Girlish

(A love story)

by Karen Singer

 

Chapter 4

 

It didn't really bother me when 'Miss' Jill announced that from then on she wanted me to call her "Miss Jill" instead of just "Jill." Actually I wasn't really happy about it, but I mean, why? She's only a couple of years older than I am and we're rooming together for heaven's sake. But if it would keep her happy and keep me from getting another beating then that's what I would do.

While we were talking, I took the opportunity to bring up another subject that was starting to bother me. I had been amazed at the reaction, or more precisely the lack of reactions from the other students about me wearing obviously girl's shoes and nail polish all the time. Yes, it did disturb me a great deal, but everyone else, once they knew about it, seemed to get used to it real fast, and it was like that was the end of it. Maybe this new confidence was part of the reason, but right after Miss Jill told me how she wanted me to address her, I broached the subject of my getting a little bit of sexual relief. "I told you what you have to do," was all she said to me.

So from that minute, I started planning what I would write. I knew it would have to be a complete work of fiction. Deep down, whenever I thought about it, I really didn't want to wear girl's clothes. What I really wanted was to be like everyone else and do the things that everyone else did. But I knew that saying anything like that wouldn't get me any relief, and things were getting to the point where every time I felt that 'thing' they had stuck on me pulling on me or even when it prevented me from getting hard, it was like it was only fueling my need even more.

As the week progressed I started to dread getting to Saturday because I knew that it would probably mean more humiliation for me. Bruce's first football game was scheduled for Saturday afternoon though, and Miss Jill had said that we needed to go to show our support. Actually, I was very much looking forward to it, for several reasons I guess. First of all, I enjoyed football games and secondly, I hadn't really been out of the house to do much of anything fun since I got there. Then there was another reason, I was hoping that it would keep me out of the stores with Miss Jill. Unfortunately, Saturday morning came all too early and Jill made sure that I was up and dressed in plenty of time to go shopping as soon as the stores opened. "Oh great," I thought to myself as she tried to hurry me up. I dreaded what was about to happen to me.

Instead of Wal-Mart, this time Jill drove us out to a factory outlet mall out by the highway. Our first stop confused me a bit since she took me into a sporting goods outlet. "When we go to the football game later, we need to show our team spirit," she said. "A lot of us wear these team shirts when we're at the games." She led me over to a rack that held a bunch of T-shirts patterned to look like the team football jerseys.

"All right!" I said enthusiastically. "This is great. Hey, you know, I used to have one of these shirts for years. I finally wore it out and my mother threw it away on me. I could have killed her."

I started searching for a shirt in my size, but Jill strongly suggested that I just get an extra large one. "It'll be easier to wear over heavier clothing as the weather gets colder," she said. Very practical, I thought, so that's what I got. It even had Bruce's number on it, something that Jill liked better than I did. Price of the t-shirt blew almost half of the $50.00 budget that Jill had set for me for the week. I was kind of happy about that too.

After that, Jill and I walked a few doors down and she led me into a really trendy clothing outlet. "I love this store," Jill said as we walked in. Somehow, I didn't think that I would. "I'm going to look around and shop for me for a while," Jill told me. "You need to start finding some of your own clothes so you won't always have to borrow mine. Find yourself a new skirt," she told me.

Buy myself a skirt! I knew it, things were bad again. I just hoped I wouldn't be wearing it to class on Monday. I spent about three seconds standing there looking at all the racks of skirts and the variety simply floored me. "What for?" I suddenly found myself asking her.

Jill looked over at me and I could see she was suddenly getting angry. "What do you mean what for? To wear of course…"

"No, no, that's not what I meat," I interrupted her before things got worse. It had been a bad choice of words. "I meant, like for what kind of occasion, or for what purpose, you know? I mean there are skirts here that look like they should only be worn to some kind of formal party and I can see others that I'm not sure where they should ever be worn. Was there any special kind you had in mind?"

Jill walked over to me and I was very afraid she was going to be mad. I could see myself in a mini skirt on Monday. But instead, she walked up with a big smile on her face, put her arms around me, gave me a big hug, and said, "I could kiss you." Surprise! Now, what had I done? "I'm so happy you're really trying to do this right. Why don't you look for one that you think is casual, not fancy. Or think about one that you might want to wear to class someday, not necessarily right now, but later perhaps."

Wear to class? At least I had some relief knowing that it wasn't going to be soon. "Ok," I simply said to her. I spent about twenty minutes browsing among the skirts while she shopped.

