Lucifer's Daughter

OR

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Satan

by Dr. Bender

A Heaven and Hell tale

        

Chapter 3 – Halfway Indecent

I woke up numb, the sort of numb like you've just banged your wishbone only all over. The light from outside my head was so bright that I could see it through my eyelids but I bravely attempted to open them anyway. After several minutes of wincing from the stabbing pains shooting through my brain, I managed to look around. I was surrounded by whiteness in the same way that I'd been surrounded by greyness back in Purgatory. I couldn't see anything, not even my own body, for the light; though I could feel my hands I couldn't move them. Numb.

"Hello?" I called out but there was no answer other than a feint echo. "Lady Lucifer? Captain Sylvanna? Baroness Lorilei? Anybody?"

I blame my eroded sanity for what happened next. I didn't scream, I didn't laugh, I didn't do any of those hysterical things you see on TV drama. Like a kid on the edge of a cliff, I yelled bad jokes into the emptiness, listening for my own echo. Personally, I think I just needed to hear something, even if it was my own voice.

"What did the leaning tower of Pisa say to Big Ben? If you've got the time, I've got the inclination! Everyone knows that you can get Aids from sex, but Bill Clinton gets sex from aides! What do cannibals do at a wedding? They toast the bride and groom! A horse walks into a bar…"

GOOD GODS, WOULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN, MORON? I'M TRYING TO THINK HERE!

My mouth snapped shut. The voice boomed from out of nowhere and, in the silence that followed, I thought that I had gone mad. Still, childhood training kicked in and I couldn't help but apologize whilst I cringed in embarrassment. "Ah, sorry."

LOOK, LIFE HERE IS HOLLOW ENOUGH WITHOUT LOST SOULS LIKE YOU YELLING PUNS INTO THE EDGE OF INFINITY. JUST SHUT UP AND WAIT YOUR TURN, I'M SURE THEY'LL GET TO YOU IN A MINUTE OR TWO.

"Er…"

OH, BUGGER. NOW I'VE GONE AND PROVOKED YOUR CURIOSITY. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU HUMANS, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO QUESTION ME? WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS, HMMM? DO YOU EVER JUST THINK THAT I MIGHT JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE? THAT I MIGHT JUST WANT SOME QUIET 'ME' TIME TO PONDER ON ACHIEVING MY OWN DEATH RATHER THAN LISTEN TO YOU SELFISH PRIGS MOAN VACUOUSLY ABOUT YOUR OWN? JUST SIT THERE AND SHUT UP!

Not wanting to provoke whatever it was (I have a rule: Never argue with the voices in your head), I kept my mouth shut and started going over the words to Gilbert and Sullivan tunes.

Whatever it was, it was right about one thing. It didn't take them long to get back to me. I felt the pull, at first, as a tug behind my navel. Then a wrenching feeling that spread up my torso, down my legs and finally thought the very tips of my fingers. The world seemed to twist slightly and then I was suddenly lying on the floor in utter darkness, exhausted. Slowly, voices started to come closer and finally I could make out words and syllables formed by a female voice.

"…ady Lucifer, it's just that this is most unexpected. We haven't had a new sister in… oh, a century? Two?"

"Pazuzu," I felt HER voice again like a warm glow suffusing my weary limbs, "you and Azazel have been complaining about being short-staffed for several decades now. I hope you understand how much trouble it was to obtain a suitable candidate."

"Lady Lucifer," I heard Sylvanna's voice over me, interrupting the speakers, "she's awake… a little groggy but awake."

"Thank-you, Syl," Lady Lucifer smiled, "Lord Mephistopheles, our business is concluded, you are dismissed."

I must have been all of three feet from Lord Mephistopheles when he stormed out of the room in a huff but I still can't tell you to this day what he looked like back then.

"Your Hellish Majesty," the first voice, Pazuzu I thought, continued the argument, "I fully understand and I am grateful beyond measure for this precious gift, but the resources I and my vocalist companion have been begging for were more in the nature of personnel seconded from other clans. I assure you that we have more than enough Sedu to perform our duties worldwide."

I felt HER displeasure like someone rubbed ice up my spine. In all the times I'd basked in Lady Lucifer's charisma before, it'd never felt so intense.

"Need I remind you, Pazuzu, that it is your unique skills that make you valuable to my cause? If you need help from the other clans, perhaps I would be better off entrusting more of your missions to the Lilim?"

"No! Er, no, your Majesty, I see your point…"

Something sharp and pointy poked me in the hip, which drew a groan out through my lips. It was a mistake that directly contributed to a second, harder, poke that caused me to flop over onto my back. That was what woke me up screaming; or rather it was the feeling of a lot of things on my body flopping where they shouldn't have flopped, mainly because I'd never had anything that flopped there before. Not to mention one particular part that should, by all rights, have flopped but didn't. Shooting up to my feet, whirling like a dervish, I grabbed my new breasts and flapped my arms like a chicken, consumed with such utter panic as I'd never felt before in my entire life or death. All of which ended abruptly when I tripped over my own ankle and tumbled through a chair, bouncing off the floor by my rounded butt. And when I say through, I don't mean over, I mean STRAIGHT through, like a ghost. In fact it was the sight of my foot still half way inside the seemingly solid matter that stunned me into silence.

Crouching down next to me almost immediately was a petite blonde (a true yellow-blonde no less) with pinkish-red skin, lizard-like claws on her hands and feet, a bare tail lashing around behind her back, pure black eyes and tiny horns crowning her forehead. She took my face in her hands and shushed me like I was a small child, "Shhhhh, dear, it's ok. You're safe here, safe. Here, let me sing to you…"

"Azazel..." A second woman, who I was able to identify as Pazuzu from her voice, interrupted with a tinge of weary exasperation. She was a woman much like the blonde next to me, only tall, voluptuous and dark-haired.

"Oh, come on, just a little?" The blonde protested.

"No!"

Turning to me, Azazel rolled her eyes conspiratorially. "Ignore her; she hasn't gotten laid today yet. Welcome to the Clan!"

She gave me a kiss on the cheek and helped me up onto my feet, setting those extra bits to wobbling again. Apart from Pazuzu and Azazel, Lady Lucifer occupied her throne of bones, though the council table was conspicuous in its absence, appearing amused. Standing next to her, an Amazonian Succubi with pale silver hair was trying very hard not to look amused while the gigantic Sylvanna appeared to have eaten something along the nature of freshly used sweatsocks dipped in turpentine and was trying very hard not to cough the mixture up. Last yet not least, a weird harlequin (complete with black and blue diamond pattern tights) lounged upside-down on the ceiling in one of the galleries, his painted smile a menacing frown upside-down. He had a long rod tipped with a miniature version of his own head jammed in between his legs while his hands worked at stitching something together, composed of vaguely rectangular pieces of metal that I couldn't identify from that distance. I couldn't help it, I stared at him for a while until he winked at me lewdly, and all of a sudden I wanted desperately to look at anything other than him.

