A Difference Plane of Existence

by Karen Page

Part 5

 

Angela examined Charlotte's face for a few minutes and then asked, "I take it you've never had electrolysis before?"

Charlotte shook her head no.

"Do you know anything about it?"

"No...None of this was planned."

"Don't worry," reassured Angela, "I've been told that your case is confidential so I won't be asking any questions about what happened or your original identity. I've dealt with cases of under 16's before and am aware that there are normally court orders to ensure confidentiality."

"Thanks," Charlotte replied. "This is difficult enough without the tabloids making me the next sob story."

Angela just nodded. "Well, let's get down to it. This," she said pointing to an innocent looking white box, "is the electrolysis machine." She attached two cables to it. One had a pedal attached which rested on the floor; the other cable was longer but didn't appear to go anywhere. "I will attach a small needle to the cable which I insert into the hair follicle. When I press the pedal a controlled current of electricity will weaken the follicle. Using tweezers I gently remove the hair."

"You said it weakened the hair follicle. Does that mean that the hair will grow back?"

"Yes, the hair might grow back but it will be finer. Sometimes a follicle requires several zaps before it gives up. Also not all hairs are active at once. So you might have a hair that becomes active in thirty days which would need treating. Electrolysis takes time to achieve results but as you are still young your facial hair is not fully established so re-growth won't be as severe as somebody who has finished puberty."

"So when do we start?"

"Today if you want, Dr Ruiz spent quite a bit of time on the telephone with social services getting them to agree to this. Firstly I need to make sure you understand that this is permanent; there is no reversal."

"Even before the accident I hated shaving, it was a chore. Even if I lived as a man I wouldn't want a beard so removal is quite a relief."

"Right, now while I setup why don't you go to the toilet. We are going to be at it for a few hours so I want you comfortable."

When Charlotte reappeared Angela had the electrolysis machine all setup. She had borrowed an office chair from the nurse's station and moved the pillow to the bottom of the bed.

"How do you want me?"

"Lie down on your side," requested Angela. "That will give me a good angle to work on your face."

As Charlotte clambered onto the bed her lack of experience of being a woman became apparent. Her gown, which was relatively short, rose exposing the male briefs. Angela noticed but didn't let on.

"How about I start with your cheeks and work my way out?"

Not knowing any different, Charlotte gave a slight nod and lay on the bed. Angela leaned across and began the process. Charlotte looked slightly surprised at the slight warmth as the current was activated.

"I'm going to use the tweezers to remove the hair," informed Angela. "Let me know if you feel it tug. If it tugs then I've not zapped the follicle enough and it would be like plucking the hair. Plucking makes the hair stronger and is diametric to what we want to achieve."

As Angela grasped the hair with the tweezers it didn't easily slide out. "Did you feel that tug?" she asked.

"I think so," Charlotte replied hesitantly.

"I'm turning the level up two notches," she informed as she twisted small knob. Angela again zapped and this time the hair slid out with no resistance.

When Angela zapped the next hair Charlotte asked, "Aren't you going to remove the hair?"

Angela laughed, "I did. It is because we are at the correct setting the hair just slides out with no feeling."

"I'm impressed. I thought that this would be painful."

Angela just smiled and continued zapping away. She didn't want to tell him that the cheeks were relatively painless but the top lip and jaw would have her jumping off the bed.

After half an hour Charlotte was asked to twist around so Angela could make a start on the left cheek. "Why changes sides now?"

"It gives that side of your body a rest while we do the other side."

Once the thirty minutes on the right side was complete Angela called a break and went to speak with Sally. Charlotte, thinking the conversation was getting a bit stale, turned on the television to VH1. She thought that Angela looked like she was in her late twenties so shouldn't find the music to unappealing.

The second hour Angela started at the bottom of the neck and started to work her way up. The hair here was sparser and therefore a larger area was covered. Just as Charlotte was turning round for the other side to be done there was a knock on the door and Sally walked in.

"Hi Charlotte, how is it going?" asked Sally as she passed a tube of cream to Angela.