When she finally came back to see how I was doing, I showed her the skirt I had picked out. It was a long denim skirt. I could see in her eyes that she wasn't really happy about it and was about to say so, but before she got the chance, I blurted out, "I figured that the weather is going to be turning real cold soon and this would help keep me warmer. Besides, I see a lot of the other girls in school wearing them a lot and I figured that it was really in style." I didn't tell her my real reason for picking this one, that it was long and I wouldn't be showing off my legs. Also, the denim material was heavier and more like the jeans that I was used to. Maybe deep down I hoped that it wouldn't be noticed as being a skirt so much.

Jill looked at me with her mouth wide open and shock in her eyes. Then she simply walked over to me and kissed me on the cheek. You're so sweet, and you're absolutely right. It's a good choice. Why don't we try to find a top to go with it too." So we looked at all the sale racks and she finally suggested two different ones from a five dollar rack. They were both long sleeved. One had a white collar on a soft yellow print material and looked to be a bit tapered at the waist and the other one was more like a soft pink sweater material with a round neckline that buttoned half way down the front. At five dollars each, I would be able to buy both of them. And the best part for me was that I knew that would be the end of my purchases for the day.

Unfortunately, Jill suggested that we try our new clothes on before we bought them and she led me over to the changing rooms in the back. There weren't any attendants there, just what looked like two closets. Jill sent me in with instructions to put the skirt on and one of the tops then come out so she could see how it looked. I wasn't happy about that, but I didn't say anything and went in to get dressed. I put the skirt on and the yellow shirt and cracked the door open to see if Jill was standing outside. She wasn't. "Jill?" I called.

"I'm in here," I heard her say from the other changing room. "I'll be right out." She came out a minute later and seemed disappointed that I was still in the room and not standing outside. "Get out her where I can see you." I sheepishly opened the door all the way and stepped outside. I felt very foolish. "How do I look?" she asked me with a smile on her face as she twirled around to show off a cute little dress she had found.

I almost forgot about myself as I watched her. "You look great," was all I said. Maybe I didn't enjoy trying on clothes, but it was obvious that she did.

"Ok, let's look at you," she said at last. I just stood there while she scrutinized me. "Turn around," she ordered. So I slowly turned all the way around. "It looks good on you," she said at last. "Put the other top on and let me see it." So I went in and changed into the pink top. When I came out, she smiled and said, "It looks good on you too, pink is a good color for you. You just need some boobs! We'll have to work on that. Ok, go change again." I was very relieved to hear her say that and I wasted no time in getting my pants back on again. Boobs! I hoped not soon.

My budget was blown, but Jill wanted to stop in the jewelry store before we left just to look. I didn't mind since I knew that the worst was behind me now. Inside, Jill spent a lot of time looking at some of the rings and bracelets while I just followed her around. Then, while she was looking at a display of earrings I saw her suddenly look up and stare at a sign advertising free ear piercing with the purchase of a starter set. She just stared at that sign for a second, then looked back at the earrings, then looked up at me with an absolutely triumphant look in her eyes. "Stephanie, let's get your ears pierced," she said.

I was horrified. "But Jill, I don't have any money left." Any excuse would have been fine with me, but this one happened to be true.

"Don't worry," she said, "my treat." And with that she left me standing there while she looked for someone to help us. She came back a few minutes later with two salesgirls who seemed to be more than anxious to help us out. I had noticed them watching me earlier but had chosen to ignore it. Now, I didn't have any choice.

"Which earrings were you interested in?" One of them asked.

"These pink ones," Jill responded pointing at a pair of shiny pink crystals in the display case.

"Oh yes," the salesgirl said, "they are very pretty." She unlocked the case and pulled the box of earrings out and handed it to Jill.

"They'll be perfect," Jill said happily.

"If you like, you can pay for them now while she's getting ready," the second salesgirl offered.

"Good idea," said Jill and she walked off with one of them to pay for the earrings leaving me to watch in growing fear as the other girl took the earrings out of the box and dropped them into a dish of some kind of liquid.

A moment later, the sales girl I was watching brought a small stool around from behind the counter and told me to sit on it. The butterflies in my stomach were getting noisier and noisier. She stooped and looked at each of my ears critically, then took a pen and must have made a mark on each of my ear lobes. About then, Jill and the other sales girl came back to watch.

"Just about ready?" the other sales girl asked.

