothes were boring to me. I wanted to do my hair too. I wanted it to be long like theirs and put flowers in it. I wanted to wear makeup and perfume like they did and play with them and be included.

I have cried myself to sleep countless times wishing I would change.

Once I wrote to a local hispital asking for a sex change. I may have been 10 or something. They wrote back suggesting I talk to my parents.

Also in those early years I purchased a bust developer gizmo that claimed it would add inches to my bust line. I saved my allowance, bought it and used it.. all the time. My mom found it hidden in my room and I promised never to use it again.

I then purchased drink mixes and creams that would guarantee a youthful bust. I used these "miracles" religiously. I kept this stuff well hidden. No one knew.

Later in grade school, it was especially embarrassing to play basketball. I hated playing shirts and skins. I was the one who got stared at because as I ran up and down the court, my boobs would bounce around. What choice did I have as a kid?

I also recall a moment where I was so angry and upset that I was a boy, I stood in our bathroom over the sink with a knife in my hand and my penis pulled out ready to cut it off! I didn't do it. But I sure wished I had the courage to do so.

In HS swimming class, one kid told me (in front of everyone) I needed a bra. I wanted to just cry. I didn't argue with him. Deep down inside he was right. But I was a boy who wanted to be a girl, with no where to turn.

It wasn't too long after that. I was wearing a bra I stole from an Ames Department store to High School when I had the opportunity. It was a light blue pastel colored bra that was slightly padded with a pretty little bow between the cups. I wore it to school often. I pulled it off every time. I was pretty good at hiding my boobs, even though the bra would accentuate them. But it felt right. I felt comfortable doing it and wearing it.

So it went for me during those years. I had discovered other feelings too. I actually felt like I was meant to be a girl. I discovered masturbation somewhere along the line and NEVER fantasized about being anyone other than the woman or someone's wife during sex.

For as long as I have ever taken a breath, I have always wanted to be a wife and mommy. I always wanted to become pregnant and have a baby. To breast feed my children. To make love with my husband and please him. To feel him inside me and feel his orgasm. To make him happy. I always pictured myself in a wedding gown looking like a princess on my wedding day. How happy I would have been!

Also in HS, I recall times where I faked being home sick from school and while alone, I would find my mom's best bra and fill the cups (to feel more womanly) put on one of her silky blouses with panty and stockings. A little makeup and perfume. I would lay a towel on the floor of the living room with a pillow.

** GRAPHIC ** True.

I was curious. I wanted to know what it was like to "do it" with a guy. I didn't have a boyfriend, but we had Duke, our dog. He was an English Springer Spaniel about medium size. Needless to say, it was the first time I had touched another penis. I was obviously scared. I managed to get him excited and interested in mating. I let him lick my boobs and eventually other places too … well…lets just say that next part really was exciting for both of us. I introduced his tongue to my rear. He licked and licked. It was fun! I love my rear getting licked! I got on all fours and allowed him to mount me. I loved the fact I was turning him on. I loved it as his front legs wrapped tightly around my waist and he wouldn't let go. I never let him actually enter me, but I let him try. I loved the feeling of this male trying to pump his erection into me. He went to town too! It was obvious he wanted me. He thought I was his female and I loved it! I loved that he would whimper while pumping and lick my back and my neck too. What stamina he had! He was actually trying to get himself inside me and impregnate me, which would have been fine with me…being pregnant was what I wanted. Even if I couldn't have had his puppies, I would have. We made love with me on my back with my legs spread wide for him, and I remember guiding him to me. Once, his penis made several pokes inside me and I jumped. I think he entered me only for a second at a time, and he was ejaculating all over me. Pure heaven to have been with him. I felt happy to please him this way. He satisfied me and I am quite sure I made him happy too. He was exhausted. I felt like a woman. I felt peace, love and joy. I loved laying there knowing his sperm was all over me and thinking how a million of his big strong sperm were looking for my one helpless little egg….Only I wish it was a real man. Someone sensitive, strong, and with muscles. A man who was kind and gentle, yet firm and reassuring. Protecting me and telling me I was sexy.

I spent many afternoons with him this way. I regret now not allowing him to penetrate me fully. I think now I would have appreciated the experience more. We developed a connection………………… until he passed.

I also had occasions to baby sit the neighbor kids from time to time. They were very young at the time. One still a baby. I remember going over to baby sit and when the parents went out, I would get dressed up to the hilt in her clothes. I was dressed in all her clothes, including bra (which fit because she was small busted like me), panty, stockings, a blouse and skirt. Make up and some jewelry too. I baby sat the boys and pretended to be their mommy. I once had decided to try to breast feed the baby. I sat on the sofa with a glass of milk next to me and positioned the baby in my lap, near my breast. I undid my blouse and lifted my bra to expose myself. I would put little drops of milk on my nipple and get the baby to suck it off. He never really 'took' to my breast in a real way, but to watch his face and feel his little lips trying to attach to me was just wonderful. Wow, how perfect it would have been to have been born female and given birth! To have babies and be a housewife!

