If Only

by Karen Anne Ames

 

Over the last twenty years of my life, I think that not ten waking minutes have elapsed when I have not wondered, or dreamed, or wished that I were different .... really different. I dream of what my life would have been like:

 

IF ONLY my birth certificate had said "female" instead of "male".

IF ONLY it had specified my name as Karen Anne and not the ugly male name written.

IF ONLY my parents had really understood how deeply my feelings really were.

IF ONLY they had realized what I was really a girl.

IF ONLY Mother had accepted what she saw the first time she caught me wearing one of her dresses.

IF ONLY she had not made me take it off immediately and then insist that Father punish me.

IF ONLY Father had not punished me for just trying to be myself.

IF ONLY I had the persistence to insist that I really WAS a girl instead of trying to suppress my true feelings to conform to the wishes of the people around me.

IF ONLY this body that I despise so much could become the body that I want it to be.

IF ONLY I could wake up some morning and find that I had finally become female .... truly female.

IF ONLY I had the softness, the shape, the outer form of a female to match my inner form and inner feelings.

IF ONLY, by whatever method, I could suddenly become a TRULY genetic female.

IF ONLY my breasts were a full "C" instead of an "A-".

IF ONLY this wig were truly my own hair, drifting softly over my shoulders.

IF ONLY I could buy and wear just a few of the pretty dresses and blouses and skirts that I see other women wearing each day.

IF ONLY I looked as good in jeans and a blouse as the girl down the street.

IF ONLY I could go to dances, movies, or just hang around watching television with my boyfriend.

IF ONLY he would ask me to marry him and be his wife forever.

IF ONLY I could be a bride and wear the prettiest wedding dress that money could buy.

IF ONLY we could go on our honeymoon, to a south seas island and be totally alone, to make passionate love until we were both exhausted.

IF ONLY I looked as good in my swimsuit as I really want to when I wear it.

IF ONLY I could make love to him like I really want to ..... and he would make love to me.

IF ONLY I could become pregnant and carry our baby until its birth.

IF ONLY we could have several children ..... and I were their natural mother.

IF ONLY I could start over again ........

IF ONLY ........

 

 

 

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