Girlish

(A love story)

by Karen Singer

 

Chapter 10

 

It was time to go. I was looking forward to it, and dreading it. It was Saturday, all my exams were done and the semester was over – finally! Most everybody in the house had left already except for Jill and Aaron who were supposed to leave later in the morning. With an eight hour drive ahead of me, I wanted a full day to get there. Then there was the other reason I was putting it off. I was going to have to face my mother dressed as a girl.

Jill and Aaron had helped me bring all my stuff up out of the lockers. All my boy's clothes went straight into the trunk of my car, I didn't even get to really touch any of it. "Don't even bother bringing any of it back again," Jill told me. I had hoped she would let me dress as a boy again for the trip home, but she had just said, "No way!" I had also hoped she would unlock my chastity device before I left but her answer to that one was to put big smile on her face and tell me she couldn't. She had mailed the keys to my mother instead. "You'll have to ask her," she said tauntingly. AAAHHH!!!

My mother was expecting me to come home as a girl! And I knew she was looking forward to it, in a way. She still hated that I had to do it, but she was just so curious as to what I looked like as a girl. I had totally ignored every request she had made about sending her pictures. I mean, enough is enough!

My big plan was to get home as quickly as I could, face my mother and get it over with, then get back to being a boy again as fast as possible. That part I was looking forward to. I couldn't wait! Three whole weeks of being a boy again! I would have to dress as a girl again when I got back for next semester, but three weeks was three weeks!

Jill hadn't cared that I didn't wear a dress or a skirt home. I wore my tight jeans and a turtle neck sweater with my boots instead. The necklace my mother had sent me was dangling on top as usual. Jill had insisted that I pack most of my girl clothes in the car too. "Your mother might want to see them," she said. Yeah right!

So for eight more hours, hopefully less if the traffic wasn't too bad, I had to be a girl. As I drove, I counted the hours down. I had been living as a girl for so long now, that stopping for gas or food didn't even bother me. If people saw that I was a boy, and I knew that most people didn't look that close, then so what! There wasn't anything I could do about it – for a few more hours anyway – and counting.

Finally, I got to our town. Finally, our street. Then, there was the house. I was in the driveway. I had just opened my car door to get out when Mom rushed out to greet me. "Welcome home, welcome home. Let me see you," she said practically pulling me out of the car. Then she stood back for about half a second to look at me real quickly then she rushed at me again to give me a fierce hug. "Oh, it's so good to see you again. I missed you so much." I was standing there dressed as a girl and my mother was hugging me to death. God it felt wonderful to hug her again!

"Let me see you," she said again finally as she stood back to take a better look at me. There were a few tears in her eyes. She had really missed me. I had missed her too. I just stood there with the car door still open while she gave me the quick once-over. She was smiling and wiping a tear off her face as she said laughed a bit and said, "You look like a girl."

I didn't know whether to be embarrassed by that or complemented. I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "Yeah, sort of."

"No," she said, "you look very nice. You should have sent me some pictures!"

"Mom, all this was embarrassing enough."

"I'm sure it was Sweetie. Let me help you get your things in. It's cold out here."

It took the two of us four trips to get everything into the house and up to my room. My mother made a comment during one trip that I certainly wasn't having any problem getting up and down the steps in high heels. "I've had a lot of practice," I just said to that.

Finally, it was all in. Finally, I could get back to being a boy again. But first, there was another small problem that had to be taken care of.

"Mom," I started hesitantly, almost afraid to ask. Hey, it was embarrassing – especially with your mother! "Can I have the key to my chastity device? Jill said she mailed it to you."

"Yes she did. You know, that is one stubborn girl! She wouldn't give in to any of my requests for you."

"You talked to her?"

"Sure, several times."

"About me?"

"Well of course! Who else?"

"About what?"

She just sort of raised her eyebrows. Me, of course. My situation. She had just been trying to help. I just shook my head. "Anyway Mom, about the key?"

"Honey, would you mind staying as Stephanie for just a little while longer. Everybody wants to see you."

"See me? But Mom, it's embarrassing!"

