Chapter 36

It was still early in the evening when we arrived home from California, and while it was great to be back, I knew that I would miss the great weather. It had been brutally cold walking from the commuter plane to the terminal, and I froze again during the short time that we spent loading and unloading our bags from the limo. Adding to my mixed emotions about our return was the fact that we wouldn't have the pool or tennis courts here. Still, if I had to pick between the two, I would rather be here where most of our friends were.

We spent Sunday getting back into the swing of the slower, mid-west lifestyle. The two-hour time difference gave us the most difficulty and we didn't get up until after 9 o'clock. It is definitely harder adjusting when traveling east. Carol and I spent much of the day reviewing our schoolwork assignments to make sure that we were ready to return to school the next day, while Mom spent her day reviewing all of the messages on the machine and returning calls. By dinner-time she was done and turned the phone over to us. Carol used it first and made a dozen calls during her first hour in an effort to let her network of friends know that she was back.

I used my entire hour to talk with Debbie. She filled me in on all the happenings at the Community Theatre and I told her about my time in California. I didn't tell her about my surgery though. I'm not sure why, exactly. I guess that I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it because I feared how she might react. Debbie hadn't had any interest in me until I became Crystal, and yet she always knew that underneath I was still Cary. Now that I wasn't Cary anymore, I was afraid that she might lose interest, so I decided that it would be best not to tell her just yet.

When my hour was up, Carol got the phone again while I went to watch TV with Mom. I let Carol have the rest of my time tonight also. I didn't really have anyone that I needed to call tonight, and Carol had a lot of catching up to do. When bedtime arrived, I wasn't sleepy because my internal clock was still set to California time, but I managed to fall asleep after tossing and turning for a short time.

And in the morning I didn't awaken until Mom called us, instead of waking up by myself as I usually did, and I still felt tired as I crawled out of bed. But that didn't stop me from hurrying to the bathroom and using the tub before Carol got up. When I was done, I knocked on her door and she came walking in as I finished toweling myself off. We rarely closed our bathroom connecting doors anymore except at night when we might disturb the other with a late visit to the porcelain 'chamber pot'. Carol followed me back into my room as the tub filled for her bath. I was about to put on a clean chemise in preparation for the corset when she stopped me.

"Crys, why don't you speak to Mom about not wearing the corset anymore. You don't really need it." Pulling me over in front of the wide mirror above my dresser, she stood next to me and said, "Look. You have a better figure than I do. Your waist can't be any more than 22 inches. You shouldn't have to suffer everyday to get your waist down to 19 inches."

She was right that my figure was fine without the corset. I was 37-22-35 now. Everyday use of the corset had pushed my internal organs away from my waist, and the hormones that I was taking, were having an effect on my bone, muscle, and fat distribution.

"Carol, you know that I have to wear it. All of my clothes were tailored for the 19 inch waist and if I stop wearing the corset, I won't fit into any of them."

"Then just make sure that any new clothes are tailored without the corset."

"I will. It's been such a relief not wearing it at night anymore, and it was heavenly not having to wear it on the set in California."

She laced me up before leaving to take her bath and I sat down to work on my face. I also had time to do my nails before she came back in to finish lacing me. Mom came in just as we were finishing.

"Carol, why don't you start getting dressed. I'll help your sister finish up."

Mom went to my closet as I struggled to affix my stockings and put on my slip. She selected a skirt and blouse for me that I knew would be extremely tight, and then helped me to dress. She had also brought over a pair of pumps with 4-inch heels.

"Mom, why the extra tight clothes and 4-inch heels? It's only school today."

"Today is your first day back from California. Everyone at the school will be watching you extra close today because of the TV show. Tomorrow you can return to less restrictive clothes and 3-inch heels."

What could I say except, "Okay, Mom."

She left as I finished up by putting on my earrings, wristwatch, and bracelets. I selected a simple gold chain for around my neck, and a scarf. When I was ready, I grabbed my sweater and books and went downstairs to the kitchen. Mom had made some pancakes from a pre-mix since we didn't have any fresh eggs, milk, or bread in the house. We gobbled down the pancakes because it was getting late, and after depositing our dishes in the sink we all got our coats from the hall closet and hurried out to the car. The temperature was hovering around freezing and I found myself almost wishing that we were back in California. I was torn between wanting be in the two different places.