"Um-Hmm," said the girl working on me. "What do you think?" she asked about where she had her marks.

"I think that looks perfect," Jill responded excitedly.

A moment later I felt something hard being manipulated around my ears and as I looked up at Jill with a pleading look in my eyes I suddenly felt a sharp pain. Then it was over. My body was simply registering shock. The first one was done. I now had one pierced ear and the salesgirl was walking around to my other side. A moment later, I had two pierced ears. I wanted so badly to say "Please don't do this," but it was too late, it was all over. I knew I was stuck with them. I felt embarrassed, sorry for myself, and very much like hiding. But that was impossible.

"All done," I heard the salesgirl say.

"They're beautiful," Jill squealed in delight.

"They do look good on him," the other salesgirl said.

"Pink is definitely a good color for him," the one who did the piercing said.

"Yes it is," Jill agreed. "Come look in the mirror," Jill said to me. "What do you think?"

My heart was still pounding and my brain was working overtime to accustom itself to what had just been done to me. I got up slowly from the stool, still in shock, to look in the oval mirror on top of the counter. I dreaded what I knew I was going to see. As I looked, there before me, just noticeable to my eyes, were little pink shiny lights reflecting back from my earlobes. I turned my head from side to side to get a better look. I wanted to touch them, but was afraid to.
"What do you think?" Jill asked again.

I knew I had better answer something at least semi-positive. "They're very nice," I managed to say still staring at myself. What I really wanted to do was to scream at the top of my lungs and ask "why me!" Fortunately, I controlled myself.

Jill, in a suddenly much happier mood than she had been in all morning, thanked the salesgirls and practically pulled me out the door.

On the way home, we stopped at McDonalds for a hamburger. I really didn't want to get out of the car, but I knew I had to. I had gotten used to being seen in the pantyhose and heels with my pink nail polish, but now, I felt like my earrings where huge beacons saying "look at me, look at me!" It was foolish I know, but that's the way it was. I'm sure a lot more people stared at me, but what could I do. I ignored them and ate my lunch while Jill and I talked about this and that and how nice my earrings looked on me. Sure.

That afternoon, Jill and I and Aaron and Mark all walked to the stadium to watch the game. In a moment of inspiration, I had asked Jill earlier if I could please wear my old sneakers since it's such a long walk. I was really surprised when she agreed immediately. I was very happy about that, so were my feet. The team t-shirt that I put on over my shirt came down to me knees, but I didn't really care. Comfortable shoes can do that to you sometimes.

The stadium was huge. After watching games from my High School stadium this felt awesome. It was a close game, but we finally won by three points in the last quarter. I noticed that Bruce had managed to wrack up a few unassisted tackles during the game. I couldn't always see the cheerleaders from where we sat, but whenever they came down where we could see them, they were great. Melissa was easy to spot. To be honest, I really enjoyed watching them as much as the game. That afternoon was without a doubt the happiest time I had had since school started. I felt like a different person as we all walked home. I had even managed to forget about my earrings.

I was still happy when we got home and without being told, changed into my new skirt and yellow top. Then, because the skirt was a bit long without shoes, I put on the heels too. Jill asked me if I wanted a bra to go with it, but I declined. As if in answer, Jill went through my closet and pulled out two of my shirts and a pair of my jeans. "I'll just take these down to the storage room for you," she said simply. I watched silently as three more pieces of my male life were removed from me.

By then, it was after my usual dinner time so I went down to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. I noticed going downstairs one of the minor problems that that skirt was going to cause me. I couldn't see my feet beneath me on the stairs. I remember having to go down very carefully.

While I was standing at the counter making my sandwich, Sharon and Brenda walked in the back door. "Hi," I said to them barely turning around.

"Hi, Stephanie," I heard Sharon say back to me as I finished making my sandwich. Then I heard her exclaim "Stephanie! You have earrings! Let me see." It was embarrassing, but I walked over to her and let her turn my head left and right so she could get a better look. "They're lovely!" she said at last. "I know you'll really like having your ears pierced. Pierced earrings are so much more comfortable to wear than clip-ons."

"I'm not so sure," I said, "just the thought of having pierced ears still scares me." Then I did what I had been afraid to do before. I reached up and touched one of them. It felt hard against the smooth soft skin of my earlobe. I could feel the sharp pointy spike behind my ear and the little clip that held it in place. I shuddered a little bit. I also wondered if they were going to cause me any problems sleeping at night.