"Pretty, pretty pure soul bloody in the tree; K-I-L-L-I-N-G…" the Harlequin whispered harshly, his voice on the edge of laugher.

"Lord Kobal," Lady Lucifer admonished with a smile, "don't tease our new daughter so."

"Clan?" Was all I could manage to say, remembering someone saying something about it before and blinking dumbly at the small blonde in front of me (smaller than I was at least, though if I'd been in my right mind I'd have noticed that Sylvanna had gained a few inches on me).

Turning to Lady Lucifer, Azazel bowed. "If your Hellish Majesty pleases?"

"Please do," Lady Lucifer smiled warmly.

"Dear," Azazel took a deep breath, "Lady Lucifer has just completed making you one of us, that is like Pazuzu and myself; or, to be exact, collectively a Demon or Devil if you include our esteemed Hell Maids and Valkyries…"

Sylvanna and the silver-haired Succubi gave a small nod, respectively.

"…we, however, are the Sedu; or Clan Sedu if you want to get formal. The etymology of the word is quite interesting but let's just stick to the basics for now. Sedu is the Ancient Hebrew word for a dark or evil spirit, referring to a malicious incorporeal being that haunted the night and generally made life miserable for mortals."

"Pity they didn't name you Clan Windbag," Sylvanna coughed, "'t would have been more apt."

"I'd vote for Clan Syllable," silver-hair grinned.

Pazuzu rubbed her neck like she was trying to get an annoying crick out of her spine. "Why me?"

"Well, this is Hell, dear," Lady Lucifer murmured.

Azazel stuck her tongue out at her peers (the last time I saw someone stick her tongue out at Lady Lucifer, she nailed it to a fence. Still attached). "Just ignore them, dear, the wonderful world of vocabulary generally escapes the meaner legions of Hell. They much prefer sticking sharp, pointy things in people. Like the Succubae or Clan Lilim, to whom we are related, we much prefer diplomatic solutions."

I was feeling feint but I am proud to say that my manners didn't escape me. "Your Hellish Majesty, may I have your permission to take a seat?"

"Permission granted."

My knees gave way and only Azazel's hand on my arm kept me from a nasty bump at the end. I had the devil of a time trying not to look at myself, fearful of losing my decorum and bursting out into another fit of screams or, worse, tears. I was painfully aware of the extra padding around my buttocks, as well as the fact that I was as naked a jay bird in front of all these illustrious personages. I felt the tears sloshing around on the other side of my eyeballs but I kept them in check and my voice as steady as possible. "A-Azazel, your Hellish Majesty, could I beg your indulgence and ask for a mirror?"

Silver-hair came to my rescue, seemingly pulling a large hand-mirror about two palms square out of nothingness. I inclined my head in thanks, shut my eyes, counted to three, and looked. The face in the mirror shocked me mute once more, my jaw working but nothing able to squirm its way out. I think if I'd been ugly, deformed and scaled it would have been easier to handle, but nothing could be further from the truth. The face that greeted me had high, well-defined, cheekbones, smoldering grey eyes, full ruby lips, triangular face and a delicate jaw line. Her ears were long and pointed, accentuated by her artfully disturbed, inch-long, jet-black hair. Two horns crowned the brow over slender eyebrows.

In fact, looking down at myself, slender was a good description of my entire form. My legs were much longer, almost out of proportion for my torso, and my hips curved smoothly out from my waist, forming a perfect teardrop shape before joining the line of my legs without argument from the bones that dwelt beneath. I was in no way 'toned' like Maid or Valkyrie, or even the voluptuous Lorelei. My bust was also nowhere near as large either… maybe a B+ if I was being generous. My first assessment of myself wasn't that flattering.

"Great, I'm a toothpick," I murmured.

Even now, the irony of this does not escape me. You see, when I was alive and male, I preferred my women with a little meat on their bones. The whole supermodel thing went straight over my head. Now I have that exact body type, I could squeeze through the crack between a door and its frame standing sideways. Ok, before you get all huffy thinking I'm on a 'isn't my beauty such a curse' trip, I'm not. I'm well used to it now, I even enjoy it.

My comment did serve one good purpose, however, it made Syl laugh, which brightened my day considerably. I always enjoy making people crack and doing it to the iron maiden gave me back a little of my self-confidence.

Azazel ignored my comment and shrugged. "We all are, dear. Like I said, the Sedu aren't about bashing heads together, we're not built for that. Besides…"

Stepping over to one of the golden walls, she thrust her hand through it. Just like a ghost.

"…as you can see, we're ill equipped to bust heads."

Looking down at my left hand, I purposefully pushed it through the arm of the chair. Then I looked down at the seat my butt was resting on and tapped the floor with my feet. "Hang on, that doesn't make any sense…"

"Au contraire," Pazuzu knelt and thrust her hand through the floor, "the reason why you can sit and walk along the floor isn't because you can't just fall through it -though I don't recommend that, it'll startle people with large pointy things- it's because of your unconscious telekinetic abilities. However, this isn't the place to discuss your powers. The point that Azazel is trying to make is that we are incorporeal, or insubstantial if you will. We pass through solid objects and most of them pass through us. The only exceptions are certain powerful beings and magical weapons and armor. May I demonstrate, Lady Angelique?"

The silver-haired vixen gave a curt nod and allowed Pazuzu to rap her knuckles on her breastplate. "See?" Pazuzu sighed. "This is our curse, as beings of spirit we can only live vicariously through others. Fortunately we can still touch each other, since we're in the same 'phase' of reality, or we would be entirely starved of personal contact."

"Which brings us to your purpose, young one," Lady Lucifer stood, descending from her throne to stand over me. "My Sedu are my eyes and ears on Earth and have been since very near to The Decent, just as my Hell Maids are my inspectors here in Hell. And, like the Hell Maids, you are answerable to ME, and only I, in the Hierarchy. You have no Lord or Lady other than me, and I will be the only Law thou shalt obey. Pledge thyself to me now and be named."

I slid off the chair and sank to my knees, the sheer force of HER personality overriding my will and in that moment I loved her for it. Looking up into her face, exalting in the light of the Morning Star, I took her offered hand and kissed her palm to acknowledge her as my Mistress, a simple yet utterly profound gesture.

"Rise, Zizili, and join your sisters."

My knees shook as I raised myself to my feet accompanied by several rounds of applause. Azazel hugged me impulsively, squashing our breasts together and forcing a squeak out of my throat with the fierceness of it. Still, I felt a warm, fuzzy, sensation in my gut that reminded me of curtains being drawn after a successful night and wreathes of flowers thrust into my hand by willing maidens.

