Chapter 61

I let Oliver finish the kiss that he had started and then pulled my head back. Taking a few seconds to catch my breath before responding, I said in a gentle voice, "I'm sorry, Oliver. There isn't any other boy in the entire world that I love more than you, but I'm not ready for marriage. I just turned twenty in August and I have a lot of living to do before I settle down to married life."

Oliver continued to lean against me, keeping me imprisoned between him and the car. "I'm only twenty-two myself. Age shouldn't have anything to do with it."

I giggled. "Maybe not back in your hometown where they arrange marriages while you're still in the cradle, but out here there isn't any rush. I set a goal of making the most of my best years and I don't want to let anything get in the way of that."

"Your best years?"

"Yes, the years before a girl turns 26. Those are supposed to be the years when actresses are in the highest demand. I've been told that after that you have to make way for the new crop of 19 to 25-year-old actresses."

"Your career won't be over when you reach 26. You're too good an actress. That rule only applies to actresses of limited talent who wouldn't even get roles when they're nineteen to twenty-five unless they had drop-dead-gorgeous looks. You'd be working if you looked like Olive Oyl."

I giggled. "You mean Popeye's girlfriend?"

He smiled and nodded as he looked into my eyes from inches away.

"Well- my career might not be over then, but the good parts won't be as plentiful. I realize that things have greatly improved for actresses during the past couple of decades, but the movie-going public still, mainly, wants to see young, attractive women who are in their prime. And the polls say that both men and women want that. It's not just the men."

"Then you're saying that you're not going to marry before you're twenty-six."

"I'm sorry, but that's the way that I feel."

Oliver was quiet for what started to turn into an awkward silence. "I'm disappointed- but I understand. And I don't give up easily. I'll probably ask you again."

"I'm flattered that you did, even if I have to say no."

"I prefer to think of it as 'not right now' instead."

Oliver leaned over and kissed me again, making the kiss last just as long as the first one had. I was so relieved that he hadn't taken the refusal badly that I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back, faking a passion that I didn't really feel.

I eventually managed to maneuver Oliver to the driver's side of the car and then got him inside. I waved to him as he drove down the hill towards the front gate. The guard on duty would open it for him when the infrared sensor alerted him that a car was leaving and he had had a chance to check the video monitor.

Once Oliver had gone, I took a long slow walk around the estate grounds before going back into the house. Mom and Carol were sitting in the living room talking, and as I entered the room, Mom said, "Have Oliver and Sharon gone?"

"Yes, they left a while ago. I've been walking around the grounds, thinking." I sat down on the couch before saying, "Oliver asked me to marry him."

"He didn't!" Mom said with a certain amount of incredulity in her voice as she turned to face me.

"Can you marry a man?" Carol asked. "I mean is it legal?"

"Well- my birth certificate and passport both identify me as a female, so I guess that it would be legal. I don't know if they can tell your original sex from the required blood test or not, but I don't think so."

"You're not saying that you accepted, are you?" Mother asked, a look of concern coming over her face.

"No, of course not. I told him, as delicately as I could, that I liked him more than any other boy that I knew, which is true, but that I had no intention of getting married before I was twenty-six."

"And how did he take it?"

"He said that he was disappointed, but that he understood and that he didn't intend to stop asking me."

"I'm glad that he wasn't too hurt. He's a nice boy and I know how much you like him."

"I was serious when I told him that I liked him more than any other boy that I know. I hope that he can be content just to be close friends."

"Does that mean that you've decided to change back to being a male?"

"I don't know if that's even possible anymore. I haven't told you what Dr. Roman said during my last check-up." I paused to take a deep breath. "He said that it was almost impossible for me to change back. He said that because of the amount of time since the procedure, my genitalia wouldn't function properly anymore. He said that they could construct a new penis that would make me look like a male, but that it would never be the same. He strongly suggested that I proceed with the transition and have the final operation."

"Oh Crystal, why didn't you say something?"

"I wanted time to think about it, but I haven't been able to decide what to do."

"Surely you aren't thinking of changing your sex?" Carol said. "Not after all these years of being a woman. You couldn't that, could you?"

