Girlish

(A love story)

by Karen Singer

 

Chapter 7

 

Overnight it seemed like my life had changed. Now, my every waking moment was concerned with "Do I look enough like a girl?" After the way things had been in that Burger King, I was tired of people laughing at me. It was strange though because other parts of me were still resisting - hard. I needed to look like a girl, but I still didn't want to be a girl. The result was that I was mentally clinging to anything boyish that I could.

On Monday I wore jeans to school and my new pink sneakers – heaven! After wearing those boots all day on Sunday, my poor toes had hurt all night. The addition of makeup and of course my new "breasts" seemed to make me look totally different. I also tried to comb my hair like Jill had done it. I just had trouble keeping it that way.

I was standing out in the hallway after my first class talking with Diane and Courtney like we often did since our next class was only a short distance down the hall when I decided to take the opportunity to relieve my bladder – like I usually did at that time. I excused myself from them and headed to the men's room – like usual. But this time, as I was about to open the door, it was opened from the inside instead, by someone I didn't know. "Whoops, wrong room," he said politely to me."

"Huh?" He was pointing at the "Men's Room" label on the door. I backed up to let him pass me and then kept going all the way back to Courtney and Diane again. I was shocked. It had never been a problem before.

Courtney saw my confusion and simply took me by the arm and led me over to the ladies room saying, "Come on, you really don't belong in there any more, do you?" As she opened the ladies room door I stopped for a second and looked back across to the Men's Room. I didn't belong there any more and I knew it. The thought just hadn't entered my mind before. One more piece of being a boy had just been ripped away from me.

I was starting to feel like a jigsaw puzzle with a thousand pieces. On one side was a picture of Stephen, and on the other a picture of Stephanie. More and more I seemed to be losing the Stephen pieces and seeing Stephanie instead. I wanted to scream.

 

On Tuesday evening, Brenda and I were sitting in the kitchen talking. It had turned positively cold out that day. Suddenly Melissa came in with a small package that I had seen laying on an end table in the living room earlier but hadn't really looked at. "This came for you earlier in the mail," she said. "I don't think you saw it."

"For me? I never get mail," I said immensely surprised. The package was from my mother. I simply didn't know what to make of that. I had to get a knife to cut all the tape that held it together. Inside the box I found a note and another smaller box. I picked up the note and read it to myself.

 

'Dear Stephen, or maybe Stephanie, I'm not sure at this point what I should call you.

'We all know how hard this is on you and everyone here sends their support and love. You have been in my mind constantly and I want you to know that no matter how you look, I will still love you.

'I found this little gift for you as a way to try to just say that no matter what, I will still love you.

 

'All My Love,

'Mom'

 

I set the note down on the table and picked up the tiny box and opened it. Inside was a heart shaped necklace. The heart shape was turned a bit on its side and was covered in pink and white stones.

Both Brenda and Melissa were crowding around me to look. "Oh, it's pretty," Brenda said.

"It's beautiful," Melissa agreed.

I wanted to cry. There were a lot of mixed emotions going through me at that point. I know my mother meant well, but inside, I would rather she had sent me a football!

"Put it on," Melissa said excitedly grabbing the box right out of my hand. She pulled on the pendant and I saw a long thin silver chain come out of the box with it. She opened the clasp, reached around my neck, then fastened it on me.

Brenda reached forward and straightened it against my chest. "It's beautiful," she said staring at it. "You're so lucky." Lucky? That's not exactly what I was thinking.

"What's going on?" I heard Jill say as she entered the room.

"Stephanie's mother just sent him a necklace," Melissa said.

"Really?" Jill said coming over to look. "Oh Stephanie, it's beautiful. That was so nice of her." I really hated being the center of attention.

"Can I read the note?" Brenda asked.

"Yeah, go ahead," I said to her.

"Read it aloud," Melissa said. I wasn't crazy about that idea, but I didn't say anything.

"Dear Stephen, or maybe Stephanie, I'm not sure at this point what I should call you," Brenda read aloud. That started Melissa giggling. She didn't giggle a bit during the rest of the note.

"That is so sweet," Melissa said at the end.

"You are so lucky to have a mother like that," Jill said seriously.

Brenda was just quiet and looked positively sad. She didn't say anything.

"You'll have to send her a thank-you note," Jill said.

"I don't know," I said, "maybe I'll just call her."

"You definitely should call her," Melissa chimed in, "but Jill's right, you should also send a note."

