It's Worth It!                  by: Angela Eastwood

 

This is the second story I have written and submitted. It is sad but true and I feel I have to let all other CD's out there know what has happened to me.

I have been married for more than 20 years but it is only the past couple of years I have openly acknoweleged by desire to dress as a woman by telling my wife.

At first this caused her so much pain and in fact led to her being very ill for a long time with depression. She just did not understand why I wanted to cross dress and felt I that this was a first step to my becoming a woman. I tried to reassure her that I loved her and that I was a man and would always be a man but it was hard to get her to understand this.

To be honest she kept going on and on about it so much she got on my nerves and I told her that she had to accept the truth that for me to be really happy, for the first time in my life, I had to follow my heart.

Things seemed to get better and my wife's health improved. She accepted my new life style and even helped me with shopping for clothes, jewellry and make-up from time to time.

We seemed closer than ever as she realised that I still loved her.

But, Oh what a big But!

I needed more. I did not want to be confined to upstairs when I became the real me as my wife waited downstairs. I wanted to be able to show her how beautiful I looked as a woman and to spend all my leisure time in my own home dressed this way. I was not ready to go out in public yet, but damn it I pay the bills and I should be able to do what I want to do in my own home. More arguments and tears. More long hours repeating over and over again how this did not affect my feelings for her etc.

I discovered that along with the joy of dressing I was also making new friends and contacts from my nightly surfing of the TV web. I loved talking to men just like me who did not judge me like my wife did. I felt free!!

My wife also surfed the net but for the usual boring reasons like discovering her family tree. She is computer literate so I had to be clever to hide my TV links and chats. It became like a game to me to conceal my new computer life from her. I enjoyed the secrecy and duplicity. It made a change from my steady and, if being honest, boring marriage.

One night I forgot that I had changed my password and boy did the s**t hit the fan when she came down stairs and wanted to know why I had done so. The nerve of her, she was trying to log into my private files and was frustrated when she could not unravel my new password.

Yet more tears and reassurances. To shut her up I showed her my new password and my new web links. She was grateful for my honesty and things seemed to get better again.

This is the hardest part of my tale to relate, but it has to be done. My wife had a free day from work and I left her asleep in bed as I left for another day in the office. I always called her as I was leaving to come home in the evening in case she wanted me to bring anything in, but this day I got no reply and when the automatic answering service clicked in I thought she must be in the bath, so I did not leave a message and hung up. An hour later I was home and called out her name as I came through the door. No answer. The house seemed deserted. It was not like her to go out at this time of the day and not leave a message.

I was worried. I went upstairs and she was still in bed!! I called her name, no response. I shook her shoulder, no response. Of course not, she was dead. A note addressed to me was on her nightstand. It just said "You know why"

Unbeknown to me she had been hoarding her anti-depressants for weeks and had taken them all at once.

My mind was in turmoil. What was I to do? I destroyed her note and told her family and friends that she had left no suicide note. Of course everybody was upset, but they understood as her mental state had always been fragile to say the least and as I have already said she had been suffering from depression for a while.

The next few weeks went by in a haze of funeral, police investigations, inquests, form filling. Althought I ached to resume my "real" identity as I felt that I would get some consolation from it, I just did not have the time and energy.

When I went to bed at night I was so exhausted, all I could do was go over everything in my mind. At first I felt so guilty that I had done this to her, but over time I realised that I had done nothing wrong. I only have one life and to be true to myself and really happy I had to fulfil my lifelong fantasies. I had told her and told her that I still loved her, but it was not my fault that she would not believe me. It was her decision to die, not mine.

So what now? I can finally live the way I want to. I have not gone public. I do not want my friends and colleagues to find out as I think I would be subject to ridicule. But what Oh what bliss when I back to my home at night! I can do what I like and even better I have my wife's clothes, jewellry and make up to supplement my own. I have never been happier.

You only have one life and you cannot spend it living a lie to keep some one else content. My wife loved me and really the best thing she could give me was my freedom to be Angela!! I have long since stopped feeling guilty. I did nothing wrong did I? It was worth it.

 

 

 

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© 2001 by Angela Eastwood. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.