Fear of Failure            by: Janet L. Stickney                 JanetLynn17@Hotmail.com

 

My parents are real big on not failing. They insist on success in everything we do, which is very difficult, yet it seems that they have no remorse, sympathy, or even the slightest bit of understanding when someone does not win, be the best, or come out on top. More than an obsession, it's a way of life for them. My dad is also a huge sports guy, which is okay, but he always wanted me to be on every team, which, on the face of it was ridiculous since I have zero physical talent, and I am way to small. My sister Megan on the other hand, was on every one of the girls teams, always had straight A's, and was not only gorgeous, but very popular. Of course, it goes without saying that she was the one my parents always pointed at when I didn't, or couldn't, live up to their expectations. I grew up sullen and morose, hating my miserable life, my perfect sister, and all the rules. I guess that's why I rebelled.

When I was fourteen it all came together in one explosive outburst of shouting, crying, flailing arms, and clashing tempers. I could do the book work, get good grades, and all that, but when my dad insisted that I try out for the football team I put my foot down, and said no. Even then I was smaller than my classmates, a mere waif to their solidly built bodies. I'm not that much shorter, but my wrist was the size of my sisters, while most of the guys I knew had wrists the size of my arms! When I said no, dad went crazy. He had determined that I would play, and for him, that was the end of it, and since I had never before said no, he couldn't handle it, and harsh words, ugly names, and tears populated our argument. My sisters name was tossed freely about as if she were my idol, not theirs, which is when I blew up. It was only when we both exhausted ourselves that I stomped off to my room rather than wait for round two. Mom showed up about 15 minutes later.

"Your father doesn't understand" she said, then sat on the bed next to me. "He just assumes that you want to be as macho as he is."

"Yeah" I said, "Like Megan the wonder girl. Can't he see that I wouldn't even be selected for any team? Why would I even try? For him? Just so I could be humiliated in front of the whole school? So what if Megan could do no wrong! Maybe, if I were a girl, I could at least try, since I'm the same size they are! But I'm not a girl, I hate sports, and his constant nagging, even when I get an A in everything but gym is to much mom!"

"I know honey, but you have to understand your father too. When he lost the chance to play in the big leagues because of a heart problem, he was crushed. He has always been a hard driving sort of guy, which he has extended to you. The fact that Megan did well has only reinforced the idea in his mind that if a girl can do it, then a boy should also be able to do it. He just can't see past that Tim."

"Well, he better" I said with some anger attached. "or I'll just quit altogether! Maybe I'll join the girls team! Then maybe he'll be happy!"

Well, dad and I had a truce, maybe you would call it a standoff, that lasted almost a week, then he was right back at it again. I endured it for four days, then, that Saturday morning, when my folks were gone, it came to me. Since Megan was in college, and her room was full of her stuff, I went in, and began to pick out things, my collection growing as I envisioned the look on dad's face when he saw me, and grinned to myself. No quite sure of what to do, I quickly stripped, and began to get dressed in my sisters clothes. I managed the bra okay, stuffing it with socks, then I put on a pair of pantyhose, the skirt, and slipped my feet into a pair of her old shoes. Teetering a bit, I went to her vanity and began to put on the makeup. Actually it wasn't as hard as I imagined it would be. I covered my face in her foundation, the did my eyes with blue eyeshadow, black eyeliner and used a red blusher on my cheeks. I knew that I looked terrible, but that wasn't the point. I brushed my short hair into a sort of mop similar to those I had seen some girls at school with, spritzed it with hairspray, then put the blouse on. Finally I used a bright red lipstick and in a pique, her perfume. Standing back to look in the mirror I was shocked at the way I looked. Not exactly pretty, but I certainly did not look like a boy any more. That's when I almost lost my nerve.

But, the more I looked at my reflection the more I knew that dad would go absolutely nuts, and that drove my determination onward. I did try and fix the obvious mistakes before I left the room, then waited in my own room until I heard them come into the house. The voices were muted through the door, but I knew they were in the kitchen, so I slowly opened the door and stepped out, drawing a deep breath to help bolster the aching fear I had inside. As man's man so to speak, dad might not react the way I hoped he would, and that could lead to more than I could handle, which is why I was afraid. One step after another, I followed the hallway to the stairs, then held the railing tightly as a descended to the foyer, my heels making a soft click on the hardwood floor. Turning, I took just one step when mom looked up and saw me. Her eyes wide, the discovery over, I held my back straight, drew another breath, and walked into the kitchen, went right past my parents to the fridge, opened it, took out a bottle of pop, stood up, then turned around. Mom had recovered a bit, but dad was frozen in place, his eyes wide, his mouth a grim slash on his face.

"Didn't you tell me that you wanted me to be more like Megan daddy? Well, I'm trying!"

I said that, then walked past them and into the familyroom where I flicked on the television and sat down, my knees together, my hands holding the pop in my lap. It didn't take them long to come into the room, stand side by side, and ask me what the hell was going on.

"Tim, just what are you trying to prove? Get out of those clothes right this minute, and I mean it!"

Feeling myself shrink under dad's tirade, I almost did what he said, but managed to hold my ground. "You have always held up miss perfect as an example, telling me what she could do and always telling me to be more like her. Well, I finally figured out what the problem was dad! I have to dress like her if I'll have any kind of support from you, which is what I did while you were gone! Like it?" That last remark had dad almost at the brink of trashing my day.

"You get your little butt to your room and change this instant young man!"

