Chapter 65

As soon as we reached town I phoned for a taxi and we went directly to the Community Theatre. Marge and Barbara were, as always, playing cards in the Makeup room when we got there. I hadn't seen them in four months so we spent several minutes hugging when I arrived. Barbara and Marge were like aunts to me. I told Des that he could go for a walk if he wanted to, or was welcome to stay. He opted to go for a walk as I sat down to have a cup of tea.

"You look good, kiddo," Barbara said. "Where's the ring?"

That was Barbara, as direct as ever. "I'm not engaged. It was all a story created by the tabloids."

"But we saw the pictures."

"I was trying on a friend's ring and it got stuck. I know that you know how that can happen," making reference to the breast forms that had started me down this path. "I hurt my finger trying to get the ring off and it swelled up, so I had to wait for the swelling to go down. It took eleven days to get the ring off. We tried to explain to the press but you know how the tabloids are."

"Awww, we were hoping that it was real, and that that dream boat Oliver was your fiancé," Marge said.

"Just between us, it was his ring."

"His ring?" Barbara said excitedly. "Okay, give. Tell us the whole story."

I spent the next ten minutes relating the events as they occurred.

"So he really does want to marry you?" Marge asked.

"I would say so. He keeps asking every time we're alone together."

"That's nice. But you don't love him?"

"Marge, I can't get married."

"Why not? Ohhh, right!"

"I told him that I'm not ready for marriage and won't be for years, but he says that he'll wait. I don't want to hurt him because I care for him. He's one of my best friends."

"The best way to ruin a good friendship is to get married," Barbara tossed in.

"Is not," Marge said. "The best marriages are the ones where the two people are good friends before the marriage. The ones built on lust fall apart quickly. If you're good friends than the marriage can be wonderful and last a lifetime."

"This has nothing to do with friendship, it's about sex. I don't have any."

"Isn't it about time that you took care of that," Barbara said. "You can't go through life as a Barbie doll."

"I can't decide what I should do."

"Do what your heart tells you," Marge said.

"I don't know what it's saying."

"Want some help?" Barbara asked.

"I'd love some."

"Okay, tell us what you like about being a woman."

"Well- I like the closeness that I enjoy with my sister and my mom, and my aunt. And with both of you of course. I like being an actress, and the range of emotions I can show. I like being able to dress up in beautiful gowns, or dress down in jeans. I like being able to hug and kiss small children without people wondering if I'm a pedophile. I- guess that those are the main things."

"And if you were to become a man, what would you like about it?"

"I- would like- not having to shave my legs or armpits. Except then I'd have to shave my face every day, so scratch that. Uh- I'd like being able to eat more food- but even an actor has to carefully watch his weight, so scratch that. I- like the freedom that I'd have, but I guess that as a famous person I'd still need a bodyguard, so scratch that. I- can't think of anything that I can't do as a woman."

"Now, which would you rather be?"

I sighed. "I guess that I'd be happier as a woman. But that doesn't address my worst fear. What would happen if I completed the transition and found that I didn't enjoy sex with men?"

"Then have sex with women."

"Become a lesbian?"

"If that's what you want, why not. You wouldn't have any trouble finding partners. Not in la-la land."

I giggled out of nervousness. "Look what happened to Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres after they announced that they were gay. Their careers plummeted."

"Who's to say that that wouldn't have happened anyway?" Barbara said. "Maybe it had nothing to do with their lifestyle. Maybe it was their shove-it-in-your-face attitudes. Perhaps if they were a little more discrete, no one would ever have given it a second thought."

I nodded. "Maybe."

"Listen, kiddo, it sounds to me like you've made up your mind already. All you need is the push to go have the final step done. And then start wearing that engagement ring."

I thought for a few seconds. "Thank you, thank you both. You've helped me see things more clearly. You always have such good advice." I stood up and hugged Barbara, and then Marge.

"Come on, kiddo. Let's go fit your dress for the ceremony. This year you're going to go home with the award. The other pictures were all stinkers compared to the great job that you did."

We walked to the wardrobe room and I undressed as Barbara brought out the gown. I caught my breath as I saw it. It was a strapless bustier gown made from raspberry colored iridescent satin. The floor length dress had rhinestone piping with a flared asymmetrical top skirt and ruffled underskirt.

"Oh, Barbara, it's beautiful. I don't know how you manage to outdo yourself with each new creation. You're a absolute genius."

"You won't get an argument from me. Raise your arms."

I put my arms up and Barbara lowered the dress over me. Then she began pulling and tugging and she began the fitting.

"Good thing that your mother told me how tight that Christmas costume was on you. I allowed a little more room around your middle."

"I know. I'm getting too fat."

"You're not fat. Your waistline has just increased a couple of inches. It's still only twenty-three inches."

"It's been growing ever since I stopped wearing the corset. I guess that things are shifting back where they came from. Maybe it'll shrink again once I start the picture in October. I'm sure that I'll be wearing a corset most of the week."

"You're getting older, hon. You can't expect to stay a twenty-one waist forever. That's for teenagers and you ain't one any longer."

