My thanks to Femur for the inspiration that led to this story. It was inspired by his cover BB014. This story contains NO plot lines that use Magic, Spells R Us, or Altered Fates. This story is my own, but based on Femurs work, and in no way implies a change in Femurs pages or his fine efforts at providing us with examples of the (im)possible. His site is www.Geocities.com/tgcomics/

 

How Much of a Girl Did I Want To Be?    by: Janet L. Stickney    JanetLynn17@Hotmail.com

 

Over the years I had learned how to reasonably pass myself off as a girl, and had even managed, with great care, to keep that knowledge from my mom at the same time. When I was younger she had caught me a few times, but since I turned 13, I had managed to keep my dressing up a secret. Yesterday I had gotten dressed in what I usually wore when I went out, a skirt and blouse, then went to my favorite place, the mall, which is where I bumped into Jack. He and I were friends, not close, but close enough. He was watching me as I walked down the concourse, and I could actually feel his eyes boring into me. It was unnerving, yet exciting at the same time. I'm 16, Jack only a few months older, yet he was a lot taller, and certainly outweighed me by at least 50 pounds. I lost track of him for a while, when I was in the lingerie section of the department store, but when I walked out of the store, he was sitting on one of those concrete seats, waiting for me. I couldn't just stop and stare at him, and I couldn't risk running back into the store, since that would only make him wonder why. I simply walked out, starting to go around him.

"Hi" he said, motioning for me to sit with him. "You look awfully familiar, do I know you?"

"No" I said, hoping my voice didn't give me away.

"Why don't we do the mall together? It looks like we're both just window shopping anyway, and by the way, my name is Jack."

"Elaine" I said, sure that staying with him would be dangerous, but my ego was bursting. Here was a guy that wanted to be with me, as Elaine! In all the times I had been out as a girl, this was the first time any boy had ever paid any attention to me, and it made me feel both scared, and elated, all at once, so I told myself that dangerous or not, I would do it, and nodded my head yes.

Without another word he took my hand in his and stood up, leaving me no choice, except to take his hand, or simply walk away. But I didn't want to do that, walk away I mean. Jack was the first boy that had ever looked at me like he had, and it made me feel giddy, more feminine than I ever had before, so, disregarding the danger, I let him hold my hand, then walked with him. He wanted to know all about me, and I told him the truth, except for the fact that I wasn't a girl of course. He didn't seem to read me as a boy, or give me any indication that he did, so I felt pretty comfortable. About four he wanted to stop for a cola, but I had to get home before my mother did, and begged off. I left him sitting there with nothing to do but watch me leave. As I drove home I wasn't sure how I felt, but of course, I was flattered that he found me attractive, yet a part of me kept reminding me that I was a boy. I knew I had plenty of time to change before mom got home, and turned into the driveway, just like always, which is when I saw mom taking groceries out of her car! She knew my car as well as her own, and as she looked at me, I got that sinking feeling in my gut.

Unable to hide, and nowhere to go, I had no choice. I opened the door, and in a swirl if skirt and long legs, I got out, dragging my few purchases and my purse with me. Mom didn't even blink.

"Grab those other two bags will you hon?"

Nothing about how I was dressed. I grabbed the two other grocery bags, and went in the house, straight into the kitchen. Mom was starting to put things away, looked over her shoulder at me, and asked to unpack the rest. Still nothing. I did as she told me, wishing I could get to my room and change, but…

"Have a nice time? What did you buy?" mom said, as she pointed at my packages.

"Yes" I said, "I had a nice time". But didn't want to show her the new bra and panty set or the padded pantybrief I had in the bags, so I didn't. Instead, mom simply went to them, opened the bags, and looked inside.

"Nice color. Do they fit you properly?"

Mom had fallen right off her trolley, and obviously, her car was dragging on the tracks! I nodded my head yes, and without a pause she told me to set the table. As I put out the plates and silverware, she was busy making dinner, leaving me to wonder what the hell was going on! I mean, I'm her son, and she could plainly see that I was dressed as a girl, she knew I had been shopping, and without so much as a "why", she went on as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Like I was a girl.

Over dinner she finally asked me what name I used, and I told her. "Elaine" I said, adding nothing else. Yet there I sat, fully dressed, my hair done in a very feminine style, a small silver bow clipped on each side of my hair to hold it back, my bra barely visible through the thin white blouse, my breasts poking out, complete with a small but definable nipple.

"I haven't seen you for years, and although I knew you were still here, I never expected to see you again. You've been very careful not to get caught." Mom simply smiled at me. "Now that I know what you look like, and you have obviously been going out that way, more than once I'll guess, do you care to tell me about it?"

I had no ambition to tell my mother that I wanted to be a girl , none at all. I was her son, and I thought she liked it that way. I did not want to hurt her, or ruin our relationship, yet there I sat, fully dressed as Elaine, and looked like every other girl my age, so there wasn't much I could do to deny what she could see with her own two eyes. I remained silent even as she sat there staring at me.

"There's just the two of us honey, and we cannot live together if there are any secrets between us…especially one like this one." Mom sat back in her chair, then…"You look very nice. Your hair and makeup are almost flawless, your…shape is one many women would be proud of, and you seem to be comfortable enough in the role of a girl to go out, so why not tell me what's going on?"

I matched her gaze, and knew that there was no escaping her question. I had to tell her, so I began. "When I went out as Cinderella, when I was 11, remember? That's when it started. Something inside of me told me that dressing as a girl, being a girl, was what was missing. I felt…complete I guess."