"I don't know. I'm not really a woman, you know. I'm sort of halfway in between. I'm as sexless as a Barbie or Ken doll."

"But you're more woman than man. Your breasts are natural, your voice never deepened, you don't have any facial hair, and your body is that of a woman in more than just shape. Even though you swim a lot, your muscles are like a woman's, not a man's. And your backside would never be confused with a man's narrow bottom. Just because you have some tiny remnants of male genitalia inside of you, it doesn't mean that you're male. You look like a woman, act like a woman, and in your heart, you are a woman."

"Am I? I don't have a uterus and never will have."

"Neither does a woman that's had a hysterectomy, and that includes about an additional 600,000 women each year in the U.S. alone."

"Why don't I feel any attraction for boys? I've been kissing them since I first became Crystal, and some of their kisses have been pretty passionate, but I don't feel anything back, even though I pretend to show passion in my kisses."

"That doesn't mean that you're not a woman. You've been taking medicine to suppress any arousal since you had the procedure done by Doctor Roman. Do you get excited by the woman that you're with on the sets?"

"Um- no."

"Then until you have the final operation, become a complete woman, and stop taking the medicine, you won't know, will you?"

"But by then it would be too late."

"From the way that you act, it's too late already, sis. You've told us how much you hated pretending to be a boy on your 'Princess to the Mob' movie. You couldn't wait to shed the male disguise each day and become a woman again. Face it, sis, you're a woman, and you prefer it that way. Besides, you're my sister and I won’t let you go. Just get that tiny piece of useless flesh nipped off and start living life for a change."

I put my face in my hands and began to cry. I don't know where the tears came from, I just knew that I couldn't stop. I guess that the decision had been hanging over my head for too long and I needed a release. Mom put her arm around me to comfort me, and Carol came over and sat down next to me so that she could comfort me also. Through it all, I realized that crying like this was not something that a male would ever do. Perhaps it was too late to change back.

*****

I felt much better the next day. I still hadn't made a decision, but I felt better for having discussed it with Mom and Carol. Carol had been right about my appearance. No part of me looked male anymore. If I were to try to go back to being a boy, I would probably always look like a woman in men's clothing. Even with a radical mastectomy, and hormones to deepen my voice and cause facial hair to grow, I would probably look female. And I had become so well known that I could probably never hide. I would forever be accused of undergoing a sex change to become a male. I hadn't enjoyed being a boy again in the 'Princess to the Mob' picture. It was true that I had had to wear prosthetic-like face pieces, and strap my breasts down, but overall, I hadn't even enjoyed acting like a boy again. And it was more than just the clothes, even though as a woman I could wear anything that I wanted. The real reasons were that as I woman I could be tender and loving without having to defend a macho image that I didn't feel. I could hug a small child without having people wonder if I was a pedophile, and I could cry when I was sad without drawing derisive comments.

When I had first started down this path it was all pretense, but now I thought of myself as a woman more than ninety-nine percent of the time. It was only during incidents like Oliver's proposal that I even recalled that I wasn't born female. I wondered if I could ever completely think of myself as a male again. Fate once again seemed to be determining my path.

After breakfast we all went out to begin our Christmas shopping. Des came along but kept a respectable distance when we shopped. I didn't wear my disguise wig today, or even my sunglasses. After my talk with Oliver, I wanted to see if anyone would bother me. I guess that I was emboldened by Des's presence. He was never very far away, except when we were in the women's department, and then he stood on the edge of the department where a couple of husbands or boyfriends were usually waiting. A few women stared at me intently and whispered to friends, but no one approached me during the first hour.

When someone did come up and ask me if I was Crystal Ramsey, I said, "No, I'm just a look alike. I'm trying to find work as an imposter or as a stand-in."

"You do look a lot like her," she said, "but I think that your mouth is wrong. You should get some treatments to make your lips a little larger. Crystal has very full lips."

"Thank you, I'll consider it."

"You're welcome. Good luck."

"Thanks."