All in all, a red letter day to my starry eyes.

"And now," Lady Lucifer clapped her hands together, rubbing gleefully, "your training can begin."

The stars in my eyes plummeted to Earth, evaporating in the furnace-heat of reentry.

#

And so began my tutelage under my torturers… er, teachers, 'big sister' Azazel and Lady Angelique; both occasionally overseen by Baroness Pazuzu. It was the sort of triple threat that would send grown men running for the hills, screaming. Azazel (who insisted that I call her 'sis' or 'Az' rather than wade through her tri-syllabic name every time) took me for a subject she called 'Clan Powers and Politics' while Lady Angelique took me for a subject which I named 'beat three colors of snot out of the newbie and laugh'. Baroness Pazuzu flitted in and out of the lessons in between her busy schedule running the Clan for Lady Lucifer.

We got a whole, if small, tower to ourselves for my training, composed of three rooms: a classroom, a dojo and my tiny sleeping area at the top. Technically, no, I don't need sleep anymore, but I do need a safe area to heal bruises and otherwise rest after exertion. And my teachers were doing their best to exert my mind, body and soul.

"Our organizational structure is a little different to the other clans," Az explained to me during my first lesson in the classroom. "Nominally, Lady Lucifer is our Princess, though she's a lot more than just a Princess. Because she's so busy, she can't run our clan personally, so Baroness Pazuzu is, in reality, the leader of our Clan. This works because, compared to other clans that have hundreds, thousands or millions of members, we only have a few score left. Only the Baroness and Lady Lucifer actually knows how many, since our numbers are a closely guarded secret. Even we aren't told who's actually in the network, in case we get captured."

"Great," I said, deadpan, "so, we're what? Like 007? A lone operative armed with cool gadgets, our own wits and a rampant masculine sexuality that allows us to seduce all the bad girls over to our side? Oh, wait, hang on, that last part doesn't work…"

"Gee, anyone would think you were bitter about losing the old bed snake," Azazel twittered, "but really it's a bit like that… only without the cool gadgets either. We gate into the material plane, or Earth as you know it, essentially naked. We then have to find a host before our fragile incorporeal body dissipates from exposure and we die…"

I blinked. "Ouch."

"…but don't worry about being seen, we're invisible in our natural form on the material plane. After we possess a Host, we hop from body to body via prolonged physical contact. It takes a little while for the process to complete itself, though more intimate contact hastens the process. So, the best and easiest way is to pleasure the prospective host to the point of orgasm, that's always a sure-fire method. Once we have possessed the target body, we can then proceed with our mission, depending on Lady Lucifer's orders. We do everything from package drops to assassinations. Then, with our mission complete, we gate back to Hell leaving our host body to take the blame. If we're lucky, we get to have a little fun in the process and live life like a mortal again."

"You'll have to forgive me, but that really sucks," I grumbled. "That's all we get for powers, body hopping? I mean, I didn't expect to be throwing lightning bolts at my foes…"

"Cool your heels, sunshine, we get all sorts of nifty abilities. Well, at least a few. First up, body hopping isn't all there is to it. While we're in our host, we can do all kinds of nasty stuff! You'll have complete and utter control of the body, enabling you to twist it every which way, manifest boils, spin the head around 360 degrees, spew green bile, and that's just the tip of the iceberg! You won't be able to do true shapeshifting, but minor alterations and disguises? Yup! You can even leave the body in the state you left it if you wish, unless you get Exorcised. Of course, if that happens, you die the final death, no coming back. You could possess a little kid and beat up a whole street gang if you wanted… of course, that takes practice, which isn't something you'll get a whole lot of. We don't have training exercises for possession since it only works on mortals and any trip to Earth could bring the Guardian Angels down on our heads."

"There are actually Guardian Angels? What the Hell happened to mine?"

"Oh, no, not EVERYONE has a Guardian Angel. Heck, there's not even a Guardian Angel for every man, woman and child on Earth, otherwise we'd be totally screwed. Guardian Angels are sort of like our opposites; Heaven and Hell are really into that whole Duality trip. The Lilim, for example, are opposed by the Bright Lilim."

I winced. "Couldn't they think up a better name?"

"They're new, I hear the name's still in the pipeline. But here's the skinny. Guardians are more numerous than we are, that's true, but WE are more powerful than they are. A Guardian's powers are all about detection, enhancement and luck. They cotton onto a 'Charge', which is basically what we call a 'Host', and they give him discreet emotional nudges toward the correct and moral course. The Charge doesn't have to obey the nudge, but sometimes that nudge is all they need. If they do obey, the Guardian is empowered by the good deed and he can pass that power onto his host as physical or mental prowess or so-called 'good luck'. Thus the charge feels rewarded with every good deed he commits, and keeps on doing good deeds for the 'high' it generates."

"Sneaky," I acknowledged, scratching my chin in thought. Believe me; you've never had a proper scratch until you've grown claws. "So these guys are our opposites but they don't sound so dangerous to me."

"Oh, now comes the bad bit," Az sighed, "their powers of detection. Since they are, at their core, sentinels looking over their charges, a Guardian can not only detect us, but once they've possessed a Charge they can prevent us from taking them as a Host. The only good news is that, despite all their enhancements and good luck, a Charge is far more vulnerable than one of our Hosts. We can heal our hosts, they can't do jack for their Charges, so if it's a duel we hand them their asses. And a Guardian who's Charge dies while they're in possession gets kicked right back to Heaven and won't be back until they recover. The real danger is that the Guardians know this, so the first thing they do on spotting a Sedu is run to the nearest Elohim -they're the big Angels with the fiery pointy things-, who all have standing orders to eviscerate any Host no matter who or what they are. Oh, and a top tip, most mortals on Heaven's side get tagged with a Guardian. Penetrating Marc's bastions of business is totally impossible. Now, the good news is that not only can they see you, you can see them. And they're not omnisentient, they can't see through walls or any of that crap, so you can hide from them. Your only problem is if they bring in a 'sniffer' Angel of some type, that's an Angel that can literally smell evil. If you get wind of one of those, if you'll pardon the expression, bug out fast. Standing orders for all Sedu is to keep yourself alive as the number one priority. As you can imagine, there aren't too many of us left, which brings us to the really fun part of being a Sedu, our trump card and ace in the hole. Telekinesis!"

I wracked my brains trying to remember where I'd heard the word before. "Telekinesis. Like, as in psychic stuff? Moving things with the power of the mind?"

