I Want What I Want

by Jane Hudson

  

My family had always been good to me. But today am I in the middle of hell week. I tired to kill myself. Why I had always wanted to be a woman but could not face the guilt any more. I had been like this since I was very little wearing my older sister June and my mum Mary clothes. I am now 14 and just wanted to die. I had been so racked with the shame and guilt all week I had been going down and down until I hit the floor. My dad John found me dressed in my sister summer flower print dress in my room. By luck only, he forgot some paper work and came back home .He is a Works Manager at a wood mill. He heard a loud bump from my room found me on the floor. I had taken mums sleeping pills. I was rushed to Hospital. After being pumped out. I was coming around I felt like s—t.. As I awoke mum dad sis was all there. Mum spoke first " My poor baby we read the letter you left why did you not tell us Dave" . I could not answer her. I just started crying and sobbing. Mum hugged me and my sister hugged me too. Then all 3 of us started crying I could not hug back as my arms was strapped down just in case My dad was just holding back the tears as well.

The Doctor came in and told my family that it was a close run thing . That this was not a cry for help but a true attempt at killing myself. My dad asked what would be the best thing to help their son. The Doctor Ms Janice Longford said "Well Mr Williams your son seems to have Gender problems I think that a psychiatrist who can deal with this should see and talk to him." Well my family talked to the Doctor about me and what should be done. Then she made a call to the Psychiatrist Doctor John Patton .Who was to be a great help to me over the next few years.

I was to be put on a 24 watch but that now my secret was out I felt relived I knew now my family cared what a fool I was to think they would not. I laid in bed tubes coming in to my arm feeling sorry for myself and feeling bad that I put my loving family through this. Then my lovely beautiful mum a woman I would love to be came in . She at 5 foot 7 inches was just my ideal of womanhood .Her blond soft long hair framing her lovely kind face her blue eyes sad yet also happy that I was alive. God what a selfish fool I have been. "My baby My dear sweet child I always knew you was not a rough and tumble boy but a sweet kind child. Now I see you are more feminine than any of us thought" Mum I said " Hush my baby I have something for you my dear I think you will love it" My sister June head peaked around the with a big smile on it. "Is it ok to come in with it now" " Yes dear " mum said. What going on here I thought. I was so to find out.

My sister June a great kid two years older that me a bit of a tomboy well was until she discovered boys that changed in the last 18 months stood there. About my mums height short but feminine blond bob, blond hair runs in our family. She was in short black skirt tight black top and real nice black shoes but not too high mum don't like her in too high a shoe about 3 inches her boobs not big but a nice B cup I think .I can see why her boyfriend Bob likes her so much Luckily he a real nice guy Tall dark hair good looking and a real sweet boy .I fancy him too another thing I felt shame over. Dad was not far behind he was about 5 foot 9 ins blond and a nice quite family man. .

Grinning madly she said " There you go sis for you" She gave me a package inside was the most beautiful pink lace trimmed night gown. I just burst in to tears I was so shocked but also happy. "Gee You cry at the drop of a hat just like a girl in fact more than I do " my dear sis said with a big smile on her face. Mum spoke "Now the Doctor said you wont be able to wear it tonight but in the next couple of days they don't want you moving around to much. Well I was not going anywhere with these straps on.

Well the following day I was helped out of the hospital gown by Lucy a lovely black nurse who been so sweet to me and in to my fabulous night gown. I felt like I was on cloud nine. During the day I had my first visit from Doctor John Patton. He asked me questions and I answered as best I could. He then listened to me as I went on about how I feel .I felt more at ease with myself with myself as we talked. I have had to do a lot of thinking in this bed and had a lot of growing up to do. I now knew that I was going to live and as a woman. No matter how hard it is .If you are willing to kill yourself then a bit of hassle is well worthwhile being what I want to be a woman.

In the afternoon Mum and sis visited.. June gave me a lovely white teddy bear I called him snowdrop. My sis said why call him after American MPs she use to love War Films told you a right tomboy. I always love chick flicks but tried to hide it. I told them both how I felt . Mum said "Ok my dear daughter if that what you want.Better a lovely live daughter than a dead son". I started crying again sis said don't "start you will start us all of" I did all 3 of sobbing again gee Kleenx will make a years profit in a week with us 3.

