The Davesport Master Project
by: Rocketman
Last week, three film students traveled to the small town of Davesport to make a student film about the strange going ons around the local Walgreens. They vanished and were never heard from again.
Yesterday, their footage was discovered in an adult video store.
(The Following Account Is Not Quite A Screenplay Due To The Fact That The Author Knows Jack About Writing One)
Production cost - $ 0 (Okay, maybe 3 bucks, but that was for a pastrami sandwich)
Wednesday, August 16 – 3:03 PM
(A human breath overheard)
Mike Williams: "Is that fucking thing on?"
(More breathing)
Mike: "Shit, I think it is………cut!"
(Recording stops)
(Twelve Minutes Pass)
Mike: "This goddamn thing better work!"
Kate Ross: "Fuck you, Mike! You’re the one that didn’t want to spend any money on a better fucking camera."
Jed Davis: "Shut up you two!"
Mike: "Oh, go fuck yourself! Where the hell are we?"
Kate: "Right where we’re supposed to be……Walgreens, just like the Rising Star said."
Jed: "Damn, I sure hope we’re doing the right thing……this shit about guys suddenly changing into pussies scares me shitless".
Kate: "It don’t scare me."
Jed: "That’s because you’re a fuckin’ pussy already, shit!"
(Image finally returns)
Mike: "Hey, I think it’s working."
(Tilts camera so that his face is all you can see. His black, greasy hair hangs loosely over his forehead)
Mike: "We are about to enter the hot zone of the Master reports."
Kate: "Dammit, Mike! A hot zone is the center of a disease outbreak."
Mike: "Kate, I’m working here, come on".
(Camera aims at Walgreens, which is directly behind them)
Mike: "Here you can see Walgreens, where the Master of Chaos Theory is rumored to reside."
(Camera zooms in on the retail store and catches sight of a street-vendor’s table)
Mike: "Holy mother-fucking shit!"
(Camera jerks around)
Jed: "What is it man?"
(Camera lowers to the ground and jerks around some more)
Mike: "Oh shit! I see it, come on!"
(Begins running with camera, jerks all over, showing occasional images of the others and Walgreens)
Jed: "Oh fuck, it’s for real!"
(Camera finally aims at the store, which has gotten even closer)
(Occasional panting)
Kate: "Shit, this is creepy!"
(Camera jerks all over the place like an earthquake is going on, occasionally pointing in the direction of the street-vendor’s table)
Jed: "Hey dude!"
(An unintelligible voice is heard)
Jed: "Are you the guy with the raven?"
(Unintelligible response)
Jed: "What the fuck did you say?"
A voice: "I said yes. I know a raven, what about it?"
Mike: (whispering) "Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit."
Jed: "You the guy who’s been turning guys into women?"
The voice: "No, I personally don’t have such power."
(Pause)
Mike: "In the Rising Star there’s an article talking about several people who’ve bought items from you who ended up as a different gender".
(Camera points at a wizen old man seated in a lawn chair with a street-vendor’s table set out before him. On top of the table are several miscellaneous items. On the front of the table is a sign that reads "The Master Will Solve Any Problem You Have")
Mike: "Where’s the Master?"
The Old Man: "He’s on vacation right now. How can I help you?"
Mike: "Can you tell us where the Master is?"
The Old Man: "Oh, I don’t know. He specifically told me that he did not want to be disturbed. Are you sure you don’t need anything? I have a wonderful Walkman right here on sale for only seven dollars."
Jed: "Whoa! Only seven bucks? Does it play CD’s?
Mike: "Dammit, Jed! Shut up………Sir, we just need to know where the Master went".
(The old man thinks about this for a moment, clutching his chin. Camera jerks some more.)
The Old Man: "All right, I’ll tell you, but only if you buy something."
Mike: "Like what?"
The Old Man: "Well………do you perchance have any camping tents? Only 20 dollars each."
Mike: "What does that have to do with anything?"
(The old man shrugs, or at least it appears to be a shrug with the jittery camera angle)
Mike: "All right. Here’s 60 bucks. Where’s the Master?
(The old man reaches behind the table and comes back with three boxes).
The Old Man: "Here’s your purchase. They can be easily folded for transport. Have fun in the woods to the west."
(Pause)
Mike: "Is that where the Master is, the western forests?"
(The old man nods and rearranges the items on the table)
Mike: "Where exactly?"
(The old man shrugs)
The Old Man: "The Master likes to wander through the forest."