"Don't worry, you'll get used to them. I really like them on you," she said as she started to turn toward the door. "Enjoy your sandwich." And with Brenda in tow, they headed toward the hallway.

Just as they got to the door, I heard Brenda say to her, "Go on ahead Sharon, I'll be up in a minute." I turned as I picked up my sandwich to carry it over to the table with a bit of surprise. It was one of the few times I had ever heard Brenda speak. I could see Sharon's eyes grow very wide with surprise.

As I tried to sit down at the kitchen table, that long skirt seemed to get in my way and I had to set my food down and adjust the skirt just so I could sit more comfortably in it. I was beginning to think that I had made a really bad choice when I bought it. I heard Brenda chuckle from the doorway a little bit as she watched me, then she said, "I really like your earrings too. They look very pretty on you."

I'm not sure why, but for some reason I was both startled and shocked. I guess it was just that Brenda talking to me was something that was a bit out of the ordinary. I could see that Sharon had moved further down the hallway behind Brenda and seemed to be watching us closely. "Thanks," I said simply to her. Then for no reason that I know of I said, "Would you like to sit down?"

She seemed to think it over a little bit. There was almost a look of what I would describe as panic in her eyes, but after a few seconds she said a quiet "Ok," and tentatively walked over and sat in the chair opposite from me. Behind her, I could see Sharon raising both arms in the air and it looked like she was mouthing "Thank you God, Thank you God," over and over again. What was up with these two anyway?

Brenda seemed really shy so I asked her if she would like me to make her a sandwich too, but she declined saying she and Sharon had already eaten. "Can I talk to you?" she said in that shy tentative way just as I took the first bite of my sandwich.

"Sure," I said with a mouth full of food, "I'd like that." I'm not sure why, but that last statement seemed to bring that frightened look to her eyes again. I watched her for a moment realizing that she was struggling against leaving and running away. I wondered why but didn't say anything.

She seemed to hesitate a bit, then finally she said, "I'd just like to know, what you think about all this?"

Huh? That caught me a bit off guard. "What I think about all what?" I asked not sure I knew what she was talking about.

"I mean, well… I mean what do you think about dressing like a girl all the time?"

I just looked at her. She was serious. "I hate it." I said simply. "It's very embarrassing - all the time. I feel people looking at me and laughing at me everywhere I go."

"Do the other kids give you trouble about it at school?" she asked.

"No, not really," I replied thinking about it. "They all seem to know what's going on and why I have to dress this way and they don't really seem to give me any trouble about it at all. There are some that I know are uncomfortable around me and some that I know make jokes about me, but most of them have been pretty nice about it all."

"So what's your big problem then?"

I didn't even have to think to answer that one. "It's just not right!" I said. "I'm a guy, not a girl. It's all just so… embarrassing. And besides, I want to do things that everyone else does. For instance, Jill is upstairs getting ready for another date right now. She goes out all the time. What girl would ever want to go out with me? It's just not fair!"

She just seemed to look at me for a second while I was feeling so sorry for myself then she said quietly, "I might."

"Huh? You'd go out with me dressed the way I am?"

For some reason she suddenly looked very panicked and I knew that she didn't really mean it. Then she said "I really might…not just yet please, but maybe later."

What did "might" mean I wondered still skeptical? I wasn't really sure how to answer her but I tried to be polite and leave her offer open at the same time. "I'd be more than happy to go out with you sometime. Although, you'll have to realize that I'm afraid that Jill may start sending me out wearing skirts and dresses soon. She hasn't really mentioned it yet, but I get the feeling that it's coming. I'm not sure how you'd feel about that."

"Actually, I'd like that a lot better," she said truthfully. That surprised me. "Why don't you try dressing more like a girl all the time? That way, people will think you're a girl and won't stare at you so much."

It was an odd concept. I hadn't thought of it before, but the more I thought about it, the more it frightened me. "I…don't think so," I finally said. "Just the thought of it scares me to death. Even last week when Jill made me wear that mini skirt to my study session, I was so sick with embarrassment I could hardly function."

"You wore a mini skirt somewhere?"

"Yeah, she made me wear it to the library where we were meeting. I didn't really have much of a choice. I didn't want to get another beating."

I could see sudden clouds of concern on her face. "Beating?" she asked cautiously.

