Girlish

(A love story)

by Karen Singer

 

Chapter 6

 

On Sunday I actually asked Jill if I could wear my long skirt to my study group meeting because I actually dreaded showing off the way my crotch looked in those jeans. Jill seemed happy to hear my request but instead of saying it would be Ok, she said maybe next week. She wanted me to wear my new jeans or the slacks all week.

I went off to my study session early and sat down at our usual table before anyone else got there. When Courtney and Diane got there, they sat down and we talked for a few minutes, then Diane said, "Ok, so what's new this week?" I don't see anything different.

I just blushed and said "I'm wearing girls jeans today, and all my boy's pants are now gone."

"Really? Let me see."

I had really been hoping to avoid it but I dutifully got up and modeled my new jeans.

It took Courtney only a moment to focus in on my crotch and almost yell with amazement, "God, Stephanie, look at your crotch. You look like a girl there now. How did you do that?"

"I'd rather not talk about it," I said as I sat down again to hide myself.

"No, really, I want to know too," said Diane.

"Please," I said, "it's just not something I want to get into right now." Just then I was saved from anything further when Josh came up with three more kids from some of our classes. It seemed that our study group was getting larger.

As we studied, or more properly as I was trying to teach them all, I kept having to get up and walk around to help each of them individually. I felt like everyone was looking at my crotch every time I did it. It really embarrassed me, but what could I do except to try to ignore it.

It seems that with the larger group we were starting to make more noise and the library staff cautioned us a few times about it. That was when Josh got resourceful and arranged for us to have one of the private rooms reserved for us every week. Our room was great. It had two long tables stuck end to end and a blackboard hung on one wall. It was almost like a small classroom and I decided to use it as such. It wasn't long before I was writing on the board for everyone to see instead of just putting it all on paper. As I stood there in front of them, I could still feel them looking at my crotch, but I knew that they were really having to concentrate more on the school work than on me, so it didn't seem so bad.

 

Sunday night was my scheduled time for sexual relief. I couldn't wait to get that belt off. When Jill finally said it was time and popped the catch on the belt, the sudden relief was almost painful. I slowly undid the zipper and gently eased my poor penis out of that device. It looked all wrinkled and white and still seemed to hold a bit of the shape it had been in. I breathed a huge sigh of relief as I finally removed the small catheter tube from inside it. Jill suggested that I take a quick bath at that point to clean it up since it smelled a bit. I gratefully agreed. While in the bath, I sponged off the belt too to keep it clean. My cock seemed to get back to normal after a minute or two. I think I was mentally worried that it wouldn't and would stay all scrunched up forever.

I didn't have to read my essay as I worked myself off that week. I guess it was only logical since the subject was so different. Sometime just before I climaxed though, I had another vision enter my head that for some reason really excited me. It was what I had seen of myself as I looked in the mirror while wearing my new jeans the day before. The mental image of my flat crotch was enough to put me over the edge and I spilled myself into the panties in my hand. Later that night as I thought about it, I started to wonder why those tiny images of me dressed as a girl were exciting me so much, first the sight of my legs and shoes when I was wearing that mini skirt and now how I looked in my new jeans. It started to worry me.

In school on Monday, I still felt like everyone was staring at my crotch all the time, but what could I do about it. Nobody said anything except to tell me how cute they looked on me. Diane and Courtney pressed me again during one of our breaks and I finally relented and told them about the device I was wearing. They both wanted to see it, but I wasn't about to go that far.

 

That night, as Brenda and I were sitting out on the porch again, she asked me about how I had gotten my crotch so flat, and again I relented and told her all about it, both the old device I had been required to wear and now about the new one. I was grateful that she didn't ask to see it. Then I told her that that was part of what I couldn't tell her about before, that I had to write different papers for Jill before I could get unlocked from the devices to get any kind of sexual relief. She just seemed to smile and blush as I told her. Then she quietly looked down at the floor and said, "I guess I should tell you that I've been going to therapy several times a week."

That surprised me, "What for?" I asked.

"I guess you could say I kind of have a problem with men." Then as I was about to ask what she was talking about, she suddenly got up and I could see she had that troubled look on her face again. She seemed very frustrated. "You don't know how hard it is for me to talk about this, even after all this time."

Now I was really confused. "You don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to," I said.

"No, I feel like I owe it to you to tell you. You've been awfully nice to me, and you don't know how much I appreciate it. And I don't want you to feel like I've been using you – well, in a way I guess I have, but I want to tell you because I really like you, and I want you to keep being my friend."

"Ok," I said, not sure how to answer that.

She paced around on the porch for a few seconds then sat back down next to me and just looked out at the street while she spoke. "It all started with my father," she said. Then she told me all about being beaten and raped by him and how bad it had been for her and her mother. Then just when I thought it was over, she started telling me about being raped in high school. I couldn't believe it. And I thought I had problems! Somewhere during the last part, I realized that there were tears falling down out of her eyes and I reached over and held her close while she talked. She never looked at me, she just stared out into space the whole time. When she was finished, I had a thousand questions I wanted to ask, but I didn't say anything. I just sat holding her next to me and enjoying the crisp cold air of the evening with her in my arms.

Sometime later, she broke the enchantment and kissed me on the cheek. "Now you know a little about why it's easier for me to be around you as a girl than when you're dressed as a boy," she said. "Boys still scare me, a lot! But for some reason seeing you dressed as a girl, I found that I wasn't so scared of you. Then, with all this time that we've spent talking together I found that I really like you – and I know you're a boy, but it's like at the same time, you're not."

I wanted to say something smart-assed like "Thanks a lot!" but I didn't, instead I said, "I like you a lot too. You don't know how much I look forward to talking with you alone out here every evening."

She seemed to like that because she smiled and said, "Me too." Then she laid herself back against me again so I could hold her and snuggled into me. She seemed to be very contented and happy. I know I was.

 

On Thursday, I wore the kaki colored slacks to school and instantly realized how much more comfortable they were to wear. They weren't tight or restricting and the material was a lot softer and felt really nice. I decided I needed more like them. When I asked Jill later that evening if I could get another pair on Saturday, she just smiled at me and said, "If you have enough money left. There are other things you need more. And besides, you can always wear a skirt if you want."

I had been dreading that, but knew that eventually it would be inevitable. I had a feeling that a bra was next on Jill's list for me but I had been fooled last week. This week the topic of my paper was 'Why I Love To Wear Makeup,' so I took the opportunity to ask Jill just what clothing she was planning for me to buy that week.

"I'm not sure yet," she said. "You definitely need some bras, but we'll just have to see." I knew it. I was certain that a bra would be next. Maybe she wouldn't make me stuff anything in it and no one would be able to tell.

 

Thursday night I had just put on a heavy sweater, one of the few male clothing items I still had, before heading out to the front porch to wait for Brenda when my cell phone rang. I was very surprised when I found out it was my mother calling. She didn't usually call on a weeknight.

"Stephen," she began after we had said our hellos. She sounded very tentative. Not like her at all. "I've been so worried about you and your situation and I haven't been able to think about much else. I want you to know that I sat down at least six times in the last few days to write you a letter, hoping to make all this clearer and easier to say, and every time I threw away what I had written. So this will be a very short call for me, and you know how I can talk sometimes."

