Escaping Fate

by Mardee Louise Prynne

   

It was a damp Sunday afternoon. I had put off studying for exams to go the main library at the end of the park. From there to the art museum a few yards along the parkway. I made it in time to find a seat for the free chamber music concert. The first half was to feature some twentieth century twelve tone music that was still radical and controversial. I had no idea what twelve tone meant nor what it would sound like. Classical music was new to me, something I discovered on my solitary rambling explorations of the city. It was also something that my family discouraged; the didn't want me going 'high hat' they said. "Just go into the family trade. You won't fit in with such people. They'll look down on you… If you must go to college learn to be an accountant or something useful so you can at least take care of the business…Forget all that art and music stuff Wasting your time…Ballet! Just for fags. Modern dance? Even worse, it's so crazy"

My family and I compromised when I finished high school. I was learning the business and planning to college at night while deciding how far I wanted to go with Gina, the bookkeeper in our office. That was two years ago and things hadn't changed much. Working in the family tile business wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be especially with Gina still sending signals that she's available. I was willing to answer her signals only so far. Not that she wasn't really sexy but I knew once we did the deed she would get a ringing in her ears in the form of wedding bells. Like most girls in our neighborhood she had a strong urge to get away form her parents, get out of their house. The only acceptable way to do that was to marry.

It was that afternoon I learned firsthand why so many people despised the twelve tone scale. A lengthy composition by Alvin Berg was on the program. I thought it was awful and a waste of time. I stuck it out but my annoyance must have shown. There was this one kid who was seated nearby who glanced at me with a tolerant smile. I felt a strange stirring each time our eyes met. I was studying the program, grateful that the second half would be early twentieth century music, music I fell in love with and that I could understand. For reasons I couldn't understand I was glad that the girl who smiled at me had returned to her seat as the intermission ended.

That made no sense to me. She was medium height, very slender, and small on top. Older than she appeared at first glance, she was at least a high school junior, maybe even a senior. Not too young for me considering I had just finished high school a few months earlier. Where was my sense? We came from different worlds. What would a kid like that want with a mug like me? Besides, she was the sort of girl that the women in my family would think has 'a condition,' their term for a chronic but non-fatal disease of any kind. Her hands were graceful, delicate even. No makeup nor did she need any. Bermuda shorts, knit polo shirt with what was probably a prep school emblem on the breast, saddle shoes over white ankle socks. A small watch fastened to her wrist by a narrow black suede band and a simple birthstone ring were all the jewelry she wore. Her hair, brown with auburn highlights, was cut short and parted on the left side with bangs that swept across her forehead highlighting her cat green eyes. The back of her hair barely brushed her collar. This girl was clearly comfortable with all kinds of music including hyper-modern twelve tone. It shook my self-confidence but I had to admit that her smile meant my discomfort was amusing her.

She was definitely a class act who had every right to be snobby when confronted with a guy like me, a guy, who despite his pretentiousness, was going to spend his life in the family tile business. I couldn't explain to myself why I was taking such careful mental notes of everything about this little doll seeing how obvious it was that we came from different worlds. I wondered if I would use her as a yardstick against which to measure the gum chewing blue collar girls from my own neighborhood, girls whose academic aspirations were to be good enough to get into the steno pool somewhere or do the bookkeeping in a small business. It's not these girls couldn't be attractive or desirable nor was it a matter of not having money. Some of the local families did very well financially by working with their hands but they were complacent. Lacked imagination and so remained stuck their own narrow world.

It was weird in an other way that I found myself attracted to this skinny little snob when I had no more than a casual interest at all in Gina nor any other of the truly curvaceous neighborhood girls who would have done almost anything to go steady with me as a prelude to getting married to a nice guy who was going to come into a very good business. It occurred to me that it might not be such a bad thing at that. A good looking wife like Gina who would appreciate a husband with a steady income and give me everything I needed was not without a certain appeal. The problem was me; I had ruined things for myself by learning to appreciate and even need culture and the arts. The girls who wanted me weren't able to share that kind of stuff with me and the girls who could would sneer at me like this kid was doing. I felt I had made a fool of myself. Worst of all, my family's advice was turning out to be right.

The concert over, I started to walk up the aisle when I felt a hand grasp my elbow.

I turned to see Miss Snob smiling up at me. "Hi, I'm not usually this forward but you seemed put off when I smiled at you. I guess you thought I was having a laugh at your expense. I wasn't, not really. It's just that I feel so vindicated when that kind of music puzzles people. It may be all clever and very new but art, all art including music must be accessible." Heavy thinking, I noted to myself as she paused for breath. "I just want you to know that I wasn't making fun of you."

That stirring I felt and thought I pushed way was definitely back. I was at a loss for words. Even if Miss Snob had let me get a word in edgewise, I could think of nothing to say.

"Let me make it up to you by buying you a soda or a cup of coffee or something in the cafeteria…No, hey? I guess you have to get on with your day. Anyhow, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for acting like a jerk. You don't have to say a word. That look on your face says your not interested in..."

"No, please. I really am interested. You weren't a jerk at all. It's just that I was kind of surprised that a really classy looking girl like you would even think of talking to someone like me. Anyhow, I'd love to have a cup of coffee with you but only if I treat. I was always taught that the gentleman treats the lady."

"Maybe we should go Dutch. I'm not at all sure I qualify as a lady."

"Come on. You're a really swank kid. Why would you say you're not a lady?"

"I've got my reasons." Her voice had taken on a solemn tone as a fleeting look of sadness clouded her bright green eyes. "Just let it go for now. Okay?"

I didn't think she really wanted me to answer. Maybe she went too far with some guy or else someone got too pushy and she felt bad because he said she was a cock teaser. She looked up at me as we slowly made our way along the crowded aisle toward the exit to the museum galleries. The sadness cleared from her eyes as our fingers brushed. She pressed my hand in hers and let it fall. I was glad we were moving so slowly because I wanted the moment to last.

"By the way, my name is Maddie."

"Really nice to know you Maddie. I'm Mitch. Say, is Maddie short for Madelyn?"

"Madison. It's Mummy's maiden name."

We made our way down to the basement level cafeteria was located so that we had to passing through the gift shop on the way. Maddie stopped to look at some reproduction jewelry, particularly a bronze pendant. The figure was alluring but bizarre. It was a small female figure; a female with large breasts, rounded tummy and full hips. What made it so bizarre was the very obvious penis!

Maddie pointed at it through the case.

"Fascinating, isn't she? Her name's Bast."

"Well, different, anyhow," I agreed. "Maybe even unique."

"Do you really think so?"

"I don't know. Suppose I do. It's just that she's too different from anything I've ever seen . I can't even imagine such a girl with…a girl like that." Somehow I couldn't bring myself to say penis, let alone dick, in front of this very attractive girl.

"Don't you know anything about myths?" She sounded almost accusatory. "Oh, I'm sorry. That came out wrong. Do you know anything about myths?"

"I've been trying to teach myself about the ancient Greek myths. Maybe I'll move on to Roman stuff when I'm done with that."

"Good. Then there's hope for you." Her voice was playful now. "There are other bodies of myth, though. Bast here is Egyptian." She concluded her brief lecture by smiling at me. She squeezed my hand, and went back to looking at the little brass figure.

I know I should have been annoyed at her superior attitude but I was finding it more than a little sexy. Then, as we kept looking at the image of Bast, a really weird thought came to me. Suppose there were girls with pricks; that would weird, weird but kind of interesting.

 

Maddie took a tray and handed it to me. After we selected a couple of pastries, she got a hot chocolate for herself and a coffee for me. She was too quick for me when we reached the cashier. Much to my annoyance she paid before I could pull out my wallet.

"I thought I was going to pay or we were going Dutch."

"You said that. I didn't, so there. Just sit down and let's enjoy our chat."

And enjoy it we did. Her voice, surprisingly mellow for a girl so young and petite, had a musical lilt to it. Maddie had this marvelous way of tilting her head as smiled. A tingle went through me every time she reached across the table and touched my hand with her finger tips. What was perturbing was that she would suddenly pull her fingers away as if she had touched something that was hot, so hot that it burned her.

We stopped in the lobby so Maddie could get her coat and bag from the check room. I held the coat for her as she slipped it on. It was on off white, plaid lined rain coat that was just so in with prep school and ivy league types back in the fifties. She had a bag that she referred to as her dance bag.

"I had class before I came here…" She blanched as she stopped speaking. I turned to look over my shoulder and saw a large neatly dressed man. There was something really tough, even menacing about this guy. Was the hard guy look he projected what upset her or was there more to it than that?