I sighed. "I know. I've got five more years and I'm over the hill as far as good parts are concerned."

Barbara started laughing so hard that she had to stop and go sit down for minute. "You're priceless. You think that you're going to be washed up in five years?"

"Maybe not washed up, but I won't have the pick of scripts like I do now."

"Stop it. You're getting better with every part. You're were a natural, but you're still learning the business and refining your techniques. I can see a difference in each new movie. Very subtle differences to be sure, but they're there never-the-less. In five years you'll be better than you are today, not worse."

"But the parts are written for attractive eighteen-year-olds. Not fat, over-twenty-sixers."

Barbara laughed again. "You're too much. I just want you to promise me that you won't get into that bulimia nonsense where you eat too much and then force yourself to vomit to purge the food."

"I promise, I hate vomiting. I just eat moderate amounts, although I admit that there are times when I'd love to pig-out, especially on holidays when we have all my favorite foods."

Barbara had resumed work on the gown again, marking and pinning as she worked.

"Okay, let me sew up the alterations. There's a dressing gown hanging on the rack over there."

Barbara helped me remove the dress and I put on the robe. Since she would have to concentrate on her sewing, I went back to sit and talk with Marge.

After about an hour, Barbara came in and sat down. We talked while she had a cup of tea and then we returned to the wardrobe room for another fitting. It seemed perfect to me but Barbara wasn't satisfied so she did some more marking and pinning and then sewing.

Two more fittings finished the work on the gown. Barbara had made a pair of opera length gloves using the same fabric as the dress and had selected some gold jewelry to go with the gown. A large collection of beautiful, imitation jewelry had been donated to the theatre some years before. The gold settings were real and beautiful, but the stones were all fake. Still, because of the high quality of the settings, it took an expert with a jeweler's loupe to identify the pieces as imitation. Barbara gave me a beautiful necklace that looked like it came from some European country's crown jewels, matching earrings, and a two-inch wide bracelet. It looked like I was wearing a million dollars worth of gems when it fact the jewelry represented the tiniest of fractions of that amount. For shoes, Barbara had found a pair with three inch heels that matched the color of the dress almost perfectly. They raised me to the perfect height for the length of the dress.

When I was completely dressed, Barbara called to Marge. Marge came in and her mouth dropped. "Crystal, you're a vision. You really look like a princess in that gown. The other attendees are going to be green with envy."

I giggled. "Too bad that Barbara can't get an academy award for the gowns that she creates."

"I keep telling her that she should move to California. With all the publicity that you've been giving her over the past few years, she'll have no trouble finding customers for her creations."

"Bah," Barbara said. "I couldn't live out there. Most of the people are as plastic as their money. I'm ecstatic that Crystal has remained as real as she was."

"I don't have much contact with them except on the set. I don't go to the parties or functions unless I have to."

"That's the difference," Barbara said. "Your family keeps you real by not treating you like a celebrity. You're just a twenty-year-old girl to them."

"I don't think that most of the people are really phony. That's just a mask that they put on whenever they're with the media, or people that they don't know. Behind closed doors they're as real as anyone else. It's just that after a while you learn that the mask is needed to protect yourself. Reporters are quick to jump on any misspoken word or action."

"It's still not for me. I'm happy working here, and the extra money that you give me for making your gowns enables Marge and I to have a nice night out every week. Why should I get involved in the rat race?"

"Okay, Barb, but if you ever change your mind, I'll set you up in business out in California."

"Thanks, kiddo. What time is your flight?"

"There's a flight to Chicago in about two hours, and then the last flight for the day is in about five hours."

"Then let's start getting you together so that you can catch the next flight. I'm sure that you're anxious to get going so that you don't wind up getting in at midnight."

With Barbara's help I removed the gown and put my skirt and blouse back on. Barbara put the gown into the travel bag that I had brought along to protect it and the other things went into my carry on case. We had time to sit and talk for another ten minutes as we waited for the taxi to arrive. Des had been sitting in the audience seating while I was getting fitted, and then had gone to watch for the cab when I told him that I had called for it. When he came to get me I said my good-byes to Barbara and Marge and we left for the airport. The cab driver kept up a running dialog of how great my pictures were all the way to drop off curb. I gave him my autograph and promised to send him a picture after he gave me his address.

We picked up our tickets at the check-in counter and went to the security gate. We placed all our bags on the conveyor and then walked through the metal detector. Des had to remove his shoes because they had metal toe protectors in each. I walked over to the conveyor to wait for my carryon as he put his shoes back on. An inspector was going through my bag and signaled to a state police officer to come over. When the officer reached him, the inspector handed him the jewelry case containing the necklace, earrings, and bracelet.

The officer looked at it suspiciously and said, "Is this your jewelry, Miss?"

"No, it's not. It's on loan. I'm going to be wearing it at the Academy Awards ceremony on Sunday."