I hated writing letters and what would I say anyway? 'Thanks Mom for the beautiful necklace, I love it?' Like I said before, I would have rather had a football.

 

Wednesday was a weird day! That was the day that Jill started to get on my case about the way I acted again. More nagging. "I told you before not to do it that way…do it this way! I told you before not to sit that way... keep you knees together when you sit down!"

"But I'm wearing jeans!" I said at one point in my defense. "What does it matter?"

Jill threw up her arms in exasperation. "It matters a lot! A lady always sits with her knees together."

"I'm not a lady," I answered. I was starting to get mad.

Unfortunately, Jill was in one of those moods where nothing in the world would please her. "You're certainly not," she said, but I'm going to make you one if it kills you!"

 

Later that afternoon, I was just getting out of my last class for the day when my cell phone rang. Strange in itself…stranger still was that it was Brenda. "Stephanie, can I please borrow your car this afternoon?"

"Huh?" Brenda didn't own a car and I wasn't even sure she could drive.

"I want to drive myself to my therapy appointment," she said.

Brenda had been wearing that little bit of makeup all week and today she had again worn her new slacks and shoes. She was really trying. "Sure, I guess," I said still a bit worried about loaning my car out. It wasn't much, but it ran. "There's a spare set of keys in my top desk drawer."

"Oh thank you!" she said excitedly and just hung up on me. Now I would be worried about her, and my car, until she got back.

When I got home, Jill made me spend a long time practicing standing up and sitting down in different chairs all over the house. "Put your knees together before you sit down! Now stand up again. Swing your legs around first. Keep those knees together! Stand up! Sit down! Stand up! Sit down!"

After a while it almost felt like a game – despite her irritating attitude. Simon says stand up. Simon says sit down. I was tempted to not sit down one time and almost said "But Simon didn't say!" It's a good thing I didn't.

Brenda came home while we were "working" in the kitchen. She proudly handed me my car keys and thanked me. I was so grateful she had no problems. She seemed to be very happy. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Stephanie is practicing sitting down and standing up properly!" Jill said still in that irritated voice.

"That's a good idea," Brenda said, "he sits like a lump."

I just rolled my eyes. "What does it matter when I'm wearing jeans?" I complained.

"Stephanie, it matters a lot," Brenda said. "You're so worried about people noticing that you're really a boy, but none of your actions are feminine at all."

"They sure aren't!" Jill agreed. "You're attitude toward this is just not what it needs to be!"

"But I don't want to be a girl!" I positively yelled.

Jill looked really mad. "Sit Down!" she yelled at me. I sat again. "Stand Up!" I stood again. She was mad. "Sit down!" I sat, but it didn't feel like a game anymore and now I was getting angry too. "Now just sit there for a while, and don't you dare get up till I tell you to!" Then she walked out followed by Brenda and headed upstairs leaving me sitting there at the kitchen table alone.

I sat there for a good twenty minutes just stewing. I was about to get up despite what she had said when she finally came back down again. "Stephanie, how many times do I have to tell you to keep your knees together?"

"But I've been sitting there forever. I got tired so I relaxed a bit. Nobody's even been in the room with me," I complained.

"I got tired," she said in a very taunting voice mimicking me. "It doesn't matter if you get tired, you just keep them together!"

"But nobody was here." I returned.

"I don't care," she came back at me. "I think you need another attitude adjustment!"

I was really getting tired and angry – and stupid. "I don't care!" I said and just got up and went back to our room. I knew another beating was probably coming. I just didn't care. The rest of the evening I waited for it. It never came. Jill just kept looking angry at me, but she didn't say anything.

 

 

INTERLUDE

 

Dr. Young sat back in her chair and stared at the few notes she had taken from her session with Brenda. She had been treating her for over a year now with very minimal progress. It had been amazing that Brenda had even been able to attend her classes. If it hadn't been for her friend Sharon's continuous support, Brenda would probably have been a serious suicide case.

But today had been different. Brenda had walked into her office almost proudly. No longer was she the type of person you almost had to look twice at just to notice that she was there. Dr. Young had actually stood up from her desk at the first sight of her in amazement. Brenda hadn't been outlandish or even bold in the way she looked, but for once she had looked almost normal. And she had smiled – a very rare thing.

