Camp Shoni

by Pamela

pamelapamela@hotmail.com

 

Chapter 7

Monday morning when Lorin met up with Kenny on his way to school, he could sense that something was different between them, and it did not take long until Kenny blurted out sarcastically, "thanks a lot Lorin!"

"Thanks for what?" Lorin said having a pretty good idea what Kenny was mad about.

"You know damn well. Some friend you are. You go sneaking off to Penny's party without letting me in on it."

"What could I do? It was Penny's party!"

"You could tell her to invite me. You would have if you were my friend."

"I am your friend. It's just, just..." Lorin did not know what to say. It was true he felt guilty about Kenny not being invited, but he also could not see how he had the right to ask Penny to invite him.

"Some friend," Kenny said and he started walking faster so Lorin had to run to keep up. "You don't have to walk with me," Kenny said.

"Kenny!" Lorin shouted, "I was afraid to ask her!" But it was to no avail. Kenny was mad and he kept walking at a ridiculous pace and Lorin finally slowed down and let him go.

It might take a little time, Lorin thought, but he knew Kenny well enough to know that after he calmed down, they would become buddies again. At least he hoped so.

 

Lorin got his first glimpse of Penny since the party at the beginning of Mr. Oster's class. She turned around to greet him when he came in. "I'm glad you could come to the party," she said.

Lorin said, "I had such a wonderful time."

"Me too," Penny said.

After class Penny said, "do you want to have lunch?"

"I do," Lorin said, "but..." He stopped suddenly, afraid to tell Penny that he normally ate with Kenny.

"But?"

"Oh, nothing. I'd love to have lunch with you."

"I don't think you're telling me everything," Penny said looking at Lorin inquisitively.

"I'm sorry. It's just that I normally eat with Kenny."

"He can eat with us too. There's usually room."

"That's great, but..."

"Not another but, Lorin?"

"We had sort of a fight this morning."

"What about?"

"It's a misunderstanding. I need to straighten it out with him. I'm embarrassed to tell you."

Penny looked at him with a slight annoyance in her face and he quickly added, "but I'm going to anyway. You see, somehow Kenny heard about your party and that I was there. So he's mad at me for not getting him invited."

"I don't really know Kenny that well."

"I know. I know. It's OK. It's just that we're friends. It's not logical. He'll get over it."

Janice joined them and Lorin couldn't help but notice her smiling as if she had just heard something funny. It was about him, he was sure. "Hi" Lorin said.

"Hey Lorin," Janice said.

Lorin smiled at her and Janice let out a soft laugh.

"What's the joke?" he said.

"You're cute Lorin," Janice said and Penny laughed.

Lorin blushed and to Penny he said, "I'll go look for Kenny."

"Bye," Penny said.

 

Lorin found Kenny sitting far away from their usual table with some guys that Lorin barely knew.

"What do you want?" Kenny said.

"Kenny. Cut it out. You can eat with me and Penny." Lorin could see Kenny's eyes widen in surprise.

"Bull shit," Kenny said.

"It's no BS. Penny said you are welcome to eat with us." Lorin could see that Kenny was rattled, maybe even scared.

"Maybe tomorrow. I'm already sitting here."

Anxious to join up with Penny, Lorin said, "suit yourself. Don't say I didn't ask." He turned and walked over to the corner of the cafeteria where Penny was. As he approached he saw that a seat had been saved for him next to her and that he would be the only boy among seven girls. Boys usually sat with boys and girls with girls. He wished that Kenny had come with him. He felt overwhelmed by the boldness of his sitting among so many girls. He felt like the whole cafeteria was watching him as he sat down next to Penny and by so doing announce to everyone that he was her boy friend.

"Where's Kenny?" Penny asked.

"He said he'll come tomorrow. Right now he's with some guys."

Lorin knew all the girls at the table. Most of them had been at the party and were in his classes.

"Isn't it brave of Lorin to come sit with the girls," Janice said.

"Why is it brave?" Lorin asked.

"Most guys think they would turn into a girl if they sat with us - like being a girl is a disease."

"I don't think that," Lorin said. "I think being a girl must be a wonderful thing."