"I feel a little tender where Angela has been zapping me but so far so good. I thought it would be painful but haven't really had any issues so far. What's the cream for?"

"It will numb an area where I'm going to treat so that you won't feel so much pain," answered Angela.

"I've been okay so far," said Charlotte rather cockily.

"Lie still and let me do a hair on your upper lip."

Angela inserted the needle and pressed the pedal down.

"Ouch," yelled Charlotte giving a sudden jerk and then conceded with a week smile, "Perhaps numbing the area might not be a bad idea."

"Have fun," smiled Sally as she left the room.

Angela thinly spread the cream along the moustache area. "This will give it time to work," she explained. "It reduces the amount of pain by about 50%."

The other side of the neck was done and it was soon time for the upper lip. Charlotte braced herself and Angela did the first hair.

"How was that?" she asked Charlotte.

"Not as bad as without the cream," she answered, "but still painful."

"For quickness I'm going to work my way along and zap each hair. I'll then remove the hairs with the tweezers afterwards so the pain is compressed into a short a time as possible."

During the next 40 minutes Charlotte lay there with her jaw firmly set trying to think of anything that wasn't electrolysis. She concentrated on her parents faces thinking of the times that she had struggled to achieve something and their constant support and encouragement.

When the torture was over Angela said, "Well done. A lot of people struggle with the pain when doing the top lip. What gave you the impetus to keep going?"

"I was concentrating on my parents," Charlotte replied. "My Mum managed to cope with being in labour for 22 hours. If she could suffer for so long there was no way that I was going to give up. That's a thought. Maybe I could have some Entonox?"

"I don't think the labour ward would be too happy to give away all their toys," Angela replied with a small laugh as she wiped Charlottes face with some Aloe gel.

"I leave the hospital tomorrow," informed Charlotte. "I take it that you won't be doing the rest of the electrolysis?"

"No, that will be somebody called Wendy. Dr Ruiz organised me to start here but Wendy lives in the area you are going to."

Charlotte looked disappointed which was noticed by Angela. "I used to work with Wendy and I think you will like her. Now make sure that you pack the Elma cream as I think you might need it."

Angela was the first non-medical person that had seen Charlotte since the operation. She was helping treat the results of the medical intervention but she wasn't a nurse or doctor. Angela hadn't commented on the masculine voice or behaviour but treated her compassionately. Compassion was expected from medical personnel but one of Charlotte's concerns was how she would be perceived in the community as she learnt how to be less male.

When Angela left, Charlotte was alone. This was getting to be a bit of a bore. She wandered across to the mirror and peered at her face. The areas that had been treated looked slightly red but not as bad as expected. It seemed strange to see that the top lip was totally devoid of hair. She shuddered at the memory of the pain. After examining the cheeks she concluded that this looked like the least amount of hair had been removed. However what was the most startling was the amount removed at the bottom of the neck. The hair used to go all the way past the prominent Adams Apple down to the start of the chest. Now it was mostly cleared with a faint strip of hair emanating from the Adams Apple toward the chest.

Charlotte entered the bathroom where there was a full length mirror. She removed the gown and underwear and standing naked stared at the reflection in the mirror. The reflection in the mirror was Simon. The rather muscular figure with hairy arms, legs and chest seemed at odds with the reflection from the groin. This was sore, hair free and devoid of the standard male plumbing. For the sake of the people treating him Simon was trying to become Charlotte; however when he looked in the mirror the act just failed. Yes HE was Simon and yes he felt bereft at the lack of a Penis.

Jasmine, who had just arrived for work, had gone into the room adjacent to the Simon's room to get a file. She glanced through the one way mirror and saw Simon, who had left the bathroom door open, standing looking at his reflection. Jasmine stood and watched wondering what was going through his mind. She saw Simon suddenly pick up the hospital gown, which had been lying on the floor, and after placing it back on his body turn and walk briskly to the draws containing underwear. She noticed that the male briefs had been left lying on the floor in the bathroom. Jasmine was surprised as Simon pulled out two panties; the mini style and the thong style.