When it was too cold to wait outside at school we were allowed to wait in the cafeteria until the first bell. Carol and I were first to arrive because Mom had to be in the office 30 minutes before first bell each day, but it wasn't long before other kids started to arrive. As a crowd developed around us I found myself answering questions about California, the show, and the other actors with whom I had worked. Brad, the quarterback that had been pursuing me, came in about 5 minutes before first bell and the crowd parted as he worked his way in closer. He stood behind me as I sat on the bench and he put his large hands on my shoulders, pulling backwards as he bent, and kissed me in front of everyone. I had put my arms around his neck in an automatic motion to prevent myself from falling backwards and he took this as a sign to increase the passion of his kiss. Everyone began applauding and making vocal noises as I tried to pry him off of me without falling over backwards.

When he finally pulled away I scolded him. "Brad, don't do that. I could have fallen and gotten hurt."

He smiled at me and replied gently with, "No way, sweetheart. I'd never have let you fall. You were as safe as a babe in her mother's arms. And I'm glad to see you. Why didn't you call me to let me know that you were back?"

"We only arrived home Saturday night and we were busy getting our school assignments ready for today."

"Well, I'm glad that you're back. What time Friday should I pick you up?"

"Pick me up? For what?"

"For the big party at Jimmy Beneker’s house to celebrate our football season. Mr. Beneker goes all out for the final celebration. He even gets a band for the final party."

"I don't know if I can. I have to find out where I stand with my class work. I've been away for five weeks, you know."

"Ohhhh, I know." Brad sighed. "I've been counting the days."

Carol, sitting next to me said, "Don't worry Brad, she'll go if I have to drag her."

Just then the first bell sounded and everyone started to file out into the hallways. Brad picked up my books in his right arm and draped his left arm on my shoulders. He walked me to my locker outside my homeroom and then stood with me until it was time to go in. He told me about the football games that he had played since I had left, and about other things that he had been doing. When the two-minute warning buzzer sounded he pressed me against the lockers with his body and kissed me before quickly dumping the books that I hadn't put into my locker, into my arms, then saying good bye and running off to his homeroom. With my arms full I wasn't even able to check my lipstick before going into my homeroom, but I did fix it as soon as I sat down.

As I repaired my face from Brad's two assaults, I noticed in my compact's mirror that every boy behind me was staring at my back. I wished that Mom hadn't selected from among my tightest clothes when she picked an outfit for me to wear today. There was enough attention on me as it was because of the TV show.

Rosie came in, closing the door behind him. After he took attendance, we were allowed to work on whatever we wanted until the first period bell sounded, as long as we didn't talk. He said to me, "Miss Ramsey, welcome back. We might as well use this time productively. Do you have the assignments that I gave you to complete while you were away?"

"Yes, Mr. Rosenberg."

"Good. Bring them up."

I got out the work assignments that I'd done while I was away and went up to Mr. Rosenberg's desk. I handed him the pile, and he set them on the desk and indicted with his hand that I should stand there. While he looked them over I stood with my back to the rest of the homeroom students. I could feel every male eye in the room staring at the stretched fabric that covered my backside. I felt very self-conscious standing there dressed like this. When Rosie asked a question about my work I had to move around the desk to help him find one of the papers, and then I stood next to him as he continued. I felt even more conspicuous now, with everyone in the room openly looking at me. I was extremely relieved when the bell sounded to signal the end of homeroom period. I left the assignments with Rosie and excused myself to go to my first class.

Mr. Douglas handled the matter differently. After assigning the class to read a chapter in the book, he came to my desk and looked over my assignments as he stood directly in front of me. I wondered how much of my work he was actually seeing with my cleavage so prominently displayed in front of his face. After Dougie glanced through my assignments he handed me a written test to take for the rest of the period. I realized immediately that I would never have been able to complete it if I hadn't done the work that I was assigned. As it was, I sailed through the test and finished well before the period ended.

Rosie also had a test ready for me during second period. Again, the material didn't present any real problems and I felt comfortable about my grade when the bell sounded to signal the end of second period.

I met Carol in the hall between classes and we agreed to meet in the cafeteria for lunch. As had happened during each of my previous walks to class, people congregated around me to congratulate me on the series.

