Escapee                by: Samantha Michelle

 

I watched as the hills slid past the windows of the bus. For the past two days I'd been running away from my family, myself, my life. By now Mom should have discovered I'd cleaned out the family ATM account, and her stash of emergency cash. Not that she didn't have plenty of money left. But she would know I had enough to run far and fast. And away from her.

I smiled grimly. A few days ago, I learned by accident the reason why I was physically so much like a girl, so very different from the other boys at school. I'd started to run away with just the clothes on my back. But Rusty, my only real friend, and sort-of girlfriend, convinced me to take a couple of days and prepare. I glanced at her as she slept in the seat next to me. She wouldn't let me go alone. And the further we traveled, the more I understood why. Running away is lonely. I guess she knew. She was living with her third or fourth foster family. She had steadfastly refused to say why she was separated from her parents, but whatever the reason, it was too painful for her to face. Even with me.

I pulled Rusty close to me, and snuggled her. Soon I was asleep from the stress, her warmth, and the soothing vibrations of the bus as it traveled through the afternoon sun.

I woke to Rusty's gently shaking my shoulder. "Alexi, it's time we got ready." Awareness came flooding back, and as I held her I trembled.

"Rusty, I'm scared." She hugged me back.

"We've been though this, Alexi, and it was your only choice, other than going to the police and winding up in State custody. I've been there, and it's awful. Besides, we've come too far to turn back now." She straightened, stretched, and pulled her day-pack from under the seat. "We need to touch up our faces before we arrive."

We spent the next few minutes removing smeared makeup, changing from raccoons to a pair of fairly plain teenage girls. The bus slowed, and pulled off the interstate onto a small rural highway. As the large bus carefully negotiated the narrow winding road, we watched the old New England farms and houses slowly passed by. It almost seemed as if time here moved more slowly than in the city. It was a good feeling.

"Rusty, what if my parents manage to find me? I can't go back, knowing what they've done..."

"They won't find you if you don't want to be found. Especially not here. We left them a trail of red herrings that would make Sherlock Holmes proud." She was right. If they were looking at all, they were following a path towards California. I wondered briefly if they would shed a tear when the troopers there found a set of torn clothes somewhere in Arizona, with my ID in one of the pockets. Courtesy of a friend of a friend of Rusty's.

The bus entered a small village, and soon five teenage girls were watching as our baggage was unloaded. Rusty and I were traveling light. Our big expedition packs contained everything we had. Shortly after the Greyhound pulled away, a dusty old school bus pulled up. The logo on the side read "Amondson's Christian Retreat". Rusty had the brilliant idea, at least I hoped it was brilliant, of staying at a religious retreat for young women for a couple of weeks. Her argument was that it was cheap, very safe, and the absolute last place anyone would think to look for either of us. And this retreat featured two-person rooms with their own bathrooms.

A large, smiling older woman climbed out of the bus. "I'm Amanda Amondson. It looks like everyone made the trip fine, but I need to make sure." She called out names. The first three were our fellow travelers. "Ruthiana Sylvia Dorhingle". Rusty cringed.

"Please call me Rusty, Ma'am." The other girls giggled. Rusty got her nickname from her voice, which squeaked whenever she tried to speak loudly, and her name. Thus the sound of a rusty door hinge.

The woman nodded. "Alexis Johanna Moore". I meekly raised my hand. "Good, now everyone load your baggage in the bus, as we want to get to the retreat before supper." Load-up was quick, even though one girl had enough baggage to take up four seats. Soon we were bouncing down a dirt road, and I was wincing as my breasts bounced in tune with the bus.

"Told you that a bra was a good idea." Rusty was smiling. She was a full C, and wore plain, really supportive cotton bras. I wound up holding my chest and feeling foolish. I hated bras. They were just one more reminder of how female my body had become. I loved breasts, on girls. I could not understand whey she liked mine on me. I was supposed to be a boy. Looking down at my travel skirt and pink tennis shoes, I started to cry.

"Don't you dare run your makeup." She hugged me. I just shook my head and hugged back. Twenty minutes later, and a lot higher up in the hills, we came into view of the retreat. It looked impressive. A large wood and stone chapel, mostly surrounded by long, narrow buildings resembling bunkhouses. There was smoke coming from a chimney of a large building facing the chapel.

"Leave everything on the bus, and head inside when we stop. You can put your bags away after dinner." The woman could easily be heard, despite the rattley old bus. Once inside, we saw at least fifty more girls our age, and several adult women, already seated. And the aroma made my stomach grumble. It had been a long time since our last real meal.

We were seated, and out of courtesy and to maintain our image, joined in the blessing of the food. Some really did come from the heart. "Be thankful for this bounty, for your good health, and for the friends that are with you today." Despite all that had been done to me by my parents, I was -- I guess -- healthy, and I had my best and only friend sitting next to me, holding my hand. We ate silently, enjoying the food, and realizing how tired we really were. I felt old and worn deep inside.

After dinner we all pitched in to clean up, and Rusty wound up on dishes while I swept and mopped floors. We dragged ourselves out to the bus, collected our packs, and followed instructions on getting settled in. Their recommendation that we go to bed early was unneeded. Their warning about not having the heat turned on till morning was. We collected all the blankets on one bunk, and after little more than snuggling against each other, we were sound asleep.

The cheerful pounding on our door "wake up, it's six in the morning!" got our attention. Barely. We were still two time zones west of here. But we managed to shower, and make it to the main hall in time for a breakfast of pancakes and sausage. Rusty handed me my pills, and I stiffened. "Alexi, you know you've got to continue, at least at a reduced dose, 'till we figure out if they can change you back." I nodded, and took the hated pills. Mom and Dad had always told me they were special vitamins, to help me grow up healthy. They were special, all right. And I did grow up healthy. If looking like a girl was healthy.

After breakfast clean-up, we got a briefing on the rules, and as a group went berry-picking. Burp! I was unaware of how different wild raspberries were from those oversize plastic things that you get in a grocery store. Even if the real ones came with more than the occasional creepy-crawly. By noon we all had full buckets, and full stomachs. Rusty and I still managed to do in a hot dog apiece. We spent the afternoon doing crafty stuff, like braiding thongs and beading belts. And paying the price for eating too many raspberries. After dinner were the evening services, which were not the fire-and-brimstone preachings we expected. There was a lot of love thy neighbor and forgiveness. I wondered if I would ever forgive my parents.

By the weekend we were too tired and sore to worry about minor things, like being chased by my parents or the police. Rusty was right, we needed the escape from the real world. Saturday morning we were told that the group was to get a special treat. Sophia Manyfeathers, a noted local Native American artist, would be here most of the day to teach us how to make traditional bark, grass, and reed baskets. A few girls groaned, but Rusty and I smiled at each other.

We had tried American Indian basket-weaving as a topic for freshman honors history, and won the school prize for best original presentation. By late afternoon we were her star pupils, most of the others having dropped out from frustration and sore fingers. I was startled to see the old woman, Sophia, staring intently at me. "You are more than you seem, young one." I missed a weave and tried to get behind Rusty, who was carefully watching her. "Do not be afraid, your secret is safe with me." We looked around; we were the only ones present.

"But how..?" she smiled.

"I have been called many things, including a wise woman. You have an aura of fear about you. Few young men choose the path you are taking, for it is one of great peril, and rewards."

"I, I never chose this," I waved at my body. It was forced on me, and..."

"And yet you carry yourself with dignity. We have many choices in our lives. We may take one of many paths, many times. Thus, within the weave of the world, we determine our destinies." She held up a small grass basket "This is my pattern. Yours are different." She looked at our baskets, and her face grew pensive. "Your lives are interwoven; visualize the patterns of your baskets together." We tried. And I saw what she meant. Overlaid, they made a coherent, flowing pattern. When I overlaid mine and Sophia's, there was visual turmoil, cacophony.

She reached in one of her baskets, and handed us a card. "If your paths cross this area in the future, and I am alive to greet you, I welcome you to my home. Should your stories be joyful, they should be woven into a basket for all to marvel." Another girl came over, and we silently went back to weaving. I felt strange, wondering how the old woman could read who I was, and where I was going. Faith comes in many forms, I guessed. And it must be that those who watch over us do so not to mock, but to marvel.

After dinner we went back to our room, showered silently, and curled up together to ponder Sophia's words, and our future. We really attended Sunday services, in body and spirit. Not that we believed as they did, but that we believed in something.

We spent our last week at the retreat pointedly not discussing what we would do next. We played with the other girls, and with Rusty's help I slowly and steadily became more feminine in my movements. That Friday, it was with real tears we parted from the others, and were driven back the village to catch our "return" bus. When the shuttle from the retreat departed, we hugged our newfound friends, and carrying our packs, quietly hiked away.

By evening we were exhausted, but had found a wooded area that looked like a good place to camp for the night. On our way out of town, we had purchased supplies, so dinner was simple and nutritious. Our small, camouflaged tent blended in well, and we closed up early. The woods were quiet except for an owl and the sounds of the wind. Sleep came easily. We traveled another day in the sun, and camped in the rocks along an abandoned powerline trail.

The next morning was gray and cool, and I pulled out my radio to listen for a weather report. It was not encouraging. From the map that Rusty carried, we were a very long day's journey from the nearest State campground. The weather was supposed to become awful by tomorrow, powerful thunderstorms and high winds. Here in the mountains it would be really nasty, and possibly very dangerous. We ate lightly, and quickly packed our gear and headed north towards the campground. There we could seek shelter in one of the pavilions if things got really bad.