Mike: "You mean fly, right?"
The Old Man: "Yah, same thing."
Mike: "Okay, cut."
(Film terminates)
Wednesday, August 16 – 4:42 PM
(Camera begins filming again. Jed stands in front of the camera, showing off his neatly combed, blond-streaked hair and "Westside Rules!" t-shirt)
Jed: "Dammit, is that thing on?"
Mike: "I think it is."
Jed: "Cool. All right. Here we are in the forests around Davesport, looking for the elusive Davesport Master. We’ve set up camp near the tree line. Okay, cut."
Mike: "What?! Is that it?"
(Jed frowns in the camera and nods slowly. Tall trees are all around him in the background)
Jed: "Yah, dude……that’s it".
Mike: "What about all the stuff we been doing since?"
Jed: "Well, Kate took a piss and Mike took a crap, unfortunately the Academy frowns on films with that kind of stuff."
Mike: "Man, you are one sick sob."
Jed: "What the fuck you talking about? You’re the sob! We ain’t done nothing yet, so cut the damn thing!"
Mike: "With pleasure."
(Camera stops filming)
(Camera starts again. Kate stands in front of the camera, brown hair falling softly on her shoulders. She has on a black halter-top.)
Kate: "I swear to God, you dickhead……if you even think of pointing that camera at my tits……I’m gonna make you eat your balls!"
Mike: "They get in the way! I can’t help it."
Kate: "And your balls are gonna get in the way of your mouth!"
(Mike sighs and keeps the camera angle high)
Kate: "Got that! All right. Here we are in the heavily wooded forests surrounding the small community of Davesport. Follow us as we search for the Master of Chaos Theory."
(Mike snickers)
Mike: "Follow us, kids, as we search for the sugar plum fairy."
(Kate flips him off)
Kate: "Behind any of these trees could lurk………the Davesport Master!"
Mike: "I think I’ll take tree number one."
Kate: "Dammit, Mike. Don’t push me! I’m trying to create a mood here and you’re fuckin’ it up like you always fuck things up."
(The camera drops lower, prominently featuring Kate’s firm tits……within the confines of her halter-top, of course)
Mike: "Oh, so now I’m the only one who fucks things up any more? How about Miss ‘ I-can’t-have-a-relationship-with-you-cause-it’ll-screw-up-my-movie-career ‘? How about her and her flat tire tits?"
(Kate’s mouth hangs open, but her face is tilted sideways)
Kate: "You son of a bitch! I wanted a relationship, but no, you had to go for hot and steamy. Just because I brought you in on my project doesn’t mean I give a shit whether you live or die."
Mike: "I didn’t want hot and steamy. I just wanted, I don’t know, something on Saturday nights to pass the time. Oh, reading a book, really arousing."
Kate: "Your fucking problem is you’re too much like all the others. Too much like all the men who’ve ever lived, antsy to pop our cherries. I just wish you’d realize there’s more to a woman than her pussy……there’s a person there too."
Mike: "Yah. Sure. Whatever. Hey where’s Jed? His section’s up next."
(Camera pans around, focusing on Kate with a fed-up look)
Kate: "How the hell should I know? He’s your friend!"
(Camera zooms over to camp, which is completely obscured by trees)
Mike: "Dammit, I can’t make it out. Hey, Jed, Get your lazy fucking ass over here!"
(A bird flaps its wings in response to Mike’s outburst)
Mike: "Oh, shit!"
(Camera tilts completely up, showing a view of the overcast sky)
Mike: "It’s the Master, oh shit!"
Kate: "Mike!"
Mike: "Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap."
(A circular object drops from the sky. Mike screams a high-pitched scream. The object smears the lens)
Mike: "Oh, crap. Oh, crap."
(Kate laughs out loud)
Kate: "You know, Mike. For once in the life, you’re absolutely right. It is crap. Bird crap to be precise."
(Kate snickers).
Mike: "That was the Master………dammit, that shit had some kind of magic powers in it".
(Kate shakes her head)
Kate: "It was a starling. The only way you’re going to feel weird is if you smear that stuff on you dick."
(Kate laughs uncontrollably again)
(Mike reaches over and cleans the camera lens with a handkerchief)
Mike: "Shut up! Where the hell’s Jed?"
Kate: "Probably back at camp where we left him."
Mike: "I can’t make him out, but I’ll try zooming again."