From the corner of my eye, I saw the girl go over to a small group, shaking her head as she approached them. They talked briefly and then resumed their shopping. I breathed a sigh of relief and noticed that Des was staring intently in my direction. He must have been ready to rush in if there had been a problem. I felt good enough about my situation to split up from Mom and Carol a little later on. We set a time to meet again and then went our separate ways so that we could shop for each other's gifts. Des, naturally, stayed with me.

A few hours later, I met Carol and we continued shopping together until it was time to meet Mom. In the mean time, we tried on clothes and we both wound up buying more for ourselves then as gifts for others.

During the afternoon we had made a number of trips to the car to put our purchases in the trunk and it was crammed full by the time that we headed back to the estate.

*****

We had gone shopping again on Saturday but then lazed around the house on Sunday, because on Monday it was back to work for me and back to school for Carol. I spent one more week working at the studio and then we wrapped up that portion of the shooting. We had a small party on the final day and I got to say goodbye to all of the cast members and crew who were finished with the picture. I had enjoyed working on a picture and living at home for a change.

*****

The following week we headed up to Oregon to shoot the final outdoor scenes. We were working in the snow in the mountains, but we were properly dressed for the weather and it was almost like being on a holiday. When we weren't shooting we built snowmen, and had more than a couple of snowball fights. By Friday we were finished and we headed home. Except for some voice-over work that might be required, and the promo work, I was finished with the film.

*****

A few days after I returned home, Mr. Daniels called. "Hi Princess, how was Oregon?"

"It was a nice change, but I'm glad to be back where it's warm."

"Good. We have an offer that will keep you that way. They want you for the treasure-hunting movie in the Caribbean. It's nice down there in the early spring."

"When do they start shooting?"

"February. They already have their advance people down there getting things organized. I had told them that you were interested and we just had to complete the financial arrangements. I'd like you to come down tomorrow for a little signing ceremony if you're available."

"Of course. What time?"

"How about lunch time? We'll have a small luncheon and then sign the contracts."

"Okay, Mr. Daniels. I should come to the your office?"

"Yes. We'll go over to the restaurant together."

"Okay, Des and I will be there by 11:45."

"Good. We also have an offer from the other movie company whose script I sent to you."

"The Victorian period piece in Virginia?"

"That's the one. They want to start shooting in October."

"Okay, I liked the script. I'll do it if you think that I should."

"You did read the entire script, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"And did you notice the bedroom scene?"

"Yes," I said guardedly.

"Well, they want you to understand that it will require you to be seen almost topless. The scene that they have in mind will only allow you to hold your arm in front of your chest. They want to preserve the story's rating or they'd probably want to go further."

"That wasn't stated in the script."

"I know, but the director has decided that it will be necessary in order to fulfill his 'vision' of the movie."

I thought about it for a minute. I had never done any nudity, or even partial nudity before, but most actresses had. I certainly wasn't embarrassed about the shape and size of my breasts. In fact, if anything, at 36C they were a little too big for my frame. I would be twenty-one in August and I decided that now might be the time to let them be seen. After all, the thin fabric of a bikini didn't really hide anything except the areola, and my arm would hide those. "Okay, Mr. Daniels, I'll do it as long as it's done in good taste. I require film approval of the final scene to insure that."

"I'll let them know and see what they say, but your reputation for being one of the most cooperative movie stars will probably cinch the deal. I have to warn you before we go any further that the movie may be shooting for up to six months."

"Six months?"

"Yes. That's the timetable that they've established. They don't expect to complete shooting until almost April."

"Well, as long as I get two weeks off for Christmas, I guess that I can do it."

"We'll put that in the contract. It's not all bad news, they're offering 15 million because you had back to back best actress nominations and because of the longer time requirements. They feel sure that you'll be nominated for this role as well."

"Nominations, but no awards," I said glumly.

"If you had received either of the awards, the price tag could be 20 million. They know your ability, and they want to lock this up before the Academy Award nominations come out in a couple of months. That's why they're pushing to get the contract signed now."

"I really don't expect a nomination this year, Mr. Daniels."

"You never know. The box office grosses from 'Princess' have been excellent."

"But box office grosses don't necessarily impress the Academy, and they usually don't like crime-drama type pictures. As you already said, the period piece is more their cup of tea."

