I Married Dr. Luke

by Emma Kate

  

I lay in bed half-asleep as my husband quietly got up, pattered across the room in the half-light, put on his robe and then went downstairs to make himself some coffee before showering. It had been late when we had got home the previous night, and we had been utterly exhausted. The arrival home meant that our honeymoon was now over and today it was back to work for the man to whom I had given my whole self two weeks and two days earlier, taken his name, and unreservedly committed myself to until parted by death.

As I lay there deliciously drifting in and out of consciousness, I could hardly believe my good fortune that a man as incredible as Luke should fall in love with a creature like me. Three years or so earlier my mother in pain and anger had made it quite clear that she thought that in the course I had chosen I was destining myself to life as "a tragic and lonely figure," yet now here I was married, and among both medical and support staff I was celebrated as the girl who had managed to land one of the most sought-after single men at the hospital where I had previously worked.

As she had helped me get into my wedding gown the other Saturday my mother had been all sweetness and light and her words now were, "I always thought you would make a lovely bride." Hearing her say that was really worth a chuckle or two – Mommy always has been unpredictable.

Luke had showered and shaved when he came back into the bedroom some 25 minutes later, but as I sat up in bed to watch him after he had opened the blinds it was obvious when he took his robe off that he was sexually aroused and needy. I pointed at his hardness and asked with a giggle, "Where did that come from?"

He smiled, pulled back the bedclothes and got back in beside me, "I hoped you would notice how uncomfortable it has been for me to go more than 24 hours without sex."

"You've been playing with yourself again, haven't you, Dr. Luke?"

He nodded. "Yes, and thinking about you."

I had made a promise to myself one thing when Luke had asked me to marry him, and that was that I would try never to deny him intercourse if he asked for it by word, look, or touch. We had flown back from Europe the previous day so had not had sex since we had woken up in London very early the previous morning. I was tired, but I knew that I wanted him and he wanted me, especially on this day that he was going back to work after two glorious weeks together in Paris, Rome, and London.

I slipped off my the very pretty and very expensive nightgown he had bought me on Bond Street in London, tossed it on the floor, lay back on the pillows, and yielded to his arms and kisses. I loved it when he held me close and kissed me, his hands stroking and exploring my body. I felt so wanted and adored when Luke wrapped his body around me. I spread my legs willingly and in a moment after a little lubrication he was between them and on top of me. "Oh, God, I want you," he murmured and after carefully positioning himself he entered me. I especially loved that moment when I could feel his hardness pressing deep inside me. I had been made for this, I told myself, nestling in his arms, wrapping my legs around his back, and enjoying the gently in and out motions of his penis.

"Oh, I love you, I love you," I whispered, eyes closed, feeling cuddly and vulnerable. For several minutes he gave me some deep pleasure which resulted in a small but adorable little climax, and when he knew he had delighted me he got ready to satisfy himself. I held him more tightly as his body prepared itself, and then a moment later he was shooting the goodness of his love deep inside me, and then a few seconds after that it was dribbling down between my thighs and I knew I had satisfied him.

"You are such a clever boy," I praised. Although he and I had been sexual together for a while, this was the first time I had made love to him in our marital bed, and I found myself looking forward to giving him so much delight in our bed in our bedroom many, many, many more times. After a little while of lying together, my husband disengaged his body from mine, going into the bathroom to clean himself up. I followed him, and perched naked on the toilet watched as he did the necessary wiping up and cleaning, conscious of the dampness between my own legs as a result of his sexual excitement.

Then as Luke began dressing I slipped on the new robe he had also bought me on Bond Street. I felt like a princess in this beautiful long robe of silk satin with appliquéd lace. Robe and nightgown alone had cost my husband well over a thousand dollars and he had declared that I was worth every penny. I loved being spoiled!

I decided to go downstairs to make breakfast, although not before noticing that the sheets were definitely going to need to be changed today. I smiled to myself as I walked down the stairs realizing that if we continued as we had on our honeymoon, I would be doing that quite a lot in the coming weeks and months. We had gone to Europe to see the sights, but I had to confess that we were so caught up with delight in each other's body that we would slip back to the hotel for some bed between sightseeing. I joked that I went to see the sights and had ended up getting to know the details of quite a few hotel ceilings. The truth was that I couldn't get enough of this man, and it seemed that he couldn't get enough of me.

Coffee was brewed and breakfast was prepared when Luke came down looking the dapper doctor that he is. I had my back to him when he walked into the room, and he came up behind me, but his arms around me and slid his hands inside the lovely robe I was wearing to find my boobs. "Yummy," he whispered, as his fingers closed around them.

"Naughty boy," I whispered as he nibbled my neck, "Sit down and eat your breakfast."

He turned me around to face him, unsashed my robe so that my torso was nude and available to him, slid his hand between my legs and said, "Can I have you for breakfast?"

