A Wish the Heart Makes : Fornever in Blue Genes

by: Tigger

 

Chapter 16: Love and Other Torments

"Well, that is a very comprehensive and exhaustive list, Dr. Sorenson," Mandy’s unwelcome guest said, a touch of emotion almost like sadness rippling in her soft, soothing alto. "I never knew that my gender had quite so many downsides."

Fire burned at Mandy’s cheeks and her mouth fell open. "I didn’t . . . I mean . . . but of course I wouldn’t . . . " Then she simply stopped and took a deep breath. "You can stop me any time, Dr. Thompson. It can’t be healthy for me to eat quite so much of my foot. Especially raw."

The slender, strongly featured woman in the gray business suit managed a half-laugh at that and sat back in her chair. "Relax, Dr. Sorenson, please. I was just teasing. But you have to admit the list was rather lengthy."

Mandy considered the other woman again. Dr. Janice D. (Call me Jan) Thompson had been selected, after a very thorough vetting by both Bob West (for her professional credentials) and by Cat Donovan (for her security reliability) as Mandy’s psychologist. Her primary practice dealt with treating gender related problems and facilitating gender transitions for people considering sexual reassignment. She was soft-spoken, but Mandy could sense a steel will lurking behind those gentle eyes.

*Don’t think she’s someone I can B-S,* Mandy had concluded in the first two minutes of their interview, *Might as well tell her the truth. Bob says she’s the best and lord knows I need someone to help me make heads or tails of all this.* "Well, hell, Doctor Thompson, I have just gone through a woman’s period and nearly gotten raped. Neither of those ever happened to me when I was a male. And I *never* wanted this . . . this change in the first place."

"Okay, I can accept and understand that. So, why not just get sexual reassignment surgery? We are very good at female to male transitions these days. The bio-networked, neurologically controlled phallic replacements are quite effective and sensitive. They’re even adjustable after the surgery in both . . . umm . . . size and sensation."

Mandy thought about that for a moment. "Because I never considered that. Probably because no one mentioned it as a possibility, but I don’t think I would do it anyway."

"Why not, if being male is so much more what you want for yourself? I am told that not even the new males’ lovers know for sure once the reassignment and final healing are complete."

"Mostly because I have faith in Bob West. As long as there is a chance that I can be fully male again, I am not going to mess with this body. Cutting things off or cutting them out might do something irreparable and mess up that chance to be me again."

"Dr. West tells me that a safe re-transition back to male gender is still a very slim possibility."

That brought forth a chuckle. "That’s just Bob. In all the years we’ve worked together, Bob has always been the eternal pessimist. Sometimes he will forget where we are in a project and tell us how slim the odds of success are after we’ve already succeeded."

"Ah, I see. So, to return to the subject, surely there are some aspects of your new life that you like? I mean, here you are young again, physically attractive, healthy. . . ? Aren’t those significant issues to you?"

Mandy hesitated, sensing a psychologist’s trap. Was it just her imagination, or was Dr. Thompson becoming less friendly? Was her professional smile becoming somehow more forced with each question? *Calm down, Sorenson, don’t add paranoia to your many problems.* "I guess, Doctor, if you consider that the alternative was being dead."

"So, being young, healthy and beautiful is at least slightly preferable to being dead if survival requires you to become a woman in the process?" This time there was no doubt something was seriously upsetting the attractive psychologist and a single tear cut a black streaked rivulet down her lightly powdered cheek.

Color flared in Mandy’s cheeks and she looked away in shame. "I . . . I guess I owe you an apology," she whispered.

Thompson started to say something, but caught herself. Sighing, she closed her eyes hard, squeezing out a few more tears. She fumbled in her purse for a tissue, daubed away the tears and then shook her head. "No, you don’t owe me an apology," she sighed. "I am supposed to be better than this, and that little exchange was unfair to you and unprofessional of me. I apologize to you, Dr. Sorenson," she finished with grave dignity.

Mandy tried to smile. "That’s all right, Doctor. I am probably not the most positive and cooperative patient you’ve ever had to deal with."

"Nevertheless, it is my job to help you, and instead I . . . " she shook her head again. "Look, this isn’t a good excuse, but . . . well, it’s just that most if not all of my patients would sell their souls AND their bodies for anything remotely close to what has happened to you." She stopped abruptly and pressed her fingers to her eyes, wrinkling her brow as if against a migraine. "See what I mean? I just said ‘my patients’, and yet, *you* are one of my patients now. Damn."