"Don't sell them short. Their tastes are as varied as anyone else's, and the important thing is the performance. You did a wonderful job in 'Princess'. Remember, Audrey Hepburn was nominated for 'Wait Until Dark', which was a similar type of crime-drama movie. And BOTH Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon were nominated for their parts in 'Thelma & Louise'."

"I guess that anything's possible."

"Okay, Princess, I'll speak to the folks about your requirement for filming approval of the partial nudity scene, and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay, Mr. Daniels. Good-bye."

Prior to the 'Princess to the Mob' movie, only a small number of people, the ones that had worked on either 'Oliver on Board' or the 'Moons of Kapatia', had called me Princess. That had only been because it was Mr. Landois' pet name for me. Now, everyone, even Mr. Daniels, was calling me Princess. I didn't mind except that it continually raised the specter of Cary's absence, in my mind if nowhere else, by my association with a picture that showed me in a male identity. I had two hopes. One, that it wouldn't jog anyone's memory and thus their curiosity, and two, that I could eventually hear it without having it remind me of my secret.

*****

Des drove us down to LA the next day. On the way down he asked me if I had plans to get another car.

I smiled and said mischievously, "Don't you like my old Subaru?"

"It's not that I don't like it. It's just not fitting for a star of your stature to be driving around in an old car like this, even if it is a good disguise. I'm surprised that the tabloids haven't made an issue of it. You live in a house that puts some royal palaces to shame, and yet you ride around in an old car that that can't carry more than four people. When you have friends over and need to go somewhere, we have to go in two cars. You should have your own limo."

I sighed. "You're right, of course. I've steadfastly resisted being caught up the in the whole 'movie star' scene, even though the house really puts me in there, but I guess that I should get a more prestigious car for special occasions. Okay, after the signing is over we'll stop at a couple of dealerships. Have you been looking around?"

"I've picked up a few brochures from time to time."

"What do you recommend?"

"For eight to twelve person limos, I know of places that do custom seventy-inch or a hundred and twenty-inch stretch conversions on Mercedes, Cadillacs, and Lincolns. I think that the smaller seventy-inch conversion, with a rear-facing seat would be sufficient. That'll give you six seats in the rear, and room for two more passengers in the front. For a standard car from stock, either Mercedes or BMW would be a lot more prestigious than a Subaru."

"My dad was going to look into having the Rolls-Royce and the old Cadillac fixed up but I never heard back from him. Do you know of anybody who does that kind of specialty work?"

"Not offhand, but I'll look into it."

We arrived at the agency a few minutes later than expected but in plenty of time to make it to the restaurant before noon.

In the company limo, Mr. Daniels said, "I spoke to the movie company about you having approval rights over the filming of the partial nudity scene. As I expected, they agreed. They'd like to have a signing ceremony next week. I'll call you as soon as it's set up."

"Okay, Mr. Daniels."

Jennifer was waiting at the restaurant with the representatives of the movie company. We had lunch first in a private room, then talked a little about the movie as the room was cleaned by the restaurant staff. The members of the press who had decided to attend, were then invited in to watch the signing and ask questions. We were all done by two o'clock and on our way back to the agency building where my car was parked. We said goodbye to Mr. Daniels, and Des drove us back towards the estate.

We got off the Ventura Freeway near Van Nuys and Des drove us to a Mercedes dealership where he parked the Subaru in front of the building. There were several salesmen inside the glass-enclosed showroom and they watched us as we got out of the car. As we entered the showroom, they all turned away from us so that we couldn't catch their eye. I guess that they figured that there wasn't any business to be had from someone driving a seven year old Subaru. Des and I wandered around the showroom looking at the cars displayed there. They were pretty, but a bit small, and there wasn't really all that much more room in them than my Subaru. There were a couple of station wagons and SUVs but if I was going to spend a hundred fifty thousand dollars, it wasn't going to be for a station wagon or a truck. I wanted a proper sedan.

I wondered if there might be a large sedan model that wasn't on display, so I approached the group of three salesman and said, "Excuse me, could we get a little help?" I wasn't disguised, but I was wearing sunglasses.