Then I told her everything, beginning then, all the way up to me sitting there. I told her how my constant thinking about being a girl had gathered momentum, then, how my emotions overcame my common sense, the relentless, unending desire to be a girl driving me to do something about how I felt. As I spoke, telling mom about all that, it was as if time compressed. I could recall every emotion, every fear, while at the same time, that same time compression diminished my ability to explain the total enjoyment I felt whenever I was dressed, or how the scarce few hours I had available never were enough. Then I told her how I made my breast forms, how I first padded my hips with towels, and later with the padded pantybrief, or how I spent hours figuring out the right makeup to use, the right color combinations that looked good on me and how I struggled with my hair. It all came out, as if the dam had burst and there was no stopping it. Dismay is the son of regret, and I felt them both, their fury taking my ego by storm. It took almost an hour, and our dinner went cold as I talked, and mom listened. She never said a word, or interrupted, never laughed or frowned. When I was done it was as if I had run a very long race. I was exhausted. My dismay, and shame, was still on display.

"Well" mom said, "If you are going out that way, then I insist that you be prepared to go out in all situations. I am assuming that you do not have a large wardrobe, so tomorrow morning, I want you to show me what you have, then you and I will do a little shopping. If I am going to have a daughter, even part time, then I want her to be properly dressed at all times. Now, before these dishes turn into crusty rocks, lets clean them up."

And that was it! Everything I had ever imagined about how she would react to seeing me dressed as a girl had been wrong! But now that she knew, what did she have in mind? And what did she mean when she said "I insist that you be prepared to go out in all situations"? That could mean anything, but on the face of it, there could be only one interpretation. She wanted me to be able to become a girl that could go, wear, and do, anything any other girl could do! That could range from just shopping, to church, to attending fancy affairs, which meant from jeans and a top all the way to ball gowns. I didn't know how to react to that, and while the very thought of it excited me, I didn't even want to consider it, since it might not come true. I did not change until later that night, and then, it was into a nightgown that mom gave me. Life for me was weird enough before this, but mom had thrown away the rulebook, and now I wasn't sure what to do. It was a restless night.

My mother doesn't show anger well, and except for the narrowing of her eyebrows and the occasional frown, you would never know if she was angry. As I lay in bed thinking about what had happened, I could not remember any sign that she was angry with me. I had put Jack out of my mind and concentrated on mom, and what she said. I had a lot going for me. I'm 5'6" tall and weigh about 125. I had let my hair grow out to make it easier for me when I got dressed up, and I have been doing exercises to keep my waist smaller. It was all I could do without being crazy about things. My small wardrobe was in a box that I kept locked, in the back of my closet, and I had the only key. I always did my own laundry, so mom never saw any of my girl stuff, then this had to happen! Based on what she said, there was a good possibility that I would not have to hide my clothes or makeup any more, but the central question still loomed large. Why?

The next day, Saturday, I got up, and had to decide what to wear. If I wore jeans and a shirt, mom might think that I was not going to dress up again then forbid it, but if I wore a skirt and blouse, no matter what she said the night before, she might take it badly. Since I knew that I wasn't going to stop dressing up, that left me with only one choice. I went into the bath and put on some foundation and powder, then a bra, followed by a short pleated skirt and a Tee. Brushing out my hair, I pulled it back into a ponytail, tied a red ribbon around the rubber band, did my lipstick, and slipped on my gym shoes. Mom would be startled or not, but whatever happened when I showed up dressed this way, she would know just how I felt about being a girl. I stepped out of my room and walked towards the kitchen.

I could smell the bacon before I walked in, I saw mom's back, then I went to pour a coffee, and she saw me.

"Morning! You look very nice dear, now sit down. Breakfast will be ready in a minute."

Without a word I sat, then, as we sat across from each other, still sure that mom was not herself. She told me that right after breakfast she wanted to see everything that I owned for Elaine. By the look on her face, and I couldn't read anything into it, I merely nodded my head yes. Well, I showed her everything, then mom sat on the bed just staring at me.

"I cannot say I understand this at all, but I'm trying. You told me yesterday that you have been to the mall three times without any problem, and nobody gave you a hassle. That makes me wonder if this is just a way for you to get attention. I'm working a lot, you're home alone a lot, maybe I haven't done my job right."

"It's not like that mom! I only go to the mall because it's so big that nobody pays any attention to me!"

"I see. Is that what you want? Not to be seen? If it is, then why leave the house?"

I had nothing to say to that! I mean, I knew that people saw me when I was out, but I "blended" in I told her, and therefore, became invisible, except for Jack. He noticed me. But mom thought that I meant something else. In her view, there was nothing special about being a female, in fact, being a male was preferred, which is why she did not understand the allure I had to wearing skirts and dresses, but she was trying, and I was at a loss to tell her why I liked it so much.

"It seems to me that if you are going to continue to go out dressed that way, then you should not be afraid to have people see you, and that means that you'll need to have a somewhat wider wardrobe. Especially since I intend to see to it that you experience everything a girl your age does. That will mean that you'll find yourself doing the grocery shopping with me, as Elaine of course, possibly attending church, my women's club meetings, they encourage daughters to join in as well you know, plus, I see no reason that you cannot join me at my aerobics class. But there is no reason that you can't go anywhere you want, but you'll have to dress appropriately for each occasion of course. I said I don't understand this, but I realize that it's something you have to do, so I intend to see to it that you are a lady, just like you would be if you were a girl. I will not have any daughter of mine afraid to face the world, and right now, that happens to be you. Any questions?"

"Church?" I said, since everyone in church has known me since birth almost!

"Not right away, but yes, church. Now, are you ready to do a little shopping?"

