The House by Janet L. Stickney JanetLynn17@Hotmail.com
The house, dark and cold, stood as a reminder of days past, yet the windows, broken sometime in the past, peered out like two haunted eyes. The wind whipped the unraked leaves in a swirl around the house as the rain threatened from above. As the wind grew cooler, thunder clapped in the near distance, and raindrops began to spatter the weathered siding, a woman stood in front of the house smiling, remembering the days gone by. The once proud house, now fallen on hard times beckoned her inside, and she made her way to the front door, and with a well worn key, opened the front door and walked in. Free of the rain and wind, she let her hood down, and if anyone had been there, they would have seen the golden hair as it fell around her shoulders, her deep piercing blue eyes and a cruel yet sensuous smile. As she walked around the house memories of the past flooded into her, some joyful, but most painful. The floorboards creaked in anger at the unfamiliar weight, yet as she walked through the house she felt as if a catharsis was going on inside her. Memories flooded into her as her smile turned down.
The house was her only legacy. Her father, a bigoted racist of the worst kind, had vowed she would never step foot in this house again when he realized what was going on, but he had died old, lonely, and broke. He had not made out a will, and she had inherited the house by default. Her mother, a kindly woman of great patience had helped her through the rough times with a smile. Her soft blue eyes and golden hair her legacy to the woman who now stood alone, remembering. She left the house, locking it behind herself and sat in her car, letting her mind traverse time, back to her high school years.
My drive was so strong that I could no longer hide it, even from myself, and I went to my room and dressed. The long nights of continued dreaming of what was not. The hours of frustrating anger at myself and the years of my inner knowledge finally took their toll. I spent some of my money, buying the few things I needed, my mind no longer able to resist. It took several hours of emotional sweats and streaked makeup done a few times before I finally walked out of the room, and then, out of the big house. As I walked down the street the taste of lipstick and the smell of the makeup made me smile, while the sway of my short skirt, my blouse, tight over the swell of my small homemade breasts and the tension of the bra straps making me feel so feminine. Just two blocks from the house I was met by three boys I knew, who recognized me at once. "Look at what we have here!" "Ya! I wonder if she puts out?" Then I was assaulted, raped by all three, beaten to a pulp and left bleeding and alone on the sidewalk. After an hour or so I managed to get upright and walked home, only to meet my father. He took one look at me, and beat me again, my wails of rape ignored by him. "You want to be a woman? Well women do things for men and all they were doing is breaking you in!" His shouts drove me to my room, crying and in shame, his shouts and yells of derision hard in my ears.
It was worse than a nightmare as my father stormed downstairs and I tended my wounds alone. Broken teeth, blood everywhere, my hair matted and dark from the scalp wound that would not close up and stop, so I cut the hair away and used a bandage to stem the flow of blood. The shower washed away the blood and dirt, but my shame remained, like a stain on my soul. Mother finally came in and helped me a bit, then I went to bed, unable to stand without aches and pain. I had less than a week in school, all my tests done and completed, so I never returned, even for graduation. They mailed my diploma to me. Every time he saw me, Dad, drunk as usual, constantly asked me if I would "take care of him too". My mother no longer could help me fight him. Her mind, once so strong and clear, had drifted away under his onslaught of hatred and anger, violence and liquor. Now she wandered the house like a wraith, often wearing nothing but her robe. Without her I had nothing at all. She died, of a heart attack the doctor had said, but I knew that her heart was broken, and that's what killed her. My anger at my father rose, gathering steam, until I finally left.
I had been accepted to college and planned to stay at home, but after mom died I changed my mind and applied to a college far away, without telling anyone. When I left there were no farewells, no kisses, tender and soft, no warnings, nothing at all as I packed my things and left the house. It was the last time I saw him.