"Dr. Luke," I said faking sternness, "I am now your wife, and I am determined that you have to go to work to keep me in the manner to which I intend to become accustomed," then I giggled and kissed him on the tip of his nose. "Now, be a good boy and sit down and eat your breakfast."

I sat down with my orange juice opposite him. I had eaten a lot of rich food while we were away and with all the new clothes I had I couldn't afford to go above a size 8. For four years I had been taking such great care over my food intake and there was no reason for me to change that now. But my man tucked into his cereal, toast, fruit, and coffee and fretted a little about what he would have to do that morning. Two weeks is a long time for a doctor to be away, and he knew it would be a difficult few hours ahead. "Come and have lunch with me," he said, reaching across the table and putting his hand on mine.

"Wild horses wouldn't keep me away, Doctor, perhaps I will let you examine me."

He grinned lasciviously, "You're on," and we laughed when we realized that we were both thinking of the last time he had made love to me on his office desk a couple of days before our wedding.

When he had kissed me excessively at the door, feeling me up with the hope of more sex, he went off to work, and I had time to wander around the home of which I was now the lady. It still had the bleak flavor of a widower's house. There were little female touches that had wilted or died, and there was no exciting color or warmth. Luke had been married to Rowena for twenty years and they had one daughter, Megan, who was off at college. My husband's first marriage had not been much of a great success because Rowena had been much more interested in feminist politics than him, but he had told me that they had stayed together for Megan and out of habit more than anything else. However, her death had been sudden and tragic, and the illness that took her with such rapidity had left Luke in shock for months. Apparently he had wandered around the hospital in a daze, and his patients were alarmed by the way that he lost weight and looked haggard.

It was more than two years after Rowena's death that I met Luke, who by then had been the target of every single woman in the hospital for months. When I had arrived at the hospital to work the rumor was going around among the females that Luke Gordon wasn't worth worrying about because he was gay. I didn't meet him until a couple of months after I had started working at the hospital. Vanessa, now my roommate, had been discouraging me from coming home early because of the guy she was seeing, so I would stay late and do filing, straighten records, and clean up the database. While I was working on one of these little tasks Dr. Luke Gordon came into the office looking for some information.

He wasn't in a hurry and I was merely killing time, so we got chatting. We had talked for about ten or fifteen minutes when he said, "Ms, er…"

"Hammond…"

"Have you eaten yet?' I shook my head. "Can I tempt you to have some supper with me?"

I was very nervous, not having been out much alone with men yet, but I was ready to be tempted. A few minutes later we were sitting together in a little bistro across the street having what turned out to be a long, long, long conversation. I loved his company, and it was obvious that he enjoyed mine. Before I knew it, it was eleven o'clock and I knew by then that I needed to get home. Ever the gentleman, Luke walked me to my car in the hospital ramp, taking the keys from my hand and opening the door for me so that he could help me in. As I moved toward the door he came over, kissed me chastely on the cheek and asked, "Can we do something like that again, sometime?"

A couple of days later the phone rang and I answered it, "Susan Hammond."

"This is Luke Gordon here, Susan, can I take you to dinner tonight?"

So began a period of several months in which Luke and I became good friends. A couple of times a week we would have dinner together, go to a concert, go for walks, and discover that we enjoyed each other's company very much. Vanessa had kept telling me that this was going to lead somewhere, but I refused to believe her – perhaps I was frightened to. During those early months Luke and I were very self-controlled physically, with little more than some holding hands and a few kisses, something I learned later that endeared me to him because of the way other women had thrown themselves at him. On our honeymoon he had told me about some of the women at the hospital who found it hard to keep their panties on when they were in his company.

One morning I was wandering around the place in my robe and Vanessa was standing at the ironing board in the kitchen in her bra and panties getting the creases out of her dress. As she did so she lectured me that it was probably about time I worked out what my intentions were toward Luke, as well as finding out what his might be toward me.

"I'm assuming that you are going to bed with him," she said casually. I shook my head and she shrugged. Since she became single again even lip service to the notion of monogamy seemed to have diminished and quite a rich diet of males had come through the door of our home and spent the night with her. There was a silence then she asked quite forcefully, "What are you going to do about him?"

"Vanessa, I don't know," I said sitting down at the table and looking toward her. "I like Luke very much and have these feelings toward him, but how could I ever tell him all my nasty secrets."

"Well, I guess you are going to have to tell some guy the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, sooner or later."

I sighed. "I know, I know, but how do you tell a guy something like that?"

She stopped ironing and looked at me, "Well, you can't tell him in the same way that you told me."

I smiled wanly, "No, things were very different then."

"They sure were," she answered.

I could feel the lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. "And I hurt you very badly, which you know I feel sore about."

She shrugged, "Honey, that's all water under the bridge. I have a new life, you have a new life, and we are both getting on with living them."