The girls stopped what they were doing and looked at him. The sudden attention alarmed him. He saw Penny looking at him also. "It's just that boys are no better than girls. That's all I meant. There's no way to assume one person is better than another."

"But most boys think girls are silly," Laura said. She was a tall girl that Lorin knew from math class.

"That's just because they base their judgment on things boys care about. If boys were judged by things that girls cared about then boys would look silly."

Lorin worried that he wasn't being manly enough by saying this.

"What do girls care about?" Penny said.

"Boys," Janice and Marilyn said at the exact same moment and the girls laughed. Marilyn was also in Lorin's English class.

"Janice!" Penny said and to Lorin she continued, "I want to know what you think girls want, that makes them different than boys."

Lorin strained his mind to come up with an answer. He realized that he had no clue what to say. He was definitely on the other side of the great divide. How could he know what girls wanted? But he had to know. He had to want the same things as girls if he was to fit in at Camp Shoni. Suddenly he said, "girls want to be pretty."

"Boys don't want to be pretty?" Janice said and laughed.

"I mean, don't girls care more about looking nice than guys?" Lorin asked.

"Only because society makes them." Janice said.

"Yeah, its cause of guys that we end up putting on make up and looking for clothes all the time," Marilyn said.

"I think it's more than that," Penny said. "I like just feeling good about myself, and being neat and clean is part of that."

Lorin thought of her coming out of the bathroom after her shower and having done her hair. She had been smiling and looked beautiful and neat like a brand new dollar bill. Crisp.

"Would you like Penny if she was covered with mud?" Janice asked Lorin, taking him from his reverie.

Lorin blushed at the public recognition of his status with Penny. "Sure," he said.

"Say she had ripped up clothes and she was a homeless person," Laura added.

"It wouldn't matter. Her inner beauty would shine through," Lorin said and he turned beet red when he saw Penny smiling at him.

"What a great answer," Penny said. "What else do girls want differently than guys? This is really interesting."

"I think that girls want harmony more than boys, they're less likely to fight over something."

"I wish that were true," Penny said, "but girls just fight differently. They do it with words, with snubs with little things that add up to be a big thing. Aren't I right?"

The other girls chimed in with agreement. "It's nice that boys just fight it out with their fists and get done with it," Laura said. "Girls are so back stabbing."

Lorin wanted to protest. He couldn't image that girls weren't anything but warm and understanding with each other. "Fist fights are not fun," Lorin said, remembering the time he had gotten into a fight with his classmate Steve. He had been scared of Steve for the longest time and when finally Steve had provoked him into a fight, he had found out that they had the same strength and the fight had been declared a draw. After that time Steve never picked on him again.

"You haven't said the most important thing," Janice said with a smirk. "Girls, most girls, want babies."

"Boys want babies too," Lorin said.

"Do you want to have a baby?" Janice asked him.

Lorin glanced at Penny hoping for a sign as to how he ought to answer the question. He didn't see any and he said, "sure, one day I would. Who wouldn't want one?"

He once had had a day dream about being a new mother. He had breasts that had swelled up to the size of Dolly Parton's and while he lay in a comfortable chair wearing a pretty robe, he had been holding a little baby and watching as it sucked on his breast.

"Let Lorin eat," Penny said and under the table Lorin felt her leg barely touch his.

He wondered if it was a signal: permission for him to push back against her leg. Everything about Penny was turning out to be a dream come true. But as much as he wanted to be happy about their relationship, he could not shake off the feeling that he was betraying her. In a few weeks he would be a bunny at camp Shoni and no doubt Penny would be shell shocked if she knew about it.

While Lorin took out his bag lunch, the girls talked about the party: the different guys they had danced with or met. Lorin gradually felt more comfortable and he looked around at the girls one by one noting what they were wearing and how they did up there hair. Janice and Marilyn began talking about their summer plans and it wasn't long until Penny asked Lorin what he was doing for the summer.

"I'm going away to camp," Lorin said and saw disappointment in her face. "I've been going there every summer for years, since I was a little kid."

"I'll be around part of the summer and then my family is going to the beach for a few weeks," she said.

