Can I Trust You         by: Rose

Part 2

"So Dr. Adams, that's where I am now. The family knows all of this, after what's happened how could they not?"

We sat there quietly for a moment as I looked at the floor between us.

"Dr. Adams I want to trust you, but it's not going to be easy. I keep thinking you are going to betray me too?" I thought for a moment before with a straight face and an even tone I answered myself, "It was only because Karen caught me with her pants down that she learned that part of my secrets."

Dr. Adams tried to stifle a giggle.

"It's ok to laugh, I use bad jokes when I'm nervous and I am nervous Dr. Adams, my parents are paying for you to help me but I have to trust that your my doctor and you will keep my secrets. I have stuff I haven't shared with anyone yet, some things I'm not sure about my self yet, I promise not to do anything stupid again but you have to understand that I'm not going to just open up right away. If you can give me some time I might have a story to tell."

"Brian, I will give you all the time you need but you have to remember to take a breath once in a while. Now to start can you tell me what it is that's making you feel nervous right now?" Dr. Adams asked.

"Well, its how the family is acting," I said.

"And how is that? I would say they are worried about you. Is there more I should know?" she asked.

"Its just Mom and Doug are acting like they're walking on egg shells. Karen's pretty cool about everything. The big thing is Dad, the look on his face when I left was like I killed his son."

"Well you did almost kill yourself."

"No! You don't understand" I interrupted, " Not me, HIS son. I know he loves me and that I'm still his child but the way he acted I know I'm not his son anymore. I'm not sure what I am, if I'm not his son and I don't know if I'm his daughter, then what am I?"

"You are his child and as you said yourself he still loves you."

Mom picked me up at Dr. Adams office and after exchanging greetings with the good doctor we left, no chit chat, no stepping into her office for a moment and especially no "Brian, please wait in the other room.", while we talk about you. My appointment was over and we left. After Mom asked me what I wanted for dinner and then we sat in silence.

I finally asked, "What's wrong, you are so quiet. Had I done something else wrong?"

"Oh, nothing" Mom said and it was quiet again. I hated when Mom was quiet, if I did something wrong I would rather she yell and be done with it. This time it wasn't one of her mad quiets, this was different and I was uneasy about it. It had been a week since we came back from Florida and things had been pretty busy getting my schooling taken care of, setting up appointments with Dr. Adams and Dr Green. Dr. Green is Mom’s and Karen's doctor. Dr. Adams said I should get a full physical. So I spent 3 hours getting blood drawn and pressed and poked in places I don't even touch, and would rather not think about.

We stopped for groceries and then went home to prepare dinner. Instead of letting me watching television Mom had me help her make the dinner. Since Karen was working at her after school job, Mom asked me to help. She explained how to mix the meat and seasonings for the meat loaf, I peeled and boiled potatoes for mashing and opened a can of green beans. When Karen and Doug came home dinner was ready and as we ate Karen asked how my appointment went. Mom told her not to pester me if I wanted to talk about it I could but no one will pry. I said it went ok and that I liked Dr. Adams.

"I just told her about me and what had been going on, I also told her about Barbara and why Its hard to trust people" I said.

Mom looked away while I was talking.

After dinner we loaded the dish washer and settled in to watch television. My favorite show was on, "The Man From Atlantis", I just love the ocean. At ten I said good night and went to get ready for bed. In the bathroom my soap was missing, in its place was a bar of dove instead of the ivory I always used. When I finished my shower I wrapped myself in a bathrobe and walked to my bedroom. When I reached under my pillow for my pajama's I found a nightgown and panty set. This must be why Mom is so quiet she didn't know how I would accept this. I loved it, she understands how I feel.

My old room was just like I remembered it, but I had just been here three months ago. The only addition was a teddy bear was sitting on my bed. I had asked for two years to have a teddy bear and finally got one when I was eight. I named him Sam because he had a red face, white body and blue arms and legs. I slept with him every night until I moved to Florida when he had been given away since I was now too old for teddy bears. While I was out today Mom had bought a new one to replace him. He would not be Sam but I welcomed him anyway.

I had been having nightmares since thanksgiving. Big ones where I jumped out of bed after being beat up and through to the rats. Small ones that just startled me with people laughing at me. I slept that night without nightmares, only dreams. The one I remembered I was walking on the beach collecting sea shells. Then I saw a red haired girl swimming near by waving to me. I swam out to her and she turned out to be a mermaid. Suddenly there was a glow and I was a MERMAID. We were swimming with dolphins and when we turned to kiss, I woke up.

After I got dressed Karen stopped me in the hallway.

"How did you like my surprise, I thought you would rather have the nightgown than your pajamas?" Karen asked.

"You got me the nightgown? I though Mom bought them?" I asked, "It's great, thank you." and I hugged her.

When I saw Mom she told me to sit at the table while she made me some eggs. We had to leave soon because it was my first day of school. Well not really, I wasn't going to a real school, my Aunt Jean was going to tutor me at her home until the new semester started. Let me explain first, Aunt Jean has been my moms best friend since they were children and she is a substitute teacher, so she agreed to teach me until we decide how I will go back to school.