We never made it to the campground. By early afternoon we were just over halfway to our destination when the skies turned a dark, greenish-gray. Rusty pulled my radio out of my pack for me, and I searched for a weather report as we hiked. It was bad. There was a severe storm warning for our area, beginning in less than half an hour. We quit worrying about reaching the campground, and started looking for shelter. But the road we were following traversed a high ridge, and there was no shelter to be found. The map showed a crossroads about three miles ahead, and it looked like there might be something there. So we hurried. When the wind started blowing us around, despite our heavy packs, it looked like we were in for trouble.

Then the rain started. Heavy, cold, wind-blown rain. We pulled out our rain gear, and tried to continue. Then it started to hail. In desperation we wedged ourselves against an embankment, and used our packs as shields. When lightning started to strike nearby, we pulled against each other, awaiting the worst.

Suddenly our packs were yanked off us, and a huge man in a yellow rain jacket shouted at us to follow him. He literally tossed our packs, and then each of us, into the sleeper cab of his truck, and slammed the door, sealing us in. We felt another door slam, and the truck jumped and roared as it began accelerating. Rusty was scared so badly she was shaking and sobbing. So we held each other as the truck made it's way through the storm. The only window in the sleeper was in the door, and we could feel the truck sway as it was battered by the wind.

"Alexi, are we being kidnapped, or..." Her eyes were wide with fright.

"I don't think so. But whoever grabbed us is not stopping. And we can't get out at this speed." She nodded. "So lets relax and dry out. And hope the person is kind and friendly, because we don't have a chance against him." That made her shiver and grab me. The sleeper was warm and dry, so we shed our rain gear, and huddled together as we prepared to face the unknown. We woke as the truck slowed, and bounced as it turned onto a muddy side road. A mile or so further, it stopped, and as we tried to open the door, it was pushed shut and we heard a metallic click. A quick check told us we were prisoners. The door was locked from the outside.

We watched in terror out the tiny window as the truck backed its load up to a building, and soon felt the trailer being disconnected. Without comment or explanation, the truck, with us as the remaining cargo, pulled out and headed back to the highway. Many miles later the truck again turned off, and headed up and back into the mountains. The road was rough, and got worse as we went deeper into the woods. Soon we wound our way down a side-road, and through what sounded like running water to a clearing, where the truck stopped, and the engine was turned off. We heard someone get out, and then there was a metallic sound at the door. When it opened, we were faced by the huge man, and asked, though it sounded like an order, to grab our stuff and run for the cabin door.

It looked more like a log stockade. But we were too scared to argue, so carrying our packs and rain-gear, we ran through the rain and onto the covered porch. He followed, and as he opened the door he hollered "Nancy, I brought you some company." We were herded inside. The place was well furnished, but there were no lights on.

"Put your stuff over by the window, and make yourselves comfortable." We moved our packs as he lit a pair of kerosene lamps. "Don't have electricity unless we turn on the generator. Name's Jonathan." He peeled off his rain gear.

We clung to each other. He looked like a small mountain, rough and furry. Stories of teenage hitchhikers being kidnapped and raped or murdered were flashing through my mind. "Daddy, why are you scaring our guests?" A soft, quiet girl's voice came from behind us. We spun around, and found ourselves facing a young woman, about our age, in wheelchair.

She stared at us. "Daddy, no, not again." There was fear in her eyes.

"They were caught in the storm, and it has been so long since you have had anyone your age to..."

"NOoo...!" She wailed, spun her chair around, and disappeared into another room, crying.

He dashed in after her. "Nancy, please, I'm only trying to help you." "Ouch" We heard something hitting the floor. He dashed back out, followed by a large book. I wanted to laugh, but the look on his face was more sad than hurt.

He sagged into a chair, covered his face, and started to cry. Rusty and I stared at each other. Nothing was making sense. Why would someone kidnap us so his daughter, if that was what she was, would have someone around? Was she being held prisoner?

And then it came to me. She was a prisoner in her wheelchair. Just like I was a prisoner in my body. And her father cared so much he was willing to do anything to help her. "Rusty, go talk to her. She needs someone right now."

"But what about him? Aren't you afraid he'll..." I shook my head.

"No." Rusty went. I carefully approached the crying man. "You don't mean to hurt us, do you?"

He looked at me, and shook his head. "I saw you two needing help, and I thought of my daughter, and could not leave you to the storm, and I couldn't let you go until I found out if Nancy might be a able to have some company her age for a little while, and now she's more unhappy and I'm sorry, and..." He put his head back in his hands.

I don't know why, but I climbed on his lap and hugged him. He almost pushed me off, then broke down completely. He was hugging me to him and bawling on my shoulder when the girl's voice could be heard above his sobs. "Daddy, please don't cry. I love you." We both looked across the room. Rusty was pushing the wheelchair-bound young woman over to us. I pried myself away, and Rusty lifted the girl's slight body out of the chair, and onto his lap. As they held each other, Rusty went and got a blanket and covered her.

We watched as they let a lot of pent-up emotions free. Rusty held me close. "I think you were right. He wouldn't hurt anyone. Except himself." There was a brilliant flash of light and a tremendous boom, and Rusty almost jumped out of her clothes. The man, Jonathan, put his daughter back in her wheelchair, and covered her with the blanket, then went to the door and looked outside. And forced the door back closed against the wind and driving rain.

He faced Rusty and me. "I will take you wherever you want tomorrow. It's not safe to travel in this storm. If it will make you feel better, I will sleep outside in my truck." He shook his head, and held his daughter's hand. "I am sorry for what I have done. Please, don't hold it against me. It's just that Nancy is so alone, and I've tried to be a good father and companion to her since the accident, but it's so... hard..." He started to cry again.

I pulled Rusty against me. "Please, it's okay. We don't have anywhere we need to be, and this is a lot better than our little tent." I paused, and continued in a small voice "But is there a bathroom I can use?" They both laughed, and Nancy told me to follow her. She could really move fast in her chair.

Shortly I felt much better, and was replaced immediately by Rusty, who was jumping up and down. When everyone was back in the main room, Nancy asked if we were hungry.

"Don't worry about us, you don't need to..."

"I may be crippled, but I'm not helpless." She snapped at me, then looked frightened. "I'm sorry, it's just..."

"No, don't be sorry. I'm the one who should apologize." I looked at my body "If anyone should understand that, it should be me." I slowly sank to the floor, and Rusty came over to hold me. The fears came back, and I started to shake.

Jonathan was watching us quietly, and Nancy wheeled herself over to me. "Hey, I'm not worth crying over." That made me feel worse. "I mean. You're pretty, and everything works, and..." I jumped up, pulling away from Rusty, and yanking the door open ran out into the storm.

I didn't want to be pretty, and what I wanted to work no longer worked right. And she had a father that loved her, and except for Rusty, no one cared if I lived or died. I could hear rushing water. The road headed down into a valley. Maybe, I thought, this was the time to quit hurting. I started running down the muddy road, oblivious to Rusty's screaming for me to stop.

Soon I could see a brown, foaming torrent cutting a path across the road. I picked up speed. No more fighting. I was an abomination that should not be. Something hit me from behind, and I skidded face-down through the goo. As I tried to spit out mud and leaves, I was tossed over Jonathan's shoulder, and hauled back to the cabin. Instead of taking me inside, he shoved me under the runoff from the roof, and stripped my mud-soaked clothes off, rinsing me as he went. I was cold and my mind was screaming and I wasn't able to stop him from removing my panties. He froze, and I figured I was about to die. Instead he silently finished rinsing me, and tossed me in the door, telling Rusty to keep me there until he was cleaned off.

When I looked up, Rusty was staring at me in shock, and Nancy was staring wide-eyed at my crotch. I collapsed to the floor, and was surprised when Nancy rolled over to me and dropped her blanket over my bare body. I was rolled up in the blanket, crying, and being held by Rusty when Jonathan came back in. He said something to Nancy, who whispered something to Rusty. I watched as they both headed through a doorway.

Jonathan pulled up a chair, and looked carefully at me. "You just tried to kill yourself. Why?"

"I'm a freak. My parents did this to me and now I'm not a boy, and I don't want to be a girl."

He looked at me strangely, and called his daughter and Rusty back into the room.

I stared at them, and hung my head. "Okay. I'll tell you the whole ugly story. Then you give me a good reason why I shouldn't kill myself." Nancy and Rusty looked scared. Nancy's father looked sadly at me, and nodded. "When I was young, Mom and Dad were always having terrible fights, and then one day Dad suddenly stopped fighting and began doing everything she asked. I asked him what had happened, and he said to do as Mom said, and everything would be fine. But he looked awful. Soon Mom had me start taking some pills she said would keep me from growing up like my dad. And she started to correct my behavior whenever I didn't act like what she claimed was proper. Then she made me quit sports and grow my hair. Dad avoided me, and Mom kept saying he was a wimp and a poor excuse for a man. But she had me doing laundry and dishes and sewing and things I thought were usually done by girls.

About a year later I started to feel funny, and my nipples started to get tender and grow. So mom made me wear soft, frilly girls' tank tops under my shirts, and sent a letter to the school excusing me from gym. When I started to grow breasts, and my bottom and hips got wider, she said I had a hormone problem, and that it would fix itself in a couple of years. Then she started making me wear girl's shirts and jeans, and threw away my jockey shorts and bought me panties. All the kids at school made fun of me, but she told me to quit complaining and laughed as she told me to act like a man. Which was awful, because I looked and sounded like a girl. And as I grew bigger on top she made wear a bra. Then six months ago she started to do things to my face, like plucking my eyebrows and setting my hair, which made me look even more like a girl. And getting my ears pierced and making me wear earrings. The kids at school all said I was gay. I just wanted to die, but Mom kept saying she would soon make sure everything was fixed so I would not have any more problems.