"Doctor?" Mandy asked softly.

"Forgive me, Dr. Sorenson. Your needs are very different from those of my other patients in that you have already undergone transition, unwilling though that experience was, and now you need help coming to grips with that. I find myself having trouble getting past how beautiful you are and reacting very badly to your understandably negative responses to being a woman against your desires and evidently, also against your basic nature. I will understand if you would like your team to find another therapist."

Mandy thought about that and about how she’d spouted off when they’d started this session. She’d been angry at Bob for having forced this head-shrinker on her, and she’d responded by attacking Dr. Thompson with a spate of pure, unadulterated mindless bitching. *Hell, Sorenson, if you’d been starving and this woman had offered you her seat at a banquet, YOU would have complained that the filet mignon was overcooked and then blamed her for it.* "No, it was my fault. I was upset about being given no choice about this, and childishly tried to be obstructive. I am sorry."

A sad smile crossed the older woman’s face. "You’re not my first semi-involuntary patient, Mandy. I knew what you were doing when we started today and more importantly, I knew why since Dr. West had told me you had been initially opposed to these consultations. I still let you . . . or rather, your reaction to your current circumstances upset me enough that I lost my professional composure and objectivity."

"Can we start over, Dr. Thompson? Maybe give each other another chance?" Mandy asked softly.

Jan Thompson’s earlier, unforced smile blossomed at that, and she nodded. "I’d like that, Dr. Sorenson, I’d like that a great deal. And didn’t I tell you to call me Jan?"

Sighing, Mandy nodded. "Yes, you did. Please call me Mandy."

Silver-gray eyes became serious. "Odd that you would choose to be called by a feminine name when you’ve just spent the last twenty minutes listing in colorful detail your horrible experiences since waking up female. Now why is that, I wonder?"

Mandy forced a smile to her lips. "Well, Doc . . . ummm . . . Jan, as I recall, there were a couple of reasons. One, ‘Matt’ didn’t seem to fit anymore, and two, being called ‘Matt’ reminded me rather forcibly that I wasn’t ‘Matt’ anymore."

"And you chose ‘Mandy’ because it was close to your old name?"

Without thinking, Mandy answered, "Actually, Cat named me."

"Ah, I see. Well, I think it was a good decision on your part, Mandy. It is strange that you wouldn’t find a feminine name yet another negative aspect of your current life, though."

*I never thought about that,* Mandy reflected, *but she’s right. Hell, Sorenson, you know damned well you tolerate, even LIKE the name because Cat gave it to you. How do you tell the good doctor THAT one?* "It hasn’t, Jan, and like I told you - a lot of that was mindless bitching because I was angry at being maneuvered into seeing you like this."

"I see," she said enigmatically. "Mandy, let me be up front with you. I know about Matthew’s unrequited feelings for the formidable Ms. Donovan, and about how you were changed into a computer’s idea of her ideal mate. Isn’t that part of the reason that you accepted the naming without compunction?"

*SHIT* "Oh hell, Jan. Yes, it is." *Well, you just promised to be up front with her. "Look, I am in love with Cat Donovan, okay? And she liked the name, so I just smiled and started calling myself Mandy."

"I see. So that’s why you accepted being named ‘Mandy’? Because it pleased Ms. Donovan?"

"Under all this feminine bone and skin, there beats the heart of an old fashioned romantic male, doc. I’d do just about anything to make that woman happy. That’s just the way it is."

Jan nodded slowly and became pensive. "Mandy, I am going to ask you a question, but I don’t want you to answer it right now. I want you to think about it. You’ve made some decisions in your life recently, such as your non-consideration of sexual reassignment, and I want you to take a step back and think hard about your motivations. It may not change your decisions, but you need to understand why you are making those decisions."

"Okay, Jan. Ask away."

"You say you love Cat Donovan, and that you would do just about anything to make her happy. I have watched her watching you, and it is clear that she is extremely fond of you and moreover, is strongly attracted to you. What are you going to do, if and when Dr. West finds a way to make you male again, if what it takes to make Ms. Donovan happy is Mandy?"

Stunned, Mandy could only stare at the other woman. Finally, she managed to get her voice to work. "I’m not sure I understand, Jan," she choked out.

