Feeling Trapped                by: Paul G Jutras

 

Steve always thought he as an ordinary guy. Even if he didn’t see any other guys playing Barbie dolls with their sisters or helping in dress up games. Steve loved the look of make up on his face and his hair flowing about his shoulders. He looked pretty good in his sisters dresses and heels. He especially liked it when he got to pretend to be pregnant.

As he got older, he would steel his mothers pantyhose from the hamper and either wear it at night or hide it in his room to wear to school the next morning. Especially in the winter as the hose was much warmer in the New England winters than normal long johns. Since he preferred to sit to pee, he had no problem going into the bathroom stale at school when he had to go. He just wish that he could go about the school in his stocking feet like real girls.

As he got older, he traded in the dolls for issues of Cosmo and Women’s World. He loved learning all of the girls secrets and wanted to be as close to them as possible. Especially how the girls treated him like one of them. Talking about good and bad times as well as secret feminine things.

He never once felt like they were being nice because he was handicap and needed extra help with school work and or later having special handicap equipment to help him learn how to drive a car.

One morning after wearing hose under his two piece pajamas, he got up to sick for school. He spent the morning laying on the couch with the shivers. He kept himself warm with a blanket and made sure his feet was covered while he sat up to eat his soup and sandwiches. It wasn’t until the afternoon that his mother spotted him in the hose and ordered him out of them right away. Men did not wear stuff like that and she didn’t want to see them on him again.

Steve become a closet cross dresser for many years after that. Making sure only to wear his mom hose a few hours at a time and put them back before she got home. When Steve started to work he was able to buy his own to wear under his clothes whenever he wanted.

When he graduated from High School he tried to express his real feelings toward mom and she went to a priest that cause her to drop her beliefs in the Church all together due to their anti- transsexual actions. She tries to be understanding by buying a lot of gay lifestyle books for Steve to understand himself. She couldn’t understand there a different between being Gay and being TS. Steve got into such a depression that he was about to kill himself when his mother asked if he still felt the same way. He reluctantly said no to get his mom off his back.

He continued through collage to be secret and afterwards tried to come out again. At this point his mother thought it was some kind of phase and thought of what he went through as a problem that must of been solved. Took him to a counselor who tried to talk him out of being who he is, but just couldn’t do it.

Steve choose to drop the counselor and control his mother. Steve was never that intelligent and probably would never made more than a min wage job. Despite all the gender tests and talks he had with his mom she wouldn’t budge on that. Going on that the shock would put his high string father in the hospital if he learned the trouble. That was when Steve took out the knife his mother used to carve the Thanksgiving turkey to his throat and wanted to know if his mom preferred a dead son over a live daughter. That he didn’t want to kill himself but feels his mother had given him no other choice. Better than ending up sleeping on park bench or in the street since he couldn’t make it on his own. They collapsed in each other arms in tears as she finally realized how much it all meant to him. And started helping him become all the woman he could be.

 

THE END

 

© 2001
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