This story is really somewhat autobiographical. The names of the innocent have been changed to protect them and all that. Come to think of it, so have the names of the guilty. In any case, it's a slightly fictionalized account of several of my "coming out" discussions with some friends and family. It's been a few years and that's the primary reason that it's fictionalized. Memory does get fuzzy in old age…

All the usual copyright and "viewing if you're legal" rules apply. Similarities to people living or dead are actually deliberate in this case, it is biographical to a large degree. However, I know all of these people and they know me, so if it resembles anyone else it is pure chance.

This story may be archived on any site that does not charge a fee for reading. How you format and split the file for archiving is up to you, I'm not that fussy about it. If you want it in a different format (e.g. RTF) than is presented on my site, just drop me an email and I'll see what I can do.

 

Conversations

by Joanne Foxcourt

© 2003

 

Shooting Pool

"Did you want to split with the rest of them or keep shooting pool?" I asked Sue as the whole gang prepared to wander off in search of a different bar.

"Let's hang here," she suggested. "I really don't feel like wandering around right now."

We waved the group off as I racked up the pool balls for another game of Boston. "Your break," I called over to Sue as she finished ordering us another couple of pints of beer. Sue and I had been friends for several years and had become very close. No, not that kind of close, just the closeness of friends who have very little secrets from each other.

Secrets. Well, there was one very big secret that I had that Sue didn't know about. In a sense, I felt guilty about that. I mean, we've told each other a lot of deep things, but this one always made me hesitate. As I watched Sue drop the eight ball, beating me yet again, I made up my mind.

"Hey, do you want to just sit and chat for a while?" I asked, trying to sound casual. Was that a quiver in my voice?

"Sure," Sue agreed as she waved for some more pints from the waitress and headed over to the nearest table.

"How's David doing?" I asked as I sat down across from her.

"Okay, I guess. For him. Which isn't good really."

I sighed.

"Yeah," Sue nodded in agreement. "It sucks. I wish I could help him."

"Me too."

"He likes you, you know," Sue mentioned casually.

"We've only met a couple of times."

"Yeah, but he thinks you have a good heart."

I smiled at that. "That's nice of him," I commented.

I fiddled with the beer in front of me and allowed my mind to twist on how to start the conversation that I both wanted and feared.

"Sue, can I tell you something? Something that nobody else knows?" I placed my hands on my lap, trying to hide their shaking. I felt a sudden, desperate, need for a cigarette. I repressed the need for a moment.

Sue looked at me for a moment. There must have been something in my voice or my face that got her to sit up straight and peer at me. "This sounds serious," she said.

Taking a deep breath, I quelled the shaking in my hands long enough to draw a cigarette from the pack and light it. The deep breath of smoke helped to calm me a little. "It is," I told her and took another drag on the cigarette.

Sue felt the cigarette moment and took one from her pack. "You can tell me anything honey, you know that," she reassured.

"It's kind of hard to explain," I began. "Have you ever heard the term 'transgender' before?"

Sue shook her head. "I don't think so."

"Well, it encompasses a lot, but it essentially means somebody who crosses gender lines. Somebody like me."

My hands started shaking again and I realized that I was holding a lung full of cigarette smoke in fear of her reaction.

"Are you gay?" she asked, her face showing no sign of disapproval. She grasped my hand encouragingly.

I almost laughed as I exhaled the smoke. "Oh, if only it were just that simple!" I shook my head.

"I don't get it," Sue confessed.

"I… Well, I don't want to be a guy. I want to be a girl."

Sue sat back in surprise, but didn't let go of my hand. I found that encouraging.

"I can't really explain it," I tried to explain. "It's like your brain says one thing and your body says 'get a grip, you ain't that' all at the same time. What my brains says is that I should be a girl, but my body didn't figure it out."

Sue gave me a reassuring smile and squeezed my hand. "Let me see if I understand this," she suggested. "You're a guy, but you don't think you should be one?"

I nodded.

"Are you sure that it isn't that you're gay and misinterpreting it? Being gay is okay. David's gay."

I shook my head. "I'm not attracted to men," I told her.

"I don't understand how that works," Sue admitted.

"Maybe David could explain it better," I suggested. David was beyond smart, scary smart.

Sue nodded and looked thoughtful.

"It doesn't matter," Sue told me. "I love you anyways. I'll ask David, I want to understand, but it won't make any difference."

The shaking stopped.

 

Car Chatter

It was fun to hang out with Denise and Bob. It had been a great night, watching the hockey game, getting our pictures taken with the trophy, and just generally shooting shit in the car there and back. Good friends are a treasure.

Denise and Bob had been friends for so long that it seemed like forever. The three of us had been friends for less time, but we were a close group. We went to college together, dominated the school council together, and basically moved to the city together. Bob and I were roommates and I was working hard at getting Denise into my company.

