I Was Lonely

by Staci Marie

    

I was lonely that afternoon when Gina walked in, and I sat rather dejectedly at my desk.

"Hi, Mr. D," she said. "What's the matter?"

Usually I didn't share much with my students, but for some reason I really opened up. She seemed a little bit more receptive than most college sophomores.

"Didn't your wife die last year too?"

"Yeah, she did?"

"Do you have any kids? Or brothers or sisters?"

"Nope. I'm all alone now."

"How sad. I'm so sorry."

"Thanks. I think I'll be fine. I shouldn't have dumped on you so much."

Gina just stared into my eyes for a while, smiling. Then she winked and asked,

"Do you have any more classes today?"

"Nope. I'm clear till Tuesday."

"Cool," she said. Then she brought out this huge cookie covered with m&m's candies and continued, "I was just walking past the cookie cart in the quad and thought you might like this. They were out of milk, so I guess you'll have to eat it dry."

Gina was always thinking of others, bringing little gifts to her fellow students, and I was touched that she would think to bring something for me on a late Thursday afternoon. And since I was starving, I accepted the gift and ate it right down. Every crumb of it.

"That's a good cookie."

"Yeah," she chimed in. "They make some pretty good ones." Then she added something that made me stop and wonder. "That was their specialty cookie. They say it satisfies for up to four days. And if they're right you'll need this little box of goodies. Don't open it though, unless you really are satisfied. You'll know in about an hour."

She rose and headed for the door, but added, "I'll be around if you need my help." She smiled slyly, then she was gone. But I never saw her leave, if in fact she did, for I felt groggy and almost immediately fell forward onto the little box Gina had placed on my desk.

Really I don't know how long I slept, but I awoke to Gina's sweet voice as her hand shook my shoulder. But she was calling me by the wrong name.

"Jenna? Jenna, it's time to wake up. Mom and Dad are meeting us for dinner."

I raised my head, surprised that long brown hair cascaded all around my face. "What's this?"

"Come along now. You've experienced a few changes while you slept. I'll tell you all about them while I brush your hair."

"Gina, I…"

"I know, maybe you awoke a little early. But you'll push all the old things to the back of your head in another five minutes or so. Then you'll be my twin sister, nineteen, very female, and very interested in finding a…."

"Female? Nineteen? My gosh, Gina, I'm your professor."

"Who are you?"

"Don't you recognize me? I'm Mr. Donal…, Mr. Don…. Gina, what's wrong with me?" Suddenly a tingling caused my head to shake once or twice. Then I smiled into Gina's pretty face and asked, "When are we meeting Mom and Dad?"

"Jenna, you're here. We're supposed to meet them in about twenty minutes."

"My hair's a mess."

"Come over here, to the mirror, and I'll brush it for you."

As I stood before the mirror and looked back and forth from her face to mine, I remembered that she was the oldest, by a mere seven minutes, and because of that she would forever be my older sister.

"How's that look, Jenna?"

"I like it. Can you fix my make-up too?"

Gina giggled, "Of course." She set down the brush and reached for her purse. "But just a little…so Daddy doesn't get weird about it."

"Deal. But I'm kinda confused."

"About what?"

"I don't remember Daddy. Or Mommy either."

"Well, that's to be expected, under the circumstances."

"Expected?" By this point I was not sure what was going on, but I was sure that something about me was different. As we left the little office and I caught a glimpse of the two of us in the door-length mirror and liked what I saw.

"It will come to you," she explained, "like magic. You will know everything just as you need to know it."

"Sunday's your birthday," I suddenly realized.

"Yours too, silly." She giggled, threw a big hug around my neck and kissed me on the cheek. "I already like being a twin."

"I've still gotta get you a present."

"No. No. Remember, we split the cost of bringing Mom and Dad up here."

Suddenly it came to mind, crystal clear, as though I'd known my whole life. In three days we would be twenty. No longer teenagers. And Mom was worried that we had not gotten engaged.

Gina reached out and took my left hand, interlocking little fingers, and side by side we meandered down the hall, her in pink satin, me in light blue. I was a wee bit wobbly in the three-inch pumps, but figured I'd get used to them quickly.

"Hey, big sister," I said. "I don't remember getting dressed."

"You were asleep. I dressed you while you were unconscious. But don't worry, I waited till the change was complete, so I didn't see anything I shouldn't."

