Permission to use of characters from No Half Measures has been kindly given by Jenny Walker.

 

A Difference Plane of Existence

by Karen Page

 

Part 3

The capacity crowd in the stadium burst into a tumultuous applause as the last contestant, from Zululand, stepped out of the tunnel carrying his own Isijula spear.

The commentator gleefully updated the audience, "Russia is in third place missing the target by 3 metres. America is second missing by only 1.5 meters. Currently in first place is the ex whale hunting harpooner from Japan missing by 0.6 meters."

The starting bell rang and the contestant took a small run and hurled the spear. It reached it peak and began its descent embedding itself firmly into the parched grass.

"That was close," informed the commentator. "Just 0.8 meters from the target. This places him in second position."

He walked back to the starting position and concentrated on the task. The bell rang, signalling his second attempt and the final shot of the contest. He took a slight run and a launched the spear into the air. As the spear followed through its flight path the audience fell into silence. People could tell that this was a very good shot and looked like it might hit the target. As the spear gained downward velocity the target became visible. It appeared to be a person tied to the floor with their arms and legs spread like a giant X. The spear got closer to the target and the face became visible. It was me.

 

The stillness of the ward at night was shattered with a piercing shriek. Jasmine quickly glanced at her monitor and saw a visibly distraught patient. She quickly left her station and entered Simon's room. Simon was still lying down, his eyes tightly shut, tossing his head as he tried to eradicate the vision that was feeding on his will to live. Jasmine slightly lowered the inspection light and after turning up to face the ceiling turned it on. This gave a low defused glow in the room.

The distress inflicted on him by the nightmare blocked out any other observations. It was therefore quiet a surprise to him when Jasmine took his hands into hers.

"Nightmare?" asked Jasmine.

"Yes," responded Simon in a very weak voice. "I've never dreamt something that seemed so real. I thought I was going to die."

Jasmine poured Simon a glass of water from the now rather warm bedside jug. He took a small amount and rinsed it round his mouth, trying to remove the nasty lingering taste.

"If you feel up to it, tell me about your dream. It will help you settle."

Simon thought about it for a minute and then nodded his agreement. He explained about the dream and discussed it with the kind nurse.

"It seems strange discussing it," Simon concluded.

"Why?"

"Well I feel sort of detached from the dream. At first it felt so real, but now I can see how silly it was. I'm sorry for disturbing you."

"Disturbing me?" she said with a giggle. "I was sat at the nurses station and it has been a change doing something other than prepare bed schedules for tomorrow's surgeries. Now let me give you a quick bed bath and some clean night clothes. You appear to have excreted a significant amount of sweat during your nightmare."

After Jasmine cleaned Simon up she helped him don his new clothes and he settled down. Within 5 minutes he was back asleep with Jasmine again monitoring him from the nurses station.

 

At 8:30am Dr Ruiz walked down to see Jasmine. "How is Simon this morning?"

Sally walked in and removed her coat hung it up.

"Fine. He woke at about 7am and has been watching some music videos on VH1. He had a traumatic nightmare at about 2am which caused him to cry out. I comforted him and got him to tell me about the dream. He went back to sleep at about three."

"Tell me about the nightmare."

"I wrote down the description so you can add it to your file." Jasmine passed the paper.

"Thanks". Rachel spent the next few minute reading it she then passed it to Sally to read. "What was his initial reaction?"

"Very withdrawn and quiet. He took a bit of encouragement to talk about it and afterwards was a bit embarrassed and apologised for disturbing me."

"Mmmm, Simon appears to have a very interesting personality. Since today in Monday we might be able to get somebody at his school. I know it is a school holiday but we might be lucky."

"Dr Millard wants to remove the catheter later this morning," explained Sally. "I will then introduce him to urination using his new equipment. This will include a discussion on hygiene."

"Can give me some notice before you remove the catheter?" asked Rachel. "I'd like to observer his reaction. I'll also come and speak with him later after the removal on how he feels. We need to try and keep him positive and see if we can move him forward."

"What about long term?" asked Jasmine. "Once he is physically healed what will happen to him? If he goes to a children's home in this fragile state he will probably end his life."

The other two just nodded glumly. They had had similar thoughts and were concerned to raise them as they tried to promote a positive attitude for Simon's wellbeing.

 

"Hello Simon," opened Sally as she breezed into the room. "How are you today?"