The whole session had been an accounting of event after event that she had forced herself through during the past few days. For some reason she had now latched onto this Stephanie and had identified with her. That was another area of concern since she knew that Stephanie seemed to be some boy who was being forcibly crossdressed. But Stephanie wasn't her case and if in some way identifying with Stephanie could help Brenda, then she doubted that a little petticoating would actually hurt the boy. Instead, Brenda seemed to be seeing how difficult it was for Stephanie to be a girl, and was realizing how much she herself was no longer feminine. Finally it was bothering her to the point where she was willing to do something about it. Somehow, the courage that Stephanie had to find to go about his life dressed as a girl was encouraging Brenda to find that same courage within herself.

Dr. Young frowned at one last thought that she put in her notes. How would Brenda eventually react to seeing Stephanie as a boy again?

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jill and Ms. Carter sat in the Burger Barn late in the afternoon. The place was practically empty so they could sit comfortably and just talk. "Well, it looks to me like you've succeeded very nicely with Stephanie," Ms, Carter said.

Jill who was looking fairly despondent looked up at her with some annoyance on her face. "Yeah, I guess so – so far. But I'm having a lot of trouble with his attitudes now. On the one hand he's trying really hard to look like a girl so people won't notice that he's a boy, while at the same time he's doing everything he can to not act like a girl. We had another argument over it yesterday - made me really mad."

"I see. Jill, you've already taken him further than most other's who do this kind of thing ever get. What more do you want out of him?"

"What more? I still want to make him totally girlish! And I mean it. Oh, I'm happy that he's at least dressing the part better now, but the more I think about it, that's just a small thing."

"It may not be such a small thing for him."

Jill smiled, "Probably not – definitely not! But I really want him to act like a girl too... and to think like one. And then there's the way he looks physically. I mean, it's Ok and he's starting to look pretty good, but his hips and backside aren't big enough, and while the bra is a big improvement, somehow his breasts just don't move right. And then there's his hair, it's getting there, but I want it to be long.

Ms. Carter just smiled. "Jill, you're getting to impatient. Rome wasn't built in a day. Step back and enjoy the progress you have made already. It really is amazing."

"I know. I just want more."

"Then continue pushing him like you have been. Keep steering him into doing what you want him to. But you better continue to be firm with him or you'll have more and more trouble with him and you'll quickly find him being a boy again. I wouldn't put up with any arguments out of him at all, no matter what! I hope you punished him for arguing with you yesterday."

"No, I didn't really. I know I should have, but I guess since it's that time of the month for me, I didn't want to take that out on him too."

"Jill! It doesn't matter what time of the month it is. If he needs punishing, then punish him – while he still knows what it's for!"

"I suppose you're right. He's really been pretty good otherwise though."

"It doesn't matter. He has to know that he can't push you. What you say – goes!"

"I know you're right. I think I'll ask Aaron again for his help. I have a feeling he'll be more than glad to lend a hand."

"Good. Now as to some of the other things you want, there are always alternatives and ways to go about things. Let's take things one at a time. You said you're not happy with his backside or breasts. Have you thought a padded girdle or some better breast forms?"

"He can't afford the breast forms yet. They're way too expensive. I didn't think about the girdle though. That may help."

"Of course you could always put him on hormones. It would take a long time but it certainly would accomplish what you want, and more!"

"God, I never thought of that. I may look into it."

"Well, if you do, just do your research carefully. They're not something to just fool around with."

"Don't worry, if I do it, I'll check thoroughly first."

"As to the other things, you just need to be firm, keep steering him in your direction, and be patient. There's no quick fix for the way he thinks. You may have to start spending more time with him and try to share some feminine interests with him. As to his mannerisms, again you'll have to be patient. Just correct him when you see something you want to change and make sure he does it that way from then on. Otherwise, punish him, and quickly."

Jill smiled. "I'll try she said. And I know I'm not patient. I guess I never have been."

Ms. Carter smiled back at her. "By the way, did you know that I talked to his mother not too long ago?"

Jill was shocked. "You did?"

"Um hmm, I suggested to her that maybe Stephen would be better off trying to dress completely like a girl all the time instead of sitting on the fence so to speak. She wasn't very happy to hear that."

"That's incredible. You know what? She sent him a necklace in the mail this week as kind of a way to say that she still loved him no matter what he looks like."

"You're kidding? It sounds like she may have actually taken my suggestion after all."

"Strange isn't it?"

"It sure is!"

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

That evening, Jill sat on Aaron's bed talking to him again. "I kind of would like your help with Stephanie," she said as she watched him changing the CD in his player.

"What's up?" Aaron asked.

