Dying, Or Is It Living?                           by Janet L. Stickney                     JanetLynn17@Hotmail.com

 

Dying seemed so…final, and I simply could not do it. I let the gun fall to the floor as I started to cry, my frustration, mixed with my self induced pain, and the shame I felt, had finally come to a point. As I sat on the bed crying I did not hear the door open, or my fathers footsteps as he walked in on me. One look told the story from beginning to end. My hair was in a ponytail, my makeup streaked, my blouse loose over the twin mounds of my false breasts, my naked legs stuck out from the hem of the skirt. The gun, shiny and dark lay on the floor beside me, the hammer pulled back, still ready to fire and end it all. He picked up the gun and set the hammer down, then sat next to me. I felt his arm around my shoulder and I fell against him, my tears once again starting. No words, no yelling, just his strong arm and solid chest to remind me that he was there. He waited patiently, holding me tightly.

My name is Jeff, I'm 18 now. Christmas is a few weeks from now, a painful time for Dad and I. Last year, just a few days before Easter, Mom and my sister Beth were killed in a car accident. Neither of us looked forward to another holiday like the last one. At 5'7" and only 130 pounds, I was barely larger than Beth, and it was her clothes I had on. When my tears subsided, dad merely told me to fix my makeup and join him in the den. He left me sitting there, still frightened and ashamed, but with my self respect gone and nothing more to lose, I did as he told me. I straightened out my clothes and hair, then drew in a breath and walked out of my room. My heels clicked on the hardwood floors as I walked into the den where he waited. Our eyes met and held, then he let his eyes roam from my head to my heels and back. "Sit down."

"I think it's time that you become the woman that you seem to want to be. Your mother told me she found you dressed on a number of occasions, and I guess that since we didn't understand why, we never tried to stop you. I admit that I don't understand why you want to do this Jeffery, but killing yourself over this…dressing as a female, is out of the question and you know it. I would certainly rather have you here as my daughter than have to bury you next to your mother and sister, so I think I'll have to insist that from now on you dress this way." I was so shocked that words failed to come to me! "We still have all of your mother and sister's clothes, so why don't you sort through them and use what you can, and we can get anything you need after that." The way he said it made it sound so…casual! "Now all I need to know is what do I call you?" It took all of my nerve to say it, and even then it squeaked out. "Janet, Janet Lynn." "Okay Janet Lynn Grant, let's make today is the first day of your life. I want you to spend the next few days sorting through all of the clothes we have that you can use, and put them in Beth's room. I want you to move in there because it has a separate bath and a big closet. Okay?" I nodded my head yes, and he said, "Okay then. From today on I have a daughter named Janet." He said it, and I heard it, I just had a hard time believing that my father would say such a thing to me. Then, "No more of that stupidity Janet. You can always talk to me….about anything." I said "okay".

"I know you don't understand why I'm doing this, but when I saw you this afternoon, then the gun on the floor, I knew that what you are doing makes you so frightened that you can't stand it. But think of me! I lost your mother and Beth last year, and losing you to something like this simply isn't going to happen! It would make everything I do worthless." His soft brown eyes never left me, not even once as he spoke. "If you need to dress as a girl then do it, with my blessing, because I would rather have you this way than not at all, can you understand that?" I nodded my head yes, and he smiled at me. "I don't know why, but in my mind, I think that rather than being Jeff one day and Janet the next would be hard on both of us. It should be one or the other, at least for a while, and since you feel such a strong need to be Janet, I want you to stay this way." He reached over and took my hand, "Is that okay with you?" I realized that the pain on his face was not because I was dressed as a girl, but because he was afraid that I might hurt myself, and leave him all alone.

It was an uneasy night for me as we ate dinner, and then watched television. Yet dad never looked at me strange, and when I went to bed that night I lay in bed thinking about what he had said. It was just he and I now. If I had killed myself, he would be alone, having lost his entire family in two years. He was willing to accept me as his daughter rather than have to bury me. Every bit of his love for me became clear as a bell, and I vowed to become the best daughter I could. The next morning, I heard him leave for work, got up, and pulled on some panties and my bra, then some jeans and a tee. Then I went into Beth's room. The faint scent of her perfume still lingered in the room, which gave me the eerie feeling she was still here, but I opened her dresser, deciding to start there. Beth wore a 36 C bra, which was too big for me, so I set those and her panties aside. Her slips, pantybrief's and girdles, along with all of her pantyhose, socks, and nightgowns I left in place. I threw out everything else. I tried on everything in her closet, and was surprised to find that a lot of it fit me! The items like old blouses skirts and dresses went into the trash bag along with almost all of her shoes.