Not taking her eye from the mirror Jasmine grabbed the telephone and rang the nurses desk. "Sally, are you watching the monitor?"

"Not at the moment. Why?"

"Turn it on."

There was a pause while Sally leaned across the paper cluttered desk to switch on the monitor. "What's Charlotte holding?" she asked as she peered at the screen.

"Who's Charlotte?"

"This afternoon he decided he would attempt to live as a girl. Charlotte was the name he chose."

"She has a pair of panties in each hand," said Jasmine switching to the new gender. "I think she is contemplating putting one of them on but can't decide between the two different styles. Do you know if Dr Ruiz is available?"

"I spoke with her about ten minutes ago. While on the phone she got paged by A & E. Apparently an ambulance just brought in a teenage suicide attempt; they get a slight rise in the number of cases at this time of the year due to stress of students taking their GCSE and A-Level exams. I don't think she will be available for a few hours."

"Shit. From the look on her face she is fighting not just between which of the styles to wear but if to wear one at all."

They watched as the decision was fought on several front. Tears started slowly trickling down her face. Charlotte threw both pairs of panties into the open draw and walked towards the bathroom to retrieve the male briefs. Half way to the bathroom Charlotte stopped; she wiped the tear from her eyes with the sleeve of the hospital gown and strode purposefully towards the underwear draw. She pulled out a pair of plain mini style panties and before either of the discreet watchers could blink she had pulled them up her hairy legs.

Charlotte then went and sat on the chair tears streaming down her cheeks; the male briefs abandoned in the bathroom. As the tears failed to dissipate the two onlookers started to get concerned. They weren't used to this reaction in this ward; their patients were normally so happy.

"Jasmine," started Sally. "I'll go in and try and comfort Charlotte. Why don't you come to the nurses station and monitor the situation through the monitor. You can then get assistance if required."

Sally tentatively waked up to the door and knocked. She waited for a few seconds for a response before entering uninvited into the room. Charlotte looked washed out. Her eyes, red from crying, matched the sore skin from electrolysis. As Sally got closer she changed her mind; the eyes looked worse.

Sally took Charlottes hands into her own. As Charlottes tears slowly dwindled Sally said, "Why don't you lie down and let's talk."

Charlotte slowly nodded and clambered onto the bed. She lay down in the foetal position hugging one of the pillows. Despite the warm of the room Charlotte started to shiver. Sally took the spare blanket from the back of the easy chair and covered Charlotte.

"Now tell me what's wrong. Something must have caused you to get this upset."

"After my session with Angela I decided to have a good luck at myself. I stripped naked and looked at myself using the full length mirror in the bathroom. What I saw was not a girl, Charlotte, but a man without a penis. My body is full of hair and does not have the correct shape. I know I said that I would have a go at living as a girl but I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. It feels so wrong; my mind is saying man and every time I try to persuade myself otherwise it just doesn't feel correct."

"Oh why isn't Rachel available," moaned Sally to herself.

"Why did you agree to try and live as Charlotte if you feel it is so wrong?" asked Sally.

"We were discussing what I wanted from life. One of my biggest desires is to be a parent. I don't know which is more important, living as a man or becoming a parent. Since I'm now equipped to be a mother and not a father I decided to try and live as Charlotte. Dr Ruiz said I could back out at any stage if I didn't like the situation."

Sally nodded trying to contemplate the dilemma that Charlotte found herself in. Neither option sounded like a perfect solution. As Charlotte she would hate herself and as Simon would feel that something was missing in his life.

"Isn't this ward is for people to have operations to become girls?" continued Charlotte.

Sally smiled at the way the question was phrased. "Well they have always been girls. They are just having the operation so that the body matches the mind. In some respects you are the exact opposite to them; a boy trapped in a girl's body. Why did you put on the panties if being a girl upsets you so much?"

"After seeing my reflection I decided that I needed to try harder to be a girl so I put on a pair of panties. This simple act of putting on a piece of underwear brought such conflict. Logically it is the way forward; my future. However my mind rebelled against such thoughts. Just holding them, knowing that I would be putting them on, caused me such turmoil."