"Yeah, I kind of got mad about it all and mouthed off at Jill. The next thing I knew, Bruce was carrying me downstairs and Aaron tied me to a chair, then he blistered my backside with a paddle before handing it to Jill to finish me off. It hurt to sit down for days. After that, I decided that I had better do as I'm told. I may not like it, but until I find a way out, I'm stuck going along with it."

Brenda was silent for a few moments. I could see she was troubled. Then she finally said. "I'm sorry you got a beating. That wasn't nice." Then for no reason I could think of, she got up, came around the table to me and gave me a quick hug. It was so surprising. It felt really nice and for some reason, comforting. Here was a girl who hardly talked to me since I got here, coming around and giving me a hug. It was my turn to stare wide eyed at her for a change. As she walked back to her chair, she laughed a bit and said playfully, "I'll bet you looked cute in that skirt."

"I don't really know," I answered truthfully, "I don't ever look at myself." But then catching on to her sudden mood change I added, "But I'll bet you'd look a lot better in it." I could quickly see by her reaction that something in what I said really bothered her.

"I don't wear skirts anymore," she said in a very troubled voice.

"Why?" I asked.

She seemed to hesitate then said, "I have my reasons." Then she added quickly, "I've got to go." And with that she quickly got up and left the kitchen leaving me to sit there with a puzzled look on my face.

When I got back upstairs, Jill was sitting waiting for me. She was completely dressed for her date but for some reason she seemed anxious to talk to me. "So, I saw you talking with Brenda a little while ago. How did it go?"

I wasn't sure why she should be so interested but I just said. "It was Ok." What was the big deal about it anyway? "Something seemed to be bothering her the whole time she was there, but she's really very nice."

"You be careful around her." Jill said warningly. "She's… let's say… timid and a bit frightened right now. Don't you do anything that might hurt her!"

"She came and talked to me!" I said defensively. "But if you like, I'll try to avoid her in the future."

"No, you putz! That's not what I mean at all. I want you to talk to her! Just be careful what you say to her, that's all."

"Why?" I asked. "What's her big problem anyway?"

"That's not for me to say," Jill answered me. "That will have to wait for her to say, when or if she decides to." Then she changed the subject on me. "Before I go out, have you got a draft yet of the assignment I gave you?"

"Yeah," I said still wondering what was going on with Brenda. I would just have to be patient. I handed Jill the printout of what I had written so far. She grabbed a pen, then sat and read it making occasional marks on the paper for me.

"Here," she said handing it back to me when she was finished. "Overall, it's pretty good, but it needs to be formatted to the school standards. Also, you need to add a little bit more. It's about half a page too short."

Too short! It was all I could do to come up with the fiction that was in the paper now.

"If you want any relief tomorrow, you'd better get cracking again." And with that, she got up and went out to her date. The frustration in my loins was getting pretty severe, as was my frustration with life in general. So with no other choice in sight, I picked up my laptop and headed out to the front porch to work in the cool evening air for a while.

The formatting problems were minor and were quickly fixed. The real problem was that I just didn't know what to write. I stared at my subject line of 'Why I Love to Wear Girls Clothes' for a while, but I just wasn't getting any inspiration. I was about to close it all up and head back in the house when Brenda suddenly came out and without asking, sat down next to me.

"Hi Steph," she said after a few seconds. "I'm sorry if I upset you earlier. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me," I said surprised that she would even think to say such a thing – let alone the fact that she was suddenly talking to me again.

She just sort of looked at the floor with a sad look on her face. I could tell she was still troubled and was having a hard time of it. "It's just that…I've been beaten too," she finally got out.

I was surprised. "You mean Aaron and the others beat you too?" I asked incredulously.

"No, no. Not them! They've all been really, really nice to me." I was relieved. "I've been beaten by…other people," she said at last. "And it's not something that I really want to talk about," she added quickly. "But I just wanted you to know. I've been beaten and made to do things I didn't want to do too."

"I'm sorry," I said sincerely. "I didn't know. If there's ever anything I can do to help, please let me know," I added.

"You're already doing it," she said finally looking up at me. She had a small bit of a smile on her face and it struck me how really pretty she was. "What are you working on?"

I looked down at my laptop with a sense of frustration. Before I could answer her question, I realized she was leaning over my shoulder and was reading the title.

"Why I love to wear girl's clothes," I heard her read aloud. "That's a funny topic for a class paper."

Ok, so I was embarrassed again. "It's not for class," I said. "It's something that Jill said I have to write."

"Why?" she asked simply.