My name is Janet L. Grant. I'm 23 now, but I was 18 when I left for college. I had about $3000 that I had saved up in my pocket, my luggage in one hand and my books in the other. Back then my name was Jeff, but I had applied to the college as J.L. Grant and been accepted. The moment I decided to change colleges I also decided to become the woman I knew I was meant to be, and carefully, quietly, bought some more clothes. I never looked back as I left the house, my plan in motion as I rode the bus to the far away city, checking into the motel a day later. Near to the college, I would have plenty of time to be able to change into Janet by then. The farther I gotten from my father, the calmer I became, and as I unpacked my few things I knew I could, and would, do this. I walked to a local drugstore and bought the few last minute things I would need, and spent an entire day preparing. On the morning of the day I would register, I selected my outfit carefully. I pulled on the new panties, then did my makeup. No longer sweaty in fear, I was able to create a plain, if not average looking girl. The bra, worn and tired held the birdseed breastforms tightly against my skin, the pantyhose made my legs look long and sexy. I wore a tan skirt that swirled with abandon, the pleats a sign of my femininity. A black pullover top and then the low black heels and a tan jacket, unbuttoned in the warm weather. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail, held with an elastic, then a soft tan satin ribbon for accent. Simple gold earrings and nothing more, soft red lipstick, and a bit of perfume. I gathered up my things and put them in my only purse, opened the door, and set out for the college.
I half expected them to question my credentials, but the lone girl at the desk was harried in the crush of new students, and without the slightest question, I was entered into the rolls as Janet Lynn Grant, female, Freshman, class of 98. My picture was taken and all at once I had my first legal identification that said I was a female named Janet! At another desk the scholarships and loans were arranged, then, to my great horror, I was assigned a dorm room with two other girls! I had expected to have a single room! But no amount of pleading would change anyone's mind, and as far as the woman assigning rooms was concerned, I was lucky to just be there! "This ought to be good" I thought to myself. Wait until they get a load of what kind of girl I am! Then it will certainly hit the fan, and once again I'll be out. Since I didn't have enough money to live off campus, I had no choice and decided to wait and see what would happen. I got the directions and a key, then found the dorm. My room was on the ground floor.
I unlocked the door and went in. Not expecting anyone to be there, I started to look around, and as I opened a bedroom door, I was surprised to see two girls firmly in a clinch, both naked, their lips locked one to the other. They scrambled to gather up some clothes, even as I knew, all at once, that this might work out just fine. "Hi, sorry to break things up. My name is Janet Grant." "Hi" the short one said, I'm Kelly, and this is Jill. We live here too." She struggled to say something about what I had walked in on, and I knew that now was the perfect time. "That's okay Kelly." The girls quickly dressed and when we all met in the small living room, Kelly once again started to explain, but I stopped her. As they had dressed I realized that there was no way I could hide what kind of girl I am, so I decided to just tell them. When I stopped Kelly from trying to explain, I said, bluntly I guess, "I'm not a girl and don't care what you two do." "What!" "I said, I'm not a girl and don't care." We all stared at one another for a moment, the silence pregnant with anticipation, then Jill started laughing. "Janet is right! This is going to work out just fine!" "Come and sit down and lets get acquainted." We talked for hours, all of us pouring our history out to each other. They had met in high school and discovered each other in a more personal way. I told them about my father, his evil ways, and how I happened to be there as Janet.
Jill had a car, and the three of us went to my motel and packed up my things and I moved into the dorm. I had my own room while Kelly and Jill stayed in another. The third we made into an office of sorts. Kelly had a computer, which we set up in there, and after moving the extra bed to storage, we had lots of room. Jill was helping me unpack, and her constant snorting finally made me ask why. "For a girl as pretty as you, your lingerie is terrible Janet!" "IÉI can't afford any better Jill. I'm all there is, and this is it." Her face softened and she said she was sorry. "My folks are loaded and I guess…well, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you." "That's okay." We went out for pizza that night and continued our bonding. Two Lesbians and a crossdresser in one dorm room is a combination that I'm sure the school never planned on, but it happened, and we were busy working it out ourselves. In the morning I got up and showered, then sitting at my small vanity I was busy doing my makeup when Kelly walked in.