"That certainly is true," I answered, wrapping my long satin kimono around my naked body. The life I was now living was the life I had always wanted and dreamed for. This was the life I had craved since my very earliest memories, but now that I was living it some of the logistics were turning out to be extremely difficult. I had actually lain in the bath that morning and rehearsed how I might tell Luke my deepest secrets, gently fingering my womanhood. He had the last time we went out kissed me romantically for the first time and had cuddling me. I had this empty feeling that wanted him so much, but I knew that there was no way that I could keep the truth from him forever.

Suddenly I did what I so often do these days when I feel pressured, I just burst into tears. "Sorry, Susie, tears don't wash with me," Vanessa sighed.

I brushed my eyes with the back of my hand and attempted a grin, "I know, but you know I can't help it."

She grimaced, "I understand, but you know that it irritates me a lot that you cry as much as you do." She paused and shrugged, "Gosh, I never thought you would master the little girl hurt thing so well."

I shrugged, "I'm sorry… I guess it has just become part of me now. Blame it on estrogen."

She grinned, "You always say that." She was silent as she finished her ironing, and then slid her dress over her head, motioning me to help her zip it at the back. She turned and faced me when I had done it up and said, "Susie, you and I have been friends for a long time… more than friends. We have lived under the same roof together now for ten years and as our relationship has changed so has our ways of handling one another. I am beginning to think that the time might have come for us to go our separate ways."

I was shaken when she said this. "But why?"

"Honey, do you know how difficult I find it when I bring a man home and there you are fussing around the place, or when he sleeps over I know that you are in the bedroom next door and able to hear us making love?"

I shrugged again and answered, "I know, I know, but you understand me."

She put her hands on my shoulders and said, "No, Susie, that's where you are wrong. I used to understand you. We were once a couple and I understood you then, or so I thought until I discovered your longings and hankerings. I understood you highs and lows when you started to head in your present direction, although when we legally detached ourselves from one another it hurt me far more than I ever let on. But you know that. I think we began to become much more different and ever more distant last year when everything was finally put right as far as you were concerned. I was dating other guys by then and you were thoroughly absorbed in achieving your femininity. Honey, it's over. We have become strangers to each other."

"You've got something in mind, haven't you?" I said, looking into her eyes.

She nodded. "I haven't broken this to you before but this weekend David is going to move in with me. As you spent your share of the house getting to where you are now, it belongs to me now and I want to share it with the man I love and whose baby I am going to have."

"You're pregnant?" I was astonished.

She nodded. "Yes, at last I am going to have a baby of my very own."

"And those sperm that you have had stored?"

"I want them destroyed," she said.

I sighed and sat down, then looked up at her. "You have my permission." Yes, with the words that had just passed between us I knew it was over. In a few days I would be living in the spare room in the house that Vanessa and I had shared for ten years. She would be in the master bedroom with David, a nice guy that she had fallen for, and I would be the unwanted person in the little guest room down the hallway. The time had come to move on. "Give me a month or so to find somewhere to move to," I finally said, and Vanessa agreed.

At that moment the phone rang in Vanessa's purse and she answered it. He face brightened as soon as she heard the voice at the other end. "And I love you, too," she said. Then there was a long pause as he said something to her, she smiled and put her hand over her mouth. "Naughty boy," she then whispered to him. There was some checking of schedules and then she said, "Susie is on board with our plans, and will be moving out of the house in four to six weeks." More conversation. "I can't wait either. I love you. Bye-bye."

Luke and I had dinner together on Friday evening and I knew that David would have fully moved in by the time I got back. "You're sad this evening, Susie," Luke said part of the way through the meal, "What's wrong?" I told him about Vanessa wanting me to move out and how David was moving in. "But why should that bother you?" he asked.

Then I burst into my customary tears, which did wash with Luke, and began telling him the sorry story of my life. When it was over I looked up at him and said, "And I suppose you are going to hate me now for not telling you this earlier."

He shook his head. "I am shaken," he replied, "I find it hard to both understand and come to terms with. I need time to think about this." He quickly paid the bill, we drove home in silence, and then he dropped me off. He didn't even give me a peck on the cheek, but pulled away from the curb as soon as I was out of the car. I knew precisely what it all meant and ran into the house in floods of tears. I had been dumped, but given the facts who could blame a red-blooded man like him for treating me in this way?

As I threw myself on my bed I could hear David and Vanessa in the other room, and she was particularly noisy this evening. I knew that bed well, and each of the little judders and squeaks that I heard every now and again meant they were making love. I felt so utterly alone. As I lay there on my stomach weeping I heard that little gasp that Vanessa always makes just as she is preparing to climax – and in her womb was the child that she had so wanted me to share with her, but it was David who was this baby's father. Knowing I did not have the ability to carry a child, I envied her very much.

