Can I Trust You ?             by: Rose2

 

Its hard to say were a story begins, but I guess mine really began in the summer I turned 12. It was just another time I was mailed back to my Mother. Let me explain my parents divorced when I was four in the summer of 68. My sister Karen and I lived with our mother in New Jersey, while our father moved to Florida with his soon to be new wife. We lived a pretty normal life Mom found work and an rented half of a duplex house so we could move out of our Grandparents house. We lived a fairly normal life, Mom worked, Karen and I went to school. Karen is five years older than I am so I pestered her, looked to her for protection and envied her additional privileges like any little brother. I had trouble getting along with the other children. I was small and lacked coordination. So I tagged along with Karen and her friends. Karen would sometimes complain that she had wanted a little sister and not a BROTHER.

Years passed and I just never fit in, being small and uncoordinated the other boys my age did not want me to play in sports with them and I was slow learning to read, so books were a form of torture. My only two escape’s were the television and that I had a vivid imagination. I could sit in my room, close my eye’s and I could go and be other people. Being a day dreamer is addicting when the world gets too tough you just sit back and leave, this caused quite a bit of trouble in school. I was labeled slow, difficult and more. I was the problem child, the stubborn child, the disruptive child. The other boys knew they could provoke me and get away with it because "Brian can’t control himself". We tried the Cub Scouts and Little League but that didn’t work because the boys I could not get along with at school were the same ones that did not want me in scouts with them and in Little league I was hopeless. By the time I was eight my Mother had remarried. Doug was a good man but he was older with no children of his own, so he had little time for a small boy. When I was ten, because of MY behavioral problems it was decided for me that I should live with my Father and his wife. In a tearful good-bye my Mother put me on a plane for Florida.

"If you ever want to move back to New Jersey you just give me a call and you can come right back" Mom said

I was never athletic or particularly muscular, but my Father felt other wise. One incident in particular when he had taken me fishing one night and I was afraid to pick up and bait my hook with a live shrimp. I had never held a live shrimp and was frightened by the clicks they made when they moved, for over an hour he demanded that I not be a sissy and pick up the shrimp. It wasn’t until my uncle picked the shrimp up to show it couldn’t hurt me that we could get back to fishing. Although my father did love me he would criticize me when I failed to meet his standards of what a boy should be. My step-mother felt I needed refinement. I had hours of table manner lessons, I was dressed up in fancy clothes for school and added to the fact that I could not throw a football to save my life proved to my classmates that I must be a queer.

At this time after school let out for summer I would be taken to the airport and put on a plane with a ticket and mailed from one parent to the other. My mother now freed from raising a young boy was able to go back to school and become a nurse. Karen’s life had moved on as well and I could not tag along now as she was dating and I had never made any real friends before I moved so I would spend long hours alone during the summer. A bored 12 year old can be a dangerous thing, I still don’t know why I went in to look through Karen’s things but I did. They were so different than my own cloths, boy’s wore pants and shirts period. Karen had lots of pretty cloths. The underwear drawer held so much more than underpants and socks. They felt nice and were in so many colors not just white like mine. I don’t even remember changing cloths, my heart was beating so hard I could feel it through the bra and socks I had stuffed them with. I slipped on a yellow dress I found lying on the floor and went back out to watch t.v. it wasn’t as boring now for some reason. When I heard a car pull up I threw off the dress and hurried to my room, grabbed pajama’s and ducted into the bathroom I took the socks from the bra cups and pulled my pajama’s on as my mother was calling me, I flushed the toilet and stepped out. I wished Mom goodnight and went to bed hoping they didn’t see anything different about me. Lying in bed I felt so confused , Why had I put on my sister’s clothes. Were the boys at school right about me? This went on for two weeks I would change after every one left for the day and spend my time as a girl and for once I was happy. I started taking long walks in the woods near by thinking about what I was doing. I desperately needed someone to talk to I was about to confide in Karen or my mother when at dinner Mom told us about her nurses training "Today at the hospital an ambulance brought in a victim from a car accident he wasn’t hurt too bad but when we removed his cloths for the Dr. to examine him, the FREAK was wearing women’s underwear, panties ,a garter belt and stockings" Mom said. Everyone started laughing, I tried to loose the shocked look on my face and forced a laugh glad I had waited to tell Mom about myself, now she wouldn’t know what a sicko I was.