Mrs. Abbott welcomed me back enthusiastically when English class started. After I turned in my assignments, she asked me to stand in front of the class and talk about my experiences in California. I gave a short narrative about the show and told everyone where the next episodes were going and then opened it up to questions. We spent the entire period talking about the show. Mrs. Abbott used the show as an example of a modern teleplay, breaking it down into its basic components for the discussion.

After class was over, Mrs. Abbott stopped me. "Crystal, I'm so glad that you've come back in time to be in our play."

"Yes, Mrs. Abbott. Have you cast the parts already?"

"Yes, I have. I have a very fine understudy for the part that I saved for you in case something should happen which prevents you from participating."

"That's good. I'll be here if I can. What part do you wish me to play?"

She looked at me incredulously. "Oh, Crystal, isn't that obvious? You're to be the lead, of course. You're Irma."

I was speechless for a minute. "But Mrs. Abbott, that part will require a tremendous amount of time. I don't know if I'll be able to devote myself to a starring role."

"Now don't you worry. Maryann DeAnsini will understudy you and be ready to step in if you have a problem with your schedule, and you won't require the amount of time to learn basic acting techniques like the other students. Once you learn your lines and your marks, Maryann can stand in for you most of the time until the final two weeks before opening. You're the perfect choice for the part. You're even in your second year of French Language so we're going to merge in a little use of French during the play, and we are including one song entirely in French."

I looked at her apprehensively. "You want me to sing? In French?"

"Yes, of course."

"But Mrs. Abbott, I don't sing. I have never sung on stage."

"Mr. McDonald, the music instructor, is going to help with the production. Most of the songs from the original play have been converted to English, but I decided that your song should be done in its original French. Mr. McDonald will help you with the musical aspect and Miss Boyer, your French instructor, will help you with the proper language inflections."

I didn't protest further because I saw that her mind was made up. The only singing that I had done in public was during my testing at the Daniels Agency. I had never listened to the completed tapes but I felt certain that I wasn't destined for a career in singing.

Mrs. Abbott gave me a copy of the script before I left her classroom, and then I headed for French class, arriving just as the bell sounded. Miss Boyer smiled at me as I came in and took my seat. As class started, Mrs. Boyer publicly welcomed me back. I had done all of my assignments for this class, but was fairly certain that I would receive a verbal test upon my return to school.

After class I stopped by Miss Boyer's desk and we discussed my studies and also the play. She suggested that I stop in after school so that I could take a verbal skills test, and she took the written assignments that I had completed. I hurried to my locker to drop my things off after leaving her classroom, and then hurried to the cafeteria.

After I had gotten my food, I had no trouble locating Carol. The table was packed and there was a crowd standing around it. In the middle, next to where Carol was sitting, was an empty seat, which I assumed was being held for me. I walked over and the crowd parted so that I could sit down. Most of the girls from the cheerleading squad were there, plus Sheri and Heather. Everyone congratulated me on the series and started to ask me questions about the show. I spent the lunch hour answering questions and trying to sneak in bites of food.

Before I went to my next class I stopped into the office to tell Mom that I would be going home with her. I had already told Carol that I was taking my French test after school so that she wouldn't be looking for me later.

Secretarial Science class with Miss Wilbur was a snap. I had practiced my shorthand while I was away, and the math skills required in the course were basic compared with my regular math coursework. I turned in my work assignments and then participated in the class normally. As always, my clothes did not really cause me to stand out so dramatically in here. If anything, more of the girls were dressing like me now than were before I left for California.

My last class of the day was my easiest and also my most difficult. It was easy because the course work consisted of learning to sew so it didn't really tax the brain, but it was the most difficult because sewing is a practiced skill and I hadn't been practicing. Mrs. Lynch worked with me during the entire period while the other girls worked on their machines. I learned the basics of operating a sewing machine and practiced the stitches that I had read about in my book using scrap pieces of fabric. By the end of class, Mrs. Wilbur said that I was doing well enough to come and use the machines during the hour after classes that the room was open.

When the final bell sounded I walked to my locker first to drop off my books, I used the lavatory, and then I went to Miss Boyer's classroom. She was working on some papers when I walked in so I took a seat in the front row and waited until she was done.