"Oh, but I think you understand perfectly, Mandy. Well, I must be on my way. I will see you in a day or so."

Mandy rose to walk the psychologist to the door. Just before they reached the door, Jan stopped. "Oh, I have a favor to ask. Would you think about letting me use our discussions in a paper I am writing? Your experiences are so unique, that there are many things that could be learned from them for others."

Mandy stopped and thought for a moment. "I am not sure, Doctor, if it would be such a good idea for my situation to become public knowledge. At least, not until we know why the process fatality rate is so high, and so inconsistent with our understanding of human genetics. Other folks might try to reproduce the process and start killing folks."

"It’s really that unsafe?" Mandy nodded firmly, and the Doctor sighed. "I see. That’s so sad. Part of the reason I was so upset with you earlier is that one of my patients committed suicide last week. She’d just completed transition, and well . . . what medical science could give her wasn’t enough for her. She was such a sweet and gentle little person, and I became very close to her during her counseling. I am afraid that I was reacting to her death and your rather forceful rejection of all the things she wanted most. I truly am sorry for that. As to the paper, I understand your thinking on that score, Mandy. Actually, I understand a great deal more than I did before. Just think about it and let me know. Maybe we could agree that we’d only do the paper if Robert does find a solution?"

Impulsively, Mandy reached over and pulled the grieving psychologist into a hug. "Maybe we will at that," she murmured before releasing her hold. "Drive safely, Jan. Oh, and Doc?" Jan Thompson looked at Mandy, a quizzical look in her smoky eyes. "I’ve only known you for a few hours, but I was a damned good judge of people when I went by the name of Matt, and I’m still just as good. That patient of yours? I *know* you did everything humanly possible for her. You wouldn’t have done it any other way."

A surprised look flitted across Jan’s face before being replaced with wry amusement. "Sure of that, are you, Mandy?"

"Positive, Doc. See you soon."

Nodding her head, Jan smiled. "You, too. Think about my questions, Mandy. I think the answers are important."

~------------~

Interlude: Mandy with Teri

Twenty minutes later, a greatly subdued Mandy wandered back into the main living area of her high security apartment. Peripherally, she noticed Morag and Teri chatting near Teri’s desk, but they broke off whatever they were talking about when they noticed Mandy’s arrival. Waving both a greeting and a farewell to Mandy, Morag turned and hurried off toward the security check point, leaving a solemn-faced Teri staring after her.

*Now where have I seen that look before,* Mandy asked herself as she studied the motionless nurse. *Like every morning in my mirror when I think of Cat Donovan, perhaps? Oh, well - hell. I *am* the boss and what’s the point of being the boss if you can’t meddle now and then?*

"She’s a great person," Mandy said quietly as she padded up to where Teri still watched the now-closed door.

"WHAAA . . . " the surprised nurse squealed as she jumped away from the unexpected voice. "Oh, Mandy, you surprised me," she said after collecting herself.

"Sorry," Mandy offered with what she hoped was a gamine grin. "I just said that Morag was a really great person."

A look of great sadness swept across the nurse’s face. "Yes, she is. I like her . . . a lot."

"More than just ‘like’, I’d say, Teri. I’d say you were more than halfway in love with her, and I’d say Morag is just the same over you."

Teri’s eyes narrowed. "Don’t you mean ‘lust’, Ms. Mandy?" The words were sharp but Teri’s demeanor was sad, "And there is *no* way that Morag feels that way towards me."

Mandy shook her head solemnly. "No, I said what I meant. I suspect you’d be more than able to press your advantage with Morag if lust was all that was motivating you. For all her training and fighting skills, Morrie is still fairly inexperienced and naive. No, if all you wanted was to scratch your itch with her, you’d have had her by now because, as I said, she feels the same for you."

"And so what if I am?" Teri did not realize she’d practically mimicked Morag’s Gallic accent with MacPherson’s favorite colloquialism. "She’s Catholic, for goodness sake, Mandy. Hell, she’s probably going through the torments of the damned just dealing with whatever feelings she does have for me. Can you imagine what that Catholic guilt of hers would do to her if she ever slipped up and made love with me? Another woman?"

"And seeing her like that the morning after, her guts all twisted up with guilt and shame would just about kill you, wouldn’t it? Especially if you were the cause of it?"