"Caught it in one! Sedu have a number of natural magical abilities which may be used in either our natural form or when inside a Host. We're just a lot less vulnerable when we're inside a Host; Exorcism is tough work, it regularly kills both the Exorcist and our Host. Our most powerful ability, however, is Telekinesis. You've seen the movie, right, with the beds levitating and flying power tools and killer cutlery? Think that, except crank it up to flying cars, train accidents, jumbo jets falling out of the sky… we kill a rather high percentage of celebrities that way, you know. Of course, we can't cut loose like that too often or too obviously unless we want a platoon of Angels on our asses faster than you can say 'What killed me?', which is why we have several minor psychic abilities and some access to magic."

"Minor abilities like what?"

"Oh, like, reading mortal's thoughts, hypnotism, the ability to speak any language and our own brains. We Sedu are all rather smart; it's our only real advantage when you put us up against some of the tougher denizens of Heaven and Hell. Where the Incubi are the strategists -even if they DO put most of their effort into hiding the one-eyed python-, we are the lone wolves. You'll notice that we don't actually have many powers that work on Immortals, well, that's part of the problem with being a Sedu. We're not as magically powerful as the Succubae, they're Hell's mages and mobile artillery, but we can learn a few tricks, which is part of what Lady Angelique will be teaching you."

Of more interest to me, mainly because we did more talking about a Sedu's powers than actually practicing them, were our lessons on politics and history.

"Clan Sedu is very, very old," Az explained to me one morning, "as old, even, as Clan Lilim, though they get more press. It all goes back to the days after Lady Lillith got kicked out of the Garden of Eden, you're familiar with the story, right?"

"Who isn't?"

"Jose Kompaloff, but that's neither here nor there. Well, back then she wasn't a Princess of Hell, she was just a mortal with a gigantic chip on her shoulder, a lot of anger against the big guy and absolutely no morals thanks to not having eaten the Forbidden Fruit. Now, she was very, very lonely by this stage, considering that there weren't any other humans around and she was more than a little addicted to sex. Lady Lucifer isn't one to let an opportunity like this pass her by, so she sent one of her best and brightest… or should that be worst and darkest? Oh, whatever… anyway, she sent one of her most highly placed Princes into the earthly plane to seduce her. This was the founding father of Clan Sedu, Asmodai, Prince of Lust. Prince Asmodai didn't have to work hard to seduce Lillith, she practically leapt into his bed. In turn, she produced the first 'Lillin', which is the collective term for all the clans that are descended from this original union. All Lillin are female, as it seems that Lillith was incapable of producing male heirs, not that this worried Asmodai in the least. The Lillin were all welcomed into Hell with open arms and, when Lillith died, Lady Lucifer gave her control of Clan Lilim, or the Succubae, her most favored daughters. Those children that cleaved more to their father, Asmodai, were given to him and he named them 'Sedu'."

I whistled. "Ok, so if we're the daughters of Asmodeus…"

"Oh, no, you misunderstand. Asmodai isn't Asmodeus, the two of them just have similar names. A lot of occultists make that mistake, between mistranslations and garbled texts, but they're two totally different people… er, demons. The reason we no longer have a Prince of our own, to our eternal shame, is that Asmodai led an attempted coup against Lady Lucifer and she snapped him like a twig. The Sedu, however, were too powerful a clan to just sweep aside, so Lady Lucifer took us under her own wing. If there's one thing Lady Lucifer knows how to do, solidifying her power base is it. She gives our Baroness a lot of leeway in the running of the clan in turn, but we are now her creatures."

"Ok," I started rubbing my temples again, "not that I wish to sound disrespectful, but it strikes me that the Sedu… we, I mean, would have been rather pissed at her. How the hell did she manage to put you all to heel without resorting to mass slaughter?"

Az sighed. "Well, a few of us were put on trial as object lessons for the rest but not all of us were in on Asmodai's plot and the majority of us were loyal to Lady Lucifer above our Father. But the key point here is procreation. You see, when a soul is slated to become a demon, there's a little ritual involved. A member of the clan usually performs it while their new Prince looks on and guides the process, with maybe a few other things added into the mix. Not so with clan Sedu. Our 'template' is a closely guarded secret, not even we are privy to it and we go through it! Back in the day, only two people knew how to create a Sedu: Father Asmodai and Lady Lucifer herself. Now that Father is truly dead, Lady Lucifer is the only being that can replenish our numbers, so in order for the clan to survive, we had to pledge our loyalty to Lady Lucifer. Not that she's actually done much replenishing over the years. In the millennia since our Father's demise, we've gone from a clan of thousands to a mere handful of agents. The War was not particularly kind to us."

I blinked. "So, since Asmodai's downfall, how many new Sedu has Lady Lucifer created?"

She held up a single finger. "Exactly one, including you, which was why Baroness Pazuzu and I were rather shocked at your sudden appearance."

"You hid it well."

"I've had lots of experience dealing with surprises. And I won't have to cop the fallout from this like Pazuzu will. The Sedu aren't the most popular clan in all of hell either. Never mind the Angels, some of our own side will be just as quick to kill you as an enraged Elohim. Not only does our clan have the reputation for being traitors, thanks to our Father's misdeeds, but a big part of our jobs is spying on what the other demons are doing on Earth, poking our noses into places we don't belong. Over the millennia, we've managed to piss off just about every member of the Hellish Nobility, and we're talking people with loooooooong memories."

"Now," Az continued, her tone changing to a more serious vibe, "I've saved the most important piece of information until last, so listen up. If your host dies while you're still in possession of them, you're dead too. Most people will try to Exorcise you to try to save the host, but sometimes people take matters into their own hands. If they do, get out quick, because you won't be coming back otherwise."

I could feel myself sweating and vaguely wondered if it was incorporeal sweat or not. In fact, the nature of our weird form of etherealness formed a large part of our discussions.

"Once you learn to harness your power of telekinesis, you'll be able to float," Az informed me, demonstrating by picking her legs up off the floor without falling down, "and fly a little bit, but you won't be very fast at all. The lucky part is that our telekinetic abilities come so natural that we use them reflexively without knowing it, which is the only reason you can do things like walk around and pick up solid objects. That being said, it doesn't work for everything… like walls. It's like our brains remember how we used to do things back when we were alive and it tries to simulate the important stuff, like walking and picking up objects, but it can't remember how to do other things like touch people. Or you can look at it like it's a limitation of the telekinesis, we can pick things up and throw them about with our hands and push up off the floor with our feet because those things are easy to simulate with the power, but touching someone like it's real flesh-to-flesh contact is much, much more complicated and, in fact, we can't do that."

This discussion naturally devolved into 'power finesse practice'. That is, I had to concentrate on picking up a feather without using my hands and controlling it in the air. The first part was easy once I got past the whole 'not using my hands' bit. It's like reaching out with an invisible hand, really. You 'reach out' and enwrap the object you desire to move with the power and then move it… it's hard to explain because it's so instinctive, like trying to explain the difference between using hands or tentacles. After one feather, I moved on to multiple feathers, adding one more every time I'd mastered the group before. We then moved on to different, though still small, objects; feathers mixed with pencils for example. I got used to the different feels for different types of materials and soon we moved on to heavier objects such as plates and glassware.