In mom's closet I found a few things that fit me, but not much, some shoes, a few skirts and sweaters. I cleaned out the rest. Then I moved her jewelry box to my new room and opened it. It took quite a while, but I sorted through Beth and mom's jewelry, keeping the best plus what I liked, then tossed the rest. It was almost noon, so I ate lunch and then cleaned my new room from top to bottom, changed the linens, and then decided that dad should meet Janet when she wasn't a wreck like the night before.

After a shower and a close shave, I decided to go a bit fancy, and pulled out the dress and put it on the bed. I slipped my panties back on and sat at the vanity. Because I was no longer under any pressure, it seems as if my makeup went on flawlessly. After the powder, my face looked smooth and blemish free with a matte look. I added a tiny bit of plum eyeshadow with black eyeliner over and under my eyes and coral blusher to my cheeks. The bra was white, a plain Jane style, and once I had it on, I added the birdseed filled breastforms I had made, the knot out to give me a nipple, and sat on the bed to pull the pantyhose on. Then a pantybrief, and finally I slipped the dress over my head and zipped it up. I wore my black heels and sat at the vanity again to brush out my hair. It fell just short of my shoulders, the natural curl making it into a flip. Using barrettes I managed to pull it back on the sides, revealing my ears. The gold hoop earrings went on my earlobes and a thin gold necklace around my neck. I did not use either mom or Beth's perfume, knowing it might bring back memories and make dad very sad. I took one last look in the mirror and went to the kitchen to get a soda. I had about twenty minutes before dad usually got home, so I made sure my lipstick was okay and I looked about as good as I get.

I heard him come in and stood there waiting. Dad saw me and smiled, then held the door open and in walked a man I never saw before! Dad took one look at me and without a pause said, "This is my daughter Janet, Janet, this is Howard." I was shocked that dad would bring someone home so soon, knowing that I might not be dressed very well, but he did, and all I could do was smile. "Howard is a new client Janet, and has invited us to his club tomorrow night for dinner and dancing." All I could say was "that's very kind Howard, thank you", while my mind was screaming "are you out of your mind dad?" Howard left shortly after that, and dad, high on his new conquest, told me we were going out to dinner. "You better get your purse Janet. We'll go to Fours." Not, "are you ready for this", or "Can you do it?" No. He went into his room to change, so I went up and got my purse and put my wallet in it along with a lipstick.

It wasn't my first time out of the house, but it was my first time that I actually went in anywhere. Dad held my elbow and steered me to our table. "Dad! This is all new for me! I've never done anything like this before!" "Then it's time isn't it?" He sat back and grinned at me, and all at once I knew that he was testing me. "I knew it was a gamble to bring Howard to the house, but I was pretty sure that you would be all dressed up, and I was right. His company will fund us for many years Janet. When he invited me to dinner tomorrow I told him I had an 18 year old daughter, and he instantly invited you along, how could I say no?" Dad was right of course, only it was up to me to be as feminine as any other 18 year old girl. "You can do it Janet, and you know it." I did not share his confidence, but I would certainly do my best. "Why don't you go to a salon in the morning and get your hair done? Maybe your nails too?" He slid a hundred across the table at me; "I insist Janet." I let the money set there for a moment, then picked it up and put it in my purse. Nothing more was said about it; dinner was served, and left for home. "Stop at a drugstore dad." He waited while I went in and bought some things and we were home by eight. "I'll be in my room dad, I have to get ready for tomorrow." "Now?!" I nodded my head yes, went to my room, quickly undressed, and opened the jar. Once again I endured the smell as the cream removed all of the traces of hair on my body. After a shower, I used a razor to get the few odd places that I did not use the cream, like under my arms and groin.

As soon as I got up the next morning I did my makeup and hair, I put on clean panties and a bra, then a skirt and blouse with pantyhose and flats. I had found a brand new wallet mom had stashed and moved all of my stuff to it, put it in my purse, and left the house to find a salon. As it was still before noon, I lucked out and on my first try I was able to get in. Because it was my first time in any salon let alone this one, I was a bit shaky, but when I told her I wanted my hair styled and nails done, she put me with a woman named Jeri. "Oh dear! It's been a long time for you hasn't it?" I nodded my head yes, and she asked me if I had something in mind, which of course I didn't, so she said had me look at some books. Together we selected a style I liked and she said could be done, and I was soon lying back as she washed my hair. She clipped, snipped and put me in rollers, then came the chemicals followed by the dryer. While I sat there another girl did my nails, adding acrylic extensions to make them longer, then filed my nails to a rounded point and painted them a soft metallic red. Then Jeri took out the rollers and brushed out my hair. When I saw the final results I was on cloud nine. My once sandy brown hair was now a soft auburn, I had curls cascading down the back with waves on the sides and bangs swept to one side. My hair no longer covered my earlobes, so Jeri suggested that I get them pierced. I agreed, and quickly had plastic inserts, one in each lobe.