"That's good." Then I felt my face twist and contort slightly. "What change?"

"I'll tell you later. There's Mom."

Around a bush at the end of the walkway came a shapely blonde and quite a handsome gentleman with graying temples. A few feet from them Dad's arm came from behind his back with two bunches of yellow roses.

"Now, let's see," he said. "These are for Jenna." He held one bundle of fragrance in my direction. "And these are for Gina." He held the other dozen toward my sister.

Suddenly Gina turned toward me and asked if I remembered that day when we were six years old and Grandpa had given us each a carnation to wear over our left ears. I said I did, but realized again that I didn't know why I could remember such a thing. Though the memory was there, I felt that it should not be. Something was just kind of wrong.

We spent the evening with our parents, then headed back to the dorm, exhausted but cheerful. They would be at a beach resort till Sunday when they'd meet us for birthday cake and ice cream before returning home.

I loved being with Gina and we talked into the wee hours of the morning. It was like we hadn't been together in a long time. Finally we just fell asleep in our underwear.

About 6 am I awoke and felt a little different. I began exploring my body with extended fingertips. My skin was smoother than I remembered, more curvy than I remembered. I loosened my bra and ran cupped hands over my breasts. Again I did not recall the feeling, the sensation, I was having. My fingertips danced across my nipples and I was ecstatic. Oh my gosh, I thought I would come undone. Why couldn't I remember ever having felt that before?

I got up to urinate and went to the bathroom where I pulled down my panties and stood awkwardly before the toilet. Then I turned and sat. "What's going on?" I mumbled to myself.

But before anything got a footing in my mind Gina stumbled in and asked, "Could I have the first shower?"

Totally naked, she stood and waited for my response.

"Go ahead."

She turned to get her things when I noticed the cutest little pink butterfly tattooed on her left butt cheek. "Gina, that's darling. When did you get that?"

"Huh?" she replied over her shoulder, turning just enough to see my outstretched arm and pointing finger. "I got it the same day you got yours, silly bunny."

I have a tattoo? I hopped up from the toilet and turned so as to see my butt in the bathroom mirror, and sure enough I had the same butterfly, but in light blue.

"Did you wipe?" Gina asked from the other room.

"What?"

"Did you wipe? There's a few things you can't possibly know since the big change, and that's one of them. When you pee you have to wipe… front to rear… so you don't get an infection."

"What change? That's the second time you've mentioned a change. What are you talking about?"

"You changing from a boy to a girl. What do you think?"

That made absolutely no sense at all, so I shut up and got back under the covers until Gina was done showering. It took her nearly half an hour, but as she came out wrapped in a towel she said, "Don't forget to shave your legs."

"Legs?"

"And underarms. Not your face. That would be weird"

"Some days you say the strangest things. Why would I ever shave my face. I mean, have you ever seen me shave my face?"

"Not exactly, but…."

"Just get dressed, Gina. I'll be out in a few, with silky legs and everything."

We got breakfast right off campus at Burger King, Sunrise Croissants, then walked back to the Commons where we met up with Asher and Jason.

"Who's driving?" Gina giggled as she laced her arm into Asher's.

"Me."

"Oh, so I get the seatbelt in the middle? The little one for kids?"

"Guess so, if you wanna sit by me."

"How many seatbelts you have in the back?" Jason asked, shoving his best friend's shoulder, then putting his arm around my waist.

Asher looked back at the two of us, then winked at me. "Does it matter? You two will be sharing one anyway, won't you?"

I think I blushed a little and I turned my head away from Jason. He was quite handsome and always had something witty to share. But this time he was silent. I turned back quickly to see that his face was glowing a bit also.

"Just worry about your own seatbelts," I told Asher. "We'll do just fine with or without any help from you."

Jason held the door for me and I scooted across to the middle. He followed through the same door. Gina and Asher did the same in the front, and we were on our way.

As Asher pulled out of the parking lot he crawled along Campus Drive at about 5 miles per hour till he got to the corner and stopped. "Well, Jenna?"

"Well what, Asher?" I must have looked weird or uncertain or something. They were all staring at me like I had the knowledge of the universe.

"What's this big secret you wouldn't tell us until we were on the road? Where are we going?"