Where ever I lived, I always paid attention to the bra and panty sales in the paper. Always wished I could be dressed the same way. What a joy it would be to have two fleshy mounds on my chest, pushing out against my shirts. I would love to have a figure. I always wanted to go to a dept store for a professional bra fitting. To be measured properly and try them on and have someone adjust my straps for me and tell me how beautiful I looked in it. I would love the world to see me with my boobs as they would proudly proclaim I am a woman!

Things I tried to do to escape these feelings, but never have been able to…

Purged countless times only to reacquire everything again

Spent time in the military, still wishing to be a girl and dressing up

Found God, still wishing to be a girl and dressing up

Married, still wishing to be a girl and dressing up

Had a double mastectomy, still wishing to be a girl and dressing up

Became a dad, still wishing to be a girl and dressing up

I never was able to get these feelings out of my head. I have always been driven by it. I've been on hormones at different times as well.

In Colorado I had scheduled an appointment for a makeover. I went to this little beauty shop after work and had a professional make-up session with photos. Like Glamour Shots. I looked cute (I thought).

I want to be soft, feminine and pretty. I want to be seen as a woman and treated like one. I want to do my hair in different ways with lots of curls and bows. I want to wear the prettiest and most feminine bras with matching panties. I want shave my legs and underarms everyday and put moisturizer on them to make them silky smooth. I wish to wear pretty flowery dresses and collect shoes! I want to be wanted and pursued by men. I want to touch a man. I want to be held by a man, kissed by a man. I want a man to play with my boobs. I want to be with a man as a woman. I want him to hold me afterwards. I want men to open doors for me. I want to wear make up every day. I want to have breasts. Real nice boobs that I can be proud of and a butt to match! I want to be noticed as a woman. I want to be pregnant and become a mommy, I want to have a baby. I want to lactate. I would gladly have a period every month and wear tampons and panty liners. I want to be lavished in lace and softness. I would happily go to my OB doctor and put my feet in stirrups and be examined. I would happily be a woman in a man's world and get paid less for the same job. I would love to have my nails done. I would love to work out at Curves to keep my figure shapely. I want all the emotions that go with being a woman the highs and lows. I want to wear a bikini. I want to talk, walk and move as a woman does. I want to be a girly girl. I want to be married and be a trophy wife. I want to be called ma'am or miss. I want to go shopping for women's clothes and use the woman's dressing room. I want a vagina. I want to have to sit to pee. I want to buy makeup from Avon. When men talk to me I want them to notice my body. I want to worry about panty lines. I want to be in conversations with the girls, talking about clothes and guys. I want to be a member of the weaker sex. I want my nipples to poke thru my clothes without warning and have people notice.

I have always had this strong desire. How fun it would be to be soft. To have a feminine face and long flowing hair. To apply makeup. I would love to spend every morning sitting at my make up table carefully applying my foundation. Then my mascara to make my eye lashes thick and long. A hint of eye shadow and apply some soft blusher to my cheeks. Then to top it all off, some nice creamy lipstick. Then next would be a couple of bracelets and a necklace. Don't forget the pretty earrings!

I have always wondered what it would be like to be actually someone's wife. To be married in a church and say "I do" and walk down the aisle holding hands with my husband. To drive to our honeymoon in a limo together. To have him carry me over the threshold of our honeymoon suite. To have him gently set me on our bed. To kiss him passionately. To have him touch me. And undress me. And to take me and make me his. I would gladly give up my current life for this without hesitation.

I often wonder,: What's it like to unzip and reach into a mans pants to touch him? What's it like to play with a man's penis and get him hard? What's it like to take your time and really examine it? What's it like to kiss the tip of a man's penis? What's it like to orally please a man? What's it like being under a strong man and be taken? What's it like to be held down by his weight with no escape? What's it like to have him inside, feeling his hardness? What's it like to feel your legs wrapped around his waist or up over his shoulders? What's it like to feel his passion rise as he pumps himself in and out? What's it like to feel your boobs jiggle while he's doing this? What's it like to feel his balls slapping against you? What would it be like to be taken from behind and have my boobs sway as my man slammed me hard? What would it be like to have his hard shaft deep inside me? What's it like to have him deep inside and having his orgasm? Do your insides feel warm when this happens? What's it like to be filled with his seamen? What's it like to have an orgasm as a woman? What's it like laying there knowing you'll soon be pregnant? I would wear a tampon just to keep his sperm inside me as long as possible. What's it like?

If I was a woman, I would like to have sex with men as often as possible!

I would wear a dress everyday to work. I would do my hair differently everyday. My dresses would be the prettiest and most feminine that I could buy. Because I would want to show on the outside, what I feel on the inside. I would be truly happy! I would look forward to everyday. I would finally be happy knowing I was finally able to be. Oh how wonderful it would feel to be free and feminine….

  

  

  

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