"Let me surmise," said Sally. "You have two main issues. You don't know if the big hairy rugby player will be able to pass as a woman. The other issue is that you don't know if you are going to be able to emotionally accept yourself as a woman?"

Charlotte thought for a few moments, "Yes, I suppose that about sums it up."

"Well, there is little I can do to help you with the last point. That is something that you will find out as you go along. However I might be able to help regarding your doubts about if you'll ever be able to pass as a woman. Go and wash your face and I'll be back in a few moments. Try and make yourself presentable as I might be back with a guest."

As Charlotte went to the bathroom Sally slipped out of the room. As Sally went passed Jasmine she said, "Simon is afraid that he might never pass as a woman. I'm going to see if Sue will help."

Jasmine nodded with a slight smile of agreement.

"Hi Sue," started Sally as she approached Sue's bed. "How are you feeling?"

"I've just finished dilating so I feel a bit sore," was the response. "What are you still doing here? Didn't your shift finish a bit ago?"

"Yes, but we have been having a problem," said Sally lowering her voice. "However I need you to be able to keep what you see and hear confidential."

Sue looked at her indignantly. "You know that as a GP I keep all medical items confidential. For the first 18 years of your life I was your GP. I've kept all your secrets, even that one when you were 14."

"Thanks, if my parents had ever found out I'd seen you for emergency contraception and went on the pill I think I would have been grounded for life."

"Well, tell me about her. I take it she was the one who woke the ward up with her nightmare."

"Actually it was something slightly different called a night terror."

Sue looked sharply at Sally, her quiet patient demeanour gone; replaced by the caring, inquisitive medical professional. "How old is she?"

"Fifteen."

"So SRS was due to a medical emergency. I take it she is under quite a bit of stress to get a night terror at that age. How are her parents coping with their son changing into their daughter?"

"Both of the parents are dead. Please don't ask much more as there is a court injunction to protect her identity." Sally went on to explain the current situation.

"Would you like me to talk with Charlotte? I have some photos of me when I was still male. Why don't you give her some of my background? That should give her a better understanding."

"I think that might help," said a relieved Sally.

Sue put on her dressing gown over her nightie and grabbing her handbag followed Sally to the side room. Sue waited outside as Sally slipped into Charlotte's room, "Are you ready for the visitor?"

"I think so," replied Charlotte. "Though I don't know what they will think of me, looking like this."

"Come on in Sue," called Sally raising her voice.

Simon gasped as Sue walked in. She looked like she was just over 6ft but there was nothing masculine about her. "Hi, I'm Sue," she said introducing herself. Sue's voice might have been slightly on the deep side but the intonation screamed female.

"Er, come in and have a seat," offered Charlotte unsure of what to do.

Sally and Sue came and sat opposite. "Am I the first transsexual you've ever met?"

Charlotte gulped and nodded yes.

"Don't worry I don't bite," she said with a reassuring smile. "Anyway you may have met others but never have realised. Now I only know some of the issues you've had since the operation. I don't have any details of your previous life or name and so we don't break the court injunction, let's keep it that way."

"Sue has just had her SRS. I knew Sue when I was younger as until I was eighteen, she was my GP. At that time she was a man called Stuart. That was the day job. When not on call Stuart was a rugby player playing for Wigan."

Sue dug into her handbag and retrieved a photograph from the 1970's. Charlotte just looked astonished that somebody who could have played at such a high level could now look so feminine. After a few moments of quiet pondering Charlotte asked Sue, "I don't mean to be rude but can I ask you some questions?"

"Ask away. I like to help people. That is one of the reasons I wanted to be a doctor."

"When did you know that you wanted to be a woman?"

