Humiliated : For Life         by: Marnie Smith

 

Michael was eight years old and this was the second summer that he spent at City Side Day Camp for boys and girls. Michael enjoyed camp, the games, the swimming, and the counselors. Near the end of the summer, each age group of boys and girls performed in short skits or plays in front of the entire camp. All of the parents were invited to come that day.

The Mohawk boys sat in the recreation hall while Sally, the drama counselor explained what their group would do. The camp's owner, Bob Nathin watched along with the two Mohawk counselors.

"You boys are going to sing a song. You'll be put into pairs and half of you will be boys and half of you will be girls." Michael barely listened as Sally talked. He did hear the word girls and thought that there was no way that he'd be one of them.

Rick, the Mohawk's senior counselor stood up. "Do any of you boys want to be girls in the show?" Michael began to listen closely as Rick explained that half of them had to be girls so if anyone wanted to, he should speak up. Otherewise, Rick said that he'd pick the "girls". Michael began to feel nervous as he looked about hoping that enough boys would volunteer so that he woulnd't be chosen, but not a single boy was willing. "Ok," said Rick, "I'm going to pick the first girl." There was a pause and he looked directly at Michael. "Moose will be our first girl."

The boys laughed and Michael's face reddened. Rick called him Moose. Michael was the opposite of a mouse, but that's the name Rick used.

Michael was mortified. How could Rick pick him to be a girl. The first girl at that. He looked at his friends and felt embarrassed. Why was he picked to be a girl. Rick rattled off eleven other names and each boy accepted his fate differently as some expressed fear and protested while others seemed to take it with humor and bravado. The boys kept calling Michael the "first girl" and the poor boy wondered how he could get out of it. He simply didn't know what to do. Rick had no sympathy for the boys who asked to be switched and Bob Nathin sat smiling as each boy was told he had to play a girl.

Bob Nathin had founded City Side Day Camp fifteen years earlier. He was a Phys Ed teacher during the year and had won awards for coaching. Michael remembered that Bob had shown up one day at the camp pool wearing his wife's bathing suit. Everyone laughed at him. At the time, all the children thought it was just a joke. They didn't find it that strange nor did they associate his action with the fact that every summer, a group of boys were picked to dress up as girls for this show. One year the entire 3rd grade boys were hula girls. Another time they were ballerinas. The parents didn't think anything was strange about this practice. After all, Bob was an educator and a coach and he was recognized for performing wonderful work with children. Who would have thought that Bob Nathin was a transvestite who loved watching little boys get dressed up as girls. Who knew that Bob had something invested in throwing a monkey wrench into innocent children so he could get his jollies.

Michael didn't tell his parents that he'd been picked to play a girl. He was too ashamed to confide in them. He believed that his parents would think that he'd been chosen because the counselors at camp considered him a sissy. That their son really could not hold his own against the other boys and therefore, they would conclude, it was fair that Michael would be a girl.

Over the next few days, the mohawk boys were taught their song. Sally put them in pairs and the boys strode arm in arm as they sang an old show song, "Cecelia." It was about newly discovered love and the boys crooned about how they would steal Cecelia from her mother. Michael and the other girls were taught to look into the eyes of the boys as they declared their love and minced around the stage. Bob always managed to show up at the rec hall when the Mahawks rehearsed. He also found the right time to appear at the costume hut where Sally had each boy try on a dress, girl's shoes, and tagged them with each name.

Michael had decided that he would not come to camp the day of the show. He would tell his mom that he was sick. That would be that and the other boys could dress up as girls, but he would not. NEVER. However, his mom who knew he wasn't sick, and looked at him and said, "what's wrong dear? If you stay home, I'll miss your brother's skit and he'll be so dissappointed. Is something bothering you about the show?"

That was when Michael should have spoken up, but he was too embarrassed to tell his mother why he didn't want to go to camp. He thought that if he went, perhaps he'd be able to talk one of the boys into switching roles. Sure, he believed that would work. His eight year old mind wasn't clever enough to know how to handle this dilemma. He agreed to go.

Just after lunch, long before the show was to start, all of the Mohawk "girls" were told to go to Bob's house. None of the boys were willing to trade places with Michael and feeling panicked, he went. Inside, were Sally, Bob's wife Muriel, and another female counselor. Each boy was told to strip down to his underwear. Michael was handed a white petticoat and tights. The counselors explained how to put them on. Each boy recieved his dress and shoes and the ladies helped them into them. The dresses were mostly white with pastel lace and had a gay-nineties look. Michael's face reddened as Sally buttoned his dress. He wondered how he'd get it off, how he'd unbutton it while Sally tied his sash. The boys put on their shoes and the ladies had them sit in chairs as they applied makeup. None of the boys knew that they were going to wear makeup. Michael squirmed as lipstick was applied. The mascara stung and it was hard to sit still for eye shadow. Rouge was put on all of their cheeks. Each was given a bonnet that had blonde curls attatched. Michael wondered how he looked and began to believe that if he was gussied up, no one would know who was who. He'd tell everyone he'd been a boy. Who'd know otherwise. For the first time, he began to calm down and he even began to feel comfortable in the outfit. He stood and looked into the mirror thinking that nobody in the world would know who he was and that he actually looked good. Sally told everyone to please sit down and that they must take care not to get their dresses dirty. Bob came around the room and he offered each boy a cup of lemonade. He had been watching every moment of each boy's transformation. Michael took a sip and noticed the marks his lips left on his cup. It was just like when mom drank from a cup. He didn't find any of Bob's behavior odd, nor did he realise that they'd sit for an hour and a half under Bob's gaze. This was a yearly ritual for Bob. He loved watching the boys be dressed as hula girls and ballerinas. He loved watching the Mohawks put on their white dresses. Bob loved this more than his promise as an educator and the head of a children's camp and he compromised the welfore of his charges. While he never physically touched a child, he abused them and he got away with it.