About three weeks ago I was feeling ill late at night, and went to ask Mom for something for my stomach, when I heard her and Dad arguing in their bedroom. So I listened at their door. Dad was begging Mom to stop what she was doing to me. She told him it was his choice, for cheating with his secretary, getting her pregnant, and stealing money to support her. She called him a worm, and said that soon enough the changes to me would be permanent, and that she would then be sure that his little girly-boy son would never be able to treat a woman the way he had."

I spit the last part out bitterly. "That was when I knew that the changes were her doing, and that ever since Dad quit fighting her, she had been doing her best to make a freak out of me. I went back to my room, and decided to run away the next day. But when I called Rusty, my only friend, she said to stick around for a couple of days, and collect money and supplies, and that she would come with me to make sure I would be okay. I was feeling so alone and depressed I agreed." I looked hard at Nancy and her father. "So with Rusty's help I bought us traveling clothes and stuff, and disappeared. We spent the last two weeks at a girls' religious retreat. We were heading for the coast to try and find a place where we could stay until I can find out if I can ever go back to be a boy again, when we got caught in the storm."

"I'm a freak. I think like a boy, and I like girls. But I look and act and even sound like a girl. And the parts that make me a boy don't work right, which means I can't ever be a man and you ask why I want to die?" I pulled Rusty tighter against me. "I have no reason to live, no future, no family. Except for Rusty, no one cares if I live or die. And despite her pleading, I won't let her be saddled with someone as pitiful as me."

Rusty started to cry again. I held her tightly. And wished I had reached the torrent, to be washed away from my pain.

Rusty and I felt ourselves lifted and hugged by Jonathan. When he set us down, he asked if I would agree to not do anything to hurt myself while at his house. "Nancy and I have seen enough pain in our lives. You are welcome to stay here until the road is repaired, but please, don't do anything to cause her more pain." I looked at Nancy, and she hung her head and nodded. Now I was stymied. I didn't want to keep living, and I didn't want to hurt anyone.

"Please, Alexi, it's so lonely up here, and having you two around for a few days, despite Daddy's methods," she glared at her father, "really would mean a lot to me." Rusty was giving me a pleading look.

I nodded. "Okay, you win." I had to unwrap Rusty, and was surprised to see Nancy had tears in her eyes. "So what's for dinner?" Rusty swatted me, and Nancy asked her to help in the kitchen..

Jonathan pulled me aside. "Want to learn how to stoke a fire?" Soon I was checked out on splitting kindling and filling a big, strange looking stone stove that made up a part of one wall. "One load of wood and it will keep the cabin warm for hours in the coldest weather." Once it was fired up, he told me it would be an hour before we would begin to feel the heat. Just before we were supposed to have dinner, he fired up the generator, and we had lights.

"We run the generator for at least four hours every day. That keeps the batteries charged and the freezers cold. And lets Nancy use the big television."

Dinner was some sort of spicy chicken casserole, and several types of vegetables. We drank tea, and ate quietly. I helped Jonathan with the dishes. After dinner Jonathan put on his rain gear, and told us he had to check the homestead and road for damage from the storm. So Nancy, Rusty and I sat around, and Nancy told us her story.

"Two years ago Dad and Mom owned their own trucking company, and we lived in a big house in Montpelier. This was our vacation place. I rode shotgun with Mom or Dad when they made long-hauls during the summer." She paused, and sat quietly for a moment. "It was that July they got a request for an emergency run to the Midwest with a load of hardwood for a custom furniture maker. Mom took the run, and I tagged along. We were just outside of Cincinnati when a gust of wind caught the trailer beside us, and the driver lost control. Mom had a choice of running over several cars full of people, or riding out the crash. There was no choice in her mind. She knew our load was heavy, and sacrificed our truck to deflect the out-of-control rig away from the cars."

There were tears in her eyes. "When everything stopped moving, Mom was dead, and I was pinned under the remains of our load. By the time I was finally freed, I could not feel my feet. The doctors did what they could, but said the impact damaged my spine." She sat as tall as she could in her wheelchair. "Dad was devastated by Mom's death and my injuries. So he let the company die, and when they foreclosed on our remaining rigs and house, we moved up here, where he's been helping me learn to deal with being crippled, and starting to rebuild our lives. He owns the rig he drives, and maybe, someday, we will be able to afford for me to go off to college. As it stands now, I go to high school by correspondence, and they send a special bus out once a week during school to bring me to the town so I can meet with my teachers.

So in a way I can understand how you can feel trapped in your body." She tapped one of her shriveled legs "And yet I would trade you in a moment to be able to walk again." Nancy started to cry, and Rusty held her. I didn't know what to do. Something Sophia Manyfeathers had said. I was traveling a path of many perils and rewards. Was the storm a peril and Nancy a reward? I had much thinking to do.

We were all sitting quietly when Jonathan returned, looking weary. "I'm afraid I may have been hasty in saying I would drive you two to town tomorrow." We stared at him. "The storm washed out the beaver ponds upstream, and the creek's cut a gorge across the road big enough to park a bus in. When it gets light in the morning I'll check the damage and radio the county, but it could be a couple of weeks before they can make repairs."

Rusty and I stared at each other. That would put us at the start of school, and make travel difficult and dangerous. "Um, is there a way we could like, maybe, find a way to hike out?"

He looked at Rusty. "Even I wouldn't try hiking out till the weather's been clear for days. Upstream it's rocky and overgrown, and down further is a killer swamp and bog. I'd venture at least a week. But you are welcome to stay. We've got plenty of food and fuel, and you two can stay in the living room, or in Nancy's room if she doesn't mind the company." Nancy was smiling at us. "Either way, it's getting late and time to shut off the generator."

"Please, stay with me." Nancy sounded wishful.

"But I'm a boy..." I looked at myself, and stared to curl up inside.

"And I'm lonely. Besides, your girlfriend will keep you out of trouble." She realized what she said was wrong when I started to sob. Jonathan quietly got up and left.

Rusty looked angrily at her. "He can't get into trouble, even if he wants to. Do you understand? It's like someone saying to you don't get up and run off." I clung to Rusty. Nancy started to cry.

"Enough!" Both girls looked at me. "Nancy didn't know, and she didn't deserve to be hurt." Rusty made apologetic motions, and Nancy nodded. "And I'm tired and cranky and can we all just get some sleep?"

We all wound up in Nancy's bed. With me in the middle. When I snuggled against Nancy, she started to cry. I pulled back, and she grabbed me. "Please, it's been so long since anyone held me at night..." We re-arranged. Rusty and I made her into a snuggle sandwich. Nancy cried herself asleep -- not from pain, but from happiness.

The next morning Nancy woke us so she could get out of bed to use the bathroom. When she returned, saying, "the weather is worse than yesterday," we decided sleep was more important than breakfast. It was nearly noon when we all managed to make it into the kitchen, where we found Jonathan reading a book. I was dressed in a skirt and tank top, just like Rusty.

Jonathan looked at the smile on Nancy's face and gave her a hug and kiss. "That's the best smile I've seen in a long time." Nancy blushed, and nodded. "So does anyone want breakfast?" We ate like teenage piranhas. As we were munching, Jonathan relayed that he had radioed the county, and ours was one of many washed-out roads. "They could not give me an estimate until it stops raining, but they have several damaged bridges and said we are pretty far down the priority list. Once the weather clears they will helicopter in supplies if we run low, but other than that it's just a matter of waiting."

When he started again to apologize, Rusty stopped him. "We could be dead of exposure out on that ridge, and you didn't mean anyone any harm. So quit apologizing, okay? Besides, no one is going to be looking for us here." I nodded, and Nancy giggled. "So what chores can we do to help earn our keep?"

It turned out that the rain had washed out a large part of their garden, leaving lots of vegetables to be frozen, canned, or wasted. For the next two days Rusty and I alternated with each other helping Nancy with preparation, and helping Jonathan picking, pulling and digging. In the evenings we listened to the radio and spent a lot of quiet time snuggling and thinking. Nancy was a hug-a-holic. And Rusty was not shy about snuggling to another girl, or upset for me to snuggle Nancy alone. I began to wonder how Nancy was going to cope when Rusty and I left. Every day she seemed more alive and mobile.

On the fourth day we cleaned up the yard and helped Jonathan collect downed trees for firewood. It was late in the afternoon, and we were enjoying some fresh-baked bread when we heard a helicopter. When we looked out and saw it belonged to the state police, Rusty and I were terrified, but Jonathan simply told us to stay in Nancy's bedroom unless he called for us. We heard the 'copter touch down in front of the cabin, and the engine shut down.

I clung to Rusty, afraid they had come to take us away. We almost lost it when Nancy rolled in and told us to come out and meet their visitors. We held each other, and in the living room came face to face with a pair of uniformed troopers. "Alexi, Rusty, meet my brother Jeremy, and his partner Steve." We carefully shook hands with the two smiling men in uniform. "They brought us a bunch of fresh groceries courtesy of the State." He pointed to three large boxes by the kitchen.

Jonathan looked at me. "Alexi, I want to tell Jeremy and Steve about you two. They can be trusted, and may have some ideas on what can be done to help you. If nothing else, they might be willing to give you a lift out of here."

I started to shake, and Rusty grabbed me as I curled up into a ball on the floor. Nancy rolled over to us, and slid out of her chair to join in the hug. When I looked at her, she nodded. I managed to get out "okay, but only if they promise to forget us if we ask."

The two looked concerned, but nodded.

I unwound, and with Rusty's help put Nancy on the couch. They both held me while Jonathan recited almost verbatim my story, including my dash for the creek. Steve cringed when he heard what my parents had done to me. "And you're really a boy, despite the..." Steve made hourglass motions. I nodded. Jeremy didn't seem to have any ideas, but was able to tell us all about the laws regarding runaways and unaccompanied children for the state. When Steve suddenly exclaimed "got it!" we stared at him.