When I complained that I wanted to try hurling larger, single, objects of greater mass, I was rebuked. Az explained to me that power was easily come by but finesse required real practice. I didn't understand how hurling plates about was going to actually help me in combat against the millions of Angels and Devils who wanted my head for their mantelpiece, but I persevered with the training.

How can I describe my lessons with Lady Angelique? I guess I already have described them in fair detail with the 'beat nine colors of snot out of me and laugh' line, though I suppose I can expand on that description despite how embarrassing it was for me.

We'd start the session with armed combat drills and exercises. That's fancy military talk for swinging a great honking sword about, snapping heels together and shouting a lot. At the very least, I learned a bit about how soldiers act and how not to stab myself with sharp objects. In order that I could learn how to wield a weapon properly, and with real danger to my person, we both used magical weapons and armor. This eliminated any advantage my incorporeal state could afford me and, as a result, I also learnt what real pain feels like.

Lady Angelique kicked, bashed, stabbed, clawed, bit, buffeted and otherwise stomped me into the dirt while I was very busy just trying to heft my blade and move in my chainmail. It wasn't that the armor wasn't particularly well designed, bad suits of armor don't get enchanted, it was just that it was so heavy! Somewhere in my transformation, I'd lost most of my former strength (which, perhaps, wasn't surprising). I'd done stage fighting with real swords, my blade was no bigger or heavier than anything I'd ever handled before and yet just trying to lift it off the floor was a titanic effort.

After my umpteenth defeat, I hurled the thing away and punched one of the padded walls with my gauntleted fist (which was quite satisfying and stress reducing) and chucked a hissy fit. Once I'd stopped swearing, Angelique sat me down and asked what was wrong.

"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG? This whole thing is a damned farce! I can't lift the bloody blade, let alone use it! I can't move in this freekin' metal sheath! I can't even keep track of your six limbs, let alone read your moves, let alone move fast enough to defend myself! This whole exercise is pointless, the only thing I'm learning is that in a fight, fair or not, I'm going to lose. PERIOD."

"Everyone has to learn this, Zizi," she sighed patiently, "when I first came down here, I had to learn it. Even the Succubae do this much…"

I stood up to make a point, stripping out of the chainmail and letting it slide to the floor. The top of my head only came up to her chin and she was at least ten times more athletic. "Lady Angelique, look at me," I felt very proud that I remembered her title in that moment, "I am a toothpick. That's not meant to be a self-disparaging comment; it's just a statement of fact. You are an Amazon, and I'm betting that you didn't get those muscles through good healthy living and exercise. I. Cannot. Lift. This. Gear. And asking me to is an exercise in folly."

"The Succubae…"

"I'm not a Succubus!" I protested. "Look at me; I'm not half the women they are! I am well aware that I need combat training, but this isn't it. I can't believe that this discipline is in the Sedu training manual as anything other than a footnote…"

"The what?" Lady Angelique blinked.

"The Sedu training manual… or whatever it is you're referring to for my lessons."

"Uh," she scratched her head, "well, you see… there isn't one."

I blinked slowly, counting to ten. "There isn't one?"

"Hey, there hasn't been a new Sedu for a few thousand years, which is way before my time. It was so long ago, nobody remembers how to train a Sedu…"

"So," I groaned, pointing an accusatory finger at her, "you… don't know… what you're doing… either?"

"Well, I figured that you could do THIS," she sighed again, flipping her lustrous silver hair out of her face, "but I have to agree with you, this isn't working. Not only don't you have the strength, you don't even have the instincts. At least the Succubae have the instinct."

So we moved on to magic lessons while Lady Angelique assured me that she'd come up with better training next time. I was a lot better at magic, which means that I could actually do some. We learned very quickly that I wasn't in the Succubae league for potency, but I picked up the small stuff very quickly. I wouldn't ever be hurling balls of Hellfire about or tearing reality asunder but little tricks and surprises, oh yes. My first offensive spell was a simple 'gutwrench' incantation that could make an opponent violently nauseous for the duration. Angelique 'volunteered' a few Imps for target practice. I moved up from there to setting things aflame with a touch or within my line of sight, not that I could make an enemy spontaneously combust, but at least it was better than carrying around a box of matches. Last but not least, I learnt a last-ditch defense measure that allowed me to electrocute an enemy by touch, or what passed as a touch for me. Even incorporeal, it still worked. Last but not least, I learned a spell that would allow me to induce pleasure with skin-to-skin contact, no good until I got my hands on a Host but infinitely useful none the less.

We both left that lesson feeling happier for my achievement; it was, perhaps, the most exciting time of my life. The event was only marred by the fact that it had to end and with its ending, I was faced once more with come cold, harsh, realities.

As you may have gathered, I was doing everything I possibly could to avoid thinking on my transformation into a woman. The problem was that between lessons I had nothing to do but think upon it. And live it, and explore it. Worse was that Azazel had taken to living with me in my tower, even going so far as to sleep in the same bed. As you can imagine, this didn't do much to take my mind off my situation. What was even worse was that even my own body wouldn't let me forget myself, which does take some explanation.

The night after my second day of tutelage, Az and I were sleeping in my bed when I woke quite suddenly feeling a sensation I'd never felt before. Since turning into a demon, Hell hadn't felt anywhere near so hot but now I felt like I was boiling. We slept without blankets (funnily, our powers remember how to lie down on a bed but not how to keep blankets aloft) and I was still sweating. To make matters worse, I was feeling wet 'down there', I couldn't keep still and my nipples were painfully hard. To put it bluntly, I was horny as hell. I knew the symptoms, of course, but experiencing them first hand was something entirely new and unwelcome. Naturally, in my fragile state, I was in denial. I even started crying.

It didn't take long for Az to notice with all my weeping and writhing all over the place. She hugged me from behind and whispered small, sweet, comments into my ear to help calm me down. "Shhhh, it's ok, sis, we all go through this."

"Az, what's going on?" I weeped, half panicked, "I can't control myself…"

"Shhhh, dear, shhhhhhh. Sedu are demons of lust, after all, our bodies crave satisfaction on a regular basis. Just relax and let me help you…"

I stiffened up like a board when she kissed me on the lips. "Oh, stop it little sister," she teased, "if you don't relax, you won't enjoy this."

With that, she kissed me deeper, slipping in the tongue. As Lorilei may have told you before, there's nothing like kissing with a forked tongue. A kiss between two creatures with forked tongues is absolute magic. The only problem was, that first time, I was concentrating very hard on relaxing, which if you've ever tried to do that before, you'll know it's a pretty self defeating exercise.