In a week time I was allowed out of hospital . I left the hospital wearing a cute plaid skirt just above my knees a white top and a nice fur trimmed winter coat that was my sister until she grew out of it. I wore this as it was just over two weeks before Christmas. My hair was not long enough to style yet but I was wearing a real cute page boy blond wig. My new smart shoulder bag felt just so right over my shoulder. I had a pair of low heel black shoes. It was cold out a frost was still about at 9.30 am. My Mum and Sister took me out an arm in each arm The Doctor wished me well and gave me a little peck on the cheek I blushed. Then we walked out the door of the hospital .I felt the light make up on me the feel of lipstick made me feel all girl. The cold went right up my skirt it was cold but it was a real girl feeling .Yes I was scared yet so happy as well. Dad pulled up in Ford Focus and we got in. Leaving Bristol Hospital we joined the busy traffic on to the M32 then the M5 towards Weston Super Mare. We lived in a 3 bedroom House in Worle on the edge of Weston. Mum had told our friends and neighbours what was going on.

I was nervous as hell getting out of the car . But my friend Becky a girl I helped with history and she helped me with math was there. As was some of her friends Alice and Louise I have always gotten on with girls better than boys. Becky was more of a tomboy than my sis football running and judo. She was near on a black belt she showed me some moves I learn some but I don't like hurting people. Alice and Louise were both in to sports and belonged to the same judo club. But they was a bit more girly than Becky. Becky was wearing a skirt I don't believe it its always jeans or trousers. I did not notice at first because I was overwhelmed by it all. In fact all the girl were. June told me later if I wanted to be a girl and wear skirts they would too to welcome me even Becky. I cried at that again June said " Oh no here we go again".

Inside the house my mum made us tea and we sat and chatted. The girls said about school and some of the jerks who may give me a hard time John Baters was one a real bully . But Becky said "I give him what for if he starts remember last year when he was taking money from little kids and I stopped him Then him and his 3 mates had a go at me well .I got a black eye bust tooth and lots of cuts and bruises and a bust thumb little finger on right hand . But once I put down John and his nasty sidekick Pete the others just cleared off and he got worse than I did". I did remember it was the talk of the school he was very quiet about a girl fighting of 4 louts and giving him a second pasting. It was nothing he wanted to talk about. He a lot bigger than Becky but she took him each time."You're my friend by the way what do you call yourself" .Dawn I said. "Cute" she said " If anyone has ago at you they will have me to deal with" She was as kind as she was tough and always stood up for the underdog .When she left school she joined the police and very good copper she was too. I started tear up again I felt so happy.

I still felt so weak and tired and soon was off to bed . I slept in my own bed for the first time a happy girl. It would not be until the morning that I noticed that was room had gone through a feminine make over as well. Morning burst through the windows. I had left the curtains open. I felt a little better than I did last night a bit of a headache but nothing much.. Mum would give me a headache pill when I went down stairs. I now noticed my room wow. It was beautiful I must have been real out it when I went to bed not to notice this. My bed was all white lace Teddy bears and dolls all over the room I saw it was done in a lovely pink colour I had a lovely wardrobe a vanity with large make up mirror under the window. A GIRLS ROOM 100% I still had my TV DvD computer BUT EVERYTHING ELSE WAS DIFFERENT and so feminine. I was so happy I started crying again .Mum came in what the matter she said. I told her its my room. Mum said " Young lady don't you like" I said " Like it I love it I am so happy thank you mum and dad and sis too" She told me "You silly goose come on get up you have a big day ahead of you young lady" Young Lady that was music to my ears.

