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A Conversation         by: Ann O’Nonymous

 

Jan Martin paced up and down in the kitchen, waiting for either the phone or the sound of a car! She blamed herself for the recent turn of events, and wished she could retract words that hurt the one she loved most!

The sudden sound of a car horn startled her, and the call of "I found him’ brought some cheer to her. She wanted to rush to the door and welcome him back, but found it difficult!

"I’m in the kitchen," she called out, " is he alright?"

Susan Clark, Jan’s friend, walked in slowly. "Whooee, I need some coffee! I found him on the Parker Street Bridge, and I think he was going to do something drastic! He’s right behind me," replied Jan.

"Why didn’t you just let me go! It would solve all our problems, " Bill said as he entered the kitchen.

Jan looked at her husband of two years. She could see he was in bad shape! He had been crying and his eyes were red. She could not remember him crying before, ever!

"How about if I make some coffee for all of us, . . ." Jan started to say, when she heard the frort door close.

"Hi, anybody here?"

"Is that you, Nancy?"

"In the flesh, " Nancy replied. Nancy King was a friend of both Jan and Bill. Nancy was a woman who could turn the heads of males and females! She was divorced twice, and seemed to be working on getting husband number three!

"We’re in the kitchen. Come on back," said Jan.

"Hi Nancy, long time, no see," Jan said.

"Hi Jan. How are you doing," replied Nancy. "Hello, Susan. How are you?"

"I’ll be fine and dandy, as soon as I get some coffee in me," said Susan.

Bill sat very still. He wished he could join in the greetings, but just did not feel up to it. The events of the day were weighing heavily on his mind. Finally, he managed a "Hi, Nancy. How’s it going?"

Soon the coffee was made and poured. Some chocolate donuts appeared on a plate.

"How about we adjourn to the livingroom and get a little more comfortable," suggested Nancy.

"Good idea," replied Jan.

When all had seated themselves in chairs and couches, Nancy said, "Bill, Jan called me over because I’ve been a friend to both of you and I don’t have partiality to either of you. I think I can help in this matter. Just say the word and I’ll stay or go. You choose!"

"Do you really think so? I think I’ve really screwed up this time. Oh, why didn’t just let me go!"

"No way. I’m too attached to you," Jan replied in a very emphatic manner.

"Okay," Nancy said, "let’s talk about what happened. We’ll just sit and discuss what is bothering both of you and try to see what we can discover. I’m no professional and I can’t guarantee anything will come of this but, at least, we can try. Jan, why don’t you start the ball rolling? How about telling me how it started!"

"Alright. I was going to go shopping with Susan, and I drove over to her place. We were going in her car! We were about a block from my house when I thought about a letter I wanted to mail at the mall. She came in with me to get a drink of water. I went into the livingroom, and there was Bill coming in from the laundry room with a washbasket of clothes. He was wearing a slip, a housedress, and a pair of pink bunny slippers! I was so shocked, I said something and ran from the room to the kitchen. Susan went out the door and saw him going up the stairs. She came back to the kitchen to try to comfort me. Later, he stuck his head in the door and said something I didn’t catch! I yelled "get out of here, you faggot. I don’t ever want to see you again!’ and a minute later I heard the door slam! Damn, I was so mad I just couldn’t think straight. Susan put on some water for coffee and I broke down! I just started crying and crying. Sue said she would ask Bill what he was doing, and went to get him. She came back and said, "He’s gone. The things are on his bed.’ I really thought he would come back. After an hour or so, Sue said she would go looking for him. She found him on the Parker Street Bridge. . ."

"Hold it," said Nancy, "what was he doing there, Susan?"

"He was standing by the railing looking down at the water. You know that water there is rather deep, and I thought he was about to jump in. I walked over to him and asked him to come back with me."

"Did he say anything?"

"Only to let him go. He said, ‘It would be better all around if I was gone!’ "

"Then you convinced him to come back and try to make amends?"

"More or less."

Okay, your turn, Bill," Nancy said.. "Please start from the very beginning!"

Bill sat up a little, put his head down and said, "I am so sorry about what happened. If you give me another chance, I promise I will never do it again! Please, I’m pleading with you, please forgive me!" There were tears rolling down his cheeks, and his eyes were red!

"Bill, please tell us all. All we want to do is try to understand," Jan said.

"Sure, Bill. I’ve tried to be a friend to both of you. I promise I will not judge you on this," said Susan.

"Alright," agreed Bill. "Well, I’m a Transvestite--a crossdresser if you will. I wear women’s clothes whenever I can. It started when I was about twelve when I discovered my mother’s panties. I tried them on and I was, well, hooked. I took things from the laundry, things like panties, garter belts, slips, and others. I’ve dressed all thru high school and college. Oh God, do you know how hard this is for me to admit. I’m not a man! Not a real man like you should have, Jan, what you really deserve. You were right when you called me a faggot. That’s what I am-- Gay, a Queer!"