One of the salesman immediately said, "Sorry, I'm on break now," and walked away. Another said, "I have to make a phone call," and walked away also. The last one, who hadn't been as quick as his friends, sighed and said, "Okay, what is it?"

"I was wondering if you had any larger model sedans that aren't on display."

"No, that's the entire line-up."

"I thought that Mercedes made big cars and limos?"

"What we've got is on display. That's all there is, lady."

"Okay, thank you."

I walked back over to Des. "This is all there is."

"I heard. It's a good thing that you went over. If he had spoken to me like that, he'd have to go to the dentist for a new set of caps."

I smiled. "Let's just go. Take your satisfaction in the fact that he's probably losing about two thousand dollars in commissions."

We got back in the Subaru and drove a little further north. Spotting a BMW dealership, Des pulled in and parked right in front of the showroom window. Just like at the Mercedes dealership, there were several salespeople in the showroom as we got out of the car and walked inside.

The salesmen didn't deliberately turn away, but no one came over to us as we walked around looking at the cars. They just sort of watched us out of the corners of their eyes. After looking over all the cars, I went back to the 750iL sedan. I liked it better than any of the Mercedes sedans that we had looked at, although it didn't seem much larger. Des came over, and seeing my interest, climbed into the driver's seat. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the three salesmen flip coins at the same time. Two smiled, and the loser shrugged before coming over.

As he reached us he put on a big smile and said to Des, "Good afternoon, folks. Shopping for a car?"

"Better talk to the boss," Des said, indicating me with his thumb.

Not missing a beat, the salesman said to me, "You know, we have some great used cars available. The prices are half what a new car will run."

"I think that a new car would suit us better. How does it feel, Des?"

"It feels great in here. I'd like to see how it handles on the road."

Looking back to the salesman I said, "What options are available on this model?"

The salesman opened the back door and took out a sales brochure that was on the rear seat, and handed it to me. "This is the top of the sedan class. Pretty much everything is standard. You can get break-resistant glass though, and/or contour sports seats."

I had started looking through the brochure. "What would be the complete cost with the special glass, prep charges, shipping and destination charges, and anything else that gets added in before you arrive at the real price?"

The salesman took out his calculator and punched in a few numbers. "Would you be trading in your present car?" He smirked a little as he said it.

"No."

"Then the price is ninety-six thousand, one hundred seventy-five dollars. You know, I have some nice used cars for as little as twenty thousand dollars. Would you like to come take a look with me?"

"No." I didn't like the smug look on his face. "I'll give you ninety-five thousand dollars total for this car model with the Anthracite Metallic exterior, black leather interior, and break-resistant glass, if Des is happy with the ride. Do you have one in stock?"

He stopped smirking immediately. "I think so, but I'd have to check with my manager about the price. Do you, uh, have financing arranged already?"

"No."

"Well, if your credit is good, we can arrange financing for you within twenty minutes."

"I don't need any financing. I'll be paying by check, or credit card if you prefer?"

The salesman was squirming a little now. "Uh, you have a credit card with a $95,000 upper limit?"

"No, there's no upper limit."

"Um, I'll be right back." The salesman hurried to an office at the back of the showroom area.

I went back to looking through the brochure while I waited. A couple of minutes later the salesman returned with an older looking man. "This is my manager, Mr. Purvis. He says that we do have the model that you're looking for in stock. It has the color scheme that you want and has the break resistant glass."

"And is my offer accepted?"

Mr. Purvis said, "I understand that you're offering ninety-five thousand in check or credit card for the vehicle?"

"Yes, whichever you prefer."

"I'll accept your offer with the understanding that it doesn't include insurance or taxes, which were not included in Michael's quotation. Your check will be fine. Miss Ramsey, isn't it?"

"Yes, I'm Miss Ramsey."

"It's an honor to serve you, Miss Ramsey. I'm a fan. I hope that Michael was attentive and courteous?"

I looked at the salesman. He knew that he hadn't been very courteous. "Yes, fine, thank you. Infinitely better than at the Mercedes dealership a few blocks down the road."

"The Mercedes dealership?"