"Well for heavens sake, you just spent months living that way night and day. I don't see where another day is going to kill you."

"But Mom, another day?"

"Yes, your Aunt Flo invited everybody for dinner tomorrow afternoon."

My Aunt Flo! "But Mom, everybody will be there!"

"Of course Sweetie, they all want to see you."

"Mom… Do I have to?"

"Yes you do Stephen… or Stephanie… whatever."

I just sat down hard on my bed amid a jumble of clothing we had pulled out of my car. My big plans for getting back to being a boy right away were going to have to wait. At least it was only for another day. Unfortunately, I was going to have to show myself off to the entire family first. Embarrassing!

"C'mon Sweetie, I'll bet you're hungry after that long drive. Let's fix some dinner." As we headed back downstairs she said, "That necklace really looks pretty on you."

"Yeah," I said fingering it, "like I said before, I love it. It means a lot to me…"

During dinner, Mom finally settled in on calling me Stephanie. She kept looking at me and watching me. "You're so feminine," she said at one point.

I just shrugged and said, "I've had lots of practice." The Stephanie part was only going to last another day. Then I could be Stephen again!

Ok, so I wore a nightgown to bed again that night. I didn't have to, but I was still Stephanie. Besides, I was used to it.

I didn't go to church with Mom on Sunday. She asked me to, but I just couldn't do it. Instead I spent the morning as Stephanie, doing Stephen's laundry. At least when the day was over, Stephen would have freshly clean clothes to wear.

After Mom got home from church, she said "Wear something pretty to your Aunt Flo's today." So I wore a dress. Heck, they were all going to see me as a girl anyway. Actually, I just wore a white blouse with a maroon jumper over it. Simple, but nice. Mom thought so too. I dreaded facing the entire family that way, but they all knew after all. It would be embarrassing, but only for a few more hours. I really loved my family and loved the big dinners we had together, but this time I was hoping we would leave early.

When we got there, Aunt Flo welcomed us in. She greeted me with a small hug and a kiss on the cheek and called me Stephanie. My Uncle John was in the room watching me with a big smile. He called me Stephanie too. When I took my coat off to reveal the dress I was wearing, Aunt Flo told me how nice I looked. What could I do except thank her.

Aunt Flo's daughter Melinda wasn't there yet. Melinda was married with two young kids, but her brother, JJ (John Jr.) was upstairs. He came down from his room and greeted me a bit different. "Well, what do we have here?" he said. I could tell he didn't quite know how to greet me. I know how he felt. I didn't know myself. Forty five minutes later everybody was there, Melinda and her family, Grandma and Gramps, and my Uncle Tom who had driven in to spend the holidays with us. Little Jennifer, Melinda's five-year old girl came up to me and pulled on my dress as soon as they arrived. "You look like a girl," she laughed. Joey, her three year old brother was right next to her. "I knelt down and gave them both a big hug. "I'm glad to see you too," I said.

Everybody called me Stephanie, everybody talked about how nice I looked. While dinner was being prepared, I tried to sit in the living room with the guys and watch TV. Mostly I was ignored. I got the feeling that all the men were uncomfortable around me. They didn't know what to say to me. Finally, I got up and went into the kitchen with all the women. "There you are," Aunt Flo said to me. "Then she handed me two tomatoes, "here cut these up." I was instantly one of the ladies.

I once tried to describe our family dinners to Brenda. They're totally wonderful and shear chaos at the same time. My Aunt and Uncle have this absolutely huge table that we can all sit around at the same time. It's a bit crowed I guess, but nobody seems to mind. Food is passed everywhere. Everybody talks at the same time, and we generally have a real good time visiting. Brenda had cried.

It was a really nice dinner, although I realized that I had spent most of it talking with the other women instead of to the men. That was a bit different. I'm not sure anybody else realized it. At one point, little Jennifer asked me, "So, are you going to be my Aunt Stephanie now?" I was speechless. Fortunately her mother answered for me telling her no, I was just doing this for the day. Thank you Melinda!