Sometimes? My mother was a world champion when it came to talking on the phone. "What's up Mom?" I asked her suddenly worried that something major had gone wrong.

"Stephen, you know how much I love you and how much I want to help you with your present problem, but I just don't have a way out for you right now, unless you decide to leave school and come home. I even spent most of Monday morning on the phone talking to officials at your school and couldn't get any help. By the way, it seems that you are doing very well there."

"Thanks," I said still wondering what this was all about.

"Stephen, I've talked this over with most of the family…" Oh great! Not what I need to hear just then. "And we decided that maybe it would be easier for you," she seemed to hesitate for a while then, "if you just tried to dress completely as a girl all the time. There, I've said it!"

"Mom!"

"Now Stephen, this Jill person is making you wear more and more girl's clothing all the time anyway and we all just thought that maybe it would be less embarrassing for you if you tried to look completely like a girl instead of half boy and half girl."

"I know," I said, "that's what Brenda told me too. But it's just not that easy for me. I don't want to be a girl."

"I know you don't sweetie, but it's the only suggestion we have for you right now. How much do you have left in the way of boy's clothes?"

"Not much, a couple of shirts and some sweaters and a pair of sneakers. Oh, and my heavy coat of course. I lost the last of my boys pants last weekend and have been wearing girls pants ever since. And I've only got three pairs of them so unless Miss Jill lets me buy some more this week, I'll probably have to start wearing skirts to school pretty soon."

"Well, as you've just said, it sounds like you're dressing mostly as a girl already."

"Yeah, but it's like I can still try to be as much of a boy as I can. It's just getting harder."

"That's why we're trying to help you. Does she have you wearing any makeup to make you look better?"

"No, fortunately, but I have a feeling it will be coming soon. This week I'm pretty sure she's planning to make me buy some bras, but I can never tell for sure."

"Oh my, but then I guess that's only to be expected though."

"Yeah," I said reluctantly.

"Well, I know that your budget isn't helping you since you can only afford a little bit every week…"

"Isn't helping me? I'm glad it's not more, or I wouldn't have any boy's clothes left."

"Never the less," she said, "I've decided to put an extra hundred and fifty dollars into your account this week in case you need some things. It's not much, but it's all I can afford this week. Maybe next week I can add some more."

"But Mom, Miss Jill will only make me buy more girls stuff!"

"That's what it's for Stephen, so you can try to blend in more and you won't have to be so embarrassed when you go out."

"Well, maybe I can get some more pants anyway."

"That's a good idea. Well, I've said my peace and for once I'm going to hang up early. Bye Stephen, I love you."

"I love you too Mom."

My own mother was now trying to convince me to be a girl! Sheese! I thought about not telling Jill about the extra money, but I know she double checked the amounts in my account to make sure we weren't overspending. In a fog, I headed downstairs to the porch to wait for Brenda.

 

Jill was elated when I told her about the extra money, she practically screamed in delight. "Do you know what this means?" she asked me exceptionally excited, "It means that now we can replace all the rest of your boys clothes so you won't have to wear them anymore! Isn't it wonderful?" I'm glad she didn't wait for an answer before heading for the door saying, "I've got to tell Mel." I'm also glad I didn't tell her about my mother's suggestion that I dress completely as a girl, although it was starting to look like that was coming sooner rather than later. The more I thought about it, the more depressed I got.

On Friday, I made sure to wear a boy's shirt and my favorite sweater to classes. It might be my last chance to wear them for a while. Jill had said that she was going to pick up some newspapers that day to check for the sales so we could make a day of it. I know that Jill loved shopping. I never minded it too much until I left home. Now, I dreaded it.

I had expected Jill to rush us out to the stores early Saturday morning, but she didn't act like she was in any hurry at all. Instead, she spent part of the morning working on me! I had dressed in my last boy's shirt and sweater again, but she made me take them off and put on my pink sweater. I was afraid she would make me wear a bra too, but fortunately she didn't. She did redo my nails again though. Then, while my nails were drying, she took her brush and started messing with my hair. She brushed it this way and that way, never satisfied with what she saw. Finally, she gave up in exasperation and said, "That will just have to do. It's getting there, but I just don't know what to do with it yet." I was afraid to look in the mirror, but I did anyway. Instead of being parted on the side, she had parted it in the middle and then just brushed it sort of straight down all around. The hair in front was too long for regular bangs so it was brushed across my forehead to the side. Since my hair had been getting longer, it hung down halfway across my ears and the little bit of natural curl in it seemed to make it flip up all around. I thought it looked silly, but I dared not say anything.

"Do you have any pantyhose with runs in them?" she asked me.

"Yeah, one pair," I said wondering why she would ask such a thing.

"Good, put them in your purse," she said. "How about any that you're not really fond of?" she asked next.

I made the mistake of saying, "I'm not really fond of any of them." The look she got in her eye warned me that I might be treading on unsafe ground so I said, "But there are a few brands that don't feel as nice as the other ones though."

"Good," she said still with that look in here eye, "Grab a pair of them too." She seemed to be watching me with close scrutiny as I got them out of my drawer and stuffed them in my purse. As soon as I had, her mood seemed to change again. "It's too bad Mel is away this week," she said as she grabbed her purse, "she wanted to go with us and we could have all had a great time." Since the football game was so far away that week, both Bruce and Melissa had left the day before. We wouldn't see them again until late Sunday. I was suddenly glad. Jill was bad enough to go shopping with, both of them would have been horrible.

"I have an idea," she said suddenly. It was one of those times when you could almost see the light bulb going on over her head. "Why don't we ask Sharon and Brenda to go with us? That would be fun."

These shopping trips were total humiliation for me. The last person I really wanted with me was Brenda, mostly because I really liked her. The idea of humiliating myself further in front of her didn't really excite me at all. But it seemed that I wasn't going to have any say in the matter since Jill led the way directly to their room.

Sharon opened the door after Jill knocked and I could see piles of laundry being sorted on both beds. Saturday morning was the day that Sharon and Brenda usually took care of that chore. "Stephanie and I are going shopping and we're planning to make a big day of it," Jill told them. "Why don't you two come along? It'll be fun."

I could see that they both smiled at the suggestion. Brenda was looking straight at me though. I don't know if she was smiling more at Jill's suggestion or just from looking at me.

"Oh goodness, that would be fun, but I can't," Sharon said, "I have something I've go to do later. But Brenda, why don't you go?"

The sudden clouds of fear quickly dropped across Brenda face and she said, "I don't think so."

"Go ahead, Brenda," Sharon said in almost a whisper to her. "You can do it, Jill and Stephanie will be right there with you all the time."

Brenda's eyes were open wide in uncertainty. I could see she was considering it. "Brenda, you can do it!" Sharon said again.

Brenda stood up straight with a look of determination on her face. "Ok," she said tentatively, "I'll go." I could see she was still scared, but she was determined to conquer her fear.

Sharon got up and hugged her. "That a girl. You'll have a great time."

As much as I didn't want her to go, it was almost a personal triumph to see her accept and follow us down the stairs to the car. It was one of the few times she ever went anywhere without Sharon and I knew it was a big step for her. For some reason she had latched onto Sharon as her safety line and consequently the two were never apart. I wondered how Sharon must feel about Brenda being away from her. I was betting that she was probably elated.