"Now?" I asked, and she nodded her head yes. I went to my room and pulled on my padded pantybrief and a pair of pantyhose, slipped my shoes back on, redid my lips, and grabbed my purse. Mom was waiting, standing next to my car. I drove towards the mall, then mom asked me just how serious I was about looking like a girl. When I told her that I had always wanted to look as convincing as possible, she told me to head for the smaller plaza across from the mall. From there she told me to park near a small shop at the end of the row of stores. As we walked in it was obvious what kind of shop it was, they sold breast forms and other things for women that had lost a breast. To my great humiliation, mom told the woman that I needed a pair of breast forms, because I wanted to look as much like a girl as possible! The woman didn't even blink.

"You shouldn't be ashamed dearie, I have lots of male customers. Come with me and lets get you fitted, shall we?"

It was a very demeaning experience, and with mom watching, the woman tried about five pair before she finally said she had the right ones. Just to hold it in my hand was a real experience. While I had never actually touched a girls breast before, these sure did feel, and look like skin, the color of my skin, they were very soft, yet warmed up in my hand. Once I had my bra back on, and the breast forms in my bra, I could feel the difference right away. They were heavier. The woman said they were what she called an "A+,", which meant that I had to wear a B cup bra, unless of course I wanted to wear something low cut and really show them off. That drew a grin from mom, and I put my blouse on as mom paid the bill, then we left the shop. As I walked to the car I could feel them bouncing, pulling my bra down, which was an entirely new sensation. In the car, I allowed myself to touch them, then a gentle squeeze. Mom said nothing, then told me it was time to get me some clothes.

Shopping with my mom was a real experience. She insisted that I try everything on, something that I had never done before. With mom helping me, I tried on bras for one thing, bought three new ones, then moved on to skirts and dresses. Three skirts, two dresses, a suit, two pairs of slacks and assorted blouses and tops later, we stopped in the shoe shop, and I tried on and bought heels in white and pink, flats in taupe, white and black. Then we decided to have a light lunch, took everything to the car and returned to the mall. We were at a table eating, when Jack walked up.

"Hi Elaine. Nice to see you again." He looked at mom, then asked…"Is this your sister?"

The very fact that he addressed me by my girl name made mom's eyes open wide, but she didn't say anything. I swallowed hard.

"Hello Jack. This is my mother."

"Ma'am."

"Hello Jack. You're vary gallant. Sister indeed! That's a very good line by the way. I see you and Elaine are friends! That's nice. Would you like to join us?"

"Yes Ma'am, if you don't mind."

Mom was enjoying my predicament, that much was clear, but she acted as if I were her daughter, and Jack took my being there with my mother as a sign that I really was a girl, and that alone completely erased any doubt he might have had. That was both good, and bad. Good because he would not try and figure out where he knew me from, then possibly figure it out. Bad, because now that he was convinced that I was a girl, he could treat me as a girl, and that probably meant more than a walk through the mall, something like asking me out, and just looking at him told me that was what he had that on his mind. Up to that point I never realized how easy it was for a girl to read a guys intentions, but being in that position, even for the first time, it was obvious, and he didn't disappoint me.

"I was wondering, if you would like to see a show with me next Friday night."

I looked at mom, but she excused herself and went to get another soft drink. With that, she left it to me to decide. If I said yes, I would extend this dangerous little game one step further from the point of no return. On the other hand, it would cap every one of my dreams. I said yes with a smile. He mentioned seven o'clock, then left, just as mom returned.

"Well?" she asked, "what did you say?"

"He's picking me up at seven next Friday."

"Then you'll have plenty of time to get ready, and I want you in the house by midnight young lady. Now lets go home and you can put those clothes away."

On the way home…"Jack seems very nice. Where did he meet you? As Elaine I mean. At the mall?"

"Yeah. He saw me go into the lingerie section and waited until I came out of the store. He was sitting there on one of those concrete seats they have. He thought he knew me."

"Does he?"

"Oh yeah. He goes to my school, but we don't pal around or anything like that, we just have a few classes together."

"And now?" mom asked.

"And now that he saw me with you, he obviously thinks I'm a girl, and won't try to figure out where he knows me from."

"This can backfire on you, you know that don't you?"

"Mom" I said, "You're the one that told me that I would be experiencing, doing, and going places everything a girl my age does, and well, doesn't that include being around guys? Maybe dating?"

Mom dropped it, and I went to my room where I spent several hours making room in the closet for my new clothes. I no longer had to hide them, and wasn't about to, but as I put things away, I thought about what mom said, this being a dangerous idea, dating Jack I mean. But my euphoria was greater than my fear, and I set aside those thoughts of danger. After I rearranged everything, I went in the basement and brought up an old table that I could use as a vanity. My closet was now filled with new colors, pink and tan, red and white, black and bright blue. My new shoes lay with the others, my purses hung from a hook. I set my small jewelry box on my dresser, then set out all of my makeup. I tried to put what mom had said out of my mind, trying to ignore the stark fact that she was right. If Jack ever did find out the truth, life as I know it would be over. Ridicule would be my first name, stupid my last, and simply going to school would merely be an invitation for violence.

Between the skin heads, the jocks, and the kids with closed minds, I would be lucky to survive the first day. Looking in the mirror I checked everything about myself, from head to toe. Sure. I looked like a girl, but I was wearing a skirt. Girls wear jeans and slacks, spandex and low cut stuff, every one of which would reveal my deficiencies, and make it clear that I wasn’t really a girl. On top of that, I did have a beard, however slight, it just didn't show just then. I had to use chemicals or a razor to remove all excess hair every time I wanted to go out, which was tedious to say the least, and lasted at best, four days. Looking down, I knew where the problem lay, but other than "tucking" it back, there wasn’t any way I knew of for me to create the proper illusion. If I could do that, then maybe I would have a chance. Maybe. I had no idea what would happen if Jack, or someone else excited me. What if Mr. Wonderful began to rise up? No girl I know of has that problem, and my charade would certainly be over. In my enthusiasm to be considered a girl, I had walked straight into a very sticky web of my own design. Deceit and disguise were only part of this web. Danger and violence were the hand maidens on this web, and I had allowed myself to get firmly stuck.