The officer scowled and then stiffened. He reached up and raised his mirrored sunglasses and looked at me as I raised my sunglasses. "Oh my God. I'm sorry, Miss Ramsey. I didn't recognize you." He closed the case quickly and handed it back to the inspector who put it back into my bag and zipped it closed. The state police officer said, "You know, you shouldn't be traveling with that kind of jewelry on your person."

"It's alright officer, this rather large gentleman behind me is my bodyguard. He'll see that nothing happens."

The officer looked up at Des, then back to me. "Yes, ma'am. He looks very competent. Good luck at the awards ceremony. We'll be rooting for you. I loved the movie, by the way."

I said, "Thank you, officer," as I put the strap of the carry-on on my shoulder. Des picked up the travel bag containing the gown.

Now that I had been publicly identified, a lot of people were gawking at me. I ignored them and continued on. There wasn't an Admiral's club at this small airport so we had to wait in the regular seating area but Des would see that I wasn't molested. He didn't even sit down, preferring to stand next to me with a piercing stare. I was able to relax and enjoy the magazine that I had picked up as people stared at me from their seats. A couple of young girls came over for autographs, but I think that Des intimidated others who would have come over.

We arrived at LAX just after eight p.m. local time and found Carol there, waiting to meet us, with the mini-van. We could have taken a commuter flight up to the Santa Barbara airport, but with the waiting time involved it was actually quicker terminating our flight here.

*****

I had several days before the Academy ceremony so I helped Carol with her movie project. The film had been developed and edited by now, and while I was away, she and her friends had turned part of the basement into a sound-proofed studio. The basement had been completely cleaned and painted when the house was renovated, so they only had to construct some walls and mount the soundproofing material. Mom had used the household account for the materials, and Carol's friends had worked for food and beverages.

Sharon had come up and done her voice over work a week earlier, and now it was my turn. The movie was projected onto a screen in the studio and I listened to Sharon's voice over work on headphones, while filling in my portion. It only took several hours on Thursday to record my voice for the scenes with the twins. Carol would now take the recorded tapes down to the school and dub them into the movie.

*****

On Friday I went to visit Dr. Roman. I was almost completely out of the medicine that he prescribed for me and I needed them to suppress all sexual arousal. I was shown right into an examination room when I arrived, and told to disrobe. I removed my clothes, putting on the hospital gown left for me, and waited for Dr. Roman to come in. I only had to wait a few minutes.

"Good morning, Crystal," Dr. Roman said as he entered.

"Good morning, Dr. Roman."

"So, have you made a decision about your future?"

"Yes," I said, with as much conviction as I could muster. "I've decided to proceed with the transition. But I'm almost out of the medicine you prescribed, so I need a refill to carry me through until I can complete the surgery."

"Wonderful, when would you like to schedule the SRS?" Doctor Roman opened a folder that he had carried in and began to write. I assumed that it was my folder.

"How about- next March?"

Dr. Roman stopped writing and looked at me. "Next March? A year from now? Is this another delaying tactic?"

"No," I said with conviction. "I'm just too busy right now. I'm in the middle of making an action-adventure movie in the Caribbean. As soon as it's done, I have to head to Europe to start an action-comedy, and as soon as that's done I have another movie starting in Virginia. Next March is the soonest that I can schedule a recuperation period."

"I see," Dr. Roman said thoughtfully. "And you've definitely decided to proceed. No more stalling after this?"

"Definitely no more stalling."

"Very well. I'll give you a prescription that will get you through next March, but this is positively the last one."

"Thank you, Dr. Roman."

Dr. Roman gave me a complete physical and declared me to be in excellent health. Before we said goodbye, he wrote the prescription.

On the way home, Des stopped so that I could have the prescription filled. He had waited in the car while I went into the doctor's office and now I waited in the car while he went into the pharmacy. The prescription was made out to C. Ramsey so that the pharmacist wouldn't make a connection to me.

Saturday was a day to relax and I started it with an early morning swim and then lazed about for the rest of the day, spending part of the time re-reading over the revised script for the balance of the movie, and practicing my lines.

*****

On Sunday morning I went down to visit the same hairdresser, Vivian, who had done my hair before the last award ceremonies. I had contacted her as soon as I had been nominated so that I could make the special Sunday appointment. She was too far away for me to go to regularly since I moved, but she understood and said that she was happy just to do my hair once each year. I was going to wear my hair up this year, for a very formal look. Des waited in the chair because he didn't like the chemical smells in the salon. Vivian's assistant would do my nails as Vivian did my hair.

When my hair and nails were done, we drove over to the condo so that I could dress. Alan would pick us up there with the limo.

I was almost ready when Alan arrived. I heard Des let him in and then I heard normal conversation. I hurried to finish my make-up and join the boys in the living room. We talked for a few minutes, and then left for the ceremonies.

With most ceremonial gatherings, once you've been to one, most of the excitement is gone. That wasn't true with the Academy awards. I felt almost as nervous this time as I had the first time. The main difference was that I was now more comfortable in the presence of my peers. I was older and I knew that I was really one of them now, not an outsider looking to join some elite club.