"I guess we can write," Lorin said and then realized that his mail would be going to Camp Dan where they wouldn't know who he was. His parents would write and he'd never get their letters. The same with Penny and Kenny if they were still friends. It was even more complicated than that. His name would be recognized at Camp Dan and a whole bunch of mail coming for him there would be bound to raise suspicion. If they connected the dots and realized that there was a Lauren Baxter at Camp Shoni, then kaboom, the jig would be up.

Lorin felt Penny's leg press against his even stronger and it was clear that it was something she was doing on purpose. He looked at her eyes and she looked at him. Her eyes had a warmth, even a twinkle about them. She was very pretty and his heart throbbed in his chest and he knew that maybe he was moving past the infatuation phase and heading toward real love for her. How could he not be in love with her?

 

That evening Lorin received an instant message alert from Eileen, one of the girls who would be in his cabin at Camp Shoni, and in short order he found himself on line with several of the girls from the camp. At first Lorin responded cautiously, afraid that he would not appear to be sufficiently girlish, but after awhile he felt more comfortable and found himself eagerly exchanging messages. He told the other girls that he was new to the camp, though he had had a "friend" who had gone to camp Dan for many years. Most of the other girls were long time campers and they had a lot to say about the boys of camp Dan. Joan had been there last summer and related how the younger boys had been popping balloons put up for decoration at the cotillion. She said that was why the 13 year old boys from Camp Dan would no longer be allowed to go to the dance.

All this because of a bunch of balloons, Lorin thought to himself. Then he entered the message, "I've got my cotillion dress already bought!"

"What's it look like?" Thalia wrote.

"It's sort of white with some light pink flowers in it. I fell in love with it the moment I first saw it." Lorin's heart was pumping with excitement.

"You're lucky," Thalia answered, "I haven't been able to find any dress pretty enough worthy of being a bunny."

"You're so funny," Eileen added.

"At least your mom is taking you shopping," Joan said.

"I can't wait to see Lauren's dress," Thalia said. The conversation went on like this talking about the cotillion dresses. One of the girls called it "Bunny talk" and they decided that that would be one of their "in" jokes this summer.

At one point Joan said, "I couldn't believe they want us to bring 6 bras. Why so many? I don't even have 6 bras."

"I feel the same way," Thalia said, "two bras are enough. You wear one a week and then wash it and switch to the other bra."

"Me too," Janet said who had just come on line. "I've only been wearing bras for six months and my mom just got me two. Its silly to buy new ones since I'll be a bigger cup size by the fall, at least that's what my mom says."

"What size are you?" Thalia said, "I just got my first A cup bra."

"I've been a 32AA, but I think my bras are just starting to get a little snug."

Lorin felt that he had to be part of the discussion and he said, "I've just started wearing bras. My mom bought me some Playtex bras."

"They have some padding?" Joan said.

Lorin hesitated afraid they would laugh at him. A message appeared from Thalia, "I wish my mom let me get padded bras. I might be an A cup forever."

"Yeah," Lorin said, "they make me look one cup size larger."

"Two cup sizes would be hysterical," Joan said.

"Wow," Janet wrote.

A little while later Ann, Susan and Judy signed on so all eight girls were present. The conversation had shifted to school and Eileen wrote, "I heard in health ed today that girls that live together start getting their period at the same time."

"I've heard that too," Thalia said.

"Me also," Joan said, "they get into sync with each other. I guess we're all having periods, aren't we?"

"I am," Eileen said followed by Janet, Thalia, Judy, Ann and Susan. Lorin was the only one who hadn't written. He stared at the screen in a panic.

"Lauren?" Joan wrote.

"I had to get a snack," Lorin lied, "I had my first period last month; I'm having my second now."

"Poor Lauren," Ann wrote, "I've been having my period for 2 years now, but at the start it was so erratic and really hurt."

"My older sister started late also," Lorin said, "I guess it runs in my family."

"What are you using?" Susan said.

Lorin wasn't sure what to write. He hadn't yet figured out what he should use. Something he put inside himself, or something on the outside? What would be normal? He remembered some of the guys joking about girls needing Kotex and he wrote, "coatex".

"That's a scream!!!!!!!" Susan said. "Coatex!!!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA" Thalia wrote, followed by Ann, "Oh My God that's funny!"

