Dear Son

by Dave Hicks

 

Dear Son,

Take care of the cat. Don’t forget to feed the poor thing once in a while and change the litter tray (at least once ever six months) if that’s not too much trouble. Try picking out the dry lumps of shit, before the neighbor’s dog eats them. Wash your hands afterwards - with soap. And while you’re at it, you could try to remember to take the garbage out. Before it goes out the door under its own steam, looking for something to mate with.

Which reminds me - when was the last time you eat off a clean plate? It seems to me, those were the very same dirty plates you had in the sink on my previous visit three months before. I recognize the Amtrak logo on them. Admittedly, they did look a little cleaner, but I’m sure that’s because the cockroaches have been living off them. I’m not trying to nag you, but you’ve got to start trying to live like a more normal human being. If that’s possible. It’s time you dragged yourself out of the sewer and into the gutter.

I’m sure you’re your father and I didn’t raise you to be a slob - sitting in front of the TV for the rest of you life. It makes no difference that you haven’t paid your power bill for a year and the screen is blank. You always run the risk of your body bonding to the chair and having to go to the hospital to get it surgically removed. You’re going to look very silly in the Casualty Department with a lounge chair stuck to you - aren’t you? And everyone knows, if you don’t walk (at least once in a while) the muscles will shrivel up, get gangrene and your legs will eventually fall off. If you do ever find enough energy to walk again, remember to stand up straight and don’t slouch. Slouching causes permanent curvature of the spine in later life - like old Granny Thompson next door used to have - before she passed away. I sometimes wonder to myself, how they ever got her to lie flat in the coffin.

And - was that the same tee shirt you wore the last time I saw you? The stains down the front certainly looked the same. Buy another one. You do remember where they sell them - don’t you? Try to remember to wear underpants. When they get skid marks in them, that means it’s time to change them. It also means you’re not taking the time to wipe your bottom properly.

And change the sheets on the bed. I’m sure they weren’t that color when I gave them to you. Don’t even bother about washing them - they’d never survive the ordeal. While you’re at it - you’d better burn the whole bed and get a new one. Don’t give me some sad story about how you can’t afford it. With the amount of wildlife you have living in that awful mattress of yours, it’s already costing you a packet just to feed them, as it is. Please remember to brush your teeth. Green teeth are not sexy and most nice women find it a turn-off. I don’t want to hear again, how toothpaste is so expensive. I already know that. We all know that, already. And comb that rat’s nest you call your hair. Buy a comb. Take time out to learn the basic skills required to use one. Better still - get a hair cut. Remember to warn the barber, you haven’t had it cut since you came out of the navy. Who knows, he might even find that old cap you’ve spent years looking for, hiding in there somewhere. I’d hate to think what else might be in there as well. Mice, I wouldn’t be surprised.

It wouldn’t hurt to give your nails a bit of trim. I’m told, the neighbor’s children call you Claw Man. I’m sure they’re not trying to upset you. They think it looks really cool. But you know what young children are like, when it comes to all things disgusting. I can remember your own fascination for playing in drains, when you were their age. One time, you sat for hours under the kitchen sink, sucking on the leaking sink U bend pipe - until we got a plumber in to fix it. It took weeks before you finally stopped complaining about that.

Remember to write me, once in a while. Sharpen the crayon before you start next time - that way you’ll get more on the page. Please don’t cut yourself with the knife. Try to use a blank page. I’ll send the court order you used the last time, back to you. Hopefully, the judge will choose to ignore the drawings on it. You don’t have to try and use any big words, when you write to me. The stick figures in your last letter were just fine. I imagine the thing hanging from the ceiling fan was the cat - it wouldn’t surprise me anymore if it was. What was the meaning of the fist coming through the door. Had you forgotten to pay your drug bill again?

You said you were contemplating having a sex change from being a male. What gender were you thinking of changing to? Do you know a psychiatrist you can talk to about it? I’ve discussed it with your father and he feels; anything would have to be an improvement - no matter what you do. Just as long as you don’t expect him to pay for it. I can still remember the time when you pawned all his power tools to buy drugs and your father threatened to sex change you - for free.

Try to remember what your father said to you, when you left home the first time. He didn’t mean, you could never come back home. What he really meant was; you couldn’t come back - while he still lived with me. I don’t really think becoming a woman will change his mind - somehow.

Always remember to say your prayers at night, before you fall into a drunken stupor. It’s very important to talk to God. Sometimes He’s the only friend you have in the world. I happen to know, God isn’t really impressed with you at the moment, but rest assured, he does still love you. That’s why he’s God and that’s why no one else wants his job. He must be able to see something in you, your father and I never could.

As always, your long-suffering Mother.

 

 

 

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© 2003 by Dave Hicks. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.