Dad was closer to the brink than ever before, yet I was also stubborn. "No. I kind of like wearing a skirt dad. You should try it." My bravado was really sheer anger and fear mixed in with a dash of stubbornness, and as dad grew more and more angry, I became entrenched in my position, neither of us willing to give an inch, although I didn't want to wear skirts, and he didn't want to trash me. I sat there as we developed a stalemate, only my mother there to stop any mayhem that might erupt. She had been silent, yet I saw in her eyes a sort of smile, a smile that I ignored while I focused on dad.

We were at a standstill, and while dad was turning a shade of purple and I was shaking under it all, I stood up, and went back to my room. I did not change, I couldn't, but I couldn't face dad any more. I looked in the mirror again and saw a different person yet again. Now I was a boy in a skirt wearing bad makeup. Glum, and angry, I sat on the bed with no way to vent any more. I had struck out as hard as I could, but I wasn't sure that I won anything. Almost half an hour later, mom knocked on my door, then came in.

"That was some display" she said, "You shocked your father you know. Now he doesn't know what to do."

"Good" I said, "maybe he'll get off my back."

"Oh, he got the message alright, the big question is will he." Mom paused, then had me stand up. "Would you like to see how you would look if you were fixed up right?"

"Fixed up right?" I asked, not getting it at first.

""Sure" mom said, "Let me help you with your hair and makeup, and we can see how you would look if you were a girl."

"Why?"

"Because if we do this, then your father will see what a beautiful young girl you can be, which will also show him that you aren't the same as the other boys."

"Mom, I only did this because he never lets up!"

"I know that Tim, but you started this, so why not let me help you? If you do this right, and act the part of course, your father might give up on the sports. Neither of us will give up on the grades, but you know that anyway, so why don't we try it? Just for fun."

With mom urging me on, and since I was already dressed in a skirt, I gave in, and allowed her to redo almost everything. It took about an hour. Mom started by helping me undress, then she had me wash off the makeup and wet my hair. Standing there in those low heels and pantyhose was strange, but I let mom have her way, and soon I was at Megan's vanity once again, sitting there as mom used a blow dryer and a curling iron on my hair, leaving it all curly and fluffy when she started in on my makeup. Like me, she started with the foundation, but she used a lot less than I did, then she patted my face with powder, only brushing it off when it started to look blotchy. I have to admit that if she stopped right there, I would have looked just fine. She did my eyes in a soft plum with blue and gray over that, which she blended with her finger, then handed me the eyeliner. Under each eye she had me use a black pencil, then, on my lashes, black mascara. It was scary just how different I looked.

Mom finished doing my hair, making it higher and fuller, with bangs the curled down to my eyes. She sprayed a lot of hairspray on it, then handed me a soft red lipstick that was almost pink in color. I drew it on my lips, then watched as she clipped on a pair of pink and gold earrings. Next she padded the bra with some shoulder pads of hers. I went to pick up the same skirt I had worn before, but mom said no, and picked out the pink dress I had seen earlier, slipped it over my head, then zipped it up. As I looked in the mirror, I saw that the hem of the dress was at least mid thigh on me, leaving an awful lot of my legs showing! Mom merely smiled at me as she slipped the necklace around my neck, made the clasp, and spritzed me with the perfume again, only this time on my wrists and neck. Stuck in front of the mirror, I didn't see mom get another pair of shoes out of the closet, but when she nudged me, I slipped them on and stood there. I truly didn't look anything like a boy in a dress! As I stood there staring, mom took my hand in hers, and pulled me to her.

"We have always told you kids to do things right or don't do them. This is the right way Tim…if you want to look like a girl that is."

"I never said that I wanted to be a girl mom, I only did it to get dad's attention."

"I know that honey, and it worked, but now is the time to make your point stick, and looking like you do now, well, I think he'll get the picture."

"What about you mom? I mean, you were pushing me pretty hard too, so what happened?"

"Mom thought a moment, then said, "well, I was only pushing you kids to get good grades, but sports are very important to your father, and I got sucked into it I guess. When I saw you downstairs, all dressed up, I realized just how foolish we had been. Now, lets go make ourselves a quick lunch."

I followed mom, no longer teetering in the low heels, and with a smile, walked right past dad and into the kitchen. Mom and I made a sandwich lunch, then she made a plate for dad, handed it to me, and told me to take it to him. With a grin, I took the plate, walked into the familyroom, handed dad his plate, then walked out, swaying my hips a little was I walked away from him. He never said a word, and neither did I. Mom and I ate in the kitchen and were cleaning up when there was a knock at the back door. I never once gave any thought about how I was dressed, reacting in a reflex when I opened the door. My friend Emma stood there, a question written on her face.

"Ummmm…hi. Is Tim here?"

Mom walked over and stood behind me even as I realized that Emma had not recognized me, and the weight of how I was dressed quickly sank in.

"Hi Emma, come in" mom said, "this is…Katherine. Kathy, this is Emma."

Emma stepped inside, and I stood there, frozen in place, afraid to say a word, but mom took me off the hook right away.

"Emma, this is really Tim, but things happened today, and well, he ended up like this, so don't take it out on him."

Emma looked at me, then smiled broadly. "Just how could I be mad at a guy I've know all my life, that gets himself all dressed up as a girl, and turns out looking better than I do! Hell, he looks better than most of my friends!" She turned to face me. "Kathy huh? Well, I came over to see if you wanted to go to the mall and stroll around. Want to go?"

"I have to change first, but yeah, I'd like that."

"Change? Are you kidding or what!? You stay just like you are now! In fact, come to my house with me and I change into something that matches you! This will be great Kathy! I'll finally have another girl to walk around with!"