My eyes were screwed tight as she kissed her way down my body and I was lying very still, afraid that I might screw things up by making an inappropriate motion and killing to mood. I'd used all the same techniques that she was now using on me before; being on the receiving end was at once exhilarating and terrifying. I moaned and ooohed when she kissed my breast, her hands fondling and exploring my new body. I'm sure it was less of a revelation for her as it was for me, but I was new territory after all. She slipped a finger or two between my legs to tantalize me before the main event, which made me freeze again at first, yet calmed me down and opened me wider to the new sensations.

Finally, she kissed my nether regions and I found out that there was something a forked tongue was better used for.

My first time as a woman, being pleasured by a woman, wasn't that great truth be told. It wasn't that I was unwilling, my body reacted and I wanted it, but I simply couldn't relax. I was deadly still throughout the entire procedure with my eyes screwed shut, face turned away. I made noises, small little animal noises that I hated myself for. I felt weak and vulnerable as the passive partner and when she held me afterwards I trembled with self-hatred. Not that I hadn't derived some enjoyment from the experience, but I felt disconnected from it as if my need of the moment before were a hazy dream and my afterglow the tired remains of a fitful sleep.

I didn't like being the baby, I didn't like being out of control, I didn't like feeling powerless, I didn't like submitting. Despite how much I was willing, how much I had craved her touch, I felt like Az had violated me somehow. She was so understanding and so open with me and so caring and she was blameless and yet…

I was an emotional mess. I cried silently that night so Az wouldn't hear but I couldn't sleep and in the morning, I got up and wiped away the congealed wetness on my face before she could see it and we continued training as usual.

The sex got better the more we did it, however. As the days rolled by and I got used to my cycle of cravings I learned to relax and enjoy the moment, if not Az's body. It started to feel less mechanical and more sweet. Az showed me how to use my lips and tongue to full advantage, though I knew the basics I now had a few advantages I hadn't possessed before. After lips, we moved on to fingers and after fingers we tried the tail. The tail was the best. Az rather enjoyed the fisting once she taught me how to do it right, but I shied away from it before we managed to get started. It was just too weird and uncomfortable for me, as was anal sex, though that was another of Az's favorites. I guess after a few millennia, you learn to enjoy a few things the less jaded might not.

It was on the third day that something strange happened. Az was called away by Baroness Pazuzu on business and I'd finished my lessons for the day, which was incidentally the same day I'd finally spat the dummy at Lady Angelique (I had still been feeling sorry for myself because of my first sexual experience the night before, which probably contributed to my temper that afternoon), so I was alone in my quarters having some of that interminably painful 'me time' where the fact of my girlhood whizzed around my brain with little outlet other than tentative examinations of my new anatomy.

No, that's not a euphemism for masturbation. I was different, I had a waistline and curves; heck, my whole body was so different I still had trouble recognizing myself in a mirror. I used the 'me time' to try to adjust to myself in a way that didn't involve lesbian sex.

You'll understand, however, that with myself in such a vulnerable and private position, and feeling it all the more after the events of the night before, the sudden upheaval of one of the brass sheets that composed my floor was more than a bit of a surprise. Out of the gaping hole popped a petite blonde with bat wings, tail and horns wearing a skimpy black bikini and lugging a package in her hands.

"Urgh, there you are," the imp grunted as she lifted the package up onto the bed, "sorry, that thing's heavy. Name's Dimona, Baroness Lorilei told me to bring you this, secret-like, Lady Lucifer's orders. That's her seal if you want to check it out, it'll disintegrate after it's opened, so be sure that you make sure it's legit before you crack it open."

Staring at her, curled into a ball at the other end of the bed, I couldn't help notice how pretty she was, if a bit on the small size. She was perfectly proportioned for her height. "Uh, ok… what is it?"

"I don't know what it does, but I was ordered to tell you to drink the potion immediately. The book is to help you study your natural abilities, but Lady Lucifer said to be sure to hide it where Azazel won't find it and don't show it to her at all costs. That's an exact quote, by the way."

Curious, I checked the seal to see if it was authentic. A little note about Lucifer's Seal, NOBODY can forge it… with the possible exception of the man upstairs. If you try, the magic of the Seal will fry your brain. It's one of the first things Lady Angelique taught me. So I checked and it was authentic, which led to opening it. Dimona stayed within arms reach of me so either she was expendable or the thing was completely safe. I took the risk and fortunately, nothing happened.

The package contained a vial filled with an opaque white potion, the book was blank on the cover and bound in red leather. I flipped through it and it seemed like the real deal, so I took another gamble, opened the vial and downed the contents in one gulp. The potion actually made me feel a lot better for some reason that I couldn't quite identify.

Dimona took the potion bottle and bade me a farewell. "I hope I don't have to recommend that you don't let on you're learning anything outside your usual curricular activities?"

I shook my head. "No, you don't have to do that. Say hello to Lorilei for me."

"Will do," she nodded before dropping back into the hole, pulling the brass sheet down on top of herself as she went.

I perused the book, which seemed to be an advanced guide to my power of possession, though strangely it had several pages ripped out. Most of the tome was couched in arcane phrases and formulae that I didn't understand, sort of like a physics textbook that's impossible to decipher if you don't know what the symbols mean, though there was one section entitled 'Bargaining' that was entirely new to me and didn't require advanced knowledge of thaumaturgy. It described an advanced possession technique whereby a Sedu would entreaty a mortal for permission to inhabit their body for a set period of time or until a goal had been completed in exchange for a return service. The Bargain would allow the Sedu to merge more completely with the willing Host than otherwise possible, granting greater powers over the mortal form and hiding the Sedu from detection by any method. Any ability or spell that would otherwise detect the Sedu's presence would only detect the Host as if they were a regular mortal.

I hid the book under the mattress on my side of the bed. I'd already learned that Az, despite her protestations of spontaneity, was a creature of habit, particularly when it came to singing. She was mad for music, one of those people who knew every album and every song and every artist and every writer and every recording studio by date and video clip. While I was doing my mental exercises, she'd sing and dance to try and distract me. Sometimes it worked, but I got better at concentration the more I worked at it. The book remained hidden and it gave me something to do other than dwell on things during my 'me time'.

The fourth day, Lady Angelique had a surprise and a guest lecturer for me. "I've changed the curriculum, such as it was, to something I think will be more suitable for your particular job and talents."

I didn't like her grin.

When she opened the door and revealed a very smug-looking Sylvanna sitting between two tables full of firearms and several boxes of what looked to me like junk and kitchenware, it took me a few minutes to think of something to say.

"Guns?" I gasped finally, incredulous.

"Yer have a problem with firearms?" Sylvanna inquired merrily.

"Nope," I shrugged, "I did a course on gun safety for a part once. I just figured they wouldn't be that effective against supernatural creatures."