She closed the folder and came over and sat in the chair next to me. "Crystal, I know that it's difficult to be away from a class like this where you are learning a verbal skill, but since this is French II you already have the basics down. I've looked over your written assignments and they look good. Let's do a quick run through of the conversational topics that we covered while you were away.

Thirty minutes later we had completed the material and Miss Boyer said, "That's very good. I think that you have a good grasp of the lesson work that you missed. You shouldn't have any trouble resuming regular assignments with the class. Has Mrs. Abbott spoken to you about the play?"

"Yes. She told me after class today."

"Good. When you're ready to start working on the song, we can get together at my house. I have a piano, and Mrs. Abbott gave me a copy of the sheet music."

"Okay, Miss Boyer. I'll let you know as soon as I get a chance to read the script and get organized. I guess that I have to talk with Mr. McDonald first also. Is there anything else for today, Miss Boyer?"

"No, not today Crystal. You can leave."

"Thank you, Miss Boyer. And thank you for the extra help. Goodnight.

"You're most welcome, Crystal. Goodnight."

I left the classroom and walked to my locker to get the books that I would need for homework, and then walked to the office. Mom was finishing up so I sat and read until she was done, and then we left the building together and walked to our car.

"Mom, Mrs. Abbott sprung the news on me today that I have been assigned the lead in the play."

"I know. I heard from the principal's Secretary, Marilyn. Everyone is very excited about it. I also heard that you were originally slated for a lesser role, but that the School Board passed the order to Mrs. Abbott through the Principal's office. It's the first time that anyone can ever remember the School Board issuing such a 'request'. It's supposed to be 'confidential' so don't spread it around, dear."

"I won't, Mom. Why do you suppose that the School Board would issue such an order?"

"Well, you have become a very prominent figure in the school. The Board is always working on maintaining and improving the school's image, so I expect that it has to do with PR value. Like it or not, your success in acting has catapulted you into a position of being one of the most famous students to ever attend McKinley High. As you've already learned, fame has its good side and it's bad side. The good side is the little perks that you accumulate. For example, my ability to get off from work, and you from school, whenever you need to travel for a job. The bad side is the restrictions that it places on your personal freedoms, and having to do little jobs like the school play and public appearances."

"I don't mind being in the play, but why do I have to have the lead?"

"In any role other than the lead, they couldn't promote your image and name as much. It wouldn't be fair to the actress that had had taken on the lead role. Now they are free to do whatever they want to promote the play and, indirectly, the school."

"I never expected to be used by politicians when I agreed to be in the play."

"People will use your name and fame to their advantage whenever they can get away with it. Look at the supermarket tabloids. They use the names of famous people to sell their papers on the pretext that they are news. Often, there is no basis for the story, but they never let that stop them. That's why they get sued so often, but the ignorant people who buy that tripe are the real victims."

"Don't people realize that most of it is fiction?"

"Despite being told that repeatedly, some people continue to believe that the stories are true. I've ceased to marvel at the foolishness of such people."

I thought about that as we completed our ride home. Why would people believe made-up stories from publications that have been proven to lie, time after time? I couldn't come up with an answer. I could only surmise that their lives were so pathetically mundane that they would grasp at anything that added a little drama. I hoped that I would never see my name mentioned in the tabloids, but I would bet that I wasn't the first to say that, only to have it come true. I think that it was P.T. Barnum who said that 'there is no such thing as bad publicity', but he had passed on before supermarket tabloids came into existence.

Arriving home, we discovered that Carol had begun preparing dinner. We pitched in and then sat at the table and talked about what out first day back had been like. Carol's day had been like mine, taking tests to verify that she was ready to rejoin her classes without requiring remedial work. Mom had merged back into her job seamlessly. There was no backlog of work waiting for her so it was as if she had never left.

After we had eaten dinner and I had changed my clothes, Carol and I worked on our homework. She had done most of hers after arriving home from school so she was done sooner and got to use the phone first. Debbie was going out with her folks tonight, so when I finished my homework I started studying the script for the play. As I practiced the lines for the first act, I practiced my facial expressions using the mirror on my makeup table. By ten o'clock I was beat, so I got ready for bed. At least I didn't have to get up at 4:30. I could sleep until 6 now that we were home.