I had never wanted anyone to see me this way, and certainly no ambition to even leave the house, especially dressed this way, and said so! Mom said it wouldn't matter since nobody would ever recognize me, and Emma told me to think of it as the best adventure I had ever gone on. My mind was screaming at me to say no way, but, if I stayed home, I would have to face dad again. I would rather have had a root canal than let dad start ragging on me again, yet I was rooted to the spot, unable to find the courage to leave with Emma, or stay home and face my dad. Either one would settle the matter once and for all, but which one? Mom settled it when she left the room, only to return a few minutes later with a white shoulder bag, telling me that she had put my wallet, some tissue, the lipstick, and $20 in my purse, then handed it to me! As I slipped the strap on my shoulder, mom told me to be a "good girl" and to "have fun". Then Emma took my hand, and I found myself outside where the whole world could see me! I struggled with the urge to run back in the house, and almost did, but Emma held my arm, steering me towards the street, then her house.

"Emma….I can't do this! What if someone recognizes me? I'll be dead meat forever!"

"Tell you what" she said, "if my mom recognizes you, then you go home and I'll never bring it up again. But if she doesn't, will you admit that you look just fine? Then come with me, and try to act like a girl?"

"Your mom" I said smiling" has known me since birth Emma, she'll know who I am the minute I set foot in your house, so yes, I agree. If your mom doesn't recognize me, then I will stroll the mall with you, and act as much like a girl as I can. Is that good enough?"

"You bet!" she said as we walked up her driveway. I was certain her mother would see right through the makeup and hair, and cry out my name, but she didn't, and I was introduced to her as Kathy as Emma dragged me to her bedroom. Once in her room Emma quickly stripped off her top, slid of jeans to her ankles, and stood there facing me, grinning. I had never seen a naked girl before, and seeing her naked like that made my male hormones start to kick in. As she picked out a dress I began to see the possibilities in being able to look like a girl, and none of them were bad at all! Naked girls? Of course I was getting more and more interested in dressing as a girl! It took her about half an hour to change, then we left her house, headed for the mall. On the way I got a lecture on how to walk, and how to hold my arms, bent at the elbow mostly. It felt weird at first, but I got used to it, and by the time we reached the mall, staying in step with Emma was easy.

The door opened, and I found myself inside the mall, on a Saturday night, with my friend Emma. We both knew that a lot of kids hung out at the mall, and that's what scared me the most. But I had lost the bet, and with visions of a half naked Emma searing my tiny brain, I followed her lead as she headed for the dress department. Having no idea what to do, I simply followed along, watching as she looked at this and that, then, all at once she held up a dress and almost shouted at me.

"Kathy! This dress is you! You have to try it on!"

Trying to hide in the racks of dresses did no good, and Emma swept me into a changing booth, helped me unzip the dress, and soon, I was ensconced in a black sun dress that I had to admit, did look good on me. I changed back, and held the dress in my arms while we looked around some more. The dress was on sale, only $10.99, and carried away with the success I was having, and on an impulse, I bought the dress. Smirking, Emma and I went to the lingerie shop, staring at items made for fuller women, sexy bras, sheer teddies that hid nothing, yet looked great. Emma and I both had on an A cup bra, and besides, those things were made for older women, not teen girls. From there we entered the mall at large, and just wandered around. I have to say that after the incident with trying on the dress, and seeing how I looked, just one more time, I became more confident, finding myself relaxing and being more myself. Emma and I had a pop, then hit the stores again, seeing some kids we both knew, then we passed one of those free ear piercing places. Emma knew I was wearing clips, and wanted me to get my ears pierced, but when I wondered how I would hide them, when she told me that If I didn't use them, the holes would heal up. That's when I picked out a pair of those dangly gold ones, and let the girl pierce each ear. I couldn't even feel the earrings moving, yet I knew they were, and that's when I understood why girls did it.

"You like being a girl".

"What?" I asked, pretending that I had not heard Emma.

"You heard me Kathy. You like being a girl, and I think that you found out today."

"I…I…"

"I think it's great myself, so quit worrying about it."

Just then we saw four of the guys we go to school with walking towards us. Three of them were the most popular in school and the fourth was close behind. Emma had a crush on Mike, and it showed every time he was anywhere around her, and of course, he was one of the guys. They stopped, so of course, we did too. I stood there with my hands tightly gripped in front of me, silent yet forcing a smile so they wouldn't see my fear, hoping that they would not recognize me. Mike took Emma's hand, and I thought she was going to faint.

"Hi!" He said, "you girls just shopping or are you open for something else?"

"Hi Mike" Emma managed to blurt out, this is Kathy. She's new around her."

Mike took my hand in his and gave me his best smile, then introduced the guys, who I already knew, but couldn't admit. All of them smiled at me, but Steven, well, he turned it on full blast when I looked at him. They wanted to go somewhere else, and I knew Emma wanted to go, but she glanced at me, then said no. Mike then offered to walk around with us, which turned out to e what happened. Bill and Greg slipped away, leaving just the four of us. Emma and mike were holding hands, talking to each other, leaving me with Steven. I was afraid to even open my mouth. But as we walked along, I eventually felt his hand take mine, which made me want to jerk it away, but I didn't. Emma and I went into another lingerie shop, and of course the guys stayed outside, which gave me a chance to talk to Emma.

"Steve is holding my hand!" I said, half in fear.

"I know! Mike also thinks you're real cute! Don't worry about it so much!" I started to say something, then…"Think of it this way Kathy, just how many people would ever guess the truth is you're holding Steve's hand? It's the perfect cover! Besides, it's not like we're going to go necking or anything, it's just a walk at the mall. He likes you, so go with it!"