On Monday morning, back to myself again, I went to school, saw Jack a few times, but kept as far away from him as I could. I watched the girls, saw how they acted around the guys, the sly looks, the convenient giggles, the toss of the hair, the coy smiles, all calculated to draw the boys to them. The sweet scent of their perfume, the casual way they accepted their femininity, almost as if being a girl were secondary to them. I knew better. My own femininity was bursting, just under my skin, eager to get out, to laugh and giggle with them, to be just as casual as they were, yet I knew I would flaunt my femininity as often as I could. Drawing a deep breath and walking away, I knew just how close I had come to doing something stupid. Caught up in the moment, I almost let myself believe that I was a girl, ready to join the other girls as they watched, commented on, and flirted with the boys walking by. My secret, so well hidden for so long, was rapidly rising to the surface, and the mere thought that by going on this date, I might be taking my first steps on the road of no return gave me a shudder. If I went out with Jack, then he would expect me to kiss him, and if I did that, what did it make me? I knew that hidden under my male exterior lay a girl, yet, if anyone found out, people would not see my inner girl, only my male exterior wrapped in the feminine finery I adored so much.

It was a terrible day. Mom told me that she wanted me to experience everything a girl my age does, and while I was more than a little concerned about going to church as a girl, I was quite willing to let her teach me what I needed to know. Sure, I had been out of the house several times, but mom could help me with makeup and hair, how to walk and sit, use my hands, even talk, but, she could not tell me how to react when, not if, Jack decided to kiss me. All she could do was tell me what not to do, and I already knew that. In my dream the night before, I had visions of passion gone crazy, my hand where it shouldn't be, and worse, doing more than that. It scared me. Mom seemed oblivious to my mood, and when she got home, she was surprised to see that I wasn't dressed. That's when she told me that she wanted me completely dressed, every day when she got home from work. She said it would help me get used to getting ready every day. "Each day" she said, I was to "come home from school, change, do my makeup and hair, the start in on my homework." Since I attended school half days due to overcrowding, that meant that I would be dressed as a girl almost full time, from about one in the afternoon until bedtime, and even then, I wore a nightgown to bed.

As Friday drew closer my doubts escalated into an almost overwhelming fear. Passion and desire to be a girl aside, I was scared. Worse, I wasn't sure if mom knew just how scared I was, and while I knew I could trust her, I could not bring myself to tell her. As silly as it sounds, it wasn't "manly" to admit fear. But mom had been right. Doing makeup every day, struggling to get my hair just right, and staying dressed most of the time, gave me a close look at just how badly I needed the practice. As good as I thought I was, experimenting with different colors and techniques, both my makeup and hair got better. Finally Friday arrived, and once I got home, I began the ritual to remove every trace of hair that I could find, saving shaving until later that afternoon. I didn't want to be caught out by hair in unwanted places. After that, I spent a lot of time selecting what I would wear that night. Unfamiliar with what girls wore on dates, I chose a dress, the green one, set it on the bed, then sat at my vanity and began to put in the rollers, using the gel just like mom showed me. It was tedious, but I was getting better at it, and in a few minutes I had all the rollers in.

Then I shaved as close as possible, breaking my twice a week schedule. I managed not to nick myself, and after washing my face off, I used the skin lotion mom had given me. She was right when she told me that my makeup would look better and stay longer if I used it. I also rubbed it in everywhere else I could reach, since it made my skin feel smother, and left me smelling very nice. Dressing as a girl once in a while is one thing, being on display is entirely another, and on this day, I had no choice but to be as perfect a girl as I could be. With my hair in rollers, freshly shaved and my skin lotion applied, I sat at my vanity and began to put on my makeup. Using two fingers, I spread out the foundation, carefully covering my entire face down to the crest of my collar bone, then used powder to set the foundation. After brushing away the excess, I had a flawless complexion, all one color, and smooth as could be. Eye shadow done in soft blue and plum, drawn out with a sponge, then brown eyeliner that gave my eyes definition, black mascara that made my lashes thicker, more visible. A peach blusher on my cheekbones, and I was done until I was dressed.

Opening my top right dresser drawer to get clean panties, I saw the breast forms I had made. As good as my new ones were, I was proud of the ones I had made. Using a thin plastic bag, I had mixed birdseed with glycerin, weighing each one carefully with a postage scale, and after tying off the top and removing the excess, I had a pair of very flexible, soft to the touch breast forms that would warm up when I wore them for a while. The knot on the top acted as my nipple, which looked very real because I had folded down the excess, then glued it in place. I slipped on the panties, then took out the new breast forms. Perfectly formed and almost an exact match for my skin tone, I wanted nothing more than to have them growing out of my chest, which is when I got stupid again.

 

I eagerly walked down the corridor defined by my desires, put aside my common sense, and took out the adhesive. Using the mirror and the adhesive, I attached the new breast forms to my chest, holding them in place until the glue set. When I removed my hands, they hung there, looking very real, and I was in heaven. Using the small lipstick like tube of concealer and some powder, I was able to hide the seams to make them look as if they were mine. As I pulled on a bra, I decided to change, and wear the one that was lower cut, with lace trim on it. The soft cup held my breasts firmly, yet the material was thin enough to let my nipples show through. I loved it, especially the fact that I clearly had ample cleavage. Sitting on the bed I pulled on the pantyhose, then my padded pantybrief, making sure that I had no line to give away my secret. The dress went over my head easily, and I zipped it up without any trouble. The dress was short, about two inches above my knees, had a square cut neckline and short sleeves. It fit me very nicely, accenting all of my curves, and allowed just a hint of my new cleavage. It was the first time I had worn the dress, and was very pleased with the way it fit me. The two inch black heels were next. I went to the vanity to take out the rollers, but I heard mom come in, and went to meet her.