I put my dressing gown a pink one of course over my lovely white lace trimmed nightgown it was on the bed last night and I just put it on after washing. I went off to the Bathroom I had to pee I did this sitting down .I would never stand again. After my shower and my removing the very little body hair I had I went to my room. I picked out a pink bra a training one but my first pink knickers a pink short flared skirt a pink top ok I love pink .Sis say even by girl standards I am a real sissy girl short socks that go with my pink trimmed trainers I did my make up light nothing over the top. Mum said I was good at make up well I been doing it behind people back for years. I brushed my wig out and put it on. I looked like a girly 14 year girl. I put on a jean jacket that June gave me. Then I went down stairs to my family.

As I walked down the stairs mum dad sis was at the bottom they all clapped and said I look fabulous very sweet and feminine. I blush and giggled mum said just like a girl. Once we had breakfast dad said "Right ladies we are off to The Mall at Cribscause way then lunch at Burger King I knew you girls would like that then tonight dinner at a very nice Italian Restaurant in Ciffton". We all plied in to the car I held my sister hand June squeezed my hand back I was nervous but so happy now . We drove down the motorway dad listening to Radio 2 Boring but dad liked it . June made a face to say dad music stinks but I did not care I was now a girl and I always would be.

We got to Juntion17 the turn off to Cribbscause way was packed coming up to Christmas it was always the same. We took a little while to get to the car park and then it took a while to park up but we did in the end. I got out of the car boy was I scared but June held my hand and smiled at me. Mum said " Don't worry dear you'll

Be fine you look great" June chipped in " Great she a fox we'll have to fight the boys of her with sticks" I smiled and thought I wish that was true. Dad just smiled at his two girls. I walked with my sis in to the Mall dumb name calling it that but it got some nice shops nor very big not a Lakeside a Bluewater or Medowhall but it was ok. Went in by The Marks & Spencer's entrance . Mum took us towards the shoes for mum they were great but there was only one or two June or I liked.But I tried on a pair of 3 inch courts .I t was my first time as a girl trying on shoes in a large public store. I felt just GREAT I was living as I always wanted to live. We had a good look around Marks mum got herself a skirt a pair of black trousers black top. We want to around some younger girls shops. Well we was off like dogs out of the trap. We had a ball trying on tops skirts trousers jeans laughing and giggling together I had got over my being scared and was fully in to being Dawn I just loved being DAWN. Poor old dad being dragged by 3 females one of which was new to being female and just mad to shop . He a good sport but for a normal guy shopping is like having teeth pulled there he was with us 3 being bored out of his skull. But He was happy to see me happy .He did not want to see his only son become a girl but he would rather have a live new daughter than an old dead son. So He was happy I was happy daddy such a sweetie I just loved him to bits. After doing the whole of the Mall we went over to Burger King .We walked in to the restaurant and ordered our meals no size up for mum June or me Dad well he had super size the lot Bacon double Whopper .Men love to stuff there face us girls have to watch our figures .

Well after that we drove home later dad was taking us to this real fancy Restaurant . We was sat at home watching Tv when the door bell rang. It was My dad Brother Jack Mr Macho himself. He left his wife for another woman leaving his daughter and then his girl friend left him as he was always drinking and gambling. Oh sh-t I don't need this Dick head shouting the odds. In he came 5 foot 11 inches of hairy ape my mum could not stand him he was everything my dad was not . My dad is kind a good guy a real man who loves his family and puts them first. Now don't get me wrong now and again he like to have a drink with the guy' s play golf watch football Cricket Rugby stuff like that but he loves his girls me as well now . I just loved daddy all his women did I know Mum loved him as much as when they first met. But Jack Uncle Jack was a drunk thug who thought women was there to wash iron have sex with and some time or other leave. Men was men and women should be glad that they are. Gee mum disliked him 100%. He came up to me and grab hold and said "Get out of all that sh-t you queer poff you need a good kicking all the bother you caused" Dad told him to shut up you don't know what your talking about Mum lost it well I wont say what she said. But I never heard her talk like that . I did not know she knew them sort of words . My sister was having a go at Jack to shut up I just started crying He grabbed hold of my arm and started dragging me up stairs to get me out of all that queer sh-t. Dad flew at him and landed one on him .Dad was always an easy going guy but not now. Jack stagger back against the living room wall. Then he leaped at dad Mum started shouting at Jack and Jack got on top of dad punching him in the face. But dad was not out of it he punched him in the side of the head mum hit him back with a broom from the kitchen and kept hitting I stood there my top torn crying my sis held me. Jack Leapt up as dad punched him in the guts he fell back but was up again mum hit him again with the broom. F-ck this he said " To hell with all you sissy lovers .You boy he said to me "Don't ever come near ME you scum if you KNOWS whats good for I don't want my mates think you a queer has anything to do with me" . Dad told him get out and don't come back. Jack said "Don't worry I will just keep the sissy queer out of my way or else" Dad said you ever touch her your dead meat now clear off and don't come back. I never saw him again he moved to London to work as a Fork Truck driver at a large Supermarket depot . But he put the poison in to a lot of our family but Grandad and Granny was ok and saw me a couple of times but they lived in Spain and came over once a year. The rest we never bothered much with anyway.