Then the strangest thing happened to me. I knew. It's like the answer had been there all along. Like I knew every detail and every answer. "The Berry Festival. In Cameron. Just go north about thirty miles till…."

"I know where the Berry Festival is. My gosh, I haven't been there since I was in fifth grade."

"Yeah, me too. Neat idea, Jenna. This will be fun."

So off we went to the Berry Festival, I not even knowing where the thought came from. And they all acted like I'd had it planned for some time. But honestly I didn't remember much about my life up until the last day or so. And there beside me on the back seat of Asher's car was my purse. I didn't even know what was in it. So I decided right then and there to go searching. Lipstick would be my excuse. I'm looking for my lipstick.

Then I felt Jason's fingers wiggle their way into my hand. Our fingers laced together and I fell back in my seat, conscious only of my love for him. I looked at his hand, then followed up his muscular arm, into his face, till our eyes locked onto each other. Silently we leaned forward till our lips touched, we embraced, and oh my gosh did we kiss. I was in ecstasy. Two minutes. Three minutes. I don't know how long we kissed, but my heart raced as he parted my lips with his tongue.

About that moment Gina asked if I had any Kleenex. I pulled back, shook my head imperceptibly, then answered my sister in the affirmative. I reached for my purse, opened it and started rooting around till I found a purse-pack which I handed to her over the seat.

"Thanks," she said, removing one tissue and dabbing at her nose with it.

Jason's fingers squeezed at my wrist, and I had the same interests he did, but before we could resume anything Gina asked what shade of lipstick I was wearing.

"Um, I'm not sure," I mumbled, then reached for the mirror I had just seen. I pulled it out, checked my lip color, raised the angle slightly to stare into my eyes and saw something of remarkable curiosity. My eyes were beautiful, with flawless eye shadow and long thick lashes. And there was a little bit of a sparkle. But as I stared into my eyes, into myself, I realized the truth of what had taken place in the last twenty-four hours. I was Jenna, and I was Mr. D, all at the same time.

I must have blushed. Gina asked if I was all right, then asked if I'd looked straight into that mirror or something.

"I did," I told her.

"Put it back in your purse and a bad memory will fade away in no time at all."

I did as instructed, but the memory did not fade.

Jason reached for my hand again, but the realization that I had just been kissing him repulsed me and I pulled away.

"I'd better sit alone, for awhile," I told him. "Just in case."

"Asher, please stop at the ARCO station up ahead. Jenna and I need to use the little girls room."

"I'm ok," I told her, but she insisted I was not. Asher parked. Gina jumped out and dragged my off in a hurry. In the restroom she rooted around in my purse till she found my eye shadow and mascara. She lightened my shadow below the brow line, then brushed on a tiny bit more mascara.

"There. Good as new."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Who are you, dear little sister of mine?"

"Oh, give me a break." I giggled, grabbed the mascara from her hand and threw it in my purse. "Hey, Gina?"

She said nothing. Just stared at me for a moment.

"Did you bring any pads. I think I'm starting?"

She held out a pad, which I took quickly, but without really knowing what to do with it. "Just stick it in your panties," she said. Let me know if you need any more"

I entered a stall and did as she said.

As we returned to the car she grabbed my arm, spun me around, and asked if I remembered Mr. D.

"Never heard of him,"

"Good."

"Why? Who is he?"

"Long story. I'll tell you later."

"Gina! You're messing with my mind."

"Just get in the car and let's get to the berry festival."

I climbed in, kissed Jason on the cheek, then buckled myself into the middle seatbelt.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

"Much. Thanks."

The rest of the day was fun, and the sour cream strawberry pie at the Smucker's booth was out of this world. I got their recipe, but I'd never made a pie in my life. What a challenge that would be. The only thing I was familiar with was the spray bottle of whipped topping.

Our birthday was a delight. We wore our nicest dresses for the evening and met Mom and Dad at The Sycamore Inn, about five miles inland along the river. The setting was gorgeous. From our table by the window we could watch sail boats coming in for the night and a fascinating collection of sea otters, gulls and pelicans playing for the diners.

Following the best prime rib in California, two individual birthday cakes were delivered to the table, then Mom pulled little packages our of her purse and placed one in front of each of us. They were heart-shaped lockets, mine silver, Gina's gold. As I opened mine I thought how cute Jason would look in there.