"Feeling a bit better," responded Simon. "I suppose Jasmine told you about the bad dream."

"Yes. It sounded horrible." Sally moved across to Simon and gave him a tender hug which after a few seconds he tentatively returned.

"Thank you," said Simon softly as they parted. He appeared flustered not knowing how to respond. "I've not had a hug like that from anybody other than my Mum and Dad."

Simon looked like he wanted to say something further so Sally just nodded and waited for him to continue.

"Can I ask a favour?" he nervously asked.

"Ask away"

"Is it possible to borrow a CD player?"

"What do you want to listen to?" responded Sally.

"I was watching a video of Cara Malone's song No Half Measures and it sort of reminded me of my current situation. The first verse starts of with 'Yesterday's hopes are today's shattered dreams'. I think it is about giving it your all in the face of adversity. While thinking about the CD I remembered there was a track on the album she composed when her mother died. I've been having trouble feeling anything since my parent's death and I thought it might help me organise my thoughts."

"Let me see if somebody has the CD," responded Sally. "One of my other flat mates, Tina, works in the children's ward. They have quite a selection so I'm sure they will have it." She paused for a second and continued with, "Today Dr Millard is planning to remove you catheter. When he does you will be able to start moving around a bit. However if I manage to find this CD and a CD player I want no dancing. You won't be up to it!"

Simon gave a small smile at that and gave a small nod of acquiescence.

 

"Hey Tina, Sally here."

"Oh hiya. I'm on for Wednesday, if that's why you're ringing."

"Not quite, but it's good to know that the old drinking team will be back together! Why I was ringing was that we have a younger patient down here who has asked to borrow a CD. We have a player but would you happen to have a copy of Cara Malone's album?"

"Of course we have it. It is very popular with the older children. I'll see if I can get my hands on it later. If it's out it will be with Tom. We've let him have a CD player by his bed since he can't move much. He got his leg broken in that plane disaster."

"I thought most of the passengers were okay?"

"Apparently he fell over as the passengers were being evacuated. Some of the passengers behind him panicked and he got trampled on. Poor boy has just moved to England with his mother from America. Not much of a welcome to the country is it?"

 

"Hi, Dr Millard. Are you going to remove the catheter?" asked Simon in a slightly bored tone.

"Let me have a guess. You're bored and you want to get out of bed?"

Simon gave a small laugh.

"Well the catheter isn't stopping you getting out of bed. Yesterday you were still getting over your operation. You needed time to recover from the anaesthetic. However if all looks like it is healing then we will remove the catheter. Keeping it in too long isn't good for you. Now if you will please lie down and I'll check you out."

Dr Millard removed the bandage and Sally pulled down the inspection light and let it illuminate the wound.

"This is healing nicely," stated the doctor. "The swelling is reducing and there are no obvious open wounds. I will remove the catheter which should be relatively painless."

After the catheter was removed Simon felt a bit strange. "I feel a bit draughty and bare. Are you going to bandage me up again?"

"I don't see any need to do so. Most of the physical wounds are healing nicely. You will still need to take things easy over the next few days but you will gradually get stronger. However Dr Ruiz is still concerned about your mental wellbeing."

"I'm sorry that I was a sharp with you both yesterday. I can only presume it was the shock of my whole life just taking a major change. She helped a lot later on yesterday and during the night Jasmine was excellent. I'm not happy being a girl and have a lot to think about. I would love to talk with Dr Ruiz later on today."

"I'll talk with her and try and get her down this afternoon. However, before that Sally needs to explain about your new anatomy and how to go to the toilet as a girl." With that Dr Millard left leaving Sally alone with a very nervous Simon.

Sally glanced at the half empty jug of water. "I see that you have had plenty to drink so this should be easier. Since this is a private room you have your own toilet so this shouldn't be too embarrassing."

Simon followed Sally slowly into the en suite. "Okay, let's start at the beginning. You are going to have to pass water sitting down, so hike up your highly fashionable hospital gown and take a seat."

Simon sat down and attempted to urinate. Nothing happened. "Er Sally? Nothing is happening. I'm trying to wee but it doesn't appear to work."

"Let me try an old trick we sometimes use in circumstances like this. I'll be back in a second; don't go away!"

Sally disappeared and returned a moment later with a fresh jug of water and a large glass. "Drink this," she said offering him a large glass of water.