What was I going to do? I couldn’t talk to Mom now, I couldn’t talk to anyone. Who would understand, who would even care? I always thought the other boys who picked on me at school were wrong about me but it must have been me that was wrong. I was a weak little fruit. I slept poorly that night and my dreams had a darker edge to them, I was being lead through the woods by some people that I thought I should know but I could not see their faces, I didn’t want to be with them It felt wrong to be there but I could not slip away, we walked into a clearing when suddenly one of them pulled out a knife and plunged it into my stomach I awoke sitting bolt upright clutching my abdomen. I decided what I had to do. I just had to figure out how. I don’t want to hurt so that leaves out cutting my wrists. I got out my sister’s bike and rode five miles to a store we never shopped at and bought a bottle of sleeping pills. After getting home I poured a hand full out and started swallowing them. I was so worked up my stomach couldn’t handle it and I vomited them. I was so ashamed at what I tried to do I spent the day crying in my room.

It was two days later that I dressed in Karen’s cloths again by this time I had made breast’s out of tissue paper , tape and rubber bands. I started out wearing her black bra and panty set and a pair of her panty hose a denim skirt from the back of the closet and a white blouse. I was lounging on the couch flipping channels when I heard a car pull up in the driveway. No one was supposed to be home so soon. I had left things out in Karen’s room I had to hide, I ran to her room when the front door opened, I pulled off the blouse and skirt. I panicked She was coming don the hall I dove under the bed and was half under when the door opened. She was as shocked as I was scared, when she pulled me out she just stared at me till she noticed I was crying, I felt myself wrapped in a hug, Karen telling me "its all right calm down" and then Karen held me at arms length and said "You sure are filled out for such a young girl" and then everything went black........

When I came back to the land of the living Karen was still holding me. She had taken one of my "breasts" out of the bra and was looking at it "so how long has this been going on" Karen asked?

"I just was fooling around "I lied badly.

"This" she said holding up my tissue paper "breast" "does not look like fooling around "

"a month and a half " I said fresh tears starting up.

"a month and a half" Debbie said with surprise, I jumped cause I never saw her come in. Karen shushed her and held me tight.

"please don’t tell any one, I’d die if anyone else found out" I said omitting the stupid attempt I made two days ago.

"do you want to be a girl"? Debbie said.

"NO" I shouted quickly, then said "I, I don’t know"

"do you want to be me"? Karen added, a soft sad tone to her voice.

"no, I just don’t want to be me anymore, you go places , you have friends I don’t" I started to cry again and Karen hugged me until I stopped trembling.

"Well lets go someplace tonight" Karen said removing the bra "but you need to get dressed"

Karen slid me off her lap and walked to her dresser in the bottom drawer she reached in and pulled out her old padded training bra and handed it to me.

"you are to young to be that big on top Brian .....," Karen paused a moment "no Brenda, I think that fits you better" I jumped up and hugged her.

Karen and Debbie started pulling clothes from the dresser assembling an outfit for me, just shorts and a T shirt, I was told to strip off the panty hose. My naturally curly dark brown hair was cut in a long unisex style and brush out better in a feminine style than it ever did in a masculine style almost like my hair knew something I didn’t. A little blush some lipstick and we were ready to go "I just need to leave Mom a note that we are going out" Karen said.

"Lets go to my house first my parents are gone for the weekend so you can talk there" Debbie said

We left in Karen’s green and rusty Buick, I still felt scared not knowing what I was going to say. We were quiet as Karen drove with me sitting between her and Debbie in the front seat. Debbie finally spoke up "Do you just wear girls underwear or do you dress all the way" ?