I wasn't about to tell her that writing this paper was my only hope for a chance at sexual relief. But what could I tell Brenda? "Because…I won't be very happy if I don't write it," I said at last.

"You mean she'll beat you again?"

"No, at least I don't think so. Let's just say that it's a reason I don't want to talk about."

She seemed to think about it for a few seconds then finally said. "I guess I can accept that. Like I said, there are some things that I don't want to talk about either. Can I help you with it?"

Help me? It was a wonderful offer, but I just wasn't sure if I wanted to share what I had written so far. But I did need help so I said "Please."

She picked up my laptop and set it where she could read it better and read through my paper. "This isn't too bad," she said when she was finished. "The more I think about it, it was a great assignment for Jill to give you. Maybe you'll find some ideas that will help you want to wear girl's clothes more. Now, you've mentioned looking sexy, and pretty, but how about comfort and the materials, and for that matter. They use a lot of different materials when they make girl's clothes and the fabrics are often softer so they feel really nice. And I'll bet that having to carry things around in your pockets all the time can be uncomfortable so not having pockets can be more comfortable. And now that I think about it, one of the biggest things is the sheer variety of clothes. All boys' clothes look pretty much the same, but there are tons of different styles for girls. And wearing different styles can be just plain fun!"

She had just given me enough material for six papers – just that fast. But I latched on to one of the things she said. "Comfortable?" I said. "I'm not sure about that. That bra she had me wear the first night I was here wasn't exactly comfortable. And for that matter, neither are these heels I'm wearing." I held my foot out to show her my foot.

She laughed a bit. "Most girls would laugh to hear you call them heels. They're what, about an inch?"

"Inch and a half," I said. "I measured them."

"Well, take a look around you and you'll see that most of the girls are either wearing flats or heels that are at least three inches."

"Well, these are more than enough for me," I said. "I'd like the flats a lot better I'm sure, but Jill wanted me to get something that would go with either a skirt or pants. But you were right about the fabrics. A lot of what Jill has made me wear did feel really soft. I can use that to finish my paper. And for once, I'd be writing something that might be true."

"Good," she said happily. "I'll just leave you to it then." As she got up and left, she seemed to be in a very happy mood, much different than I had ever seen her before.

I finished my paper with lots of extra lines to spare. I just hoped Jill would approve of what I had written. I could really use some relief.

 

When I woke up Sunday morning, I noticed that Jill hadn't come home yet. Somehow I was betting she was having a good time. As I was shaving in the bathroom, I couldn't help but notice my earrings. In the past, I had always just shaved the few hairs off of my face and that was that, I never really looked at myself before, but now, with those pink lights staring back at me, I was really forced to. "I don't ever look at myself," I remember telling Brenda. Well, now I was almost forced to. I noticed my light brown hair, curling at the ends hanging down over my ears. I needed a haircut, but somehow I didn't think that Jill would approve. I remember my mother suggesting I get one before I left home, but naturally, I didn't. I looked at my eyes, my mouth, my nose, and the shape of my face. Did those earrings make me look more feminine? More like a girl? Maybe. As I said before, I never really looked at myself before. I always avoided looking in the mirror after I got dressed too. Not that morning. I had put on the long skirt again, but this time with the pink sweater. Did I look like a girl? Not really. But I just didn't think I looked much like a boy either. I remember Brenda saying I could try dressing more like a girl so people wouldn't notice or laugh at me so much. Would it work? What was I thinking? I turned away from the mirror disgusted with myself for even harboring such thoughts.

 

Jill didn't come home until the middle of Sunday morning. She seemed a bit tired, but happy. I was doing laundry when she came in. "Hi Stephanie," she said as she walked into the room. "Did you finish your paper yet?"

Right to the point, which was fine by me. I couldn't wait to get some relief, and the more I thought about it, the worse it seemed to get. "Yes," I said and handed her my latest printout.

She sat down and picked up her pen again and started reading. I went back to folding my clothes. "Ok," she said as last. "This is pretty good. I really like the last part you wrote."

"To be honest with you, Brenda helped me with the idea," I said not knowing if it was the right thing to say or not.

"Brenda helped you?" she said totally shocked.

"Yeah," I said still not knowing what the big deal was.

"Tell me about it," she said sitting down on her bed. She was staring at me intently. She certainly seemed interested for some reason.

So I sat down on my bed and told her about how Brenda came out on the porch and that she had told me that she had been beaten too and then she read what I had written and she offered some suggestions. That was about it.