"Jeremy, remember that crazy call we got just after we got out of the academy? The one about a busload of kids having been kidnapped and who were being hauled in chains to somewhere in the mountains?" It was like a flash went off. "If anyone would know how to help these two..." We all looked at them like they were nuts. Jeremy took the lead.

"It turned out that there is, and has been for many years, a strange high school dedicated to helping boys become girl, located in the western part of the state. The "kidnapped" kids were new students, some of whom were restrained for various reasons, all legal and everything." He looked thoughtful. "The idea has always given me the creeps, but..."

He looked at Rusty and me. "I can run some checks tomorrow, without raising any flags, to see if either of you are listed as missing or wanted. But it's time we got going. We'll give Jonathan a call on his cell phone tomorrow afternoon if we learn anything." We all received hugs from Jeremy, and soon watched as Steve piloted the chopper up and away from the clearing.

There was fresh milk, and fruit, and a bunch of canned stuff that was immediately consigned to their pantry. We didn't talk much. I was scared and afraid, and Rusty seemed almost defiant. Nancy looked sad, and I realized she was anticipating our departure. Rusty and I told Nancy we needed some space to talk, and curled up in a corner of the living room together.

"Alexi, if what the troopers said is true, there may be someone who can help you find out if you can return to being Alex."

"Why would they? If it's a school for boys who want to be girls, they won't want to help me. And what if the troopers were lying, and they are calling our parents right now to arrange for our return?"

"Then we claim that you were abused, and force them to get you a medical evaluation. I'll get stuck in a foster home again, but I'm used to that." She sounded worse than her words.

"Maybe I should just go back to the creek and..."

"And break your promise, and hurt Nancy?" I looked at her and sighed -- deeply. She was right. I didn't want to cause anyone else harm. I held her close and we fell asleep on the floor.

I woke up in Nancy's bed, sandwiched between Nancy and Rusty. I figured Jonathan must have picked us both up when we were asleep and put us in bed. It was so strange to be treated by an adult as something more than an irritant or burden -- regardless of how I looked. It was a quiet morning. Nancy was depressed, and for some reason Rusty seemed angry with the world. Jonathan seemed pensive, and spent a lot of time talking quietly with Nancy.

In mid-afternoon Jonathan received a call on his cellular telephone, and headed outside to talk. I held tightly to Rusty, and was not surprised when Nancy joined us. "Dad thinks that Uncle Jeremy is your best bet to find something before school starts. Trust him, please?" We finally nodded. She seemed really upset.

"Nancy, you're afraid of what will happen when we leave. Aren't you?" Trust Rusty to be to the point. Nancy covered her face, and nodded. "You don't want to be alone any more." Nancy grabbed Rusty and pulled her against her chair.

"I've been so lonely, and you and Alexi have been so wonderful and don't care if I'm crippled, and..." She broke down crying. I joined in the hug, and wondered if my problems were really as bad as they seemed. That was how Jonathan found us when he came inside.

We separated and looked at him through tear-sticky eyes. "Hey, the news isn't all bad." He went and got enough tissues and damp washcloths to go around. "Jeremy contacted that strange school, a place called the Janbury Academy, and they are apparently very willing to see what can be done to help Alexi. The bad news is that Rusty is listed as a runaway on the computer, even though you are not. So the moment she shows her face in public and someone recognizes or identifies her, she will be apprehended and shipped back.

I watched as Rusty seemed to deflate and sobbed on my shoulder. "Does she have to go back?"

"Jeremy told me that once she is officially "found", their hands are usually tied by federal law." Rusty was shaking and I was suddenly afraid she would do something to herself rather than go back. "Before she, or anyone, gives up hope, Steve, in a very unofficial capacity, told me he had an idea."

We all looked up at Jonathan. "He wouldn't give me any details over the phone, but said they would be out in the next few days to discuss his idea, and bring us more groceries. The bad news is that the road won't be fixed for at least two more weeks. The state has offered to fly us out and put us up in a shelter, but I told them we were fine here. So whatever happens, no one is going anywhere for a while, except by helicopter."

Nancy broke out in smiles. Rusty and I just stared at each other. Here we were safe, but not making any progress. And school would start long before we could settle somewhere. I felt like my life was stuck in call waiting, and someone had disconnected the phone. Jonathan was not going to let any of us mope, and we wound up outside helping him repair the runoff damage to the long driveway as Nancy watched and gave us encouragement.

The next Wednesday came, and it was early afternoon when we again heard the sound of a helicopter coming in for a landing. Rusty and I hid in Nancy's room, and were terrified when Jonathan, accompanied by Steve and Jeremy, escorted two strangers in to meet us. Jeremy made the introductions.

"Rusty, Alexi, Nancy, Meet Dr. Willis, from the Janbury Academy, and Sharon Taylor, from the State Division of Child Protection." Rusty screamed and tried to dash out of the room, but Steve easily caught her and carried her back inside.

"You promised and..."

"Rusty, I'm not here to take you away." Rusty and I looked at the woman. "Officially I am here to check on an anonymously" she coughed and looked at Steve" voiced concern about Nancy's health, which provided a convenient cover story for my visit. Steve asked me to come and talk to both of you to see if there is anything the State can do to help either of you two. Officially or unofficially." Steve put Rusty down and she clung to me.

The man identified as Dr. Willis spoke up. "I am here because Jeremy called Janbury about your situation, and aside from being the head psychologist at Janbury Academy, I have a personal interest in children with gender identity issues. Especially in cases where children have been forced into a conflicting gender role." He looked at me. "Alexi, or Alex, whichever you prefer, I would like to take you back to Janbury with me as my guest for several weeks. There I can arrange for you to receive a complete physical and psychological examination, and you can meet and talk with other boys who are in the process of learning to be young women."

"They said everyone there wants to be a girl. I don't. I want to be a boy again."

"We have several students who have medical conditions that are causing them to develop as girls against their wishes, or who lost their male organs to accident or disease and are exploring the idea of becoming girls rather than just being neutral." We all stared at him.

"When the examinations and evaluation are finished, I will return you to Jonathan, and if you wish, any official record of your visit will conveniently disappear."

"But what about Rusty..."

The woman took over. "She would not fit in at Janbury even as a visitor. They are adamant about no genetic girls allowed. And her documentation would be difficult to handle there. However, my office has an unofficial hands-off policy concerning self-supporting runaways that are neither criminals nor dangers to themselves or others. With Steve's help I looked up your record, which, aside from running away repeatedly, is clean." She looked hard at Rusty. "My first inclination was to simply leave you alone, per my agreement with Steve. But Jeremy made a suggestion, so I made an off-record call to my counterparts back in your state."

Rusty managed a "Nooo..." and slid to the floor sobbing. "You promised and..."

"And hear me out. You have no advocates back in the Midwest, especially in their overloaded child protection system. When I suggested that we could enroll you in a program here, they were more than willing to fax us a release turning you over to this state's responsibility. And, I should add, this state's financial responsibility as well. So as of this morning, you are officially under the jurisdiction of my office." Rusty looked startled and scared.

"Are you going to take me away?"

"That depends on Jonathan. Since, according to the police, you have no criminal record, there is no reason to consider you a danger to yourself or others. Like most states, we have few placements for older children. But we do have the discretion of placing a needy child over the age of fourteen with a friend's family if that family is willing to accept the child." We could hear Nancy gasp. The woman faced Jonathan. "We provide a stipend of a little over five hundred dollars a month to cover a child's food and necessities, and we pay for medical care for the child. This would allow Rusty to remain with Nancy, if the three of you agree."

Nancy rolled over my foot on her way to Rusty. "Please, stay with me..." Her voice was almost desperate. Rusty looked at me, and I nodded. It was a wet threesome that agreed that Rusty was to stay. I was surprised when Dr. Willis asked me if it bothered me that Rusty had found a place for herself.

"She is my best friend. She deserves to have a family. I just wish I had one that cared for me." He gave me a hug.

"Ready to come with me? I still promise to return you to Jonathan when we're finished." Rusty was listening, and came over to me.

"Alexi, I..." I nodded.

"Let's go before I change my mind."

I was wedged tightly between Mrs. Taylor and Dr. Willis in the back of the helicopter as we flew over the mountains. When we landed at the state police barracks in Montpelier, I was afraid I'd been tricked, but Dr. Willis said he didn't want a police helicopter to scare the others at Janbury, so we were driving back. Jeremy, Steve, and Mrs. Taylor all gave me hugs, and wished me well. It was a long drive, and the strain took it's toll. Dr. Willis woke me when we were parked. "Alexi, were here." I sat up and looked around. It looked like a school. Only girls were visible. "Yes, every student you see is really a boy."

"But they look like real girls!" I paused as a very male looking girl passed by the car. "Well, most of them, anyway." He chuckled.

"You will be staying in the same dormitory as the other students here, and attending classes with them, just like a regular student. Classes begin next week, so you will have a chance to get to know many of the other students before school starts." He looked at me. "You are already more feminine than many of the students here, whether you like it or not. Regardless of the outcome of your physical, I recommend making the most of your time here." He escorted me to a room on the second floor of a dormitory. There I met the girl who was to be my roommate.

"Hi Dr. W!" A tall, leggy redhead with beautiful eyes came over and gave him a kiss. "And who is your pretty companion?" She extended a large, well-manicured hand to me.

"Tammy, Meet Alexi. Alexi, meet Tammy. Tammy is a third-year student here, and is one of the students who has always wanted to be a girl." He turned to Tammy. "Alexi is a runaway who was forcibly feminized by her mother, and is trying to find our whether she can ever return to being a boy." I was surprised at the look of pity that crossed Tammy's face. "So please help her in any way you can. She will be attending school here for at least several weeks, so she will need the standard new student orientation." He looked at his watch. "And she should get ready for dinner, as we have had a long day." With that he gave me a hug, and left.