"I was wearing the bluejean skirt and a white shirt when I heard you pull up" I said

"Well you do talk like a boy, its a denim skirt and a blouse, but I bet you looked cute in it.

When we pulled up at Debbie’s we realized that we were all hungry so we decided to order a pizza.

Karen was relaxing after her shock of finding me in her cloth’s so she went to freshen up, while Karen was in the bathroom Debbie took me to her room and sat me down at her vanity and started working on my face. "You need a little more color, close your eyes, how did you get those long eyelashes I would love to have them" and started working on my eyelids and then my cheeks, then she stuffed some tissues in my bra to puff up my front "that looks much better"

I opened my eyes at the same time that Karen entered the room, and she said "Oh my God, what have you done"

"she is some looker your little sister" Debbie said smiling. I had to admit to myself I was very pretty, much better than when I tried to put on makeup. "all I did was add color the rest was there to begin with".

"I’m not really ugly"? Its amazing how others can brainwash you into thinking things, I had been told how stupid or how ugly I was so many times by my classmates that I had come to believe that no one would ever find me attractive.

"No, God your beautiful" Karen said

Debbie started digging in her closet and pulled out a denim skirt and red and white blouse "here put this on, have you ever tried heels" I nodded "well lets see try these" she said handing me a pair of sandals with heels.

"Those are three inch heals you want him to break his legs" Karen complained, but while they were talking I fastened them on my feet and stood up.

"I can walk in them but I have to take real little steps see" I said as I took a few shaky steps

Karen and Debbie looked at me in surprise. "You look a little tense but not bad, try pointing your toes more".

Just then the door bell rang, I went stiff with fright and Debbie went to answer it, "its the pizza" she called back to us and we came out of the bedroom, she was still paying for the pizza and the delivery guy started staring at us I blushed and he smiled at me which made me blush harder. Karen noticed and led me into the kitchen.

"What was that all about" Karen asked.

"He was starring at me" I said.

"Well, you are cute and you do have great legs" She said.

I was embarrassed I wasn’t interested in guys but I did like the way he looked at me. I guess I should have expected it when they said I was pretty. We sat down in the living room to eat. I confessed how I started wearing Karen’s clothes and what I had worn. I told them how when I was alone I felt more comfortable in her clothes. Debbie picked up a camera and snapped off a few pictures of me and Karen. We decided to go out so we drove across town and saw the new movie "Star Wars". When we came back to Debbie’s I changed back into clothes Mom could see me in and we went home.

Mom had already started packing my clothes for my return to Dad in Florida. Summer was ending . Junior high was on the horizon a new school , new challenges and new bullies as you can guess I could hardly wait, Ha! It was a boring flight back to Miami interrupted only by the meal Something they said was once chicken, I guess plastic green beans, jell and some of a near flat can of soda. Dad and Gina, my step-mother were waiting for me at the gate when the plane landed. We shared the news of how we each spent the summer. It was dark by the time we pulled up to the house but Dad had seen something next door in the bushes.

" Brian, go into my bedroom and get my 38 from under the mattress by my pillow and bring it here" Dad said as he carefully watched the bushes. He had told me about the robbery that had happened last week, down the block, on the way home.
I went in and found the gun between the mattress and box spring .

I didn’t know Dad had one of these, this could come in handy * I thought.

I brought the gun to Dad and he shined the high beams on the bushes. Two men in dark clothes jumped from the bushes and ran for the car parked across the street. Dad pulled out after them squealing tires. Gina and I went into the house to call the police. Dad came home 5 min later with the license number and we carried my suit cases in. The police came and wrote out a report. I had already been told not to say anything about Dad’s gun. It was late by the time the police left so I was told to get ready for bed. School was starting the next day.