"Especially that," Teri agreed with a shaky nod, "I’d rather just be her friend than ever see her diminished in any way because of me or something I did to her."

*God, does that ever sound familiar. How many times did that very worry keep me from trying to jump Cat’s gorgeous bones back in my XY days?* "That’s hard, Teri. Unrequited lust sucks."

The laugh that answered Mandy had an harsh edge to it. "Like you said, Mandy, if it was just lust there are any number of ways to deal with that problem that don’t involve taking Morag to bed. Unfortunately, the only one I want is her."

*Cut ‘halfway’ and insert ‘head-over-heels’,* Mandy thought. *Only the real thing turns you inside out like this while making the sex organs just so much useless, unresponsive flesh with anyone else but ‘the ONE’.* "So, what are you going to do?"

"Live with it until I can’t anymore," Teri said with a weary shrug of her shoulders. "Look for other work if it comes to jumping her bones or leaving." *Although only God knows how I am going to manage that with the Organization breathing down my neck to stay here and feed them information. If, as Cat believes, they’ve killed one member of the group to protect themselves from discovery, what would they do if their number one agent in place suddenly decided to stop playing?*

"I’d regret losing you," Mandy said sincerely. "You are a helluva nurse and a better friend. You know I will write you a killer reference, but I won’t want to do it."

"Thanks."

"That reminds me. How the hell did you ever end up working here for me, anyway? I mean, what unmitigated fool in the Army let you get away? Shouldn’t you be wearing General’s stars and telling the other nurses how it’s done?"

"Long story, boss. The short version is that when the Equal Rights, Responsibilities and Privileges Amendment was passed, the Army got interested in making sure that everyone got a fair shake. Seems there was this major discrimination and assault case from the late Twentieth Century, involved the Navy, called Tailfeathers or something like that. Anyway, the bigwigs didn’t play fair and tried to cover it up. Then, even after they got caught, they still tried to get around the new rules about fair treatment for women. The powers-that-were got hammered for that, and the politicos started forcing them to play by an even more rigid set of new rules. End result was the start of the shift of military and political power from men to women."

"But ERRPA changed all that making rights and privileges equal between the sexes."

Teri snorted at that. "And you say Morag is naive? Boss, someone still has to enforce all those high-minded new rules and regulations, and those someones are going to lose their cushy government jobs and pensions if they don’t find and punish rule-breakers - even if there aren’t any real offenders to find and punish. On top of that, all the current military commanders know all about Tail-whatever, and they really don’t want to be shoved out of power on their collective asses by a Twenty First Century remake of the original Tri-D-video, so they went along. Some might say they went too far on their own, but the end result was that the selection rates for promotion and for the plum jobs suddenly were heavily tilted toward men, even when they were not the most qualified persons available."

"But I thought there wasn’t going to be anything like that under ERRPA. Fair treatment for all based on merit."

"Have you seen my record, Mandy?"

"When you interviewed. I thought it was superb. Why?"

"Because I barely made my last promotion and then got passed over for command selection. In my year group, 80% of the males were selected for command compared to only 25% of the women. I am good - hell, I am VERY good, but I didn’t quite walk high enough above the water to beat those odds. The glass ceiling is back, at least in the army."

"In publicly funded academia, too. Of course, that was to my benefit, or at least, I thought it was at the time. That was how I got Martha here from MIT. She made such a difference around here when we finally got BioCybernetics stood up, keeping the place organized and running smoothly."

"Good to know she was appreciated."

"Oh, she was. Heck, I paid her more than I paid most of my VP’s. Actually, I offered her a VP slot and she turned me down. Told me she was happy keeping track of me, and since I paid her so well, why did she need to give up the power she had as gatekeeper to the king? Guess I know her real reasons for wanting to stay on as my executive assistant now." Mandy went very quiet before continuing. "Dammit, I wish I knew what I did to drive her to do . . . do THIS to me. And I wonder . . . "

Teri saw the tears start to flow and moved over to hug Mandy to her. "Wonder what, Mandy?" she whispered into Mandy’s hair.

"If she knew how little chance I had of surviving the transition. I wonder . . . wonder if a woman I loved like a favorite aunt knew she was very likely sentencing me to death."