After dinner, I again wandered in to watch TV with the men, and again I felt uncomfortable. I went back to the kitchen with the ladies. The dishwasher was running, my mother was washing some pots in the sink. Melinda was trying desperately to take care of Joey while Jennifer was yelling trying to get her attention. Grandma and Aunt Flo were putting dishes up. Totally normal.

I walked over and picked up Jennifer. "What's your problem," I asked her sitting down and setting her on my lap.

She reached up and touched my earrings then said. "You smell pretty."

"Thank you very much. I like my perfume too."

"What kind is it?" Aunt Flo asked me. I was one of the ladies again.

Grandma, Gramps, and Uncle Tom were the first ones to leave. Uncle Tom was staying with them and was driving them home. Just before they walked out the door, Gramps asked me, "When are you going to be a boy again?"

"Just as soon as I can get home," I answered him.

"Good," he said simply, then left.

On the way home my mother said, "You didn't spend much time watching TV with the guys."

"I know," I said. "I sort of felt uncomfortable, or more like they were uncomfortable around me, so I left."

"Well, you acted like a real lady tonight. I was actually proud of you."

"Thanks, I think," I said smiling at her.

She looked at me and laughed a bit. "Sorry," she said.

"It's Ok, I didn't mind."

 

Finally we were home. Finally I could get back to being a boy again. As soon as I had stashed my coat and purse in my room I went looking for my mother again. "Mom, can I have that key now?"

"Oh, of course Sweetie. I'm sorry, I totally forgot about it. I should have given it to you yesterday. There was no reason for you to have to wear whatever that thing is and be uncomfortable. I'm so sorry!"

"It's Ok Mom. It kind of goes with the whole look. I've worn it so long I don't hardly notice it anymore." She handed me the key and once again apologized. I simply made a bee line for my room.

Freedom! It was off and it was going to stay off – at least for the next few weeks. I stripped naked, found my old bathrobe, and headed for the bathroom to take a shower. As I started the water running, I looked at the bathtub, a bath sure would have felt good, but finally I was going to be a boy again. Baths were for girls.

I scrubbed myself hard making sure I was getting rid of all my perfume. I washed my hair, but for once, I didn't use a blow dryer or a curling iron on it. I had forgotten to take my nail polish off before my shower. As soon as I got back to my room the color came off too. I was tempted to cut my nails, but it had taken so long to grow them. What was I going to do when it was time to go back to school? I just decided to worry about that later and I left them long for the time being.

Boy's underwear! Hey, the panties felt a lot better, but they were for girls. No bra, now that was really nice! I threw on an old jogging suit and went down to watch some TV for a while. I was finally a boy again. I was smiling and proud when I walked into our den and sat down on the sofa. "Welcome back Stephen," my mother said with a grin.

"Thank you," I said happily.

I didn't sleep much that night. I sort of had an unexpected problem. After being in that chastity device for so long with virtually nothing between my legs, it felt strange to suddenly have something there again. Worse, now that it was free, it was responding to every errant thought that crossed through my head. I dreamed that night about a satin gown and my hands touching the smooth soft fabric every time I smoothed it. I dreamed about soft lips touching mine. It bothered me that they were Gary's so I consciously thought about Brenda's instead. I dreamed about laying next to her and how her legs felt next to mine. I dreamed about touching her in places I had never seen. I dreamed about holding and kissing her. I woke up in a wet bed. "Oh shit!" I thought, now I'll have to wash the sheet as soon as Mom goes to work. It was sure good to be a boy again, but I certainly slept better when there was nothing between my legs.

 

Mom had to work for the next two days and I had lots of Christmas shopping to do. I was up and dressed early to have breakfast with her before she went to work. She looked at me a bit strangely that morning, but otherwise, just kissed me goodbye and said have a good day. I had dressed in my old jeans and a flannel shirt. My hair looked a sight. I didn't have a clue what to do with it. The way it was styled it stuck out all over my head. There was no way to deny that it was a very feminine haircut. I decided to wear a hat while I was out. I still didn't know what to do about my nails. I knew they would grow back again, but I was just reluctant to cut them.