Well after that we did not feel much like going out. Dad had a black eye and cuts and bruises. Mum went off and got an Indian take away for us all. I was still upset June said Jack a jerk I rather you be a girl like you are than a guy like that. Thank sis I said .I mean it June told me Jack such a total jerk I would rather have you as a sister than him as a Uncle . Don't cry dad told me WE all love you and always will. I fell in to daddys arms and sobbed gently as he held me. We all sat together eating our meal and chatting I had never felt so loved as I did then. Mum and dad discussed school in the New Year and how we were going to go about my change over. At about 10.00 pm said "Young ladies off to bed its been a busy day for us all to say the lest." .We both went up June gave me a sisterly kiss on the cheek and said good night. I went into my lovely room and changed in to my short white lace trimmed night dress. I was soon off to sleep .At 3.00 am I awoke from a nightmare about Jack I screamed sis then mum rushed in to my room. "There there kitten" my mum said "don't worry I am" here and me too sis said. I told them about my dream about Jack .Mum said "You silly goose it all right now" Dad came in and asked if all was ok. Mum told him yes she had a bad dream. Sis said I'll sleep with her to night her bed big enough for two.So June got in with me I felt very safe with her I sleep warm and safe until morning.

I awoke and found the bed empty I washed my face and went down stairs. I over heard mum dad and sis talking I stood part way up the stairs and listened to what they was saying. Dad said "what will become of him I mean her she more girllish than June" . Mum said "yes but she is still smart and she has a kind soul". But said dad "Yes I know and I love her for that but is she going to be able to cope in the world as she is or will she sink" June chipped in "Not if any of us girls have anything to do with it. I and the other girls will look after her" Dad said "That ok for school but what about outside on the big wide world will she hack it then" June said "Dad to everyone who meets her in years to come she will a very feminine girl called Dawn and she will get by as such" Mum said "It up to us those who love her to make sure she has the life she wants as Dawn and by god I mean that she will" I felt so loved at that moment. I walked down and in to the room. Hi I said Every one said good morning.

I sat down to breakfast with my family and then I help June do the washing up..June playful splashed me and then I her we started laughing and giggling .Dad and mum came in to the kitchen. "What are you two minx' s up to." Nothing mum dad" June said. They both laughed and just said "well just clear up the mess girls" .Oh my how I just love to be called girl it made me so happy. I went up to my room and changed into a pair of jeans and simple top and a nice pair pink trimmed trainers. Rechecked my makeup and brushed out my wig. I came down the stairs. June said I looked like any 14 year old girl. I blushed and smiled. We was off out June and I was going to Beckys house then off to see a flim. We went to the bus stop and waited for the bus to come. We stood there waiting my sister was in a short demin skirt pink top jean jacket pair of black heeled boots and her black bag which was slung over her shoulder. We was chatting and giggling when two boys came along .June whispered the dark haired boy a cute one Dawn. I blushed I did not want to admit it but I felt all hot and bothered by him I wanted a boy sis saw that and smiled. "My little sis is a real girl now and she fancy boys that great welcome to real girl world". I blushed and smiled.I said "You don't mind then that I like boys" Of course not silly goose you're a girl now and girls like boys" The other boy was a nice guy too short a little chubby with blond hair but a nice face a kind face. The two boys kept looking at us and we shyly looked over at them.. Then the bus came along June said "Come on minx stop undressing the boy with your eyes hussy" I blushed she laughed.