Emma was right, and I did my best to calm down. In the lingerie shop Emma found a rack of padded pantybriefs, then noticed they were on sale, $6.99. "Old stock" the sign said, and handed me one. The use was clear, and I bought it, then, with Emma urging me on, I went into the changing booth and put it on over the my pantyhose, and all at once, I had a better shape. The dress I had on looked better, and it gave me a rounder shape. Steven said that I looked better, and whatever it was that I bought, I should buy more of them! He didn't have a clue why I looked different, only that I did.

As the time to close drew near, the boys offered to walk us home, and Emma agreed, but I wasn't about to let them walk me home, so we both went to her house. At the door, Mike kissed Emma, then Steven spun me around and placed his lips on mine. I broke away and ran in the house, followed quickly by Emma. Panting, I waited until they were out of sight, said goodnight to Emma, and left for the short walk to my house, the bags containing my new dress and the remains of the packaging in my hand. I never gave it a thought as I went in the house, only to see my dad standing there.

"Have a good time….KATHY?" He almost spit out the words, then he saw the names on the bags, and asked me what I bought. "What did you buy in a dress shop and a lingerie store? Show me."

There wasn't any way I wanted to open either bag, my impulsively buying a dress and a padded pantybrief would send him the wrong message, which I didn't need, but there wasn't anywhere for me to go, and as his eyes bored into me, I would have swallowed a live frog right then rather than open the bags, but, under his stern gaze, I slowly opened the bags. Dad dragged out the dress, held it up, then pulled out the packaging.

"At least you're trying to do it right. I can see for myself that your hips are fuller. I always said do it right or not at all, and this seems to be the right thing, if you're going to be a girl I guess, but the dress? Did you pick it out yourself?" I nodded my head, wanting to say it was an impulse, just to fit in better, but couldn't talk. "Looks nice. Show me tomorrow, and lets see what kind of girl you are."

With that, I went to my room. I never saw mom until I was almost in my room. She saw the bags, but said nothing, and unzipped my dress and told me to clean up and go to bed. As I lay there I thought about what had happened that day. My rebellion had led to me being in a skirt, then a dress, which led to my trip to the mall, then Steven kissing me, and finally, the worst possible thing. Dad wanted to see me wearing the sundress the next day! His words, "doing it right" hung out there, waiting for some action on my part, but what? I was confused and scared, not of dad, he yells a lot but has never struck either Megan or myself, but of what might happen in the morning. Since I had started this whole thing by wearing a skirt, it was all my doing. My mind was clouded by all sorts of visions, then it hit me like a brick on the noggin. Dad wanted me to do my very best, so I would! I would rock him back on his heels so hard that he would get off my case! With a smile, I lay down and fell asleep.

I never felt better than the next day when I woke up, and right at breakfast, asked mom if she could help me with something when we were done. She said yes, and within the hour I was out of my bath with nothing but a towel on. Mom stood there, not saying a word, then…

"You father told me about the dress you bought, may I see it?" I took it out of my closet and held it up. "Very nice! Now, what is it you want to do, exactly?"

Well, I told her, in great detail. It wasn't like I wanted to dress as a girl or anything, but I had to prove my point, using dad's rules, or I would forever be on the short end of things. Mom sat on the bed, and for the first time ever, I saw her cry! She quickly stopped, and wouldn't tell me why she started to cry, then, with a grin, she stood up, and my transformation began, starting with a pair of brand new panties!

"They're new Kathy, but not new like I bought this stuff yesterday. I bought them for Megan, then she outgrew them almost overnight, and I never threw them away. Why don't you turn around and do something about that bulge? You'll look less like a boy that way."

Mom never mentioned the fact that there was no hair on my arms or legs. I tucked myself, then mom took me to Megan's room again, then started in on my hair. When it came to makeup, mom told me that I would have to do it myself, so drawing from memory, I began with the foundation followed by the powder. The eyes were the tricky part, but with mom coaching me, and using different colors, I managed pretty well. Instead of using blue, mom had me use a very pale green right on the edge of my upper lid with a soft rose over that. Then I did the eyeliner, pencil and mascara bit before I used a coral blusher on my cheeks. When mom said that was enough, I stood up to go back to my own room, but mom told me to stay, and put out the padded pantybrief I had bought, a new bra, the pantyhose, then something new. A wide elastic band that had hooks up the front.

"Like the panties" mom said, "this is brand new, but it never did fit Megan. Lets try it on, shall we?"

The bra fit me really good, and mom only had to make a few adjustments, like changing the straps from shoulder style to one that circled my neck. I expected to stuff the cups with her shoulder pads again, but she held out two quivering flesh colored blobs. I took one in my hand, almost dropping it because it felt so much like skin. As I put one into each cup, mom explained that a lot of girls use them when the boob fairy came late, or didn't stay long. I didn't ask why Megan needed them. Then came the padded pantybrief, what I learned was a waist nipper, then the pantyhose. Standing up, mom slipped the sundress over my head, pulled it down, then zipped it up. Since the dress was sleeveless, it had a single band that was attached on one side, went around my neck, then down to attach to the other side of the dress, which is why she adjusted the straps on the bra top match.