Dad drove me to school. I went to give Dad a hug and a kiss as I normally would but he stopped me. "Other people might misunderstand" he told me. I walked in confused, I was just over dressed, everyone else wore jeans and T-shirts, I had to wear a button down shirt with a race track design and dress pants. I was dressed better than some teachers. It was just a tiring day. Not everyone was new I ran into the some of the same people that made Sixth grade hell and they now each had others they told how I was easy to pick on. I spent the day trying to avoid trouble, finding classrooms, meeting new teachers and trying to eat the lunch in the cafeteria. Physical education was not fun either, I didn’t like changing in front of the other guy’s. As soon as I got home I started exploring in my step-mothers dresser after finding panties and a bra I cleaned up and changed picked out a simple yellow sun dress. The day started to melt away. I had two hours before anyone would come home so I had time to relax.

My days settled into a pattern after that. At school I tried to avoid trouble but I would somehow find it. My clothes still made me stand out and I would react to teasing. Guys were trying to impress the girls and pushing around a wimp was always good for a laugh. I had a big mouth and could never learn to keep it shut. I was still awkward and clumsy so Phys Ed was always the perfect end to a lousy day. After being picked last again we were playing football. The team I was on lost so I got the blame of course, then we were sent in to showers. Naked and unprotected I was knocked to the floor, a towel thrown over my face and several feet kicking me in the stomach. When I could stand I limped straight to the coach tears running down my face.

"Coach Gray" I called standing naked in the middle of the locker room water dripping off me.

He threw a towel at me "cover yourself up boy" he said with contempt.

"Coach, they beat me in the shower" I cried.

"Who beat you" he asked

"I didn’t see them when I walked into the shower, someone knocked me down and started kicking me in the stomach" I said holding my stomach and rubbing my shoulder where I had fallen.

"Okay who beat up Ryan here" he called without much concern.

"My name is Brian" I said seeing where this was going, and that was nowhere.

"I saw him slip in the shower, no one was even near him" a voice in the crowd called out.

"just be careful and get ready for your next class" Coach Gray said.

"that’s it, your not going to do anything"? I was shocked.

"This isn’t Kindergarten, I’m not gonna wipe your nose when you fall down, grow up, be a MAN" He said walking away.

After he went back in his office the laughing started. I dressed and went to my last class. As I got my bike from the rack and started home I knew something was not right. About halfway home two guys from my phys ed class jumped out of the bushes and knocked me down. Suddenly there were four guys circling around me but this time I wasn’t naked and unarmed. I jumped to my feet and pulled my bike lock and chain from my shoulder, it was four feet of heavy chain with a sturdy padlock on one end I was swinging it at their heads hoping to pay them back for the locker room. They finally backed off and I got on my bike and raced home. I didn’t get the chance to dress that day because Dad was home early. I explained what happened and Dad was proud I stood up to four boys alone. That night when we sat down to dinner the phone rang, it was the my Principle, I was being suspended for attacking four boys on the way home from school. The reason they backed off was because one of them saw his Mom driving up. They said I attacked them. My Dad said I would be in school the next day and he would talk to the principle then.

The meeting in the principle’s office was short. After hearing from the five of us it was decided that I would not be suspended. Instead I would see a councilor after school to deal with MY violent behavior. That took care of things from the schools point of view and for me I just stopped showering after Phys ed .

The councilor I had to visit was nice. Barbara was pretty and easy to talk to. She promised that everything we said would be between her and I. We had been meeting for three weeks by Halloween and I was really starting to open up to her, I told her things I told no one else. I was telling Barbara how I thought women were more complete than men.

"what do you mean by that"? she asked

"Last weekend I saw the movie "One on One" it’s about a college basketball player who is about to loose his scholarship, his tutor who becomes his girlfriend takes him in and gives him the support he needed to make it. The girlfriend was fine with out him, but he was lost until he found her" I said

We talked for the rest of the hour like that. The rest of the week went pretty much the same as usual. When I showed up for my next appointment with Barbara I was happy to see her. We talked a little more about last week and the movie. As I left with Dad I started thinking I could tell her about my dressing in Karen and my Step-mothers clothes. Just then Dad started asking me questions he shouldn’t know about.