I was so giddy with excitement, that my fear of the consequences, if I were discovered, evaporated the moment I began to get ready. Mom took one look at me and dropped her purse on the table before she spoke.

"You look simply spectacular! Turn around and let me see you!"

Doing a pirouette, the skirt of the dress flared out, rising enough to display my legs to my panties. I had a smile plastered on my face that signaled not only my exhilaration, but my complete acceptance of myself as a girl. Mom and I ate a small dinner, during which she told me to be a "good girl", which of course, could be the only conclusion. I was not a real girl except in my mind, and I would not let Jack touch me anywhere he shouldn't. Mom merely smiled at me, then she told me redo my lipstick. Without another word, I did as she told me, and sat waiting in the familyroom for my date to appear. I was on edge for a number of reasons. This date fulfilled one of my dreams perfectly, and I gloried in the very idea that Jack found me attractive enough to ask out. But I wasn't a girl, and there was no doubt that we would see a lot of kids that knew me, and all it would take is just one of them to recognize me. As I said before, life as I know it would be over if that happened. Then of course, there was the idea of close, personal contact. Kissing, petting, but no more than that.

Jack was right on time, and after I introduced him to my mother again, we left for the show. As we walked in, I saw more than just a few kids I knew, but since the theater was located in a mall, most of them were just walking around. Jack held my hand as we sat, then, during the show he put his arm around me. Every moment was pure ecstasy for me as up to that point, not one person gave me even a second glance. For them, I was just another teenage girl. Later, as we got in his car, he put his hand on my shoulder, leaned over, and drew me to him. His lips quickly touched mine, and just as quickly he grinned at me, then drove towards my house, but he stopped about halfway there. I didn't fight him the least bit. He kissed me, harder and with more lust, then I felt his hand on my stomach, creeping up to my breast. In my own dream filled state, I didn't stop him, and I could actually feel his fingers as they draped over my breast. Panting hard, his other hand began to move up my leg, which is when I broke away, and told him to take me home. He had excited me, and scared me, all at once. Yet, as he kissed me goodnight, every fear I had disappeared, and when he casually asked me if he could come over the next day, I said yes, then went in the house.

As I lay in bed, the taste of his lips still lingering on mine, I realized what I had done. I had stepped outside of my dream, made it a reality, and once again let the fear of the past invade the present. Jack thought I was a girl, and that was fine, but there are some class mates of mine that live right on my street, so, just how long would it be before they found out? I had let Jack touch me, and I had responded, just like a girl, but what about later? I could just picture it, one of the kids on the street stopping by, me hand in hand with Jack. The overwhelming weight of what I had done came crashing home, settling in the pit of my stomach.

The next morning mom asked how the date went. I said fine, but did not elaborate, and she didn't press it. She did however, tell me that I would need to get some leotards, especially since I would be joining her for her aerobics class, which happened to be that afternoon. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled about it, especially since I still had Mr. Wonderful to worry about. Mom dismissed my worries with a wave of her hand, and right after breakfast, I went to do my makeup, brush out my hair, and get dressed. We were in a sports store, looking at the various color combinations when mom told me that I should try one on. When I balked a little, she selected one, took me by the hand, and we went into the changing booth together. I didn't even think about it when I removed my blouse, then my bra. When mom saw that I had attached the breast forms she gasped, but didn't say anything. I pulled on the swimsuit like leotard, then the very tight spandex pants. Pink, gray and purple, they all fit me quite snugly, and because I still had the padded pantybrief on, I also had a shape. My breasts heaved as I looked in the mirror.

"Those will do for now. Put your clothes back on Elaine, I'll wait outside."

By the time we got home it was obvious to me that mom was angry about something, so I asked.

"You used the adhesive to attach the breast forms without asking me Elaine! Did you bother to read the instructions?" I shook my head no, realizing that I must have screwed up royally. "Well" mom went on, "the instructions said that the adhesive is designed for long term wear, and it makes those breast forms hard to remove for the first two months!" Mom turned away, then…"Just what do we do now? I mean, how can you go to school? Those breasts of your will stick out like a sore thumb on a boy, and going to school as a girl is out of the question! Elaine! How could be so stupid?!!"

The realization of what she said sank in, and I began to tremble. I had almost two months to go before school let out, which was just when I could remove the breast forms! Mom told me that since I glued them on, I would have to find a way to hide them or not, but she wasn't going to risk damaging my skin by trying to get them off. She also told me that the easiest way might be to just dress as a girl and go ahead and finish school! There wasn't any way I was going to school, not like this anyway! I started for my room, but mom told me to get my gym bag and put my new leotards in it, including my gym shoes. Within a few minutes, we were on our way to her aerobics class. As I sat there in the car, I wondered just how she expected me to change, in a locker room full of women, but she never said, and knowing that she was already angry, I kept my mouth shut.

It turned out that we all had individual changing booths, which was great because it gave me the chance to tuck myself a little better , and make sure that I didn't experience the pain of crushed parts. New to aerobics, I didn't know what to expect, but I was sweating hard after just a few minutes, my hair was damp, my leotard soaking, and I was tired, but mom, while a little sweaty, looked just fine! She was 20 years older than me, so I should have been able to keep up with her, but in the end, I just had to sit and watch. Mom finished her workout, we changed clothes, then went home. Every muscle hurt.

"It's not as easy as you thought it would be, is it?"

"I ache all over! Even my boobs hurt! I don't know how you do that without collapsing mom!"