About nine thirty, I headed out for one of the malls. Mom had given me some money to shop with and I was certainly on a budget, but I was used to that. I was out as a boy again – even if I did have long nails. The odd thing was that I felt funny. I felt like I had when I first started dressing like a girl, only now things were all reversed again. Did I look like a boy? Were people staring at me? Stranger still, I missed my purse! I kept feeling for the strap, or looking to see where I might have set it down. It gave me a few moments of panic. "God, I'm a jerk I thought."

I couldn't afford to buy anything expensive, but I did get my mother some perfume. Hey, it was my favorite, and I thought she might like it too. If not, I figured I could always "borrow" it later. After lunch, I almost walked into the ladies room by mistake. Fortunately I caught myself in time. I got to stand at a urinal to pee. One of life's little pleasures, but I started to worry that I hadn't wiped myself before I zipped my pants back up. I ask you, how silly can you get?

It was soon after that that I noticed that people were looking at me funny. I couldn't figure out why though. It unnerved me enough that I ended my shopping right there and just went home. I had had a pretty good day though. I had also seen lots of clothes that Stephanie could have worn. But for once, I was happy to be Stephen again. Yeah!

I helped Mom fix dinner that night. All through the process and later all through dinner she would occasionally look at me with a frown on her face. Later in the evening I came downstairs from my room to watch TV with her. Two minutes after I had sat down, she set her knitting down and declared, "I give up! Ok, are you supposed to be Stephen or Stephanie?"

"Huh? What are you talking about? I'm Stephen of course!"

"Well, I can't tell!"

I mentally took stock of what I was wearing. Not a single piece of feminine clothing. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Well first of all, let's start with your hair. It looks like a total rat's nest, but the cut is still obviously a woman's haircut."

"I didn't know what to do with it," I said. I didn't want to use a curling iron on it or even the blow dryer. I wore a hat all day instead."

"You could have at least run a brush through it. It looks awful. Then there's your nails, don't you think they're a bit long?"

"Yeah," I said sheepishly. "It just took so long for them to grow out that I didn't want to cut them. I'll do it tonight."

"And how about the rest of you? You don't act like a boy anymore!"

"What do you mean?"

"Look at you. Every time you move, you move more like a girl, femininely. Then there's you facial expressions, they're a lot more girlish too. Look at the way you're sitting. You never used to sit with your legs together all the time."

I was in shock. All the new habits and mannerisms I had worked so hard to learn were now working against me. "I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't even realize. I'll have to watch myself."

"Sweetie," she said in a much nicer tone of voice. "What did they do to you while you were away?"

I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn't know what to say. As Mom picked up her knitting again I looked down at my knees. They were still stuck together. Very slowly I forced them apart. Memories of the shock treatment I had received flashed through my mind. I ignored them. How wide was I supposed to hold them? I couldn't remember. I knew there was no answer to it, but I wondered anyway. As my legs moved apart another odd feeling hit me. I felt like I was exposing myself. How strange it is that women, who have nothing between their legs, hold them closed so as not to expose something they don't have sticking out. Now I had something between my legs again and opening them felt like I was exposing myself. Ok, I'm weird!

I sort of cut my nails that night. Actually I only cut them back a little bit. I kept thinking about how I felt every time I broke a nail and had to repair it and wait till it grew back out again. I mentally berated myself for thinking like that. Boys don't have long nails and they don't worry about breaking them. It was stupid I know, but the end result was that while they got cut, they were still a bit on the long side.

I didn't sleep too well again that night. While I didn't mess up the bed, that little "thing" down there kept me awake. I loved it of course and made three trips to the bathroom to quickly finish myself off during the night. I figured I could take a nap during the day instead.

The next morning, I tried like anything to brush my hair someway that it might look at least a bit more masculine. Nothing I tried seemed to work. It had been cut to look full and that was that. I even tried pulling it back into a short pony tail, but not all of it would pull back. I would have had to wear too many hair clips to make that happen. I opted for my hat again when I went out. It still looked a bit strange, but what choice did I have.

I didn't have too much shopping left to do, but again I noticed people looking at me. I think I was watching more for it now. It had been embarrassing to be a girl, and now it was embarrassing to be a boy. I caught myself a few times moving my hands femininely or standing a bit too femininely, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out how to do it any other way. It made me so frustrated and depressed. The longer I was out the worse I seemed to feel.

