How I Spent My Summer Vacation

by C. Sprite

 

Chapter Sixteen

 

Fortunately, there wasn't much activity in the neighborhood when we arrived home. I wanted to change my clothes right away, but Mom insisted that we empty out the car first, and I admit to feeling very exposed making trip after trip from the car in my miniskirt and heels. We carried all the boxes into my bedroom and stacked them against the wall because Mom wouldn't let me just leave them in the living room or hallway. She said that we couldn't take them to the Goodwill until Saturday, and she didn't want to be tripping over them until then.

With the car unpacked, I was recruited to help with dinner. Mom said I could show off what I'd learned as she put an apron around me that was longer than my skirt, and pointed to the refrigerator.

"There's a small chuck roast, carrots, celery, and an onion in there. There's a sack of potatoes in the hall pantry, and you know where we keep the pressure cooker. Cut the roast into small chunks for a stew. I'm exhausted from driving all day, so I'm going to take a little nap. You're the lady of the house for tonight. Call me when dinner is ready."

With that, she turned and went to her bedroom. I stood there dumbfounded for a few seconds, then rolled up the sleeves of my blouse and went to work.

 

I shook Mom's shoulder gently and she awoke.

"Dinner's ready, Mom."

"What? Oh, okay dear. I'll be there in a few minutes."

I returned to the kitchen and checked the pressure cooker, which was now sitting in the sink. I had used cool water to chill the pot down so the top could be removed safely. Mom came in as I was setting the table, and sat down at her regular place as I finished putting everything on the table for the meal. A steaming bowl of stew was the last thing I put out.

"I only used a moderate amount of salt and pepper so you might have to add more," I said, as I ladled up a portion of stew for Mom. I put a portion into a soup bowl for myself and took my seat.

"It smells delicious, honey. I'm starved."

 

When we had finished eating, Mom said, "Delicious, dear, and the salt and pepper was just right. I'm very impressed. You really did learn a lot in Illinois."

"We all pitched in to do the cooking and cleaning, and of course I helped with the cooking and cleaning at the catering shop also."

"Let's put the leftover stew away and clean up. Do you prefer to wash or dry?"

I shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

"Okay, I'll wash."

Mom left the kitchen after washing the pressure cooker and dishes. I finished drying, wiped down the kitchen table and counters, and swept the floor before going to my room, where I found Mom going through my closet.

"What's up, Mom?"

"I'm just cleaning out your old clothes. There's lots of old stuff in here that you haven't worn in years; stuff so small that you can't wear it anymore. We might as well take it with us to the Goodwill."

I looked at the stuff piled on my bed. As she had said, it was all stuff that I couldn't wear anymore. Most of it was two or more sizes too small, and while I wasn't very tall, I had certainly outgrown this stuff. My current jeans and shirts had been pushed to one side of the clothes rack as she continued to work.

When she was done, she looked at the large pile of clothes and said, "We'll need a box to put it in." She looked at the boxes that we had brought back, but I knew they were full. "You know, I'd love to see you in that fifties gown we brought back. Would you model it for me? Please?"

How could I refuse? I was still Ashley, after all. "Okay, do you remember what box it's it?"

"No, I don't. We'll have to look through them until we find it."

So began our hunt for the dress. Mom picked a box and I cut the tape, then I started taking the clothes out. Everything was still on its hanger and as I worked to get to the bottom of the box, I handed the clothes to Mom, who turned around and hung them in the closet. As it turned out, the gown was in the last box I opened. By then all the clothes had been put into the closet. Then we had to find the shoes. I dumped the large box containing the shoes and pocketbooks out on the floor and Mom paired them up.

The floor was now cluttered with empty boxes, shoes, and pocketbooks, and the bed was covered with old clothes, so Mom suggested that we use a couple of the empty boxes to hold my old boy clothes. While I folded the clothes into a box, she organized the shoes on the floor of my closet.

"Do you play any of these old games anymore," she asked, pointing to the games on the closet shelves. "I mean, you mostly play video games, right?"

"I haven't played any of them in years, but I'd like to keep a couple of the board games and puzzles."