I turned back to Maddie, took her arm and leaned close to her as I spoke. "I'm seeing you home. That is I'd like to see you home."

"Mitch, you don't have to. I can take care of myself. There's really nothing to be concerned about."

"Look, I know we'll probably never see each other again 'cause we come from different worlds and a really swell kid like you doesn't need a mug like me. It's just that I won't feel right if I didn't see you home. And don't tell me otherwise, but that big guy over there, you know something about him and it isn't anything good."

"Okay, Mitch. You're right. Promise me one thing though. If I let you see me home, I want you to promise to stop selling yourself short."

"Okay but tell me one thing. Did you know that hard looking man in there?"

"Oh, him. I didn't realize it showed on my face. He just reminded me of someone I once knew."

That ended any illusion about me being gallant in seeing Maddie home. No reason to complain. My bad read of the incident motivated me enough that I would be spending a little more time with this classy little doll.

We exited the museum onto Eastern Parkway. The sun was starting to burn away the clouds. Maddie reached into her dance bag and took out a beret with a sewn on emblem that matched the one on her polo shirt. That made it clear she did go to some kind of private school.

"I'm sorry I can't drive you home 'cause my car's in the shop." I managed to say it but it came out with awkward hesitation.

"You must think I'm some sort of spoiled brat who can't ride a bus or subway…Here hold this." She thrust her dance bag and pocketbook into my hand. "Be a dear and hold that while I fix my laces."

I watched as she knelt to retie her shoes. Her Bermudas pulled taught over her cutely curved tush to show me some panty lines. No curved seam of the gusset showed. Guess you can't win them all. Get real, Mitch, I told myself. Don't get too attracted to this little lady because she'll only hurt you.

"We can even walk to my house from here. It's not all that long. It'll give some more time to get to know each other but only if you feel up to it. It isn't exactly what you would call a short walk but then again, it isn't too long at all."

Her tone was both playful and challenging. I was about to accept her challenge despite my instinct telling me that the better we got to know each other, the more hurt I would be when it ended which, I was certain, would be pretty close to the start of what little would ever be between us. A moment later the rumble of thunder and a sudden wind made walking a foolish option.

"We're going to be soaked if we walk. I'll take a taxi home." She flagged down a passing taxi and was about to give me a good-bye kiss, so I hoped. Like the gentleman I was aspiring to be, I opened the door of the cab and she threw her dance bag onto the seat and turned to face me. I could just about taste that kiss when I felt her hand on the small of my back. It led me to expect more than a simple good-bye peck on the cheek. It turned out to be a bad assumption, at least for the moment. "Get in the cab…just get in, now."

Maddie's hand on my back half guided me, half pushed me into the cab.

"Just relax. You're not being kidnapped. There's no need for you to get soaked when I can drop you at any subway station. Why do you look so surprised?"

"I dunno. I can't figure you out. First of all a real classy girl like you even bothers to talk to a guy like me, let alone have coffee with me and pay for it on top of everything else. Next thing I know, I'm walking you home and now you say you care that I might get soaked. I just can't understand why an elegant girl like you…"

"Listen, Mitch," she interrupted. "You're good looking, well spoken and attractive. I think it's wonderful that you're getting into the finer, more beautiful things of life on your own. It's just so neat to find a nice guy who is out to find the stuff that makes life special." She pressed my hand in hers before she continued. "And besides, maybe I'm not the girl you see me as. So don't try to figure me out just relax and enjoy the ride."

"Thanks for trying to make me feel better about myself…To be honest…Well, I thought you decided to take a cab because you had second thoughts about me walking you home"

Maddie threw herself into the corner of the cab and glared at me.

"Mitch, the only thing I might have given me second thoughts is how hurt you would feel if you were ever to realize how totally different I am from that 'classy young lady' you think you're seeing."

She paused as a wry smile crossed her features.

"Just for that, Mitch. I'm not dropping you anywhere. You are going to see me home."

I was dumbfounded as she smiled warmly at me. To my further surprise, Maddie put her foot on my lap. Her heavy saddle shoe didn't lessen the thrill as she provocatively stretched her leg.

"Mitch, I really meant what I said about you being hurt if I were to disillusion you. I'm really flattered that you find me so attractive and I'm really attracted to you, too. Don't say it. I can guess what you're thinking. We're from different worlds and opposites attract but it can never work out. You're probably right but that shouldn't stop us from ending our afternoon on a friendly, happy note. Let this be an afternoon we remember as a chance encounter that gave us a few pleasant memories? "

She swung her feet to the floor, slid closer to me, gave me a peck on the cheek and leaned against me. The cab wove its way through a warren of narrow, winding streets through the one of the older sections of town. I stared out the window at some of the older town houses that spoke of old money or at least of new money with taste. Some of the streets had a few businesses that seemed upscale even if they were as ordinary as

groceries or pharmacies.

"A penny for your thoughts." Maddie's soft voice drew me out of my reverie.

"Nice neighborhood."

"It has its points."

The cab stopped in front of what once must have been a very regal townhouse but which had since been divided into apartments with commercial space on the ground and first floors.
"Be it ever so humble…" I began.

"Come off it, Mitch. That's mean and it's not worthy of a really nice boy like you.. That's Mummy's store," her voice took on an air of pride. As she nodded toward the two shops on the ground level, I wasn't sure which store she was referring to. One was a used book store and the other seemed to sell artifacts and antiques of different kinds. The two businesses on the first level were a dance supply store and something I couldn't quite figure out. There were no large signs, just simple, discreet brass plaques.

The cab pulled away and left us lingering on the sidewalk. She entwined her fingers in mine as she faced me.
"At least come in the vestibule so we can say good-bye and stay dry. Or haven't you noticed its still raining. Of course you can put off the inevitable by having some cold supper with us before you head home."

I nodded although I was unsure what I meant to say by that simple gesture. I was positive that her use of the word 'inevitable' meant that she was brushing me off, that despite what she was saying about me she never wanted to see me again.

"Just remember, Mitch. It's just for today. Something sweet we can both remember with no bitterness, no recriminations and no remorse."

"Damn it, Maddie. Why do you keep thinking that this could get to be some big

deal forever romance between us? Don't tell me it's not because you're a really high

class girl, a real lady and I'm just a blue collar slob…"

"Don't tell me what I am. I've already told you that things aren't always what they seem to be. Just believe me that you'd be really hurt if you got to know anything more about me. I think it would be better if you left now."

I stared at Maddie waiting for something to happen.

"Just go, Mitch. If you must know, I'm sorry I ever smiled at you; sorry I ever struck up a conversation with you. It's nothing you did, nothing you said, nothing about you at all. It's about me so just go now and promise me you'll never try to see me again."

She dropped her dance bag, put hand behind my head and pulled my face to hers as she kissed me. I wanted to get out of there, get away from this crazy bitch but I responded to her kiss as her tongue found its way into my mouth. My hands were on her butt as she wrapped her legs around me. Then, as if by mutual agreement, the kiss ended.

I glanced back at Maddie as I walked out the door. Tears were running down her cheeks.

The taxi pulled up in front of the house. "Hey, pal. Your lady friend forget her little hat." I slipped him a buck for his trouble and looked at the emblem on the beret. Now I knew where she went to school. Not that it meant anything to me but the emblem had the name of the school and a town in Connecticut on it.

It had been one hell of an afternoon. I learned why twelve tone music was so controversial and I learned a lot else. One was how easy it is to be attracted to someone who's totally wrong for you. The main lesson was that I was going to stick with my own kind of girl. Then why was I working so hard to memorize the name of the school Maddie attended and how to find that out of the way street on which she lived?

It was time to find my way back to a subway station and begin the return ride out of this strange neighborhood with all its galleries and avant garde shops, back to a world where people understand who they are and don't play mystery games about not being what they obviously are and how you'd be hurt if you understood them and all that other stuff. Then I realized I was still holding Madddie's beret in my hand. I stopped in my tracks and all but started to run back to return her silly little hat before I thought better of it. I resumed my walk to the subway.

 

My first stop after getting off the subway was a corner cigar store where I called Gina from the phone booth.

"Gina, it's me, Mitch."

"Yeah, like I might not recognize your voice."

"Wanna have dinner with me? Dinner tonight, I mean."

"That'll be swell but it is Sunday and you know what that means."

"Yeah, family dinner. Sorry to have bothered you."

"Say, how about we go for a walk and get a soda later."

