December

by: Joanne Hillier

 

Well today is my birthday, at least it was today, it’s probably a few days later now as you read this. Yes earlier this week I turned twenty four years of age. Now I’m even closer to my mid-twenties and I’m still a man, at least physically. Nothing has really changed over the years it seems.

It was four years ago today that my life turned around, actually it was a couple months earlier that I went to my first LBGT(Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, Transgender) meeting but this was the day that I consider the best moment of that year. I woke up that day crying because I had turned twenty, I was out of my teen years, I was growing old and my life was just full of unhappiness. You know how huge an ocean is? Imagine the Atlantic Ocean, imagine every drop that goes into it, then imagine those are all my tears from over the years. That was what my life was and is about.

Well when I turned twenty a friend called me from the LBGT Office asking if I was coming in today, I really had no intention of getting out of bed but I did anyways, I got out of bed and went to the office and well guess what I found? A few friends had a little birthday celebration for me, filled with a cake; a couple little things that I still cherish but most importantly they were there, my friends. That day the ocean of my tears didn’t seem to matter.

A week and half later from that I was still on a high, I came out to my parents then when they were visiting the city. I wasn’t ready; I was still dealing with it and figuring out what being a transsexual means. I think I partly came out because I was on such a high from life because of friends from the LBGT, having a high from and for life is good but you also got to step back and look around before you make decisions on that image. I think partly to, I wanted Christmas presents that reflected who I was, but if I thought about it back then I knew my parents wasn’t going to just come around and things change.

Well since then I have shed enough tears to fill the Pacific Ocean now. I thought about killing myself, I thought about using a plastic bag over my head, maybe I could drown myself, maybe I could slit my wrists but I could never muster the courage to do it. I knew part of me still wanted to live, putting the bag over my head I knew I didn’t want to do this, I couldn’t do this, I still wanted to live, I wanted to be who I am inside, a woman. I don’t know if I was ever at the point that I could truly do it, but I was at the point a few times that I seriously thought about it and planned it out, I just knew every time I couldn’t do it because part of me always wanted to live.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to live now, even though it may not seem like it, but this is the month of December. I thought "Oh Christmas is coming up, yay…" earlier this year but now I realize what a sad month December is. December is when I turn one year older and I realize since I found out who I was inside a number of years earlier that nothing has changed. December is the month that I came out to my parents four years ago, and well December is the month family get together during Christmas and every hour of those days you hear your birth name repeated and repeated…..

 

Author’s Note: This is how I feel today on my birthday but I would never do anything that would hurt myself so don’t worry about me. This is just my feelings on December. I know there are several grammar mistakes but I did this as I cried and well I feel it is better to just submit what I wrote as I typed and cried.

 

 

 

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© 2001 by Joanne Hillier. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.