"Pick the ones you want to save, and give me the rest. I'll put them into a box to go with the clothes."

I moved to the closet while Mom finished packing the clothes from the bed. When I was done, she sent me to get the roll of packaging tape from the basement, and when I got back, the floor was clear. She had put all the pocketbooks into the emptied shelf space, and stacked the last of the now empty boxes.

Her last task was to clean out my dresser of old underwear and socks that I never used anymore, but they went into the ragbag instead of a box to the Goodwill.

"Okay, we have enough room now so we can empty out your suitcases."

Opening my suitcases, she retrieved the long slip and bustier that I had worn with the gown, while I removed my blouse, skirt, and bra. I clipped the bustier around me, while mom removed the gloves that were pinned inside the gown She held the gown so I could step into it and then pulled it up. It was very tight around my hips and she had a lot of trouble getting the zipper started.

"Did you wear a different corset when you wore this?" she asked.

"Yes, but this one isn't much different. Both only came down to my hips."

"Perhaps it shrunk when it was cleaned."

"Nicole was supposed to have had it dry-cleaned. Isn't that guaranteed to clean without shrinking?"

"I thought so."

She tugged on the gown and zipper until she got past my waist. From there it moved more easily. I sat on the bed while she put the shoes with the five-inch heels on my feet and helped me stand again.

"Breathtaking," was all she said. "How much did you say this cost?"

"I think it was five dollars, with the kid gloves."

"Five dollars? Amazing. The gloves alone would cost well over a hundred dollars today."

"Well, they are fifty years old."

"I have to have a picture. One without men in it who are sticking their tongues down your throat in an effort to lick your tonsils. Fix your face and hair, and I'll get my camera."

Retrieving my pocketbook, I dug out the cosmetics I would need, and then started on my face. When I was through, I brushed my hair. There wasn't time to curl it so the picture would have to show it mostly straight, as it had been at the dance, but there was still a little curl left from this morning. I dug out a couple of bracelets and a necklace that matched the earrings I was already wearing. When Mom came back she helped me with the gloves and bracelets.

"Not in here," she said when I posed for her. "Let's go into the living room."

I had forgotten how difficult it was to walk in the dress and it seemed to take forever just to get to the living room, normally a five-second trip at a leisurely pace. Mom caught up to me as I reached the living room and then posed me in front of the far wall, where the room looked more like a fifties style house. She said she wanted a picture, but she shot about eight with me standing, and then took the rest of the roll with me sitting on the sofa. I figured that it was better for her to get all she wanted, because I didn't want to get into the gown ever again.

As I sat on the sofa, I realized that I had worn two padded briefs when I went to the dance, but Mom had trouble zipping the dress over my tush today, while I was wearing only an unpadded brief. Had the gown shrunk, or had my tush grown so big? I was so relieved when Mom finished the roll of film that I pushed all other thoughts aside.

I needed Mom to help me stand up again, and then struggled to get to my room. After she removed the bracelets and unbuttoned the gloves, I peeled the gloves off and tossed them on the bed. Mom had already started working on the zipper. She had trouble with the hook and eye at the top, but then managed to open it and pull the zipper down. I pushed the gown down and stepped out, holding onto Mom's hand to steady me. While Mom put the gown on the hanger and pinned the gloves back inside, I removed the slip and walked to my closet. I took a pair of my jeans out and was about to step into them, but I had to stop and remove my heels.

With my shoes off, I tried again. I got the jeans up to my hips and that was it. "Mom, I can't get my jeans on."

She finished hanging up the gown and looked at my predicament.

"Are they an old pair that you'd outgrown?"

"They are a little older, but I could wear them before I left. The bus company lost all my newer jeans."

"Try a different pair. The largest pair you have."

I looked through my remaining jeans and selected a pair that I hadn't worn previously because they were much too big. I stepped into them and pulled them up. I managed to get them all the way up, but I was never going to close them. I could close the button at the top, but the zipper didn't have a chance.

"What am I going to do?" I said to Mom. "I don't have any jeans to wear tomorrow.

"Hmmm," was all she said.

"The stores won't be open until after school begins."