"I was about eight. I didn't understand why I felt that way. I certainly didn't have a name for the issue. As I grew up I realised that other people didn't feel the same so I kept quiet. It wasn't legal to be gay in England till 1967 so what chance did a transsexual have. Then in 1970 there was a court case that decided that a transsexual was the sex of birth and a man that changed sex to be a woman was still legally a man. With all that pressure I decided to live with the life I had. I was good at rugby and by playing such a masculine game nobody suspected my secret desire. It wasn't until people like Lynne Jones, she's a MP for the Labour Party, started pushing for the law to be changed that I decided to finally live the life I should."

"Wow," said Charlotte. "How did you manage to survive with being a woman trapped inside the body of a man? Seeing the image in the mirror must have been awful."

"Did you notice in the photograph that I had a beard? If I had shaved I would have had to look at myself. I kept my hair very short so I didn't have to look in a mirror to comb my hair. Actually what was worse was not understanding why I felt that I should have been doing things my sister was doing. Once I realised that I was actually a girl things became slightly easier."

Sue talked for another hours regarding her past and how she coped with a life knowing the body was wrong. Sally, who only knew some, sat back and the respect that she had for her patient rose.

"Do you think I will be able to ever pass?" asked Charlotte.

"If I could manage it then I'm sure that if that is what you want then you will be able to achieve it. Is it what you want?"

"I don't know what I want. However I'm told that this is my best chance for a normal life so am willing to give it a try."

Sue pondered that response wondering what had caused the person in front of her to have to suffer such a major life change. "I can see that you started on electrolysis today. How was it?"

"The cheeks and neck weren't too bad but the upper lip was a major pain."

Sue laughed and asked, "Talking of pain I presume you've had your packing out. How are you getting on with dilation?"

"What packing and what's dilation?" Charlotte asked unsure what Sue was asking.

"Sue," warned Sally. "I don't think you should be asking questions like this."

"Sally, I know my operation was different from normal. I'd like to hear what Sue has to say. My past is what the injunction was about and Sue has already said that she would keep what she learns in here to herself."

Sally gave a shrug of resignation and Charlotte asked again, "Sue, tell me what the packing is and what dilation is."

"When they construct the vaginal passage they fill it with surgical packing. That is so the body has time to recover before the start of dilation. Since the vagina was constructed from penile tissue it doesn't know how to behave as a vagina. Instead of staying open it will attempt to close and the skin knit together. Patients dilate to keep the new opening from closing."

"So to put it crudely, you have to use something like a dildo to penetrate yourself or you will lose what you had constructed."

Sally and Sue winced at the generalisation but both nodded in agreement.

"So is it painful," Charlotte asked kindly.

"Sometimes," responded Sue, "The removal of the packing was more uncomfortable. However dilation can be painful but is worth it. I've only been dilating for a few days and it is something that I will get used to. I'm still very sore from the operation but at least I can go home in a few days to recuperate."

"I leave tomorrow," said Charlotte. "I'm going on a course to teach me how to behave like a woman. Well I might end up like a tom boy but I hope to be able to go back to school before the summer holidays. Since I now have no family I'll probably end up in care."

"You said your operation was on Saturday? That's very a very quick recovery time. What are your biggest concerns about living as a woman?"

Charlotte thought for a moment, "Probably in this order; if I will ever be able to accept life as a woman; if I will be able to pass as a woman and lastly I'm dreading having my first period."

Sally glared at Charlotte which Sue noticed. Sue at first just thought that Charlotte was just not informed that post op transsexuals don't have periods. However with the look that Sally gave Charlotte she was rapidly changing her mind. Suddenly things began to make sense to Sue; the quick healing times, no need to dilate.

"Was this a transplant?" she asked. Sally glumly nodded her head.

"Well no wonder you're confused," said Sue. "To have to choose between living a full, but conflicted, life as a woman against living as a stable but incomplete male is something nobody should have to decide."

Sue turned to Sally and asked, "Is Charlotte having to take medication to stop organ rejection?"

"No, it was an almost perfect tissue match."

Sue was going to ask another question but decided not to. She chatted for another thirty minutes explaining some of things that could be done if living life as a female was decided. When Charlotte stifled a yawn Sally decided to draw the chat to an end.

"Sue, I think it is time that we let Charlotte go to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for her."

  

  

  

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