"So how come you think women have it easier than men"? he asked

"I don’t think that they have it easier, Its just without a woman a guy doesn’t seem complete" I made up quick . I didn’t want to share my thoughts just then because it hit me Barbara lied to me. She was the only person I ever told these things to. Dad could not have known unless Barbara told my secrets. Just one more person I can not trust so I’m back to being alone again.

The next few sessions really put my imagination to the test. I made up story after story to tell Barbara. I would not trust her with anything about me. In my mind I felt like I was drowning, I had felt Barbara was someone I could trust with my feelings and she had betrayed my trust.

My free time was still used to dress and relax, sometimes I would just wear Gina’s underwear. I used socks to fill the bra cups now I didn’t want to leave any other evidence if I could help it. Sometimes I would get fully dressed dress or skirt and blouse, I was doing much better in heels now with all the practice I was getting and I planned ahead for my quick change so I would not be caught off guard again.

And if that wasn’t enough trouble in my life my school thought its students needed some social interaction so they planned a dance for the Friday during the Thanksgiving holiday. So it was decided for me that I should attend. Gina fussed over getting me ready and dressed me in my brown three piece Sunday go to church suit and driven down to the school to spend the evening with my classmates in a social setting. I would rather do homework and I hate homework. The evening started out not too bad I drank some punch, I ate some cookies and I was even talking to some nice girls I thought. Then around 9 o’clock one of the girls slipped me a note it read. "Brian, Meet me in the hall by the rest rooms. "and was signed Heather. Oh Heather blond, blue eyes and she really had breasts and wasn’t afraid to show them. I wasn’t thinking if I had been I never would have slipped out to the hall but I did and then it happened when I stepped over by the boys room the door opened and a bucket flew out and dumped all over me. I knew immediately that it was not water in the bucket, my face and hair were drenched with urine and it ran down into my shirt and jacket. I was blinded for a minute and never saw who got me when I could see again it was the laughter from the cafeteria that brought home what an idiot I was. While one chaperone called my parents another of the chaperones brought me to the office after helping rinse off the urine. My parents were at the school in a few minutes Dad yelling "what kind of school are you people running" and Gina looking at the shape of my clothes after calming a little they brought me home and put me in the shower.

I went to bed after a talk with Dad he wanted to know how I got myself into that situation. I tossed and turned for awhile and finally went into a restless sleep. I was running but I could not get away from the HUGE rat that was chasing me it had to be as big as a small dog. I picked up a shovel I found and hit the rat, it stumbled to the ground but shook off the blow. I gripped the shovel like a spear and stabbed the rat in the back by its head and chopped off its head and I thought it was over but suddenly I was overwhelmed by thousands of rats, and I sat bolt upright in bed drenched in sweat. I could not sleep again for fear of the nightmare coming back I laid awake in bed all Saturday night and Sunday night to afraid to sleep and on Monday I had to face the school again. After the first two classes of name calling and laughter I could not take it anymore and ran home. I had had it, this all had to end, I went to Dad and Gina’s bedroom and reached under the mattress by Dad’s pillow and there it was, his 38 revolver. I pulled it from the holster and just held it in my hand, I placed the barrel against my right temple and started pulling the trigger and sneezed. The gun went off and it shattered the mirror on Gina’s dresser I threw the gun on the bed and started to cry. There was only one thing I could think of doing and that was to call my Mom.

"Hello" Mom’s voice was so beautiful.

"Mom" I sobbed into the phone "I really need you now, I can’t take it here anymore"

"What’s going on, what’s wrong, why aren’t you in school" Mom asked despair in her voice.

"I left school I picked up Dads gun, I really need you now " I started crying again

Mom finally calmed me down and told me she would be there to get me tonight and not to do anything until she arrived. I left after hanging up the phone I didn’t have my bike because it was at the school so I walked the ten blocks to the Mall. I stayed away until 7 pm. when I called home. Dad answered and when he heard my voice he yelled "where are you". I said that I would be home after I found out Mom and Doug and Karen had arrived. I went to the front of the Mall where the Taxi stand was and asked one to take me home. Karen was out of the house before the taxi came to a full stop, Dad was right behind her. I stepped from the taxi into a warm hug, like a blanket on a cold day. Dad reached for me but Karen kept between us protecting me. His "what was on your mind BOY" was all it took for the tears to start again.