She looked at me, and then at my closet. "You have a lot of nice skirts and dresses. What about that lovely gray suede outfit you wore yesterday. That looked very nice."

I was struck dumbfounded for a minute. Mom was still thinking of me as Ashley. "Mom, I have to go to school as Jimmy. Jimmy can't wear a dress or skirt to school."

She looked at me intently, embarrassment showing on her face. "Oh. Oh, yes. You looked so lovely in the gown that I forgot for a minute. How about a pair of my jeans. We're about the same height. The waist will be a little loose, but you can pull it in with a belt and let your tee shirt hang outside."

"I can't wear girl's jeans to school."

"Why not? They're basically the same as men's jeans, except for slight differences in their cut. We women just have larger thighs, wider hips, and higher, smaller waists. You can wear a long tee shirt that will cover most of that."

"Are they a name brand that shows they're made exclusively for women?"

"Honey, we're not rich enough to buy designer clothes. I buy generic jeans."

"Okay. I'll try them on."

Mom went to her room and returned with a pair of her jeans. "Here, try these. I don't wear them anymore because they're too tight around my waist, but you won't have that problem."

I tried the jeans on and they fit fine, except for the waist. It was inches too big, but as Mom said, a belt could fix that, and I began to feel a little better.

"I don't understand how your hips, thighs, and legs could have grown so much over the summer," Mom said.

"It's probably the vitamins that I've been taking," I said. "Suzanne said one would make me retain water. My skinny legs and tush filled out pretty quick once Suzanne brought them home for me."

"Where are these vitamins?"

"I put them in my biggest pocketbook. Suzanne got me an extra large order just before it was time to return here."

"Let me see them."

I got the bottles and gave them to Mom.

"They're not marked," she said. "I wonder what kind of vitamins they are?"

"I don't know; I just took one from each bottle every morning. I went to the hospital every couple of weeks for a check-up so Suzanne could watch my progress."

"Every couple of weeks?"

"Yes. She said that I was run down and she wanted to get me on a regular regimen of vitamins. She even gave me shots a few times."

"Was a doctor present?"

"No, but she said a doctor was monitoring my progress through the reports. She took a blood sample each time I went."

"Let me have one each of the pills. I'm going to ask Mr. Millar, the pharmacist, to identify them so we'll be able to refill the bottles when these are gone."

Opening up each of the four bottles, I removed a single pill from each and handed them to Mom, who took them and wrapped them in a tissue, then left to put them in her purse while I removed the jeans and put my miniskirt and blouse back on. It was still early so I went into the living room to watch some television. Mom came in and sat on the sofa next to me a short time later. We found an old movie on one of the cable stations and sat there holding hands as we watched. By the end of the movie we were both sobbing and clutching each other's hand.

 

I awoke early and jumped out of bed with as much movement as my sleeping corset allowed. I had gone to bed without it, but had tossed and turned, unable to fall sleep, so I wound up getting out of bed to put it on. I didn't know how I was going to wean myself off it if I couldn't fall asleep without it.

After the movie last night I'd kissed Mom goodnight and gone to my bedroom to use a nail polish remover on my fingernails and toenails. When all traces of the polish were gone, I'd used a clear polish to improve the dull look. A lot of guys were using it now after getting a manicure, so it shouldn't raise any eyebrows. And speaking of eyebrows, they were a major problem for me. I should have stopped plucking them a month ago, but, being deeply immersed in my Ashley persona, I hadn't thought about it. I would have to use an eyebrow pencil to fill them in and hope that no one noticed. The old excuse about their having been burned off in a barbecue accident might come in handy.

I used the breast form adhesive remover to take off the breasts, and felt very much off balance after they were gone. I knew that it would take a while to get used to not having their weight on my chest, and to not seeing the mounds projecting out from my chest. The skin underneath had stretched more and more with each passing week while wearing the breast forms and I had wondered at each cleaning how long it would take to return to normal when I stopped. At present it almost looked like I needed a bra, and I could probably almost fill an A cup. I definitely had more size than many junior high girls. The skin was soft and spongy and the breasts were tender from having just been cleaned with the special solution that Suzanne had given me.

