This has got to be the toughest write I have done in this series. I cried while writing, and it may or not affect you the same way. Is death the end or a new beginning, or does it matter.

  

How Life Can Change

by Little Katie

Every ending is a new beginning...

Dearly Departed

 

An eerie silence filled the Corsi household. No one recognized the sound, nor even acknowledged its existence at the time. Emily begin to feel dizzy, the room began to spin around her. The normally cold tile floor, felt warm beneath her. "This will teach them", she thought as she closed her eyes.

Suddenly, Emily felt light as air, she floated about the bathroom, not fully aware of what had happened. She looked down upon the floor. The little girl that she use to see in the mirror lay there still. Emily paused for a second, "She's no longer in the mirror" she thought.

Emily looked at the naked body, lying still in the fetal position. Red poured onto the floor, it looked like a river of blood was flowing in the bathroom and the river flowed from the little girl's hand. "Oh my," Emily thought, "this is much more messy then I had thought. Mom is going to be real mad." Emily listened to the silence, she listened for all her worth. She heard the sound of a heart beat, the little girl was still alive.

"Quick, quick, someone come," she tried to yell but made no sound. "Oh, no, poor little girl," Emily swooped down next to the child, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't know. What have I done? I didn't want this." Emily began to cry, laying next to the little girl, trying to reverse what she had done out by pure effort of will. The sound of the heart beat grew ever quieter, the drum beat ever softer—till it was still.

"No, little girl, don't die." Emily placed her hand on the small child, she felt the body grow ever colder by the second. Emily slept by the naked child on the floor, trying somehow to give it warmth, knowing that she had caused this all.

Morning came, the bang on the bathroom door frightened Emily. She flew into the air and hovered over the still child.

"Emily," Vivian yelled, "open this door this instant."

"Emily," Vivian said is a calmer voice, sensing something was wrong, "please open the door for Mommy, I'm not mad."

"Emily," Vivian started to get frantic, she pounded on the door, ever louder, "is everything okay? This isn't funny anymore, open up.

Emily did try to answer, but her voice could not make a sound. She knew her mom was addressing the little girl on the floor. "Please get up child, please," Emily pleaded. While she begged, there was a loud crash, and the door flew open. Emily fled back against the wall, knowing that she would have to explain this mess somehow.

Emily's mother stood at the door, her eyes as wide open as her mouth. Vivian stood at the door in disbelief.

"Mom," Emily tried to explain, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't know." Vivian stared at the little girl on the floor, she didn't look up to hear what Emily was saying.

Vivian made no sound, she made no movement. Emily realized she couldn't see or hear her, she could just see the little child on the floor.

"Oh my God," Vivian yelled as she dove to the floor, "my baby, what did you do, why?"

Vivian grabbed the still child in her arm, soon her robe was stained with the child's blood.

"John," Vivian screamed, "John hurry, John quick. Oh my God, run, John."

Downstairs where he had been sleeping after the argument, John had just started to stir from when he heard the call from his wife. He knew that voice, and he knew something serious had happened. At first he thought she had started her labor. He ran up the stairs as fast as he could.

"What's wrong, hun?" he yelled at the foot of the stairs.

"Come here, quick," Vivian yelled from the bathroom.

John ran to the bathroom, he looked and saw his little girl laying on the floor.

"Oh no." John said as he saw what happened, "hold on, baby, hold on."

"I'm right here daddy," Emily yelled from above, watching the action below. "Daddy look." Emily cried because her father couldn't hear her.

John tore his pajama tops, making bandages out of the torn shreds, he wrapped each bit around his little girls wrist, hoping that somehow, he wasn't too late.

"Keep pressure on them," John said as he wrapped his wife's hands around his makeshift bandages.

John ran to his bedroom, slipping a little in the child's blood as he left. He grabbed the cordless phone and dialed 911 as he raced back.

"Yes, this is an emergency," John yelled, "come quick, my little girl slit her wrist. No, I don't know exactly when, we just found her. No, I last saw her last evening when she was going to bed. She's nine. Hurry, please. I am calm."

John gave the operator the address and then knelt by his little girl, the blood on the floor began to soak in his pajama bottoms. He took the child's head and placed it in his lap.

"Hold on, baby, please, be strong for daddy, I need you." John pleaded.

"Daddy," Emily cried from above, "I didn't know, honest, I didn't know. I'm sorry, so sorry."

Sirens could be heard in the distance, growing ever closer. There was a loud knock at the door, help had arrived. John rushed to the door, unlocking it and letting the paramedics in.

"She's in the bathroom, follow me." John raced up the stairs with EMT closely behind. "Here she is, right here. John pointed out the child.

"Ma'am, we need you to step away, we need to do our job." The EMT told Vivian.

Vivian clung to her child, "Save her, please God."

"Ma'am, you got to let go."

John came in and had to physically pry Vivian's arms from around their child. He dragged her out of the room and let the paramedics try to save the little girl.

The paramedics tried to get a pulse, they found none, they pounded on the child's chest and blew in her mouth, nothing. They tried these things repeatedly, nothing worked.