Jill drove us out to the outlet mall first. "There's a big sale at the Lingerie Spot," she explained. Oh, great! I knew it.

As we got out of the car and walked toward the store, I mused about what kind of a group we made together, one amazingly vivacious girl, one girl who obviously went out of her way to look plain and not be noticed, and me. And what was I? Did people see three girls, or two girls and an in-between, or was Jill enough that people only noticed her? I kind of hoped for the last option, but deep down, I know that people saw me.

Once inside the store, Jill headed straight for the bra section. I knew she would, but I wasn't happy about it and had steeled myself for it. She looked over lots of bras and asked Brenda about what she thought, while I just stood there and tried to look inconspicuous. Unfortunately, I guess due to the sale, there were a lot of other women there and I was getting lots of smiles from them. Eventually, a saleswoman came up to Jill and asked if she could help her. "We're trying to decide on some bras for him," Jill said and she nodded her head back toward me. I know my face turned red.

"Oh my," the saleswoman said. "Ok, what did you have in mind?"

"Well, we already know that he's going to be a size 34, but we're not sure what cup size for him yet."

"Do you want to try some on him so you can see?"

"That would be great," Jill said thankfully.

The saleswoman took the bras from Jill's hands and quickly looked through them then said, "May I also suggest you have him try some padded bras. They may help his look and shape a bit more than these flimsy ones."

Jill's eyes opened in astonishment. "I hadn't thought of that," she said. That's a great idea. "Let's just put these back and see the padded ones instead." None of it sounded good to me, but just the thought of padding made is sound worse.

The saleswoman led us over to another rack and pointed to several bras that she thought would be good. Jill grabbed every one. Then we were led over to one of the changing rooms in the back. The room was small, but big enough for all four of us to squeeze in there. I don't think that Jill had any intention of not going in with me, and neither did the saleswoman. I'm pretty sure that Brenda came in just so she wouldn't be left outside alone.

It was crowded inside and when I was told to pull my sweater off, I had to struggle around all of them to get it off. "This is the 'A' cup one," the saleswoman said as she pulled the first bra over my arms and shoulders and fastened it in the back then adjusted the straps. Jill had me pull those two pair of pantyhose out of my purse and she stuffed them into the bra cups. As usual, I felt stupid. The pantyhose didn't seem to fit in too well and bulged out the sides.

"I don't think the cups are going to be big enough," Jill said. "Let's try the next one." Not big enough? They looked plenty big to me.

After the 'B' cup bra was put on me and the pantyhose were again stuffed inside, Jill seemed much more pleased. She had me put my sweater back on again so she could see the affect. "That's much better," she said. "Much more like I want. Let's try the 'C' cup now."

So the process was repeated, now with an even bigger cup. With my sweater on, Jill seemed to be very pleased. That was when Brenda finally piped up to add her opinion. "I think I kind of liked how he looked better with the 'B' cup," she said. "For some reason, the size seemed to look more normal for him."

"He did look good with the 'B' cup," Jill said, but the 'C' cup is much more noticeable."

"Do you want him to look more noticeable, or normal?" Brenda asked. "Besides, the 'B' cup may be easier for him to get used to."

"That's true," Jill said almost disappointedly. "Tell you what," she said turning to the sales woman, "well take four in the 'B' cup and one in the 'C' cup. Brenda, will you help me pick some different colors?"

"Of course," Brenda said happily.

As soon as the saleswoman had taken that bra off of me, Jill spoke up again. "Can he wear one of them out of the store?"

"Of course," the saleswoman said. "Is this 'B' cup acceptable?"

"It's great," Jill said happily. A few seconds later, I found myself once again in the 'B' cup bra with the pantyhose stuffed inside of it.

Once my sweater was on again, we all piled out of that tiny room. I was glad to be out - and I wasn't. With all those people in there, it had been getting really hot and hard to breath, but now, I was walking around in public with two big breasts sticking out of my chest. I hadn't been able to look at myself in the mirror in the dressing room since Brenda had been standing in front of it. I didn't see any mirrors around me so I just looked down instead. If I stood straight up, I could no longer see my feet. All I could see were two gently rounded mounds protruding from my chest. Once again I felt like hiding.

Brenda walked over to me and gave me a quick hug. "You look good," she said simply.

Jill and Brenda picked out a black, a tan, and a red bra for me. I was already wearing a white one. The 'C' cup bra that Jill picked was also red. Yuck!

As I walked out of the store, I noticed that my arms occasionally brushed against my new breasts. It was like a constant reminder that they were there. Just something else I would have to get used to I guessed.

Our next stop was a few doors away at the shoe outlet. I was supposed to be looking for a really girly pair of sneakers while Jill and Brenda looked for themselves, but instead, I just hung around them. Jill was trying on pair after pair in different styles while Brenda was looking carefully at some very non-descript work shoes. "Brenda," Jill finally said to her why don't you try something a bit more feminine?"

Brenda seemed to think about it, then she just shook her head and said, "No, not this time."

In the end, Brenda didn't buy anything, but Jill bought two pair. Then she turned to me. "Well?" she asked, "did you find anything?"

"No," I said, "I didn't really look. I just enjoyed watching both of you."

"That's not what you were supposed to be doing," Jill said sternly. Then she led me back to the athletic shoes and started to look through them herself. "Sit down and take your shoes off," she told me. "I'll pick out a pair for you." Suddenly I was wishing I had found a pair for myself. Jill came back a few minutes later and handed me a box with completely pink sneakers in it. I couldn't imagine a pair that could look more girly than those. Bending down to put them on was a whole new reminder for me of the new breasts I now had since I felt like I had to almost fight past them to tie the shoes. I'm glad they didn't make me wear the 'C' cup. The shoes fit fine and maybe were even a bit big, but Jill said it would allow me room to wear socks with them. That was a happy thought.

I had just gotten them off my feet and was about to put my old shoes back on when Jill suddenly stopped me. "Wait a minute Stephanie. Look, they're having a sale on their boots." I walked over to look at them in my stocking feet. "I think you should try some on," she said to me. "They'd look good with a lot of your outfits and they'd also be a lot warmer in the winter."

Warmer in the winter sounded really good and I really did need another pair of shoes, but every pair of boots I saw had really high heels and I wasn't exactly fond of that idea. "Which ones," I said not exactly enthusiastically and knowing that Jill was going to insist I buy something.

"You pick," Jill said to me. "After all, you have to wear them."

That's when Brenda surprised me by suddenly getting very interested in clothes. "Oh," she said picking up a gray pair with a wide leather fringe around the top and exceptionally high and pointed heels, "these are really cute!"

"Aren't they," Jill agreed touching the fringe on one of them. "I just love them. I wish I hadn't already bought what I did or I'd buy these instead. Brenda, why don't you try them?"

Brenda seemed to think about it for a second then said, "No, not this time. I'm just not ready for heels yet." And they thought I was?

I wasn't exactly sure I wanted anything with a heel like that so I quickly picked up a dark brown pair that looked a lot plainer and at least had a slightly smaller heel. "How about these?" I asked showing them the ones I had picked.

"Sure," said Jill, "try them on."