Lorin couldn't figure out what the joke was. He wrote "it's the same as my sister uses."

"Bizarro!" Janet wrote, "Coatex? Where do you live? It's Kotex here."

"I was making a joke," Lorin said, "of course its Kotex!"

"Tampons or pads?" Janet said.

Lorin wondered if this was a trick question. Before he could answer he saw that Thalia had said, "I've always used Tampax Pearl regulars. My mom is really into tampons. If I'm bleeding heavily I also use Always pantiliners."

He was about to say he also used tampons, when Ann wrote, "I don't like tampons. They've always hurt me and I've been afraid they'd get stuck in me. I use Kotex pads."

"Me too," Eileen said.

Lorin figured that with pads, he could at least pretend to wear them. He had his doubts that he'd be able to find a place to stick a tampon inside himself. "I've started out with pads," Lorin said, "but I think I might try a tampon one day."

"The tampons are so necessary for swimming," Thalia said.

After a few more minutes of banter, a couple of the girls said they had to sign off since it was getting on towards ten o'clock.

"Before everyone leaves," Ann wrote, "we need to post pictures of ourselves. I'm dying to see what you all look like."

"Me too," Joan said. "By next week lets all have pictures of each other and let's also have a "Bunny Talk" once a week at this same time." This too was agreed upon and after a bunch of good bye's Lorin signed off.

He lay down on his bed exhausted. It had been a great strain pretending to be a girl. Clearly he had a lot to learn. There were so many possible ways he could trip up. And now he had the problem of getting a picture of himself as "Lauren." Yet another headache.

 

The next afternoon, after school, Lorin paid a visit to his sister's bathroom and discovered that she had both a package of Tampax tampons and a package of Kotex pads. He took one of each and went back to his room. He popped the tampon out of its cardboard tube and examined in detail. It had a little string which he realized would dangle from the girls so they could fetch it out when they wanted it. Too bad he didn't have his own vagina so he could experience first hand what it felt like. Did the little cord tickle? He had no way of knowing. The pad was another story. He fetched panties from his hiding place, put them on and then put the pad in them. He put on his pants and smiled with the realization that he could spend the rest of the day like that. His mom and dad would never know during dinner that he was wearing a pad. The thought made him feel a bit more connected with womankind.

He next located his dad's digital camera, and took it up to his bedroom to shoot a picture of himself as Lauren. By setting the timer, he took a picture of himself from his face down to his shoulders. When he looked at it in the viewing screen on the camera he was disappointed with what he saw: he looked more like a guy than a girl. He brushed his hair forward so that it hid part of his face and partially closed the blind on the window and tried again. This time the picture was much better, but still not ideal. The problem was that the camera was too close. He'd have to take a longer shot.

From its hiding place he took out one of his new bras, a top and skirt and put them on. He took a picture from the waist up with his chest thrust out as much as possible. The picture seemed to show a somewhat shy, willowy girl. It will do for the time being he thought to himself. With his hair restyled it would be even better. He noted that his hands hung limply in a girlish gesture. He hadn't even been trying to do that. Clearly he was transforming himself subconsciously into being a girl and he was happy to have that one small victory.

He downloaded the picture to his computer and erased the images from the camera. He sent the picture to the camp girls. After supper he got back a few messages thanking him for the picture. A couple of the girls mentioned how pretty "she" was. The pictures of the other girls came in one by one also, and he was impressed by how cute they all were. The whole cabin, with the certain exception of himself, would be filled with very attractive young ladies.

 

 

Lorin took stock of his camp clothes and made a list of what he was missing. During the next few weeks he made several trips after school to visit the free box behind the fire station and with some luck he was able to complete his wardrobe: a couple of pairs of jeans, a few skirts and tops. The last big thing on the list was makeup and pantyhose, and for this he took the last of his money, approximately 40 dollars and headed to the Fairfield mall on a Saturday morning.