I stepped into the low black heels and looked in the mirror for a moment, then mom and I went to the vanity again, and she finished doing my hair, but this time she made it fluffier on top, with my bangs holding a bigger curl. On the sides, all she could do with it was brush it down and forward a little. Then came the mega hold hairspray, which, mom said, would hold my hair in place, even in a high wind! I now looked like a girl, and I couldn't help but smile. Dad would have the big one when he saw me. Mom slipped some black and gold earrings into the new holes, made the fastener, then put the matching necklace around my neck. I was sure that I was done, but mom suggested that I go a bit further, and do my nails. How could I say no by then? She filed and shaped a couple of my nails, then told me to do the others the same way, and she would show me how apply the polish. When we were done, all of my nails were a soft reddish pink that glistened in the light. While I waited for the polish to dry, mom spritzed me with perfume, dug out a black purse, and moved all my stuff into it.

At last, she told me to look in the mirror, and when I did, I was more shocked than I was the day before! My legs were exposed almost to mid thigh, the skirt portion of the dress flared out over my new hips while the material hugged my waist then swelled over my chest, the twin mounds of my new breasts prominent in that dress. From my heels to my hair, there wasn't one thing to say I was a boy, and with every movement of my hands, the flash of red reminded me just how feminine I looked. Even my thin arms looked perfect on me, and the pantyhose had turned what I thought of as knobby legs into shapely pillars wrapped in tan nylon. I glanced at mom who handed me the lipstick. I drew the red on my lips, smacked my lips, and smiled at my reflection. Dad was going to have a cow, on that there wasn't any doubt, and best of all, I was doing my very best, which was his rule. Grinning, I picked up my purse, opened the door, and stepped out.

I had all sorts of emotions pushing me in different directions, but fear was no longer one of them. My fear of failure had washed away as I became Katherine one more time. I knew I could do it, then dad demanded to see me in this dress, and with mom's help, I had followed the rules of the house. I was sure that dad would finally get the message that I wasn't much bigger than your average girl, and sports meant nothing to me. With mom behind me, I walked down the stairs and into the familyroom. Dad looked up, then jumped to his feet almost at once when he saw me.

"Damned!" he said, the moved closer. "You look very nice! I never expected that you would…I mean, I saw you last night of course, and you looked nice then to, but now…" He saw my pierced ears, and his eyes went wide. "Pierced ears? Isn't that going a bit far? Then he saw the gentle swell of the tops of my breasts, and drew in a deep breathe. "Boobs too!? Just how did you manage to…never mind, I don't think I want to know!" He stepped back, looked me over from head to toe, then said, "Okay, you win! No more sports I guess. You can go change now."

"No" I said without thinking. "It takes a lot of work to do this, and I'm going to stay like this for a while. Maybe I'll walk over and see Emma."

"I see" dad said, "then maybe, since you seem to want to remain as a girl, I want you home by four. We are going out to dinner tonight, and I insist that you go, dressed just as you are, and since you seem to be saying that you want to dress this way, that should not be to much to ask. Go to Emma's if you like, but be home by four."

I had managed to provoke dad into finally seeing the truth, then I blew it. Before I said anything else and he made it worse than it already was, I left, right out the front door, in broad daylight, with a bunch of our neighbors all around me. Holding my head up, I walked down the street to Emma's house and rang the bell. Her mother answered the door.

"Oh! Hi Kathy! Your mother just called and said you would be over, let me get Emma."

Mom called her? She knew who I really was? It was going from merely terrible to disastrous! I waited in their familyroom for a minute, then Emma showed up, wearing almost the same dress I had on! Hers was blue, but they were almost alike! Her hair was a mess, and she didn't have any makeup on, so she waved me into her bedroom, then shut the door.

"I knew it! You just couldn't put that dress in your closet, I knew that you would wear it, which is why I picked out this one to wear, it almost matches….like sisters!"

"It wasn't like that Emma."

"Right" she said as she sat at her vanity. "Now tell me…how good a kisser is Steven?"

I ignored her question, merely watching as she fixed her hair, then did her makeup. While I sat there I wondered why, if her mother knew who I was, did she let me into Emma's room, with the door shut? When Emma was done, we went to her familyroom just in time to hear the phone ring, and we both stopped to listen. Hearing only one side of the conversation, we were not able to figure out what was said.

"Hi? Oh! Hi! Yes, she's here, yes, Emma is all dressed……why yes! I'm sure she would like that! What? Of course! What a wonderful idea….yes…okay, we'll be here."

Turning to us, she told us that my mother would be over with the car in a few minutes, and we should just wait there, then she went to get changed. Emma and I sat there for about twenty minutes, wondering what was going on. Then my mom rang the bell and Emma's mother showed up just about then. Mom told me that she had convinced my dad that the dress I had on was not proper for a dinner out, and persuaded him to let her buy me another one, then they had invited Emma and her mother to join us for dinner! With mom leading the way, we all got in the car, and she drove us to the really large mall across town. On the way…

"You girls" mom said, "look so much alike that you could be sisters, did you know that?" We nodded our heads yes, then, "Well, I was wondering if you would like to get matching dresses, in different colors, with shoes to match? Maybe some earrings as well. I know that Kathy needs to get some more jewelry anyway, and…well, we can decide when we get there."

I had no idea what was going on, but mom was talking as if I were a girl, buying me jewelry, new dresses, shoes to match, a new bra and a package of panties! The tirade I went on to prove a point was escalating out of control, and I didn't know how to stop it, or worse, if I did want to stop it. Just two days in a dress, and I already liked the way I looked! I looked less a gangly, uncoordinated boy, and more a nice looking girl with a nice figure. I didn't think I was that pretty, maybe cute in a way, but deep inside, I knew that I had the feeling that I had found out something scary, and while I didn't want to admit it, Emma had picked up on it right away. I sat back in the seat, wondering just how far this would go, and if I could ever stop it. I had to go to school the next day, so I would be my wearing my usual uniform of jeans and a tee, but in my closet, I would have some dresses hanging there.