Tammy and I stared at each other. "So you don't want to be a girl?" I shook my head. She looked carefully at my chest. "They're real, right?" I nodded. "Half the girls here will be green with envy. Mine finally started growing last year." She stuck out her chest. I was bigger.

"Dr. Willis said you always wanted to be a girl." She smiled.

"Ever since I was little, I felt like I was born in the wrong body. I always liked to play with dolls and dress in pretty outfits. My father thought I was a sissy, and gave me hell, and Mom just thought I was weird. I guess I was lucky. The psychologist they sent me to understood that my situation was not something you treat and change, so he managed to get my parents to let me be a girl part-time as I grew up. When they finally realized I was, inside, their daughter, not their son, they sent me here to help me learn to be a girl." She got up and looked at me. "When I'm old enough, I want to have the surgery to make me a complete girl. But for now I'm content to take my hormones and learn the skills other girls learn at home.

Anyway, you need to get ready for dinner. Do you have anything other than shorts and tank-tops?" I nodded and pulled a miniskirt out of my backpack. She shook her head. "Tell you what, take a shower and I'll see if I can find you something appropriate. Dinners here are sort of formal" I found myself handed a razor, shaving gel, shampoo and a towel, and was propelled into the large bathroom our room shared with another couple of students. There was lots of hot water, and I luxuriated for a while before attending to business. When I came out, wrapped in a towel, I found Tammy and another girl waiting for me. I blushed, and tried to hide.

"Hey, didn't mean to scare you. This is Felicity, who's going to help me find you some clothes." I looked at the new girl. She was almost exactly my size and build. And she was holding a tape measure. "So drop the towel and let's get started." When I hesitated, Felicity spoke up.

"Hey, like we're all girls here." She attempted a vamp, and I realized that here, how I was built didn't matter. So I dropped the towel. I was checked over from top to bottom. "Good God, girl, I wish I had a figure like that." I blushed.

"But you're..." She pulled off her blouse and bra.

"Lots of padding, darn it. But mine are still growing, so there's a chance. But I'm still jealous. Now hold still, 'cause I need to get the measurements right." I stood still while she measured. She looked at my crotch, and I cringed. "I don't think you need a gaff. Do you get much bigger when...?"

"Not really." I looked at my feet. "I'm not even sure if it still works."

"Alexi's mother turned her into a girl, and she doesn't want to be like us, but she isn't sure if she can be a boy again either." Felicity stared at me. "Dr. W. brought her here to see if anything can be done. So he asked me to do my best to help her fit in while they run some tests and things."

"God, I'm sorry, like, a lot of us wish our families would have done what your mother did, but..." She looked unhappy. "Maybe I should just forget about..."

"No." They stared at me. I was thinking again about what Sophia Manyfeathers had said. I chose to travel and fit in as a girl. What had she said? That I carried myself with dignity? "A wise person told me that I had chosen a perilous path, and that I traveled it with my head high. So if I have to look and act like a girl, I'm going to do it right." That got me hugs, and a tear or two from Tammy.

"Well, then let's get started." Felicity smiled. "I'll be back in a couple of minutes. Put on a pair of panties. No more sports bras for you." She rushed out of the room, and I heard Tammy chuckle.

"Well, while you are waiting, I'm going to get dressed." I watched as she stripped and put on what almost looked like an evening gown that set off her long legs. She had to tuck her male parts into a funny elastic garment. When she saw my questioning look, she shrugged. "It's called a gaff, and it keeps everything out of the way." When she added a pair of towering heels and brushed out her hair, there was no evidence she was, or had ever been, anything other than a tall, strikingly attractive girl. I was complimenting her on her appearance when Felicity returned. She had changed into a long dress and heels, and looked really nice.

"This can't be worn with a bra, and I'm not big enough to make it look decent." She held up a soft, deep-blue velvet dress with a daring neckline. "On you it should be awesome." She handed me the dress, a garter belt and stockings, and a pair of heels. "Hope the shoes fit. I got them from Amy, who says they are last-year's fashion, and you can keep them if they work."

Once I was in the stockings, they helped me with the dress. It had a built-in corset.

Soon I was standing very straight as they laced the dress on. Then came the shoes. I was suddenly glad for Mom's making me practice in heels, as they were at least four inches tall. Finally, the girls did my hair and added makeup and lipstick. They looked me over, and with strange expressions led me into the hall to a set of large mirrors.

I stared at myself. Mom had always dressed me up to look ridiculous, like a boy in girl's clothes. Rusty had dressed me so I could pass as a girl in pubic. But now I was dressed as a young woman, and I suddenly felt different inside. My breasts swelled against the dress as I breathed deeply. My hair framed my face and swung softly against my bare skin. It was as though I was suddenly in tune with my body after fighting the way I looked for so long.

They caught me as my knees buckled, and managed to get me to a chair. "Alexi, what's wrong?" Tammy's voice was tinged with fear.

"Am I awake? What is happening?" I waved at myself "This suddenly feels so, so RIGHT!" I started to shake, and they held me till I stopped quivering.

"Do you need us to go get Dr. Willis?"

"I'm just so confused. I'm not supposed to like wearing girls clothes, but these are so different, It's like my body belongs in them and that's wrong, because I'm a boy, but they're so pretty and..."

"And we are going to miss dinner if we don't get moving. Feel up to some food?" I looked at Tammy, and nodded. "And you really do look good in that outfit." I was walking on air as we headed for the cafeteria. I found myself strutting, my body swaying as I adapted my walk to the corset and tall heels. I no longer felt like a freak, and reveled in the freedom I was experiencing.

Dinner was a blur. The meal was excellent, but could have been ham sandwiches for all it mattered. All of my mother's lessons in manners and etiquette suddenly found an outlet. Felicity was staring at me as I carefully finished my dessert, blotting by lips on a napkin. "You said you don't want to be a girl, but you are as feminine as anyone here."

"My mother made me act like a girl, and I hated it. Yet, dressed like this, it all seems to fit. I'm confused as hell, but for the first time in years I don't feel like a freak, and I don't want to break the spell." I looked at her, feeling the old fears well up inside "Please, don't ask me to explain. I don't understand." She and Tammy hugged me and I felt warm and happy inside.

When we got back to our room, it took them several tries before I would agree to taking off the dress. I was so afraid the feelings would go away with the beautiful velvet. But when Felicity loaned me a silky nightgown, the feelings returned, and I curled up in my bed and ignored my misgivings as I let my mind wander to thoughts of Rusty, the two of us, dressed alike, living together as wife and wife.

I was still dreaming when the insistent pressure inside told me it was time to get up. Tammy was sitting up in bed watching me. "That must have been some dream, you were smiling and kissing the pillow." I turned red to my toes. And dashed madly for the bathroom. When I came out, Tammy was getting dressed in a short skirt and tank-top. "We only do formal for dinner and certain classes. And on weekends comfort is the way to go."

"Am I crazy?"

She sat on her bed and looked at me. "Why?"

"Because all of a sudden I don't feel it's wrong to look and act like a girl."

"It's not wrong."

"I'm not a girl. I don't want to be a girl."

"There is a difference between being a girl, and looking and acting like one. Some of us, like me, need to be girls. Down to nursing babies and wedding gowns and having husbands. Others just need to be feminine, but like being boys, and want wives and families." I stared at her. "Don't you see, there is no one right or wrong for everyone."

"But what about Felicity, doesn't she want to be a girl?"

"Hell no. She loves being soft and feminine and pretty. But even suggest she get her male parts cut off and she turns green. Me, I wish mine would fall off today. Now while you are totally confused, let's go get some breakfast before they close." She had to propel me out the door.

I spent the day, which was warm and humid, getting a tour of the facilities and grounds, and a thorough briefing on the schools rules and regulations. One thing was obvious; I was in better physical condition than most of the others. It was also obvious that the students varied from so absolutely feminine that I almost refused to believe they were really boys, to those who looked like I usually felt - a boy in a skirt. But all seemed to be trying to be who -- or was it what -- they needed to be.

Which brought up the question: Who and what did I need to be? So I chased Tammy off and found myself a quiet spot on a stone bench where I could sit in the shade and think. For so long I'd been fighting what I was, I had lost sight of what I wanted. I wanted to be a boy, but now it seemed that being a boy had a whole lot of different meanings. What was a boy or a girl, anyway?

A set of chromosomes? No, that defined male and female. Reproductive organs? Same. Appearance? Simply a shell. How one looks at life? Maybe. What was it Sophia said? I was taking a different path through life.

Did my mother's forcing me to look and act like a girl change who I was? I stared at the open field in front of me. Mom had changed my shell, but I was still the same person inside. Tammy was trapped in a boy's shell, and was fighting to make her shell match the girl inside. Felicity wanted to have a girl's shell, but was really a boy inside. I was getting a headache.

I was wearing the shell of a girl, and carrying the soul of a boy inside. Mom couldn't make a girl out of me, because she had no control over who I was, just what I looked like. Rusty didn't care what shell I wore. Neither did Nancy. So what was the problem? All at once I felt like a complete idiot. Nancy didn't change when she lost her ability to walk. Her appearance, and how she saw herself, did.

I got up and headed off to find Tammy. I finally found her at the swimming pool. So I headed back to the room. Rusty had insisted on buying me a bathing suit, even though I had told her I would never wear anything that feminine. I dug it out of my pack and squeezed myself into it. Aside from some strange tan lines, I looked pretty good. A quick check for stray hairs said I needed a trim. I giggled when I realized I was worried about my bikini line. A few minutes with a razor, and I grabbed a towel and headed for the pool.