"Try harder, please, I take back, okay, I take it back." Emily still tried to yell.

"Sorry, ma'am, it's too late." the paramedic said with a frown.

"No, no," Vivian screamed, "she can't be gone, try again."

"Ma'am, we didn't get here in time, she must have done this several hours ago."

"No, damn it, you're lying, No." Vivian screamed and John held her from rushing the paramedics.

The paramedics took out a big black plastic bag. They gently placed the child in it and zipped it up.

"No," Vivian cried, "no."

The EMT placed the bag onto the cart and wheeled it down the stairs.

Vivian stayed still for a moment, and so did John, both standing there, watching their child leave the house for the very last time.

John went to put his arm around his wife.

"Don't touch me." Vivian yelled.

John took a step back.

"You did this," Vivian accused. "You drove her to this, you made my baby do this. Had to be soft, now look at what you done."

John stayed still. He didn't move at all, even though his wife began to slap his face and beat on his chest.

"It was your fault," Vivian yelled and started to call him every curse in the book.

John stood there, motionless, he could feel nothing, numbness surrounded and filled his body.

Emily just watched and cried, she created all this, she knew she had. There was nothing that she could do about it now, and nothing she could say. Nothing her parents could hear anyway.

"Daddy, Mommy," she yelled, "I'm sorry, I love you."

Her house faded into darkness and her parents grew smaller. "I love you," she yelled as hard as she could, her parents images darkened and disappeared.

Emily felt very cold, very afraid. She cried in the darkness, but no one could hear her. She longed for the feel of her father's arms, arms that could make her feel safe, even in this place. They never came. She stayed in the darkness alone, not knowing how much time had passed. Sometimes she slept, at the times she didn't sleep, she cried.

One day, light began to enter back into her eyes. She didn't know where she might be, near some kind of building. She floated on inside. Her parents were there, so were all her friends. Her mother wore all black, her face covered in a veil. Occasionally she raised a tissue to dry her eyes. Her dad had also dressed in his blackest suit; the only color, the white dress shirt he wore underneath. He shed no tear, but from the look on his face, you could tell his heart had been broken.

Many people came up to them, saying how sad it was that this had happened. Some said to not blame themselves. "How could I not blame myself," John thought every time he was told not to. Vivian also blamed John, she made that known anytime someone was in earshot. All of Emily's friends were dressed in dark clothing. Emily floated to the inner room. A small white casket stood at the front, the flowers surrounding it made it seem almost peaceful. She glided up to the casket; to her surprise, the small child was in a neat gray suit.

"This isn't right," Emily said, "she should be in a pretty dress."

No one heard her, no one could.

Jessie entered the room, her small frame looked frail. She wore all black from head to toe as well. She walked up to the casket.

"Wake up, Emily," she said.

"Wake up," she said even louder, she threw her hands on the lifeless body, "wake up, I need you, I love you."

Jessie's mother came and had to carry her away.

"I'm sorry Jessie, I didn't think, I'm so sorry." Emily shouted. "I love you, too," Emily said as the doors closed behind Jessie.

Emily watched what went on from the back of the room. Everyone walked up and said good bye in their own way. Some silently, some with small words. The pastor of their church got up front and gave a small speech, saying how tragic it was to lose someone so young, how we must gather strength in God to move on. He said that in time, we will grow strong, and that they will never forget John Jr., life will continue. It is all part of God's ultimate plan.

"They called her John, maybe it is still John to them. Everything says John." Emily went around the room and sure enough all the flowers were to John, and all the cards were to John. Emily sat next to her parents.

"You sure with all this John stuff?" Dad asked Mom.

"Yes, I guess that accident did kill our baby boy after all."

Emily sat there, stunned, knowing that whatever she said would not be heard, they were deaf to her voice now. She saw her pastor spray water on top of the casket, and then close the lid. Several of her teammates walked around the casket and carried it out the door and into a big car. Emily jumped in with it and waited to see where it went. The car drove around to the baseball field and past her house. It then went to another field, Emily knew this was the final field the body would see. They spoke more words there and the people said some final words. Then everyone went their own way, everyone except the pastor and Emily's parents.

Slowly they lowered the white casket into the ground. "No, stop," Emily yelled. "I'm right here," she jumped and waved, but no one could see her. The casket dropped at the bottom of the grave, it gave an unsettling thud. John picked up a shovel, taking a big scoop of dirt, and threw it on top of the casket. "Good bye, sweetie," John cried, "I wish you knew how much I loved you, how far it reached. I will miss you, you don't know how much I hurt."

"Daddy," Emily yelled and cried, but her father still could not hear her.

Her mom took the shovel next, in like manner she took a scoop of dirt and threw it atop the casket. "I wish you would have thought before you did this, we loved you, we could have worked this out. You just needed to give me more time to get you used to all this. Everything would have been fine."

The pastor removed a blanket that covered the tombstone, her parents just stood there, looking at it.

Here lies Our Beloved Son: John Michael Corsi.

"Time to go little one," a voice called out.

"Huh, what, you can see me?" Emily said as she turned to find who was speaking to her.

