Chapter XIV   Out of the darkness...

It took me some time to write, but here is chapter 14. This is a very light chapter, but long. For fun, do the things Emily does at the end.

 

How Life Can Change

by Little Katie

Reborn

 

"Time for bed sweat-pea," John told his daughter as she sat by his feet.

"I know, but I don't want to," Emily answered back.

"Well, how about this, I will come up with you and tuck you in and spend some time with you there."

"Will you stay until I fall asleep?"

"Sure thing, you must have missed me as much as I missed you." John rose to his feet.

"And more I bet," Emily said as she was picked up into her father's arms.

"I don't know, maybe just a tiny bit more, because I sure did miss you bunches."

Emily smiled at her dad as she put her arms loosely around his neck, "And no one was here to carry me."

"Yes, I suppose not," John started up the stairs, "so what did you do while I was gone."

"Nothing," Emily said shortly, like she couldn't get the word out fast enough. "Just stayed with Mom, mostly."

"Are you mad at her for some reason?" John opened the door to Emily's room.

"I haven't seen you in forever, can we talk about something else?" Emily asked, not wanting to be embarrassed about being infantilized and still struggling with the way her mother ahd touched her.

"We sure can, but sometimes it helps to talk about it." John lowered his daughter to the floor.

Emily closed her door and made sure it was locked.

"Why did you lock the door?" John asked

"I don't want Mom in here."

"And you are sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"Daddy, I'm sure, okay?"

"Okay, you know we love you, right?"

"I know," Emily said as she pulled off her nighty and placed it neatly on a chair.

"So, you'rw ready to get into bed?" John said nervously.

Emily walked over to her bed, and pushed the covers to the floor before she got in. Her father sat down next to her as Emily adjusted the pillow to perfection.

"I certainly did miss this part of the day," John said as he gently rubbed Emily's bare shoulder.

"Want to touch me?" Emily said abruptly.

"I am touching you, silly." John said in the hopes that his daughter didn't truly understand the double meaning of what she said.

"I meant between my legs." Emily said abrasively.

"Honey," John said in shock, "where did you get that idea?"

"Well, when people love each other they touch privates, don't they?"

"Um, sometimes, yes." John stammered an answer.

"Well, you love me, don't you?"

"Of course I do, look at me." John allowed Emily to turn around, so he could look her straight in the eye, "I will always love you no matter what."

"So you are going to touch me then?" Emily said flatly.

"Sweat-pea you are getting things backwards, I think. I love you in a different way than that; one day, when you're about 40 or something, you will meet someone special and they will do that kind of stuff."

"Forty?" Emily exclaimed.

"Well, maybe not that old, but not for a while."

"What love do you have for me?"

"I have a special love, one that parents have for children. One where I would take any pain, to spare you an ounce of grief."

"But parents love kids the other way too, right?"

"You must have watched the news or something?" John pried, trying to find the source for the questions.

"No, I thought you liked me like that?"

"No, it's taken me sometime to get used to, to see you as a girl, and I was just not sure how to handle a different kind of love for you."

"What love?"

"Well, I think a dad loves a daughter in a different way then a dad loves a son. It confused me for a little while, but Bob helped me sort out my feelings."

"So you did want to touch me, but didn't?"

"Honey, even if I wanted to, which I don't, it would hurt you too much."

"No, it wouldn't," Emily said, "it feels nice down there to touch."

"This would be a different pain, like in your mind and heart. A parent should never touch their child that way, it's wrong. It happens to some kids and it hurts them for a long time, I would rather die than do that to you."

"Someone should tell Mom." Emily said without realizing that it had escaped her lips.

"What?" John stood back.

"I didn't say nothing," Emily tried to back out of it.

"You said someone should tell Mom; what happened?"

"Nothing, okay, just nothing," Emily fought back the tears.

"Did she touch it by accident, like when putting your ointment on?"

"No," Emily said.

"Baby, you need to tell me, this way we can handle it." John tried his best to stay calm.

"She put her finger in." Emily cried.

"How...what were you doing?"

"First time, we was playing that I was a baby, and she rubbed it."