The "girls" were finally told to get up and that it was time for their song. They were reunited with the rest of the Mohawks and each "girl" paired off with "her" boy. Michael felt strange walking in his dress. His petticoat felt strange as it swished around his legs. Some fourth grade boys burst out laughing as they approached the Rec hall. A fifth grade girl realised her brother was dressed as a girl and called out to him. Michael was horrified when he realised that two girls from his school recognised him. They laughed too.

It was time to go on stage and the audience burst into laughter as each couple climbed on stage. The Mohawks began to perform and Michael saw his mom wave to him. It seemed as though he had been dropped into nightmare. His cheeks burned with shame. Finally, they were through and the Mohawks went outside. There were ice cream bars for each performer, but Michael refused it, he only wanted to take his dress off. He wanted the lipstick off. He wanted to put pants on and he wanted to forget that any of this had taken place. He took off his bonnet and furiously wiped at the makeup with napkins. When he was finally back in his clothes, he saw that the mascara and eye shadow was just smeared, it wouldn't come off. Each boy went back to the Mohawk shelter with these smeared masks which made it obvious to everyone what their parts had been.

At home, Michael's family didn't say a word about his part. They sensed that he wasn't willing to discuss any of it...ever. The boys at camp made fun of the "girls" for the rest of the summer. Kids at Michael's school teased him. Friends knew that they could get his goat by humming that hated song. Michael handled it by proclaiming that he had not been a girl in the show. Everyone was wrong. He knew that everyone knew he had been in the show, but still he denied it.

Over time, the hurt wore off. Michael knew two things: he would never, never, never, put on girl's clothes again and he would not return to City Side Day Camp. Then one day, Michael's family went to see the film "Some Like it Hot." The boy had no idea what the film would be about and was horrified when he saw Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon dressed up as women. He wondered why they did it. He wondered if they were forced. He didn't really understand the film. However, not long after that he had a dream that he was back at camp. In his dream, Rick stood in front of the Mohawks and asked if any of them wanted to be girls in the show. Michael raised his hand. The boys didn't laugh at him. Everyone admired him for being so brave. Michael occasionally had that dream. He also would dream that strange circumstances occurred that forced him to dress up as a girl. In one, he fell into a lake and a girl took him home and offered to dry his clothes. However, she refused to return them and said that he could borrow her clothes. Michael would reluctantly dress up and ask her to make him look like a real girl so that he wouldn't be embarrassed as he made his way home. The girl was always happy to do that.

Michael couldn't understand why he had those dreams. He also couldn't understand any male dressing as a girl. On Halloween, he saw a boy in a pale blue dress. He wore a wig and makeup. Michael's friends made fun of him. Michael was silent, but as the boy came close, he realised that he wore nylons. Michael couldn't believe it and he couldn't believe that a thought crept into his consciousness: he wished he was dressed that way.

Several years passed and Michael continued to have these dreams. He continued to concoct fantasies in which he'd be dressed up as a girl. He never did so and thought he never would. A cousin asked him to dress as a girl one Halloween. Michael was terrified at the thought, but secretly he wished she'd make him. Finally when Michael was 13, he was home alone one night. He saw a skirt on a hanger and slipped it on. He thought that he'd just try it. No one would know. He pulled it on and then off. In his mind, his experiment was over. He felt nothing and swore he'd never try it again.

He was home alone the next Saturday night and he felt an uncontrollable urge to try dressing up again. However, he thought that the only way to purge it out of him would be to dress up completely in girl's clothes. He needed to wear everything: nylons, a slip, a bra, a dress to feel complete. And if he felt complete, he'd never need to do it again. He found a yellow chiffon dress and put on each garment. The nylons in particular felt nice against the slip. The chiffon glided over his body and Michael realised that it felt wonderful. He looked in the mirror.

A thirteen year old boy, dressed as a girl stared back. Michael, frightened at his reflection, tore off everything and retreated back into pants. He'd never do that again. NEVER. He made a solemn promise. Michael kept the promise for at least a week when he tried on more girl's things. Again, he promised himself he'd never do it again. And again he broke his promis. Again and again.

Two years later, Michael read "A Catcher in the Rye." Holden Caulfield described a man who he observed through a hotel window. This man was alone in a room and he slowly dressed himself up as a woman. He gazed at himself in the mirror as he put on each article of clothing. Once he was dressed, the man watched himself walk back and forth and he made deliberate feminine movements in this evening dress. Michael was thunderstruck. This man was doing what he did. Only it sound creepy. Michael realised that perhaps he wasn't the only boy in the world who liked to put on girl's things. He didn't know who these transvestites were or why they crossdressed, nor did he even know those words. In his heart, he knew that he liked girls, that he wasn't a creep or a pervert, but then why did he like to do that perverted thing? Michael wouldn't know the answer for many years. He snuck about through the rest of his childhood in women's closets. Never appearing in public in women's clothes. No one ever saw him. He'd become a husband and a dad and he never got over the fact that either by accident, or conspiracy, or perhaps because Rick found his soul transparent and could see that he, Michael, secretly wanted to dress as a girl, and therefore forced Michael onto that stage and humiliated him to his core.

 

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