Tammy almost inhaled water when I wiggled up to her. "Um, I thought you said..."

"I need to ask you some questions. Want to sit in the shade?" She nodded, and we found an empty bench.

"Am I a boy or girl?" Tammy stared at me with a shocked expression. "Not biologically. Am I a boy or girl? Be honest, it's important."

She sat there thinking, and looked troubled. "Alexi, no one is entirely a boy or girl inside. At least that's what they've taught me here, and I think it's correct. How we think, feel, and react to the world, and how we fit in determines if we're more boy or more girl. I've known you for a little more than a day. Usually I can tell pretty quick, but you don't fit either pattern real well. I think you could be either."

"Do I have to choose?" She looked at me.

"That part is something we are born with. Just like our bodies. And it's easier to change how we look than who we are." Tammy shivered, despite the warm day. "You are feeling like there is no place for you, right?" I nodded. "A lot of kids like me have killed themselves because they never accept who they are inside. I was lucky. I am who I am, and I like who I am. There is nothing wrong or diseased about it." She held tightly to my hand.

"If you got up in the morning, and it was pitch black in the room, would you know who you were?" I nodded. "Then, are you a boy or a girl?"

"I don't even think about it. I'm me."

"Then what's the problem?" All sorts of little lights went on, and I felt like I'd won the idiot of the month award.

"But what if they say I can't go back to being a boy?"

"What's a boy?" I was beginning to like the taste of my own feet.

"I mean what if I can't go back to looking like a boy?"

"Is it really important?" I thought about the velvet dress, and the jeans and shirts most girls wore. Now I had my feet in it up to my ankles.

"What if I..., I can't have kids?" It burned as it came out. That was the real question. Not how I looked, but if I could fill the role of a biological father.

Tammy pulled me to my feet. "We need to get you to Dr. Willis." I pulled her back to the bench.

"I'm not going to hurt myself." I looked at her. "You can't get pregnant, so how do you handle it?" She grabbed me and started to cry. Soon we were surrounded by other girls wanting to help. Tammy finally got it together and chased them off, saying we were okay.

"Let's go get ready for dinner, and I'll try and explain." We headed for the room, hand-in-hand.

On Tuesday I went to the clinic for a complete physical. By the time they were finished I had been poked, stuck, mortally embarrassed, and examined in places I had always considered off-limits. Tammy met me as I walked bow-legged out of the clinic. "I see they gave you their special treatment."

"Oww..."

"Don't worry, in a day or two everything will have shrunk back to normal size."

I tried to wither her with my look, but when I concentrated I had to pucker or have an accident. "No one warned me about the television camera!"

"Would you have shown up if they had?" I was too sore to take a swat at her. "So go take a long hot shower, then change for dinner." Food was not what I wanted. But the shower helped, and Tammy borrowed a loose jumper and some extra-soft panties for me. And a sanitary pad.

"Um, like I'm not a real girl?"

"Keeps things clean if you leak." I turned a bit green. And added the pad to my undies.

Dinner was quiet, and I didn't feel like eating much. I got a lot of sympathetic looks, and more than a couple of girls suggested I go to bed early. I didn't need their suggestion. I was asleep by seven.

The rest of the week was an introduction to femininity, school style. We had four hours of intense regular subjects, which I found were enjoyable. The lack of people making fun of me was the difference. We spent the afternoons studying fashion, makeup, deportment, and the myriad other skills that genetic girls learned as they grew up. In some areas I was with the most advanced students; in others, a rank beginner. But here the students wanted to learn, and any jokes were lighthearted.

Dr. Willis told me the results of the physicals would not be back until the middle of the next week, and started on his evaluation of me. Soon I knew how a lobster felt. Or a well-done steak. Saturday was a wonderful break. Tammy, Felicity, and several other girls planned a picnic, and included me in. Even the weather cooperated. By the end of the day I finally understood how other kids had felt when they were a part of the fun. And never wanted to leave. Sunday we cleaned and did laundry, and other mundane tasks while I was still basking in the glow from the picnic. The only thing missing was Rusty. Dr. Willis said that by the end of next week they should have the telephone lines to Jonathan's place repaired, and I would be able to give Rusty a call.

Monday and Tuesday I had short appointments with Dr. Willis, and began to worry that I was losing touch with the boy side of me. Janbury was like a fairy-tale land. Not that I wanted to be a girl, but the acceptance of who I was and how I appeared was so different from my many years in the Midwest. Tammy was worrying about me on Tuesday, because I was too nervous to eat dinner. "Tomorrow I get the results of my physical." Now she was worried, too.

Tammy wanted to skip school and join me at my conference with Dr. Willis and the medical doctor, but I pointed out that they probably wouldn't let her stay anyway. So she gave me a hug and a kiss, and wished me luck. I wished myself luck as I walked to the appointment. I was just not sure what I was wishing for.

They began with the routine stuff, and as I expected I was in excellent physical condition, and very healthy. "Alexi, you are also developing well as a young woman. I know that this is not what you wanted to hear, but the fact is that you are mostly through a girl's puberty, and have none of the features, such as a prominent Adam's apple or brow ridges that make it difficult for many of the students here to successfully attain a feminine appearance." I looked sadly at her. She looked at Dr. Willis, who nodded. "The results of the tests on your fertility are back. As you feared, it appears that the large doses of anti-androgens and hormones you mother gave you have completely eliminated sperm production. Much as I hate to tell you this, it appears you are irreversibly sterile. I'm sorry."

I stared at the doctor, and the floor. "There is nothing that can be done?"

"Not at the present time. Given the rate at which medicine is progressing, perhaps in ten or twenty years they may find a way to stimulate the body to regenerate the lost tissues, but for now, there is nothing medical science can do." I sat there trying to comprehend the finality of it while she gave me a long-term prescription for a slightly modified hormone dosage, and added a hug before leaving.

"Do you want to hear my report, or was that enough for one day?" I looked at Dr. Willis. His expression was inscrutable.

"Does it really matter? Now I'm stuck like this forever." I motioned at my dress. "Even if I could go back to looking like a boy, there's no profit in doing so. No girl deserves to marry someone who can't meet her needs, or father her children."

"According to whom?"

"Everyone knows that..." I bit off my reply. That is what I had heard and read. But so many things were not as they had seemed. I tried to recover. "Well, it makes sense." As it came out I knew I was in for it.

"And what does the ability to have children have to do with the way you look?" There was no good answer to that. "The real problem is that you are, from your point of view, trapped in a no-win situation. You equate the ability to father children with being male, and the ability to bear children with being female. And being unable to do either, you believe that there is no place for you, correct?"

I slowly nodded. "And you are aware how ridiculous that is?" I felt sick. "If you had been injured in a car wreck and lost your private parts, would you feel the same way?"

"But that's different!"

"Yes. You would look like a boy and still be unable to have children, and, as you put it, meet the needs of a woman. Would that mean your ability to enjoy life was over?"

I had to ponder what he was saying. The only difference would be my appearance.

"What your mother did to you was wrong, but it is old history, and you can't change the past. Part of growing up is learning to accept those things you cannot change, and go forward."

"But I'll always be alone and no one will ever love me and..." he looked sadly at me and shook his head. I realized I was throwing out old arguments when I knew better. "Okay, you've made your point." I got up and stretched. "So, oh great know-it-all, what should I do?" He chuckled.

"Quit worrying about what you are, and listen to your feelings about who you are. Use what is in your head, not what is missing from your underwear." He also got up and stretched. "We need to get out of this office and into the fresh air. Feel like going into town for dinner, my treat?" I looked at how I was dressed. It suddenly didn't seem to matter as much. I nodded.

As he drove me through the late-summer countryside, we talked about his psychological evaluation of me. "Remember all those questions about how you responded to different situations? Many of those questions are part of a very detailed analysis of just how masculine or feminine your personality is. All of the regular students undergo the same testing, much of which was developed by my predecessor, to ensure that they can benefit from Janbury's unique approach. Because you have been forced against your will to become feminine, I was extremely interested, as a scientist, at what your responses would be." We turned onto the main highway.

"Putting it bluntly, your innate personality is masculine, strongly enough that I would never have recommended you attend Janbury. But you are far less psychologically masculine than the average adolescent male. Some of that could be attributed to the hormones you have been taking, but you were, by your own admission, never the aggressive, rough-and-tumble youngster. Your own statement that your stay here at Janbury has been the most enjoyable time of your life, even though the activities here are anything by male-oriented, confirms this."

"Does this mean you think I want to be a girl?"

"No, that would be asking too much. But I believe that, given my observations, and your responses, you are capable of choosing either path, that of a boy, or a girl. What Doctor Simmons did not tell you is that it is possible for you, with androgen treatments and surgery, to return to a reasonably masculine appearance. It is my professional recommendation that you do not choose that option. For several reasons."

"You mean I can go back to being a boy?"

"You can return to an outwardly masculine appearance."

I sat there quietly as we traveled, and thought about what had been driving me for so long. And about Rusty, and Nancy, and what was really important in life. Dr. Willis let me cry to myself. I was red-eyed and stuffy when we pulled off the highway into a small town. "Still want some dinner?" I managed a nod.

I spent quite a while in the ladies room repairing my face, and washing the red out of my eyes. The small restaurant served Italian food, and Dr. Willis called a time out while we ate a wonderful dinner. I found myself expecting him to ask me if food tasted different when I was wearing pants instead of a skirt. Then I remembered the baskets Rusty and I wove at the retreat. Sophia was right. The patterns were ours, and my pattern had nothing to do with what I was. It all came from inside. I had been forced onto a path few others followed. But it was mine to choose which turns to take. What did she say about perils and rewards? They were my challenge, and my reward.