Fear of failure. Sounds dismal doesn't it? My mother was the one that pushed us to get good grades, and simply would not accept less than better than average from either my sister or myself. Somehow, Maybe because of how I was dressed, I suddenly realized what she meant! Fear of failure means that you never even try, which, for mom, was failure defined! I was beginning to feel that I was almost as much a girl as Emma, and more, all at once, I was no longer afraid to admit it, even to myself! I grinned to myself! When I looked over at Emma, she was smiling at me. She patted my hand, squeezed it, then smiled with me. I'm sure that she knew what I had discovered.

Once inside the mall, mom and made a beeline for the jewelry store, where I picked out 12 pairs of earrings, some necklaces, and a few bracelets. Mom, not saying a word, paid the bill, which was about $15, then we joined Emma and her mother as we strolled into one of those lingerie stores Emma and I had looked into the other day. Mom pulled me aside, then….

"Since you bought all those earrings, can I assume that we will be seeing more of Kathy after today?"

"I don't know mom. I guess I like it, but I don't know why. I just do, and if I can, then yes, you'll probably see a lot of Kathy…unless dad says no."

Mom smiled at me, that sort I understand but don't get it smile she has, then said, "I'll take care of your father Kathy, but right now we, you and I together, need to decide just how far we should go with this. Myself, I was thinking a couple of nice bras, some more panties, and maybe another one of those padded pantybriefs you have. We'll have to wash it sooner or later, so it makes sense to have two of them. We should also see about some better breast forms, but we'll put that on hold for now. Lets get you fitted for the bras and take care of the rest as we go along. After I talk to your father we can figure out what to do, but lets plan ahead just a little and get the items I mentioned. Okay?"

"Sure mom, and thanks."

Well, I got the new bras, some more panties, another padded pantybrief, just like mom said, plus, two new nightgowns and a robe. From there we went to a makeup shop where Emma and I were treated to a complete makeover, which dramatically changed the way we looked. As strange as it sounds, even to me, I never felt better in all my life! Once the emotional confusion had passed, that little fog of denial and the inner torment I was suffering from lifted away, I was able to admit that I liked to dress as a girl. My fathers incessant prodding, nagging and plain meanness had finally reached a peak, and I rebelled. Dressing as a girl was the only way I had to make him stop, which had led to my being in the mall with my mother, buying lingerie and so on, for me. Then, after they were done with me at the cosmetics shop, where I was made to look just as pretty as any girl I knew, the reality settled in, and with one look in the mirror, I knew that I could not give up being Kathy every single chance I would have.

Emma and were treated to a small package of the things they used on us, then we went to one of those party dress stores, and began the hunt for the perfect dress. New to it, I let mom guide me through the intricate sizing, styles, lengths and colors, until I found it, the perfect dress. It was royal blue, really a cocktail dress. It had two straps to hold it up, a skirt that flared out at the hip, and seemed to be about an inch above my knee. Emma saw the one I had picked out, and found another, identical to mine, but in a plum color. She and I, with our mothers following, went in the back and tried on the dresses. As I undressed I began to feel less and less like a girl, especially when Emma simply stripped her clothes off, right down to her bra and pantyhose. I did the same, then both of tried on the dresses, our mothers agreed on the fit, and we put our own clothes back on.

As mom paid for my dress, Emma and I waited by the front door.

"I wondered how you managed to get hips and a cute butt overnight…now I know!"

Smiling, I said, "Yeah, just don't let me fall down! With all that foam rubber back there I'll just bounce right back up!"

Our mothers joined us, handing each of us our dress to carry. We bought shoes and clutch bags to match the dresses, then, on the way out, mom stopped in the casual girls area of a department store, and picked up a pair of girls jeans for me. Then we went home. Dad wasn't there, and I took everything to my room, once again hanging the dress in my closet. I tried on the jeans, and saw the way they fit me, which was so different than what I was used to. I left them on, then stayed in my room playing on the computer.

Late in the afternoon mom came to my room and told me it was time to get ready, telling me to take a bubblebath, handing me a small bottle just before she left the room. The water smelled like flowers, and made my skin feel really slick and soft to the touch, the scent staying with me as I stepped out of the tub. I really didn't want to redo my hair or makeup, so I was extra careful not to get it wet. In my room I pulled on the panties, then pulled on one of the new bras, one with a front hook. It was a bit tight as I pulled the fasteners together, but that same tightness pulled my chest together, and my own flesh moved into the cups, creating a small but definite breast! I pushed the forms under my own skin and was rewarded with a full cup that exposed at least a portion of my own skin, and made it look as if I had breasts of my own! Grinning at my reflection, I sat on the bed to put on the pantyhose.

The padded pantybrief was next, then I slipped the new dress over my head, and for the first time, managed to zip it up myself. My feet went into the shoes easily, then, at the mirror, I adjusted things so that my newfound cleavage was modestly displayed. If dad was thinking that he was going to force me into dresses, he was in for a big shock, because as an issue, it was over. I was gladly wearing the dress, and I liked it, which made now the time to push him to the limit. I did everything I could in that direction when I adjusted the dress. Just when I thought I was done mom came in, a small box in her hand.

"I was wondering if you would let me make a few alterations to the dress?"

"Sure" I said, not sure what she had in mind.