A pause in the conversation allowed me to gaze at the passing countryside from the front passenger window of Denise's car. Bob and I had to decide whether or not to renew the lease on our apartment. We were pretty lucky as far as roommates went. We liked the same music, same shows, same beer, you name it. We both had good jobs and paying the bills was a snap. Still, after my revelation to Sue a few weeks earlier, I was finally ready to break my cocoon and emerge with my new-found gender wings. Bob had to know.

"Can I tell you guys something?" I asked, still staring out the window. The shaking had begun anew.

"What's that?" Bob asked.

"It's kind of difficult to explain," I hedged.

"Difficult?" Denise asked.

"Yeah. It's about me. A very important and very difficult part of me," I told them.

"You've got me worried," Bob admitted.

"It's not medical. Well, not in the sense that it's life threatening anyways, so don't worry." I turned to face the interior of the car.

"Go ahead," Denise suggested. "We'll shut up until you get it out."

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. "Well, hmm… Where to begin?" I mused nervously. "Have either of you heard of Renée Richards?"

Denise and Bob shook their heads silently.

"Renée Richards was a professional tennis player. What makes her interesting is that she used to be a he. I'm somewhat like her and I don't mean playing tennis."

The silence in the car was almost deafening.

"I don't know why. When I look at women, I don't feel interest, I feel envy. It's impossible to explain better," I added to fill the void.

Bob cleared his throat. "Wow. That's heavy," he said.

"Don't worry, I don't expect you to understand. If you understood, I wouldn't have to explain. I don't think you can really understand unless you face it yourself."

"Yeah," Bob agreed. "How long?"

"As long as I can remember. It's like being an alien in your own skin. Sure, it's a shell that carries me around, but it's not my real shell," I told him.

"Are you going to have the, you know, the change?" Denise asked.

"Change? You mean surgery?"

Denise nodded.

"I don't know. I mean, I've only just started accepting that this isn't going to go away."

"Why now?" Bob asked.

"Maybe because I'm a little older, a little more mature. I've been doing some research on the Internet. I've been learning a bit more. It's still very hard to tell people. Only Sue knew before you guys."

"I'm not surprised," Bob commented with a grin. Bob was Sue's on again, off again, boyfriend. He knew that she and I were close.

"I wanted you to know," I said. "Our lease is coming up and I don't think I can bottle this up anymore. You had to know before you committed to the lease."

"Ahh…"

Later that night Bob signed the lease.

The shaking stopped.

 

Table Talk

I sat across from my sister, Jane, at the downtown restaurant. We didn't often go out to dinner because my sister lived out in the suburbs, but this was an unusual case. I invited her.

As usual, we chatted about the standard family things. You know, who's doing what, upcoming parties, that sort of stuff. Fluff. Dinner, though, was coming to an end and I had another purpose for this evening. Thinking about it began to give me the shakes. Again. Would I ever stop shaking with the telling of this?

"So, what else is new?" Jane asked.

I stared at her silently for a few minutes. This was harder than before. Friends, well, if they walk from you there isn't much that you can do and life will go on without them. Family? Well, that's a bit different. How do you avoid a family member without being totally cut off from the rest?

"Well, I do have something to tell you. It's kind of why I invited you out in the first place," I admitted.

"What's that?" she asked.

"It's hard to get out, so bear with me. I… How do I say this?"

"Just say it," she suggested.

"Yeah." I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves. "I'm transgendered," I blurted.

My sister gave me a puzzled look.

"It means, basically, that I think I should be a woman, not a man," I explained.

Now my sister looked surprised. After all, I had played hockey, had been in the Army, read girlie magazines, and did all of the other typical "guy" things.

"Why?" she asked, her face showing concern.

I shrugged. "I wish I knew. I've felt this way for a very long time. I've fought it for a very long time. It just is," I said.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"It's okay. I don't really get it, but it's okay," she said.

"I'm surprised you never noticed before. When we were growing up, I mean."

"I never would have guessed," she admitted.

"I was careful not to stretch your stuff out," I grinned.

"You're lucky!" She waved her finger at me.

We ordered dessert and coffee.

"So what are you going to do?" she asked.

"I don't know, I'm still sorting that out," I admitted.

"Are you going to have a sex change?"

"I don't know that either. I'm a realist, you know. The job market is hard on women, let alone women that used to be men. It's a hard path to take, and expensive one too. Especially if you have a hard time getting a job because of the process."

"Yeah, I guess it is. What about kids?"

"Not going to happen. I think people should just forget about expecting kids from me. Even if I don't have a sex change, it's just not likely."

"I guess. Well, you will have nieces and nephews to spoil."

"That's true," I smiled.

We sat, sipping our coffee, silently.

"You know, whatever happens I'll be there," Jane suddenly said.

The shaking stopped.

 

All Said and Done

The funny thing about telling people is that you never stop shaking while it happens. It does get easier, though. I suppose it helps when you've had success from the process. I've been lucky I think, but I've also picked who I have told carefully. I'll do that in the future too.

Maybe there will come a time when the shaking won't even start.

  

  

  

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