"I don’t know, Mandy," Teri crooned, her own tears falling now, "I just don’t know." *God, what the hell are we doing here?*

~-------------~

Interlude: Cat with Morag

Morag hustled out into the security alcove, her emotions all mixed up. She’d never *felt* this way about a guy before, let alone a woman. Father Pat had made her say five Rosaries a day for four weeks the time she’d confessed to her youthful indiscretion in the hayloft with Danny MacAdam. She didn’t even care to think about the penance the old parish priest might come up with if she so much as hinted about these new and strange feelings in the confessional. And yet, her feelings for the blond haired, blue eyed nurse ran deep.

She strode past the checkpoint and all but skidded to a stop when she realized that the guard on duty was Cat. That in itself wasn’t unusual. What was very unusual and what had stopped Morag in her tracks was the fact that Cat wasn’t paying attention - to much of anything least of all her responsibilities as guard. *She’d tear a strip off anyone else she saw behavin’ that way,* Morag thought as she walked up to where Cat stood brooding.

"Uhh . . . boss? Are ye okay, now?" she asked softly.

Cat seemed to rouse, but still did not answer. Worried now, Morag punched her communicator. "Davies, get a relief watch to station zero, now!" she snapped as she moved over to put an arm around her boss. "C’mon now, Chief. Lets get ye to a chair.

"Wha . . . " Cat said, her eyes starting to clear. "What?" she asked more strongly, her head starting to swivel as she scanned for trouble.

Just then, two security guards hustled into the alcove. Morag looked them over and recognized the two men. "Take the watch until the regulars get back from break. I need to brief the Chief on some vital matters," she growled, hoping they’d believe her. Turning to Cat, she assumed a more deferential tone. "Shall we continue this briefing in your office, Ma’am? It is the nearest chamber with a high enough security code."

Recognizing the ploy, Cat nodded, then stood and led the way.

Once inside, she whirled on Morag. "Okay, what is so damned important?"

*Glory be,* Morag thought in wonder, *She believed my trick, too.* "Ummm, Boss, you were day dreamin’ on watch. I was worried about ye, particularly when ye dinna snap out of it right away, so I called for a relief and got ye the hell out of there. Ye mind tellin’ me where the hell your head was at?? Lord above, Chief, ye’d have had anyone else’s guts for garters had ye found ‘em like that on watch."

Unsteady all of a sudden, Cat settled herself down into a chair. "I see. I hadn’t realized . . . Well, thank you, MacPherson. That was well done. Now, if you will excuse me . . . ?"

At that moment, MacPherson wanted nothing more than to let the matter drop, but she couldn’t. "It doesna work that way, Chief, and well ye know it. Hell, they’re your own words. You are the head of a special security assignment and the rules say that anyone on the detail needs to challenge someone when they are not giving the job their full attention. We’ve already had one attempted murder and at least two successful ones that we know about. What the hell was goin’ on in your head back there?"

For a long time, Donovan did not answer, and simply stared at an increasingly nervous Morag MacPherson. *Damn! Suppose she cans me?!? Will I ever see Teri again?*

Finally, Cat sighed, and nodded her head. "You’re right, of course."

Relief washed over Morag. "It sometimes helps to talk about things. I’ve a good ear, and a closed mouth," she offered, and then feeling brave, added, "especially for m’friends."

That made Cat smile. "Good to know - both about your mouth and ears, and that you agree that we’ve become friends. Take a seat, Morag. What I was doing was fretting about Mandy."

Morag had barely settled into her chair when she was sliding forward again to the edge of her seat. "Have ye found out who’s behind this? Are they planning an attack? What?"

Grimly, Cat shook her head. "I only wish that was the problem. That I could deal with. No, this is about Mandy . . . and me. I . . . well . . . I . . . shit! I love her, okay?"

Morag tried and failed to stifle a laugh and it came out as a surprisingly girlish giggle. "And so what else is new?"

"That obvious, huh?" At Morag’s grinning nod, Cat snorted. "Well, that is only part of the problem. You see, while I love Mandy like . . . . well, like a lover, I loved Matt like a brother. That was okay back then - when I thought he liked me sort of the same way. Now that I know she AND he loved me, but wanted me like a lover . . . well, that’s a problem."

"How so?"

Cat again went silent, and Morag could see the internal struggle she was fighting in the lines on her face. "I don’t know if I could love a man . . . any man, even Matthew who I *know* is Mandy . . .*that* way."

"Well, I dinna know if I see the problem, Cat, ‘cause she *is* Mandy."