I had signed papers earlier that day, and the rest of the sperm we had stored would soon have gone down the sink. Now I would never produce offspring whose DNA was my own. What was I fit for? I was little more than a freak, a good-looking fake woman. Bruised and battered I cried myself to a restless sleep.

The days passed and I heard nothing from Luke, and he avoided coming to my end of the hospital. Several weeks later I heard that he was dating Nancy Sommers, then some weeks after that I discovered that relationship was over, although apparently Nancy was quoted as having told her friends how lovely he was in bed. That fall and winter Luke must have consorted with half a dozen women who worked in the hospital, and news of it always got back to me. I was living on my own by this time in a pitiful little one-bedroom apartment, occasionally dating, sometimes felt up by a guy, but nothing serious except some occasional masturbation. I started looking for another job, and finally landing one as receptionist in an attorney's office. It was good to be away from the place where Luke and so much sadness resided.

Then as April came around and spring was springing, I began to feel my spirits rising a little. I was enjoying working among lawyers and had decided that in the fall I would begin evening law school classes. I had been a professional once I could do something different now and make a good living at it. A law office was a place where a girl could wear the nicest things, so I had on a particularly pretty cream suit one morning when I looked up from my work and saw Luke Gordon walking into the office with his daughter. I really didn't know where to put myself when we met at the reception desk face-to-face, and neither did Luke. When they had gone in for their appointment I got another girl to cover for me and fled to the ladies room where I sat in a stall and cried my eyes out over what might have been.

About twenty minutes later when I was back at the reception Luke suddenly appeared as if from nowhere. "Hello, Susan," he said in a restrained kind of voice.

I looked up coldly at him and answered, "Good morning, Dr. Gordon."

He was quiet for a moment and then said, "Susan, I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For treating you as I have."

"Well, from what I have heard you haven't let that slow you down since you dumped me," I answered as bitchily as I could. I wanted him to know he had hurt me very badly.

He was silent again. "Susie, I have missed you."

Then I heard myself saying it. I had not intended to, but I couldn't help myself, "And I have missed you."

A smile spread across his face. "Can you do lunch?"

Twenty minutes later, his daughter still with her attorney working out details on a business deal of some kind, Luke and I were sitting in a little bistro getting reacquainted. "I tried to call you several times but your former roommate told me you no longer lived there, and she wouldn't pass on your new phone number."

"That's true," I said, "She was glad to be shot of me, and I was glad to leave. I had become something of an embarrassment to her. I also told her that if you ever tried to be in touch with me to prevent you from doing so."

"Why is Vanessa so down on you?"

"Well, you have to realize that its very hard for a woman to enjoy making love to the man she chooses to father her child with her former husband in the next door room, even if the ex-husband now has vagina, boobs, wear a pretty nightie, dates men, and answers to the name of Susan."

He thought for a moment. "Vanessa used to be your wife?" I nodded. I could see all the how, why, what questions running through his brain and I reached across and put my hand on his as I looked into his eyes and told him about it.

"Vanessa was probably the best friend I could have had to make the transition that I did. She guided me and cared for me as I stumbled into womanhood, and then she stuck by me during the period in which I was sliding out of what I had been into what I was becoming."

"How long have you known about yourself?" he asked, leaning toward me.

"Just about as long as I can remember."

"But why did you get married, then?"

I sighed, "Looking back from where I am now it didn't make any sense, but at the time I was desperate to see if I could be the person I had been born. I was living a straight and seemingly very normal life, and the straight and very normal thing to do was get married."

"What was your career then?"

I smiled, "You'll never believe this…"

"Why?"

"I was the administrator of a church."

"Really?"

I nodded, "Yes, really."

He shook his head, "I don't believe it."

I grinned, "Well, sweetie, believe it because it is true."

"What made you walk away from all that?"

I put my head on one side and thought for a moment then asked, "Luke, have you ever treated a transsexual?"

"Not that I am aware of."

"Well, there is this incredibly disconnect in the way we are on the outside and the person that we actually are inside. I remember it all coming into focus when I was about four or five. My mother, sister, and I went to stay with one of Mommy's college friends. She had a little girl the same age as me and one night we were bathed together. For the whole of my short life without being able to understand it I had known something was wrong about me, but I remember vividly looking at her body and knowing for certain what I had known intuitively up until then that mine should look like that. I think that it was at that moment when all the pieces came together in my mind and I realized that I might physically be a boy, but at heart I was a girl."

He thought for a moment. "You must have had a terrible problems growing up."

I shrugged, "Oh, Luke, I was torn. I looked like a boy but inside I was becoming more and more girl. I loved the games that girls played, I loved the way they related to each other, I loved the clothes they wore, I wanted so desperately to be one, but I was stuck with this body that I found more and more disgusting."

"So what did you do?"