"I've been watching you your whole life, little one, it is time to go." A beautiful lady, who dressed in all white, looked as if she were shining. Her long blonde hair, flowed down her back and danced in the wind.

"Who are you?" Emily asked.

"More important than who am I, is what I am? I am your Angel, I've come to take you home."

Emily didn't know how she knew, but she knew that the Angel would take her up to be with God. Emily walked toward the beautiful woman. The Angel put her arm around the child, and they both floated off to the light. The light called to her, and Emily longed to get there quickly.

The light shined brightly, so brightly that it blinded the child momentarily as she flew through it. After a few minutes Emily's eyes adjusted to the brightness and she looked around. The buildings were all marble, they felt smooth to the touch. Emily looked down and saw that her feet were planted on a solid gold, brick road.

"Here, wear this child." The angel handed Emily a garment.

"It's a dress." Emily said.

"It's a gown, put it on, child."

"So, even in heaven I got to dress like a girl?"

"Child, everyone here wears that, it's our official fashion." The angel giggled slightly.

"Even boys?"

"Yes, even boys, but according to my records you were a girl down there on Earth."

"Only towards the end." Emily tried to correct.

"I know towards the end, and I know about the accident and the change, I was with you, you just didn't see."

"Oh, so am I still a girl up here."

"Child, look down and tell me what you see."

Emily looked down, she noticed only smooth skin, even the scar was gone. "Oh, I guess I'm still a girl."

"You assume too much, child. Look at the whole area, tell me what you see."

Emily bent down to see her whole groin, not only was there no scar and no penis, but there wasn't anything else, either.

"I got nothing there." Emily observed, marveling a little.

"Correct, in heaven we do not have gender, you can be whatever you want whenever you want."

"What if I want to be alive again?"

"You should have thought of that sooner, shouldn't you?"

"Yes," Emily said meekly.

"Well, no worries, you'll have lots of time to think of it while you are here. If you so choose. There are a lot of other things you can do while you are here, and there is no better place than heaven."

"Yeah, I only wish I got here later.

"Well, think on that, and I will come and get you later. Have fun and explore some also; you will see, nothing you desire will we lack."

"Bye," Emily waved as she watched the angel disappear.

Emily walked along the golden pathway, looking down and marveling at the beauty.

"I must have hurt a lot of people," Emily thought, "It was a stupid, dumb, thing that I did."

Emily walked up to the sea. She had been looking at it from afar, the water looked as clear as glass. She came upon the water sooner than she expected. She looked down into the water and noticed the little girl staring back at her.

"I'm sorry, little girl, you deserved better then to have me be your reflection. You were a good little girl, pretty too, I shouldn't have done what I did."

Emily shook her head and closed her eyes. The world remained silent.

 

* * * * *

 

Emily opened her eyes again, she saw the teary eyed girl staring back at her. The marks on her face were red, and the tears had caused her eyes to puff.

"I'm sorry for what I was thinking little girl," Emily told the reflection in the mirror, "but I couldn't do that to you."

Emily slid the razor back in the sheath and placed it back into the medicine cabinet. She closed the cabinet door and stared at the little girl, who looked back at her.

Suddenly, she fell to the floor, crying and weeping. Had she seen a glimpse of what might have happened, or had it all been a child's daydream? She kept seeing the faces of her parents, solemn and crying. She kept seeing Jessie, her small hands trying to wake the sleeping child in the casket. "What was I going to do?"

Emily saw in her mind, the body of John lying in the casket, and the tombstone that bore his name. She heard her mother's words, "The accident killed our son after all."

"John and Emily are the same," the child said to herself, "I did not die in that accident, and I did not die now, we are the same person, we will be the same person, just different."

Emily felt a renewed strength in her, she felt it through her legs and picked herself up off the floor. She stood in front of the mirror again, looking at her reflection. "Don't worry, little girl, I may not have in the past, but I love you now, we will figure this stuff out together." Emily kissed the girl in the mirror.

Emily slowly tiptoed out of the bathroom, and walked downstairs. She walked into the living room where she knew her dad would be sleeping.

"Something wrong, sweet pea?" Dad asked, knowing it could be any number of events, but he didn't think of the one that had so nearly just happened.

"Yes," Emily answered.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Then what can I do to help you?"

"Just hold me and rock me and make me feel safe."

"You bet," John opened up his arms. His naked daughter jumped into them like she had been missing his embrace for an eternity. Her bare skin felt good against his naked arms. He lay back on the couch and pulled the covers over both of them. He gently rocked his little child, not knowing how close he almost came to losing her.

She closed her eyes, and fell asleep in his arms. In this fortress, Emily felt safe from the world's harm and from hateful words; she also felt safe from her own impulses as well. John, too, fell asleep; holding his little girl gave him great comfort, and a feeling that he was very important.

 

This event was taxing, I know it is not that long, but it was emotional for me and for my own reasons, it needed to be written. It gives Emily some finality about the accident and what she was and is. I know a lot of the story has been an emotional roller coaster, or maybe not. If you have any feelings about this chapter please comment; this chapter more then the rest, it will mean something, even if you hated it.

  

  

  

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