"That'd be super. I'll come by for you."

"Oh, my cousin's here. Could Patsy come with us?"

Shit, I thought. It was those few painful hours with Maddie, fraught with promise but delivering only frustration had motivated me to make up for lost time with Gina. How the hell could I push myself to get something started with Gina if her cousin Patsy was tagging along.

"Mitch, make up your mind. Either we don't get together tonight or Patsy comes with us."

"Sure, Patsy can come with us. Why not?"

A couple of hours later I walked over to Gina's. She and the cutest kid were coming down the porch steps as I walked up. It wasn't the same Patsy I remembered. That was a pain in the butt boy named Pasquale. (The diminutive for Pasquale is Passy but it is often shifted to the more American sounding Patsy.) No one seemed to notice that outside of the Italian neighborhoods of Boston and New York Patsy was a name usually reserved for girls.

Patsy was small with hazel eyes that contrasted with her dark hair. A swan like neck was emphasized by a French sailor shirt that was loosely draped over a narrow body. A hint of breasts pushed against the soft fabric. A wave of anxiety swept over me as I responded to this graceful sylph-like being. Patsy was adorable but there was something familiar about the kid and that disturbed me.

"Mitch, you remember my cousin Patsy…Got out of high school a year ago and finally found the right college." Gina wasn't too keen over the way I was looking at her little cousin.

"Really? Can't say I remember meeting her before."

Whatever I said brought a knowing grin to their faces. Gina was about to say something when Patsy nudged her. Whatever I said apparently touched on some sort of insider joke.

"Say, Mitch, I bet you thought I was just beginning high school or something. Everybody does." Patsy's voice was a velvet smooth alto that made the short hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

"Well…" I tried to avoid answering. "So where you gonna go to college?"

"It's a small school called 'Tiresias Academy.' Almost no one's ever heard of it; least no one I know, no one around here."

"Sounds kind of familiar. I know that name from somewhere."

Patsy gave me this look that was half smile, half smirk.

"The name I mean, not the school," I added by way of explanation.

I mulled over the name Tiresisas in my mind. This is where, thought I, my poking around in culture was going to pay off. It took a minute but I finally remembered where I had come across the name.

"Sophocles, he was a Greek guy along time ago. He wrote this play I saw about a guy called Oedipus. He went to see a blind prophet named Tiresisas who told about this weird stuff that was going to happen to him. Oedipus tries ot beat fate by leaving his home town to get away from his father and mother but he doesn't know that they're not really his parents. He gets into a fight with these guys on the road. He kills them and but he doesn't know one of the guys he kills is his real father. Later on he outwits a sphinx in this other city and as a reward he gets to marry the queen who's his real mother."

"Gross!" commented Gina. "Mitch, that is sick, really, really sick…"

"Gina, it may be sick; it may be gross but it's a famous ancient Greek play." Patsy cut off Gina in mid-sentence. "The point of the play is that Oedipus couldn't escape his fate no matter what he did. Mitch, I think it's swell that you know about that stuff. Most boys around here are such jerks when it comes to that kind of thing."

We sat around on Gina's back porch talking about all kinds of things. Gina kept trying to bring the conversation back to the Brooklyn Dodgers while Patsy and I discussed how Oedipus, despite trying to run away couldn't escape his fate. Gina finally joined in.

"You see, Mitch, this ought to tell you that you can't help taking over your father's business. Maybe it's about time you noticed there's someone who thinks your fate and hers go together. Now just stop talking about that disgusting play. It's making me feel sick."

I'm sure lots of people don't like plays about incest but Gina's outburst seemed extreme.

Her shoulders heaved slightly as a sigh punctuated her softly spoken declaration. The moonlit night glinted off the tears that rolled down her cheeks. May be she's right I thought to myself. Could be we are fated to be together but she might deserve better than me. Patsy smiled at me, walked to the back door, blew me a kiss and left me with Gina.

"Night, Patsy." Gina smiled up at me. We didn't make eye-contact right off because I was busy watching Patys disappear down the back hall of Gina's house.

Gina took my hand as I looked down at her. She leaned her soft cheek against my wrist. I was aware of my dick even though it wasn't hard just yet. The problem was that I wasn't sure whether my condition was due to Gina or to Patsy.

My mind started racing between images of Maddie, Gina, and Patsy. In my mind's eye I kept seeing Bast, the goddess with a dick!

I was only half aware that Gina had tugged me down so that I was sitting on the arm of her Adirondack style chair. She leaned her head on my thigh as I absentmindedly stroked her soft hair. A few seconds later I was sitting on the chair with Gina who then managed to kneel straddling my thighs as she kissed me. My hands slipped under her full skirt and cupped the warm nylon panties that clung to her luscious bottom. The scene ended abruptly as the screen door banged open and then slammed shut. Gina slid off me and pulled her skirt down while I tried to conceal my hard-on. That there was no yelling told me it was someone other than Gina's dad.

"Gina, you guys better break this up. Your dad is wondering what you two could possibly be up to out here at this hour."

"Thanks for the warning. Patsy, you're a real pal." Gina smiled at her cousin and headed inside but not before we managed one more kiss. I didn't push it because it was only a matter of minutes before Gina's dad would storm out of the house and I wasn't ready to die.

"Gina, there's a concert at the museum next Sunday. Wanna come with me and we can get something to eat after?"

"Mitch, I would love to do almost anything with you but you know that stuff always makes me feel like I don't know anything. And besides my father doesn't want any of us to be away from Sunday dinner.

"There's a new Doris Day flick at the Bijou. Maybe we can go see that one night.

Call me, okay?"

She hurried down the hall before I could answer. What ever I answered wouldn't have mattered. Gina acted like she really wanted me to ask her out but she either found a reason to turn me down or back out at the last minute.

"Wait here for me, Mitch. I'll be out in five minutes."

"Sure, Patty." I nodded wondering what Patsy wanted to talk to me about. Then it hit me. There was only one cousin Patsy. I hadn't seen Patsy in so long that I was totally unaware of how his effeminate qualities had evolved into a unbelievably accurate facsimile of a girl It didn't really matter because I always had a soft spot for Gina's cousin who lived on the edge of our neighborhood. There must have been some family problems at the kid's home because, for as long as I could remember, Patsy always spent a lot of time at Gina's ven sleeping over for several nights at a time.

"Mitch, I'd like it of you walk home with me. I have this feeling of foreboding, like something awful's going to happen soon."

"Sure, Pat. That would be okay."

"Please don't call me that. It sounds so rough and I may be all kinds of things but rough isn't one of them. Patsy's like that too, in a way. Both sound so Moustache Charley." (Moustache Charley- a derisive term used by second and third generation Italian Americans to describe men who are too greenhorn, too old world in their ways.)

"How does Patty sound?"

"Please do call me Patty."

"Okay, then Patty is who you are with me from now on."

I couldn't believe what happened next. Patty brushed up against me as we walked along and I almost took his hand as if he were a real girl instead of just some fairy cousin of a girl I knew!

"Mitch, please don't think I'm butting in but there are some things you should know before you get more involved with Gina. Tell me if I'm stepping on toes.

"You're turning out ot be a really classy guy. Gina's smart but she's kept down by her father. He also resents you 'cause Gina wants to go steady with you."

"That's not news. All Italian fathers are oer protective when it comes to their daughters."

"Mitch, take it form me; this is pretty far out of the ordinary. You know that I spend a lot of time with Gina but you don't know the reasons why. There were problems at my house but those ended when my parents separated. And that was never the reason I spend all that time with Gina. First of all she accepts me for what I am so I owe her. She needs me there to run interference, to protect her from her father, from things I can't talk to you about yet; maybe never.

"Just be careful. If her dad loses it, he'll kill her or you or both of you.

"Gina wants you because she loves you and I understand that." Patty looked away as he spoke. He paused before going on. "Besides, and this may sound catty, like I'm jealous or something, but Gina can never desere you…I know you like her and all that but I also know that when you invited to her to that concert, you wanted to raise her up, educate her sort of so you both can share the things that make living special. I felt so badly for you when she put it down." Another long pause as Patty gathered the strength to say what was on his mind.

"Mitch, please don't beat me up for what I'm about to say…"

"Patty, you're much too nice, much too good, much too caring for me to ever want to beat up …or for me to allow anyone to hurt."

"You may feel differently after I say this. Mitch, I would never turn you down if you wanted to help me grow so that we could spend time together, even if it's…"

"Then suppose you come to the concert with me next Sunday."