"What all other little girls like me do, I borrowed clothes from my sister and mother secretly, and I tried to eavesdrop on being a woman without actually being one. When I got to college I bought a wardrobe of female stuff for myself and would often go out dressed and enjoy the freedom and how relaxed I felt as Susan, the name I gave myself back then."

"What happened?"

I smiled, "Oh, not much. But do you know how liberating it is to walk into a department store and head for the fashion section without anyone taking a blind bit of notice of you? I felt the female me growing and growing, and I knew that at some point I would have to allow the female me her head."

"Yet you met and married Vanessa…"

I nodded. "Yes, big mistake. I met Vanessa and fell in love with her and felt that if I married her I would be normal. I got rid of all my girlie stuff and concentrated on being the man in her life. We married, and I went off to be the administrator at this growing new church and even thought about going off to seminary sooner or later."

"What went wrong?"

I smiled sadly, "I couldn't manage the delusion. About eighteen months after we married it just all exploded and I confessed to her my true nature and true desires. In the weeks and months that followed it became obvious now the cat was out of the bag that there was nothing I could do to live the former life I had lived. I resigned my job, resigned my old name, resigned from dressing and living as a male, and got a job working in a bookstore and started my existence as Susan Hammond."

"What was that like?"

"At last I was free to be me rather than pretending to be Stewart, my boy's name. What really helped was that my sister died from an aneurism around that time and left me $100,000 that was her life insurance policy. I hated losing her because we were close and she knew my secret, but that money and my equity in our house gave me the funds to stop working and to walk the road I needed to walk into womanhood."

"And Vanessa?"

"She stuck with me. We divorced and stayed together as roommates. What happened to me led us both on a different kind of faith journey than we had been on. She doesn't go to church any more, but when she started sleeping with other men I was upset, yet I encouraged her to pursue her dream just as she encouraged me as I pursued mine. She now has a partner and a baby, and I'm a woman in body as well as soul."

"And a very delightful woman, too."

I felt myself blushing as I acknowledged his compliment. In fact, during the next few days all I could think of was the words he had spoken to me and I ran them through my head again and again, analyzing them to see if I had missed any of their meaning. I knew that despite the way I felt he had probably previously treated me badly, but I was impossibly in love with him. But that was ridiculous, would a man as attractive as Luke be interested in a woman like me?

I heard nothing from Luke for the rest of the week, so got up on Sunday and went to church as I normally do. Since Vanessa and I had parted I had gotten back into the habit of worship, maybe in contrast to her increasing agnosticism, although the first time I visited a church it felt very weird to walk in as the person that I now was. Now I had found a church I liked, where I could be anonymous, and where I could begin putting the spiritual pieces of my life back together. This particular Sunday morning I needed this more than normal, and slid thankfully into a pew near the rear, sank to my knees in prayer for a moment, then settled myself for the worship.

I had been raised a Presbyterian, had worked in a non-denominational congregation, but was now found myself attending a Catholic church. There was something about this style of worship that made sense of the confused and confusing life I had been living. It was also a place I could be anonymous. There was order and grace here, and there wasn't someone shouting at me every five minutes attempting to make me feel guilty. I was wearing a pretty green, pink, and white floral-patterned dress with a matching green jacket, and my shoes and handbag were white. Nice clothes like this made me feel comfortable and feminine, and I am sure they did something to enhance my sense of identity as a daughter of Eve.

When the service was over and I left church and walked down the steps and across the parking lot looking down at the ground and thinking. Suddenly there was a man standing right in front of me and I stopped, looked up, and found myself looking into the face of Dr. Luke Gordon.

"Oh, you startled me," I began, but got no further than that because Luke stepped forward, gathered me up in his arms and pressed his lips against mine. I felt my arms tighten around his neck and as he pursed his lips to kiss me a second time, I pursed mine to meet his. My heart was pounding and I could feel myself starting to shake as he drew me even closer to his body and I responded. It was then that I became aware of the stirring in his groins, his penis hardening as it pressed against my stomach. I had heard women say that men made them go weak at the knees but had never believed it – well, that is what happened when I felt Luke's response to my body. We must have kissed for several minutes before he let me go, smiled, and I commented, "I didn't know you were Catholic."

"Well, I am, but I don't go to church very often. However, this morning I had to come because I needed to sort something out with God," he said sheepishly.

"And what might that have been?" I asked, running my hand through my hair to get it out of my eyes.

He paused for a long moment then answered quietly, "Whether I should get married again."

Obviously I had misunderstood our conversation in the bistro – I was being gently put out to pasture. I shrugged, pulled away from him and started to walk toward my car.

"Don't you want to hear the conclusion I have come to?" he shouted after me.

I turned, shrugged, tears welling up, and said, "I hope you and the future Mrs. Gordon, whoever she is, are very happy together."