(Camera zooms closer to basecamp. The tents they set up can just barely be seen)
Mike: "We have to get closer."
(Switches camera off)
Wednesday, August 16 – 6:02 PM
(Kate is sitting in front of the camera, which is once again held by Mike)
Kate: "Ok, there’s been a minor setback. We’ve returned to basecamp and found that Jed is missing. He might have ventured around without us, but I doubt that."
Mike: "Minor setback? The Master captured him, and that’s just a fucking ‘ minor setback ‘?"
Kate: "The Master is a damn raven, I doubt he could take Jed, especially with the way he’s been downing those twinkies these last few weeks".
Mike: "I can’t believe you!"
Kate: "Screw you!"
(There’s some rustling in the bushes. Mike points the camera in the direction of the sound)
Mike: "What the fuck is that?"
(Kate shrugs, her shoulders still in the picture)
Kate: "Probably a deer."
Mike: "Shhhh!"
Kate: "It’s a damn deer!"
Mike: "Shut up!"
(A quiet moment passes before the sound returns. This time it’s closer)
Mike: "Umm, I really don’t think we should be here."
(Rustling grows in intensity)
Kate: "Me neither. Let’s get out of here."
(They begin to back away from the sound. Then it shifts and they can hear it in the direction they’re heading).
Kate: "What the fuck?"
Mike: "Oh man, Jed’s a fucking corpse, I just know it and we’re gonna join him ".
Kate: "Shut up!"
Mike: "Oh man, oh man."
Kate: "All right, it sounds too small to be Jed."
Mike: "Of course it’s not Jed, It’s the damn thing that got Jed."
Kate: "Nothing got Jed. He just went out to get some firewood or something."
(Mike swivels the camera over to the fire pit, which they’re freshly dug. There are several logs resting on the unlit pile)
Mike: "Scratch that theory."
Kate: "Dammit, where is that mother-fucker?"
Mike: "My thoughts exactly".
(The rustling intensifies; whatever is making the sound is only a few feet in front of them. Kate reaches out to hold Mike’s hand)
Kate: "Umm, I read somewhere that predators are less likely to attack two people who stand closely together."
Mike: "Bullshit."
Kate: "Humor me."
(Mike points the camera over at Kate to capture the image of her growing fear. The object in the trees bursts through a second later. The whirling camera reveals it is Jed)
Mike: "Then what the hell was that other thing?"
(As soon as Mike points his camera at the other rustling sound, a small squirrel bursts out of the bushes and moves toward their tents. When it realizes that humans are there, it makes a b-line back to the bushes)
Mike: "Shit."
(Jed glances around, as though there’s something he’s missing).
Jed: "So did the Master show up while I was gone or something?"
Mike: "No, but you nearly scared us shitless by running off like that. Where the hell did you go anyway?"
(Jed shrugs)
Jed: "Just scopin’ the area. Didn’t turn nothing up but a whole bunch of trees."
Kate: "I warned you against that, we all go out into the forest or we stay at camp. We never go alone."
(Jed raises his hands in his defense)
Jed: "Ok, I ain’t got no problem with that. Jeez, I was just looking."
(Kate looks at him carefully, wondering if there’s something different about Jed)
Kate: "Umm, did you shave recently?"
Jed: "Naw, why do you ask?"
Kate: "Your beard doesn’t look quite as full for some reason."
(The camera drops slightly and starts shaking)
Mike: "Oh shit. It’s begun, he’s turning into a woman, just like the others."
Kate: "Fuck off, Mike! Those transformations happened quickly."
Mike: "But those were the only ones that have been confirmed. There are supposed to a bunch of others but they haven’t found any evidence of yet. What if not all of the transformations that occur are sudden? What if some take months, even years but aren’t any more reversible than the other kind? Oh, shit."
Kate: "That’s a bunch of shit, Mike. You don’t know any of that’s true. Until we know for sure, let’s not jump to any irrational conclusions."
Mike: "I ain’t gonna give away my manhood, I’m sleeping in the open tonight, not in those damn tents".
Kate: "Then the Master will get you and your little dickie too!"
(Mike yelps)
Mike: "Dammit, Kate!"
Kate: "Okay, sorry. Are you happy now?"
Mike: "I only time I’ll be happy is when we leave this fucking forest."
Kate: "We’ve traveled a long way to get here. We can’t just turn around now because you don’t have the balls to go on. Right, Jed?"
Jed: "That’s right. It would be real fucked up if you quit now, Mike".