So I found a box with my size, sat down, pulled my pants leg up over my knees, pulled the right boot on and zipped it up. The boot was contoured to fit the shape of a woman's leg and it hugged my leg firmly. While I was doing it, Jill came back and placed another box next to me. I stood up to see how the boot felt and instantly noticed how much higher that heel was than what I was used to wearing. "Put the other one on too," said Jill. So I pulled the other boot on too. "Walk around a bit," Jill suggested. Walking was manageable, but definitely a lot more difficult. All my weight was now being pushed against the balls of my feet. "How do they feel?" Jill asked.

What could I say? "I guess they fit Ok," I said, "but I'm worried that the heel may be too high for me."

"You'll get used to them," Brenda said almost kindly, "you just need to wear them a bit." And this was from a girl who had just proclaimed that she wasn't ready for heels yet. "Try these other ones on too," she said.

The other pair they had picked out for me naturally turned out to be the grey ones that they both liked so much. As soon as I stood up in them, I noticed the difference in the heel height. I hadn't even tried to take a step in them yet when Brenda said, "They look wonderful, don't they?"

"They do!" Jill agreed.

I took a few steps over to one of those small mirrors near the floor to look. All I could see were my legs from the knees down. They looked like women's legs since all I could see were the boots. I tried walking around in those boots a bit but I just couldn't seem to figure out how to do it comfortably. My foot was already bent so I was standing on my toes and that narrow heel made me very uncertain about my balance. I knew they both really wanted me to buy those boots, but I was just having so much trouble with them. "I don't know," I finally said. "I just don't think I can manage with these. Can I try the other ones again?"

"Sure," said Jill almost surprised. "They're going to be yours after all."

As soon as I put the first pair back on and stood up in them, I noticed how much easier they were to just stand up in, despite the fact that they had a really high heel too. I again walked over to the mirror to look, and again, all I saw were a pair of women's legs looking back at me. That was when I suddenly heard Brenda laugh in delight. When I turned to look, she was standing up next to Jill wearing the other pair of boots. The look of delight on her face was totally precious. I just stood there and watched as she and Jill hugged each other. Then she came over next to me to look at herself in the mirror too. She seemed to be really happy. I couldn't stop watching her face. I would give anything to see that look on her face all the time. It positively beamed!

"Buy them!" Jill urged her. Brenda really looked like she was going to give in and do it, but in the end, she declined. She looked sad as she sat back down and took them off. "No, not yet," she said almost sadly. "Not yet." I could see that she looked sad, but she just wasn't ready to conquer her fears yet. For some reason, I felt defeated for her.

"Would you like me to buy them?" I asked without thinking. "That way, you could borrow them whenever you want." Jill looked at me with surprise in her eyes.

"No," Brenda answered, "you seem to be better off with the ones you have on instead. Someday…" Then she looked up at me with laughter in her eyes again, "But it looks like we wear the same shoe size anyway." Then she laughed. Why did my heart swell?

As soon as I put my old shoes back on again I almost breathed a sigh in relief. The heels felt almost perfectly flat to me and I promised myself I'd never complain about them again. I bought the dark brown boots despite that fact that I kept telling them I didn't think I could walk very well in them. They both kept telling me that I just needed time.

After that, instead of wandering around the rest of the outlet stores, Jill said she wanted to go out to the mall instead. I got the impression that Brenda was a bit nervous about that, but she didn't say anything. When I put my seatbelt on in the car I suddenly found another problem with my breasts, where do you put the strap? In then end, I found that it really had to go between my breasts which only accented them all that much more.

I had never been to this mall before but I knew it was supposed to be absolutely huge. Because of the way I had to dress, I was always nervous being in public with a lot of people and I mentioned it as we got out of the car. Jill just said that hopefully I wouldn't feel so nervous after today. I had no idea what she meant by that.

Jill had parked close to one of the major department stores and that's where she led us straight inside. I had thought she was going all the way through to the mall itself, but she changed direction just as we could see it and instead led us straight over to one of the makeup counters. I had already been nervous about going out into the mall, but now the closer I got to the makeup, the more I felt sick to my stomach.

There was only one girl at this makeup counter and as soon as Jill walked up she asked her if she could help. I couldn't see it, but I was betting that Jill had one of those really wicked smiles on her face as she said, "We need a new look for him," then as she had done earlier in the day, she nodded her head towards me.

God I felt embarrassed standing there watching that young woman's face go through so many stages of shock and embarrassment, then finally compose itself with a big smile as she simply said, "Sure!"

I was practically whimpering inside as I sat down on the stool for her to look at me. She spoke mostly to Jill and a little bit to Brenda as she talked about needing a good foundation and about colors and lighting and who knows what else. I was so nervous and with my lack of experience I didn't have much of an idea about what she was talking about anyway. Then she went back behind the counter and started setting out product after product on the counter in front of me. The first touch of the liquid makeup on her finger against my face was like a small electric shock. It felt cold to start, then as she spread it over my face, it felt more and more like paint covering my skin, as if I were a kid having my face painted at a carnival. I started to feel like the temperature had just risen 10 degrees. After the foundation, she started talking to Jill about my eyebrows and the next thing I knew she had gone around the counter and came back with some tweezers and was pulling a few "stray" hairs out of them. Ouch! Fortunately, she didn't pull too many. Then she was talking about colors and blending and accenting, all seemingly at the same time. I really didn't like it when she put the eye liner around my eyelids. It almost hurt but I just sat quietly afraid that if I said something she might slip and really hurt me. The mascara was only a little less worrisome. Then it was colors, colors, and more colors. They talked about shades for my eyes, my skin tones, and my lips, all as she was putting different products on me. A few times, she'd put one thing on, then wipe it off and put something else on instead as she showed Jill and Brenda the different affects. The only good thing about the whole experience was that with the three of them crowded around me, I felt like nobody else could see me there on that stool.

It felt like I had sat there for an eternity as they did this and that and kept changing things on me. My backside was getting numb by the time Jill finally said "What do you think?" That was when I realized that they wanted me to look at myself in the mirror next to me. I had been spared that problem before, but now I had to face it directly. When I turned to look, I saw someone else staring back at me. It was sort of me, but very different. The makeup wasn't bold and didn't seem to stand out at all. It all looked very natural – for a girl. I think I sort of looked good! It was a very odd feeling. There were so many mixed emotions running through me that I didn't know what to say, I just kept looking at myself. "Well?" Jill asked again breaking me out of me fog.

I turned to look at them, and my mouth opened, but I just didn't know what to say. I hated it, but it did make me look much more like a girl and I would probably blend in better. As I stood there with my mouth still open searching for words, Brenda came over and rescued me. She gave me a hug then said, "Stephanie, you look beautiful."

In a way, it was really very comforting, but it was also not exactly what I wanted to hear. All I could do was smile at her and say thanks. When I did, her face lit up and she said, "You need to smile more. It makes you look so much better." I wanted to say the same thing to her, but I didn't.

Most of the makeup that had been put on me was from "collections" and I wound up "having" to buy one of them, along with several jars of foundation, another lipstick, and two different "matching" nail polishes. The lipstick that matched what I was wearing went right into my purse. Jill made sure of that!