He looked heartbroken. "Susie, you aren't understanding me. Why do you think I kissed you like that? I want you to be the future Mrs. Gordon."

I was stunned when he said that, ran toward him, then buried my head in his chest and cried my eyes out. Finally, when the tornado had passed I looked into his eyes, wrapped my arms around his neck, and whispered, "Dr. Gordon, I would be honored to be Mrs. Gordon. Now, can I take you home and make you some breakfast?"

Luke and I sat and talked all morning and some of the afternoon. We didn't just talk, there was a lot of cuddling, kissing, and generally enjoying the proximity of the other. At about three we went to a jewelry store and there I let Luke choose the engagement ring he would give me. There in the store, when it had been sized properly, he went down on bended knee, asked for my hand in marriage, and when I gave it to him he slid the ring on. I could hardly believe what was happening to me.

Several hours later, as Luke and I sat in the car outside my apartment after having eaten a very lovely dinner together I asked him, "Are you sure that you want to marry someone like me?"

"Meaning?"

"A transsexual."

He looked over at me and smiled, "I don't see anything other than a beautiful woman with a lovely sweet and generous spirit. Yes, I want to marry such a woman with all my being."

I leaned over and kissed him. His arm slid round my shoulder and drew me to him, and as we kissed our tongues explored each other's mouth. Then I became conscious that he was fumbling with the zip down the back of my dress. Having slid it down I felt his hands groped for the clasp of my bra, which suddenly was undone and for a moment my heart missed a beat. Then I could feel my whole body quivering with anticipation as his hands explored the skin of my torso for the very first time. A man had never done this to me before and I snuggled in his arms almost breathless as his fingers slid softly over my skin, and then his hand enclosed one of my breasts. I let out a long satisfied sigh, and he immediately realized that was encouragement to go on.

My mind was racing, my heart was pounding and every nerve in my body seemed to doubly alive. This was so much better than the sense of arousal I received whenever I dilated myself, or lay back among the pillows with my dildo and fantasized about being made love to. Finally I let out a whisper, "Oh, Luke, I love you so, so much."

"And I love you, sweetheart," he whispered back, his hand finally creeping across my stomach and his fingers sliding under the waistband of my panties. My head was spinning by now and until that moment I had been paralyzed. It seemed that as his fingers moved toward my womanhood, all I wanted was to feel his manhood for myself so started to unzip his pants. I could feel him bulging. The only aroused male penis I had ever touched had once been my own, but now I was ready for the first time in my existence to grasp a man down there just as a woman should. I fumbled with his shorts as his fingers inched toward that part of me that was newest and yet of which I was most proud, and as he made contact with me, my hand closed around him with a resulting groan on his part.

I will never forget that moment, it was like a bolt of sensual lightening going through me. I cried out and then started panting, automatically moving my hand slowly up and down his shaft. "Oh, honey, that's lovely," he whispered.

I answered after a few minutes, "Luke, it's crazy to do this here, why don't you come up to my apartment?"

"Are you asking what I think you are asking?" I thought for a moment, grinned, then nodded. Two minutes later I was struggling with my key to let us in. I was an engaged woman, I wanted to share my body with my fiancé more than anything in the world. From the way his hands were fingering my butt as I unlocked the door, he was telling me that his self-control had run out of patience.

I grabbed his hand, pulled him into the bedroom and started unbuttoning his shirt. "You do, you do," I laughed as I helped him off with it.

"I do what?" he asked mystified.

"You have a hairy chest. It's adorable," I answered laying my head against his shoulder and running my fingers through the forest of chest hairs. Then I slid to my knees, unbuckled his belt, undid his pants and unzipped them, then finding the waistband of his shorts I pulled them down to his knees. "Oh, Luke, he's darling," I said, wrapping my hands around his penis and testicles, then kissed them.

"I'm glad you appreciate him."

"I will enjoy appreciating him for the rest of my life."

He smiled, stood me up, turned me round, unzipped my dress, and allowed it to fall around my ankles. "Mmmmm, matching lingerie… and pink, too. Delicious."

"I always color coordinate my undies," I giggled, "It is the sort of things that girls like me love doing. Do you know how freeing, feminine, girlie it feels to know that you are not only wearing something pretty underneath, but also that it works well with what you are wearing on top?"

He shook his head as he grinned from ear to ear and said, "I can see that I am going to enjoy this part of being married to you."

"I damned well hope so," I replied, shrugging off my bra and showing him my breasts for the very first time.

He stood back and looked at me standing there in panties and slip, and asked, "What does it feel like to have boobs?"

I shrugged, "The most natural thing in the world. When I was twelve or thirteen I used to make myself sick wishing I had boobs like the other girls. I would go to bed at night and pray to God that when I woke up in the morning I had breasts and a pussy rather than a deepening voice and a penis."