With a list of what he needed in his hand he walked through a large drug store at the mall gathering the various items into a basket: nail polish and remover, emory boards, a compact with a mirror, brushes and combs, a small box of Kotex pads, eyeliner, shampoo, conditioner and other things. He kept a running total of what the items cost and when this came to a couple of dollars less than what he had, he saw that he had everything except lipstick. A lipstick that he coveted - it had a perfect shade of red - was 8 dollars, money that he didn't have. He went through the things in his basket trying to see what he could get rid of to make room for the lipstick. The couple of things that he could spare only added up to a dollar or two.

He stood in front of the lipstick section for a few minutes thinking and then flipped the lipstick into his pant pocket and took the basket to the front cashier. He was certain that no one had seen him. He walked toward the front of the store and was relieved to see that there were two cashiers, one of which was free. Behind the counter was a middle aged woman who looked utterly bored with her job. She rang up the stuff, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Lorin was a boy and everything he was buying was for girls. The total with tax came to $39.87 and after paying Lorin was given 13 cents change.

As Lorin stepped outside the store, a burly man with a shaved head came up to him and told him to come with him back into the store.

"What?" Lorin said.

"Come with me," the man said. A man standing outside looked at Lorin with an open smirk.

"Why?" Lorin said.

"I have reason to believe that you stole something."

"But I paid for all this!"

"OK, then when I take you inside and you empty your pockets we won't find anything?"

"All right, all right," Lorin said and went back into the store.

The store guard led him to a back room and had him sit down at a desk. Lorin put the lipstick on the table.

"Lipstick?" the man said.

Lorin hung his head and began to cry. The guard opened up the bag and looked inside. "Kotex, makeup?"

"They're for my sister," Lorin half heartedly tried to lie through his tears.

"I need your parents to come get you."

Lorin imagined his parent's reaction to the call. Shoplifting lipstick, buying Kotex. Everything would unravel and he would be shamed. Lorin bawled hysterically. This would be the end of everything. Penny would find out, his life would be over.

"Your crying won't do any good. The sooner you give me the number of someone, the sooner you'll get out of here."

"Can my older sister get me?" Lorin said. It was a sudden inspiration. He remembered how Beth, the saleslady who sold him his dress and bras had looked at him with concern and handed him her business card. She had offered to help him. It was the only hope he had.

"It's supposed to be your parents."

"They're off playing golf," Lorin lied. In fact they were at home dealing with a house painter they had contracted to paint the exterior.

The guard stared at Lorin a minute while he tried to look as pathetic as possible in the hope he might get some sympathy. "All right," the man finally said, "how old is she?"

"She's a lot older than me, she's 24," Lorin said guessing Beth's age.

"Give me her number."

Lorin fished the card from his wallet. "It's her business card," he told the guard and read off the phone number that she had written on the back. The guard dialed the number and Lorin prayed that Beth would answer.

After a couple of rings the guard said, "hello ma'am is this Beth?"

"Good. I've got your brother..." He covered the phone and asked Lorin his name.

"Lorin Baxter," Lorin said.

"Lorin Baxter. I caught him shop... Lorin Baxter, is he you're younger brother?"

There was a pause and then the guard said, "yeah, he shoplifted lipstick."

"Yeah, he says he was buying it for you. Anyway, we don't tolerate this shit here. You'll have to come get him, or I'll call the police and press charges. He'll be banned from the store for twelve months regardless."

Lorin heard the guard give the address of the store and then hung up. "She'll be here in 15 minutes. You're lucky. I've had many kids where the parents tell me to go to hell and don't come. The police put them in juvenile detention over night."

"I've never stolen anything in my life," Lorin said, "it's just I ran out of money and I had to get the lipstick." He began crying again. The guard looked at him and shook his head.

 

Lorin rode in silence with Beth back toward her place. Finally he said, "I'll pay you the eight dollars as soon as I get my next allowance." By the time he had gotten to the end of the sentence he was whimpering.

"I don't know what makes me more upset," Beth said, "your shoplifting or your buying lipstick, and Kotex. What in the world are you going to do with Kotex and all that other girl stuff?"

"I'm not a terrible person," Lorin said.

"I know that Lorin," Beth said and then after a minute, "but you owe me an explanation. I saved your neck. Now you're going to let me in on what you're doing." Beth looked at him and said, "there is some Kleenex in my purse. Take one and fix yourself up."