It was strange walking out into the crowded mall after that. I thought about my musings earlier when I wondered how people saw the three of us. Did they see me as a girl now? I really didn't know. "Stephanie, stand up straight," I heard Brenda say to me suddenly as we walked. "You're all hunched over and looking at the ground."

"Why," I asked. "I always walk this way."

"Because girls don't carry themselves like that," she said.

"But if I stand up straight, it'll make my breasts stick out more," I replied.

"Yeah, it will," she said, "and that's part of the whole idea. Girls are proud of what they have." When she saw the reluctance on my face she stopped Jill and led us into the closest store to find a mirror. Jill followed looking confused.

Brenda stood me in front of the mirror and said, "Look at yourself. You're not a boy anymore. You may want to be, but that's not how you're dressed. You may not want to be a girl, but that's what you are now. And unless you start to act like one, people are going to notice that you're not. And that's going to embarrass you even more."

As I stared at my full reflection in the mirror, that's what I saw – a girl. But underneath, I also saw a boy, both at the same time. That's what other people saw too and I was sure of that. That's why I was always so embarrassed. "But I don't want to be a girl… and… I don't know how to be a girl," I said almost reluctantly.

Brenda came over and stood next to me staring at our reflections in the mirror. "I know. We'll take it just a little bit at a time." Then she added, "Maybe for both of us."

We stood there for a few seconds like that, just looking at ourselves - two girls. Then she said with a lot more authority, "Now stand up straight. Now lift you head up. That's better. Now smile." Suddenly, I saw less of the boy me staring back in the mirror and a lot more of Stephanie there. I turned and looked at Brenda. She was smiling at me.

Jill had remained silent through the whole thing and had just watched us from a distance. She didn't say anything, but she had a huge smile on her face as the three of us walked back out into the mall. I tried very hard to stand straight and smile, but it wasn't easy. Looking up, I saw a lot more people looking at me, and now I was looking back at them. Did they see me as a girl, or as a boy? Were they laughing at me? I still didn't know. I only knew that a lot of people saw me. I tried so hard to look confident, but underneath I was terrified.

We stopped and had a salad at the food court. I really wanted pizza, but since both Jill and Brenda opted for the salads, I figured I had better blend in. Afterwards, Jill had me fish my new lipstick out of my purse and she handed me her small mirror so I could "fix my lips." I heard Brenda giggle as she watched me awkwardly trying to apply the shiny pink color to my lips. When I was finished, I looked up at her and suddenly giggled a little bit too. "I don't think I'm very good at it yet," I said more as something to say rather than just sitting there.

"You'll get used to it." Jill said smiling at me too.

"It looks fine," Brenda said to me. Then she said, "I need the ladies room."

"Good idea," said Jill.

I had to go, but I wasn't too sure I wanted to use a public rest room just then. "I'll just wait here," I said to them.

Brenda had already gotten up from her chair and had slung her purse over her arm. She looked at me for a second then grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the chair and just said, "Come on," in a very exasperated way. And with that I was led, or dragged into the ladies room. Luckily it wasn't too crowded. I knew that frequently women had to stand in long lines. I just went in with them, did my business, then waited by the door with Brenda while Jill adjusted her hair in the mirror. It was my first time ever in a ladies room, but I had a feeling it wouldn't be my last.

The three of us headed back out into the crowded mall to shop. I was still trying my best to stand straight and look up. Smiling was out of the question. That's when it happened.

We were just passing by the game arcade when a group of boys walked out. They all looked like high school kids. They all looked dirty and rough. "Hey, look what we have here," one of them said heading towards us. "How about a little fun?"

Brenda was suddenly gripping my arm so tightly it hurt. I could hear her whimpering and I knew she was terrified. Before I could do anything, Jill who had never stopped walking and had hardly bothered to even look at them just said, "Flake off!" and led us without stopping straight into the clothing boutique two doors away. The boys fortunately didn't follow us in. I guess as a boy, I wouldn't have entered that store either.

Jill, never stopping, led us straight towards the back of the store where we couldn't be seen from the outside. There was a chair there and suddenly, she was pulling Brenda off my arm and sitting her down. Brenda was crying softly. Jill pulled a tissue out of her purse and handed it to her. Then she stooped down and just held her for a few minutes trying to comfort her.

I just stood there and watched helplessly. I didn't know what to do to help. I felt so bad for Brenda, she had been having such a good day. One of the sales women came over and asked if she was alright. "She just needs a few minutes," Jill said to her, "she's had a bit of a scare." The saleswoman just stood around watching. Fortunately, she never looked closely at me.

Brenda finally stopped crying after a few minutes and looked up at me. Her eyes were red and her face was almost white. "Let's go home," Jill said to her. Brenda just nodded and stood up slowly. Together, the three of us headed back out into the mall. Jill and I each held Brenda between us to protect her. I felt like we were leading an invalid. All the way back downstairs to the level we came in on, back towards the store where I had had my makeup done.

We were almost back to the store when Brenda suddenly shrugged us off and just stopped. We both just looked at her questioningly. She looked straight ahead for a few seconds, then she looked up at me and again just stared. There was an odd look on her face. She turned looking around as if searching for something. "Brenda, what is it?" Jill asked her.

Brenda didn't answer exactly. Instead she grabbed my arm and said to both of us, "Come on." And with that she led us straight into another trendy clothing boutique. Now I was really confused. Never letting go of my arm, she led me straight over to another full length mirror and stood me in front of it, then she stood next to me and just stared at our reflection again never saying a word.

Jill finally came up behind her and said, "Brenda?"

"I'm tired of being scared," she said simply. "I'm tired of hiding. But I'm also tired of being hurt. I just don't know what to do. And I am scared…so scared."

"Brenda, I know you're scared. And heaven knows you've got good reason to be scared. But life does go on - with you, or without you. I don't blame you for hiding. I probably would have done the same thing myself. But the whole world is still out there, and hiding or not, you're still part of it. And wouldn't it be better to face and enjoy the world than simply hiding away in it? The world is always going to be scary Brenda, but eventually, we have to learn sometime to deal with it, and still try to live a little."

Brenda never stopped staring at our reflection together and just stood there for a few moments never saying anything. "I know you're right," she finally said. "It's just a lot harder than you think."

"I know," Jill said, "but sometimes we still have to dig deep down and find that courage."

Brenda finally turned her head and looked at Jill. She just stared at her, then she must have smiled because I saw Jill suddenly smile back at her. "I'm being silly," Brenda said. "I'm sorry."

"You're not being silly!" Jill told her. "Brenda, we just want to help."

"I know," Brenda said. Then she looked up and simply said. "Let's go home now." Jill and I both assumed our prior positions on each side of her, but she stopped us saying, "No, I'm OK." And with that, she was the one who seemed to be leading the way back to the car.

We were on the highway heading home when Brenda suddenly broke the silence by saying, "Isn't there a bunch of stores like Stein Mart and Ross at the next exit?"

"Yes," Jill answered obviously surprised.

"Can we go there?"

Now it was obvious that Jill was surprised because she looked over at Brenda, smiled and enthusiastically said "You bet!"

Ross had lots of women's clothes and lots of cheap prices. After we had just walked around and looked for a bit, Brenda said, "I really could use a new sweater. Jill, would you help me find one?"

"Sure," Jill answered, "I'd be happy to." Then Jill looked at me and said, "Leave us for a bit and go shop, would you?"