Once we picked up Becky we walked from house to the Odeon in Weston Town centre. Who was walking towards us with two of his mates John Baters. Oh sh-t. He saw Becky and us looking daggers at Becky but just went on by."See beat em up and they are as sweet as kittens". I look in the refection of a shop window and saw him rushing toward Becky with something sliver glinting in his hand. Becky I shouted she turned and John stabbed her in the belly. I screamed June smashed her bag across his arm. He dropped the knife his two mates legged it. I rushed over to Becky she was holding stomach her blood pouring out of it . I remembered in a film that you put something over the wound to help stop the bleeding I took off my jacket and put it over the wound. She was turning white I was scared she might die please god don't let that happen. June was trying to hold on to John he kicked her so she punched him again and again but he hit her back pushed her away and ran off. I got my mobile out and called an ambulance and the police. It seems someone had already called it in but I gave them all the details I could. June stood by me a bit of blood run from her lip she had scarped all the skin off her knuckles on her left hand where she kept punching John. She also had a large bruise on her leg where he kicked her.

 

The Police came along with mum and dad not far behind I had called them . I wanted along with June to go to the Hospital to see Becky. So we was taken there by the Police to get checked out and to find out about Becky. Becky was in a bad way but she pulled through later on it was touch and go. The police started questioning June and I about what happened mum and dad told the police was situation regarding myself . They said that was not the issue here. We asked al about the attack we told them the who and the why as far as we knew. Then we went home I cried in the back of the car daddy asked if he had a go at me and Becky jumped in .June said "He did not even know Dawn but just went for Becky from the back". "The scumbag dad said". We got home and I just burst in to a flood of tears this started June of too and mum .Dad stood there 3 females crying poor guy. I spoke "WHY is some guy always trying to hurt people Uncle Jack Now John I hate these guys I will just die if Becky dies." June snapped "No you won't I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THAT ALREADY you will live and so will Becky". That shut me up I don't want to upset my big sis so I better live.

Christmas day I got up what a last few weeks this had been so good and so bad a roller coaster of a ride The good news was Becky was going to be ok it was rough but she strong and tough and she pulled through. The Police got John. June had really bashed up his face good. It would be March before he would go to court he was being held on remand at a Youth Offender Prison. Police praised my sister for doing what she did but they also said it could have gone wrong and she could have been stabbed. My hero sister was commended by the judge in March . It nice having a big strong sister to look after me and keep me safe and she is still so pretty as well. I had to give evidence at the trial by that time I was fully Dawn it came out and was in the papers .But I was beyond caring I was Dawn that was that. John had got 3 years at a youth offender centre . He came out after 18 month his family moved we never saw him again. But heard 6 months after coming out he was killed in a car crash while being chased by the police. Becky came out and was soon fit as ever. She was as good as her word and looked after me along with June at school I had some hassle but it was not too bad after a while. When I left school and got a job at an office worker Becky in the police we stayed good friends. June got married and was a PE teacher she had a sweet little girl Lucy I was aunty Dawn to her but that was a long way from my first Christmas as Dawn.

That Christmas I came down the stairs there was mum dad June and all her friends I was in a lovely red dress matching shoes the lot they all clapped to see me so dressed up mum had laid it all out last night. I started crying again June said " Oh no here she goes again" I was so happy. The presents was all girl stuff great make up clothes oh if I got any happier I would burst . Lunch was great mum dad June and Carol and Mary two of June friend was there. After lunch we visited Becky I took her a present a soft doll she laughed but was soon holding her more of a girly that she like to admit. She looked rough but was soon smiling . Then we started giggling and laughing so much a nurse told us girls off. All too soon my first Christmas day was over. I had many more wonderful ones as Dawn but I will always remember my first as DAWN AND WILL ALAWY BE GREATFUL to my family and Junes friends.

Later on if I may I will tell of my first day at school work and my sister wedding.

  

  

  

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