Karen half walked half carried me into the house wear a second pair of arms squeezed me tight. Mom held me like I would disappear if she let go. Once I was seated on the couch I started to tell everybody what had happened for the last four days the dance, the nightmares, the sleepless nights and the teasing today. I could not take it anymore I broke down and cried some more.

"Why didn’t you talk about these problems with Barbara that’s what we’ve been paying her for ?" Gina asked.

"You mean your paid informant, was anything I said to her ever kept private ?" I lashed out.

The parents started yelling at each other, like divorced people will do. Blaming each other, bringing up old issues that did not belong to this issue. Mom lashed out saying that "Brian never tried to kill himself when he lived with me". I had finally reached my last nerve and snapped. I screamed "that’s enough" Taking a deep breath I said "I asked for you to be here so I could be honest with all of you and myself for once". I started telling everyone about last summer and then the sleeping pills. Karen’s holding me was the only thing keeping me from falling apart. I knew they were shocked because Gina did not interrupt once. Karen relaxed her grip on me for a moment to pick up her purse and she withdrew a photograph. When she showed it to me, I buried my face in her shoulder hugging her. It was her and I last summer when she had caught me Debbie had taken a picture of us and Karen had kept it with her. Karen passed the photo to Mom who shared it with the rest of the family. I had finally reached the point of exhaustion and slumped in Karen’s arms asleep. Karen laid my head in her lap while the adults went into the den to talk.

I awoke first the next morning and quietly so as not to wake up Karen, who was sleeping on the other half of the l shaped couch and went to the Kitchen for something to eat. With my head stuck in the fridge I heard Dad behind me "why don’t you sit at the table and I’ll fix you some eggs"

"Thanks I am still a little shaky from last night, What happened after I feel asleep?" I asked.

"Your Mother and I and Gina and Doug had a long talk, Karen stuck her nose into it once she could crawl out from under you" he said.

"Where are Mom and Doug this morning?"

"Sleeping in your bed, I hope you have clean sheets on it"

Just then Karen joined us. "You still snore like a buzz saw Brian", she complained jokingly. "Can I have some eggs too" and Dad cracked two more eggs. It was very quiet for awhile then I asked "so what happens now, what are you going to do to me?"

"Were not going to do anything to you, were going to try to help you, what ever that means" Mom said as she came into the room. I suddenly struck me that this was the first time in nine years that my family was together in the same room, let alone the same state. Doug and then Gina came into the kitchen and and it started to get crowded so Karen and I put our plates in the sink to make room at the table. Dad scrambled the last of the eggs and I made some toast, Karen made coffee and then it was time to make decisions. I was moving back up to New Jersey to be with Mom, Doug and Karen, everyone felt that a fresh start would be for the best. Mom knew some good councilors from her rotation in the Psych ward at the hospital and I would soon be seeing one. Karen said she would help me get a wardrobe of my own if I promised to stay out of her closet. Dad and Doug both looked like they swallowed a toad, but I guess that we had only been a sneeze away from my funeral kept them quiet.

***************

"So Dr. Adams, that’s where I am now. The family knows all of this, after what’s happened how could they not?"

We sat there quietly for a moment as I looked at the floor between us. "Dr. Adams I want to trust you, but its not going to be easy. I keep thinking are you going to betray me too?" I thought for a moment before with a straight face and an even tone I answered, "It was only because Karen caught me with her pants down that she learned that part of my secrets." Dr. Adams tried to stifle a giggle. "It’s ok to laugh, I use bad jokes when I’m when I’m nervous, and I am nervous Dr. Adams, my parents are paying for you to help me but I have to trust that your my doctor and you will keep my secrets. I have stuff I haven’t shared with anyone yet some things I’m not sure about myself yet, I promise not to do anything stupid again but you have to understand I’m not going to just open up right away. If you can give me some time I might have a story to tell"

© 2000
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