Not wearing a bra was even stranger than not wearing a corset, and I didn't like wearing boxer shorts after having become accustomed to wearing panties and the control brief every day, but I had an old pair of jockey shorts and wore them instead. They were a size too small and more closely approximated the feel of the brief.

After wearing heels almost constantly for the past several months, wearing sneakers was the strangest of the new sensations. Mostly I missed the height that the heels offered, but I also missed the feel of the stockings, as I had now switched back to plain cotton socks.

I pulled my hair back into the familiar ponytail that I had been wearing for years after I had dried off from the shower. I had worn a shower cap so that it wouldn't be wet for hours and it still had a little curl to it from the mousse. It was the first time that I had worn it this way since going to Illinois. I put a simple gold ring into the lowest hole of my left ear, and flesh colored studs in all the others. In these days of ear, nose, lip, tongue, eyebrow, navel, and genital piercing, a few extra holes in my ears shouldn't cause much of a stir.

When I had finished getting ready to leave for school, I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw Jimmy, sort of, but I also saw Ashley very distinctly. My shape was the biggest problem. If I still looked so very female from the front, I would almost certainly be mistaken for a female from the back. That couldn't be helped, though I tried by wearing an oversized sweater. Although my chest was considerably flatter now that the breast forms had been removed, my tee shirt did stick out slightly from the breasts created by the stretched skin. I wondered again how long it would take for the skin to tighten up now that I wouldn't be wearing the forms any more. Even cutting my hair wouldn't change my figure. I sighed and went to the kitchen to grab a couple of pieces of toast before I had to run for the bus. Mom had already left for work hours earlier.

 

The morning passed uneventfully. I received a few strange looks, but most people just ignored me, as usual, and at noon I joined the girls that I usually lunched with. Most were so excited at being back together that they really didn't notice me at first, but I did garner a little interest when my missing eyebrows were noticed. I had penciled them in, but it isn't the same when you're close up.

"Jimmy," Maryann Wilson asked, "what happened to your eyebrows?"

"Barbecue accident," I said. "I used too much fire starter at a Labor Day picnic and the flame jumped up four feet. I was lucky that I had my hair tied back. The doctor says the eyebrows will grow out again in a couple of months."

"You're lucky you didn't get badly burned."

"I jumped back too fast, but not fast enough to save my eyebrows."

"You've had your ears pieced," Barbara Huffing said. "How come just one earring?"

"I thought one was enough for the first day back. I don't want the goths chasing after me, thinking that I want to become one of them."

That was it, mostly, except I got into the general conversation more than ever before, and from the corner of my eye I did notice Jennifer Crowley staring at me from the other end of the table for almost the entire lunch period. After lunch I walked to my next class with a couple of the girls, and I didn't have any problems until the end of the school day.

 

After the last bell, I was walking through a quickly emptying hallway when I was suddenly confronted by Jennifer Crowley, the girl I had taken to the Halloween dance last year after she had broken up with her boyfriend just a few days earlier. It was my first real date, my only date, and truth be told, Jennifer asked me to take her, probably because she knew that I wouldn't have a date anyway. We had been friends since kindergarten and I eagerly accepted her invitation even though Jennifer, at five-foot-ten, was six inches taller than me in stocking feet and towered over me by nine inches when she was wearing normal heels. Jennifer's Mom suggested we use the height discrepancy in our costuming by going as Sonny and Cher, and we wore wild outfits like those we saw in pictures taken during the sixties of the singing couple. A trip to a local thrift store yielded a bunch of authentic clothes from the sixties; stuff that no one would be caught dead in these days. With a very long black wig to cover her short brown hair, and dressed in high, clunky-heeled boots, and a go-go mini-dress, Jennifer had looked amazing. I found multicolored bellbottom pants, a tied-dyed shirt, and a serape. Jennifer got me a brown wig to wear, and fashioned a thick moustache by cutting off a small lock from it. It tickled. We didn't win a prize, but we had a lot of fun. Most kids had no idea who Sonny was, but everyone knew Cher. My early thoughts that Jennifer might just be using me to get to the dance, where she'd promptly leave to join other friends, proved groundless. She'd stayed with me throughout, and we even kissed later in the evening. It was the first time that I'd kissed a girl that wasn't a relative, and we hadn't kissed like relatives.