"There was a second time?"

"Yes, she came in to the bath and soaped it up and then put a finger on the inside." Emily was bawling.

John put his arms around his daughter. "You were very brave for telling me, too many kids keep this stuff a secret. You are safe now, okay?"

Emily nodded.

"Doesn't feel good for someone to do that when you don't want, does it?"

"No, even though I was in the bath, I felt dirty."

"Just so you know, you did nothing wrong, you understand me. It was not your fault. I will deal with this and we will keep it from happening, okay?"

"Yes, daddy," Emily snuggled into her fathers chest, his one hand held around her hip as the other rubbed her back. She was glad Daddy was home, she felt safe in his arms. The world around her faded away; all that existed was her and her father. His heartbeat put her to rest, and soon her eyes closed and sleep came.

"Poor thing," John said as he put his daughter into her bed, "like she didn't go through enough." He pulled a sheet over her, and looked at the small figure. "She is so cute, but this is a toughie, how to handle Vivian," John thought.

John walked down the hallway and reached his room, and slowly entered.

"Hey honey," Vivian greeted him, "good to have you back."

"Is it?" John asked.

"Sure is, always need a big strong man around, easier to get out of bed," Vivian joked.

"I had an interesting talk with Emily."

"Oh, about what?"

"About the last few days, anything you want to say?"

"Don't go over reacting, so I dressed her like a baby for a few days and made her use a diaper, no harm, no foul."

"Oh, how did you manage to get her in a diaper in the first place?"

"The truth?"

"That would be nice for a change."

"Okay, I made her think she was wetting the bed, but it was really me doing it."

"You wet her bed?" John had a mental picture that didn't fit.

"I put water and vinegar in a baster and wet her bed, like I said, no harm, no foul."

"I see." John kept his anger under control in order to get the full truth. "What else?"

"I may have spiked a muffin?"

"Spiked, with what, liquor?"

"No, ex-lax."

"Why?"

"Because she acts like a little girl with you and not with me, if you weren't such a push-over, maybe I could have had a little girl without my antics."

"Oh, it is my fault."

"Not completely."

"When was it my fault that you molested her?"

"What?"

"You felt her up, you put a finger in her!" John said sternly, unwavering.

"She must be mistaken." Vivian tried to cover up.

"What part did she mistake, that it wasn't your finger in her?"

"I did no harm, lay off, it wasn't any worse than what her friend did."

"Damn it, Vivian, what the fuck do you think you are doing?" John yelled.

"Oh, come on, like you haven't been coping feels."

"No, I haven't. You are not putting this on me. I let a lot of your shit slide; a lot of shit that I should have went off on you about before, but chose to keep the peace. But, listen to me, hear me good, you either get help or I'm taking the kids and having you arrested."

"You wouldn't."

"Sure I would, damn it, I'm not the little push-over you think. You make the choice, either get help, or get walking." John crossed his arms and tapped his foot.

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"I don't know what you are thinking, like you are acting like what you did was okay."

"No, it wasn't," Vivian began to tear, "I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't even know why I'm doing 80 percent of the things I am doing."

"Well, do it again, and you wont see her again, I mean it. Tomorrow we go to the hospital and get a referral for you to see someone."

"I think we should go now," Vivian started to sweat, her expression changing again. She looked distracted.

"I don't think they will have those people there now."

"No, but my water broke."

"Great timing, let me call the doctor and babysitter and get you to the hospital."

John sprang to the phone and quickly dialed the doctor to inform him that Vivian had gone into labor and that they would be heading to the hospital promptly. John then called Barbara, Sean's mother, and told her what was going on. Barbara said she would be right over, and not to worry about anything. John then walked quickly to Emily's room and shook her on the shoulder.

"Wake up, sweet pea."

"Huh?" Emily stirred, "I just fell asleep."

"Sorry, honey, but it's time for the baby and you are going to be getting a visitor soon."

"The baby, now?" Emily said excitedly.

"Yes, but you need to get dressed in your nighty, Sean and his mother are going to be coming here pretty soon."

"Oh, I'm not going to the hospital with you?"