Mike: "Jed, if we don’t get out of here soon the two of us will be fucked up pussies. Do you understand that?"
Jed: "Hey, dude, I know the risks. I also know when you’re thinking with your lower brain, and I don’t mean the one between your legs."
Kate: "Mike’s been known for doing both of those things."
Jed: "Man, you gotta trust me. There ain’t nothing out here that can hurt us."
Mike: "I’d like to make a bet against you on that point."
Jed: "You’re crazy if you think I’m gonna make a bet on a stupid thing like that".
Mike: "Stupid enough that you’re unwilling to make a bet or plausible enough that you just don’t want to risk losing?"
Jed: "I don’t know man, you’ve flipped out these last couple of hours. Kate, maybe we should just leave this fucking forest and find ourselves a motel for the night."
Kate: "Our flight back is the day after tomorrow. Right now we’re in that bird’s element and right on it’s tail. Moreover, we have all the accommodations we could ever need right here. What would going to a motel room accomplish except putting us off the trail?"
Jed: "She’s right, Mike. All this crap we’ve been through will be worth jack if we turn back now. Now don’t I have a line coming up."
(Camera aims at Jed)
Jed: (Sigh) "As of yet, we haven’t found any signs of the Master of Chaos Theory. Cut."
Mike: "Man, you’re the reason they invented the word brevity."
Jed: "Well, you’re the reason they invented the word……the hell’s that sound?"
(Low-level humming mixed with a faint whistling overheard)
Mike: "What the fuck you talking……hey, I hear it too! Damn."
Jed: "I hear it coming from that direction."
(Begins walking to the west, deeper into the woods. Camera shakes as the others run after him)
Kate: "Jed, I don’t know about this."
Jed: "We don’t have no other leads. What else are we supposed to do? In about an hour or so the sun is gonna start setting. What the hell are we supposed to do then? The bird’s gonna blend in with the environment".
Kate: "Okay, but we gotta stay within line of sight of basecamp."
Mike: "And that would be what? Eighty feet? There’s no way we’re gonna find out what that is and stay close to camp. One of us is gonna have to stay behind and the others will have to go. Or we’re gonna have to leave a trail".
Kate: "It’s too dangerous to leave anyone behind at basecamp. We’re gonna have try to make a trail as we go. Cool?"
Mike: "Yah, just let me change the battery in this thing."
(Film Terminates)
Wednesday, August 16 – 6:49 PM
(Film Resumes. The sun is beginning to set in the west. There are extremely long tree shadows and near darkness along the ground because of that)
Mike: "Shit, this place is damn creepy."
Kate: "Tell me about it."
Mike: "So, anyone know any songs."
Jed: "What?"
Mike: "What? Are you not so scared shitless that you don’t want to try something to pass the fucking time?"
Jed: "Hey, man. I’m scared, okay. Jeez. I just don’t want to go through the fucking forest singing ‘ Hakuna Matata ‘ or some shit."
(Both laugh as Kate stares at them nervously)
Mike: "Okay, man. Umm, how about name your favorite actor or actress?"
Jed: "Cool. Sean Connery. Man, he’s like eighty or something and he can still kick ass. Plus he gets girls that are a fourth his age."
Mike: "Cool. Tom Hanks. Everything he’s in is considered Oscar-caliber or better".
Kate: "Anne Heche."
(Pause)
Jed: "Ain’t she the chick who’s married to a chick?"
Kate: "Correct."
Jed: "What’s she done?"
Kate: "She’s stood by her partner despite all the negative publicity their romance had generated."
Jed: "I mean movie-wise."
Kate: "Numerous blockbusters."
Jed: "Name one really important one."
Kate "Volcano. She played an intelligent, independent geologist. There are woman geologists, in real life, if you were wondering."
Jed: "Man, that homo stuff is just too creepy for me."
Kate: "That’s just because you’ve never tried it before."
Jed: "And you have."
(Kate smiles)
Kate: "There are things I’ve done with women that are thousand times more enjoyable than the things I’ve done with men".
Jed: "Chick……you are sick!"
Kate: "Come on. We’ll talk sex later."
Mike: "Shit, I know what’s going on here."
(Camera shows Kate and Jed)
Kate: "Well, illuminate me."
Mike: "You made some kinda deal with that old geezer, or the Master or the Devil. Hell, they might all be one and the same. You handed us away for your own fucking pleasure. You’re gonna make us into chicks to satisfy some perverse homosexual lust".