We wear about the same size Janet, so your welcome to borrow anything you need. Try this on for size." In her hand was a shirtwaist dress, white with an orchid print. As soon as I was ready, I tried it on, and it fit me perfectly! The three of us started classes that day. As the days went by we became like sisters to one another, borrowing, gossiping, and shopping as a trio. They made no judgments about me and simply accepted me as a person, not a freak of some kind. Under their tutelage, my skills doing makeup and hair improved to the point that I felt I looked at least a little pretty, but they both said I was a stunner. Maybe I was overly critical. Because my money supply was limited, I had to find a job, and without telling them I went looking, and found nothing that paid very much. With all of those students vying for the same jobs, wages were depressed. I went back to the dorm disappointed and unsure of my future. Then Kelly told me, without a lot of detail, about a job in a photographer's studio. The next afternoon I went to the studio. I walked in, the smell of lilacs in the air greeting me. The man that talked to me had white hair and brown eyes that twinkled when he looked at you. His easy smile and calm manner was so different from my father! The walls lining his studio were filled with pictures of girls, all obviously from the college. When I asked him about it, he told me they were his "daughters".
"My wife and I never had children Janet, so we sort of adopted all of the girls that have worked here over the years. You are going to be daughter number 28 as a matter of fact. If you want the job of course." I nodded my head yes, and he hugged me! No man, including my own father had ever hugged me, and I warmed to him right away. He showed me around, then put me to work scheduling appointments. Each day I would attend my classes, work for Henry in the after noon until six, then study at night. He taught me how to develop the film, set the stage, then, how to pose the clients. In time, as I came to trust him, and like all of the other girls that came before me, I learned to love that old man and looked out for him. After two months he told me it was time for my picture to be taken, and when I protested that I had nothing to wear, he opened a closet that was filled with clothes of all sizes and styles! I selected a pink suit with an antique white blouse to wear. The skirt was so short that I was a little worried, but as he posed me and took the pictures, I realized that this man was in love with me! Yet he never once spoke of it or made any move to tell me! I was almost disappointed until Kelly sat me down and explained things to me. "Henry has been taking in girls that have less than nothing for years Janet, paying them well and demanding they study and graduate. He is in love with you of course, but as a father loves a daughter. If he picked up the phone and called, I'll bet every one of his girls would show up. You don't see it because you never experienced a fathers love like that, and it's all new to you." The light came on at last, and I understood.
"Someone told him about me didn't they?" Her downcast eyes told me I was right. "One of his "girls" she said, "is now the head of registrations Janet. I work in her office." Just how, or what would I complain about? I gave her a hug instead. "Thanks Kelly." "Don't thank me yet girl. On Saturday we, the three of us are going shopping and replace some of your stuff, get our hair styled and nails done, then we're going out to party!" "No" I said, "yes" was her answer. "You have the social life of a rock Janet, and we think it's time we changed that, so you're going; peaceful and having fun, or in a sack protesting, but your going!" "Okay! Okay! I'll go!" She hugged me, then I felt her lips on my cheek. "You'll be a hit Janet, and some day some lucky guy is going to get a wonderful wife, so quit worrying so much about how you look."