"No, you would be bored, besides, someone has got to make sure the house is safe, okay?"

"Okay, daddy," Emily said as she rolled out of bed. She found her white nighty and slipped it over her head. She grabbed a fresh pair of panties and put them on as well.

"When Sean and his mom come over, let them in, we are going to go now, okay?"

"Yes, daddy," Emily beamed, knowing that soon a new baby would be in the house.

John left the room and met his wife in the hallway. He led Vivian carefully down the stairs and to the car. Luckily, they had been prepared in advance and the suitcase had been sitting in the trunk for the past two months. John opened the door and helped his wife into the car then he ran over to his own side and got in. In a blink of an eye, they drove off to the hospital.

 

Emily gingerly walked down the stairs, excited with all that was going on. She sat down on the stairs and waited for Sean to get to her house. She genuinely looked forward to seeing Sean; at least he remained a friend through all the changes that Emily went through.

It didn't take them that long to reach the house, after all they lived only a few blocks away. The doorbell didn't even ring before Emily opened the door.

"Hi," Emily greeted with great happiness in her voice, as only Sean stood in the doorway.

"Um," Sean just stared at Emily, seeing her in just a short nighty was a new experience for Sean. His mouth stood wide open for a few seconds.

"Catching flies?" Emily joked.

"Um, no," Sean came back to the real world. "My mom is just getting stuff from the trunk," he said very slowly, trying his hardest to make each word come out, correctly. "She should be right in.

"That's fine," Emily was confused about why Sean was talking so weird. "They got you out of bed, too," Emily commented, seeing Sean still in his PJs.

"Oh, yeah." Sean blushed, realizing that he was, in fact, still in his pajamas. "I didn't have time to get dressed up like at the party."

"Me either, but the little horsies are cute." Emily giggled without realizing why.

"Um, thanks, ah, that shirt is kinda nice, too." Sean used the opportunity to look down again, something he was consciously trying not to do. He wasn't use to seeing girls in their sleep clothes.

"It's a nighty, it's what girls wear to bed."

"Oh, no pants?" Sean looked down further, then quickly back up.

"Nope," Emily smiled. "Your mom is coming."

"Emily," Barbara called out, "You going to let us in, or should we have a camp out?"

"No," Emily laughed, "we were just waiting for you. Come in, come in." Emily added some flair.

"Thank you, sweetie," Barbara patted her son on the back to force him in and they both walked past Emily.

"We can go into the den and talk some, if we are allowed to stay up, that is." Emily told Barbara.

"Yes, I think you two can stay up a little bit longer. But not too much, understand?"

"Yes," the children said in unison as they walked to the den, all three together.

Barbara sat in a recliner as the kids claimed a love seat for their own.

"So, are you excited about having a new baby around?" Barbara asked, breaking the silence.

"You bet, it's going to be great."

"Girls." Sean said rolling his eyes into the back of his head and then laughing.

"Quit," Emily said as she playfully slapped Sean in the arm.

"All I know is that girls can't resist a baby."

"So," Emily replied, "babies are cute, what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing, if they were only cute." Sean rebutted, "but they also cry a lot and they smell, too." Sean grabbed his nose and made a funny face. Emily laughed, as did Barbara.

"Are you kids thirsty, or want a snack?" Barbara asked, looking for a way to let the kids be by themselves.

"Sure, I can go for some apple juice." Sean said.

"Me too, please," Emily added.

"Okay, two apple juices coming right up, maybe I'll give you both a little something special extra." Barbara got up and walked off to the kitchen.

Sean adjusted himself so he could face Emily. His eyes looked down at her legs, showing off a little bit of thigh, then he quickly looked back up to her face.

"So, a new brother," Sean said, trying not to think about the things that were entering his mind.

"Yeah, any moment now." Emily smiled, completely oblivious to Sean's wandering eyes.

"Can I ask something?" Sean said abruptly.

"Sure, I guess."

"You're really a girl now, aren't you?"

"I guess, at least for the year."

"Huh?" Sean looked confused.

"I got to live as one for a year and decide if I want to go back."

"Why? You are doing a good job." Sean blushed.