I had made a serious dent in the money dad gave me, and decided to visit a shop that up to now, I had not gone into. They sold custom makeup kits after doing your makeup. I went into the store and was met by a woman right away. Can I help you?" Since I would have to remove my own makeup, and she would certainly see the traces of my beard, I wondered if I should just tell her. I decided I had no choice. "Yes. I would like my makeup done, but you might as well know that I have a slight beard problem." Her smile told me nothing, however, she did. "Oh, don't worry about that! I can't tell you the number of men we have in here. Why don't you wash off your makeup and come sit here?" In less than half an hour she had done my makeup. I watched her every move carefully, and when she was done I never looked so good! "I'll make you up a kit of everything I used if you like." "Of course! You made me look wonderful!" I paid the bill and went home to get ready.

The foundation she had used was designed to hide imperfections in the skin, and even thinly applied, it covered my beard and made my skin look flawless and not at all like I was wearing heavy makeup. I stared at the mirror for a few minutes before I went to the closet to select a dress to wear that night. It had to be dressy but not like a prom dress. I knew which one I wanted, and pulled it out of the closet. It was a red sheath with two one inch wide straps holding up the square cut neckline, it was sleeveless of course, and best of all, fit me almost perfectly. Tonight I was going to go all out, and began to select my lingerie. Once, way back when, I had used some hand towels to pad my hips, and it had worked real well, but in Beth's things I had found a padded pantybrief. I didn't know she ever needed one, but she must have and I added it to the pile. I undressed and changed to red panties, then came the corselet. I fastened the hooks in the front and grabbed the laces, drawing them as tight as I could. It was the first time I had ever worn a corselet and was unfamiliar with how it shaped me, so I got a huge surprise when all of the excess flesh on my chest had been pushed up and into the bra cups! I reached in and pulled the skin up as far as possible, then pushed my birdseed breastforms under my skin. All at once I had impressive boobs!

I pulled on the padded pantybrief, then the pantyhose. A very short slip went to my waist, then I slipped the dress over my head and zipped it up. The neckline revealed just a hint of my breasts while the hemline was two inches above my knees. My makeup was done, my hair and nails perfect, so I had nothing to do except add jewelry and shoes. I wore the black heels, and changed my earrings to red and gold buttons. A thin gold necklace went around my neck, and I tried on mom's cocktail ring. It slid on my ring finger after I soaped it up, then Beth's best ring on the same finger only on the other hand. This time I had perfume I had bought myself, and I dabbed some on my neck, wrists, and elbows. On my lips I used a bright red lipstick, took one last look at myself and grabbed my purse. I knew in my heart that I looked spectacular; I never felt so feminine or looked so good. Dad came in a few minutes later, and all of the work and money I spent was worth the look on his face. His mouth dropped open as he stared at me. "Is this what you had in mind daddy?" "You look wonderful Janet! I never imagined…I mean…" "It's okay dad. That's exactly how I feel too." "I'll go take a shower and change."

By the time he returned, he looked really calm and collected, but I saw his eyes as they settled on my obvious cleavage. "No dad." "No what?" "No, I won't tell you how I did it." "But I wasn't going to…" The he laughed. "It does add something to your…the way you look, and it will certainly remove any doubts, if anyone had any!" "I hope so dad! I worked hard to do this." "I'll bet." We said nothing more until we reached the club. Dad pulled up front and gave the valet the car keys while I slid out the other side, giving the other valet a good leg shot at the same time. I guess I'm still not as graceful as I need to be. We walked in and saw Howard, his wife, and their son and daughter at the table. I was seated next to the daughter, who was my age. Her name was Sara, her brother's name was Brian, who was about 15. Introductions were made all around, and Sara, who clearly did not want to be there, was surly and curt right away. Brian on the other hand kept staring at me, his eyes somewhat lower than my face. Their mother Evelyn was very pleasant, Howard was ebullient, but the kids had no manners and made it hard to have a nice time.

After dinner a band started to play, and Howard took his wife by the hand to the dance floor. Dad asked me, and I quickly joined him on the dance floor. "I can't stand those kids of his dad!" "I know, neither could I, but…" Just then someone tapped dad on the shoulder, and when I looked, it was a guy my age! "May I?" "Of course." Dad let go and all at once I was in the arms of a complete stranger! "My name is Steven Wilson." Hi. I'm Janet Grant." He said nothing more for a while, then, "You know that you're the best looking girl here don't you?" "Since the average age in here is 50, maybe, but you forgot Sara over there." "Sara is a stuck up, spoiled brat, and I pity the guy that ends up with her." "Ah, you know her then." "Too well. What I want to do is get to know you better Janet." It was flattery at it's best, and I'll admit, I was loving it, but I had no inclination towards men, or at least not that I knew of.