I was kept busy during the rest of the school week. I began to run into Brad more and more in the hallways. The meetings seemed accidental but they started to become so frequent that I began to wonder. Whenever we met he would walk me to my next class with his arm resting on my shoulders or around my waist. Then he wouldn't let me go in until seconds before the bell, always exacting a kiss before he dashed off to his own class. I started to divide my lunch times between the cheerleading squad and the girl friends that I had made before joining the squad.

Things had started to quiet down just a little by Wednesday, but then the fires were fanned by the broadcast of Oliver on Board, so on Thursday I was subjected to a constant barrage of congratulatory remarks. This week's episode was the fourth and final one that I was in, so things should quiet down considerably after this. Brad began calling me evenings, when he could get through. We had caller on hold but Carol would usually have two calls going at the same time. When I wasn't on the phone or doing homework, I worked on the script for the school play so that I would be ready for rehearsals when they started next week. Mrs. Abbott was already working with most of the students selected to perform; giving them individual help with their dialogue, projection, and presence. And of course the scenery and props people were hard at work.

Carol and I hurried home on Friday so that we could get ready for the big party at Jimmy Beneker’s house. Brad and Adam were going to pick us up at 7:30. We bathed and did our nails before dinner, then worked on our hair before getting dressed. I squeezed into a very tight, black leather skirt, and a maroon blouse that I had never worn. Since I was going out, but not to a school function, I had to wear 4-inch heels with this outfit. I probably would have anyway, because Brad was so tall that I felt like a small child next to him. Even with the heels, Brad would be 10 inches taller than I would.

Carol wore a gorgeous, beige, mini-dress and only 3-inch heels because Adam was not nearly as tall as Brad. Carol said, "I love that skirt. I wish that I could borrow it."

"Anytime, Sis."

"Oh I know that you'd lend it to me anytime… but I'm not willing to wear a corset to get into it and that's the only way that I could get my waist down to nineteen inches."

"It's not really so bad once you get used to it, but I look forward to the day when I won't have to wear it all of the time. At least I don't have to wear it at night anymore. What do you think of these earrings?"

"I love them. I bet that your necklace with the red rhinestones would go great with them and your blouse."

"Yes… I think that you're right." Holding up the necklace to my throat while I looked in the mirror I added, "Too bad they're not real."

"Maybe Brad will buy you the real thing for Christmas."

"Brad?"

"Sure, his family has the money."

"I know, but why should he spend it on me?"

"Because that's what boyfriends do for their girlfriends. What are you getting him for Christmas?"

"I hadn't given it any thought. We're just friends, but I'll get him a little something I guess."

"Well, you have several weeks to make up your mind. He'll probably get you something real nice, though."

"What makes you say that?"

"Just the way that he looks at you, and acts, when he around you."

"What do you mean?"

Carol smiled. "He's in love, you dope."

"In love? With me?"

"Who else? Adam says that you're all he talks about. Good thing that football season is over. He probably wouldn't be able to keep his mind on the game with you doing cheers on the sidelines."

I thought about it for a few seconds and then said, "You're teasing me. Right?"

"No, honest."

"… What do you think I should do about it?"

"Go with the flow. Just be careful, and remember that you're not a complete woman yet."

I had been working on my eyes. I stopped, looked at her, and sighed. "I know I'm not a woman. But I'm also not a man. I'm something in between. I don't know what I am..."

Carol turned towards me and said sadly. "I know, Sis. I didn't mean to upset you. I only meant that you have to be careful not to get carried away and let anyone find out that you haven't had the final surgery yet to give you a real vagina."

"Carol, I never said that I'm going to get that surgery. Actually, I've been planning on becoming a man again."

"Oh Crys, you can't be serious. You're a girl now. You could never be happy going back to being a boy again. And I've been so happy having a little sister. Please don't become a brother. Besides, you're a much better girl than you ever were a boy. You didn't fit in and you didn't really have any friends. Now, you're the most popular girl in school, and will have a wonderful career in acting even if you don't go to college."