"Are you going to tell anybody about this?" Lorin said.

"It depends on if you tell me the whole truth, and also that you promise to never shoplift again."

"I won't, I promise," Lorin said as he gingerly opened up her purse and felt around for tissues. There were many vials of makeup and other unfamiliar things in the purse. It must nice to have one's own purse. He would have to get one also, and learn how to use it.

"I'll tell you everything. You've been way too nice to me already. I just hope that you don't get mad when I tell you."

"Mad about what?"

Lorin hesitated and Beth said, "we're almost home. Let's get comfortable and you can tell me what it is you're doing. Do you drink coffee? or tea?"

"No."

"Hot chocolate?"

"Sure, thanks."

They parked in front of a small apartment building and Lorin followed her to a top floor apartment that overlooked the street and had a small balcony. Beth ushered Lorin outside to sit in one of two reclining chairs as she fetched the drinks. In a few minutes she came back and said, "OK. I'm all ears."

Lorin stared at her. She was wearing jeans and a tee shirt and it was a bit strange to see her so informal compared to the dresses she wore at the store. "What do you want to know?"

"Tell me everything. Start at the beginning. Why buy a prom dress?"

"I'm scared to say. You're going to laugh at me and tell me I'm sick. I know I'm sick. I just don't know what to do about it, except what I'm doing."

"What is it you're doing," Beth said. "Tell me right now."

"I'm going to be a girl this summer. At camp. At a girl's camp."

Lorin watched as Beth shook her head back and forth in disbelief. "You're going to be a girl this summer? At a girl's camp? Just like that? You won't get caught? Are you crazy?"

"It's the sister camp to the one I've always gone to," and Lorin told her the story of the change in the upper camp and how he had gotten himself accepted to Camp Shoni. "So I've been buying clothes and things to get ready."

"So you think that a camp full of girls and women won't have any clue that you're actually a boy. All you have to do is dress like a girl and then you're magically a girl?"

Hurt and frightened Lorin said, "I know it's not easy, but I've been studying lots of things about girls. I think I can talk like a girl and I think that I look like a girl, well except for my hair style and I have a plan to change that on my way to camp. I'm also trying to think like a girl."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you Lorin, but there's too much about you that's boyish for you to pass as a girl."

Lorin started to cry.

"Don't cry," Beth said and Lorin cried harder. "That's one thing you do like a girl," Beth said with irony and got up and gave the whole box of tissues to Lorin. She stood over him, "I didn't mean to make you cry. I like you Lorin or I wouldn't have helped you today. It's just that I wouldn't be doing you any good if I didn't say what I think is the truth."

"I'm evil," Lorin said.

"Don't be harsh on yourself. I don't think you're anything more than a young kid who's got a lot to work out for themselves. You can't expect to have all the answers so soon. Actually, I think you're very brave for trying to do what you're doing, though I have to admit that I think that you were not hard enough on yourself thinking about whether or not the risk was worth the benefit. I mean you're walking a tightrope. You have to have known that. One slip and there are victims - besides yourself, they would be your mom and dad, the people at the camp. It's not just about your desires and needs."

Lorin blew his nose and then blew it again. "What should I do? I have to be in a camp this summer or else my mom and dad can't take their big trip to Asia."

"Can you tell them the truth?"

"If I tell them what I've been doing, isn't that just as bad as if I had gone to Camp Shoni and then been discovered?"

Beth sat down again, crossed her legs, closed her eyes and put her hand up t her forehead as if she were thinking deeply. Lorin waited for her to answer his question. Finally she said, "look, you do have a point. A guaranteed hurt to your parents vs. a possible hurt to your parents. Which is worse?"

"I don't know," Lorin said.

"The answer to this question lies in whether or not it's possible that you can have a greater than zero chance of being a convincing girl at camp. If you can, then I can see that you need to take the risk. On the other hand, if you can't pull it off, then you shouldn't even try."

"But you said that I have no chance."

"Right now, yes. But maybe I could help you be a girl. Teach you some things. Get you just to the point where it may be OK. I don't know if it's possible. You've got so many years of being a boy that you would have to unlearn. It would take a lot of practice and hard work."