The music stopped and he escorted me back to the table. He cast a glance at Sara who was pouting. "Thank you Janet. Maybe you'll let me call you?" "I'd like that Steven." He produced a pen, and I wrote my number on a paper napkin. Dad was watching this little scenario without a word, Sara looked angry, and Brian disappointed. "That was quick. What did you do? Promise to sleep with him?" "Sara!" "Well" I said sweetly as I could, "If I did, he would certainly forget you even existed Sara." She got up and stomped off in a snit while dad sat horrified. "Sara is a bit spoiled Janet, and has had her eyes on Steven for a long time. I'm afraid she knows it will never happen, and that's why she's so angry." Evelyn tried to make excuses for Sara, then got up and went to her daughter. I wanted to say something else but dad caught my eye and I stayed silent. Steve never returned to ask me to dance again, and about ten, dad and I went home. "You handled things very well tonight Janet. I know that Howard was impressed with you." "His daughter is a snot!" "True, but he already knows that Janet. Now tell me about Steven." "There's nothing to tell. He and I danced, he wants to call me. The end." His "Hardly!", then a snort, told me that he felt differently, or knew more, than I did.

In the morning I wore shorts and a shell with gym shoes, and cleaned the house. It was my new role now that I had accepted being the woman of the house. Dad was at his office and I had plenty of time to clean up. I had expected Steven to call early, so I was surprised when he showed up at my front door at just after noon. "Hi there." "Steven! What are you doing here?" I brushed my hair back out of my face and let him in. "A phone call wasn't going to do it for me Janet. I had to see you again." Without warning, he took my arm and pulled me to him, then kissed me! "That's why a phone call wasn't going to do it for me." He had shocked me to the core and I stood back, out of reach. "IÉI was just cleaning up." "Its lunch time, why not let me take you to eat?" I gave his offer almost two nanoseconds of thought and said yes. "Let me clean up a bit first." I quickly touched up my makeup and lipstick, brushed my hair, and rejoined him.

It was a fast food place, but quiet. "Sara was very angry with both of us Steven. She thinks she has a hold on you, is that right?" "Not a chance Janet. We went out a few times before I broke it off. My mother disliked her almost at once, and she acted like a child every time we went out. I couldn't take it and broke it off." His smile was electric, and made me feel very good inside, which made me wonder about myself. Steven is taller than I am when I wear heels, with dark curly hair and blue eyes, which captivated me. "Your dad is single?" "Yes, my mom and sister died last year, so now its just dad and I." "My mom is single too. Dad split when I was 14 and we haven't seen him since. Maybe we can...arrange something." "That would be very sneaky Steven, even if I think he does need someone in his life. It's been almost a year now." "What about us Janet?" There was no us…yet, and my internal alarms went off. Raised a male, I had never felt an attraction for another male, until Steven came along, and that was worrying me. As a naturally born female I would be doing all I could to cement our relationship. As a male dressed like a female I was more than a little concerned. I'll admit that I was attracted to him, in some way, but…why? I took the only avenue open to me. "Let's just go easy and see what happens." He nodded his head yes, but while I was biting into my burger, I felt his hand on my leg!

"None of that!" He removed his hand, but was smiling at me. "It's just that I never met a girl that made me feel like this before Janet, and I don't want you to get away." "The only place I'm going is back home to finish cleaning the house Steven; I'll be around." He took it well, and when he dropped me off at home he promised to call again that night. I expected him to at least try to kiss me, but he stood there as I went the house. I managed to finish the cleaning by the time dad got home. The scent of soap and lemon met him when he walked in the door. "I got a call from that boy Steven this afternoon. He asked me if you and I would like to meet he and his mother for lunch tomorrow. Did you know about this?" "No! We had lunch today, and he did mentioned that his mother was single." "Aha. Have you two plotted this?" "No dad, I had nothing to do with it!" "Well, I said we would meet them. Lunch is at two." He looked around and smiled. "A very nice job of cleaning by the way. This house needed it badly. Thanks." He went into his study while I went to my room and started up the computer.

I had bookmarked several sites that sold things especially made for girls like me, and it seemed to me that it beginning to look as if I would need them, and quickly. I found the sites and printed out the instructions to order, get the right color and so on, then went and got dad. "You need to see this stuff dad. If I keep dressing as a girl I'll need them. Besides, if you and Steven's mom get together, it's likely that sooner or later she and I will be in a position that I'll have to be somewhat naked. As a male, that might cause some problems, but if I at least look like a female…" He came up to my room, and with his one look at the screen, I heard him gulp. "Is it expensive?" "Not bad. Together, maybe $500, but it'll be well spent dad." He opened his wallet and gave me the card. "Get what you need, but don't kill me Janet." I carefully read the instructions, confirmed the right skin tone, and then ordered what I needed.