Simon took the drink and it quickly vanished down his throat. He was then offered another one. This however took longer to disappear. A third glass was offered and he looked at her in astonishment. "You want me to drink a third glass? Is this torture? I don't think I could manage it."

"Try. Now when you want to urinate do so, but also try and stop the flow. Try and feel the muscles and get some control."

Simon took gentle sips and managed to drink about half. "I'm full up of water," he complained. "I can't drink any more."

Sally took the glass off him. After a few minutes Simon was just as frustrated. "Let see if this works," muttered Sally as she switched on a hidden CD player. Different sounds of water drifted across the room. The sounds ranged from somebody filling a glass of water to a dripping tap. A few seconds into the sound of crashing waves a stream of urine flowed out.

"Oh well done," crowed Sally. "Try and stop the flow."

After a few attempts he managed to succeed. Gradually feeling the muscles Simon managed to stop and restart the flow a few times before he was finished.

"Now when you had a penis you would be able to shake the remaining droplets off. However that is no longer an option so you must wipe yourself. You should also wipe from front to back so not to get anything unpleasant in your vagina. Wiping incorrectly is one of the causes of yeast infections such as thrush."

Simon took a piece of paper and wiped as directed. This was the first time that he had touched himself since the operation. He gingerly wiped himself as directed and stared stony faced at the far wall.

"You finish up here while I take the CD player back to the nurses station," explained Sally. "I'll put it in your room later when I get the CD from the children's ward.

She took her time at the nurses station to chat with one of the other nurses about a different patient before returning to Simon. Even though it had been a good five minutes he was still seated on the toilet but had covered his nether regions up with a towel.

"Are you finished?" she asked.

"Yes," responded the ashen Simon. "With the bandages are off I would like to put on some underwear."

"Of course," she acknowledged. "Wash your hands and I'll put a selection on your bed. What you wear is up to you. Just put the rest in the draw next to the bed. I've got to assist with one of the other patients so I'll come and see you in about half an hour."

Pleased to have the catheter out and able to urinate on his own Simon made his way back to his bed. On the top were four different styles of underwear. He examined each one. First was a thong, not much material there. Second was a pair of panties similar to what his girlfriend Kirsty used to wear. Third was a pair of male briefs and lastly a pair of shorts.

Normally Simon wore shorts, which he donned. They fitted okay around the waist but without his penis and genitals they felt wrong. He decided to try the briefs. This fitted more snugly and felt more comfortable. He picked up the two female panties and carried them like bombs across to the draw, stuffing them in. Since he had put on the shorts he put them in a plastic bag in his bedside cupboard.

Sally smiled sadly as she watched, via the CCTV monitor, Simon examine the different underwear. Rejecting the female panties was not unexpected but his reaction to seeing his new genitalia was worse than she had hoped for. This she wrote into her daily report to Rachel. She watched as he paced around the room like a caged animal. Eventually he settled down in an armchair next to the bed to watch some television.

 

After lunch Tina brought down the CD. "Here's the CD you wanted. How long is she going to borrow it for?"

"She?" thought Sally. "Oh, since this is a ward of male to female transsexuals I suppose Tina would assume that this is a girl."

"Er, I think she will be finished by tonight. If so I will run it up before going home."

"Are you working late again?"

"Yes. Short staffed so having to work an extra half shift. Jasmine is doing the same."

"Will you be finished by Wednesday?"

"That's a point. I think I will have to postpone it."

"Okay. See you later."

 

As Tina left Sally took the CD player into Simon.

"Hi Simon, how are things going?"

"Crap. I was watching the news and the crash is beginning to become a political fight between Labour and The Conservatives."

"How?"

"Well the Labour transport minister was promising tightening of the legislation on placing an aircraft in danger. The Tories have now reacted saying that the incident was caused due to lack of government investment in the industry and the part privatisation of the National Air Traffic Service."

"What do you want to do?" asked Sally

"I've an idea; do you have some plain paper and a pen?"

"Yes why?"

"Let me have a while and I'll show you. Ooh is that the CD player?"

"Yes. Tina from the children's ward just brought down the CD. When you've finished with it please let me know as Tina said No Half Measures is a very popular CD."

I plugged in the CD player while Sally collected the paper and pen from the nursing station. When she returned I asked, "Would it be possible to be left alone for the next couple of hours while I listen to the CD and think about my parents? I know you are all concerned about me and after yesterday I presume that the room is monitored.