Aunt Jean's children had already left for school when we arrived. So we all sat down to discuss how we were going to help me catch up with my studies. Today I was just going to be tested to see where I needed help. It was fortunate that Aunt Jean's son Clark and I are the same age so whatever he was studding in school so could I. It turned out we had our work cut out for us, I spoke well but putting ideas down on paper was difficult, my math skills were great for someone two years younger. I would need help catching up to my own grade level. We left before her children came home.

When we arrived home Karen was waiting with her duffle bag. Karen had been asked to go to a slumber party at Debbie's. Unfortunately Doug was working the night shift at the powerhouse and Mom had to work two night shifts for the time she took to go to Florida it get me. Without anyone to stay with me Karen could not go to her party, I felt bad for her but Karen didn't say much. I went to my room but I listened.

"Karen, I said you can't go out tonight," Mom said, "I will not have your brother alone right now."

"Mom, I promise he wont be alone, I'll take him with me."

"You’re going to take your little brother to a slumber party?" Mom asked.

"I already worked it out with Debbie." was Karen's answer.

Mom left shacking her head and went into her bedroom to change into her nurses uniform. I laid down on my bed to relax. I was a burden to my family. Karen had been the only person to understand me, even if she really didn't, she did try. What ever I could do for her I would. Mom knocked on my door before she came in to say good-bye. After Mom left Karen came in and sat beside me, stroking my head.

"What's wrong little bro?"

<sniff> "I didn't mean to spoil your party Karen."

"You’re not! We will go later on once you get ready-"

"We'll go? You want your brother going to Debbie's slumber party?"

"Well, I thought Brenda might like to go."

Karen had already drawn a bath for me, so I washed while she selected something appropriate for me to wear. The bath was warm and smelled nice with the bath crystals that Karen had added. When I was done, I put on my robe and went to Karen's room, she had some clothes laid out on the bed. I pulled on a panty girdle Karen had bought me, a pair of tights and the padded bra Debbie gave me. Karen had the yellow dress, the one I wore the first time I wore her clothes. With her help I put on my own make up, I still needed a lot of help but with her help I looked pretty.

We gathered our pillows and a change of clothes. I slipped Teddy in between the pillows. We grabbed our coats and drove over to Debbie's house. Karen had already bought snacks so that we didn't arrive empty handed. There were three cars in the driveway so we parked on the street. Debbie had invited five girls along with Karen and I, there were eight of us going to be there tonight. Debbie greeted us at the door with a warm hug.

"Brenda, how have you been? Karen told me about your troubles in Miami, I was so worried when I heard."

"I'm better now, and I want to thank you for that picture you took of Karen and I. It helped convince my parents of how I feel I am."

"Well, everyone is down in the family room so bring your stuff." said Debbie.

The family room was the finished basement of the house, It had a console tv, two couches, a pool table and a bar in the corner. The floor was covered in a thick red/brown shag carpet and the walls were dark paneling. The stereo was playing "Paradise by the Dashboard light" as everyone was getting comfortable. Debbie's mom was coming around the bar so she was the first one I was introduced to.

"Mom, you know Karen and this is Brenda. She's staying with Karen." Debbie introduced us.

I stuck my hand out to shake like I always had, but Debbie's Mom held it with both hands so I moved the other hand to join it The other girls stood up for introductions.

"Pleased to meet you Brenda." Debbie's Mom said, "Well, I hope you girls have a nice time, Debra your father and I will be back Sunday evening." and she walked back up the stairs.

"And this is Julie, Heather, Ashley, Wendy and Susan." Debbie finished.

Every one said hi and then asked the usual questions, how old I was, where did I live before and why did I leave there. Karen was quick to answer that one.

"There was some trouble in Miami and the parents thought it best for her to come up to visit for a while."

The conversation soon went back to their normal topics, clothes, boys, make-up and school. I just listened and enjoyed the company. When we tried to order a pizza I remembered the last time I had been at Debbie's and the way the delivery guy was looking at my legs. Unfortunately there would be a 45 minute wait for delivery or we could pick it up our selves in 15 minutes. As Karen and I had come last her car was the easiest to go get it. Debbie and Karen went to get it while the rest of us sat and talked.

Ashley pulled a bottle of "Boones Farm strawberry wine" from her bag and Heather had gotten some glasses and ice. They poured glasses for everyone including me. Now I had wine with dinner at the holidays, but that was bitter tasting wine my Grandfather brought. This was sweet and fruity so I drank it like soda. The girls were talking and not paying much attention to me so I kept refilling my glass. I hadn't thought about how long ago lunch had been and soon I was giggling my self silly.

"Hold on little girl, you are toasted" Wendy said pulling the glass from my hand.

"Hey! Tha'sss mine." I whined.

"Brenda! How much have you had?" Wendy asked.

I just giggled.