"Well" she said, "you better get used to it, because you'll be going twice every week, just like I do." She sat on a kitchen chair and looked at me. "You need to lose some weight, because as a girl, you're just a bit chubby around the waist. Your boobs hurt because when they bounce, the adhesive is pulling at your chest, just like mine do. That's why I wear a sports bra under my leotard, and the reason I didn't buy one for you is that I wanted you to see just how firmly those boobs of yours are attached to your chest." Mom stared at me a little, then, "I suppose, if you use a wide bandage, and wear a loose sweater, you might be able to fake it at school, but crushing those babies against your body all day will also be painful. You only have two choices Elaine. Dress as a girl and attend school as one, or tie them down and endure the pain."

"Mom! I can't go to school dressed as a girl! I'll get killed!"

"Maybe, maybe not. That depends on how you look and act, doesn't it? I mean, your boobs look real enough that you might be able to convince everyone that you are a girl, especially if you act like one."

"Just how can I do that? I mean, there are a lot of guys that have seen me naked! They would know in a hot minute just who I am, and that I was faking it!"

"Well, that is a problem of course, but I'm sure that you'll work it out. Now go take a shower."

A lot of help she turned out to be! Once I was naked I looked in the mirror and stared at my breasts. I tried to get a fingernail under the seam that I knew was there, but it was stuck tight. I pulled on the right one a little, but all I did was hurt myself. I was unwilling to try something like acetone, because while it might get them off, they might be ruined, and I knew that mom wouldn't spring for another set. That's when I read the label on the adhesive. My heart sank when I got the part that described how the glue worked. In big, bold letters, it clearly said that the adhesive would not degrade enough to get the breast forms off for "at least" two months, adding that "only under extreme conditions should they be removed prior to the time mentioned due to severe skin damage." Sadly, I knew right then that not only had I made a mistake, I also had to decide, just how much of a girl did I want to be? If I decided to finish the year as a girl, all hell would probably break out the first day I showed up in a dress. But if I managed to get through the first day, maybe the second and third, all of the furor would die down, and maybe, if I were lucky, be over.

As those thoughts invaded my brain I began to tell myself that I could manage it, being a girl in school I mean. In my delusion, I told myself that I had no trouble at all when I was out, even in an aerobics class full of women. The more I thought about it, the more I was drawn closer to believing I could do it, which pulled me closer to doing what was unthinkable just a few days ago. No matter what I decided to do, I was going to have some sizeable lumps in my sweater, which meant that the question for me was "do I wear a bra or not." When I pulled my panties back on, I looked like a girl from head to toe, and other being a little less round than without the padded pantybrief, I looked just like the girl in my never ending dream. I went in the shower, quickly dried off, then got dressed in a short skirt, a top, and for the first time went without a bra, then pulled on my gym shoes. I pulled my hair back and held it in place with a clip, did not bother with makeup, and went to find mom. As I looked at myself again, my delusion became confidence, and I had an overwhelming calmness fall over me. It was an eerie feeling as I realized that I had made up my mind. I went to find mom so I could tell her. She needed to know.

But, as luck would have it, the doorbell rang just as I stepped into the foyer.

"Get that will you honey? I'll be right there." Clearly, mom was in the half bath.

I opened the door only to find Janet, a girl that lives right down the street standing there.

"Hi! Can I come in?" I opened the door, she stepped inside, them…"I just knew that was you at the mall with your mom the other day, and I was right! It was you!"

"Hi Janet."

She was staring right at my chest. It was obvious that I wasn't wearing a bra, and just as obvious that I had breasts.

Staring right at them, Janet asked, "Are those real?!"

Well, they were attached, and as a part of me now, I said, "They're all mine Janet. I've been sort of hiding them."

"I'll say! I didn't have a clue! Are you a girl…really? No! Never mind! Don't tell me!"

Mom walked up behind me. "Hi Janet. I see you've met Elaine."

"Yeah. She was just telling me that she's been hiding a great big secret from everyone."

"We decided that it would be better for her." Mom looked at me, and also saw that I wasn't wearing a bra. "Elaine has reached a crossroads in her life Janet. She has decided to quit hiding herself, and be the girl she always was." Turning to me, with a hand on my shoulder, "Isn't that right Elaine?"

Without even a trace of a denial in my mind, I simply nodded my head yes. I was now committed. I would finish school as a girl. Just how I would manage that I didn't know. I just knew that I would. Janet was eager to talk, so we went outside and sat on the porch, my first time outside without makeup, which apparently didn't matter, because Janet never mentioned seeing even a trace of a beard. I was glad I only shaved twice a week.

"So," Janet asked, "you're going to school as a girl tomorrow?" I nodded my head yes, but could not smile. "Why not come and get me? We can be together, and maybe I can get Bill to make sure nobody bothers you."

Just the mention of his name made me shiver. Bill was Janet's twin brother, and I had known him since we all started elementary school together. I can't say why, but Bill had somehow fit into every one of my dreams, especially from the moment I started going out dressed as a girl. Bill never did have a steady girl, he said he wasn't interested. But I always thought that he was just shy. Just thinking about my latest dream made me quiver. Janet looked over at me, saw me shiver, paused, then started to laugh!

"Bill! You like Bill!" She saw the stricken look on my face as what she said sank in. Janet had guessed right, but there was no way I would ever admit that! Then she said, "Bill was with me at the mall the other day Elaine, and we both saw you with your mother. We didn't put it together at first, but later, when we both thought about it, we knew that it was you. Bill told me that you were a fox, to use his word, but that was before he and I figured out who you were."

"Yeah, well, I don't know about all that Janet. I'm not even sure that I can walk into the school like this! You know how some of the kids are about…things like this!"