"Oh, God. Mitch, you just made me so happy. Even if you change youre mind, I'll always remember this moment."

"Patty, there's no way I'm breaking this date ; get it, 'date.'"

Oh, Mitch. This is so neat…Even if you're doing this to get Gina's attention or get back at her…"

I stepped in front of Patty and looked into his eyes. He was frightened by my sudden move.

"Mitch, I'm sorry of I upset you. I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't mean to. You promised you wouldn't hurt me…"

I drew Patty against me and draped my arms over his shoulders. Cupping his bottom in my hands, I lifted him so that are faces met. The kiss was tentative at the start but melted into a kiss that promised more.

"Does that seem like I'm not for real when I say we have a date? Does that seem like I'm using to get Gina's attention?"

Patty looked up at me and shook her head. The second kiss was at least as good as the first.

 

It was a pretty long walk to the apartment house where Patty lived. It was a six story pre-war building. What blew my mind was the doorman.

"I'd ask you up but Mummy's out and I didn't tell her I was bringing a boy, er, anyone home with me."

"That's okay. Some other time, maybe."

"Definitely."

Patty glanced over her shoulder to see to see if the doorman was looking our way. He wasn't. She, er, he kissed me on the cheek and I didn't really care if the doorman or anyone else saw it..

 

"Gina, you keep nibbling those crackers you'll lose your figure."

Gina smiled blandly at the other clerk and went back to sorting out the mail.

"Scuse me. I'll be right back." For the second time that morning she walked quickly to the bathroom

Mitch's dad looked thoughtfully at the girl as she disappeared into the small lavatory set aside for the girls who worked in the office. He closed the door and walked to the large class window that overlooked the warehouse floor and laoding area. Mitch was nowhere to be seen. The other window overlooked the showroom and sales area. Still no Mitch.

Mr. Santoro leaned back in his chair, clasped his hands behind his head and thought for a few minutes. He remembered that Mitch was out a a construction site overseeing delivery and installation at a new apartment complex.

"Gina, please come in here,' he said to the intercom.

"Yes, Mr. Santoro. What is it?"

"First of all, you know how to say my first name so use it. You're not yourself this last week or so. You sick? Maybe you should see a doctor, take a few days to rest…with full pay."

"No, no. I hate staying home. It's just that I have a lot on my mind lately. Really nothing for you to concern yourself over."

Gennaro Santoro nodded.

"Have it your way."

Gina returned to her desk and busied herself with her work. Gennaro Santoro phoned his wife.

"Met me for lunch but come here first. I want you to look at Gina and tell me what you think…Nah, I'm not gonna tell you why I ask. I want you to figure it out and see if I'm guessing right."

 

"I know what you're wondering. I'm sure she's carrying a baby. The crackers, the trips to the toilet. Gennaro, did our son get her in trouble?"

"I dunno. Let's take him out for lunch and ask him flat out. He phoned when you were on your way here. Said he was leaving that job site. Jimmy was gong to drop him at his mechanic's so he could get his car. Jimmy just got back with the truck so Mitch'll be along in a few minutes."

 

"No, Ma. I swear I never even touched her. You know I don't see her alone that often. Besides, I'm not looking to get tied down with a wife just yet. Nothing against Gina. I like her and all but I don't think it could ever work out between us. Not over time. There's just something about her that doesn't fit together."

"We believe you." Shirley Santoro looked at her husband and nodded. She had spoken for both of them.

"That girl is definitely in trouble though and I think its only right we help her out."

"We gotta do something just in case you're right about her having a baby. Her father will kill her when he finds out."

My parents looked at me after that last comment. The look told me they agreed.

 

"Mitch? Hi. This is Patty. Gosh, that sounds so right especially when I'm talking to you. That's not why I called, though."

"Hi Patty. I'm flattered that you called me. How you doing?"

"I'm doing just fine. Let's skip the small talk."

"You sound serious."

"Mitch, I am. Just listen to me. About Sunday night…"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"I know you didn't recognize me right off so don't say you did.. You thought I was a girl and we both got caught up in a game of pretending. I don't want you to wake up hating yourself when the pretending ends."

"Jesus! I'm not pretending any damned thing. What's wrong with us going to a concert together?"

"Nothing, but it's just that you called it a date. That's no problem for me but what about for you?"

"Come off it, Patty. Can't you tell when a guy is kidding around?"

Okay, so I'm lying. I wasn't kidding at all. I really wanted to date Patty; not just this one time but to really go out with her, hold her close and maybe even get past first base. What the hell's wrong with me lately? First I get all hot and bothered over that Maddie kid who I'll never see again and now I'm worried that Patty won't see me. Patty! I'm must be going queer.

"Mitch, are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"The other thing is that I'm afraid that Gina…"

"Let's leave Gina out of this for now. You yourself said she put me down when I asked her to the concert with me."

"Mitch, it's just that Gina has a problem right now so this isn't the time to do anything that might hurt her."

"You really want to get out of seeing me, don't you."

"No, Mitch. Seeing you is definitely something I don't want to get out of. We have to talk though."

"Remember when you said you would definitely have me up your house?"

"Of course I do."

"Then what about tomorrow night?"

"You're on."

 

"You're expected, sir. Fourth floor rear. Just take the right hand elevator up and I'll let them know you're on your way."

I wasn't sure of how to handle this so I just said thanks and did as the doorman said.

The door at the end of the hall was open and framing Patty as she stood back lighted by the light of the apartment foyer. I know; I just said she but for whatever unconscious reason I was thinking of Patty as a girl almost all the time. Did I dare let her in on this? It turned out I didn't have to because it would have been meaningless.

Patty stepped aside to allow me to enter the apartment. She smiled at me as she closed the door behind us. "Like me this way?" My look of surprised amazement answered her question even before I could speak. The words began to pour of Patty's pretty mouth at sixty miles an hour.

"God, I'm so relieved. I figured there was no halfway. You were either going to beat the crap out of me or it would happen like your face is saying to me right now. Mitch, your eyes are so expressive, I just love them. But we've really got to talk. You've got to be sure that this is real for you and I sure as hell don't want to hurt Gina. She really has a thing for you. Most of all I just want you to come out of this okay,"

"Whoa! Take a breath and let me take a good look at you. Jesus, Mary and all the Saints! You're a doll."

Patty stepped into the lighted center of the foyer, put one hand on her hip and extended the other in a playful imitation of a fashion model. Patty was wearing a light blue sleeveless blouse over white shorts that barely covered the cheeks of her round little bottom. Her legs were incredibly shapely and well toned considering her slender build. Thin white cotton socks left me wondering if her ankles were as beautifully sculpted as the rest of her superb legs. Light blue tennis sneakers contrasted with the socks. As she turned slowly in her parody of a fashion model I could see the outline of straps under her blouse. Training bra or little girl's undershirt? Both images flitted through my head. Each one could have gotten me rock hard if they were real. Well, I could always hope for the best.

Patty put her index finger over my lips. The tiny bit of lipstick and makeup she wore enhanced her already wonderful face.

"Mitch, quiet. Just listen to me. This is serious. I know I was all excited a minute ago but it was real excitement, not some kind of act. I really am thrilled that you're accepting me for what I am, at least for now. Remember when I said something about pretend games? Well, I've been playing pretend games ever since I can remember. Only for a long time now I'm not sure which is the pretend game person and which is the real me.

"I always liked to act like a girl even when I was very little. I never outgrew it. I would scream bloody murder when I had to be a boy, dress like a boy, do boy things. I hated it but I had to learn to do it.. Acting like a boy was the pretend part for me. I was never very good at it so I got beat up a lot in school. Mother consoled me, indulged my girl interests. My father kept giving her ultimatums. She finally threw him out. Good thing she did or he would have driven me to despair or madness or worse.

"If you're okay with me, with who I am and what I am, we can enjoy being together until we one of us wakes up to reality. Is that okay with you, Mitch?"

"It's more than okay with me. And, Patty, I don't ever want to wake up to any reality that doesn't include you."

"Thanks for being so sweet." She gave me a light kiss on the lips as she took my hand. "Come inside. It's time you met Mother." Then she added softly in an aside I hoped was playful, "It's what's often done on a first date. You did say date, didn't you?"

I could have said I meant Sunday but that would only delay facing what I had said and had meant to say to Patty. Sooner or later I would have to accept that I told Patty that we had a date to go to a concert on Sunday. Patty was a neat kid; bright, pretty, sexy, attractive, a good dresser, but no matter how you described her she still had a prick and that made her a boy. And where I was growing up thinking twice about someone like Patty was something you never owned up to even to yourself. Then again, Patty was different.