Jennifer grabbed my tee shirt now and pulled me into an empty classroom, where she pushed me against the wall after closing the door. Her six-inch height advantage seemed like twice that when I saw the look in her eyes. Putting her palms flat against the wall and trapping me with her body, she put her left knee between my legs so that I'd have to climb over her to get away.

"Hi, Jimmy," she said, looking down into my eyes.

"Uh, hi, Jennifer."

"Where are you going?" she asked seductively.

"To my bus. Home," I said nervously. "Home. I'm going home."

"You look different."

"Do I?"

"Yes, very different," she said, shifting her position so her left hand was free to touch the area where my eyebrows should be. As she fingered my right ear lobe, she said, "What did you do this summer?"

"Uh, I went to visit my cousins in Illinois."

"Illinois? Really? That's funny."

"Funny? What's funny about it?"

"Well, I saw this news broadcast on TV, about a tanker truck accident in Illinois, by a reporter who looked a lot like you. You must have a lot of relatives in Illinois. The one I saw was named James, Ashley James. She even sounded like you. You could be her twin brother." Changing her voice to sound even more seductive, she said, "You know, I had a nice time last Halloween. Too bad we never did it again. Why didn't we? We should do it again, soon. I'm not seeing anyone right now."

"Oh. Okay, Jennifer, anytime."

"I couldn't stop looking at you during lunch today. I kept getting this weird idea."

"Uh, what kind of idea?"

"Well, looking at you I decided that, even without makeup, you're cuter than three-quarters of the girls in this school. I bet if you let your hair down, fixed it real nice, and put on some makeup, you'd be prettier than almost any girl in school." Jennifer reached up and tugged on the elastics holding my hair in a ponytail, causing my hair to spill down over my shoulders. It hadn't maintained much of the curl, but it sort of fell the way that I'd worn it all summer and she rearranged it further. "That made me wonder how you'd look in a tight miniskirt and heels, like that reporter wore. Of course you'd have to have a nice pair of tits, but you already have everything else." She put her hands on my chest and cupped my small breasts. The action sent an electric-like shock rippling through my body. Tugging outward on my tee shirt where my nipples were, to simulate much larger breasts projecting from my chest, she released my shirt and moved her hands to follow the curves of my torso created by my small waist. "My, such a high, small waist; far smaller than most girls our age."

Before I had a chance to respond, she pressed her mouth to mine and kissed me deeply, forcing her tongue into my mouth. Perhaps forcing is the wrong word. I was totally confused, off-balance, and submissive to her will by this time, and I opened my mouth as her tongue touched my lips. I was quite used to having a tongue inserted into my mouth after a summer with George. But if Jennifer had told me to get down on my knees and bark like a dog I would have done it. Not because of her powers over me as a woman, but because of what she had just said. She appeared to know the secret that could destroy my life. I'd never suspected that anyone here would associate me with a female reporter in Illinois on the basis of one report, even though I'd known that the networks and cable news stations had picked up the tanker truck accident coverage and sent it out live if they were on the air. I hadn't expected anyone I knew to be interested in watching a report about an vehicle accident in Illinois.

Jennifer ran her tongue around mine and I responded by lightly licking hers. This was in direct contrast to last Halloween where I'd been the aggressor. Our roles had become reversed and I wondered where she intended to take this. She answered my silent question after pulling out of my mouth.

"Would you like to go to the Halloween dance again with me this year?"

"Uh, what? Halloween?" I was practically sweating by now, and my heart was pounding like a trip hammer. "I have to go, Jennifer," I said shakily. "My bus will be leaving."

"Okay, Ashley, dear," she said seductively. "You run along now. I'll call you later and we can talk about the party. We only have six weeks to get our costumes ready."