Because of me, Rusty had found the family she so desperately needed. Because of her, I came east, and learned about myself. Our lives were still connected. I needed to ask her what she thought. And thinking about Rusty and Nancy, I realized how absurd my fighting my body really was. "You win."

He looked at me, and raised his eyebrows. "I didn't know we were competing."

"I can try to change back, but for what? I think I just realized that I have accepted that the person inside is what is important." I waved at my body "the shell keeps us warm." He smiled and gave me a long, soft hug.

As we drove back towards Janbury, I wondered what I would do when I had to leave in a few days. "Dr. Willis, what would it take for me to remain at Janbury and graduate?"

He sighed. "Janbury is a private school. The only reason I was able to bring you here is that my research is important to their program. Tuition is as expensive as many of the ivy-league colleges, and there are no remaining scholarships available for this semester."

"If I could find a way to get the money, would you recommend me for admission?"

"Yes, but I am at a loss as to how you could raise that much money quickly."

My mind was working overtime. "I need to talk to Rusty, and to that woman from the State that flew out to meet us at Jonathan's. But I need one thing from you." I paused. "Can you, in good conscience, state that I have been abused by my parents?"

"Why?"

"I have trusted you. Please trust me."

"Then the answer is yes."

It was Saturday when I received a call from Rusty. She sounded happier than I had ever heard her. "Jonathan is considering adopting me, Alexi. But that would mean that I couldn't go with you and..."

"I'm not going anywhere, Rusty. The results of the medical tests were what I was afraid of, I'll never be able to have children." There was a long silence at the other end of the line.

"Damn, damn, damn, why is it when I finally find a home, you have to have your life ruined, and..."

"Rusty, I can live with it. But can you?"

"Alexi, I don't care if you can't get me pregnant. You are my friend, and I love you." I started to cry.

"Rusty, I've got to go now. I'll call you in a couple of days. Love you."

"Alexi, are you going to be okay?" There was fear in her voice.

"I'm just really emotional right now. And yes, I'll be fine. What will be a good time to call you?"

"After seven, but before noon tomorrow. Anytime Monday. Tuesday I will be taking the bus with Nancy to the school."

"I'll try to call Monday. Love you. Take care. And give everyone a hug and a kiss for me, Okay? Bye."

I stared at the telephone. I needed to write down what I was planning.

Tammy understood when I told her about my physical, and the discussion I had with Dr. Willis. We shared tears, as she again wished she and I could trade places.

Monday I went to the administration building, and called the woman from the state, Sharon Taylor, that had helped Rusty. When I got off the telephone my expression was hard. I took my written plan, and went looking for Dr. Willis.

I found him chatting with a student, and I patiently waited until he was free to approach. "Hello, Alexi." He looked at me closely. "What's wrong?" There was no concealing the concern in his voice. I sat next to him.

"I'm going home to confront my mother." His eyes narrowed. "As Alexi, a confident, teenage girl. I will take away any chance she has of feeling she has succeeded in ruining my life." I took a deep breath. "Then I intend to give her an ultimatum. Either she agrees to pay, in advance, two years tuition here for me, and agree to approve my petitioning for emancipation, or face criminal child abuse and neglect charges." Dr. Willis sat there quietly for a moment.

"Alexi, You are taking a great chance. Although there is no doubt in my mind that you were abused, I don't know how the laws in your state work. You could find yourself a ward of the state without a penny. Or she could become irrational and violent and cause you harm."

"Sharon Taylor, the lady that helped Rusty, said that she would check into how my home state works. She thinks that what I want to do is risky, but she had no better ideas. And this is the only way I can think of to get enough money for tuition."

"You are telling me that you have decided to stay as a young woman. Are you sure about your decision?" He was watching me carefully.

"Inside I will stay who I am. Outside" I shrugged "I am going to go with my body. Even in my short time here I've learned to appreciate what I have." I looked sharply at him. "I will need a letter and psychological report from you. Sharon says that the law requires you, under normal circumstances, to report child abuse cases to the police. Because the police brought me to your attention, it is her opinion that you have met your legal obligation. But without some sort of formal documentation, all I will have is my word against my parents, at least at first."

"What if she becomes violent? You have said you are afraid of her."

"That is a chance I will take. But I am no longer afraid of who she is. Her power over me is broken. And even in a skirt and heels I can outrun her." I smiled "I doubt that she will come after me if I run down the street screaming rape. Besides, I will make sure our meetings will be in a public place."

"There are still many risks."

"There is a risk that I will get killed on the bus trip home. I have made the decision to live. So will you write up a letter and an evaluation I can take with me?" Dr. Willis sat there with his eyes closed, thinking for quite a while. When he opened his eyes, he nodded.

"It will take at least a day. I will take you to the bus depot in Montpellier on Sunday. That should get you home early during the day on Tuesday. But before I can write the letter, I need to talk to Sharon, and perhaps to someone back in your home state. Do I have your permission to discuss what we have talked about with both of them?"

My stomach churned. So many private thoughts and revelations. But there was no other way. I nodded. "Please, don't tell them everything. Unless it is absolutely necessary. And leave Rusty out of this. No matter what, she is not to be harmed." He nodded.

"Are you going to be okay?" He was looking at me shake.

"I will make it. I made it this far, and I'm not turning back." He hugged me, and I cried on his shoulder for a while. When he let me go, I blotted my eyes, and made my way slowly back to my room. It felt funny to refer to the room as "mine". I was just a visitor. I straightened and pulled myself together, and said to myself, "Soon enough I won't be a visitor any longer".

When Tammy came back after class she tried to give me the third degree, and I claimed starvation and mental exhaustion. So we ate a quiet dinner together, and when we returned to the room, I sat on my bed and told her the whole ugly story. We both did a lot of crying.

"Alexi, are you sure you can face this? Once you leave here, there is no turning back." I nodded.

"I will succeed, or die trying. It's a lot better than dying of loneliness and unhappiness. And no matter what, I will not give her the satisfaction of success."

"Is revenge really that important?"

I barely made it to the bathroom before I was sick. I was trying to use revenge as a shield. Even as much as I hated what Mom had done to me, I now understood why Rusty was so lonely in a foster home. I tool a long, hot shower to help me clean up, and try to soak away some of the feelings. Tammy held me when I came out. I fell asleep, sniffling, on her shoulder.

I went to school with Tammy in the morning. She was right, it helped me take my mind of my troubles. And it felt so good to be with others who cared enough to hold me when the terror grew to great and I started to shake and cry.

Friday afternoon I called Rusty, and told her my plans. After she finished screaming, she insisted on accompanying me back. "No. I must do this on my own. And I won't take a chance on anyone else getting hurt."

"But you'll be alone, and I love you and..."

"And I love you, and that is why I must do this myself. Rusty, don't you see, this is what I need to bring closure. When I leave I will either have a family, or be free. Either way, I will no longer be trapped in this no-man's land."

"What will you do if they won't pay for you to go to school?"

"Then I will fight for my emancipation, and find some way to return here and be with you."

It was a wet conversation. Dr. Willis was waiting for me when I left the office after the call. "Are you prepared to go?" I looked at him through my reddened eyes. "And are you going to take Rusty back with you?"

"I will be packed and ready Sunday morning. And I refused to let Rusty come back with me. This is my battle." He motioned for me to follow him. We wound up in his office.

"I spoke with Sharon yesterday, and with a psychiatrist in your state's division of children' services this morning." I stiffened, and stared at him. "They are not as optimistic as you of the outcome of your planned trip. Both are very concerned about your safety."

"Are they planning on interfering?"

"Sharon won't, despite her misgivings, and I did not give the psychiatrist enough information to identify you. He stated that based on what I said about my letter and diagnosis, there is no way they would allow you to return to your parents. They would have you placed immediately in state custody, and begin criminal proceedings against your parents, with or without your consent." Dr. Willis looked at my pained reaction. "In simple terms, if you remain unharmed, it will be either a private agreement between you and your parents, or a very ugly, very public fight. One which, unfortunately, Rusty will be drawn into, as at least a witness."

"What about emancipation?"

"Because you have not attended school this year, and there will be far too many questions about your appearance, the state will probably be drawn into the situation. And they are adamant about wanting to get involved. I don't think they understand very well the type of position you are in. So they react the same in all cases, whether or not police intervention is warranted."

"So you are telling me not to go back." He looked pained.

"No, I am telling you what I have learned." He handed me three large, sealed envelopes. "These are copies of the letter and the medical and psychological evaluations you requested. All three are signed and notarized, making them legal documents. Once they are out of your hands, there is nothing I, or anyone else will be able to do until all the police and other official types have completed their requirements." He looked at me sadly. "You are planning on bluffing with a loaded gun. Think very carefully about what you are about to do. Both for your own safety, and for the effect it may have on Rusty."

He gave me a hug. "I have purchased you a bus ticket, and will pick you up at seven on Sunday morning. If you decide not to go, I will understand. Either way you have my wish for a safe journey."

We shook hands, and I shook with chills despite the warm day as I headed to my room to pack for the trip.

Tammy and her friends would not let me out of their sight, claiming I needed the companionship. I suspected that Dr. Willis had told them to keep a close eye on me. But no one confessed, and their companionship kept some of the demons and fears at bay. Packing was easy; having few clothes helped. The others insisted on augmenting my meager wardrobe. Tammy insisted on storing my camping gear, saying that way I would at least have to come back and visit. I did a lot of crying when she said it.

True to his word, Dr. Willis appeared in front of the dormitory early Sunday morning. He insisted we eat a hearty breakfast, and I said a lot of good-byes to friends I was afraid I would never see again. I cried as we drove out the gate.