"I don't know what I am going to do, I still got a lot of time left."

"But you like being a girl, don't you?" Sean wanted to add, "Because I like you being a girl," but didn't manage the courage to spit it out.

"Sure, I guess so, I'm getting used to it at least."

"But, you don't like boys?"

"No, yuck." Emily made a face. "Why do you keep asking that question, anyway?"

"I'm just curious, that's all, nothing else." Sean said the words as fast as he could. "You know me, always asking stuff."

"Yeah, always." Emily laughed and then tweaked Sean's nose. "Got your nose." Emily laughed.

Sean clogged up his nostrils and in a funny voice said, "Give it back, give it back, I need it to smell cookies."

"Nope," Emily laughed and pretended to eat his nose; "It's in my belly now."

"Only one way to get it back," Sean continued making the funny voice and leapt towards Emily. He started tickling her sides, causing her to laugh uncontrollably.

"Quit, quit, I give up, take it back, take it back." Emily laughed and kicked, pretending to spit the nose out.

Sean looked down as he made believe that he was reattaching his nose again. All of a sudden, his face turned beet red. He noticed that Emily's nighty had moved up during his tickling and he was seeing something he never saw before.

"What's wrong?" Emily asked.

"Nothing, I always turn red when someone takes my nose."

"Oh," Emily said and then readjusted her nighty without realizing she was doing it.

"I got your juice," Barbara called from the kitchen, "I'll be right there."

Sean moved back, creating a little more distance between him and Emily, when he heard his mother's voice. Emily gave him a quizzical look, unsure why he had done that. There was a small hint of guilt on his face as he put his feet on the floor and faced forward. Emily did not understand this either, but followed suit. The cold floor caused her to giggle when her foot came in contact with it.

Barbara walked in, carrying a tray of apple slices and two tall glasses of apple juice. The apples formed a circle around a small bowl of caramel dip

"From all your gabbing," Barbara said, "I figured you kids might be a little hungry."

"Thanks, Mom." Sean replied.

"Yeah, thanks, Mom," Emily burst out in a fit of laughter.

Barbara smiled at Emily, pinched her cheeks and said, "Don't you like being cute?"

"I can't help it, it's in my blood." Emily laughed and then took a bite out of a caramel-covered slice of apple.

"So where do we sleep?" Sean asked.

"I figured you and I will take the master bed and Emily keeps her own room."

"I can't sleep with you." Sean had a look of terror in his eyes.

"Oh, and why not?" Barbara asked.

"You're my mother, and I'm too old for that." Sean blurted out while Emily laughed at how red he was again.

"What do you recommend?"

"Me and Emily can sleep in her room."

"I guess that is up to her."

"I guess it's okay," Emily said quietly.

"Well," Barbara added, "I assumed this may have come up. Sean, go get your sleeping bag from the trunk and set it up on the bed. You sleep in the sleeping bag and Emily sleeps under the covers, understand?"

"Why?"

"Because, I'm mom, that's why." Barbara made a silly face at Sean, "Or, you can simply sleep with me."

"Oh, okay." Sean said as he got up and went towards the door.

"Besides," Barbara turned her attention to Emily, "I wanted to talk to you some."

"Really, why?" Emily asked.

"Well, I invited you over, but you never came. Sean loves company and so do I."

"Oh, I have been helping my mom with stuff, you know with the baby coming and all."

"Is that the only reason?"

"I guess."

"You can tell me the real reason, maybe I can help."

"Um," Emily stumbled.

"Trust me, I want to help, and I know Sean does to."

"I don't want people to see me like this."

"Like what, a girl?"

"Uhuh."

"But we all saw you at the party, everyone knows what you look like now."

"That was just for my mom."

"It looked like you were having fun at the party."

"I was at times, but adults were around."

"Why don't you want to be around people when adults aren't there?"

"They will see me."

"What's wrong with that? You are very pretty."

"That's just it."

"You don't like being pretty?"

"No, I do, that's the problem."

"How so?" Barbara inquired.

"Everyone knows I'm really a boy, they just changed my outside to look like a girl. But, everyday that goes by I want to be more and more like a girl."

