Get Thee Behind Me

by Annette Seven

 

I have just had an message from my cousin and I thought I would forward it. Someone might be able to advise us and certainly you should all be warned.

This is the message:

Dear [cousin],

 

This morning I was sitting in front of my mirror conjuring Mariah. (I have reason to believe you understand me.)

As it happened the transformation went very well and my appearance approximated my dreams. I had reached the panties, bra and slip stage and as I sat, lost in admiration, filing my toenails, reality faded. Light inexpressible suffused my bed-sitter, the room was filled by bursts of black lightning and the presence of a power so achingly beautiful that even I did not suspect a wind up.

The scene in the mirror was unchanged but when I turned I saw a vision of glory. A figure whose mile-high silvered wings stretched out within the tortured walls of my room, whose eyes I did not dare to meet with mine, whose perfect body shone with the light of a million supernovae; who was naked and ready.

And I heard a voice saying, "Hail, thou that art highly favoured, I am with thee: blessed art thou among tgirls."

Wondering what the hell was going on: I said," Oh my God."

"Ah, well," he said, "never mind that. Fear not Mariah, for you have curried great favour in high places. Not only that, you will have a daughter and you will..."

"Excuse me, I don't have a partner and even if I did..."

"Excuses not required. Linguistic nuances I have always found problematical. To put it another way, I have decided you will bear my child."

"Huh?"

I think that is what I said. Something along those lines. At any rate, although the light remained as beautiful as before, and indeed retained a translucence surpassing opacity, I detected the faintest whiff of something acrid.

"If by that you mean 'What?' I have just told you. If you mean 'How?' Don't bother your pretty little head. 'Why?' Well, anything He can do... You understand?"

"Do I understand? It's you need to understand - whatever I look like to you, look..you need a woman."

And he answered and said, "Think what you like. I knew you were the one by the way you appeared at your door in full drag and routed those Jehovah's Witnesses."

"Oh, you saw that?"

"I was the tall one. Listen, the greatest power will overcome you, you will have my child. Her name will be Lise.

What is the matter? Don't you believe in miracles? Isn't it all you've ever wished for?

By the way, your cousin Annie has also conceived a daughter and is some months gone. Her daughter will have the voice of one monopolising the media. She will prepare my, sorry, our, daughter's career."

"I don't have a cousin Annie."

At once I was seized by the hair and pulled over backwards. As my wig was merely resting on my head this surprised me.

"I am wearied by your doubts. Not only are you ignorant of miracles you don't know the first thing about your own cousin."

Having your panties suddenly dangled in front of your face can be disconcerting and I admit I panicked. I threw up my arms to form a cross. Yeah, right! I had an idea that the proper words would send him elsewhere. Unfortunately I quoted from a script by Luke; I should have extemporised.

"As you wish", he said, as he flipped me over. "Now, try to relax."

He really wasn't much with the old chat, but overall his technique was effective.

The next I care to recall I was lying in the crook of his left arm with my head resting on his biceps. I lay very still, partly because I was amazingly sore and shattered, partly to avoid spoiling the moment, but mostly because of the six-inch crimson talons gently caressing my throat. I was still clutching the nail file but... no.

I suppose I ought to have asked if it had been good for him. Ah well, next time.

In fact the only thought that came to me was that I really needed a glass of red. Could he read my thoughts, or did he just guess?

"Since Lise's health is now paramount, you will avoid alcohol and tobacco until she is weaned. Naturally you will not use drugs whether recreational, anti-depressants or painkillers."

"Painkillers?"

"Neither aspirins nor epidurals. Childbirth hurts, but that wasn't my idea."

"You should know", he added, "I'm pro-life, but I don't mind you being pro-choice. If you choose wisely."

No answer to that. After all that had happened did we need euphemisms?

"Shall I demonstrate the consequences of a poor decision?" he persisted.

Oh leave me alone!

I had been gazing vaguely on the impossible infinite for who knows how long when I noticed, floating in isolation, my dressing table and mirror. In the mirror I saw my bedroom and I watched the reflection grow larger, comfortably shouldering aside the nightmare, until all was nominal.

Nominal that is except for a voice echoing, "The first one is the hardest", and for the fact that he had kept my panties. Oh, and I can't seem to take off my wig or even find its edge.

And that, my only cousin, is all I remember.

How are you passing the time these days?

Love, [...](a.k.a. Mariah)

 

So there it is. The hair was the first symptom for me too, I expect the others will follow. Perhaps we should meet while I can still recognise him, because he won't recognise me.

  

  

  

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