I didn't know why, but it seemed like Jill wanted to talk to Brenda alone so I asked a bit confused, "Shop for what?"

Jill looked almost mad. "Blouses, sweaters, skirts…you need girly things. Now go! Shop!"

So I left them – reluctantly I might add, and started looking around at what was there. I had picked out two blouses and a sweater and was looking at some slacks that I thought might be comfortable when they came and found me. "How are you doing?" Jill asked me.

Brenda seemed to be calm and was actually smiling again. She was holding a new sweater in her hands that looked very pretty. "Fine, I think," I answered. I showed Jill what I had found. She liked one of the blouses and the sweater, but she suggested that I try on the other blouse because she thought it might be too small with my new breasts. It turned out that she was right. When I tried to button it, it was way too tight. Unfortunately, Jill found another blouse she thought would look "cute" on me. It was very form fitting and although it buttoned all the way up and wasn't exactly low cut, I think it was designed just to show off that I had breasts.

I wanted to find another pair of comfortable slacks and I thought that Jill wouldn't mind, but she decided I needed another skirt instead. She actually looked at some dresses for me, but they were a bit too pricy for the amount of money I had left. Instead, she and Brenda picked out a floral cotton skirt for me that they seemed to think would look cute on me. When I tired it on, they both said it looked great. I would have rather had some slacks.

As we were heading out of the parking lot to go home, I noticed that marquee for the move theater there was still showing one of the really popular films. "I can't wait till that comes out on video," I said.

"Me too," Brenda said. "It's supposed to be really good."

"Why should you wait?" Jill asked. "Why don't you just go see it?"

"I don't go to movies anymore," Brenda answered her.

"Not even with Sharon?" Jill asked.

"No, I just don't go," Brenda answered almost sadly.

For the life of me, I'll never know why it popped into my head and I'll never know why I said it. It just came out of my mouth. "Would you like to go with me this weekend?" I was so surprised I had said that. Jill must have been surprised too because she almost swerved off the road.

Brenda looked at me for a few seconds. I knew she wouldn't go so I was starting to feel safer about asking. But she surprised me. "Sure," she said, "just not today. Tomorrow night would be better. I think I've had enough today." I think her answer not only surprised me, but it surprised Jill - and Brenda herself.

"Great," I said surprised. "We'll go tomorrow night." Brenda just sat quietly staring at nothing after that. Was that fear on her face, or happiness. I couldn't tell.

We all sat quietly for a few minutes while Jill drove. Then, Jill broke the silence by proclaiming that she had some new rules for me. Oh great!

"First of all," she started, "no more boys clothes at all. Since we're going to get the last of them as soon as we get home, that shouldn't even have to be mentioned." I wished she hadn't mentioned it. Just her saying it was like a stab wound to my heart. I felt like I was about to enter a new era in my life.

"Secondly, I want you to wear skirts at least three days a week. And at least two of them have to be to school. And that goes for your new boots too. I want you to get used to wearing them, so at least three days a week and at least two times to school too. Oh, and if you want, you can wear your new sneakers once in a while too.

"Third, from now on, you're never to get dressed without a bra. And your bras have to be completely filled so they look right.

"Next, I don't ever want you to leave the house without makeup on. And I suggest you carry some with you in your purse in case you need it.

"And lastly, you've got enough clothes now so that you don't have to wear the same things over and over again. So from now on, you wear a different outfit every day.

"Got that? Skirts, heels, bras, makeup, and different clothes."

What could I say? I felt like every word she spoke was ripping more and more of my old life away. "Yeah," I said simply and a bit dejected. To be honest, I really had figured most of it. But hearing it put into rules made it that much worse. When I looked over at Brenda, she was still staring at nothing, but I thought there was a hint of a smile on her face.

As I sat there thinking about it all, I realized that now I had to plan in advance what I was going wear each day. Then another thought struck me. "What am I going to wear to the movies tomorrow?" I hadn't planned on saying it allowed, the surprise and shock must have just made it come out. I was instantly embarrassed about it.

Jill just laughed, "Oh… if you like, I'm sure I can find something 'really' good for you to wear." I knew she was just teasing – I hoped.

Brenda laughed and said teasingly, "You could always wear that mini skirt you told me you had to wear to the library a few weeks ago."

"Yeah!" said Jill. "That's a great idea. It looked so cute on you."

"I'll bet it did," Brenda teased.

"Ah, that's alright," I said trying to get some say and control back in the situation. I knew they were teasing, but you never know where that could lead. "I'll come up with something." For some reason the mood seemed a lot lighter in the car the rest of the way home.

 

Mom called again that night like she often did on Saturdays. For once, she seemed to be more interested in everything about me and what I had to say instead of just passing on her gossip. I told her about having no boy's clothes left anymore and about how I felt like I had lost a major part of me as I watched the last of them being locked away. I felt like I was entering a new era in my life and it scared me. I told her about my new rules and about how I had a feeling that planning a different outfit for everyday was going to be a pain. I also told her about my plans to go to the movie with Brenda. That seemed to surprise her, and for some reason she seemed particularly interested. I had mentioned Brenda a few times to her and she always wanted to know more about her. I told her a little, but really not much.

 

On Sunday, I wore my new skirt with the fitted blouse and my new boots. I figured that I had rather be seen as I now was by my friends in the study group first. Kind of like breaking myself in I guess. I clomped around the house all day in those boots to get used to them and nearly broke my neck a few times. The longer I wore them, the more I found myself putting my feet up to rest my poor toes.

An hour before I was planning to leave for the study group, I started working on my makeup. I tired, that's all I can say. It certainly didn't look as good as what had been done to me in the store. I asked Jill to help me and she did. She told me I did pretty good for my first time. I also asked her to work on my hair again. I figured I might as well at least try to look more like a girl. Jill seemed to be pleased about that.

I was the first to arrive for the study session and I was putting some notes up on the board when Courtney and Diane walked in. "Stephanie, you're wearing a skirt again." I heard Courtney say behind my back.

I turned around and blushed. "Do I look Ok?" I asked them moving to stand where they could see all of me.

They both seemed to stop dead in their tracks when they saw me from the front. "Stephanie, you look great." Courtney finally said.

Diane seemed to be even more in shock. "Geez! You look so different. I can't believe it."

"But do I look Ok?" I asked again just to be sure.

"Definitely!" they both said together, then laughed. For some reason I seemed to feel a lot better.

There were two more kids that joined us that day. Our little group was still growing. Everyone's initial reaction to me seemed to be very favorable. I realized that I was beginning to feel more like a girl. I didn't know if that was good or bad.

After the study session, Courtney and Diane asked if I wanted to get something to eat with them, but I declined and told them I had a date. I probably shouldn't have done that. Diane immediately wanted to know if it was with a boy or a girl. When I told them it was with a girl Diane said, "Then it's not really a date is it?"

"No, I guess not," I replied. "I'm just going to see a movie with her." The boy side of me was still trying desperately to get out. It had been so long since I had a date with a girl that that's naturally how I thought about it. I still wondered, was it a date, or wasn't it? Deep down inside, I desperately wanted it to be. I really liked Brenda.