So what did that make me? It wasn't like I was looking to get close to a boy, not even a boy like Patty. Hell! When I saw her at Gina's I hadn't the foggiest notion that this Patsy was the same annoying kid who used to stay at Patty's so often. Anyone would have seen her as a girl and a really attractive girl at that. Okay then. I really don't give a hoot in hell about what anyone thinks or says. I was drawn to Patty when I thought she was a real a girl. Nothing about her has changed so I have no reason to be ashamed of wanting to date her. One thing for sure though and that's that I'm not going to go telling anyone at home or in my neighborhood the details of this doll I'm dating.

I nodded and smiled. Patty sealed my destiny, at least my short term destiny, on the spot. She turned to go into the hall leading from the foyer and took my hand as I followed behind her. As she did, she slipped her thumb under her shorts, hooked the hem of her panties and tugged her panty hem lower to fully cover her nether cheek. Even before she adjusted the bottom of her shorts I knew I was done for.

Patty showed me into a small room best described as a study or office an immediately announced, "I'm going to fix my face. Oh, this is my mom, Dr. Falcone. Mom, this is Mitchell." She vanished down the hall leaving me to face her mother, Dr. Falcone no less.

Shelves of books interspersed with small statues and framed photographs covered much of the wall space. The woman seated at the desk rose to greet me. Although taller and fuller bodied than Patty there was no mistaking that this the mother of the oddly unclassifiable pixie who was so enchanting me against my will.

"Hello, Mitchell. I'm delighted to meet you. There are so few young men who have the courage to admit that they're drawn to someone like Patty as you call her. Fewer still would dare to call attention to the fact they would associate even casually with Patty, let alone see her as you plan to see her."

I was struck that Patty's mom referred to Patty as 'she.' In my house any guy who showed the least sign of being effeminate was suspect. Even my interest in cultural matters was less than adequately machismo. Dr. Falcone no t only accepted patty but it was pretty clear that she actively supported Patty's chosen role of being a girl. I wondered if Patty's mom was some kind of far out psychologist who thinks anything goes. That thought led me to be guarded in my conversation. I didn't realize I was so transparent.

"Mitchell, you don't have to edit what you say to me. I'm not the kind of doctor you think I am. My degrees are in art history. I'm not going to make anything you don't mean out of what you have to say. Just call me Maria. That should put you at ease."

Meanwhile Patty slipped back into the room just as Maria stepped from behind her desk and motioned for me to sit down. Patty and I sat on a small couch. Her hand was close to mine but I didn't dare hold it for two reasons. One because it was something you didn't do the first time you met your girl's parents. The other was more personal. Even though Patty's mom praised me about being able to del with someone like Patty, Patty was still, under it all, a boy and I wasn't sure I could overthrow all the stuff about queers that had been drummed into my head by everything in my narrow world.

My so-called natural instincts must have been intact because I could take my eyes off Maria. She wore a dark turtle neck sweater set off by a silver chain and antiqued pendant. A loosely fitted skirt flowed over her hips and fell to mid-calf. Boots, not very common at that time, concealed the parts of her legs that would have been visible and left me fantasizing over what they might be like. I didn't wonder for long.

Maria sat down, put one leg across the other thigh in a very matter of fact but revealing manner and pulled off one boot. She repeated the performance with the other boot. Her legs, and I could see that for myself from her toes to the tops of her stockings, were as attractive as the rest of her. I might have embarrassed myself with my unabashed staring except for Patty, thankfully, putting her hand on mine and pressing lightly.

Something else hit me during that conversation. Patty had a pretty supportive and very rational home situation. Why then did she spend so much time at Gina's house with her loud mouth father?

Patty suggested we go for a walk so that her mom could get back to writing this article for some obscure scholarly journal. It gave me an opportunity to ask about her staying at Gina's.

"Mitch, what I tell you now goes to the grave with you. Swear it."

"I swear on my soul's salvation."

"It was for Gina's protection. Her father's been molesting her since she was about ten."

Poor Gina had been living a nightmare and I was indifferent to her. I felt like shit. I must have said something without thinking because Patty was soothing my conscience.

"Mitch, you can't go beating yourself up over something you didn't know. Believe me, Mom thought of every way to intervene, to get Gina out. The best and safest course was to have me there as often as possible."

The irony of the situation was evident to me even as Patty told me what she knew. Here's Patty, a boy who wants to live like a girl, who is supported emotionally and loved in a literate and civilized home. Gina, a beautiful girl who looks like she has everything going for her, is living in a nightmare at the hands of the person who should be giving her the life and love she deserves. I needed some space to figure out what I could do to help Gina.

Maria was finishing a phone conversation just as Patty and I returned from our walk. Her shocked pallor told us something was very wrong. Gina had rescued herself

but in so doing had retreated from the world.

This is about as accurately as Patty and I could reconstruct the events of that afternoon.

 

"Unlock this door, you little tramp! Who did this to you?"

Gina screamed from the other side of the door. "You know damned well! You, you did this to me. You've been raping since I was twelve. You come near me again and I'll kill myself on the spot! I should've killed myself years ago when you started doing things to me. What if it is a mortal sin? I don't care because I've been living in the hell you made for me since I was a little girl. The real hell can't be any worse."

Gina retreated to the back wall of her bedroom as her father forced his way through the door. Her father flung her to the floor and slowly walked toward her. As he stood over her thighs and reached for her hair, Gina drove her foot into his crotch. A silent scream was all he could manage as he fell to his knees. Years of rage erupted from the girl as she grabbed a high heeled shoe and smashed it against her father's face. He was dazed and helpless as the girl pounded him further into insensibility. He fell back and struck his head against the corner of Gina's dresser.

When the police arrived Gina was huddled in the corner, her arms wrapped around her knees. Her father had suffered irreversible brain damage when his head hit the dresser. I just hope he knew enough to remember that Gina did it to him and that it was no worse than he deserved.

Poor Gina wasn't pregnant. It was what the psychiatrists called a phantom pregnancy. It was an attempt to get her father to leave her alone. She was going to be hospitalized for a long time and would probably need therapy for an even longer time after that. At least she was free of the man who had stolen her childhood, the man who should have protected, should have made her feel good about herself.. So much for loving, protective, normal families headed by normal men.

A few days later Maria and Gina took the train to Long Island to visit Gina in the private sanitarium where she was being treated. Maria was petitioning the court for guardianship of Gina and was guaranteeing too pay the uncovered part of the cost of Gina's treatment.

Maria left Patty and Gina alone together to sign some documents in the business office. Gina had recognized them and was glad to see people who made her feel protected and loved. She had begun to confront her feelings of guilt and of anger which led to periods of weepiness.

"Patty, I feel so filthy, so goddamned filthy. There are some people I need to apologize to."

"Gina, honey, you didn't do any thing wrong. You were the victim…"

"I know you mean well but I have to say these things. Do you think Mitch would forgive me if I tell him how sorry I am? Maybe you could tell him for me."

"What should you feel sorry for?"

"Don't try to soothe me. I had a real thing for Mitch, I wanted to be with him, wanted him to take care of me, to love him in every way I could but whenever he made a move toward me I pushed him away. I couldn't help myself but I felt like the worst kind of tease. Every time he asked me out I would turn him down no matter what where he wanted to take me. It was because if Daddy found out I was with a boy he might go ape on me and on Mitch. Now I know I was so afraid Mitch would hate me 'cause I didn't save my cherry for him."

"Gina, no one will hate you for something that wasn't your choice. Do you want to tell Mitch yourself?"

She bit her lip so hard that Patty was afraid it would bleed. Gina cried softly as she rocked to and fro. After a minute or two she nodded.

"I'll tell him myself but not yet. Promise me you won't let daddy hurt me if I do."

"So what you're saying is that Gina has a really long haul ahead of her before she can get by on her own."

Patty reached across the table and rested her hand on mine. That was answer enough. I had no idea that the conversation was going to turn to Gina when Patty and I planned to meet for lunch. Maybe we both thought it might because we chose an off time in an out of the way restaurant near Patty's. Now that the turmoil around Gina was settling down my folks felt I had better resume my regular hours at the business.

Patty had no reason to visit my neighborhood now that Gina was no longer around. She was now totally committed to being a girl on a full time and very convincing basis. This should have turned me off but I was more and more attracted to her.