"But you don't have a choice do you Elaine? Even if you've been wrapping those boobs of yours down for a while, you are not going to be able to hide them forever! Maybe, when you were younger, and they were smaller, it was easier, but you look about my size, and we both know how tender they can get! That means that no matter what, you're going stick out, so why not just give in and make the best of it? When you get ready, just wear what all the other girls wear, and get on with it! Bill and I will be there for you, and no matter what you or Bill say to deny it, he's attracted to you, and won't let anyone bother you. Now get on with it, and be the girl you really are!!"

Janet assumed that my breasts were my own, really my own, which was good, because when the rumors started flying, she could, and probably would, tell everyone that she knew for a fact that I had boobs. That alone would temper the shock of seeing me in a skirt or dress. Everyone would know that I didn't have a choice, which was true. The glue made it virtually impossible for me to hide them! I made up my mind right then, and told Janet that I would stop by her house in the morning, and we could go together. It was done. I would either be dead tomorrow, or I would survive as a girl or an outcast. Thankfully, with school only half a day long, I would not have to endure it for long, and with only two months to go before summer break started, maybe the other kids would leave me alone.

After Janet left, mom and I talked about what I was about to do. Once again she told me that while she did not understand why I felt I had to be a girl, she was going to let me continue.

"I was used to having a son. I liked it as a matter of fact, but in the last few days it has become painfully obvious that you would rather be a girl. Why I cannot say, since there's no great benefit in being a female." She sat there looking at me for a moment. "I told you that I would let you do this, but that I wanted you to be a lady at all times. By going to school as a girl tomorrow you are going to be tested harshly Elaine. The other kids won't understand, and no matter what Janet thinks, you will be taking a huge risk." She paused again, then, "I wrote a letter that I want you to give to the Principal. I have no idea what good it will do, and I can't even say that you won't be thrown out, but maybe it will help. Just hold your head up high and be polite, act like a lady, and hopefully, you and I can get through this." I started to say something, but mom stopped me. "You have been dressing up for years, so you should be able to do as I ask, but we would not be in the mess if you had not jumped the gun and glued those things to your chest! I was prepared to let you be a girl all summer Elaine, but once you step into that school, there will be no turning back. You'll have to remain a girl until you graduate, which is two whole years! It was a stupid thing to do Elaine, and now you'll have to pay the price for it. I'll help you all I can, and since I was ready to support you this coming summer, I can support your decision now. But this might not be as easy as you think. Are you ready for all that? Can you take the taunts that are surely coming your way? Can you be a girl for the next two years, when everyone knows all about you?"

What could I say? I nodded my head yes, knowing full well that mom was right. I had not thought about the future, about remaining a girl for the next two years that is, but maybe, after a while, everyone would simply accept me as a girl, then I could just get on with life. In my mind I could see them. The jocks and rocks, all running at me, yelling, calling me names, reaching out to hurt me. It was going to be a very bad day tomorrow if I did not do exactly what mom told me I should do. The weight of what I was about to do fell around me, cloaking me in a gray fog that almost made me sick. I was unable to control myself, and began to cry. Mom came to me, took me into her arms and held me, rocking back and forth as if I were a baby, talking softly, trying to make the hurt go away. I knew that she was just as scared as I was, and contrary to what she said, if I needed her, she would be at the school in a flash. I took solace in that as I went to my room so I could get ready for the next day, MCO day as I began to think of it. (My Coming Out)

I got up early, checked every inch of my miserable hide for excess hair, pulled on some clean panties, then went to shave. As I sat there doing my makeup, I took pains not to overdo things. Just foundation and powder, soft brown eyeliner and blusher. As I pulled on my bra and fastened the front hooks, my boobs swelled up, creating more cleavage than I wanted, so I moved things around until I was satisfied. My padded pantybrief of course, pantyhose, then a plain white round neck blouse without any frills and my tan skirt. Slipping my feet into the taupe flats, I went to the mirror and added my lipstick, a pair of small white button earrings, a watch, then dabbed on just a little perfume. I thought that I might as well wear perfume, wearing a skirt is a lot more defining than a smell. You can't see a smell, you can see a short skirt. I brushed out my hair, letting it fall into the natural pageboy shape, and spritzed it with hairspray. I was ready. Taking my purse over my shoulder, I grabbed my books and left the safety of my room.

Mom gave me a tight hug, handed me the letter, and watched me as I walked out of the house, all without a word. I stopped to pick up Janet, but was surprised when Bill joined us.

"Hi" he said as he got in the car. "You look spectacular Elaine. Just be cool and you'll be alright."

"You're not angry at me?"

"Me? Nah…maybe a little shocked, but what the hell, you look real nice."

"Stop hitting on her Bill!"

"I'm not! I just said she looks real nice!"

"Twice" Janet said, "with feeling!"

Nobody said a word the rest of the way to the school, although I did catch Bill staring at me a few times. As we got out of the car and the breeze filled my skirt, I once again had that ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. Bill took my arm, and began to walk into the school, telling me "No sense wasting time Elaine. Lets just do it." I let him lead me inside, and as I walked towards my homeroom, I was startled to see what was obviously four guys, all dressed as girls!

Janet piped up with "Maybe it's a new thing! Dressing as a girl I mean!"

"Or maybe" Bill said, "People are tired of the way the jocks and rocks are pushing people around, and just decided to support you!"

"Well," Janet said, "Elaine looks just fantastic, so there's no reason for anyone to hassle her any way."

The bell rang, and we split up to get to our rooms. As I walked in, every eye was on me, but there were two other guys in skirts in the room also. Neither of them looked even remotely like a girl. The teacher watched as I sat down as I handed her the letter mom had written. I had not even looked at it. She quickly read it, then handed it back to me.