"Yes. We stopped there first to buy a car, but they wouldn't even talk to me. So we drove along looking for another dealership and that's how we found you."

"They wouldn't even talk to you?"

"No. They acted like I was wasting their time and tried to ignore me. I'm glad that your salespeople aren't the kind who have to flip a coin to see who has to go wait on the customers."

The salesman's eyes had grown very large by now, while Mr. Purvis' eyes had narrowed as he looked at Michael.

"If you'll come with me, Miss Ramsey, I'll write up the paperwork for your new car. We can prepare it and deliver it to your estate tomorrow."

An hour later we were back on the road and heading for home. I was ninety-five thousand dollars poorer, but it will be nice to have my first-ever new car. Since I had earlier in the day signed a movie contract for twelve million, I could certainly afford the car, and I looked on it as an early Christmas present to myself.

*****

The car was delivered the following afternoon. I signed the receipt form and received the keys. Another employee of the dealership had driven up to bring the driver back, and the agency had already had the car registered for me.

Mom came out of the house to see the new car and we decided to go for a ride. I knew that Des would drive most of the time, but for the first ride I took the wheel. With Mom in the passenger seat, and Des in the back, I drove up to Santa Barbara and returned. The car was a dream to drive. It was quiet, with almost no outside road noises noticeable, and the stereo had a wonderful sound.

When we arrived home, Des put the car away in the garage while Mom and I went inside. Des would arrange to have a transmitter to open the front gate, built into the dash.

*****

The following week we again traveled down to Mr. Daniels office so that we could drive to the signing ceremony for the other movie. It seemed that each signing ceremony was larger than the last and this one was the most attended so far. I answered questions about myself for almost twenty minutes after we inked the paperwork. Most of the reporters wanted to know intimate details, but I had learned how to avoid answering such questions without appearing too rude, or getting angry as I had in Vancouver.

After the press conference part of the ceremony was over, we returned to the agency in the limo. Mr. Daniels said on the way back, "I just got a new script that I think that you're going to like."

"What kind of movie is it?"

"It's a romantic-comedy-adventure set in Europe."

"Is it being shot in Europe?"

"Mainly in England, with locations in five countries."

How much of a break would I get after the movie that we signed for today? I'd want at least a month."

"Actually, it's being filmed before it. They want to start shooting in June."

"June? We may not even be finished with the sunken treasure movie in the Caribbean."

"You should be done in May, and they'll adjust the shooting schedule to shoot around you if you're still involved."

"I don't think so. It doesn't give me any time off between movies."

"I know that you only wanted to do two movies a year now, but this is a great script. Why don't you take a look at it before deciding."

"I don't think that I should. I need time between movies to recharge my batteries. It wasn't too bad when I was only a supporting actress, but as the lead, it's too much to finish one movie and start right in on another."

"That's why they don't pay supporting actresses fifteen million dollars for each picture."

"Fifteen?"

"Yes."

"Even though it's a much shorter schedule than the Virginia movie?"

"That's the price that I quoted and they didn't hesitate to agree. I had told them that you were already committed to two other films, but they want you for the lead. Your co-star will be Cole Griffith."

"Cole Griffith?"

Mr. Daniels nodded. I hadn't seen Cole since the party following the premiere of 'A Promise of Spring', my first movie.

"How's Cole doing?"

"Not too good. As you probably know, his last two films bombed. If this one isn't successful, he'll have trouble getting any leading roles in an A class picture and may even have trouble getting supporting roles. He needs a winner badly right now. The producers know that you and he worked well together in your only movie together."

"I like Cole, and I enjoyed working with him, even when I was freezing in New York City."

"Then this would be your chance to help him out. His career hasn't progressed like yours. His salary for the picture is only about a third of what they're offering for you."

"Cole helped me get my start and I'd like to help him get re-established, if I could. Oh, okay. Send me the script and I'll read it."

Mr. Daniels called his office and his secretary was waiting by the BMW with the script when we arrived five minutes later. I took it and told him that I'd let him know in a few days.

On the way home we stopped to visit Sharon and the twins. I knew that she'd be home because I had called her yesterday and been invited to drop over today.

 

(continued in chapter 62)

 

 

 

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