On this occasion she was dressed in off white linen Bermuda shorts and a short sleeved blue blouse. Knee socks and penny loafers did nothing to detract from her terrific legs. The small shoulder purse she carried matched the Cordovan leather of her penny loafers. Her hair, longer now, was held behind ears by matching barrettes. She chewed on the ear pieces of her harlequin sun glasses.

"Like the way my hair looks? Almost long enough for a pony tail. Think that I would look good that way?"

"Patty, you look good to me any way you wear your hair."

As we stood in the bright sunshine outside I looked Patty over pretty carefully as she bent over to pull up a sock. The hemline showing through her Bermudas told me she was wearing panties. Well, what else would she be wearing?. There was no way she could be mistaken for a boy so again I figured what the hell. I took her hand and kept holding it as we walked back toward her street. Patty responded by moving closer to me as we walked. I wasn't sure when or how it happened but soon we had an arm around each other's waist. Patty paused, turned to face me and gave me spontaneous kiss pressing against me as she did. A jolt went through me as I felt the back of her bra through her blouse. Each time something like that happened, something that reassured me Patty was totally a girl despite her dick, a sexual joy, a joy that was akin to arousal but not quite the same, went through me in ever new ways.

"Mitch, I know we've been taking advantage of your dad but please come up to my apartment. There are some things I need to show you."

Patty sat me in her living room and excused her self. "The fashion show begins in ten minutes," she announced as she smiled over her shoulder.

"Ta da!" Patty stood in the door way clad in a full skirted shirtwaist dress, heels and hose. A sort of shawl or stole was draped around her shoulders. She was right out of a teen fashion magazine. Patty twirled which caused her skirt to flare out. The glimpse of stocking top under snow white petticoats was a memory I want to keep forever.

Patty moved in front of me, put he hands on the sides of my face and smiled down on me. I wrapped my arms around her knees and held her close. My arms were against the back of her thighs.

"This isn't going to work like this. She stepped way and reached behind her to unbutton her dress. She stepped out of it and pushed her petticoat down to he ankles. I was totally enthralled as she moved toward me. The breast forms showing under her blue bra added to her otherworldly allure. A matching garter belt showed through her sheer panties. The garter belt with its dark elastic straps served to frame and emphasize Patty's markedly male genitals. Totally overwhelming was the outline of her cockhead through the diaphanous blue nylon of her panties.

She pulled me to my feet and undid my belt. In a matter of minutes she was sliding my briefs down to free my raging erection. Her finger tip flicked away my precum and carried it her mouth. She turned her back to me as she wiggled out of her panties. The intensity of my erection increased as she faced me with her own cock fully hard.

Instincts I never dreamed took over for my conscious will as I ran my tongue around her the rim of her cockhead, drew that lovely knob between my lips. Patty lay on the couch as I ran my tongue along the bottom of he shaft before swallowing as much of that beautiful cock as I could in my virgin mouth. It tasted so good as she came in pulsating jets.

I screamed as Patty returned the favor by giving me an orgasm that no real girl had ever come close to giving me.

The bright spring day added to the blissful afterglow of the most intense sexual experience I had ever experienced or could even have imagined. That feeling plus Patty's unique combination of attractions gave me a sense of well being combined with a hint of arousal that felt just fine, at least for the moment. Everything about added up to the kind of girl I wanted. Then, as I reached more familiar streets, I knew that Patty's attractions added up to more than I could handle. I wasn't queer. Of that I was sure. This was just a one time thing, an experiment. It never occurred to me that I might be believing my own lie. Okay, I'll keep the date on Sunday but that's it for closeness. After that I'll keep in touch with Patty only so I can know how Gina's doing.

As we left the museum, Patty slipped her arm through mine. It was only one of the ways she had of making me feel really good about myself and about being with her. I was proud that people noticed the tastefully dressed girl I was with. Who could help but admire this classy beauty? The smiles of approval from the sedate members of the audience were flattering to Patty and to me. Then that feeling of doubt hit me.

They're smiling because they can't quite keep from laughing at us. They can esee patty's a boy and they can figure out that, if I'm with him, I must suck cock.

I wanted to move away from Patty but every time I looked at her I couldn't bring myself to do anything that would hurt this special lady. A decision would have to be made but how?

We were alone in Patty's apartment enjoying a cold supper when Patty turned serious.

"Mitch, honey. This isn't easy for me to say. I misjudged my feelings for you. I care for you more than I thought I ever could, ever would. It was wrong of me to let you date me. Do you remember when I told you I would be going to school at Tiresisas Academy and that no one around here ever heard of it."

I nodded as I wondered what she was getting at.

"No one around here heard of it because it's in England. Mother has a job at Cambridge University, one of the women's colleges. We need the change. They treat girls like me a lot better there than they do here in the States. Matter of fact Tiresisas Academy is meant for girls like me.

"We're not abandoning Gina. She'll come with us once Mother has guardianship

"I'm ever so sorry. I never meant to hurt you but think about it, Mitch. You might want some of the things in my world but I would never be accepted into your world and then one day you would wake up and hate yourself and hate me because you've been living with another boy. It's better we end it now."

I felt pretty good the next morning considering I was dumped the night before, dumped by someone who was totally different from anyone I ever dated or wanted to date. Come to think of it, Patty was unlike anyone I could have even conceived of until I got to know her up close. Ironic that only a few weeks before I was wondering if there could ever really be a person like Bast. Now I knew there was at least one. Anyhow it was over and I hadn't been the one to end it. There was, I realized, another good reason that the thing Patty and I felt for each other couldn't go anywhere. That was Gina. I wondered how she might react to seeing Patty and me as a long term pair considering how sad she felt over how she treated me but mostly how breakable she was after all that had been done to her.

My folks were pretty happy with the way I was devoting time and energy to the business and seeing I was chatting up every single female I came across in the course of the day. Things were looking pretty bright now that I had gotten over this bump in my heterosexual road. Even the notice to report for my draft board physical failed to dampen my new sense of well being. This country welcomed my family and gave them opportunities they would never have had in the old country. It was time for me to pay back part of what we owed them just like my father had done in World War II.

It was a relief that I didn't get hard during my physical. That had been worrying me since my recent experience with Patty. Fortunately I remained soft but I realized that all the guys walking around naked looked like guys so they did nothing for me. It might have been different had there been a slender guy with smooth skin and delicate bones. Fortunately there was no one there who filled that role.

The Korean conflict was turning into a stalemate which led to a slowdown in the draft. My physical had classified me 1-A but there was a better than even chance I wasn't going to be drafted any time soon. I still wanted to serve due in no small part to the feelings Patty had set off in me. Volunteering for military service would give help remove any doubts I was having about my sexuality and let me pick the branch in which I would serve. It also let me choose when It's difficult to conceive of now but to get anywhere back then a guy had to get his military service out of the way.

It might not be a bad idea to try to date a girl who had nothing to do with Gina and Patty, one who knew nothing about my closeness to that awful situation that ended in when Gina finally erupted and then withdrew into herself. But who? I remembered this girl I had had a serious crush in high school but who brought out all my insecurities. By this time I was able to admit to myself that I never approached her because I was sure she would turn me down seeing how her family was way above me when it came to style and class whereas my family was better fixed when it came to money. I was surprised at how cordial her mother was to me even though she told me Kara was away at a girl's college somewhere in Massachusetts. Her mother seemed to know a lot about me which she had heard from Kara who often talked about me at home. She gave me Kara's address and suggested I write to her assuring me Kara would write back. Perhaps a good-bye phone call before I left for my military service might be a nice romantic touch. I made a mental note to follow Mrs. Lohrmann's advice.

Kara's friendly enthusiasm at hearing my voice suggested that she might have shared the attraction she held for me. She was going to be home the following weekend to attend a family function and would love to get together with me. "I know this really swank neighborhood, very, very arty. We can have lunch and stroll around and then you can drop me Grand Central so I can catch the train. Seeing you will be so neat. We'll have a luscious time."

She came on like the cliché kid but on her it sounded cute, even enticing. I called her at home that Saturday morning.

"I have some shopping I absolutely must get done, Kara said as if she were about to tell me I didn't fit in with her plans for her weekend home. That wasn't it at all. "A school chum told me about this swell area where there are zillions of shops, boutiques really that have one of a kind jewelry and accessories. There are lots of neat cafes and restaurants that have folk music. You could come with me and help me choose what I buy; tell me which looks better on me. Then we can have an early supper and you can see me off."