"This is Elaine. She will be completing the school year with us. No matter what you might think, Elaine is to be treated with the same respect any other student gets. Is that perfectly clear?" Everyone nodded their heads yes. "Good. I see we have two new girls in the class. I certain that you support Elaine, so lets get on with the class."

Nobody mentioned anything about anyone wearing a skirt, and after class, as I walked down the hallway, Bill met me, a huge grin plastered all over his face.

"See! I told you it would be alright!"

Stuttering, I said…"But…but…"

Bill reached out and took my hand in his, patted it, then started walking to our next class. That was fine, but he was still holding my hand! That's when I realized that he had engineered it so that I wasn't the only boy dressing as a girl! By doing it the way he had, I looked positively normal, while the other guys looked like boys in skirts! Compared to them, I was a beauty queen, and nobody said a word about how I was dressed. It went like that all day. The jocks, usually loud and boisterous, were unusually quiet, while the rocks, the kids that tended towards drugs, drinking, and so on, stayed away from everyone. By the end of the third hour I had relaxed enough to act like the other girls did, and not be so stiff. Bill seemed to be close by all day, and what Janet had told me seemed to be true. Bill was drawn to me for some reason. I was willing to accept his protection, although nobody had said a word about how I was dressed all day. Oh, a few girls and a couple of guys muttered at me a few times, but on the whole, I was elated.

Janet begged off riding home, telling me she had something else to do. When I saw Bill grinning at me, I knew better. She had set me up! Bill told me to just go home, since he could walk the rest of the way home. Not expecting it, you can only imagine my surprise when he scooped me into his arms, yanked me close, and kissed me, right on the lips. His tongue pushed in, mixed with mine, and left both of us panting when he broke away. We stood there looking at each other for a moment, then we began to giggle. He turned and walked away, leaving me no longer confused. I knew exactly how much of a girl I wanted to be. I went in and made a small lunch, then I walked down to Bill's house. If he thought he could do that to me and just walk away, well, he was wrong!

I found him in the backyard, lounging by their small pool. He had changed into his swim trucks, a style that didn't hide a thing. He never saw me coming, so I quietly went to the side of his lounger, grabbed hold, and flipped him into the water. As he burbled a bit, I watched him as he quickly rose to the surface, almost rising clear of the water. He was like lightening. His flicked out, grabbed my arm, latched on, and with a small yank, I went sailing into the water with him. Being fully dressed, it wasn't as easy for me to get back to the surface, but I managed, and went to the side ladder and dragged myself out of the water. Everything I had on was soaked! Bill never said a word, he just grinned. Without a word I slipped the skirt off, followed by my shoes and the pantyhose. Then I added my blouse to the pile. I was now down to the basics, and wasn't going to take anything else off, but looking at Bill, I could see that I had removed plenty already. He was stiff.

"Having a little problem there Billie?"

"Yeah. You dumb broads have no sense at all!"

"Dumb broad?" I said, moving closer to him, a fake sneer on my face.

"Yeah. Don't you know just how sexy you are when you're all wet?"

"Am I sexy?"

"Oh yeah!"

Bill grabbed me, pulled me to him, and once again stuck his tongue in my mouth while at the same time, his hand was on my butt. I stood there and let him fondle me, because it confirmed everything I always knew. I was a girl, and this man wanted me. He grabbed my hand and tried to put it on his member, but I refused, even though the thought had crossed my mind. Wrapped in his arms, neither of us saw Janet when she walked out of the house.

"Leave you two alone for one minute, and just look at you! By the way, how come you're half undressed? No! Don't tell me, I can see why!"

"It's not like that Janet!" Pointing at the pile of wet clothes, I added, "Bill threw me in the pool!"

"Men are sexist pigs Elaine! Come up top my room and I'll get you something to wear so you won't have to go home half naked."

In Janet's room, still dripping a little water, we took one look at each other and began to laugh. I removed my bra and padded pantybrief while Janet dug out a blouse and a pair of shorts for me to borrow. That was when she saw my breasts for the first time, but she said nothing as I slipped on the blouse and buttoned it up. The shorts were snug, and shorter than I ever wore before. I went barefoot, carrying my clothes in a plastic bag, following Janet out to the pool, where I stuck out my tongue at Bill, and walked home. I took a quick shower, changed clothes, and went to start dinner. That night I told mom all about what had happened in the school, how Bill had set it up, and made sure nobody bothered me. I also told her that he threw me into the pool. I did not tell her about the kissing part, but I think she guessed.

After that first day, I never had any trouble at school, and by the third week of that summer, mom and I changed my name to Elaine, since we both knew that I was never going to return to being a man, ever again. Bill and I began to date almost every weekend, and he is the one that made me feel like a woman, right to my core. He took me to the Prom, and before I realized it, I was his girlfriend! Just before school began, he and I were out, I let things get out of hand, or rather, in hand, and I let him lead me to the point of no return. I did not flinch, and did what I could for him that night. Neither of us felt the least bit bad about it, and it brought us closer together. Janet and I grew to be as close as sisters, and she helped me through those days when I had doubts about myself, or didn't know how to handle a situation. Oh, mom was there to offer help, but she was a mom, and what I needed was another girl my age. I was halfway through the next term when mom suggested that I see a doctor and start the process to become a real girl. Since it was plain to everyone that I would never be a male again, I agreed, and over the next months my body began to change. By the time the following summer arrived, I now longer needed to pad anywhere, and had developed a full B cup of my own. So, the original question, "How much of a girl did I want to be?" had been answered. Complete. That's how much of a girl I wanted to be, and after I turn 18, I will be. In the meantime, Bill and I are making plans to attend the same college. It's in New Jersey. I know that I'll like it, Bill will be there after all.

 

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