Kate: "Don’t flatter yourselves. I doubt either of you would make the kind of women I’d be interested in."
Jed: "Man, you’re just making it up! You don’t know none of this, and you can’t prove it."
Mike: "Maybe. But I know that some strange shit can happen and probably will. Jed, how’s your beard?"
(Jed scratches his chin; it’s still hairy and full)
Jed: "Same as before."
Mike: "I’m gonna bet that it’s beginning the process inside of you right now".
Jed: "What do you mean, it? I don’t feel no different."
Mike: "Exactly. That’s how it takes you, it make you feel like nothing’s wrong, then whammo you’ve got whoppers, a wet pussy and female sexual cravings".
Kate: "Will the two just shut the fuck up and walk?! Hell, I’ll tell you I’m a closet nun if it’ll keep you quiet."
(Squawk)
Mike: "Oh my God."
(Camera drifts up to the tree level then catches sight of a black blur).
Mike: "It’s real! Oh my God! Oh my God!"
(Camera focuses. It reveals a gnarled twig that resembles a perching bird)
Mike: "Oh, shit. It made itself disappear!"
Jed: "There weren’t nothing there, dude. You’re losing it!"
Mike: "I ain’t losing it!"
Kate: "Look!"
(Camera turns to reveal a wooden object hanging in the trees. It looks oddly like a person. It turns slowly in the wind, making an ominous whistling noise)
Mike: "What the hell is that?"
Kate: "I don’t know, but look at that."
(As they enter a clearing, the camera shows a small cabin made of logs. All around it are the same wooden figures. As the camera advances through the clearing, the door at the front of the cabin swings open. A heavy-set woman wearing a black dress with a black pointed hat on the top of her head stares back at them. She also has several warts on her face)
The woman: "Don’t mess with my wind chimes! Do you know how long it took to set those things up?!"
Mike: "Who are you?"
(The woman storms down the steps and stands with an angry look on her face)
The woman: "Why, I’m the Davesport Witch, who the hell did you think I was?! You came looking for me, right?"
Mike: "Actually, no. We’re looking for a raven named the Master of Chaos Theory?"
The Witch: "What?! Him again! That bastard always steals the limelight. ‘ Sorry, Eliza. But your not big enough to have your own urban legend ‘. Oh sure, my cousin Blair has the flair to eat children, but what do if you have a fucking food allergy to that? Well you end up like me, stuck in a damn forest, unscary as hell."
Kate: "If it’ll make you feel better. You scare me."
The Witch: (sniffle) "Really?"
Kate: "Really."
The Witch: "Thanks, no one’s ever been afraid of me before. I really appreciate it."
Kate: "No problem."
(The witch smiles and looks the three of them over)
The Witch: "So the three of you are looking for the Master?"
Mike: "Yes. Do you perchance know where he is?"
The Witch: "Sure I know where that bastard is. Come on, follow me".
(Camera tilts back and forth chaotically as they follow the Davesport Witch. This continues for ten minutes as they make their way through the forest)
The Witch: "There’s the shithead!"
(The camera follows her hand to show a raven lying on the ground and another raven right next to it. The two of them are engaged in an intimate embrace)
The Witch: (Screams) "You son of a bitch!"
(One of the ravens hops away, leaving the other chirping in confusion. It looks up and lets out a disgusted squawk. The Witch flips him off)
The Witch: "So, getting your thing on. I expected no less. These people here have been looking in vain for you. Go ahead, he won’t do a damn thing."
(Mike hands the camera over to Kate and approaches the Master. The Master frowns and squawks, as to say ‘ What do you want?’)
Mike: "Umm, Mr. Master, sir. We’re film students from the University of Miami. We were just wondering if we could document you and ask a few questions."
(Squawk)
The Witch: "I’ll do it, he says."
Mike: "All right, now first of all, have you always been a raven?"
(Squawk)
The Witch: "Since the day I hatched, says he."
Mike: "How did you get to have such power?"
(Squawk)
The Witch: "Plenty of hard work and sweat, his words."
Jed: "Why do you change guys into women?"
(Squawk)
The Witch: "I never hurt them I just giving them what they asked for, a better chance".
Jed: "He said all that?"
The Witch: "Raven speak is a very concise language".
(Squawk)
The Witch: "He wants to know if you’re going to put the film in the theaters?"