I looked at her for a second, realizing that she called me Ashley instead of Jimmy, then gently removed her arm from my waist. Turning towards the door, I hurried away and practically fell over my feet as I ran to my bus. I knew that I had plenty of time because the buses must wait for fifteen minutes after the last bell, but I needed to get away from Jennifer so I could think. My mind was a confused jumble of thoughts as I climbed the stairs of the bus and plopped into an empty seat. Jennifer only lived a couple of blocks away from me, but her house was on a different school bus route.

So now you've heard my tale, and you understand why I'm dreading tomorrow. If Jennifer knows my secret, or thinks that she does, how long will it be before she tells someone else? I stared out the window of the bus and wondered what I had done to deserve this.

 

"Ashley. Hey, Ashley."

Hearing my name brought me out of my stupor. I looked around quickly and realized that the guy calling me was only using my surname. He was one of those characters that always called everybody by their last names. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Isn't this your stop, dork?" he asked rhetorically.

"Yeah, thanks," I mumbled as I jumped up and hurried to get off the bus before the driver started the bus moving again.

Entering the house, I dropped my new schoolbooks onto the kitchen table. I was extremely confused and desperately needed an escape, so I thought briefly about my video games, but opted instead to strip off my boy clothes and become Ashley for the evening.

After putting my hair up in rollers, I put on my underwear and corset. It felt so good to dress up and feel sexy after feeling like a total lump all day. I had never felt sexy as Jimmy, but it was a different matter entirely once I had become Ashley. And where I had previously scorned the tight skirts that Lizbeth had altered to hug my body, I found delight in wiggling into one now. I selected a matching pair of heels, and a knit sleeveless shell top. I even used the adhesive to attach the breast forms rather than just putting them into the bra cups. I applied a set of colored press-on nails, worked on my face before fixing my hair, put on some jewelry, and sprayed on a little scent. When I was done, a sexy looking Ashley, in form fitting clothes, stared back at me from the full-length mirror. I felt whole again.

It was nearing five o'clock, so I quickly donned an apron and started working on dinner. Mom had taken a chicken out of the freezer this morning and it was defrosted enough to cut up and put into the oven to cook after I coated it with seasonings. I peeled some potatoes and put them on to boil so I could mash them later, and selected some frozen peas with onions, but didn't put them on to heat up yet. With dinner started, I dragged out the vacuum cleaner and cleaned the living room. Mom had remarked yesterday, while taking the pictures of me in the gown, that it really needed it. Next I dusted and polished the furniture in there.

I still needed to burn excess energy, so I vacuumed my bedroom because the floor had become dusty from the boxes that we'd unpacked and packed. I even vacuumed out my closet floor, removing all my shoes and then lining them up neatly again afterwards.

The potatoes were cooked by then, so I put the vacuum away and mashed them with a little milk and butter, and while the chicken continued to cook I began working on my homework. Being the first day, the homework assignments were light and I finished quickly. When I saw Mom's car drive up, I turned on the heat under the peas and put the bowl of potatoes in the oven to warm up a little.

"Hi, honey," Mom said as she came in. "Ummm, did you cook dinner? It smells wonderful."

"It's all ready to eat as soon as you're ready."

"Just let me change."

Taking the chicken out of the oven, I placed the lightly browned pieces on a serving dish, but I left the potatoes in the oven until Mom came back and sat down. I had by now drained the peas and onions, and I carried everything to the table, and then took my seat.

As Mom started eating, she said, "This is delicious, Ashley. You've become a wonderful cook. It's so nice to come home from work and have a hot meal waiting."

"I'm glad you like it. The coating on the chicken is a recipe that I learned at the catering shop. Mom, I've been thinking. I should change my name."

"Change your name?"

"Not legally or anything. Just between us girls. Using Ashley is confusing because it's our last name. It wasn't so bad in Illinois, where I used it exclusively, and it was necessary because my ID named me that way, but here I'd like to use my middle name of Michelle."

"Okay, dear, if that's what you want. From now on you're Michelle J. Ashley. It also works better if we should be out and encounter someone who knows that my last name is Ashley. Your boyfriend really threw me when he called me Mrs. James."

I giggled. "You should have seen the expression on your face."

"Mine? You should have seen the expression on yours."

"I guess we were both pretty surprised."