"Whoa there, don’t be so hard on yourself!" Nancy said emphatically. "Why do you think you’re Gay?"

"Well, I mean...," Bill replied softly. "I must be. No normal or real man wears female clothes. There has to be something wrong with me to do something like that! There has to be!"

"Okay," Nancy replied, drawing out the word. "I’m no expert! Nobody is on this subject. there isn’t a reliable estimate of the numbers of TVs in this country. You aren’t alone, that’s for sure. Let’s see, suppose we estimate the number of males in this country at, say, Eighty Million. Now the best estimates on the number of TVs, or as they say TGs, is about six to eight percent of the male population. That would be," Nancy started some writing and figuring on a piece of paper, "five to six million males. So, you are not alone. Now, that does include some Drag Queens and Transsexuals."

"Hey, I’m confused," interjected Susan. "What’s a Drag Queen?"

Nancy pursed her lips, and said, "A Drag Queen is a person who dresses as a female, but rather flamboyantly outrageous. Some say as a mockery of the female."

"Well, don’t all these, eh, transvestites do that?"

"I think a little lesson is in order," replied Nancy. "First, Transsexuals want to be females, they are pre- and post-op meaning they want to be females or operated on to change their sex. Then, there are the drag queens, who are mostly homosexual and, usually, dress in a very, as I said, outrageous manner. Then you have the Transvestites. TVs, as they are called, could pass you on the street and you would not know! They try to do their best to look as feminine as possible. They honor females by trying to emulate them."

Jan looked a bit pensive, then stated, "You mean he really thinks that much of us women?"

"Yes," replied Nancy. "I have a theory about transvestism. As you know, males come from females, and they carry female hormones in their body for awhile. So you have male and female hormones circulating in this male body. It takes time for the male sex organs to develop and produce testosterone, which makes boys into men. This is why males mature later than females. They have female hormones that have to be overcome. A male, before puberty, trying on a dress finds he enjoys the feeling, and, somehow, the testosterone level remains low. My theory!"

"So, I’m not really a man!" Bill thought out loud.

"Why should you think that? Don’t you love women, especially Jan!"

"I’ve seen you two together and I’ve never seen a more loving person, Bill," said Susan.

Jan got up and walked over to sit on Bill’s right side, she put an arm around and pulled him close to her. She felt so sorry for him, telling all this to friends, revealing secrets he kept for who knows how long!

"Anybody want more coffee?" asked Susan.

There was a chorus of noes.

"I think I’ve had enough, too," said Susan.

"Now, you think you are not a real man1 So, what in your mind is a real man!? A Pro Football player, a wrestler, a police officer or, maybe, a mountain climber! To me, a real man is one who is kind, gentle, who loves with all his heart and cares, really cares for those he loves! Now you tell me you don’t fit that description, and I’ll tell you ‘you are full of it" and I’m too much of a lady to say that word."

"But,..." sputtered Bill. "I do love Jan very much..."

"Look, Bill, quit already -- you’re ahead."

Nancy took a final sip of coffee, and said, "Bill, I do love this coffee. What brand is it?"

"It’s a mixture of several brands. I tried to get something that I liked and none of the brands suited me, so I tried mixing them and came up with this," Bill replied.

"Hmmm," said Nancy,. "sort of like life, isn’t it?"

"What do you mean," asked Jan.

"Well," Nancy started, "we try things out to see how they fit and fill out our lives. Me, I tried two husbands. We take to ourselves that which gives us pleasure; sometimes we mix this and that to obtain that which is most enjoyable."

"Oh, I get it. Sorta like perfumes. Lots of things mixed to produce the most pleasant fragrance," Susan stated.

"Right!" exclaimed Nancy. "So far as I know Bill is a healthy, heterosexual male who dresses in female clothes because he gains some measure of pleasure from it."

"You mean there’s nothing wrong with me?" Bill said. "But why do I like it?"

"Yeah, why," said Jan.

"You mean he enjoys putting on pantihose! He’s got to be sick," said Susan.

After the laughs died down, Nancy said, "well, maybe not with pantihose, but the rest--more than likely!"

"Okay, let me run this by you," Nancy started, stopped and sipped more coffee."Bill, when you go to work, dressed as a male, what do you wear? Tell me everything you put on!"

"Okay, on a typical work day: usually a dark brown suit with a striped tie..."

"Sorry to interrupt, please state the underwear you wear."

"Usually cotten boxers, blue or white, cotten T-shirt, dark brown suit with a striped tie, black shoes and socks. I use Old Spice for practically all my face. Tie pins and cuff links when necessary."

"What material are the socks?"

"Some man-made blends or cotton. I dunno."

"You have a secretary don’t you?"

"Yeah, Peggy."

"What did she wear the last time you saw her?"

"That’s a loaded question!"

"Sorry! Okay, what did Jan wear that you particularly liked. Or, better yet, what do you like to wear, Jan. All of it, please!"