"It's for your own safety," responded Sally.

"I don't mind," continued Simon. "It is nice that you all care. It is just I don't want you too worry if I get upset and emotional. I promise not to hurt myself."

"Okay but if I see anything too irrational then somebody will check on you. We are responsible for you and there would be hell to pay if anything happened to you."

Sally left and he spent the best part of the next hour scribbling away on the paper. When he'd finished he turned on the CD. Soon the wispy coral sound of "Waiting in Heaven" floated through the room. The raw passion of a voice that at times sounded like it was barely in control wreaked havoc with his emotions. As the song entered its finale tears were streamed down his face.

Simon sat still engulfed in silence as he started to remember the good times that he had with both of them. The way they had fussed over him on his first day at school. They must have taken 2 rolls of film that day. As he got older his parents were always there to see every rugby match that he played in. When entering puberty his dad showing him how to shave. When his friendship with Kirsty blossomed into a romance his mum was there with advice. How would he be able to live his life without the bedrock that his parents gave?

How would my parents have reacted to be loosing my manhood? This was a difficult one. They had quite traditional views on items such as marriage but also had very open attitudes towards other people. A comment my father once said came to mind, "Appearance matters only for initial impressions; what carries a relationship is what is in the heart. Be true to yourself and you have nothing to fear." They had always shown unconditional love. Punishments were fair and fitted the misconduct. Yes, they would have found it difficult but have been supportive.

Simon rose gently from the chair and looked out of the window. He leaned against the of white window sill and stared at the activity below. From this position he could see the main road and life generally pass by. He watched as he saw a young girl, who appeared to have only recently learnt to walk, amble down the road with her parents. The girl, who was holding onto her mothers arm, tripped against a raised paving slab and burst into tears. He watched with tears in his eyes as the mother scooped her baby into her arms and the father kissed her knee's better.

As they moved off Simon stood staring out of the window watching the passers by while remembering being a member of a family. Naturally his memories were not just of his parents but also included his grandfather. The last thing he remembered his dying grandfather saying was "Don't morn my passing. I'll still be watching over you. However after I'm buried I want you to join with your parents and celebrate the good things of my life. Remember the fun things we have done together and not the funeral."

He looked at the watch left by the same grandfather. It was half past six, had he really been reminiscing for over two hours? One of his favourite memories of his father was listening to the evening comedy on radio four. Simon looked to see if the CD player could receive radio. After finding it could he tuned it to the correct frequency. "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" was just starting. This was one of his favourites and as the teams were being introduced he remembered the laughter he used to share with his father.

Rachel had come down to see Simon and was surprised to hear the chortle over a radio program. She had been informed by Sally that he wanted to be left alone to brood over his parents. Crying had been the minimum she had expected but not laughter.

Not wanting to intrude and break the moment she hovered at the door waiting for a good time to enter. As she waited she heard the radio say

"Next we have 'One Song To The Tune of Another'"

What ever is he listening to? However she decided to listen hoping it would give insight into his personality. The presenter continued to explain the game and said, "Okay first up is Tim. I want you to sing 'Jerusalem' to the tune of 'The Birdie Song'."

Rachel heard the first few moments of the song and moved away back to the nurses station trying to suppress her own laughter.

"That was not what I expected," informed Rachel.

"He was very introspective earlier and did quite a bit of crying. I wanted to go in and comfort him and I found it very difficult to stay away. He then changed from the CD and put on the radio. I watched as his mood changed from tearful to cheerful. Whatever he has been brooding about all afternoon he has come to some conclusion."

"I'll leave him to finish listening to this program before interrupting him. Simon has been through a lot of pain over the last few days and if the radio cheers him up then there is now way I'm going to interrupt that," explained Rachel as she watched the monitor.

A few minutes after the program finished the melody of The Archers whistled out of the radio. "Mum used to like listening to it," thought Simon to himself, "but I'm afraid that this is one tradition I'm not going to continue with."

 

Rachel entered the room just as Simon switched off the radio. It was at that moment that she saw his state. Visible tear stains looked stark on his face. The top of the hospital gown appeared to be damp from the emotional upheaval from the previous hours. As Simon sat back in the chair he sighed and tiredly rubbed his eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

Simon looked up with a look of surprise. "I hadn't heard you come in."