"But-- it turned out to be a wonderful surprise. I really love having a daughter and I'm so glad that you enjoy it also. I was a little surprised to see Michelle here when I got home today; I expected Jimmy. Did you wear those clothes to school today?"

"No way; I'd have been killed if I showed up like this. But I changed as soon as I got home. I needed to get in touch with reality, at least the reality that I've come to know over the last few months. I had a rough day."

"What happened?"

"My English teacher gave us an assignment to write a paper on what we did over the summer. I'm beginning to feel that everyone knows my secret and is conspiring to get me to confess."

"I'm sure that you're imagining it."

"I don't think so, at least not entirely. Jennifer Crowley cornered me after school today. She told me about seeing a news report concerning a tanker truck accident in Illinois, and how the reporter looked and sounded just like me. She described me and the situation accurately. Then she mused on how I'd look with breasts, dressed in a tight miniskirt and heels."

Mom stared at me for a few seconds. "Oh, I wasn't aware that your reporting was seen here."

"One was picked up by the networks and cable news stations around the country because of the impact on the interstate highway."

"Did you admit to it?"

"No, but she felt my eyebrows, earlobes, and waist, before pulling the elastics out of my hair and arranging it around my face. She knows, Mom. I'm sure of it."

Mom didn't say anything for almost a minute, then breathed deeply and exhaled strongly. "We have several options. You can deny the accusation and try to weather out the storm; you can admit to it-- but I think that life would become unbearable if you did; or we can move."

"Move? Away?"

"It might be necessary."

"Where would we go? You can't leave your job. It's taken you four years to reach a decent position."

"We could move to Florida and be near Gram, or we could move to Illinois. And I can always get another job."

"Illinois? Near Aunt Sharon and Uncle Bob's?"

"Yes."

"No, too many people would recognize me there. I'd have to become Michelle, or Ashley, full time, and I certainly can't go back to work at the television station."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't pass the doctor's examination for health insurance. All full time, permanent employees must take the exam."

"We might be able to get around that, with Suzanne's help."

"But everybody there knows me as Ashley James."

"We could legally change our names; both of us. I wouldn't mind being named Mrs. James. Or maybe I'll drop the Mrs. and just tell everyone I'm your older sister. I'm only thirty-two, you know. Lots of families have children spanning sixteen years."

I knew, or least strongly felt, that Mom was kidding about the sister thing, but I was thinking mainly about the first part of her statement when I said, "You mean I should become Michelle permanently."

"You wouldn't want that? After seeing you dressed as Michelle tonight, I thought it was something you might really want."

I didn't say anything for a few seconds. "I don't know. I don't know where I fit in. I'm not really a girl, but then I've never been very much like the other boys. I guess it's like Suzanne said; I fall somewhere on the blurry line in between. I still haven't had a single facial hair pop out, and my voice is a full octave higher than it should be for a male. On the phone, anyone who doesn't know me automatically assumes that I'm a woman."

"This is your chance to decide how you want to spend your life, while your body is still in between. Do you want to be woman or a man?"

"I don't know. I began to get excited when Jennifer kissed me today, and I don't get excited when looking at boys."

"But you seemed to enjoy kissing George? He wasn't exactly forcing you to kiss him, was he?"

"I don't understand that, so I can't explain it. All I can say is that I liked George as a friend, and while I was living as a woman, it seemed appropriate to kiss him."

"So you don't want to be a woman; just a man that dresses like a woman sometimes?"

"No, that's not what I want either. I don't know. There's just too much to decide on."

"I know, honey. It's not easy being a teenager. There are so many decisions that you're expected to make now; decisions that will shape the rest of your life. You're supposed to decide what occupation you'll have for the rest of your life so you can attend the appropriate college and study the appropriate curriculum, and now you have an equally important decision to make about your gender. Just remember that I love you, and I'll support whatever you feel is right for you."

"Thanks, Mom."

 

We conversed very little during the rest of our meal as we both thought about the situation. I knew that Mom had enjoyed having Michelle for company during our trip from Illinois, she had certainly told me often enough, but I also knew that she wouldn't try to push me towards that identity. I had to make this decision for myself.

 

(continued)

  

  

  

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