Ashley picked up the bottle and said, " Well, she finished off the bottle-"

Just then I did a dumb thing, as if getting drunk wasn't dumb enough. I stood up and tried to walk to the bathroom and passed out. Either the alcohol or standing up to quick or both or neither. I fell flat on my backside and was out cold. The girls fearing I had hurt myself checked me over and found out I was breathing, that I was not bleeding, oh yes also that I was a boy.

Well, they must have thought it would be pretty funny to change my outfit. They striped me down to panties and changed my make-up. The normal 1 1/2 inch heeled shoes I had been wearing were exchanged for 5 inch heels. My dress was gone and I was now wearing a tube top in bright pink and a black mini skirt. The lightly padded bra I was wearing was gone and Julie's strapless bra was on me and stuffed to overflowing. Instead of the subdued tones of make-up Karen had helped me put on, I now looked like I had more colors than a peacock. And to top it all off a tacky bleach blonde wig of Debbie's from some play she had been in was on my head.

Karen and Debbie came back just as I was coming around. The call that "pizza's here" woke me up more than anything, but my stomach let m know that alcohol and an empty stomach didn't mix. I tried to get to the bathroom and tripped in the high heels. Karen saw me as I was falling over and dropped the pizza boxes rushing to catch me.

"What happened!!" Karen yelled.

I squirmed and said, "Bathroom."

Karen helped me up and over to the bathroom before we had a mess to clean up. When we came out the girls were shame faced and apologizing. Debbie had told them about me and my suicide attempt.

"We’re sorry, we didn't know what you went through. We were just having a little fun." Wendy said.

"Fun! Do you think this is a joke?" Karen said in a cold tone.

Karen's friends and I knew that when she was mad and got quiet she was to be feared.

"Karen didn't you say that you all would experiment with new looks and styles? That's really all that they did, isn't it"? I asked.

Karen sighed visibly and nodded.

After getting some aspirin for my headache we all sat down to eat the pizza. Ashley pulled out another bottle of wine but I stuck with cola this time. After we finished the pizza Karen brought over a jar of cold cream and tissues.

"I can't stand you looking like a cheap tramp anymore." she said.

Julie came over with her purse and said, "Here, I think this color will look much better on you if you will let me?"

"Thank you, I would like that."

It was then that all of the girls adopted me like a little sister. While Julie helped me fix my face up, Wendy worked on my hair. Debbie and Ashley started looking through the closet for clothes. Heather and Karen were selecting albums for the stereo. I was soon dressed in a tan skirt and pail yellow blouse. The girls all took turns teaching me how to dance. They all helped me to loose my boyish mannerisms in walking, sitting and stuff.. They talked to me about dating, both, taking a girl out and going out as a girl. They talked about the dates they had gone on.

Around eleven or so we started getting ready for bed. When my turn came to use the bathroom Ashley handed me a emerald silk nighty to wear and said, "Brenda, I would like you to have this. I bought the wrong size and I think it would look great on you."

We hugged as I thanked her and I went to change. As I came out Johnny Carson was starting, I pulled Teddy out of the blankets and made myself comfortable on some cushions. We all laughed along with the show until I just drifted off to sleep.

I had dreams of dancing and dating where I was both, the guy and the girl. When I woke up I was confused. I hadn't even gone on a date with a girl and now I'm thinking in my dreams about dating guys. In my dreams I was dancing with a guy and even though I couldn't see his face and I was happy. Was I gay or maybe I really should have been a girl?

We all started waking up and getting dressed, after having breakfast Karen and I went home. Fortunately Karen wanted to hear the song on the radio and asked me to be quiet. That wasn't hard I had a lot to think about.

When we got home Mom and Doug were already home. Doug had gone to bed but Mom was up and doing laundry. Mom was shocked to see me dressed in Karen's dress but said nothing. Karen went to change to go to her job so I helped Mom fold clothes. We worked in quiet for awhile folding sheets and towels when we got to a basket of underwear. Mom flinched when I picked up a bra. With all I had on my mind I couldn't take it anymore.

"Mom, please talk to me, what did I do? Why are you mad at me?" I asked.

"I'm not mad at you honey." Mom said.

"Mom, please!" I cried a tear running down my chee,. "I need you to talk with me please."

"I don't want to say the wrong thing, I don't want to hurt you."

"I need you to give me guidance, to help me to find who I am, who else can I trust to teach me?"

"Trust, trust who you never trusted me, you talked to Karen and Debbie, you never talked to me. You tried to kill yourself twice and only then did you call me."

"Mom, I was just about to tell you when last summer but that night you told us all about the man in the emergency room who was wearing women's underwear. That was the day before I bought the pills. I wanted to talk to you so bad but I was afraid you would hate me."

"You are my child. I could never hate you. I love you as much now as I ever have, with all my heart."

We both fell into a hug and just held each other.

To be continued

 

© 2000 by Rose
The above work is copyrighted material. Anyone wishing to copy, archive, or re-post his story must contact the author for permission