As I watched her, she folded the top edge of my bustline down, pinning it that way. When she was done I was displaying more than just a modest amount of cleavage, it looked like I was falling out of the dress! Mom and then picked out the right earrings, which she said were pearls, with a choker necklace to match. Then the perfume again, and finally, I touched up my lipstick. I looked just like a girl in every way, and I could not help but smile.

" I had a talk with dad. When he saw you in that black sundress he almost had a heart attack, because he didn't think it was possible for you to look so much like a girl. He always saw you as some hulking young boy, not the boy that couldn't care less about sports, and didn't want to play, until that moment. That's why he is trying to embarrass you by making you wear a dress to dinner tonight, but, he also told me that he will accept the obvious, depending on what happens tonight. If nobody figures out you're a boy, then he will quit nagging you. Also, you cannot deny us as your parents. But if someone does figure out that you are a boy, then you have to join at least one team. I told him he was going to lose, and I also made him promise not to give you away by word or deed. He will refer to you as our daughter, by name, if anyone asks. Is that okay with you?"

"You bet!" I said, knowing that I had it in the bag.

One dinner, and I would be home free! That's when I realized why mom had altered my dress. She wanted me to be able to be myself! I hugged her tightly, then changed purses before she and I walked down the stairs. Dad stood there waiting, and when he saw me he went very still. With my purse in my right hand, I stood there, my knees locked together, smiling rather than showing fear. I felt like some small bug pinned to a board the way he looked me over, but his eyes stopped when he got to my bosom, lingered, then he motioned to the door, all without a word. Mom held me by the arm as we walked out, and when I looked at her, she was smiling. We picked up Emma and her mother, then dad took us to the restaurant.

Emma and I did look a lot like sisters, with our short hair and similar dresses, and that made dad stare at both of us. We were seated, our meal served, then, after dinner, Emma and I were allowed to have a small glass of wine. I had the glass to my lips when I saw Steven coming towards our table, with Mike close behind him. I nudged Emma, then gulped hard. According to the agreement, I could not deny my parents, which meant that the minute I introduced them, both Steven and Mike would assume that I was a girl, which they did anyway, but with an introduction, any and all doubt would be removed! Steven walked up and said hi to me, his smile wide, his eyes riveted on me.

"Hi Steven. This is my mom and dad, mom, dad, this is Steven."

Dad shook his hand, unable to miss the way Steven was looking at me, especially my chest. Neither did mom. Emma introduced her parents, then the guys went back to the table, leaving me quaking inside. Not scared, I wasn't afraid of being discovered, certainly not then, but the idea that Steven would find out where I lived gave me the chills. How hard would it be for him to add up Tim with Kathy once he knew where I lived, and thought that I was a girl? My life, which I had yanked back from my dad, looked like it was in ruins. Mom put her hand over mine and gave it a pat, then dad took us home.

I undressed alone, wondering how I was going to get out of this mess. I had done what dad said, nobody recognized me, and I had not denied them as my parents. All that meant was that dad would get off my case about sports. Worse, and I was guessing, the way Steven looked at me, I would be hearing from him, and it wouldn't be that far in the future. I removed my nail polish, making sure that all traces of the polish were gone, then took a shower to wash away the perfume, makeup and the set in my hair. Wearing one of my new nightgowns, I went to bed, and found a fitful sleep.

I went to school the next day, confident that nobody, especially mike or Steven would not recognize me, yet I was on pins and needles every time I was around them. Emma said that I should relax. Easy for her to say! Steven called me on Wednesday night. Dad answered the phone, then handed it to me with a smirk on his face. I did my best to sound like a teen girl, all while my dad listened. Then Steven asked me out for Friday night! He said it would be a double date, me and him, Emma and Mike. He said they would take us to the show. I didn't know how to answer him! I was at a complete loss, so I told him to call me the next day, since I would have to ask my parents. When I hung up I was soaking wet.

"He" dad said, "asked you out, didn't he?" I nodded my head yes, and dad sat back in his chair. "I agreed to get off your back about joining a team" dad went on, "maybe I was wrong in that, but dressing as a girl was all your idea, and I'll even admit that you are just a pretty as your sister, maybe even more. But I will not help you out of the fix you've gotten yourself into. If this boy thinks that you're a girl, then you have to tell him the truth or cope with the consequences. Your mother tells me that you like dressing as a girl, so we have decided to give you the chance to work this out all on your own. How you do it is up to you, but I'll remind you that no matter what you decide to do, you had better do it all the way or not at all. If dressing as a girl is what you want to do, then do it right. If you plan to tell Steven the truth, don't hold anything back, give him all of it. Anything less will be unacceptable in either case. Is that clear enough?"

"Yes sir" I said, and went to my room to hide.

Dad had made it crystal clear. If I wanted to be a girl, he would let me, in fact he insisted on it, but I had to be the best girl I could be! Did that mean I would go to school as a girl? What about the rest of the family? If I decided to quit, then I would have to tell Steven, which would mean everyone in school would know! It was just about the worst thing that could happen to me, and dad left it all up to me! I could be a loner, shut out of everything from then until I graduated, or become a girl! While I readily admitted that I liked it, I never planned on being a girl full time, and wasn't sure that I wanted to do that! Part time was just fine with me, but I couldn't see how that would work. I mean, if I went out with Steven, then he would call more often, I would probably be asked out some more, and that meant meeting kids that already knew me! My Fear of Failure index was just about ready to blast off the chart when mom came in and sat on the bed next to me.

"Your dad told you didn't he?" I nodded my head yes, then burst into tears. "He's right you know. You started this girl thing all on your own. I only bought you those clothes as a test, to see just how far you were willing to go, and you went pretty far Tim. You even told me that you liked dressing as a girl. Did you think that I wouldn't tell him what you told me? Just how did you think he would react when he found out?"