"I think you are doing a good job."

"No, I'm not, I know I'm not." Emily pouted, "There is so much girls do that they learned growing up, and I can't begin to figure it out."

"So you want to go back to being a boy, because you can't pick up on every little thing?"

"No, I like what I am now."

"Just wish you could go back and be born a girl instead?"

Emily's eyes opened wide, like a revelation that never occurred to her had just been presented. "Yeah, exactly."

"So why don't you?"

"Why, don't I what?"

"Be born a girl."

"I'm already born, I can't do it twice."

"Well, your body was born, but your spirit can be reborn, reborn as a girl this time."

"That sounds like church."

"But it works."

"How?"

"Well your brother is being born tonight, right?"

"Yes, so?"

"Why not take his place?"

"I can't do that, can I?"

"Sure, in your mind you can."

"Will it make me a complete girl?" Emily asked in earnest.

"If you want it to, it can."

"You mean no more worrying and being afraid?"

"That's up to you."

"I wish."

"Try it, for me, please?"

"But, I don't know how to, I'm not good at that stuff."

"Tell you what, after Sean falls asleep, you come to me and I will help you."

"It will really make me all-girl?" Emily smiled.

"Honey, I really don't think you got that far to go."

Emily blushed.

"Mom," Sean interrupted. "I'm done."

"Good, It's getting real late, I think you two should turn in. Remember young man, you in the sleeping bag, Emily under the covers."

Sean gave a mock yawn. "Okay, okay, we hear you." Sean held out his hand to grab Emily's hand. Emily looked confused at the gesture; it was a first for her.

"It's okay honey, he doesn't bite." Barbara nudged Emily forward.

Emily slowly and with uncertainty grabbed Sean's hand. His hand felt warm and moist and not all that comfortable. She resisted the urge to pull away though and allowed Sean to lead her to her room. Emily left the door open, unsure what to do with a boy in her room now that she no longer was one.

Sean climbed into his sleeping bag, and zipped it up to his waist before Emily climbed into bed after him. The two faced each other, Emily couldn't see Sean's face, it appeared as a big shadow. Sean, however, looked at Emily as the full moon shined down on her face, turning her fair skin blue.

"I'm glad I'm here." Sean broke the night's silence.

"Me too, kind of."

"Kind of? Gee, thanks."

"I didn't mean it like that, just everything is all upside down and weird still."

"Like a dwarf doing a handstand?"

Emily laughed at the nonsensical comment.

"Look, I was your friend before and I really want to be your friend now."

"That's sweet, if I liked boys I think I could kiss you for something like that."

"Darn," Sean said real quietly.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Sean said as he turned bright red in the darkness.

"Night, Sean," Emily said, as she patted him on the head.

"Good night, Emily." Sean made sure he said the correct name. "I think I love you," Sean said under his breath, wishing for more courage, but finding none.

Emily lay in her bed, pretending to sleep, wondering what Sean's mother had in store for her. "Be a baby again," she thought, "I hope she doesn't think I'm going to wear diapers."

Emily rolled over. Sean was taking deep breaths. "Sean," Emily said in a whisper, "are you awake?"

Sean didn't answer, nor move, nor give an indication that the outside world could penetrate his sleep. Emily rolled out of bed, being very careful not to disturb anything. She tiptoed until she was out of the door and her shadow no longer cast itself into the room. She walked to her parents' bedroom and knocked, as had been her custom.

"Come in." Barbara called from the bedroom.

Emily gently opened the door, and slowly walked in. Barbara was sitting on the bed in a white, terry-cloth robe.

"You sure this is going to help?" Emily asked.

"It should, if you want it to. Come sit down next to me."

Emily walked over to the bed and sat down on the corner. Barbara turned her around so she could brush Emily's hair as they spoke.

"No one ever just sat to brush my hair before bed, it's going to get messy."

"It's always good to do this before you sleep, helps it not tangle."

"Oh, cool." Emily couldn't think of anything else to add.

"So, do you really want to be a girl, I mean totally?"

"Yes, it's just difficult; there is too much and too many people know what I was before."