Going shops wasn't my idea of a good time but the district she was talking about sounded like it might be interesting. I was still wondering whether Kara wanted to see me or whether she needed a chauffer for her shopping spree when the 'fashion show' Patty put on of me popped into my head. Not that it would turn into what happened between Patty and me, but the idea of watching Kara model what ever it was she was going to shop for had a certain appeal. Accepting Kara's offer would also show that I wasn't some sort of macho Italian jerk.

My date, if that's what it was, also had some implications for other things in my life. It meant Gina was history. It also meant Patty was a bad dream from which I had awakened. Maybe not quite a bad dream; more like a dream that's intense and pleasant but when you wake up from it you're somehow ill at ease. When I thought about it I realized that Patty had been a real threat to me. She was still a boy and I had wanted her like I should have wanted a girl so that whenever I thought about her, which was as little as possible, I felt like I might have been turning queer. Kara was all girl and classy at that. She was my present, at least for Sunday afternoon, which made Patty my past.

I picked up Kara at her parent's home and after the prilms with her folks she came down stairs. She was striking and fashionably Ivy League. She wore a white blouse with Peter Pan collar and a kind of ribbon tie. A circle pin, very de rigeur for girls of a certain social class in the fifties, was on the lapel of her navy blue flannel blazer. A gray box pleated skirt covered her knees. It concealed her hips as well, leaving the details of figure to my hormone driven imagination. Her legs, toned by ballet classes since kindergarten, were enhanced by non-sheer tan stockings that were intended to be serviceable rather than seductive. Basic opera pumps with a two inch heel drew my attention and flattered her finely chiseled ankles. I wondered why this epitome of ivy league dressing wanted to shop in places like those she described. The weather was too mild for the camel's hair polo coat she no doubt owned so she carried an off white plaid lined raincoat. I picked up her overnight bag as she reached for shoulder pocketbook. I shook hands with her dad as her mother checked to see she had her train ticket and so on.

Much to my chagrin, her school chum's directions brought us to Madison's neighborhood. I wasn't sure if I found myself hoping to run into Madison or praying we wouldn't. Either way she was too much on my mind.

It turned out Kara was interested only in buying earrings, bracelets, and rings of the kind made by so-called crafts people rather than by jewelers. She also took me to a shop dealing in one of kind had woven skirts and shawls. To my surprise and satisfaction Kara turned trying on jewelry into a sensuous performance. She ahd a way pf pushing her dark brown hair back from her face to show me her ears. The graceful gestures of her hands as she asked my opinion of rings and bracelets set me thinking about how could those gestures would feel agains the skin of my face or body.

We made our way to a café another of Kara's school chums, as she called them had recommended, The Café des Masques. The patrons were mostly women alone, in pairs, or in small groups. The few men present were all with women. That should have been a hint as to nature of the clientele. Two very arty girls improvised on guitar and flute. It was a lot better than the Berg that I had listened to the day I met Madison.

Kara was known to some of the regulars who enthusiastically remarked they were "just so thrilled you finally got here" which told me that although she knew several of the regulars this was her first time there. The kiss she shared with the hostess suggested a very close friendship. Despite being in the minority I felt comfortable and made a note to visit again but not without a date.

The waitress who took care of us was, I was sure, flirting with me. I suspected Kara thought so too because she engaged the girl in a brief conversation when she excused her self to use the powder room. I assumed that Kara had told the girl off for coming on to her date. It turned to be something else entirely.

Were I not with Kara I might have taken an interest in the waitress. She was tall, very slender with small breasts. A loosely fitting solid color blouse matched her print skirt which seemed to be a large shawl tied around her waist. The fit of the blouse concealed her waist and hips. The flow of fabric over her bottom as she moved created a very sensuous effect that was not lost on me. Flat sandals were fastened to her bare calves by leather thongs. Her jewelry was, like what Kara had been shopping for, the work of craftspeople rather than of jewelers.

I thought I was being subtle as I glanced around the room hoping to see if Madison might somehow show up.

"Are you expecting someone? You keep looking around as if you're expecting an old friend to show up." Kara's mock serious tone told me I was anything but subtle so I covered for my behavior.

"No. I've never been here before and, besides, I don't know anyone who hangs out around here. Too far out of my league. I was just looking to see if anyone is wearing things that relate to what we're talking about."

"Oh, okay." A mischievous glint in Kara's eyes made me wonder if she believed me. "The crowd here is into what we're talking about. Just one thing, though. I wouldn't have thought this place and this crowd would be out of your league at all."

Kara insisted on paying the check which Allie, the waitress put in front of her. Kara handed Allie the payment and her tip. Their hands remined entwined just a little too long. I had heard that some very arty Bohemian girls batted from both sides of the plate and that was fine with me. Considering my recent experience, I wasn't one to point a finger.

 

"Mitch, do you think Allie is attractive?" Kara's question surprised me especially coming just as I started the car to take her to Grand Central Station..

"Not my type. Why do you ask?" It was odd that Kara wanted to talk about the attractions of a Bohemian waitress.

"I think she's sexy."

"Huh," was all I could say.

"She liked you. Don't be corny and say you didn't notice her." Kara went on to talk about 'artistic statements' made by what she called craft artists. My recent forays into myth allowed me to make some cogent responses which impressed Kara. In the car the conversation turned to talk about Kara's school and her new friends. She described some of her new girlfriends with a warmth usually reserved for sweethearts or lovers. I would have written it off as being overly enthusiastic and left it at that. .

There was vacant parking space not too far from Grand Central, an occurrence in the fifties not nearly as remarkable as it is nowadays. Kara leaned over and kissed me on the lips. It felt good, deliciously moist even without a touch of tongue.

"Mitch, thanks ever so much for helping me out today. And also for getting my mother off my back."

"No need to thank me. I enjoyed being with you." We talked about high school, about wasted opportunities, and about discovering ourselves. Then she turned very serious.

"Mitch, I know you must be wondering why I said what I did about getting my mother of my back. She's been after me to have a boyfriend for a long time now. She thinks I'm too caught up in girlfriends.

"See, I like petting and making out with girls at least as much as I do with boys. No. that's not quite true. Let me explain. I'm not sure I could ever get serious with a boy after growing up with my parents. Everything looks so great on the outside but my father teats my mother like a slave. He likes to show off his beautiful, loyal, and talented wife like you show off a prize winning dog. She has money, clothes but no respect in her soul, no inner dignity. He cheats on her, too. My girlfriends all say the same thing about their homes. Why would any free and self-reliant woman want a life like that?

"I've always liked you, Mitch. I like you enough not to hurt you. I would love to see you again if you want but it can't go anywhere. If you want to take your chances, call me again."

She leaned over m and gave me the kiss I had hoped for. Her tongue found mine as her hand pressed my cock through my chinos. It was a great kiss but not nearly so great looking or as long lasting as the kiss she gave her girlfriend when they met at the at the gate to their train.

I had no doubt I would look up Allie in the very near future.

That Wednesday night found me on my way to the unusual cafe Kara had introduced me to. The nearby parking spaces were filled by cars that, I learned later, belonged to some of the local residents. Circling back to the edge of the area I almost slammed on the brakes when I saw a girl I could have sworn was Madison pass by on the sidewalk. I started to circle the block to catch up with her but decided against it. I realized I was flattering myself to hope that Madison would remember me from that fleeting encounter so many months ago.

I found a parking space on the edge of the neighborhood and started walking toward the main business area. I had intended to go right to the café but the shop windows as well as the strollers were too interesting for me to ignore. Or was it because I hoped to see Madison along the way?

The hostess remembered me as Kara's friend. There was no problem with me eating at the bar so I took as seat where I could see both the door and the main dining area. As I scanned the room, a hand landed on mine. Allie, in the role of barmaid, had placed her hand on mine. I couldn't tell which made me feel better, her touch or the warm smile on her pretty face. She suggested I start with a glass of a particular wine she recommended. I wasn't about to argue with this exotically alluring beauty especially when my wine experience was limited to jugs of Chianti consumed at family gatherings.

"Let me get a fresh bottle. Say, why don't you come with me so you can see our wine cellar?"

The wine cellar was down a flight of stairs at the end of a corridor. Allie took my hand as we moved through the dimly lit space. She reached into her skirt pocket and withdrew a bunch of keys to unlock the wine cellar door. She looked up at me, smiled as she slowly put her arms around my neck and kissed me. "We might each other in the end but for some unexplainable reason I think you can handle a girl like me."