"But the way dad put it" I cried, "means that I'll have to become a girl almost all of the time, or tell everyone! Do you know what that would do to me? I'll be the laughing stock of the school if I don't have the stuffing kicked out of me!"

"We understand that you're afraid honey, but look at it this way. Emma is a girl, I'm a girl, and half the population are girls, and we get along just fine. Wearing a skirt is not the end of the world Tim, it might be just the beginning of a great life for you."

"But I can't just disappear one day and come back the next as a girl mom! People aren't that stupid! They would know!"

"Just what is it they would know?"

"That Kathy is Tim in a dress!"

"Maybe this year they would, but what about next year? Summer break is just a month away isn't it?" Again, I nodded my head yes, knowing what she was going to say. "Well…you could, if that's what you decide, become Kathy during the summer. That way everyone would get used to seeing you around, and then, when school starts again in the fall, you could enroll as Kathy. Unless, that is, you decide to tell Steven the truth, and face the consequences." Mom was no help at all. "Let me know what you decide. By the way, are you going out with Steven on Friday night?"

"I…I don't know yet. I'm not sure mom. If I say yes, then I'm stuck…isn't that right?"

"It would seem like it. Now go to bed and think about it."

I had a restless night and worse three days as I struggled with my inability to make up my mind. My mom and dad steadfastly refused to help me make the decision, and as the time drew closer that Steven would call me, I walked over to see Emma. I poured out my problem, hoping she would help me. Instead, all she said was that she was looking forward to having Kathy around all of the time, and besides, she thought Steven was cute! At home I spent time staring at my few dresses, the jewelry, the shoes, and finally, the two pictures I had taken of myself as Kathy. I wanted to dress as a girl all of the time, only my fading masculinity kept me from admitting that. If I said I wanted to be a girl, how would dad react? Would I become less than a person? Would he treat me like he did Megan? Or would he completely ignore me? My questions were piling up, while I had no answers. On Thursday morning at school I saw a bunch of girls standing together, just watching the boys. Steven walked by, and almost all of them stared at him! "But he is mine" leapt out of the depths of my mind, and I realized that I was jealous! That's when I made up my mind, or rather, my mind told me the answer.

When Steven called I was a sweet as I could be, bubbly and eager but not pushy, and accepted his date, then with mom and dad watching, I went to my room to pick out what I would wear the next night. I did not wait to see their reaction, and quite frankly, didn't care any more. I had made my decision, just like they told me to, so they had to do what mom said they would do. I had to go into my sisters room to find something I liked, since my supply of clothes wasn't that great. I picked out a black skirt, and found a fuzzy pink top to wear. I didn't bother looking around, but took the clothes to my room and hung them in my closet.

The next day I raced home, then took my time becoming Kathy once more. The short skirt that exposed my legs to mid thigh, the fuzzy pink top that accepted my breasts, the makeup, perfume and nail polish all combined to tell me that I had made the right decision. I let Steven kiss me when we got to my house, then I went in, feeling as if I didn't want to wait until school was out. I wanted to be a girl right then. My Fear of Failure index was none existent, because I no longer had any fear. I had proved to myself that I had been right. I wanted to be a girl, and now I was.

The next day, when I got up, I did my hair, put on a little makeup, then my bra, my new jeans and that same pink top before I went down for breakfast. Dad was there, and the very first thing out of his mouth was that he wanted me to move into Megan's room!

"It's all set up for a girl, there are some clothes that you might be able to use, and it's bigger. Do it today Kathy."

Right after we ate, I began to clean up Megan's room, then moved all my girls clothes back into the closet along with some of my own clothes. I still had almost three weeks of school left, and no matter how I felt, I would have to go as Tim. It took almost all day for me to straighten things out, and move things the way I wanted them. Then I flopped on the bed. I was tired since nobody had helped me all day. Then the door popped open and in walked Emma, with my sister! Megan and I stared at each other for a minute, then she hugged me tightly.

"You look a little ragged Kathy! Cute, but ragged."

"I've been moving into your old room. Dad said it was made for a girl, and told me to."

"That's okay, I doubt if I'll be back, and if I am, I can sleep in your old room." Megan asked Emma and I if we wanted to have a girls night out, and of course, we both said yes. "Okay! You girls get cleaned up. Wear a skirt or something nice, and we'll go have dinner somewhere nice, then maybe cruise the mall. We'll leave at 6…okay?" Emma and I both said yes, then Emma and Megan left.

Megan took us to dinner, then we hit the mall, just my best friend, my sister and I. I never had so much fun. Megan was a lot more understanding than I thought she would be, and told us over dinner that she also hated the sports thing that dad forced her into. She said that if she could have, she would have forced his hand like I did. We didn't buy much, but we had a great time, and I found a way to talk to Megan like never before. Megan stayed home for the weekend, and I went back to school as Tim, enduring what I saw as torture, every day except the weekends, until school let out and I became Kathy every day, full time. During the first month I learned how to make myself look like a girl, even in a swimsuit, and from then on, I never looked back. That thing with Steven died a sudden death about halfway through the summer, but by then, there wasn't any way I would give up on what I had discovered about myself. I started school in the fall as Kathy, and never once looked back.

Fear of Failure is an ugly thing that will consume you if you don't face it. I did, and found a peace of mind, a peace that made me feel like a whole person, and wearing a dress had nothing to do with that. The dress only signifies what I am, not who I am.

 

© 2001

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