Mike: "I don’t know. We don’t have all that much stuff that’s all that exciting. Most of it’s just us bitching to one another."
(Squawk)
The Witch: "He wants to know why that matters."
Mike: "Well, we don’t even have enough to make a regular movie even if we leave everything in. It’s way under that minimum time limit."
(Squawk)
The Witch: "He says that he can help you with that."
(The Master flies off. Mike feels a chill go over his body)
Mike: "We’ve gotta get out of here".
Kate: "What are you talking about?"
(The sun dips past the horizon, evening setting in. Kate hands the camera back to Mike)
Jed: "Oh man, we gotta get back. Miss Witch?"
(The Witch has vanished)
Mike: "I don’t feel right about this. Come on, let’s go."
(They return in the direction of the cabin, moving between dark, imposing trees. The camera reveals that the cabin has vanished)
Jed: "Oh, shit. Where the hell did it go?"
Mike: "Oh man, I don’t know. Let’s just get the hell out of here. Kate?"
(No response)
Mike: "Where’s Kate?"
(Jed turns around, perplexed)
Jed: "She was right behind me a moment ago. Hey, Kate!"
(No response)
Mike: "Oh shit, this ain’t good. We gotta stick together man."
Jed: "What the hell you talking about? I gotta go back for Kate. I ain’t gonna leave her behind".
Mike: "It’s not gonna help, he’s got her already".
(Jed shakes his head and runs off after Kate)
Mike: "No, man. It’s crazy. You ain’t never gonna find her, he’ll get you too".
(Jed doesn’t heed his friend’s calls and runs into the dark, calling for Kate. After a couple of seconds, Mike can no longer see Jed anymore)
(Panting)
(Mike turns the camera around and looks for his friend)
Mike: "Dammit, Jed! Where the hell are you! Jed!"
(Squawk)
Mike: "Oh my God."
(Mike looks around again and retreats to the clearing. The cabin has mysteriously returned)
Mike: "You bastard, you should’ve stayed with me. Oh fuck, this ain’t good."
(Turns camera around looking for Jed, anything. It finds him. There’s a wolf standing at the edge of the tree-line)
Mike: "Holy fuck!"
(Scream. Mike begins running, camera points at the ground. The snarling of the wolf becomes loud, almost as loud as Mike’s panicked screams. He fiddles with the cabin door and finds that it’s locked)
Mike: "Oh, God. Please open up, please God."
(Kicks door. It flies open. Mike rushes inside. The wolf does the same)
(The wolf slides across the room and stops in the middle. Mike screams, running out the door)
(The wolf appears not to follow and in the grainy background, even seems to have a smile on it’s face. Mike runs back into the tree line, running between the dark trees)
(After running at full speed for over ten minutes, he finally stops to check behind himself. The wolf has not followed)
Mike: "Oh, shit! It really happened, he got them all! He really got them all. Oh my god! He’s gonna get me too. If he could get them, then surely he can get me too. I gotta run, that’s it. I must run."
(The camera jolts back and forth as Mike runs, trying to outrun the Master. A tree stump gets in his way. The camera drops out of his hands, landing a few feet away in the darkness)
Mike: "Oh, damn. Damn that hurts. Where’s the camera?"
(He finds the camera quickly. He’s panting, totally scared out of his life. He turns the camera toward himself, only the right half of his face visible)
Mike: "We’re all gonna be his, we’re all gonna. What did I do? Whatever it is, I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry!"
(Mike screams out into the darkness, hopeful the Master will have pity on him.)
Mike: "I’m sorry for all the women I fucked up. I’m sorry for all the terrible things I called them and said about them. I’m sorry for never being nicer to them. I’m sorry, I never listened to them. I’m sorry I screwed things up with Kate."
(A laugh)
Mike: "Who the fuck is that?
(Mike gets up and looks around)
Mike: "Show yourself, who are you?"
(Another laugh. It is a deep male laugh)
Mike: "Jed, fuck, is that you?"
(The camera turns about, jerking every which way)
(Unintelligible voice)
Mike: "Who the fuck is that? Get the fuck away! I’ve got a
fucking gun."
(Unintelligible voice speaks again, this time Mike can barely make out what is said. He looks around to see where the voice came from)
Mike: "Man, if you don’t fucking show yourself, I’m gonna fire, and I don’t give a fuck what I hit".
(A blur comes rushing through the forest over to Mike. It’s Kate)
Kate: "Mike, thank God!"