With Jill and Kelly for support, I made my first foray into the realm of a salon. My hair now shoulder length was cut shorter and styled in an easy to take care of, a soft perm set into it. Another girl did my nails while I was under the dryer. It was all so new to me, yet I knew that I had to take this step to fulfill my inner vision of my own femininity. I now had a steady job, and enough money to elaborate my wardrobe, get my hair and nails done and so on, yet so far, I had retained some iota of fear. As I sat there and my nails were clipped, added too, filed and painted, I began to smile. I had done it! I had conquered the fear that had stalked me for so long, making me miserable and frightened. Then, just as I paid the bill, Jill and Kelly showed up. "God! I think we should put her in a sack anyway!" "You might be right Jill. The way she looks now, hell, we'll be alone all night!" Smiling, I joined my two best friends as we ventured into every lingerie shop in the mall. My only really expensive buy was a pair of breastforms that were very lifelike and matched my skin tone almost exactly. As panties and bras, slips and a padded pantybrief were added to my bags, Kelly and Jill kept telling me what else I needed. Eventually we came to the dress department in a major department store, and I bought three new skirts, four blouses, a coat, two dresses and a suit. Then they insisted that I get my makeup done by a pro, and I found myself in a shop that only sold makeup. I was somewhat embarrassed to take my makeup off because of the beard shadow, but the woman said nothing, and within twenty minutes she was done. One look was all it took for me to realize just how badly I had been doing makeup before. "This one is on me Janet." Jill paid the bill and we were on our way back to the dorm.
We went out that night, and I admit that I had a wonderful time. After that they began to teach me, little by little, how to act like a woman. Mannerisms of every kind, from hand gestures to sitting to walking. The three of us stayed together for four years and no longer had any secrets between us. On my graduation day Henry came and watched as my guest, my only guest. I hated to leave the old man because I had grown to love him, just like his other "daughters", but he also knew I had to go and gave me an emerald necklace as a gift. Then he handed me an envelope. "This is a special gift Janet. You're the only one I have done this for." I started to open it but he asked me to wait until he left. Later that night I opened it, with Kelly and Jill watching. It was a letter, with a check attached!
Dearest Janet,
This is to pay for the remainder of your transformation. You have grown before my very eyes into the vibrant, intelligent woman you were meant to be. Go in peace my daughter, live your life to the fullest, find the man for you and be happy for all of your remaining days. My Martha was a woman like you and she brought me joy that to this day I cannot describe, and won't even try. I shall miss your smile every day.
Love, Henry
I felt the tears in my eyes and was unable to stop them. Henry had known about me all along and said nothing, treating me just like the girl I seemed to be. His Martha was a woman like me? Was she also a male living as a female? That must have been incredibly difficult back then, yet he had accepted her, loved her, and made her his wife. His compassion and understanding seemed to know no limits and I felt the need to rush to him and thank him, but Kelly told me "no". "He said all he has to say Janet. He's relying on you to do what is right, what in your heart you know is right. See him afterwards."
Moving away from the best home I ever had, was more difficult than I imagined it would be. Kelly and Jill moved to New York while I found a job nearby as an Engineer. I used the money Henry gave me and did become the woman I wanted to be. Then I got the key and the deed to the house. Two weeks after my final surgery I stepped into the house once again, for the first time in five years. I had planned long and hard on extracting revenge on the boys that had raped me, but to what end? What lesson would they learn now? I had moved away, grown up, and become a woman. They had stayed and become what they were meant to be. One was in prison for robbery, one was married to a woman that hated him and was a drunk, the third became a Vice President at the bank, then got caught in the banking scandal. Now unemployed, he awaits trial for bank fraud and illegal wire transfers.
As I drove away, the faint yellowish light broke in the lower windows as the fire spread through the house. All at once the flames licked out the upper windows and sought out the roof, burning away the memories of the tortured past. I drove around the block and watched as the house, once proud and filled with hatred and fear burned to the ground. The firemen knew it was hopeless and let it burn, only soaking the ashes of the still smoldering house. I drove away smiling, my catharsis now over. I had settled a debt to myself and now I was going to seek happiness and fame. It lies just over the horizon, but I now fear no challenge because I have already faced the worst life has to offer, my shame and fear.
(the end)
© 1999
The above work is copyrighted material. Anyone wishing to copy, archive, or re-post this
story must contact the author for permission.
At the request of the author, this story is presented in 12 point, Times New Roman.