Exiting the limo was the same as always. Bright flashes from photographers started bathing us as soon as the door was open. I had purposely removed my left glove so that there would be no question as to whether or not I was wearing a ring. As Alan and I walked up the red carpet, we were stopped several times by reporters. I smiled as I answered their questions, including the one about my 'reported' engagement. I explained over and over that I was only trying on a friend's ring and it got stuck. Only one reporter asked me whose ring it was and I responded that I didn't care to involve anyone else in the ridiculous story.

Once inside I greeted, and was greeted by, other actors on a first name basis, even though we weren't really friends. It was simply done that way by virtue of our common occupation and celebrity. When we were escorted to our seats, I found Herb Dresen, the producer, and his wife already seated in the row. I introduced Alan and we talked about the picture, its box office numbers, the reviews by critics, and the picture's chance for an Oscar. We were joined by Stephen Charles, the director, and his girlfriend and the conversation started over again.

The Academy ceremony is quite long and the awards that are considered the most important are left to last. Of the three nominations, 'Princess to the Mob' won 'Film Editing', but lost 'Directing', and the third nomination, 'Best Actress', had yet to be announced. When they reached the 'Best Actress' category they showed clips of each movie and then the cameras zoomed in on each of the actresses faces as the winner was announced. I held my breath as they read, "And the winner is- " and then read someone else's name. I smiled widely and applauded as the winner hurried to the stage. It was her moment now and I was happy for her, but a little disappointed that I had lost again.

It was nice that the picture had won one award, and nice that I now had three nominations, even if I hadn't actually won the award. I wondered what the papers would say tomorrow about my consistently being passed over. I also wondered if my isolationism was in any way responsible for the way that the academy voted.

After the ceremony, we went on to one of the parties but I wasn't into it so I thanked Alan for escorting me and left. We sent the limo back to wait for Alan after we reached the condo, and Des drove us back to the estate. I didn't even take time to change.

It was still early when I got home so everyone was up. They commiserated with me and told me how lovely I looked on television. I thanked them and went up to change. After removing the gown I decided to take a long hot bath. It relaxed me and I felt better afterwards. Instead of going back downstairs, I just climbed into bed and went to sleep.

*****

I awoke early and swam some laps before breakfast. Mom was in the family dining room when I made my way there after my swim.

"Good morning, sweetheart," she said as I came in."

"Morning, Mom."

"Feeling better?"

"Yes, I guess so."

"Are you too disappointed over not winning?"

"I'm a little disappointed. The first year I didn't expect to win at all, so it wasn't much of a loss. The second time, I felt that I had a chance, so I was a little disappointed. This time I knew that I had a good chance. I'm established and the pictures that I've been in do very well with the movie-going public. But, three nominations in a row and I've come up empty."

"What happened to, 'I'm just happy to be nominated'?"

"I was, but I guess that I thought I'd eventually win."

"You will, honey. Maybe next year."

"Maybe. I've reached a decision though. I'm not going to attend the ceremony if I'm involved in a picture. I'm not going to fly all the way back here from across the country, or across the ocean, just to see someone else collect the award. If I'm not working, and I'm here at the estate, maybe I'll go. Otherwise, they can get by without me. I won't be missed."

"What if you win?"

"They can mail me the statue."

"That doesn't sound like you."

I was quiet for a minute. "I guess that I'm just frustrated. I've been nominated three years in a row and haven't won. If I get nominated again next year, I'd be embarrassed to show up. What if I didn't win again? I'm becoming the Susan Lucci of movies.

"You mean the soap opera star?"

"Yes, the actress who plays Erica Kane on All My Children. She was nominated for an Emmy eighteen times and didn't win. Finally, in 1999, on her nineteenth nomination, she received her first award."

"You know, Bette Davis was nominated for Best Actress in 1939, 40, 41, 42, and again in 1944 without winning one of them. In fact, she had ten nominations but only won twice. I heard that last night."

"I know. And Marlon Brando was nominated for Best Actor in 1951, 52, 53, and 54, but didn't win until 1954. He won twice with eight nominations. And Richard Burton and Peter O'Toole were each nominated seven times but never won at all. I know all the trivia, Mom."

"So maybe you just have to be patient. Your day will come."

"I'll be patient. I'm just not going to fly all over the world trying to get here for the ceremony. I've done it three times now, and that's enough. I might be like Richard Burton or Peter O'Toole and never win."

Mom dismissed my comment with "Okay, dear," then asked, "What time do you have to leave today?"

"We should leave for the airport by ten this morning. Our bags were sent on ahead with the crew so we're traveling light. You'll see that the jewelry is Fed Ex'd back to the theatre?"

"Of course. I'll call Barbara and tell her when to expect it. I want to talk to her anyway. I want to tell her what a wonderful job she did on this year's gown. It was the most beautiful gown at the ceremony. The reporters all commented on how beautiful you looked."

"She really outdid herself. The gown is a dream. I told her that anytime she wants to move to California, I'll set her up in business, but I don't think that she'll ever leave the theatre."

"I think that you're right, but she seems a little depressed about the theatre's popularity these days."