As I walked home, I had another silly thought. Brenda had teased me about wearing that mini skirt. Did I dare? Every fiber of my being really hated and dreaded that idea… well, almost every fiber, the thought had crossed my mind after all. I hated the thought of wearing skirts, but I was out in public right then in a skirt. Granted the skirt I was wearing was a lot longer and with the flounced hem (as Jill had called it) it came down about to my knees. But there was just something that seemed to be a lot more humiliating about the thought of a mini skirt – especially that mini skirt. With a little shudder, I banished the thought from my mind.

Jill wasn't home when I got there… which was nothing new. I realized that I wasn't the least bit hungry so I just went up to my room to study some more. Mostly though, I just looked at the book and thought about going out in public again dressed totally as a girl. This time it would be in a skirt. This time, it wasn't going to be around any friends at school or people who knew me. Even though Brenda was going to be with me, I felt like this time I would be venturing out on my own, and it scared me. I got up to look at myself in the full length mirror. Did I look enough like a girl to fool everyone? I didn't think so. My hair seemed to be all wrong and despite my makeup, I still thought I looked like a boy. Was what I was wearing appropriate? I hoped so. Diane and Courtney had seemed to react favorably earlier, but would everyone else? I was scared, and I knew it. Maybe this was a little like what Brenda felt, why she tried to dress so that no one would notice her. I wished that I could.

As I was standing there critically looking at myself, the door suddenly opened and Jill walked in and caught me. I wasn't really doing anything wrong, but I was embarrassed about it anyway. Actually, Jill just smiled really big when she saw what I was doing. "Do I look Ok?" I asked her.

"You look just fine," she answered smiling.

"Is what I have on appropriate?" I asked still not sure.

"Of course it is," she said.

Then I said it. I don't even know why I did, but I said it anyway. "Do you think that Brenda really wanted to see me in that mini skirt?"

I could tell she was surprised, but she just smiled at me and said, "I'll bet she does. Here why don't you at least try it on to look?" And with that, she turned and dug the skirt out of her closet and handed it to me.

Just touching that skirt as I grabbed it from her sent an electric thrill through me – and a feeling of dread deep within my stomach. Why was I even considering this? I really didn't want to wear it. It was a stupid idea. But I put the skirt on anyway and again looked at myself in the mirror. The last time I had worn it, I had never looked at my reflection, I had simply felt humiliated and terribly exposed. Now as I looked at myself, I could see just how short that skirt really was, and just how exposed I really was. The boots helped to hide a lot of my legs, but only from the knees down. The more I looked at that skirt and my legs sticking out from under it, the more scared I felt. That twisting pain in my stomach was awful.

I decided I couldn't wear it and had turned to tell Jill that, but instead she said the skirt looked adorable on me and pulled me over to her desk chair and told me to sit down. I wanted to tell her I couldn't wear that skirt but I was suddenly too busy sitting perfectly still as she redid my makeup for me. Then she surprised me by taking off my earrings and pulling out a pair of gold hoops from her jewelry box. "I think you're ready for these now," she said as she put them on my ears. As I turned to look at myself in the small mirror on the back of her desk, I could feel them on my ears. They were heavier than the pink studs I had been wearing and felt really strange as they moved.

Jill pulled me over to look in the big mirror again and said, "Now don't you look great?"

"Miss Jill, I just don't think I can wear this skirt," I said immediately.

"Of course you can," she said, "don't give it another thought." Then she picked up my purse and handed it to me and practically pushed me toward the door.

Just as she was about to open it for me, she stopped with a very serious look on her face. "Stephanie, don't be a boy tonight."

"Be a boy? With the way I'm dressed?"

"That's not what I mean. Brenda's taking a big step tonight and she still can't handle boys."

"But I don't look much like a boy right now," I said.

"No, what I mean is… don't act like a boy."

"Huh?"

"Don't offer to buy her ticket for her. Don't offer to buy her any snacks. Don't hold any doors for her. Don't even try to hold her hand. Don't do anything that a boy might do out on a date!"

"But I want to do some of those things. I like her."

"I know, but those are typical things a boy would do, and they will probably make her very uncomfortable right now. You need to behave like two girls going out together, so be a girl!"

I just looked at her for a second then said softly, "I'll try."

"Good," she said.

The boy part of me really wanted to be a boy and treat her like a girl. I had wanted this to be a date, now Jill had told me it couldn't be. I felt like something else was being ripped away from me, I just didn't know what.

Jill opened the door for me and taking that first big step out into the hallway felt like a huge momentous event. Stupid I know, but it felt that way. I walked over to Brenda's room and knocked on the door. I realized the action was a lot like a boy arriving to pick up his girl for a date, but I couldn't think of any other way to go about it. I filed the feeling under 'small pleasure of being a boy' to be remembered and savored later.

Sharon opened the door with a huge smile on her face. I think her eyes went a bit wider when she saw me, but all she said was "Hi Stephanie."

Then she opened the door wide and I saw Brenda. What a shock! She wasn't dressed like her old drab invisible self. She was wearing a really nice pair of blue slacks and the sweater she had bought the day before. Instead of her drab work shoes she usually had on her feet, she was wearing what looked like low heeled loafers with a small silver decoration on them. And she was wearing makeup. Not a lot, but I couldn't help but notice. She looked great. "Brenda," I said. "Look at you!"

It turned out to be funny because at the exact same time I said that, she almost screamed in delight, "Stephanie, look at you!"

Sharon laughed, and I heard Jill sniggering behind me, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Brenda. "Brenda, you look great." I said unable to not say anything else.

She in turn said, "Stephanie, you wore the mini skirt!" For once, we were both more interested in how the other person looked than in ourselves. Then reality seemed to slam in on us and she looked a bit uncertain. "Do I really look Ok?" she asked me. "I don't want to be too noticeable, just look a bit more…feminine."

"Brenda," I said, "you look excellent. And don't worry about how you look, it's definitely understated, but definitely feminine." That seemed to please her and make her feel a bit better. But now it was my turn. I was worried about that mini skirt anyway and didn't want to wear it. "Do I look Ok?" I asked her next. "I'm really nervous about wearing this skirt."

She walked up to me and said, "You look very nice, and that skirt looks cute on you." Then she picked up her purse and as she was walking past me said, "I knew it would."

"I still think it would look cuter on you," I said as I followed her down the stairs and out to my car.

The mood seemed to stay with her as I drove us all the way out to the movie. I could tell though that the closer we got, the harder she was trying. It was dark out by the time we got there and parked the car, but those parking lot lights seemed awfully bright to me. It's amazing just how self conscious you can feel walking across a lighted parking lot wearing a mini skirt. I wanted to hold Brenda's hand very badly. Not just because she was a girl, but more for moral support for me.

Just as Jill had suggested, I didn't offer to buy Brenda's ticket, but I did go first to buy mine. I think it was my voice that really gave me away when I requested the ticket because the girl behind the counter did a double take and stared at me intently before taking my money. Brenda was right behind me and barely whispered when she asked for hers. She had to repeat her request twice before the girl could understand her. All the time we were standing there, I kept wanting things to go faster so we could get into the darkness of the theater where I couldn't be seen.