He gathered me into his arms, "Darling, I cannot even begin to imagine you with a penis. You are one of the most feminine creatures I have ever encountered in my whole life?"

"I am?" I responded, wrapping my arms around his neck and enjoying the kisses that he was planting just below my ear.

"Indubitably," he answered, "And I want to make love to you more than I have ever wanted with anyone else in my life." With those words I pulled back from him, slid my panties and slip off, and then stood there naked in front of him. He looked incredible, arms crossed and penis hard and at attention. There was a sense of pride and satisfaction that just by being me I could do this to him. New surges of feminine confidence washed over me and with my eyes I beckoned him over and suddenly our naked bodies were entwined.

I loved his masculine smell, but more than that I loved the feel of his male hardness pressed against my body, and I loved how secure I felt in his arms. I felt as if at that moment I was really becoming his. We kissed and cuddled as he guided me toward the bed and then gently lay me down on my back amidst the pillows. Looking down on me he said some wonderful lovely things, then was on top of me, holding me, kissing me, his hands exploring me, telling me I was beautiful, all this until my body was literally quivering with expectation.

"I'm ready for you," I whispered after what seemed like hours of wonderful foreplay, and reached into the drawer to find the lubricant. Kneeling between his legs I liberally lathered his male pole with Astroglide, something he much appreciated, and then we were ready to go.

I lay back down amidst the pillows, spread open my legs, and smiled up at my lover. In a moment his body had covered mine, and his penis searched feverishly for my womanhood. Then when he found it for the first time in my life I was being penetrated by a man, and not just any man, but one I loved, one who I was going to marry. Tears of joy filled my eyes. I was whole and complete at last. I had given my virginity to the man who loved me and would marry me. Like almost every other woman in the history of humankind I now knew what it was like to give pleasure to a man – how I wished I could bear that man's child.

The next three months moved fast and furiously. I can't tell you what a delight it was to call my mother the day after Luke and I had got engaged to tell her that I would be marrying one of the most eligible doctors in the hospital where I had once worked. My former colleagues there were stunned when I announced my engagement, because there had their bets on other women being the ones who would finally pin him down.

Luke had been asking me a lot about what made me tick and one evening and I confessed to him that my dream, even when I was still quite small, was to be a housewife and homemaker. "Then you should be a housewife and homemaker, my darling," he said to me.

*******

So, now that I was married here I was wandering around what was my home in my robe mentally checking off all the things I was going to do to get the house up to standard again. On my finger was a gold ring showing I belonged to the most wonderful man in the world, and in my heart was a sense of relief that I had finally found my niche and come home.

I sat down at the kitchen table and made a to-do list for the day, but got distracted as I had so many times before writing my name: Susan H. Gordon. It was so yummy. I cleared the breakfast things and realized that the house would need some cleaning, so slipped off my kimono and during the next hour whipped the vacuum around and dusted in the altogether. I loved being naked now that my body was right, and besides, housework can be hot and sweaty and it is much cooler and easier nude, then I went upstairs and ran myself a nice bath with sweetly perfumed bath oils.

When I had been married before one of the things that I had envied most in Vanessa was this delight she had in plopping into a perfumed bath and just relaxing. Now that I belonged to the distaff side of life, this was something that I could enjoy for myself – and enjoy it I did. I loved lying there deliciously feeling the soft sweet water wash against my now much softer body, there was something incredibly and satisfyingly sensuous about it without it necessarily being sexually arousing. Soaking in the tub, I had concluded, is the very essence of enjoyed femininity.

What I liked also was when Luke greeted me and kissed me and whispered, "Mmmm, I love you, and I love the way you smell."

After bathing I wrapped myself in a big yellow fluffy towel and went into the bedroom where my lingerie was already laid out on the bed. Today it was delicate ivory in color. Before we had married Luke had given me quite a lot of money to outfit myself, and these were some of the purchases. I loved nice clothes, and being married to an increasingly successful medical man had certain benefits, as the walk-in closet in the master suite illustrated. Luke had always been a little embarrassed by his late wife's lack of clothes sense, so being married to me, someone for whom the privilege of femininity carried with it the freedom to wear the most wonderful frocks, skirts, dresses, shoes, and so on, and so on, was a bonus to him.

"I'll be expensive and high maintenance," I had promised him, as he had lashed out a couple of thousand dollars for my wedding gown.

"It will be worth it," had been his response. I determined at that moment that I would always present myself in such a way that he would be proud of me. I think one of the reasons I had married Vanessa had been her love of clothes, and certainly, when I had been making the transition she had been an enormous help to me as I had gotten used to the fact that bras, panties, skirts, and the like are the way in which I always dress and express my individuality. Now I was in a position to buy the sort of garments that both Vanessa and I had always craved, but could never afford.