"Would it make a difference if they didn't know you were ever a boy?"

"Yes, it did at the wedding I went to, I felt relaxed."

"But, you can't around your friends because they know what you were?"

"Exactly."

"Let me ask you one question, and it's very important to be truthful."

"Okay, I promise I will."

"If you could go back, and chose between being born a girl or not getting changed into one in the first place, which would you chose?"

"Being a girl my whole life," Emily said very sheepishly.

"You said that quiet. Are you not sure, it's okay if you aren't?"

"That's not it."

"Then what?"

"Well, isn't it wrong to feel that way, I mean shouldn't I hate this and want nothing to do with it?"

"No, you've been given the opportunity to chose, not too many people get that you know."

"But, I feel inside, like I'm wrong for not hating it."

"Didn't you hate it at first?"

"Yes," Emily answered in a whisper.

"And now?"

"Part of me is happy it happened and happy I'm a girl now."

"But only a part?"

"Yeah, because I feel like I'm permanently in Halloween and soon someone will pull off my mask and see what I really am."

"Which is?"

"A stupid boy." Emily began to sniffle from the tears that had suddenly filled her eyes.

"So let's change that, we will let you be born a girl. You will swap places with your new brother during his birth, if you're honest with yourself, your doubts will go away some, okay?"

"Okay, I'll try." Emily wasn't sure anything would work, but she trusted Sean's mother wasn't going to do anything that would hurt.

"Close your eyes, child." Barbara instructed and Emily followed. "Take deep breaths, cleansing breaths. Feel your heartbeat slow down. The world does not exist yet. All that you hear is my voice and our hearts beating in unison." Barbara gently pulled Emily onto her lap, making sure not to disturb her from her deep meditation. She wrapped a blanket around herself and the child; getting them as close to each other as possible. "You are in a safe place," Barbara continued, "no one is in your own little world but you, you and the soft sound of my voice and the consistent beating of our hearts."

Emily felt the warmth fill her body, and soon all of the sounds that people automatically just block, disappeared. The clock ticking, gone. The occasional car that drove down the street, gone. She truly was in her own little world.

"Where are you, Emily?"

"The womb?" Emily answered and asked simultaneously.

"Very good, you catch on quick."

They spoke in whispers as Emily grew more and more comfortable with where she was.

"Do you know what today is, little one?" Barbara spoke in a slow even voice.

"No, what?"

"It's going to be your birthday, little baby Emily will be born into the world as a girl, if she is ready?"

"Yeah," Emily said with happiness in her voice, "I like it where I am, in my safe spot, but I'm ready for out there."

"Okay, little one, look hard in your own world."

"Okay, I am, what am I looking for?"

"A small hint of light, it's what leads to this world."

"I think I see it."

"Good, now go toward that light."

"I am, I am," Emily's breathing increased and her body started to twitch involuntary.

"Are you at the light?" Barbara asked slowly.

"Yes, it's too small to squeeze through."

"Try and it will open up further for you, trust me."

Emily's mind's eye played the scene out. Her crawling out into the bright light. The glaring bright light, that caused her to be blind to anything but it.

"I'm out, I'm out," Emily said with glee and turned around to receive a hug from Barbara.

"I see that little girl, a brand new little girl, too."

"That's me," Emily smiled as she threw her hands around Barbara.

"Well, Miss Brand New Baby Girl, even though you are new to the world, it is time for bed."

"I know," Emily smiled.

"You want to go sleep with Sean, or in here."

"In here, I don't want to wake him."

"Okay, I'll snuggle the new baby all night then, if that's alright with you."

"It's more than alright." Emily lay back on the bed and Barbara threw the covers over her. Barbara then got into the bed, and wrapped Emily in her embrace. She slowly rocked the child and petted her head.

"I tell you what," Barbara said softly, "It certainly is a rare honor to be the first to rock a new born girl to sleep."

Emily didn't reply, just closed her eyes and drifted back into a whole other world.

 

Yes, it did get, um, different, there at the end. I have no idea why, but it is where the story led me. Like I said, I don't write the story, I observe them and chronicle what I see.

  

  

  

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