That night I spent more time in my room, sorting out clothes again, and making the vanity more usable for me. I was going to meet Steven's mother tomorrow, and I was sure that she was going to be examining me like a bug under a microscope. After all, it was her son that seeing me, and if I was going to take her son away from her, she might not like that. When I changed into my nightgown, my flat chest and thinly veiled manhood belied the femininity that I had so far managed to carefully portray. All I could do was the best I could do, and I had to accept that. So far I had been accepted as Janet, but soon, that would end and I knew it. That's why I ordered the things I did. In bed, I lay awake, wondering about myself and all of the new emotions Steven had provoked in me, the way he smiled and laughed so easily, the way his lips felt on mine, and why I liked it. I fell asleep without any answers to my questions.

In the morning I took a shower and dressed in the black and tan wrap skirt with a black shell, the same outfit dad had found me in, and added the tan jacket. I wore my low brown heels. My makeup was done with very little eyeshadow, brown eyeliner and a pale blusher. I wore pink lipstick, gold earrings and necklace, my watch, and a thin gold belt. I joined dad in the kitchen for breakfast, then he and I shared the paper. At half past one I drove us to the restaurant. Dad wore white slacks with a pale blue shirt and his navy jacket with black shoes, and looked very nice. Steven saw us and waved, and we walked to the table. "Sir, Janet, this is my mother Mary." We did the introductions and joined them at the table.

"Steven tells me you and Sara had a run in." It was nothing to get excited about. She's a snot and doesn't know it." She laughed and said I was right. I noticed that dad was looking at her carefully. Only a fool could not figure out that Steven had arranged this so that his mother and my dad could meet, but dad was smiling, and I knew that he liked what he saw. Mary is about 5'3" tall, maybe 115 pounds, with golden hair and blue eyes. Her smile, like Steven's came easy and often. She wore a tailored suit that was all pink with an antique white blouse and pink heels. I liked her right away, but I also saw her watching me, and forced myself to relax. Whatever happened was done now and I couldn't change it. "Janet, would you like to join me?" "Of course, I had to go with her. "Steven is head over heels about you Janet." "I know, but I'm not encouraging him Mary." "Men don't need encouragement Janet, it comes natural to them." By then we had reached the restroom, and a few minutes later, after we were done, she took my arm. "How long has it been since your mother died Janet?" "Almost two years now." Then she shocked me to the core. "How long have you been a girl Janet?" I wanted to say "since birth", but obviously she had picked up on something, and I sagged against the wall. "Inside, always. Outside, almost two weeks now." I looked at her, the tears filling my eyes as I saw myself and dad embarrassed and shamed, in public.

"Don't be alarmed honey, I won't tell anyone. Besides, your very pretty and I like you. You and Steven make a very cute couple by the way." "But how can we? I'm not a female! I want to be one, but…but…" "Janet! Stop that! It's always what's inside dear, not what's on the outside! Now, do you like Steven?" "Yes Ma'am." "Well he likes you too. Now go back there and make him understand that you like him as much as he likes you, and quit worrying about the rest. If you're a woman on the inside you can also be a woman on the outside. All it takes is time, which you two have plenty of." I had to know, so I asked. "How did you know?" "Nothing in particular, just a few little things I guess, and even then I wasn't that sure, so I had to ask." My question answered, we rejoined the men.

"That took so long we were beginning to wonder if you two went shopping!" "We might just do that Steven Michael!" His mother shot him down quickly! "Mary, why don't we leave the kids here to talk, and you let me take you to the park?" "An excellent idea!" Our parents left, and I faced Steven, knowing he wanted to know what his mother and I talked about. But just what would I tell him? That I was a male just like him and his mother knew it? I don't think so! "Just girl stuff." He grunted and accepted that. "Your dad seems to like mom, maybe things will work out for the good." "Then you would be my brother wouldn't you?" "I'd much rather be your lover Janet." "For now, friend will have to do Steven." Since dad had taken the car, Steven drove me home. I invited him in, the got some sodas and we went into the familyroom. The minute I sat down on the couch he moved to sit next to me, his arm snaking around my shoulder. As he pulled me to him I wanted to pull away, but knew that deep inside was the girl I had so recently let out, and that I had to become that very same girl to survive, emotionally as well as physically. His lips touched mine, softly at first, then with more urgency. His tongue pushed against my lips and without thought I opened my mouth and accepted him. It seemed like forever, a delicious forever, before he broke away.