"Well, they're not for the most part," Angelique acknowledged, "you can't enchant guns or bullets directly, too many moving parts and such with very little metaphysical connection. But, different loads can still inconvenience supernatural creatures vulnerable to particular types of damage. Take these puppies, dragonsbreath shells. Hollow point loaded with phosphorous, will usually set anything it hits alight, great for dealing with vampires and things that don't like being burned. Hollow points will to a great job of eviscerating anything they hit. Believe me, if you want to lop off a limb or behead a target with one shot, these will do it."

"Um, ok, question," I played at being a schoolgirl for a moment, "if they're not enchanted, how am I supposed to be able to pick them up?"

Sylvanna held up a pair of leather gloves embossed with glowing runes.

"Oh," I blushed.

Sylvanna was very keen on me trying the Desert Eagle .50 Action Express, her favorite handgun. I declined, going for an easier weapon to handle that actually fit my grip, a .22 revolver. I squeezed off a few shots in the firing range my two teachers had managed to set up in the room, then Sylvanna demonstrated her firing technique and gave me a few pointers. I quickly learned that I was expected to learn how to disassemble, clean, maintain and reassemble each of the firearms they'd brought with them.

We were about to start on the rifles when someone coughed at the door. We turned to find Lord Ares, still encased in his heavy black armor, leaning rakishly against the doorjamb. "I heard gunshots and I thought 'wherever there's violence around this place, there are beautiful women', so here I am."

I bowed. "Lord Ares, you honor me with your presence."

He smiled. "You can dispense with the pleasantries, commander; I'm here to put you back on schedule."

"Oooh," I giggled, "you wouldn't happen to have a red lightsaber would you?"

"I'm sorry, fresh out this Thursday. Lady Angelique, you look as divine as your namesake."

Angelique inclined her head politely at the comment.

"And Captain Sylvanna…"

"Save it, Ares," the Captain brushed him off, "we're busy."

"Ahhhh," Ares stepped up to the table, ignoring Sylvanna's brusqueness, "my personal favorite, the AK-47. Though, personally, I'd prefer to actually use the AK-74, but the old classics are always the best. Zizili, this gun is the most widely produced and effective gun in the modern world, a masterpiece of functionality and simplicity in design copied by practically every arms manufacturer in the known world. Give me this gun over any of these so-called 'next generation' personal firearms. Grenade launchers with under-mounted rifles and arcane targeting scopes… PFUAGH! Nothing matters so much in battle as that the iron fires when you need it. That's what this gun is all about, easy to clean, easy to maintain, never jams and above all, accurate."

Picking the rifle up, he sighed lustily and nuzzled the wooden grip, rubbing his cheek against the oily barrel. Glancing at my companion's reaction, not quite knowing how to handle this myself, I caught Angelique standing there with here eyebrow raised curiously, as if she couldn't believe it either. Looking over to Sylvanna, I could see she was having an entirely different reaction. The Hell Maid was blushing furiously, her hand resting demurely over her heart.

Uh-oh.

"Hmmm," I looked back down at the table, "if that gun's so good, why do the western armies use that one?"

Ares looked down at the M-16 with a scowl. "Oh, I don't know really. They're good for checking for mines, holding up your laundry… see, you can even tie a string to the sights for that. Really a vastly improved version of the wooden stick."

Sylvanna shrugged, trying to hide her momentary lapse. "He's right," she growled, "the Kalashnikov is a better weapon. Of course, sometimes you've gotta take what you can get. Both the eastern and western bocks flood the market with used army surplus rifles at reduced cost, so depending on which side of the former Berlin wall you're on is usually an indicator of the easiest weapon to obtain. Of course, for the most part, you won't want one of these. They tend to attract a lot of attention in more civilized nations."

And so I had three impromptu tutors that day, though Sylvanna and Ares spent most of the time arguing about guns and ammunition, leaving Angelique and I bewildered by all the technical language.

After the guns, we moved on to the boxes of junk.

"Not just junk," Sylvanna explained to me with a devilish (what else?) grin, "explosives! These are just some of the parts you can use to create your own home-made incendiary devices. All you have to know is the right chemicals to mix together into their proper proportions and you have a supply of powerful weapons limited only by your imagination."

It was then that I realized that I'd gone from the regular combat training program and into the espionage training program, which I have to say was a much more sensible proposal. From then on, my combat lessons centered around dirty fighting, martial arts, knives and short swords with guns, explosives and sabotage as additional courses. To be honest, the prospect of being a spy excited me, though I tried to remember that there's a darker and much more mundane truth behind espionage than the Bond movies paint it to be.

No, I'm not going to tell you how to make bombs. There are two fields of study it's best to keep right away from: explosives and toxicology. Knowing anything about either is too much of a temptation for the average mind to be expected to bear.

Ares was a gold mine for dirty tricks, from eye-gouging to pressure points to kicking an opponent when he's down. "Don't think of it like it has anything to do with honor," he lectured me, "this is fighting, the real thing, no holds barred, anything goes. If you think an Angel is going to give you any quarter, think again. The point of all fighting is neutralizing your enemy in the quickest and most efficient way possible, and that goes double for you since you won't last a minute in a real fight. The key is to stay alive no matter what; you're no good to anyone dead. In the end, it comes down to a choice that you have to make. You have to choose if it's going to be you standing at the end of it or the other guy. Pick yourself every time and go for the jugular, gouge the eye, throw mud in their face. There's no room for ethics in murder, no matter how just your cause seems to be."

I think Sylvanna was trying very hard to hide an orgasm at that point, just from the look on her face.

Angelique and I made some excuses at the end of the lesson and went to clean the dojo up, collecting all the scattered bits and bobs and locking away the guns, leaving Ares and Sylvanna outside by themselves. Coming back, I tapped my teacher on the shoulder, put a finger to my lips to silence her and cupped my ear to the door. Unable to hold in her own curiosity, Angelique did the same.

"For the last time, Ares, bugger off! I have my duties…"

Yup, that was Sylvanna.

"I'm only asking for a short holiday, Syl," he interrupted, sounding very smug and self assured, "even Lady Lucifer wouldn't begrudge you a little vacation with your boyfriend."

"You. Are. Not. My. Boyfriend." Syl enunciated each word very clearly but I doubted sword-boy would take the hint.

"Now, my dear, I've booked a lovely bunker for two on the Grey Wastes. Just you, me, unlimited ammo and a horde of Flesh-eating Berserker Ghouls…"

I'm sure I wasn't the only one who could hear Syl wavering. "I-I…"

He moved in for the kill, whispering temptation into her ear. "They just got in those new Lead Storm supermachinegun emplacements… they fire more than ten thousand rounds a second… just think about all that screaming hot lead…"

Syl wavered for several long second before rallying. "Lord Ares, with all due respect, fuck off, Sir."