Lorin started sobbing and got up and threw himself on Beth and hugged her. "Would you do that for me? Would you help me be a girl?"

"I think I could get in big trouble for doing this. You're a minor you know. But nothing we're going to do will be sexual. I'll merely critique you and give you advice and things to do to, but it's totally in the role of supplying information. It will be as if we were coin collectors and I told you about how to find and evaluate coins."

"Of course," Lorin said moving back away from her. "I understand about that. I will never even say I know who you are."

Beth laughed. "Don't be dramatic. I trust you Lorin. It's as simple as that."

"And I trust you," Lorin said.

"Do you want some more hot chocolate?" Beth asked.

"Sure," Lorin said. "Can we begin now?"

"OK. Give me a minute to think about what to do. I've never done this kind of thing before." Beth went to the kitchen and Lorin blew his nose again. When Beth came back she gave him the drink and said, "we'll have to work on your appearance, your make up and clothes, your movements like how you walk, run, get dressed and how you talk, what you say and how you say it. I 'm sure there are things I'm forgetting. What do you want to start with?"

"I don't know."

"Let me look at you walk across the room and sit on the sofa."

Lorin got up and did as she said. "No," Beth said, "your walk is too hurried and you sit without hesitation. It's hard to describe how girls walk and sit, but it's more tentative shall I say. More conscious of being graceful. Keep your thighs closer together, girls walk more protectively of their private area. When you sit, imagine that you're getting your butt perfectly aligned over the seat and you sit slowly, bending your legs. Imagine you have a skirt or dress on and your instinct is to make sure the skirt is folded neatly under you."

Lorin tried it again. "Better. A big problem is your hands. They need to be soft and fluid. Delicate. Imagine you have long pretty finger nails that you don't want to break at any cost. It makes your hands sort of float delicately and when they touch something it's slowly and caressingly."

Lorin tried walking and sitting several more times. Beth watched him carefully, then went to her bedroom and came back with a large blue skirt with an elastic waist band. "Put this on, over your pants" she said and when Lorin reached to take it she quickly added, "and reach for it like a girl. Put it on like a girl. There's no rush. Think that it will make you feel pretty, that should help."

Lorin practiced walking and sitting with the skirt. Beth showed him how to gently make sure with his hands that the skirt was even when he sat. "How am I doing?" Lorin asked.

"You have some talent, but you have much more unlearning to do of boy type movements. I have an idea," Beth said and took a large picture book down from a shelf and sat down next to Lorin. The book consisted of sharp color pictures of ballerinas in exquisite costumes. "Here, looked at Amanda McKerrow in Giselle." Lorin gazed upon a beautiful dancer en pointe in a wonderful full skirt. "And here is Susan Farrell in Swan Lake. Look at the delicacy and softness of her posture and the certainty of her own femininity. You have to feel that prettiness inside. See how the skirt of the tutu is an extension of her femaleness."

"She seems so frail and weak," Lorin said, "how can I ever be like that?"

"But she's not really," Beth said, "she's a powerful athlete, but she doesn't use it like a man - hit you over the head with it. Do you sort of get the picture, what I'm trying to express?"

"I think so," Lorin said. "I have to use my strength to help me appear weak."

"That's a pretty good way of saying it. You see it rules out being a sissy, you know like a caricature of a girl, where you flap your hands like you're ever so precious."

"It seems impossible to get this all right," Lorin said dejectedly.

"That's what I told you before. But you have made a bit of progress even in this hour, so I think that anything is possible. It's going to depend on how driven you are."

"I can't thank you enough for all you have done for me today."

"It's actually kind of fun. I feel a bit like Professor Higgins and you're Eliza Doolittle. Anyway, its getting late and you ought to be going. Practice everything I mentioned and come again next week."

"Could you show me how to put on pantyhose and a bra the way a girl would? And also a dress. I don't even know how to put on my cotillion dress."

"You'll have to bring them here."

"I'll try and do that," Lorin said and gathered up his things and said goodbye.