"Janet you taste so good that I want to taste all of you." It was a blatant, open request to share my bed, and in the throws of my emotions I almost said yes, but managed to say no instead. "Not yet Steven, not yet, but you can kiss me again." And he did. Again and again, driving my passions into high gear, but I was well aware that I was in dangerous territory. His hand lit on my right breast, which I knew from the pressure on my chest, but birdseed does not conduct or induce passion very well and I had to fake it. I consoled myself with the thought that women have been faking it for years, and panted just like they did. When his hand moved to my leg and started to move north, I stopped him again. "You're a hard woman Janet Lynn." "Just trying to save what's left of my honor Steven." Just then dad walked in with his mother in tow, both of them were smiling broadly.

"I hope you two have been behaving yourselves." I was busy pulling my skirt back in place and smiling while Steven was trying not to stutter out an explanation. "Yes sir, very good sir." Dad merely smiled because he knew perfectly well what had been going on. "Mary and I will be out until late tonight, so you two might as well go out to eat dinner, unless Janet wants to cook something." Why did I get the feeling that dad was pushing us together? He went up and changed clothes, returning in a few minutes in jeans and a polo shirt. "If I don't get back by midnight lock up Janet." "Okay dad." Obviously he and Mary were getting along quite well, and Steven and I watched them leave, then we were alone again. Steven turned to me and smiled. I knew precisely what was on his mind and began to back up a bit. "In just a few short days I have fallen in love with you Janet, but I'll tell you right now that it can never be." My thought exactly, but why was he telling me? "I have a secret Janet. Only mom and I know it, but in my heart I know that I love you, and now I have to show you." Then he started to undress!

When his shirt was off I saw the thick flesh colored bandage wrapped around him. He removed it, and all at once two small, but very feminine breasts came into view. "This is why Janet." Speechless, I stared at him for a moment, then knew! I unbuttoned my blouse, then reached back and unfastened my bra. I let it fall forward, took a birdseed breastform out and handed it to him. It sat in his hand as he stared at me, my naked male chest clear, and started to laugh. "Maybe I was wrong Janet. Where's your bedroom?" I took his hand and we walked up the stairs, excitement and lust in our hearts. The minute we were in the room he slipped his pants down and then off. His briefs bulged and I began to wonder, but he slipped them off and all doubt was erased. I removed the rest of my clothes and slipped into bed next to him, or her, and it was wonderful. I really was a virgin, just like he was. After the third time we lay in bed and compared notes. "I always wanted to be a boy, and it was so easy. Girls can wear whatever, so I started to dress like a boy, cut my hair short, and after a while everyone thought I was a boy. Mom didn't like it at first and always made me do the chores boys usually do, but then I figured why not? After a while she started to call me Steven, just like everyone else, and now, nobody knows, except you." I told him my story, about the fear and shame, how dad found me and so on, right up to that moment.

"I guess we can be a couple Janet! We're made for each other and you know it." He was right. We were a boy and a girl, even though very few people know that he is the girl and I am the boy. "I totally agree! Now, can you do that one more time?" He could. Then we both fell asleep, and were still there in the morning, when Mary came into my room. "Okay you two, time to get up!" At the sound of her voice my eyes popped open and I saw her. My other hand was on Steven. "Better get him up and come down to breakfast Janet." She left and I quickly pulled some panties and a bra on, then jeans and a top. I woke Steven and told him to get dressed. Together we walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Mary and dad were there, together. "Coffees hot kids."

"Now that you have found out the truth about the other, and, we assume, made sure all of the parts work, what now?" I expected dad to be angry with me, but he sat there calmly eating his breakfast! "I asked Janet to marry me." Dad looked at me, and I said, "I told him yes dad. We belong together, and we all know it. "Since the mother of the groom has almost nothing to do, I'll fill in as mother of the bride if you don't mind." Mary was smiling at me and holding my hand. "I think a six month engagement is about right, don't you?" My dad grunted and nodded his head yes and Mary told me that we had to have mother daughter talk. "You guys get to do the dishes while we talk." She and I went in the den and closed the door. "I told your father about Steven last night, and his initial reaction was to come back here and toss him out. That's when I pointed out the benefits. Our Grandchildren will be ours, not adopted, the wedding will be legal, and you both get to live in the role you have chosen as best for you. What more could a parent ask?" I fell into her arms and cried, the tension of discovery and how things turned out overwhelming me. She held me tightly, then told me that she also talked dad into staying away all night. Without thought, I asked her how she managed that. Her grin told me the answer and I laughed, and she joined me. "You can't take hormones, or very many anyway, they reduce the sperm count, but taking enough to reduce the body hair and give you a little shape might be okay. Breast implants work fine now, and with electrolysis you can have your beard taken off. Nobody will ever know, and you can be a mother and wife easily." I started to say something else but she held up her hand. "No more experimenting Janet. From now until the wedding no sex!" I nodded my head yes and we returned to see the kitchen sparkling clean. Steven and his mother went home, leaving dad and I alone. "I think we both had a good time last night Janet, but no more until you're married, understand?" "Sure dad, but does that mean you too?" He only smiled at me and grunted.