Jill looked at me for a second, then got up and came over to me. I didn't know if I should be afraid or not, till I saw her smiling at me. She poked her finger, hard, into my shoulder and said. "The ball's in your court now. The question is what are you going to do with it?"

Huh? What ball, what was she talking about? "I'm not sure I understand," I said at last."

"Men! You really don't get it do you? She likes you, you idiot!"

"She does?" I just kind of sat there with my mouth open. Somebody actually liked me?

"So what are you going to do about it?" she asked.
I just sat for a moment thinking. "She did say that she might go out with me sometime, just not yet though."

"I'm not surprised," Jill said thoughtfully. "Just talk to her for now. Get to know her."

"That would be good," I said. "I kind of liked talking to her both times yesterday. "You know, she's kind of pretty when she smiles," I said thoughtfully. "I don't understand why she doesn't try to fix herself up more."

"She has her reasons," Jill said simply.

I kind of shook myself out of it then and got back to the subject of me. "So, is what I wrote good enough?"

"Yeah, it's pretty good." She said.

"So, when can I … you know, get some relief?"

"Tonight," was all she said.

Then I thought of something else. "Miss Jill, our study group has decided to meet every Sunday afternoon. Do I have to wear a skirt again this week?"

"Not if you don't want to," she said. "But you certainly can if you like."

"Ah, no thanks," I said. "Not this week."

 

I was the second group member to get to the library that day. Josh was there ahead of me. I know he stared at my earrings for a few seconds, but other than that, he didn't say a word. I was grateful. Diane and Courtney, on the other hand were a different story. As soon as they saw my earrings they went on and on about earrings and what kind they liked and then on to other jewelry. I didn't really want to be, but as the center of attention, I was stuck in the middle of the discussion. Josh got tired of it and started to get up to leave. "I'm more interested in studying, not jewelry," he said as he got out of his chair. Thank you Josh!

"He's right," I said. "We really need to work on this stuff." I didn't, but I know they did. That seemed to change the subject and I spent the next two hours teaching them what they should have already learned.

 

That night, about nine o'clock, Jill finally said it was time. I was more than a bit apprehensive since I didn't really want to do this in front of her, but I really wanted some relief. She had me stay dressed as I was from the top up, but I had to strip in front of her from the top down. That in itself was really no problem, since we were roommates after all and she had really seen everything anyway. When I was naked below, she walked over to me with the key in her hand and unlocked that infernal cock restraint. Oh, the relief I felt when it came off. Nothing really physical, I think it was more psychological than anything else, but I just felt a huge wave of relief. "Ok," she said picking up my panties I had just taken off and handing them to me. "I want you to kneel down on the floor and wank yourself off with these." I know my face turned red as I simply kneeled there on the floor and started to put the panties up against my member. But she stopped me before I could get started. "Wait a minute." Then she picked up the paper I had written and handed it to me. "Read this aloud while you're doing it," she said. I wasn't happy about it, but for that matter I really wasn't happy about everything in general. So I started to read the paper while I rubbed myself with my own panties.

I don't know why, maybe it was the fact that my mind was distracted by my own reading, or maybe it was just that I had spent so much time unable to get hard, but for a while, absolutely nothing happened with my cock. It refused to get hard. Oh, believe me, just touching it felt wonderful! But, it refused to respond.

When I finished reading the paper, I looked up at Jill with a total look of frustration in my eyes. "Read it again," she said simply. So for the second time, I started plowing my way through it. This time, maybe something in what I read slipped into my mind, I don't know, but at last, I started to grow hard. By the time I finished reading it for a second time, I was fully hard. I looked up at Jill with a look somewhere between triumph and ecstasy. "One more time," she said. So I read it one more time all the way through. My excitement was definitely growing.

When I finished reading, Jill came over to me and took the paper from my hand. I closed my eyes as I fully enjoyed what I was doing. Then from out of nowhere, the memory of walking to the library last week while wearing that mini skirt flashed into my mind. For some reason, all I could think about was watching my legs wearing pantyhose and those shoes reaching out over and over again, taking step after step. Why, I don't know, but I was finding it incredibly erotic and intoxicating. I was being betrayed by my own memories, memories that I hadn't thought were good ones before. And eventually it was too much for me. My orgasm was incredibly intense. I was practically hyperventilating. Every muscle in my body was spent and I slouched over till my head touched the floor.