The trip to Montpelier was a blur. Dr. Willis understood my need for silent meditation. He had some surprises for me at the bus station. "Alexi, I have made reservations for you, and paid in advance for, a room for a week at a small motel in your home town." He handed me a piece of paper. "This is the information you will need to check in. The bus ticket is round-trip. No matter what happens, you have become a special person to me, and to several others at Janbury. Please keep all of us, and Rusty, informed on what is happening. Good luck." He gave me a hug before he drove off. I took a deep breath, and headed inside to register.

I was exhausted when the bus arrived in the all-too-familiar Midwestern town I used to call home. I was nervous that someone might recognize me, but I remained an anonymous teenager as I called a cab and headed for the hotel. My plans were still fuzzy, but I knew I needed to be awake and at my best for whatever occurred. Signing in was easier than I thought, and after a snack in their so-so restaurant, I turned up the air conditioning, showered, donned the nightgown that Tammy had given me, and quickly drifted off to sleep.

I managed to get up for dinner, which was slightly better than lunch, and make it back to the room intact. The weather was muggy, with thunderstorms. With the air conditioning at maximum, it was good for sleeping.

On Wednesday I faced the mirror, and myself. I was shaking despite the humid warmth. But I knew it was time. I was too nervous to eat breakfast, but managed a roll and some tea in the coffee shop. I was dressed, thanks to the others, in a very feminine sun-dress, with stockings and high-heeled sandals that accentuated my legs. From the hair to my toes there was no trace that I was, or ever had been, anything other than a girl. I stocked my shoulder-bag, and made sure I had one copy of Dr. Willis's paperwork with me. I looked older than sixteen. And felt ancient.

With a final sigh, I left the room, and began my walk to the public library. Of all the places in town, that was the most visible and, I hoped, the safest. They were just opening when I arrived, and I quickly found a public telephone. Three rings later I heard the voice I had never wanted to hear again.

"Richards Engineering, Angela Moore speaking, how may I direct your call?"

"Hello mother. This is your daughter, Alexi." There was dead silence at the other end of the line, followed by a clatter as she dropped the telephone. When she picked up the telephone again, her voice was shaking. "Alex, my God, are you okay? Where are you?"

"The name is Alexi, mother. And I am fine. I need to meet with you and Dad today. We have a lot that needs to be discussed, privately." My rehearsed mental script was talking for me.

"Where are you?" She sounded frantic.

"Where I am now is of no importance. I want to meet you and Dad this afternoon, at one, at the pancake house across from city hall. And do not bring anyone else with you. What we need to talk about is between us, unless you want to have your private lives placed on display for the world." I could hear the gasp as what I was saying sunk in. "Do you understand?"

"Can't we meet somewhere more private? I can pick you up and take you.."

"No. You and Dad, both of you, and no one else. At one. I have to go now. Be there. Or else." I hung up the phone and stood there shaking. Then the terror of what I was doing hit, and I dashed madly for a restroom. I was glad I had eaten lightly.

At twelve-thirty I seated myself on a bench to the side of city hall, out of the main traffic pattern, but with a view of the restaurant, and waited. Just before one I spied what looked like Mom's car pull up, and Dad got out. He waited at the door as she drove off. A few minutes later she walked around the corner, and joined him. They were both searching the noontime crowd carefully for some sign of me. Shouldering my purse, and praying that I was doing the correct thing, I made my way to the street, and crossed with the light. I was almost upon them when they realized who I was.

"A Al... Alex?" Mom was stuttering, and Dad looked like I was a ghost.

"Alexi, mother. Shall we go inside? I have reservations for three." I strode past them, afraid to turn my back, yet more afraid to face them. We were immediately taken back to the booth I had reserved. They were seated on one side. I commandeered the other. "Before you say anything further, I recommend that we order, so we will not be disturbed." They nodded mutely. "Please be aware that I expect you to pay for your meal. I will, if necessary, pay for mine separately."

Mom started to say something, but Dad cut her off. "Alex, of course we will pay for lunch." It was the most emphatic I had seen him in years.

"My name is Alexis, not Alex." I looked at Mom. "Your daughter." Dad's expression was one of horror. Mom had to force herself to breathe. "Please address me properly. It will make things easier for all of us."

The waiter appeared, and we all managed to order something from the menu.

"Alex, er, Alexis, we've been worried sick since you disappeared." Mom was desperately trying to start a conversation.

"I go by Alexi now, and I really doubt you were that worried. I have never been listed as a runaway or missing person." It came out acidic. They both winced.

"We hired private detectives, but they said that there absolutely no trace of where you had gone, except that your friend Ruth-something disappeared at the same time, and they thought you two might have run off together." Dad nodded.

"Rusty is her name, and she's fine." They looked narrowly at me. "And I know what you did to me, and why." Mom turned pale, and started to cry. Dad just put his head in his hands.

He was the first one to speak. "After you left I wanted to kill myself for what I let happen to you." Mom looked sadly at him. "But instead I went and saw a lawyer, and filed divorce papers." Mom hid her face in her napkin.

"We wound up together in therapy. And realized what we had done was out of cowardice, and spite. So we hired a private investigator to try and find you, and were afraid that you had been hurt or killed and we would never have a chance to explain and apologize, and try to make up for what we have done." Mom's words poured out. Dad looked sadly at me and nodded.

"No one can make up for what you have done. Mom got her wish, I am no longer a functional male." Mom broke down, and Dad just hung his head as he held her.

And all of the anger and bitterness suddenly drained out of me. What the hell good was revenge anyway? Dr. Willis was right. And he knew I would have to learn about it all by myself.

I got up, moved to their side of the table, and hugged Mom and Dad. Which caused Dad to start to cry, and Mom to grab me and wail. I had to shoo off the waitress, who thought someone had been injured. Our food was cold before they were able to regain their composure. I wondered why I feeling so suddenly calm. ]

Then it came to me. I was free. Of anger at what had happened, and of struggling against myself as Alexi, the girl that's not a boy.

"Mom, Dad, can you accept that I forgive you?" That got the tears started again. Including some of mine. I made sure that I had the envelope with Dr. Willis's paperwork carefully secured in my purse when we left the restaurant. Dad finally had to re-order our food. And by then we all felt like eating.

I was back home - it felt funny to call it home again - with them. The house and my room was just as I had left them, with the posters and girls clothing missing. "We tried to put everything back the way we thought you'd want it, if you ever came back..." Mom suddenly stared at me. "You are coming back..."

I shook my head, and she grabbed Dad and they looked at me with fear in their eyes. "I was going to come back and blackmail you into paying for me to go to school at a place where I can learn how to be a proper young lady, and where I can get counseling to help me work through all the pain and fears. Now I don't know what to do." I sat at my old desk.

"If there is something we can do, tell us, please?" The looks on their faces were genuine. I nodded, and began my story.

"... and so Dr. Willis wrote up the diagnosis at my request, and sent me off with his cautions, especially about my motives for coming back to face you. And he was right. Revenge only leaves more wounds." They were watching me intently.

"Of course we will pay for your staying there." Dad got up off my bed. "It will take a few days, and probably a second mortgage, but if it will help at all you can have everything we own." Mom nodded. Suddenly I felt bad.

"I don't want to leave you two destitute or..." Dad waved at me to relax.

"It may mean we have to work a few more years before we retire. Which is a lot better than dying from our own shame and guilt." He held Mom. "Now is there something you would like to do while we try to keep apologizing?"

I checked out of my motel room that evening, and slept in my old bed again. Mom and Dad took the rest of the week off "for medical reasons", and I got a chance to meet their psychiatrist, who promised me that she would not do anything with the child protection people. I guess having her talk to Dr. Willis convinced her that getting them involved would only result in my being denied the support I needed.

It was with hugs and tears that coming Sunday when I boarded the bus back to Janbury. Mom and Dad had promised to come out and visit me over the Christmas holidays. I had run up their telephone bill without regret one evening, as I brought Rusty and the others up to date on everything. Dr. Willis said he would give me a ride back from the bus terminal, and made a request for some real Midwestern cheeses and sausages. Mom and Dad and I made a special trip to Wisconsin and I bought a shipping case full of goodies for him and for Rusty and her adopted family.

Tammy, Felicity, and several of the other girls were waiting with Dr. Willis when the bus pulled in. They had demanded to come along, so he took one of the school vans. A couple of the girls looked scared to be out in public, but no one seemed to notice anything unusual about several girls hugging and crying on each other's shoulders.

Epilogue:

I graduate this spring along with Tammy and Felicity, and a bunch of other girls who are far the wiser, and more feminine, from their stay at Janbury. Mom and Dad will be at the graduation ceremony. So will Nancy and Jonathan and, of course, Rusty. Other than being separated from me except for vacations, she says she is the happiest she has ever been. She really needed Nancy and Jonathan to be her family. As much as they needed her.

I'm now officially Alexis Johanna Moore. My driver's license says female. So do all my school records. I am going to move in with Rusty and Nancy for a while. Jonathan's business has picked up, so Rusty and I are going to work for him until we have saved up enough to go off to college. And drag Nancy along. Nancy wants to be a teacher, and I'm considering Engineering. Rusty, well, she's sort of apprenticed herself by correspondence to Sophia Manyfeathers. So she wants to study native American art and philosophy.

And yes, we went back to see Sophia again. She's a little older, but still has that same enigmatic smile. And says I have taken a good path. Wherever it leads. She has already woven our marriage basket, even if we never marry. She says out souls will never separate. It is beautiful, a harmony at peace with itself.

Rusty is beginning to sound a lot like her. And Rusty's baskets are so much like hers they are eerie. Perhaps Sophia has found someone to carry on her traditions. But she will not be carrying them on alone. I still weave on occasion. And Nancy is learning.

-- Finis

 

© 2001
The above work is copyrighted material. Anyone wishing to copy, archive, or re-post this story must contact the author for permission.