The lights on the inside were much worse. There weren't a lot of people, but that just seemed to make matters that much worse because the people that were there couldn't help but to notice everybody else. The smell of the popcorn made me realize that I was hungry, but stopping to get some would have meant standing out in that lobby that much longer. I just hoped that Brenda wouldn't want any. She was staying awfully silent, but then I guess so was I.

There was a guy on the inside taking tickets and as we handed him ours, he told us what door to go into for our movie. I realized that the whole time he was taking care of us, he never once looked at our faces, instead he was staring down at my skirt and legs the whole time. As we walked down the hallway away from him, Brenda turned to look back at him and so did I. He was still staring at me. "I told you you look cute in that skirt," Brenda teased as we went into the theater. I know how tense she had seemed to be but now she suddenly seemed to be feeling much better.

The great thing about movies is that they're shown in the dark. The great thing about that movie was that we both thoroughly enjoyed it. It took Brenda a little while, but I think the fact that the guy who took our tickets was more interested in me than in her seemed to put her more at ease. When it was over, we were pretty much forced to join the crowd as everybody exited the building together. We were all so closely packed that I wasn't worried about anybody looking at my skirt. As soon as we got to the parking lot, Brenda started walking really fast to the car. I didn't need any encouragement either and we were both running before we got there. Well, I did my best imitation of running while wearing those boots. As soon as the doors were locked and the car was started Brenda looked at me and suddenly laughed. "We did it!"

"Yeah," I said smiling. "I feel like it was a major achievement for me too."

As we drove out of the parking lot she said, "I'm hungry. I didn't get any dinner tonight. Can we stop and get a hamburger?"

"Sure," I said. "I didn't eat either. I was too worried about going out tonight in a skirt." Then I thought about having to get out of the car again. "Ah, do you mind if we just go through a drive-thru? I'm still a bit shy about being seen like this."

"No," she said, "actually, that's how I always do it."

There was Burger King not far from the movie and as I pulled into the drive-thru line, Brenda suddenly turned to me and said, "Please, can we go inside? This has been a good weekend for me so far and I'd really like try to do this too. It would be so nice to live like a normal person for a change." Live like a normal person? I would love that too! But I didn't say that to her. I dreaded the thought of getting out of the car in public again, but she had asked so I said, "Sure."

Inside, we had to stand in line behind about five other people. I know some of them were staring at me, but no one said anything to me. I wondered again if they saw me as a girl or a guy. Brenda ordered first and paid for hers, then it was my turn. Again, as I spoke, the girl taking my order seemed to do a double take and stare at me. But she took my money and didn't say anything else to me. A minute later I saw her whispering to another girl behind the counter and soon there were several of the looking at me. Talk about feeling very uncomfortable!

We had to wait quite a while for our food and the entire time we stood there I wanted to scream. People kept looking at me and I had nowhere to go except to stand there while we waited. The longer it went on, the more self conscious I was about the way I was dressed. My toes hurt from wearing those boots all day and I was fidgeting and trying to shift my weight from one foot to the next to get relief. How did girls manage it?

Brenda's order finally came up and she picked up her tray and headed for a table in the dining area. That left me feeling very alone as I stood there waiting. As soon as my number was called I was grateful, but instantly I realized that suddenly everybody around was looking at me as I walked over and picked up my tray. I wanted to die of embarrassment. I didn't stop to get any napkins or a straw for my drink. I felt like crying as I carried my tray out to find Brenda.

As I sat down, Brenda saw the look on my face and asked what was wrong. "Everybody's staring at me," I said. "It's awful."

Brenda looked around for a minute then said, "I'm sorry. There are a few people looking at you. I wanted to do this for me, and I wasn't thinking about you. Do you want to leave?"

"No," I said, "we're here now, let's just try to eat quickly." I realized that I wasn't hungry anymore. I managed to eat half of my hamburger and some of my fries, but that's all I could get down. Brenda seemed to be sad for me. Maybe that was a good thing and took her mind off of herself. I hoped so for her sake. I wanted to think that at least one of us was having a good experience out of this. When I finished, Brenda let me borrow her napkin to wipe my mouth. I noticed when I did that a lot of my lipstick came off in the napkin. Oh great, I thought, I smeared my lipstick.

Brenda giggled a bit when she saw what I had done. "You're going to have to learn to do that a bit differently too," she said. "Are you going to fix it?" I started to reach into my purse for my lipstick but she put her hand on my arm and stopped me. "I was just kidding," she said kindly. "Let's get you out of here." I was never so grateful in my life.

Back in the car, Brenda leaned over and kissed me on the cheek again. "Thank you so much for that," she said. "I know it wasn't fun for you, but that was another first for me."

Wasn't fun for me, it had been horrifying! But Brenda seemed to be in a really good mood all the way home and we chatted and laughed together about the movie.

 

Later that night, I mentally added all the good things and the bad things together and decided that overall it had been a pleasant experience. I'd do it again, but next time I'd try to find a way to be more of a girl. I had been positively miserable every time I knew that people were staring at me because they knew I was really a boy.

 

 

INTERLUDE

 

Earlier that day, Brenda had cautiously watched out for Stephanie to see when he left for his study group meeting. As soon as the door had closed behind him she was nervously knocking on Jill's door. "Jill, can I talk to you again?"

Jill looked up from her desk and said "Well that depends. Are you going to ask me if you can talk to Stephanie again?"

"Do I need to?" Brenda asked laughingly as she came into the room and sat on the bed.

"You better not!" Jill said laughing with her as she moved over to sit with her. "What's up?"

"I need your help."

"Ok, shoot."

"Stephanie and I are going to the movie tonight and… well, Stephanie looks really nice today and I look like a frump! Can you help me look at least a little bit better?"

"Sure!" Jill said very surprised. "I'd love to. Do you want to borrow some of my clothes?"

"Not really," Brenda answered. "I was kind of wondering if we could make another quick shopping trip so I could have something of my own. I was thinking that maybe I could at least try to look a little bit better from now on."

Jill leaned over and hugged Brenda. "Brenda, that's a really great idea. You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that."

Brenda looked a bit embarrassed then she said, "Umm, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, is there anyway we could go back to that shoe store so I could buy those boots? I may not wear them for a long time, but maybe they'll give me some incentive."

Jill jumped up from the bed and grabbed her purse. "Let's go!" she said enthusiastically. "And if you won't wear them, can I borrow them?"

 

A few hours later as Jill watched Stephanie and Brenda walking downstairs together she thought about how strange it was that she had just dressed both of them for their date together. They had both been pleased with the way that each other looked. Jill was too. Stephanie was finally dressing totally like a girl. No more boys' clothes. That felt like a major milestone and just looking at him made her swell with pride. He had been seriously concerned earlier with the way he looked. He had even worn a skirt and the high heeled boots all day without being made to - even though he knew he had to wear them to his study group meeting and to the movie tonight. That was what she called major progress!

What should be next she wondered? She found her personal notebook she kept for Steve's progress and opened it to the beginning and read her personal goal for him – 'To make him as absolutely girlish in every way possible'. Was Steve girlish? Not a bit she realized. He may be dressing the part better, but that's about where it ended. There were still a lot of things about his physical appearance that needed fixing, and his attitudes were all wrong, and then there were his mannerisms – awful! But how do you fix any of those things. She decided that maybe it was time for another talk with Ms. Carter.

  

  

  

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