In the morning the things I ordered were delivered, and I took them to my room, anxious to try them on. I read and followed the instructions to the letter, and within 45 minutes I had a pair of breasts that looked so real that I was amazed at how the seams disappeared into my skin tone. They hung with a slight sag, but felt very real, and after a few minutes, they were warm to the touch, and when I pushed in on the nipple, I actually felt it! The silicone inside had transferred the touch to my skin! The panty was complicated to get on, but when I finally had it on and the seams glued down, all traces of my maleness disappeared. I now had rounded hips that tapered to my groin, surrounding what looked like a normal vagina. It even had a pocket built in so that I could have sex if I wanted to, but of course with Steven the way his is, well, that's redundant. As I got dressed again it was easy to see that my panties fit better, and my bra now overflowed with cleavage. Once again wearing jeans and a top, I drove over to see Mary. I just had to show someone!

As soon as she let me in the house I told her I had something to show her, but that it was private, so she took me into her room. I removed my jeans and stepped out of them, and slid my panties down, then my top came off and then the bra. "Damn Janet!" "I told you I had something to show you!" She touched one of the breastforms and found it warm, yanking her hand away instantly. Then, as I got dressed again, I told her how they worked. The adhesive will keep them on for two months at a time, including the panties, so that means I'm safe from Steven!" her smirk said otherwise. "No…he has a…well, he has something that he uses, and while he never said so, I'm sure that he can…perform quite well with a female." Grinning, I told her not to worry, I couldn't get pregnant, and she scowled at me. "We both told both of you no sex and we mean it Janet!" "Okay, okay. It was only a joke." She asked me if I wanted to go looking at dresses, wedding dresses, and of course I said yes, so she and left the house.

Mary and I spent the day shopping and bonding. "Steven never wanted to be a girl, never. I guess I finally gave up when he cut his hair so short and tossed out all of his dresses. Now I have you! You want to be a girl, love everything about it, and can't wait for the next feminine thing to happen. It's a match made in heaven Janet." She understood me perfectly and I wondered just how mom would have reacted to all of this. "What about you and dad? He's smiling all of the time now. After Beth and mom died he seemed to die inside and never smiled much, until he met you that is." Then to provoke her a bit I asked, "Is this going to be a double wedding?" Her answer was clear and to the point. "I like your father, more than a little Janet, but he has to ask me first, and he hasn't quite forgotten your mother or sister, nor would I want him to. He has to climb that hill by himself." "If he asked, what would you say?" She did not answer right away, but she was smiling, that one that children get when you give them a cookie. " "I'd probably say yes Janet." "Okay, I'll call you mom then!" "Not yet dear, not yet. We have to let your father climb that hill remember?"

During the next month dad and I became more settled in our new roles, me as a daughter and he as the father of a daughter. I began to buy clothes and lingerie that were my own, better shoes and grew into my role as the woman of the house. I never thought I would tell someone to take their shoes off because the floor was clean, but as the words fell out of my mouth I realized just how far along the road to my womanhood I had traveled. I learned how to turn on and off certain male reactions to get what I wanted, and just like dad, Steven responded exactly as I wanted him too. It was an exhilarating experience to tell them what to do, and have them do it! I had been living as Janet for over a month now, and no longer worried about discovery. So far not one person had said anything to me, about me. Having a beard, however slight made it hard on me when my face was raw from shaving so close so often, and I began to research my options. I read all I could about each of them, then made some phone calls. At last, I found a woman that wasn't the least bit shaken by my request, and I made an appointment to see her the next day.

"The laser does it all at once Janet. It's not painful, the laser I mean, but when I pull out the hairs there will be some discomfort, and of course I will still have to use the needle in a few places." She told me how much, and how long it takes, and I made the appointment for the day after next, in the morning. "No makeup, and no shaving Janet. The laser does the scan and has to see the hairs." "Okay, see you then." My next stop was at a clinic that did breast implants. After the doctor examined me, she suggested a size, which I agreed on. "I can do it on Friday Janet. Come in early, and I'll have you out of here by lunch." I made the arrangements and met dad for lunch.

By Friday afternoon it will all be done dad, and there will be no turning back." "Is this what you want? Really want Janet?" I nodded my head yes, and he gave his assent. "Now that we have that out of the way, what do you think of Mary?" "She's a peach dad, and your nuts if you let her get away." He said nothing, and since he asked me, I knew it was my turn to prod him a little. "You need someone dad. In a few months I'll be gone and then what? Live alone? That would drive you crazy and you know it." His eyes met mine and I knew what he wanted to say but couldn't find the words. "Mom is gone dad, but I know that she would tell you that Mary is perfect for you, and you should go after her just like… well, Steven did after me!" He said nothing out loud, but his smile shouted volumes.