A few times I thought I had heard someone say "Queer" and later "Fag." I hadn't looked around though. But later as I was standing in a long check-out line, a group of teenage boys walked by. "Hey look, there's that pervert again!" I wasn't a pervert. "Hey Fag, why don't you go home and put on a dress!"

It was too much for me. Maybe I was just tired, I don't know, but as tears came to my eyes, I simply set my few purchases on a nearby shelf and ran out of line to the door, all the while listening to those boys laughing at me. "Look at the way he runs!"

I fought my tears all the way home. I ran into the house. Mom was there, she had said her company might let them off early. The tears came faster as I got into the house and ran to my room. "Stephen, what's wrong," my mother practically yelled as she hurried to follow me.

I ran to my room, flew onto the bed, buried my face into my pillow and hugging it tightly, cried my eyes out. "Stephen, what's wrong? What happened?" My mother was almost hysterical with worry.

I just continued to cry and said, "Go away!"

She sat down on my bed next to me. "Stephen, stop that. Tell me what's wrong."

"I can't be a boy," I said through the tears and into my pillow.

"What do you mean?"

"Everybody's laughing at me."

She reached over and pulled me up to a sitting position. "Come on… Here, let me hold you…" I sat up and leaned against her shoulder and cried while she held me. "There, there, it's Ok…" Finally, when I had settled down enough, I sat up straight again. I felt silly. Someone my age, crying on his mother's shoulder. I'm glad no one else saw me.

"I'm sorry," I said to her.
"Stephen, do you want to tell me what this is all about now?"

"It's just that it's hard to be a boy again. I want to, but I've spent so much time trying to be a girl and do things so that nobody will notice that I'm a boy, that I can't seem to act like a boy anymore. And I want to be a boy, but everybody stares at me. They called me a queer and a fag today. It was worse than when I was first going out wearing girls clothes."

"Oh honey, maybe now you'll quit that school and go somewhere else instead."

"No! I don't want to stop going there. I'm doing really well, and all my friends are there." And Brenda too I thought to myself.

"But Sweetie, look at what they're doing to you. If you can do well at that school, I have no doubt you can do just as well anywhere else."

"No, I'm going back. My tuition is paid and I already have all my books too. It's not so bad there anymore. Everybody thinks I'm a girl when they see me now. Nobody laughs anymore."

"You're as stubborn as your father was. Well I don't know how to help you then. Come on, go wash your face. You look a mess… and brush your hair again."

After she left I went into my bathroom. I did look a mess. Most of it was from crying I know, but otherwise, I didn't think I looked too good anyway. My hair was certainly a mess again. Not taking care of my hair properly had made it look awful. The hat hadn't helped either I was sure. I washed and dried my face. I looked a little bit better, but not much I thought. Some makeup would have certainly helped.

I decided to take a shower and wash my hair again. Afterwards, I didn't know what else to do with it, so I got my curling iron and blow dryer out and did it normally. It looked a lot better. As I was looking at myself I saw the empty holes where my earrings usually were. I didn't want the holes to close up again so I went and got my pink studs to put in them. I felt a bit better. I just looked all wrong and it bothered me. My hair was now feminine again and my pink studs were staring back at me again, but now I really felt like I needed some makeup. I went back to my room to get some. Maybe just a touch, I thought. I did go very light with it and purposely left the lipstick off, but I thought I looked a little better at least. I know I felt better.

When I went downstairs, Mom was dusting. When she looked at me, she raised her eyebrows.

"Better?" I asked.

"I'm not sure," she said. "You're hair looks very nice, for a girl, and your face looks a bit better too, again for a girl. I just can't tell if you're trying to be Stephen or Stephanie again."

A huge wave of frustration washed through me. "I don't know either," I said and turned and went back to my room to find a book to read.

Later, I got bored with my book and thought I'd get a snack downstairs. I just didn't know if I really felt like facing my mother again. I started to walk downstairs when I heard her on the phone. I still wasn't sure about facing her again yet, so I just sat down in the middle of the steps and listened.