(She grabs him tightly, and plants a passionate kiss on his lips. If not for their situation, he would have found it highly arousing)
Mike: "What happened to you?"
Kate: "I turned the corner and I couldn’t find you guys. Where’s Jed?"
Mike: "He went searching for you. What the hell happened, Kate?"
Kate: "I don’t know, all I know is there’s something really weird going on here".
Mike: "No shit. That would have been my first guess too."
Kate: "Dammit, Mike. This is terribly serious. We got to find him before something awful happens."
(Mike looks and stares. He turns up the camera’s light to the highest intensity. The truth is revealed to him. Lying on the ground is a woman with long blond hair wearing a "Westside Rules!" t-shirt that is way too big for her)
Mike: "Oh, fuck……Jed?"
(The woman groans and gets to her feet).
The woman: "Mike? Is that you?"
(Her voice is a high soprano, but nonetheless bares more than a passing resemblance to Jed’s. The woman touches her head momentarily then realizes something is terribly wrong. She looks down at herself and screams).
The woman: "Mike! I’m a fucking pussy!"
Mike: "I can see that, man."
Jed: "I ain’t no man no more. (Presses a hand lightly against the inside of her thighs) Oh, shit, this is for real all right."
Mike: "Now we really gotta get out of here."
Kate: "How the fuck are we suppose to do that when we don’t know where the hell we are?"
Mike: "I don’t know, we just gotta think of something."
Kate: "We can’t think of fucking something, we don’t know where the hell we are and your damn ideas were right!"
Mike: (Pauses) "They were?"
Kate: "Yah, I mean just look at Jed."
(Mike aims the camera at Jed, whose blond hair has grown out to her shoulders. As well, two large breasts push out of her shirt, giving "Westside Rules!" a distorted appearance. Her face is similar to Jed’s sister’s. Her arms, unlike Jed’s huge appendages, are slender and hairless. She’s also several inches shorter than Jed was a few minutes ago)
Kate: "You’re gonna need a new name, Jed".
Jed: "Well, my mom was gonna name me Melinda if I was a girl".
Mike: "Trust me, chick, you are now".
Kate: "Shut up, Mike! That’s a great name, Melinda."
(Melinda smiles; seemingly taking the transformation as well as he had feared. Mike backs up)
Mike: "You two, get the fuck away from me or I’ll toss this camera right at your heads."
Kate: "Dammit, Mike. Calm down!" (Kate suddenly feels a cramp in her lower abdomen)
Mike: "No, I’m getting out of here."
(Mike runs, camera shaking back and forth violently. He doesn’t get far before he trips over another tree in the near darkness, which is only lit by the small camera light. The camera spins around a nearby tree, it’s light bulb breaking on the impact)
(Mike screams and yells for help. Only darkness enshrouds him but the camera keeps sentinel. From this angle it can’t see him, only the darkness beyond him)
Mike: "Oh, God………shit. I can feel it! It’s fucking happening; it’s really fucking happening. Oh my God. Shit. This is impossible."
(The sound a shirt being taken off overheard)
Mike: (His voice is several octaves higher) "I can feel them, oh shit. Oh damn……ooooo, shit. I can………feel them………inside of me. I can feel it. It’s taking me, taking me now. I want it now, feeling it now. It’s so strong!"
(The sound of a pair of jeans being taken off overheard)
Mike: "Oh my god! I can feel it down there. I don’t have it anymore. Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! I’m inside! Oh, shit………oooooooooo, I like that. Oh, I want that. Down there, I need it! Oh my god! Yes! Yes!".
(A tall male walks through the shadows. He’s wearing a woman’s black halter-top)
The man: "Mike?"
Mike: "Who are you?"
The man: "Everything you’ve ever wanted."
Mike: "Oh, yes. Take me please take me now like I’ve always wanted."
(The two merge to together and form a writhing, moaning mass)
(A second later the camera’s battery fails)
(End Film)
(Roll Credits)
Mike Williams – A creation of the author’s imagination.
Kate Ross – Ditto.
Jed Davis – Ditto.
Melinda Davis – Ditto.
Director – Rocketman.
Producer – Also Rocketman.
Foley Artist – Believe it or not, Rocketman.
End Note – Expect an overpriced sequel this time next year (Next time I’ll get two pastrami sandwiches!)
The End ----- for now
© 1999
The above work is copyrighted material. Anyone wishing to copy, archive, or re-post this
story must contact the author for permission.