"They just need to get back to mainstream plays. That's what people there will come to see. Somebody has to talk with Neil."

"How about you?"

"I don't think that he'd listen to me. He was a member of the theatre company long before I joined. It would have to come from someone like Mr. Tucker."

"Maybe you could speak to him and ask him to talk with Neil?"

"Okay, I'll see what I can do."

"I'll tell Barbara that you're working on it."

"What's for breakfast?"

"Eggs, bacon, sausage, French toast, or cereal. What would you like?"

"I think French toast and breakfast sausages."

"Okay, I'll tell Mrs. McGuire. I was just going for tea anyway."

After breakfast I showered and dressed, and then Mom and Aunt Jess drove us down to the airport in the minivan. We didn't have any problem at the security gate this time, and went directly to the Admirals club to wait for our plane. After spending most of the day either in the air or waiting for our connection in Miami, we finally arrived in St. Croix.

A limo picked us up at the airport and brought us to the house in Frederiksted that had been rented for me. Our suitcases were waiting for us and I unpacked before climbing into bed.

*****

The movie's water shots were to be taken off the west end of the island, at a site prepared by the advance people, but during the first couple of weeks we concentrated on shooting the shots aboard the boat. When I wasn't needed in scenes, I spent time with the professional divers hired for the movie, improving my limited scuba skills. I had always loved swimming and I took to the underwater activity like a, dare I say it, duck to water. Underwater swimming in the ocean wasn't anything like my introduction to scuba in the pool. It was like opening up a new world, and I had to constantly remind myself not to get carried away, and to pay attention to things like my depth and the amount of air remaining.

*****

Two weeks after we started shooting, Sharon showed up. She was stunting for me on the picture and I had invited her to stay in the house with Des, Mrs. McGuire, and me. The house only had three bedrooms so Sharon would share the king-sized bed in my room. It was the first time that I had slept in the same bed with a woman who wasn't a blood relative, or for that matter, any person who wasn't a blood relative.

It was great having Sharon for company during the workweek, and on Sundays we toured the island looking for interesting places or shops. The weeks on the beautiful island flew by and before I knew it, it was time to leave for home. Whether it was the great cast and crew that we had, the location, the underwater swimming, or the fact that Sharon was there with me, I enjoyed making the picture more than any other that I had done. Probably, it was a combination of the four.

We had a nice party on the evening of our last day, and with the movie wrapped up, we could relax and begin to resume our normal lives. Sharon had actually finished a week earlier, but she stayed to be with me, and so that we could fly home together.

*****

Arriving back in California on Thursday, we dropped Sharon off at home first, taking an hour to see the twins and have a cup of tea. Mom had come down with the estate's mini-van, and Des had struggled to pack it. A lot of the luggage went up onto the roof rack so that we had enough room left inside for five adults. Until we reached Sharon's house, we were packed in like sardines. Des stayed with the van while Mom, Mrs. McGuire, and me visited with Sharon. Then it was time to head up to the estate and we said good-bye to Sharon, the twins, and Mrs. Bradley, the nanny. Mrs. Bradley had moved into the house now and was the full time nanny for the girls. It gave Sharon the flexibility to take whatever stunt work came her way. Roy was rarely at home anymore. He still came home for the more important holidays though.

*****

It was great to be home. The picture had wrapped up just in time for me to attend Carol's graduation. I had thought that I might have to take time off and return to complete the movie, but the weather had behaved and we had finished the shooting ahead of schedule.

While I had been on St. Croix, Mom had traveled to Aunt Jessica's house and helped her pack her things. Aunt Jess had finished up with her employer and once her things were packed and aboard the moving van, she and Mom came back to the estate. Her house was placed with a realtor and she could handle the sale from California.

Dad arrived about eight thirty on Friday night and George had driven down to pick him up at the airport. Dad had flown in for just the weekend to attend Carol's graduation.

On Friday night we got a personal screening of Carol's senior project. Carol had set up the projector and a large screen in the ballroom for the presentation. We made popcorn and then sat down to watch the movie. The twins were adorable in their little 'spy' outfits and, with the voices dubbed over, the movie was hilarious. We watched the short three times, enjoying it as much the third time as the first. Carol had received an 'A+' on the project. She had had a crew to help with the shooting, but she had written the script, produced, directed, and edited the movie herself. She wasn't ready to direct a big budget movie yet, but it looked like the potential was there, if she wanted to go in that direction.

*****

On Saturday, Mom, Dad, Aunt Jess, and I went down to see Carol get her diploma. Des came along even though we only had four tickets. The attendant at the gate allowed Des in after I explained that he was my bodyguard, and I promised that Des wouldn't sit in a reserved seat. He stood behind the rows of seats. Dad was sitting right next to me so I wasn't worried about anyone annoying me. I had my sunglasses on, as did most of the audience, and I knew that people were thinking more about the graduation then about celebrities in the audience.