"Hi Flo, it's me… I'm fine… No, I don't think he's doing too well at all… He's having an awfully hard time trying to be a boy again… No, he didn't cut his hair. You know he has to keep it long for next semester… He thinks everybody is laughing at him… Well he acts and moves like a girl… No he won't quit school, he's like his father, stubborn!... He cried his eyes out when he came home today… When I saw him a little while ago he had fixed his hair again like it was the other day and had a bit of makeup on again… No, he was wearing boy's clothes again… I think he's just so frustrated… No, I have no idea how to help him… I feel so sorry for him, he's so unhappy… I know, I feel so helpless. I just want him to be happy… Yeah, I'll let you know… Talk to you later… Bye."

I turned around and went quietly back to my room again. Mom didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to think either.

Mom was quiet during most of dinner that night. I guess I was too. She kept looking at me sadly while she ate. I just wanted to go back and hide in my room again. At least there it didn't matter what I looked like or how I acted. Finally, Mom put her fork down and said, "Stephen, would it make you feel better to be Stephanie again?"

I though about it for a few seconds then said, "I don't know. I really want to be Stephen, but it's just so hard. I never imagined I'd have a problem with it. Being Stephanie is a lot easier. Who would have thought?"

"Well, you do whatever you feel most comfortable doing Sweetie. I know you want to be Stephen. I want you to be Stephen, but I don't want to see you so unhappy. You just be whoever you want to be."

I just nodded my head. I didn't know who I wanted to be. Stephen certainly, but there was a lot of Stephanie that intruded now. That old picture puzzle of Stephen/Stephanie flashed through my mind again. It looked all mixed up. I didn't go back to my room to hide again. Instead, I helped do the dishes then watched TV for the rest of the night, trying to put the whole problem out of my mind.

That night, my errant member was up to its usual tricks again. I was exhausted, but it still kept me awake. After my first trip to the bathroom to quite it down, I went and found my chastity device and put it on so I could get some sleep. I was wearing it again I knew, but the key was on my dresser top. It was by my choice.

The next morning when I got up, I fixed my hair again, and again went light on the makeup. As I stared at myself in the mirror I finally said to my self, "The heck with it!" and added some lipstick too. I smiled at myself. Then because I just felt like it, I put on panties over top of my chastity device and added a bra and pantyhose. I choose a pair of my girl jeans and a warm knit top to go on top of it. I added the necklace my mother had sent to me. I left my shoes off. When I looked in the mirror again, I said to myself, "Hi Stephanie." Then I went downstairs to breakfast.

Mom was drinking coffee in the den and making marks in her address book. She looked up at me and stared with what I thought was a sad look on her face for a while. I just stood there letting her look at me. Finally, she smiled at me. "Hi Sweetie," she said kindly. "Do you want me to fix you something to eat?"

I smiled back at her, "No thanks, I'll just grab one of those doughnuts I saw in there last night."

"That's what I had," she said. "They're awfully good."

We weren't quite trying to tiptoe around each other all morning, but I could tell we both felt a bit odd about it. Mom was certainly nice and was trying to be understanding, but face it, it was a bit awkward – for both of us.

I still had a couple of things I needed to buy, especially since I had left most of them behind when I ran out of the store the day before. Mom suggested we go together and have lunch while we were out. It sounded good to me. I checked my makeup, threw on my boots and coat and picked up my purse. For something I had hated so much, I was amazed at how much I had missed it.

Mom and I had a good time together. I didn't worrying about whether I was acting like a boy or a girl, I simply acted like myself. Nobody laughed. People do notice sometimes that I'm not a girl and they'll stare a bit, but they don't usually say anything. I simply felt more comfortable being Stephanie. I know Mom was a bit unnerved by it, but I think she enjoyed our day too.

That night I phoned Brenda to wish her a Merry Christmas. I missed her terribly. She sounded sad on the phone. I knew she didn't have the kind of family I had, mostly just her mother. I told her all about my problems being Stephen and that I seemed to be dressing as Stephanie again. She just said "Good!"