 

Over the next few weeks, Lorin ice skated with Penny at the town rink, went to a couple of movies with her, held her hand and even "made out" with her in the back of the movie theatre. He wondered the whole time if it would be appropriate to place his hand on her breast. To feel a breast in his bare hand, to feel it lying inside her bra, to feel Penny's warm bra as it nestled across her chest. He desperately wanted to do it, but was frozen in fear lest he go too far.

Interspersed with his times with Penny were several trips to Beth where she taught him techniques for putting on a bra and pantyhose. She showed him how to put on lipstick and eyeliner and eye shadow and rouge. Under her guidance he learned to brush his hair like a girl would, and set it up with rollers or barrettes. He learnt how slips go on and when a slip was necessary or not. Beth made him know what to look for when he looked in a mirror. She taught him how to be patient and to plan his movements.

She was an excellent teacher and he felt that he was becoming almost like a girl friend of hers as he absorbed more and more of what she taught him. The more he learned, the more feminine he felt and the better he learned, so his progress accelerated dramatically over the few weeks. He especially loved the freedom her small apartment gave him to just let down his hair so to speak and be a girl, or try to be a girl. From the moment he would enter he would slow his steps reach for things gently and carefully. His voice would soften and shift octave to more of a girls tone.

He had brought his cotillion dress, a bra, panties, a slip and some pantyhose to Beth's apartment and she didn't mind if he stored them there. Each time he came he would rush into her bedroom and don his "costume" as Beth described it. Undoubtedly, the mere act of wearing the pretty dress made him feel more feminine and so his lessons went better. On more than one occasion while on a date with Penny, he would think of himself in his dress and then feel terribly guilty. But inevitably, he would also wish that he could be Penny's girl friend, if that were possible. Would she mind if her boy friend was a girl?

With just two weeks before he would leave for camp, Beth said to Lorin, "your progress is really quite extraordinary. I think you might be passable, just passable as a girl. Or enough of a girl to suppress suspicion. A lot will depend on your hairstyle. Your movements have become feminine without being overly done and your voice, though a bit husky, is kind of girlish. You've gotten the hang of make up. Of course we haven't touched upon things like swimming like a girl, or catching a ball like a girl and I don't what you'll do at the dances. Do you know how to dance like a girl?"

"No," Lorin said with worry.

"Let's make this the last thing I teach you. I'll lead and you follow." Beth put on some slow music and came up to Lorin and held him firmly as if she were a boy leading him in a dance. It was the first time Beth had touched him and he delighted in the sensation. He had become very fond of her, not in the same was as with Penny, but nevertheless he was undoubtedly in love with her. In a future life maybe he would be her girl friend, or little sister. He hoped there would be some roles that they could play in each others lives in the future.

They danced together and Beth softly whispered instructions in his ear on how to follow her directions communicated through slight guiding movements of her arms. "I daresay that the boys you'll be dancing with won't be very good, so anything you do will probably be OK."

"Thanks, Beth, you've been so wonderful to me. I can never repay you." A few tears started coming down his cheek.

"I must admit its been a fun experience for me. You're a very special person Lorin. But I'm going to be very worried about you this summer. I want to believe that you're going to make it, but I don't honestly know. It's a very difficult thing not to have a slip up."

"Had I not had these lessons, I would have had no chance. I see that now. I can't believe how naive I was that I didn't see that before."

Beth gave Lorin a hug and told him he better go. "I'll be away for parts of the summer myself. I'm going to Europe for a few weeks. You will really be totally on your own at Camp Shoni."

Lorin could see some tears forming in Beth's eyes.

"And regardless of what happens at the camp, you're going to have to deal with yourself in the fall," Beth said.

"I know," Lorin said. It was, in fact, something he had thought about a lot. If he blossomed as Lauren this summer, how would he ever become Lorin again in the fall? How would he ever just resume his relationship with Penny?

Lorin took off his dress and underwear and put back on his jeans and shirt. He put his things in his backpack and said a last farewell to Beth and started back for home. He felt like his one life line to someone who would not condemn him was severed and he fought hard not to cry. By the time he got home, he felt more confident. Beth thought he could pass as a girl and she wouldn't say that if she didn't believe it. One week to go to blast off and he decided that he was as ready as he ever was going to be.

 

End of Chapter 7

  

  

  

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