After the graduates filed onto the field, the ceremony began, and we listened to the speeches attentively, but anxious for the diploma part to begin. Finally it was Carol's turn to receive her diploma. Mom had brought her camera, along with a telephoto lens, and must have snapped about a dozen pictures during the 15 seconds that Carol was center stage.

As the ceremony closed, some of the graduates flipped their mortarboard hats into the air, while most just whooped and screamed. Then they all moved out to join family and friends. We at last got to meet the parents of Carol's roommate, Samantha, and a number of the parents of her other friends also. I guess that my being an actress drew her friends to her so that they could at last meet me in person. I had actually met very few of them before since I hadn't been down to the campus very much.

As the crowds started to disperse, I invited Samantha and her family to join us for lunch. I had reserved a private room at a restaurant where we had had one of the movie signings. They agreed to come and Des gave them directions to the restaurant, in case they lost us in traffic. We were a little crowded in the BMW, so Carol rode over with Sam's family in their SUV.

The private room in the restaurant was all ready and we were escorted directly there. Everyone placed his or her order and then we talked, as the food was prepared. When the meals were delivered we had a toast to the new graduates, using everyone's beverage of choice. Sam had a job waiting as an intern at an advertising agency in LA and Carol was coming to Europe with Mom, Aunt Jess, and me, before starting her a job hunt.

We had a small party for Carol once we got back to the estate. I had thought a lot about whether I should give her a major gift such as new car. I certainly have the means, but I remembered how happy she was when she bought her own first car with money that she had earned, so I decided not to. She seemed happy with the clothes and jewelry that she received from us.

*****

Dad left Sunday night so that he could be back at work Monday morning. I had two weeks before I had to be in England to begin work on the next picture, but I would have to spend it doing a promo tour for the soon to be released, 'Weep for the Lonely Hearts' movie.

*****

The next two weeks flew by as I hurried around the country doing guest spots on news and talk shows to introduce the new movie. The tour culminated with the movie's premier, and another all-day interview session with the press. I had barely found time to travel down to visit with Barbara and Marge while in Chicago, but I had to make time so that I could pick up the gown that Barbara had made for me.

As usual I found them playing cards in the makeup room. We talked about my career and what was going on in the Community Theatre before going to the wardrobe room for the fittings and alterations.

"Mr. Tucker stopped in a few weeks ago," Marge said as Barbara sewed.

"Mr. Tucker came here?"

"Yes. He asked about you. He wanted to know if you were happy?"

"And you said?"

"I said, who wouldn't be happy? Are you happy?"

I looked down at the floor and thought for a few seconds before answering. "Who wouldn't be happy?"

Marge looked at me closely. "What's the matter, honey?"

"Everything is great. I have a great career and a good life."

"But you're not happy."

"I'm as happy as anyone else, I guess."

"But you're not happy."

"I guess that I'm lonely. I have Mom and Carol, and Aunt Jess is with us now, but I still feel lonely."

"What about your young man?"

"Oliver?"

Marge nodded.

"He's busy with his show and I've been busy with my career. Besides, I don't want to stir up the rumor pool again, so I've been avoiding him when I've been home."

"What about girlfriends?"

"Sharon is really my only girlfriend and she's busy with her kids most of the time. We had a great time down in the Caribbean, but that's done now, and I haven't seen Debbie since I moved to California. Either she's too busy or I am."

"Then you have to start getting out more. Stop hiding in that palace of yours and get out and mingle with the little people. Get involved with civic and charity projects. They'd love to have a famous spokesperson like Crystal Ramsey, and you'll meet people who aren't there just to get close to you. They're there to give of themselves. Just avoid the parties, nightspots and celebrity functions so that you don't get caught up in the phony glitz."

"You're probably right. What else did Mr. Tucker talk about?"

"He told us about his work. He's teaching drama at The Actor's Training Stage in New York now and was in between sessions so he took a little trip to visit us. He was offered the job after the school administrator saw an interview by you where you credited Mr. Tucker with teaching you how to act."

"Wonderful. I do owe everything to Mr. Tucker. I remember the first day that I came here." I had to smile as I remembered my first day at the theatre. "Mr. Tucker told me about Stage Left and Stage Right. I didn't even know that much. Is he happy?"

"It seems so. He misses his mother, naturally, but says that he loves his job. It makes sense. Most of what a director in a community theatre job does is teach non-professionals how to act, but now he gets paid quite well for doing what he did here for a pittance."

"It's nice to know where he's working. I'm going to stop in to see him the next time that I'm in New York. I'll be back on the East Coast in October to start work on a picture in Virginia."

"I'm sure that he'd love to have you drop by."

"Okay, kiddo," Barbara said holding up the gown, "step up on the platform again so we can see how this fits now."

*****

I arrived in England the following week with my entourage, consisting of Mom, Carol, Aunt Jess, Mrs. McGuire, and Des. A studio representative was waiting with two limos and we went directly to the house that had been rented for me. It was a nice, two story, Tudor style less than three kilometers from the studio. It only had five bedrooms so Mom and Aunt Jess shared one. Normally Carol and I would have shared but I was here to work and I would be studying in my room at nights and rising very early.