I hummed softly as I went about dressing, undergarments and over garments chosen with great care. I was visiting the hospital for the first time as Luke's wife, and I wanted to make the sort of impression that would make him proud of me. Cool, classy, classical, were the words that came to mind as I stood in bra and panties in my closet. I finally settled on a pretty silk chiffon dress in sunflower yellow that swished sensuously against my legs when I walked, and a stunning long mustard-colored jacket. I worked hard on my hair and makeup, so that when I walked out of the house I felt confident that my man would be satisfied with how I looked.

As I drove to the hospital in my brand-new Volkswagen Bug, I found myself pondering the exercise of getting up and dressing as a woman. A lot of the therapy I had had concentrated on how I felt about clothes. Was I interested in dressing as a woman because I got sexual pleasure out of wearing pretty things, or was I wearing women's clothes because I was at heart a woman and wanted to present as what I really was? I love the sensuality of dressing as a woman, it was true, but as we dug deeper it became increasingly obvious that the reason for this was that my whole identity was oriented in a feminine rather than a masculine manner.

I had started dressing as a girl as early as I could remember, and during those kiddie years I had been encouraged by my mother and sister who thought it cute. I loved wearing a little smocked dress that had been my sister's, and there was always something special about slipping into a pink girl's swimsuit that had been hers. It was considered so cute when I was little, but as I grew up it became first an embarrassment and then a worry. I remember overhearing my parents when I was about eleven or twelve discussing my preference for girls' games, girls' company, girls' books, girls' clothes, and my father trying to blame it on my mother that I was so twisted up.

That was when my feminine propensities went underground. I kept my desires hidden and learned how to "borrow" clothes, makeup, and stuff, without it being noticed. In fact, throughout my teens beneath the surface the character and personality of the person who would ultimately be the person I am, Susan Elizabeth Hammond, now Mrs. Luke Gordon. Susan went further underground in some ways while I was at college and when I got married, but she wouldn't go away, and all the time was developing and becoming more and more herself. Finally, on that dreadful night when I could no longer hide this Susan from Vanessa, the real me came sailing triumphantly out – and here she was driving to lunch with her husband.

Husband, now that's a word for a girl like me to conjure with. I didn't think much of being one, but if the first couple of weeks was anything to go by, I adored having one. A lot had happened in a very short time, and I was still catching up with it all. I was now a wife, another word to conjure with, and something for which I had pined my whole life.

This changed status was still growing on me, although my wedding band and engagement ring felt good and right on my finger. I laughed, this was the third time I had changed my name: those who steal identities would have trouble keeping up with me! I loved it when I was with Luke and he introduced the tall woman at his side to someone new with the words, "This is Susan, my lovely wife." Chills went up and down my spine with pride that this man had chosen me to be his life partner.

I maneuvered through light traffic that morning and got to the hospital 35 minutes before Luke would be ready for me, so went to talk to the women I had been working with until a few weeks ago. I hadn't really been all that excited by the job, but I did enjoy the company of my co-workers because this is the first time I had ever been accepted without question as a female into an all-female environment. Most of my friends were married with children, and so I learned a lot from them about husbands and family life.

As I walked into the office several of the girls saw me and let out a scream, and then they were all gathered round, hugging, kissing, congratulating me, and there were questions like, "What does it feel like to be Mrs. Luke Gordon?"

I grinned, "It is the most wonderful thing in the world."

When the fuss had died down, Mary Jane took me on one side and whispered, "You look stunning."

I hugged her, "Thank you, honey, I must say that I feel it."

"And now you can be what you always wanted to be – a housewife."

I nodded and sighed, and putting my hand on her wrist I answered, "I never thought I would marry a man so wonderful, and I certainly didn't think that I would ever be a kept woman!"

She smiled back, "It is lovely to see you so happy and self-confident, what a change from the timid creature who arrived here on her first day at work."

I shrugged, "Well, I was very nervous."

"With good reason, you were all a pretty daunting bunch for a girl like me," I said, sheepishly. Mary Jane was the only one who knew my whole story, and I was glad that I had told her about my past.

"Well, sweetie, you fitted in beautifully… and now look at you!" I nodded and felt a knot in my stomach, a lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes. Mary Jane saw what was happening to me, drew me to herself and hugged me. "Susie, you are perfect," she whispered. "You and Luke are going to have a very wonderful life together."

And she was right.

********

Luke and I have now been married five years, and if anything, I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. Ironically, it was a tragic mistake by Megan, Luke's daughter, that made our life so whole and complete. Just as she was graduating from college she announced she was pregnant. It seemed she had been having an affair with a married man and now he was dumping her and she was bearing his child. Seven months later little Sophie was born and Luke and I adopted her as our own. So, here we are in the prime of our lives, with a lovely home and a little blonde darling of 18 months who is the light and inspiration of our lives. What was it that my mother said about me being a tragic and lonely figure?

  

  

  

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