"Sorry, you were very preoccupied. So, how do you feel?"

"Shattered, but feeling a bit better about my parents."

"Why is that?"

"I was worried what they would have thought about me now. I contemplated my life and realised that my parents loved me for me. What was between my legs was inconsequential."

"How are you feeling about your parents death?"

"Slightly better. I miss them terribly. However I know that they are gone and there is nothing that I can do about it. I feel hurt that they are gone and aren't going to be here to help me through my injuries."

"Who do you blame for your parents deaths?"

"Lots of different people. It appears to change by the hour. Currently I blame the people who switched on their mobile phones. Sometimes it is the designers of the building, other times God or even sometimes Mr Wilson."

"Who is Mr Wilson?"

"He is Kirsty's foster father. Actually she was adopted about a year ago; she had been fostered by them for about three years prior to that. He got a new job else where in the country and were moving. Mr and Mrs Wilson were like second parents to me as I spent so much time with them. Kirsty's and my parents decided that it would be best if I wasn't around when they moved so we were going on holiday."

"Okay. What were your parents like? Tell me about them."

For the next half hour Simon described them and went on to talk about is final hours talking to his mother. As his description went on he became more emotional and tears trickled down his face. However Simon continued expressing his memories and showing his obvious love for his now dead parents.

Simon slowly regained his composure and asked Rachel, "Have you seen the news today regarding the accident?"

"Are you meaning how the politicising of the incident?"

"Yes. I've put something together and wonder if you would have a look?"

As Sally nodded Simon passed the paper he had composed. As she read it she occasionally gave quick glances at Simon.

"Are you sure you're only fifteen?" she asked rhetorically. As she finished she asked "The comments have upset you that much?"

"Yes. They don't appear to have any real thought for the people injured or killed. I just hope that this refocuses them into doing something positive."

"Well I think it is well written and I hope that it does the job. Now you have written it how are you going to release into the field?"

"Here is a sheet of paper with whom it should be sent to. I don't have a fax or phone number but directory enquiries should be able to help."

"Leave it with me and I'll get it too him tonight." Sally paused to collect her thoughts on where the conversation had previously been going. "You were very reticent to talk yesterday. You put up a front trying to suppress your emotions. Yet today you are talking about your parents and have been crying. What has changed?"

Simon just sat there, his eyes still moist.

"Something happened," prodded Rachel. "What was it?"

"I had a bad dream last night and it upset me greatly. Jasmine came in and helped me. She showed me that it is best to talk about your feelings rather than bottle them up. I've repressed my emotions for years and was having difficulty expressing them. I remembered a CD I'd heard called No Half Measures by Cara Malone. It contains a song written when her mother died. Her sentiments were not quite mine but were close enough, coupled with her raw emotion, to help me show mine."

"Can I listen to it?"

"Sure," he said turning on the CD player selecting the correct track. The song played out of the small speakers and the emotion of the singer filled the hearts of the small but attentive audience.

"I wonder how long after her mothers death this was recorded," thought Rachel. "She sure did sound highly emotional."

The song finished with

"Oh how I wish I could see you now, lifted beyond the stars

No more hurt, no more pain, almost too wonderful to be

Through my tears I steel myself, clinging to the edge of hope

Heaven is to be with you again - so save a place for me."

The silence filled the still air and a blanket of tension engulfed them. Nothing was said as both of them sat considering themselves. Rachel had been used to dealing with other peoples emotions and watched Simon with blurry eyes. Whoever Cara Malone was she certainly knew how to tug at people's heartstrings.

After about ten minutes of introspection Simon broke the silence, "Thank you for your help." Simon dried his eyes from a rapidly diminishing box of tissues. "Today has been difficult and I feel tired, can we continue tomorrow?"

"How about ten o'clock?"

Simon nodded and continued, "Would it be possible to give the player and CD back to Sally."

Rachel walked carrying the items leaving Simon alone.

 

"How is he?" asked Sally who was just finished handing over to Jasmine.

"He talked a lot about his parents. I've yet to find out about the radio program and how he managed to laugh at a time when he had just been through so much. Also he talked very little about how he is coping with himself and I feel he his avoiding this. Simon is so exhausted so he should go to sleep quite easily. However he still has issues that are troubling him greatly and his refusal to deal with them will undoubtedly lead to more nightmares."

  

  

  

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