*****

I had a full day off to get used to the time zone change before I reported to the set. The limo arrived at 8 a.m. to pick me up and I was at the studio by 8:30. A production assistant showed me to my trailer I settled down to relax with a cup of tea as I looked through a revised script. The PA came back a little after 9 o'clock to show me to the meeting room where the first cast meeting was being held.

As I entered the room I saw eight people seated around a large table. The director, Winston Blogett, whom I had met at the signing ceremony in LA, stood to greet me and then introduced me all around. I had just taken my seat when Cole Griffith came in. Mr. Blodgett greeted him and again performed the introductions. Cole said hello to everyone and then came over by me and asked the actor next to me if he wouldn't mind moving over to an empty seat. The actor complied and Cole took the now empty seat next to me.

"Hi Crys."

"Hi Cole."

"It's great to see you again."

"Same here. It's been a long time. I'm happy that we could work together again. And I'm even happier that it isn't outdoors in New York City in mid-winter."

Cole smiled. "It was a bit nippy there. I think that we'll have a lot of fun making this picture."

"That's what we all hope," Mr. Blodgett said. "Shall we get started."

Mr. Blodgett spent about an hour giving us his interpretation of the movie and going through the shooting schedule. We would do many of the interior scenes in England, but we would also spend a lot of time traveling around the continent for exterior establishing shots and special interior shooting. It seemed like we'd be lucky to get all the shooting completed in four months.

We spent the rest of the day reading through the script. I had lunch with Cole in his trailer, even though mine was much larger, and then we resumed work in the afternoon.

*****

The movie was a romantic comedy so I would be on screen with Cole through much of the film. We didn't actually do any kissing during the initial read-throughs but we made up for it once the rehearsals started. The script called for us to kiss at every opportunity and Cole seemed to enjoy that part of the rehearsals best. When we weren't kissing, Cole usually had his arm around me, or stood behind me with both arms around my shoulders or waist, holding me against his body. If we were walking he held my hand. I began to wonder if he was trying to get the tabloids to report a connection between us, or if he was genuinely attracted to me. I guess that it didn't make any difference. I liked Cole. He was fun to be around, and while I never encouraged his amorous actions, I didn't push him away either. Whenever he kissed me off camera I simply let him, and occasionally I would kiss back if I didn't think that it would immediately lead to more serious action.

As I expected, within a few weeks the tabloids were reporting on the torrid romance between Cole and myself. One even reported that they had learned that Cole was the fiancé whose ring I had worn at the beginning of the year. They said that we were secretly married now but wanted to keep the wedlock a close secret. They claimed that they were negotiating to purchase pictures of the wedding. Like all the previous reports I simply ignored them as Jennifer issued press releases that Cole and I were just old friends who happened to be making a romantic movie together.

*****

We normally started work early and finished late so there wasn't much time for socializing off the set, but after a month of work Cole invited me out on a Saturday night. I surprised myself by accepting and he picked me up about seven. Carol had helped me get ready and selected my tightest dress and highest heels. It wasn't as bad as the skirts and dresses that I had worn when I was going out with Bradley, the ones that had barely allowed me to walk, but it didn't seem to far removed.

Cole took us to a restaurant first where we enjoyed a delicious salmon dinner and then he took me to a club that he said he frequented. The people at the door ushered us in around scores of people waiting to get in and I was surprised by the number of people already inside and the volume of the music.

I had one drink and began to feel the effects so I switched to sparkling water after that. Cole continued to drink and I tried to curb his drinking by dragging him to the dance floor as much as possible. We were being driven in a chauffeured limo, but I didn't want Cole to get too much out of control. We still had three months to work together and I wanted us to remain good friends without any embarrassing incidents between us.

We stayed at the club until almost 3 a.m. and I was glad that Cole wasn't driving because of the number of drinks that he had put away. He hadn't reached the point where he would be sick, but he was feeling very amorous and I had my hands full on the hour-long drive back to my house.

As soon as the car had pulled away from the club, Cole leaned over and began to kiss me deeply. His breath was so thick with the taste of scotch that I began to wonder if I could get drunk from that alone as his tongue probed every square millimeter of my mouth and throat. He stopped only long enough to reposition us with him on top of me. I decided that as long as he was just kissing me, I would let him position us to be comfortable, but it wasn't long before he started to use his hands to caress my body. I tried to control him but he was still very fast, considering the amount of alcohol that he had consumed. With his weight on top of me, I was limited as to how much I could do, but when he tried to pull up the hem of my dress I grabbed his hand and refused to let him. He finally stopped trying and resumed caressing my arms and breasts again.

I thought that I had made my intentions known, but Cole wasn't one to give up. If he couldn't reach my restricted area, he intended to satisfy his passion another way. I thought that he was just shifting to get more comfortable as he licked my tonsils, but he was actually working on his own zipper. Once it was down, he pulled my hand down to his crotch. As soon as I touched it I knew what he wanted. I yanked my hand back and pushed him up off of me.