"Stephanie needs another attitude adjustment. He argued with me yesterday and I didn't punish him then, but I kind of feel like he needs it. I just don't have, let's say – as much persuasive ability as you do."

Aaron smiled. "You know of course that you're talking right up my alley?"

"That's why I asked."

"What were you arguing about?"

"Well, it's his attitude. I was trying to make him practice sitting properly and he's just not taking it seriously enough. And he absolutely won't keep his knees together when he sits down. I had made him sit at the kitchen table for twenty minutes last night, and when I came back into the room, there he was with his knees wide apart again. He just can't get it through his head that this is something he needs to do. So I got mad at him, and he got mad back at me."

Aaron stared at the ceiling for a minute. "I wonder?" he said more to himself. "I would never have let him argue with me," he said still staring at the ceiling. "I would have clobbered him right on the spot for even attempting to not be polite and follow my every word."

"It was a mistake, I know."

"I've just been thinking, maybe a little spanking is not all that he needs. Maybe he needs something a little bit more in the order of letting the punishment fit the crime. Oh don't get me wrong, I think he needs a spanking too, but afterwards, perhaps something else."

"What are you thinking in that devilish mind of yours?" Jill asked with a grin.

"A while back I did some playing with some dog training shock devices. I kind of reengineered them a bit. I think I can modify them just a tiny bit more to really give him something to think about."

"Dog training devices? Aaron, just what exactly do you actually have in mind?"

Aaron smiled at her, "Well, since he doesn't like to keep his knees together, suppose we fix him so he has to keep them apart - wide apart. With these devices, I can rig them so that if he tries to close his legs at all, he'll get a really nasty shock – in both legs. I would think that after a day or so, he should be positively miserable."

Jill looked astonished. "Are you sure? It sounds nasty."

"We'll that's kind of the point isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess it is," Jill said grinning back. "When can we do it?"

"Tomorrow I think," Aaron replied still with that scheming look on his face.

As Jill was leaving, she stopped just before she got to the door. "Uh oh, I just thought of something, Brenda. She's just starting to come out of her shell and if she finds out about this it could hurt her too. I don't think we can keep her from knowing about it."

"Why don't you talk to her first," Aaron said simply. "Make her understand exactly why we're doing it."

"I'll try," Jill said. "In fact, I think I'll see if she's in her room now."

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Jill knocked on Brenda's door and poked her head in after Sharon called out to just come in. "Hi," Jill said. "Brenda, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Brenda laughed, "Well, that depends on whether or not you're going to ask if you can talk to Stephanie." They both laughed together. Jill was amazed at how far Brenda had come in such a short time.

"Do you two need me to leave?" Sharon asked.

"God no," Jill said. "I just need to kind of warn Brenda about something." Brenda was suddenly visibly worried but just sat there waiting.

"Brenda, do you remember yesterday when Stephanie smart mouthed me in the kitchen?"

"Yeah, he really shouldn't have done that. You were just trying to help him."

That was the attitude that Jill had been hoping for. "Right, he shouldn't have. And because of his attitudes about everything, I've decided that he needs to be punished for it."

Brenda stiffened and her eyes went wide. The look of fear was very visible. She started shaking her head just a little bit.

"Brenda, if I don't, he won't ever pass as a girl. He'll just start backtracking and being more of a boy than ever. You don't want to see that do you?"

"No," Brenda said tentatively. "But isn't there some other way? Do you have to hurt him?"

"We're not going to really hurt him - much, but sometimes the right kind of pain can be a good thing. We are planning to spank him just a bit just for being so rude to me and then Aaron has an idea that he thinks will make him remember to try a little harder from now on."

"What?" Brenda asked simply.

Jill explained what they had in mind to do as far as she was able. Brenda just sat there wide eyed and looked frightened the whole time.

"Does he know yet?" Brenda asked.

"No, not yet."

"Do you mind if I tell him?"

Jill was very surprised at that. "Sure, if you want. But I would prefer it if you only tell him that he's going to get punished and nothing more."

"Ok," Brenda agreed. "I can do that. Are you going to do it tonight?"

"I don't think so, probably tomorrow instead."

"Brenda nodded. "OK, I think I'll tell him now. He's not going to be happy about it."

"No, he won't, but then that's the point of punishment isn't it?"

"Yeah, unfortunately," Brenda said sadly. "Jill, thanks for telling me in advance. I would have probably freaked out otherwise."

Jill smiled at her, "That's why I did it. You like him and he likes you. You deserve to know." That made Brenda smile.

  

  

  

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