Jill let me just stay that way for a while till I recovered enough to get up. "Get yourself cleaned up, then just put your nightgown on," she said, "don't bother with panties yet. So I wiped myself off, put my nightgown on and went into the bathroom and washed myself really good. It felt wonderful to wash down there without that restraint. When I got back to the room, I fully expected Jill to put that stupid restraint back on me and I had braced myself for it, but instead she said, "Aaron wants to see you before I put this back on again." And with that she took me by the hand and led me over to see Aaron.

I was more than a bit worried about seeing Aaron. I think I would rather have just had the restraint on again. In Aaron's room, I noticed that Mark was out. It looked like Aaron had been listening to CDs again. "Has he come?" he asked Jill.

"Definitely," she answered him.

"Good," then he took me by the hand and led me over to the corner of the room. He had a rope there strung through a large eyebolt that was screwed into the ceiling. More ropes again. Now I was really afraid. "Don't worry," he said smiling, "this is just to keep your hands out of trouble while I measure you."

 

Measure me? I thought as he proceeded to tie my hands to each side of the rope. Luckily, instead of pulling my arms up high, it just held them about the height of my head, but all I could do was stand there while he pulled my nightgown up and looped the back of it over the top of my head so it would stay up out of the way. He got a measuring tape off of his desk and then started to measure me. He measured every inch of me from the waist down to my thighs. He spent a particular amount of time on the circumference of my penis. With each measurement, he wrote down his findings on some kind of chart he had drawn up. Then he got out another piece of rope and tied it tightly around my waist. Then he measured it again. He redid almost every measurement he had already done, only this time tying the rope tightly to reduce the measurement first. When he got to my penis, instead of the rope, he just pulled the measuring tape really tight. "Ok," that's it," he said at last. "You want me to put his cock restraint back on before I untie him?" he asked Jill.

"Good idea," she said and went off to get it.

"What were all the measurements for?" I asked now that I felt it was a good time to ask.
Aaron smiled. "I've come up with a new design for a cock restraint for you. A friend of mine owns a manufacturing company and has agreed to make it for me. I just needed to get your exact measurements. If it works like we think it will, we're going to market it and hopefully make some money." Before I could really digest what he had just told me, Jill came back into the room and handed the restraint to Aaron and within seconds, I was securely locked up again and he was releasing my hands. A new cock restraint and one that Aaron had designed. I couldn't even imagine it, but I shuddered at the thought anyway.

 

On Monday, a lot of the girls in my classes noticed my earrings, and just like with Diane and Courtney the day before, they all wanted to talk about earrings and jewelry in general with me. I was beginning to feel like one of the girls. I'm not sure how I felt about that.

 

 

 

INTERLUDE

 

Jill stood in the hallway watching Steve talking with his friends between classes. She could occasionally catch a spark of light being reflected from his earrings whenever he moved his head. She felt a huge surge of pride every time she saw him from knowing that he was becoming something that she was creating. As she looked at him she also felt her lack of patience. She really wanted to see him standing there in a skirt and heels, totally dressed and acting like a girl. Right now he was just somewhere in between. What should be next for him she wondered? He didn't move or act like a girl, his shape was all wrong, and he needed clothes, clothes, clothes. It would be wonderful if he had an unlimited budget to work with where he could buy everything he needed all at once. But the reality of it was that he didn't.

She was fairly sure that he wasn't aware that she was reading his diary occasionally. He had made mention of that fact in it. But the fact that it seemed to be more private to him had let him open up more in it. He had detailed a lot of his thoughts in it and most of them were about his absolute frustration with it all. He had also detailed all his talks with Brenda and they were really interesting. She had felt more like she was spying on him while reading them. But his last few entries had been really interesting. He was starting to look more at himself physically. It seemed that Brenda had suggested he should try to dress more like a girl to avoid embarrassment, and now he was wondering just how he might look. That was definite progress, and she smiled thinking about it.

So what should be next? As she watched him standing there she decided it was definitely time to start working on his posture and some of the little nuisances of being a girl. He stood there like a boy. He had no grace at all. She didn't know how many times she had told him to put his knees together while he was sitting in a skirt. That was something she was going to have to start taking a harder line about. But as for his outward appearance, she really liked that fact that every week she had added something that was very visible to his appearance, but what should be next, a bra perhaps? Then as she watched, one of the girls slung her heavy purse back over her shoulder after it had fallen down to her arm. Another smile came to Jill's face. "Definitely!" she thought.

  

  

  

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