"Cole, either put that away, or I'm going to ride up front with the driver."

"Oh, Crys, honey. I need some relief. If you don't want to make love, at least help me relax. You're the one responsible for my being so horny. I get excited every time I kiss you."

"I'm not a play toy for your pleasure, Cole."

"That hurts, honey. I know that you're not a toy. I just thought that you felt the same way that I do."

"Just because I kiss on the first date, doesn't mean that I go all the way."

"You're right. I was outta line. I'm sorry." Cole shifted around and I heard his zipper close. "There, all buttoned up. Do you forgive me?"

"As long as you understand that I don't sleep around. I'm not easy."

"I understand. It won't happen again. I promise."

There were a few moments of awkward silence and then I said, "Okay, I forgive you then."

"Uh, are you saving yourself for marriage?"

That sounded like a plausible excuse. "Yes. With all the diseases that are spreading, I'm not taking any chances of becoming infected through one-night stands or casual sex."

"You're the first girl that I've met in a long time that feels that way."

"I'm sorry if you're disappointed."

"I'm not disappointed. Well, yes, I guess that I am disappointed one way, but I'm also impressed with you. Very impressed."

"Because I won't have sex with you?"

"Because you're not having sex with anyone. Other girls have refused to have sex with me. Not often, but it's happened. You're the kind of girl that guys want to bring home to meet the family."

I was thinking about what Cole had said when he leaned over and began to kiss me again. As long as he understood the ground rules I had no problem with a little light wrestling and I kissed him back. His tongue once again invaded my mouth and explored the interior. In short order he became aroused again and I could feel him stiffen against my leg, but he didn't try to pull up my dress or lower his zipper.

It must have been 4 a.m. when we reached the house and I thought that Cole would want to leave as quickly as possible to seek some relief from his problem, but he continued to lay on top of me and lick the interior of my mouth while caressing my breasts and body.

The first faint rays of morning light were illuminating the sky when Cole finally pulled back from my face. "You excite me in ways that I haven't been excited in a very long time. I think that I'm falling in love with you. In fact I know that I'm falling in love with you. I was even before tonight."

"I'd better be going inside now. It's almost light."

"Do you love me? Could you love me?"

I hesitated for a few seconds. "I really like you, Cole. You're smart, witty, and fun to be with. Beyond that, we'll just have to wait and see."

"Will you go out with me again? I promise that I won't try anything. Not until you say that it's proper."

"Okay, we can go out again. I had a good time up until…"

"Next Saturday then? We'll make a whole day of it. I'd like to take you up to see my house in Sunderland."

"Okay. What time?"

"I'll pick you up here at 9 a.m."

"Alright, 9 a.m. Saturday. I'll see you at the studio on Monday. Goodnight, Cole."

"I'll walk you to the door."

At the door Cole pulled me close and kissed me one more time. Since it was the last for the evening and he had been good after our confrontation, I kissed him back with as much passion as he was showing. I may have overdone it because I could feel him starting to stiffen again against my stomach. I pulled back, said goodnight again, and went into the house. Des was sitting in the kitchen. I wondered if he had been watching the limo parked outside. He probably had but he couldn't see inside the darkened car. Not that he had to. I knew that my lipstick was badly smeared.

"Good morning, Miss Ramsey. Everything okay?"

"Fine, Des. Thank you. Goodnight, Des."

"Goodnight, Miss Ramsey."

*****

I slept until late in the afternoon and then got up and took a long bath. Mom, Carol, and Aunt Jess had gone sightseeing so I didn't face the questioning until dinnertime, and then only Carol pressed for details. I just gave them the basic facts about our meal and the club afterwards. I never said a single thing about Cole's advances.

*****

I returned to work on Monday morning. We had finished with rehearsals and were filming now. Cole was even more romantically affectionate when the cameras were rolling than he had been previously during rehearsals. I wondered if he was acting or if it was the result of the feelings that he had professed to have for me. Whatever it was, I decided that the movie would be better if I didn't spurn his advances because our scenes felt more natural than then they had before.

Off camera, Cole continued to be affectionate. He didn't hold my hand when he could put his arm around me, and he didn't put his arm around me when he could put both arms around me. He also never passed up an opportunity to kiss me. The crew started calling us the newlyweds, and not just because we were playing newlyweds in the movie.

*****

On Saturday Cole picked me up in his BMW and we drove up to Northern England. He approached a beautiful house that looked out over the North Sea near Sunderland and parked the car in the driveway.

"This is it. What do you think?"

"It's charming. And I love the view."

"That's what sold me when I saw it. It's not the palace that I hear you live in, but it suits me. Come on inside."

Cole walked around to my side of the car as I refreshed my lipstick. He opened the door and held out his hand for me to help me get out. He fished a key from his pocket as we walked to the front door, and opened the door, pushing it wide for me to enter. As he closed the door behind us, a woman came out from the rear of the house.

"Mum," Cole said, "this is Crystal Ramsey, the girl that I told you about. She's the girl that I intend to marry."

 

(continued in chapter 66)

 

 

 

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