What was that supposed to mean? Just what is a 'girl like me'? I gave up wondering and yielded to the pressure of Allie's mouth against mine. As we kissed, her hands moved over my chest, moved along my sides to my hips as one of her hands felt my crotch while the other rested on my bottom. An urgency compelled me to run my hands over every part of her or at least every part that I dared to without risking turning her away from me even before we got started. With other girls I might have taken my chances and gone for a home run right off but not with this girl. Allie was just so right for me that I didn't want to lose her by pushing too hard. She was a deliciously enticing blend of firmness and softness. I was startled by what felt like a very brief panty girdle, something that she didn't need and which certainly didn't fit with her Bohemian style of dressing..

"Shit," she muttered. "Damned gaffe gets in the way."

I had no idea what a gaffe was.

"Now you know," she added enigmatically as she took a step away from me.

"What do I know? Allie, just tell me what's going on. What is so wrong with you wearing a panty girdle? Most girls wear them all the time. I just didn't think you were so conformist under it all. Why would I hit you at all?"

"Oh, Mitch. You just don't get it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I did this to you. There was just something about you that made me think you knew about girls like me. And when you came back on your own, I was sure of it. Mitch, I'm not a real girl. The panty girdle, as you call it, is to conceal my dick and make me look more like a girl."

I pulled Allie to me and kissed her again.

"You're really not pissed off, are you? Wow! Kara was right when she said you might go for girls like me."

The impromtu petting session was, like Oscar Wilde's description of a cigarette; it was exquisite but left us unsatisfied.

Back at the bar I confessed my history to Allie in between watching her wait on patrons and set up drinks, mostly wine, for the waitresses. My story of Gina and Patty left Allie close to tears. No sense in telling her that I was on the lookout for a girl named Madison. "How horribly tragic for Gina. How sad for you."

Allie's sense of the romantic made her reluctant to have an afair with me.

"I just know that Patty and you are meant for each other. Kismet; you know what I mean. If we got involved it would only hurt both of us because you're meant to find Patty again. Mitch, be sure that you want to make love to another girl like Patty before we get started on something that has to end sooner or later."

She slipped away long enough to kiss me good-bye. Despite my better judgment, I felt her up up under her gaffe. Her cock was very real.

"Give it some thought before you see me again." I nodded and then Allie added, "I get off at seven on Thursday."

"I'd like to call you tomorrow, wee if you feel the same way then as now."

"No calls. Don't ask me why."

She leaned over the bar and kissed me as I started to throw down some money for the tab.

"Tonight's on me… for being so accepting."

I drove home feeling pretty good until I started reflecting on Kara and Allie and the Café des Masques.

This is the second time I'm getting involved with a girl with a dick. Okay, so at first I didn't realize Patty was a boy but I know what Allie has in her panties from the start. Kara feels comfortable telling me that she can bat from both sides of the plate but prefers girls. Does that mean she thinks I'm the same way? Besides that, she figures out that I would fit in with the crowd at Café des Masques. She even tries to set me up with Allie which may not turn out to be a bad thing. What I want to know is how is that Kara was able to figure me out when I'm not sure myself of what I want in a bed?

The weirdest part is that I should be running away from girls like Allie and I'm not. I should be thinking I'm queer but I don't. I'm not turned on by guys but only by girls with dicks. Right, 'cause nothing happened to turn me when I took my draft board physical. If I'm queer I would have been turned on by all those naked pricks and bare butts. I wasn't, not in the least, so I know I'm not a queer.

I wish I had Allie's phone number. I really needed to talk to someone who understands and is okay with where I am with this thing. No. Don't talk about it. Just find Madison. That little doll will get you back into the real thing easily enough.

It was a great rationale for lots of reasons, not the least of which was it gave me an excuse to keep going back to that arty part of town and, once there, winding up in The Café des Masques. My thoughts as I drove home left me feeling a little agitated but determined to find Madison or, at the very least, get something going with one of the girls from my own neighborhood.

 

My next foray back to The Café des Masques was to meet Allie that Thursday. All day long I wondered whether to think of this as an appointment or a date. In any case I was very much looking forward to seeing Allie. I deliberately arrived early wondering how to deal with the situation if Madison shows up. She looked terrific as I scanned her from head to toe, my eyes pausing at her chest and the lower art of her cutely rounded tummy. Her contours suggested nothing other than she was a small breasted girl. I envisoned her bra which almost certainly had breasts forms, falsies pinned into it by tiny gold colored safety pins. In my mind's eye that was more erotic, more alluring than the fully fleshed breasts of an ordinary woman. The longer I looked at Allie, the more desireable I realized he was. The vision of her cock tightly gaffed against her groin or nestling in her panties set my pulse racing. This was, I reassured myself, a diversion on my path to finding Madison.

Allie was waiting tables as I took my seat at the end of the bar. Her movements were graceful and sure. She smiled at me and, after taking an order and dropping it at the kitchen, came over to me. The kiss lingered longer than I thought it would.

"Mitch, see that ass-hole over thee. He's a real pain. The jerk has no idea of what I'm really all about. He's said some totally vulgar things. He'll be asked to leave but if he threatens me, I want you to stay out of it. Just leave him to me." Her voice had a dark tone to it that was aggressively determined.

""I'll jump in only if I see you need help."

A sardonic smile lingered on her otherwise sweet face. "That won't be necessary, especially not with that chump."

A few seconds later the chump approached Allie as she walked through the dining area. There was a quick exchange of words and then conversation stopped as Allie announced. "You're wrong about me needing my boyfriend here before I told you off. Would you like to step outside with me or do you want to just leave?"

The man was much larger than Allie but her determination was enough to make his hands start shaking. His buddy suggested they leave quietly which they started to do.

Allie was at his heels as he lumbered toward the door. As he stepped into the entrance foyer he turned and threw a punch at Allie who, with unbelievable speed, blocked the blow and slammed her fist against his kidney. He was both dismayed and hurt by Allie's combination of blocking and punching. She shoved him through the street door and followed after him. He tried to lock her up in something vaguely like a wrestling hold only to have Allie grab his shirt and move her arms as if she were steering a car while sweeping his feet out from under him with her foot. Allie's flawlessly executed judo move left the goon sprawled on the sidewalk. As he crashed to the sidewalk Allie maintained her hold on his arm and began to apply pressure. The man writhed in pain before he passed out.

This man had been looking for trouble and he found it in Allie. It seemed he didn't know Allie wasn't a real girl which was good considering the way things were back in the fifties.

Allie was radiant with a subtle look of triumph as she returned to her duties as if nothing much had happened was met with awed looks and nods of approval from staff and customers alike. Seeing Allie so handily dispatch and man both taller and heftier than she, made it very difficult for me to hide my arousal.

I sipped wine and nibbled the platter of appetizers that Allie had set before me. By seven the tables had turned over enough so no one other than staff had seen Allie's brief and victorious confrontation with the would be tough guy. At about ten after seven she took off her apron and became just another girl sitting with her guy at the bar.

"You were pretty impressive," I said to her as she took a sip of my wine.

"I hate jerks like that. Think they know what everybody else is all about and if you don't let them come on to you they…" She smiled at me with a look of pleased innocence. "It feels so swell when I put them in their place." She looked and sounded like a kid who had just turned the tables on a schoolyard bully.

"Where did you learn to fight like that?" I asked allie as we started down the street.

She slipped her arm through mine and leaned against me.

"My parents were pretty concerned about me when I was little but then they knew that they had to take me as I was or it would be so bad for me that I would lose my mind or something. We had a vacation place where they let me act like a girl, play with girl's toys, and even wear clothes that could be a girl's just as easily as a boy's. I got taunted a lot in school though. My mom got a call from the principal one day. I had had enough so I lost control and just beat the stuffing out of two bullies. They were hurt and really embarrassed. All the kids teased them for weeks over the black eyes and swollen lips I had given them. Miss Carver, the principal, was actually pleased the bullies had been taught a lesson. Dad didn't think it was a good idea for me to just pound away other kids although he was very pleased I could fight when I had to. Acting as if I were a real girl was sure to make me a target so he and Mom decided I had to learn to protect myself so they sent me to judo, boxing, and karate classes."

"Wow, I better not get fresh with you…."

"You had better get fresh with me! If you don't, I might have to get rough with you."

We paused and kissed.

"Let's go up to my apartment. I'll make dinner for you. Drink up."

As we were finishing our wine Allie's hand began to shake.

"Are you okay?" I asked awkwardly.

"Shit!," muttered Allie. "That was so incredibly stupid."

"What was?"

"What I did to that guy. I'll explain later, when we're alone."

(continued)

  

  

  

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