We could hear his heavy footsteps stomping away as he gave her a manly chuckle. "Well, if you ever change your mind…"

"Syl, Syl, Syl," Angelique threw open the door and groaned in exasperation the moment we heard him close the stairway door behind him.

"What, what, what?" Syl snapped. "T' little bastard's been hounding me day after day! Every time I turn around, there's his creepy little face grinning at me… he's driving me nuts! Actin' like he's all that, I could kick his arse with one hand tied behind my back!"

"Well, he was a god," Angelique snorted, "don't you think that gives him a teensy-weensy bit of justification?"

"All I's know is that that smug grin makes my knuckles itch." Syl cracked said knuckles to emphasize her point.

"Still," I smiled, "he is sort of cute."

Syl's scowl turned into a sort of wistful smile as she stared off into space. "Yeah, he is cute…"

The next day, Angelique and I were on our own so we went back to practicing hand-to-hand combat, only with less armor and lighter weapons. She was still kicking my ass, but at least I was keeping up now. After building up a good sweat and getting my teeth kicked in once more, we took a break.

"You need to rely on your powers in a real fight," Angelique reiterated to me once more, "and don't engage at close range unless you absolutely have to. I also recommend ducking out of the way and running very fast… hmmm, maybe tomorrow, I'll get us some bows and crossbows and you can try some archery. You can never be too prepared."

"Thanks," I murmured, practically falling onto the bench behind us.

Angelique stopped in mid stride and clicked her fingers to produce several towels from mid air. She handed me one, but it fell straight through my fingers.

"Oh, er, sorry, forgot." She apologized. I searched her face for a hint of sarcasm, but there wasn't any there. Sighing, I nodded. "That's all right, I forget myself sometimes."

She paused for a moment, her eyes roaming up from my feet to the top of my head and back again. If I wasn't red already, I would have blushed.

"Problems?" She inquired, taking the seat next to me.

Ever the stoic Britain, my reply was a little unconvincing. "Oh, no, nothing really."

She tried to touch my shoulder, but her hand slipped right through and, overbalancing, her face plunged through my thigh and slammed into the bench underneath.

My first reaction was panic. "OH! OW! Are you all right?"

To my credit, I tried pulling her up but my hands just passed straight through her once again. She picked herself up, clutching her head in pain. "Er, yeah, I'm ok, just a bit of a bump. If anyone asks, I got it during practice, ok? That way we can both save some face."

I giggled at that, but her look of pain sobered me quickly. "I'm sorry. This insubstantial crap is a real nuisance. I can't drink, I can't eat… I haven't really touched anything except my big sister since I joined the clan."

She shrugged, her reply a little bitter. "At least you get to be human again."

"Yeah, and I thought that bit about 'living vicariously through others' was just a pretty turn of phrase."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, think about it," I sighed, "in my natural form, I'm about as useful as a screen door on a submarine in a fight. Even if I have a magic sword on me, I can hardly lift the bloody things, and my TK can only do so much. I'm not stupid, moving furniture about is impressive, but I might as well paint a target on my chest with a sign saying 'stab here'. It's no wonder there aren't many of us left."

"What does that have to do with anything? You're not a frontline fighter like me; you're not even a backline fighter like Lorilei. You're a spy, if you ever get into a fight you've stuffed up big time."

"Living vicariously through others, you see. I'll sneak out, sniff out the information and report back to Lady Lucifer, and then you or someone like you will come in and fix the problem. And the only thing I'll be able to do about it is watch while people get killed. And if they die because I fucked up, it's doubly worse."

"Then don't fuck up," she shrugged again, "and be thankful that you're not the one taking that particular risk. You'll have enough risk of your own to swallow without shouldering everyone else's burdens as well."

"Yes, but…"

"OH, for Lucifer's sake!" Angelique stood up and twirled to face me, tapping her hoof angrily. "You get to hop back to Earth like you'd never left, get to be anyone you'd like to be, do practically anything you'd like to do, and you're complaining to me? You get a chance at Eternal Bliss and turn it down, and you're complaining to me?"

I scowled. "Eternal Bliss. What a fucking joke. Just lock your soul away in a cupboard full of hookers for all time… Eternal Bliss is bullshit. It's a fucking salve for the big guy's conscience. Its ok, we're locking you in an oubliette, you've got your Playboy and your hash and your hookers, you'll be perfectly happy being blind, deaf and dumb. You're not good enough to be an Angel, so we'll just sweep you under the carpet."

Angelique blinked. "Don't you think that some people deserve a rest? Isn't life hard enough without making it worse in death?"

"I'm not useless," I shook my head, "nobody is useless. Every soul, wherever they are, can make a difference if they have the chance. I was in theatre because I thought that the best thing anyone could do with their lives was make the people around you happy and myself at the same time if possible. I was an Atheist because I couldn't believe in a higher being that predetermined all of our fates for the reason that it invalidates our choices. And now I'm here because I'm too arrogant to be a bystander anymore. And what do I find? Everyone else is going to be doing the real work and putting their existence on the line while the best thing I can do is run away when the going gets hot."

She was glaring at me, eyes like black pits. "You get to be male again. You get to be human again. You don't have to give a man a blowjob every night just to get by. Count your lucky stars."

"This?" I grasped my breasts, giving them a pleasant jiggle (I was getting used to them by that time, and besides, far be it from me to refuse any angle in a debate just for the sake of embarrassment). "Oh, come on, this isn't so bad. I've played women before, it's no big deal. Who cares what the package is like, it's what's inside that really counts, believe me. Male, female… I admit that the change was a bit of a shock, but… I can't really say I care either way. I mean, it's not like it matters if I can't touch anyone, does it? Envy me if you like, but we all have our crosses to bear."

I laughed at that last one. It wasn't a particularly nice laugh either.

Her eyes widened for a moment before she slumped back into her seat. "Sorry. I was rude."

I sighed. If there's one thing I can't resist, it's a beautiful girl apologizing to me. "That's alright, I was whining. We've both made our beds, now we get to sleep in them."

She glanced at me and raised one eyebrow. "You know, it's not as bad as all that, though, don't you? Angels may be the 'good guys', but they're really not that much different to us. They swear, they fornicate and they do a lot of bad things in the name of the big guy. Heck, read the Bible sometime, it's the juiciest little novella you've ever seen."

"Yeah, that's what they keep telling me. Look, Lady Angelique, I know I'm only a lowly Sedu and you're the mistress of a whole clan…"

"A whole Clan of two, including me," she sighed, "don't worry so much about my title, Zizili, call me Angelique. Well, outside formal occasions at least."

I nodded. "Thank you, Angelique, call me Zee. Sedu names seem to be pretty complicated."

And, somehow, I knew I'd just made a friend.

  

  

  

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