I didn't answer right away. Carol was only echoing the things that I had been feeling but had been afraid to face. I believed that the hormones were beginning to affect my mind. Since becoming Crystal I had slowly begun to think and feel like a woman. Now, five months later, I usually only thought about Cary when I was in bed at night. The rest of the time I was all girl. Perhaps Carol was right and I might never be able to return to being a boy again.

I said, "I don't know, Sis. I'm definitely a girl right now even though I can't have sex as one. I don't know what's going to happen."

Carol wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. "I'll love you no matter what, but I hope that you decide to stay a girl for the rest of your life. I don't want to lose you."

I hugged back. "Thanks, Sis. I love you too... It's getting late so we better finish getting ready. The boys will be here any minute."

As if to answer me, the front door bell rang. Carol and I quickly returned to finishing up. I had to redo my eyes because I had gotten misty eyed while Carol and I talked. I think that she did too because she hurried into her bedroom.

Ten minutes later we were ready to go downstairs. Adam and Brad were watching television when we descended the stairs. They both stood up as we came down.

Brad said, "Wow, you girls look great."

Adam just stared and said, "Ditto."

We smiled and thanked them. Brad held my coat for me as Adam helped Carol, and we left after saying goodnight to Mom. When we got to Brad's 4x4 he didn't even hesitate, he just picked me up and placed me in the passenger seat. . He was used to lifting me in and out by now. Unless I was wearing a regular skirt, I could never have climbed in by myself, and I didn't own any regular skirts. Mom had made sure that all of my skirts were designed to show off my figure. There wasn't one that allowed me to take a decent stride.

The Beneker house was lit up with Christmas lights and decorations. It appeared that Mr. Beneker never did things halfway. I was a lot more comfortable with the crowd here tonight than I was the first time because of all the contact that we had had since then. I knew almost everybody in the house now. The only exceptions were a couple of girls that I had never seen before. I found out that they were Jimmy Beneker's cousins who were visiting for the weekend.

Brad rarely left my side for the whole evening. Between his popularity and my celebrity, we were never in need of company. Most of the time he either had his arm on my shoulders, or around my waist, even though it wasn't necessary to proclaim his 'ownership'. All of the guys here knew that he expected them to stay away since the first party. Not one football player would even dare to ask me to dance.

Not that I needed anyone to dance with. Brad pulled me to the dance floor whenever a slow song was played, and a lot of slow songs were played. But I also got a lot of time to socialize with the other girls. Usually several guys would be with Brad, while their dates and I would talk, but Brad was never more than a couple of feet away.

Carol came and got me when it was 12:30 because we had to be home by 1 am. We made the rounds to thank the Benekers and say goodbye to everyone, and we made it home with several minutes to spare. Naturally the boys couldn't let those minutes go to waste, so we sat in the cars until 1. Brad tried to make up for the short time by not wasting a second. He seemed to be kissing me before the car had even come to a complete stop. He left the car running because of the cold weather but I didn't think that he really needed a heater just now. He didn't let up until he heard Carol rapping on the car window.

As he straightened up, I got a tissue from my purse and wiped the lipstick from Brad's face, then wiped my own as he got out and walked around to my door. He unclipped my seatbelt, lifted me out of the car, and carried me to the front door. As he pulled me close to kiss me one last time before I went in, I felt his maleness through my coat. I knew that he was trying to suppress his excitement, without success.

Carol and I locked the door after entering, hung our coats in the hall closet, and turned out the downstairs lights before climbing the stairs to our rooms. She followed me into my room to help me with my corset before going to her own room to undress. I hung up my clothes, removed my makeup, put on my nightgown, and slipped into bed. Then I just lay there.

Alone in my bed, I began thinking about what Carol had said to me earlier. I felt so confused by my feelings. Until now I had steadfastly clung to the idea of returning to being Cary despite the conflicts that I felt. Whenever other thoughts had pushed their way into my conscious mind, I had pushed them back into the recesses. But since my talk with Carol I realized that I must begin to consider all of my prerogatives. She was right that I had never been much of a male. I was terrible at all of the things that males are supposed to be good at. On the other hand I found that I was good at the things that females are good at. Maybe I was destined to be a woman after all. I lay awake with my thoughts for quite a while before slowly drifting off to sleep.

 

(Continued in Chapter 37)

 

 

 

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© 1999 by Crystal Sprite. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.
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