"But she wants to be Matthew again," Cat wailed, as near to tears as Morag had ever seen the powerful, controlled security specialist. "And I love her too much to ask her to sacrifice something that intrinsic to her for me. I know you can’t understand or accept that two women could or should love one another . . . not like that, anyway, but it would be like watching Mandy die, even though I knew that the male Matthew was still the same person . . . the same soul."

"Well, you might be surprised, Cat, about what I understand, but I do *know* that her body was designed to reflect your dream lover. I guess Dr. West succeeded?"

"God, yes, he did. Cripes, Morag, all I have to do is look at her and I want to bite her . . . in all kinds of very interesting places."

*I understand that feeling, too, entirely *too* well.* "So, what are you going to do about it?"

Cat laughed, but it was an unhappy sound. "What do you think I was muddling through when you caught me asleep at the switch on watch? I am not going to try and stop her if she decides to go through with the re-transition, but then what do I do?"

"Is it the . . . oh, hell, the penetration part that you can’t handle, Cat?" Morag asked, feeling out of her depth, but figuring it would be best if she could keep Cat talking?

A ribald snort answered that question. "Not unless the new Matt is hung like a circus pony. Girls make love *that* way, too, MacPherson," Cat added, pleased to see Morag’s milk-white complexion flame at the image. "No, it’s not the idea of heterosexual intercourse that turns me off. I don’t know if it is any one big thing as much as the sum total of so many little things. Cuddling up and finding hard muscle where I was looking for soft curves. Kissing without the feel of lipstick on both sides. Whisker burn in sensitive places on me. Hairy legs. And God, suppose he got all potbellied on me?"

"As if you’d let him!"

"True," Cat replied more easily, "I guess those things sound . . . I don’t know, pretty trivial . . . "

"Not at all, boss," Morag jumped in. "But how will you handle it if she does go back to being a he and wants to pursue you?"

"I just don’t know, Morag, and that’s the God’s own truth. Do I make a move on Matt and see how I like it when I know that the man I am trying to make love with is also the woman I fell in love with? Suppose I can’t handle it and needed to break it off? I’d hurt him terribly, and I couldn’t stand that."

"Is that why you’ve not made a move on her now? For the same kind of reasons?"

"Mostly. I am not sure I could be quite so noble once I have had a real taste of her, especially if it was as good as I think it could be when . . . *if* the two of us make love. I’d use every dirty trick in the book to keep her from changing back into a man. I don’t like that about myself, but if I am honest with myself, that’s what I think I would do."

"Ye might talk to that psychologist lady. She probably couldn’t talk specifics to you - confidentiality and all that stuff - but she might be able to advise you how to go on with Mandy. She strikes me as a smart and carin’ woman."

"There is that," Cat mused aloud.

Morag stood and started for the door, stopping at the threshold. "Just two things, Cat."

"Yes, Morag?"

"First, ye need to get your head back into the game. You know that. If you can’t, don’t take the watch anymore until you can." The words were stern, but Cat was a pro herself, and took them like a pro. She nodded her agreement. "And while you’re doin’ all that heavy thinkin’, consider this. It isna a done deal that Dr. West can fix what is wrong with the sex- changin’ stuff. She might be Mandy forever. How would ye feel fifty years from now if you and she had never done anything about how you feel about each other?"

Stunned, Cat could only gape at her younger friend. "I thought you didn’t believe in girls with girls, MacPherson? Against the teachings of your faith."

"It ‘tis," Morag agreed, "but I also believe in a God of Love who put love on this earth for a reason - a good reason. If He gave you and Ms. Mandy the gift of true love between ye, I believe it is for a good reason, too. Sometimes I think that wasting that gift of love is the greatest sin of all, ‘cause there is just too darn little of it in this world. See you at watch change, boss."

Cat watched the door hiss shut, and thought about love . . .

. . . and about Mandy.

~----------~

A few minutes later, Cat rose and left her office thinking that a workout might help. She didn’t see a familiar figure slip quietly out of her office’s executive washroom behind her.

"Lord above," Mandy said softly as she let herself out of Cat’s office, "What do I do about THAT? Who says that eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves? Well, at least I know she feels the same about me as I do about her, and that she is just as confused as I am. Just wish that helped me know what the hell I am supposed to do."

 

 

*********************************************
© 1996 by Tigger. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.