"Wel, I have this peach-colored, satin bra-and-panty set, usually a black garter belt with nylons, suntan or taupe, pale lemon-color blouse with a light blue skirt. Sometimes I wear a blue or white nylon half-slip with a lace trim, just showing slightly! I usually wear a sleeveless jacket, blue to match skirt. Sometimes I’ll wear flats or two-inch pumps."

"Jewelry? Make-up? Perfume?"

"Sometimes a pearl necklace with matching earrings. Make-up--lipstick, you know, full warpaint. Perfume--Charlie, Chanel or something like that!"

Nancy sat for a minute letting it all sink in. Then, she said, "Well, Bill wears mostly cotton underwear, wears the same stuff on his face each day, and dresses in black, dark blue or brown clothes. I see a pattern here."

There was a moment of quiet, then Jan asked."what pattern?"

"Try this for size: Bill wears practically the same thing each day! Sort of numbing to the senses, dontcha think!"

"Oh! So?"

"Remember what I said about pleasure? Stimulating the senses is one of the ways humans obtain pleasure. A great meal, a good book, even a nice wine! So how much pleasure is there in wearing the same thing day after day!"

"I think I’m beginning to understand now. I’m not really weird or sick, am I?"

"Hell no! All you want is what everyone wants: a little stimulation in their life. Think of it this way: the bright colors perk up the eyes, the swish of nylons and the ‘clik’ of heels on a walk affect the ears, the sensual smell of perfume the nose, lipstick the taste and the touch of satin and lace against the skin! All this stimulation feels g-r-e-a-t and you feel a-l-i-v-e! Now who the hell doesn’t want feel alive!"

"But why do I feel so bad after I‘ve dressed," Bill said rather sadly.

"Well, for starters, you feel guilty. You’ve been trained to wear male apparel, and this feels wrong! Also, you are coming down from a very pleasant high. Those adrenaline thingies running thru your body are dying down! You had a high, and now it’s over!"

Jan interrupted her, "You mean it’s like being on dope. That once he’s hooked, he can’t stop!"

"Yes, a rather pleasant sensation that he wants time and again. Most TVs purge themselves of female garb many times, only to go back again. Considering the two, I think TVs have an advantage in that they don’t go out robbing people or killing someone just to get the price of a fix. They can just go to a closet, pick out something pretty and soft, put it on and there they are!"

Susan wanted to add to the conversation. "But, at least, he could have discussed this earlier with Jan!"

"Speaking of that. Jan, I saw you last week in shirt and slacks that looked rather mannish!"

"Guilty! I borrowed a pair of Bill’s to go to the mall."

"Did you ask Bill if you could take them?"

"Well, no, but, . . ."

"So, we have a double standard--you borrow Bill’s things and he can’t take yours!"

"Hey, she looked good in them. I’m not complaining!"

"Okay, so far I can safely say Bill is a man, a real man. You can wear male duds but he can’t wear female clothes--society frowns on that! The two of you love, with a capital L, each other. Bill doesn’t harm anyone with what he does! Look, marriage is a series of compromises, I’m sure you know that," Nancy said. She paused for a bit, waiting for them.

Jan spoke first, "I’m sorry about what I said! I said it without thinking first. I really do love you a lot! Oh God, this is hard, but I’m willing to try to understand you better."

"I think I need a tissue! Where’s my purse!"

Nancy looked around the room. There were two crying, and another about to start!

"Well, I think I can let you discuss this among yourselves! Bill, try to make Jan understand what you are, and maybe she can gain another girlfriend!"

"I’ll try!" replied Bill.

Jan sat for a minute, and stood pulling Bill to his feet. "Honey, I’ll try too!" She gave him a very long kiss and hug. A moment later, Susan made it a threesome!

 

Epilogue

It was three months later when Nancy spotted Jan, Susan and another, rather attractive, women!

"So, how’s it going?" Nancy asked.

"Hi, Nancy! Great! Want to join us?" Jan replied.

"Would you please introduce me to your new friend. I don’t believe we’ve ever met!"

Jan and Susan had rather large grins! "You’ve known her for a long time!"

"What? I could have sworn we never met! I would remember someone as attractive as you!"

Bill smiled, having fooled soneone he knows quite well! "Nancy," he said, "it’s me, Bill!"

"BILL! Oh my God, I’ve created a monster! You look too damn good, girl!"

"Jan, tell her the good news!"

"Nancy, I’m pregnant! And the doctors think it’s twins!"

"Well, that answers your question about whether you’re a man!"

Jan grinned and said, "You should see him in a peignoir! He looks so cute! We had been trying to have a baby, and now. . .the doctor thinks Bill is more relaxed when we have sexual relations. I don’t think I’ll tell him the real secret!"

"Well we girls are going to celebrate! And you, young lady, don’t go picking up any strange men! Who knows what trouble you can get into!"

Susan added, "or what trouble can get into you!"

 

Finiis--That’s all. folks!

Comments welcome! This is my first attempt at any writing, so be gentle with my fragile heart! Annie (aka Susan)

 

 


2001
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