Christmas day was like a repeat of the previous Sunday, only with a truckload of gifts. Everybody knew I was Stephanie because I had had too much trouble being Stephen again. Fortunately, nobody mentioned it, at least not to me. I didn't even try to sit with the men, I helped out in the kitchen with the ladies instead. Little Jennifer called me Aunt Stephanie all day. I just smiled.

As usual, I got tons of gifts for Christmas. My Uncle Tom got me a small tape recorder that I could take to class with me to record the lectures. JJ got me a subscription to a computer magazine. Every other gift I got was girl's clothes or jewelry. I found out later in the kitchen that Jill had told my mother that I needed lots of "girly" things. And that if she didn't think they were girly enough, I wouldn't be wearing them. So most of my Christmas gifts that year were "girly" things.

"We didn't want to get you anything you couldn't use," Aunt Flo said to me.

"Did you really like everything Sweetie?" My mother had asked. I assured everyone that I was totally thrilled and loved everything they had gotten me.

"It was fun buying you girl things for a change this year," Melinda said. They all laughed.

"It was fun getting all girl things for a change," I said in return. Later, I realized that I really had enjoyed it. There were lots of pretty new things in those boxes for me to wear.

 

Part of me was really sad about it, and part of me wasn't. I had wanted to spend my three weeks off being Stephen again. It just hadn't worked out. I spent them as Stephanie instead. And I think I was happy. Well happier anyway. Mom just got used to me I think and we spent as much time as we could getting to know each other again. It was a different kind of relationship between us, still close, just a bit different.

Just before New Years, Mom got a package in the mail. A late Christmas present I thought, but I didn't look to see who it was from. I should have. Mom opened it in the kitchen that night right after she got home from work. I was stirring some soup on the stove. "Stephanie!"

I turned around to look, mildly curious, and walked over to see what she had gotten. It was all the pictures from the Senior Awards Banquet. Jill had sent them to her. "Oh my God!" I said looking over her shoulder.

"Stephanie, you look lovely," she said holding up the portrait that had been taken of just me. "Who are all these other people?"

Mom had known about the dinner, but now I had to stand there and point out who was who in the pictures. She was particularly interested in Jill and Brenda. All during dinner she teased me about Gary being my boyfriend. I hated when she did that.

After dinner she got out a pen and some paper and I had to go through the big group picture again and tell her everybody's name so she could write them down. Mom is a little crazy about things like that. She always has to label her pictures so she knows when they were taken and who is in them. We both looked again at the portrait picture of me. This time I got to look at it a little more critically. Did I look like a girl? At first glance, "possibly", I thought. But the closer I looked, the less I liked what I saw, all the little things that always give me away. When I mentioned them to Mom, she said, "Well what do you expect? Besides, I think you're just being too critical. I think you look lovely."

Later that night I noticed that the portrait picture of me was standing by itself on her dresser. I didn't see any of the other pictures. I wished I hadn't seen that one. I just hoped she would hide it away somewhere before anybody else could see it.

 

It was with a lot of sadness when I finally packed my car to leave again. All my boy things were left behind in my room, mostly in boxes. My bags were filled with just girl things again. Mom cried to see me go. I cried too. "How girlish," I thought.

I wondered often during the long drive back to school what the new semester would bring for me. The changes that had occurred in me during the first semester had been drastic, much more than I ever would have thought. Now, I was about to face a whole new semester. If I was this much of a girl now, what was I going to be like come summer? I had fought it as hard as I could all first semester. Now, I realized that I wasn't going to be fighting it at all anymore, instead I was going to be accepting it. It was a scary thought in a way. I had changed. I was going to change more. Probably a lot more. I just didn't know how. I drove and wondered. Brenda was waiting up ahead for me. I smiled at that thought.

 

 

INTERLUDE

 

"Hi Flo… Yes, he's gone… It was fun having a daughter for a change, different. I miss Stephen though. I just hope he'll be alright. I feel so helpless. I have no way to help him… I know, I don't know what he'll be like then, we'll just have to wait and see… He's my son! I'm going to love him no matter what!... I keep thinking, if it's this hard for me, what must it be like for him?

  

  

  

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