I had my beard removed, and two days later my implants were put in. I now had a full B cup, and it looked like it was all me! I wore a sport bra home, and then for the next few days while I healed up. Steven and I went out and his mere touch sent me to the stars, but being unable to see my newest addition drove him crazy and not being able to hug me tightly or touch me there made him sullen. All I could do was tell him it wouldn't last forever. Having breasts of your own is quite different than being able to sit them on the dresser at night. I had a hard time sleeping on my back or side because they were in the way, but I learned how to manage. Because they were slightly larger than I was before, and every movement made them move as well, I became aware of just how much they weighed and how they moved. I went with Mary and bought bras that fit better, and my wedding trousseau at the same time.

White satin panties with a matching corselet, white hose and a diaphanous white peignoir that had a babydoll under it. My dress was white satin with baby pearls sewn on, low cut in front and back with a wide skirt and no train. I elected to go without a veil. I was in the room with Mary to try on the dress when she first saw all of my new assets. "Looking good Janet!" Then she giggled. I'm sure that Steven will like the changes." "Why not? I do!" Then it was my turn to laugh. The dress was fitted and we left the store. As I grew used to the way my body now reacted to every movement, I also liked the idea of not having to shave every day. My skin was now smooth to the touch and I often went without makeup just because I could. I also learned that I had to be more careful what I wore at night. Once, without thinking, I wore a thin nightgown without panties into the familyroom. Dad started to sputter, and as I looked down I realized that the sheer gown hid nothing. All of my assets were on display! I quickly put a robe on and never made that mistake again. Some things you learn from your mother, or in my case, by accident.

By the time the third month had gone by Mary and I had made all of the arrangements for the wedding, and become very close. She taught me things that only a mother can teach a daughter, and I soaked up everything she told me the best I could. We were out one day, just having lunch, when she told me that dad had asked her to marry him! "He's quite shy you know, but patience is a virtue, and all I did was wait. He asked me last night." "Now can I call you mom?" She nodded her head yes, and I hugged her. My family was going to be complete once again! For the next few months Mary and I spent hours making all of the arrangements. I never knew just how complicated a wedding can get! Before I would just show up on time and stand where they told me. Now, I was involved in every aspect of the wedding, and dad and Steven got to just stand there. Mary and dad were spending more and more time together, just like Steven and I, and the four of us became our own little family.

One night Mary came over and pulled me into the den and closed the door. "Your father told me about the time he found you. He said you had a gun." I had hoped that was behind me now, but Mary provoked that ugly moment in time out of my memory, and I felt the tears start to fill my eyes. "As long as you know that there is no need for that Janet. You can always talk to me instead of your father if you want to, or feel the need." I told her I would, then we made plans to invite my extended family. None of them knew about my change from male to female, and I was concerned about how they would react, but Mary set me straight on that. "Your father called them all and told them Janet. Some were horrified and said they would not attend, but the rest said they would be here. We'll send out the invitations to everyone and whoever shows will have a nice time, and see that you and Steven are in love. Any other questions?" "No Ma'am."

I asked my cousin Jill to stand up with me and she agreed. On the morning of my wedding day Jill, Mary and I all went to the salon and had our hair and nails done, then went back to my house. As Jill would be helping me get dressed, I knew that she would see that this was not just a boy in a dress, but that I was a woman now. In my room I quickly stripped to my panties and bra, then removed even that last small vestige of cover, and I heard Jill take a deep breath. "I thought that you were…I mean nobody said anything about…that you had…I mean…" "The boobs are real, the rest is just so much latex Jill." Mary and I discussed it, and decided to let Steven use his…weapon on our wedding night, at least once, so I left the special panty on. Jill took it well and was sworn to secrecy. "Believe me when I say that I never had a clue that something like this was available Janet! Hell! You have a better shape than I do! After that I endured being laced into the corset, then, after I had my makeup done and all of my lingerie on, they slipped the dress over my head. At last I was ready.

The church was full as I walked down the aisle. Mercifully the service was short, the reception was great, then Steven and I changed and sped away on our honeymoon. I found out for the first time just how it felt to be penetrated that night as he wielded his weapon. The next night It was my turn, and our love was consummated just as it should have been. Two years and 3 days later he gave birth to a girl that we named after my mother.

Life has many twists and turns, some bad, some good. As a mother I cherish each day with my daughter, and know that I will be there for her no matter what life brings her. Dad? Well he and Mary ran off and got married, and he is happier than ever. Together they spoil our daughter without mercy. Life is good. The dying part that brought me here was bad, because I didn't look far enough to see that dad loved me no matter what.

(the end)

 

 

© 1999
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