Business was pretty slow, so the restaurant didn't mind that we sat and talked till almost 9 o'clock when Mom and Dad left for the airport. We watched them drive away, then returned to our dorm where we sat and talked till midnight. Gina fell asleep in mid-sentence, so I pulled the sheets up over her, then went to my own bed where I stared into the darkness till I too was overcome with sleep.

Monday morning Gina woke me up really early and kept prodding me with the directive to hurry up. I'd ask why, but she wouldn't say a thing. And I felt like she was right on top of something, so I went along with it all. We hurried through a thick, damp fog to the Humanities Office Building, took the elevator to the ninth floor, then hurried into an office on the south-west corner.

"Wow, what a view!"

"Admire that later," Gina said. "Right now you have to get ready for a moment of realization."

"A what?" I asked as she pushed me down into an overstuffed leather desk chair.

"I'll be back in about an hour. We can talk then. Just wait for me, ok? No matter what happens, wait right here for me, ok?"

"What could happen? I mean, is it safe here?"

"It's safe. Just wait. You'll be safe. Everything's safe. And you'll remember everything…so you'll want to wait here."

About then I began to feel groggy and soon dozed off. When I awoke, I was no longer Jenna. I had returned to my old self. But I remembered the weekend.

I remembered being young and female. I remembered the cramping of my first period. I remembered the long, pretty eyelashes, the flowing, silky hair. I remembered kissing, and blushed once again.

Out the window I saw the most magnificent view of the pacific ocean, and was amazed the fog had lifted before noon. And on the stool by the window I noticed Jenna's dress, and shoes, and purse. And I remembered wondering what was in the purse.

I dumped its contents on my desk. Make-up, small change, a wallet, perfume, keys, pads, pens, earrings, a necklace, and a small picture of Jenna and Jason. I stared at that for a moment, realizing that I had been Jenna. I looked happy. I was holding Jason, very tightly, and I was happy.

I thought about my life for the last ten years, and realized that this weekend was probably the happiest time I'd had in a decade or more.

Finally I opened the pink wallet, revealing a driver's license with Jenna's picture, birthdate, and permanent address. How weird. It was my address, where I'd grown up years and years ago.

As I started putting everything back into the purse there was a soft tapping at my office door.

"Come in."

"Hi, Mr. D. I see you're back."

I chuckled a bit, then asked, "Would it be wrong of me to say, 'Hi, Sis'?"

Her mouth fell open. "You remember?"

"I remember having the best time I've had in years."

"Even though you were a . . . a girl?"

"I think I enjoyed that aspect of it the most."

"You're kidding."

"No, Gina. I loved the makeup, the long hair, the clothes, the jewelry. And I adored having somebody doting over me like Jason did. I loved our relationship with Mom and Dad. And I loved having you as my twin."

"So now what? What are you going to do now that you've seen a totally different way of life?"

"I guess I'd give just about anything to be able to experience being a woman again. But I'd want it to be permanent. You wouldn't happen to know anybody who could bring that kind of change about, would you? Got any more magical cookies?"

Gina smiled rather slyly, then leaned forward and whispered, "Take the little pink mirror from your purse." I just stared at her for a minute, then reached inside the purse I'd just finished filling. As I pulled the mirror out, Gina continued, "Now stare into your eyes, deep into your soul, and Jenna will be out forever. Don't look away. Stare till you pass out, and when you wake up I will once again have a beautiful twin sister."

I raised the mirror and stared into my eyes. I could see through them. And I could feel something magnificent changing inside me the whole time. My breasts were tingly and started to fill. My waist began to shrink. And then I fell asleep.

"Jenna?" I rolled my head, and there beside me stood my sister. "Do you remember being Mr. D?"

I nodded.

"You will for a few days, while you're adjusting. But by the end of the week that other life will be gone forever. You'll fall in love, but probably not with Jason. You'll get married, and with a little bit of luck you will be a loving and caring mother." She sat down in front of me and smiled sweetly. "Now how about we do your makeup, your hair, and get you dressed?"

"Let me try by myself." I got dressed, having a little trouble fastening the bra strap in the middle of my back, then brushed my hair. I reached for my purse and once again removed its contents. I unscrewed the mascara brush and began stroking it on my lashes. Longer and darker. But the feel of the brush pulling through my lashes was sensational. And I've never tired of it.

  

  

  

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