Camp Shoni

by

Pamela

Chapter 2

 

During English class, while the teacher Mr. Oster wrote twenty five spelling words on the blackboard for the class to copy, Lorin starred at Penny's pretty back. The outline of her bra strap was easy to see and he was sure that he was in love with her. He would have loved to ask Penny on a date, but he knew that she hung out with a group of kids that were older and cooler than himself. He could not imagine that Penny would want to date him. His thoughts drifted to Camp Shoni. He might just end up going, he realized. It was possible that everything would fall into place and then he'd be there with all the pretty girls and he could be with them all the time. He imagined himself in a skirt and camp tee shirt and white tennis sneakers in a crowd of girls. He'd be wearing a bra just as Penny was now. By the end of the summer he'd probably feel as natural in a bra as Penny does. But the initial time would probably be a shock. It was hard to imagine how that would be, and then later at the end of the summer when he might actually find himself getting ready for the cotillion. His dress would be on a hanger waiting for him to put on. The girls would be sitting in the cabin in their slips putting on make up, combing their hair and chatting with each other. Everyone would be making an extra effort to be really nice, telling everyone how much they liked everyone's dresses and how pretty they were. They would be talking about the different boys they had met that summer and who might ask them to dance. The uneasy thought passed through Lorin's mind that he actually did not have a dress and it was hard to figure out how he could ever get one. Maybe they give the girls dresses to wear, he wondered.

Blake was taken out of his reverie by Mr. Oster saying, "and you Mr. Baxter, pronounce the next word out loud and see if you can figure out what it means."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Oster, what word did you mean?"

"Lorin, it's not like you to day dream in class! Pay attention."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"We were up to the third word."

Lorin looked at it and read aloud: "deception. I guess that means when you trick someone into believing something to be true that isn't."

"Very good. Now use it in a sentence," Mr. Oster said.

Lorin thought a minute and said, "John's deception had gone on long enough. He would now have to admit to being a boy."

The class laughed and Mr. Oster said, "very good Lorin, a bit strange, but very good."

 

For the next several weeks the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not he was accepted at Camp Shoni weighed heavily upon Lorin and he was in a state of perpetual anxiety. If he could at least know that he was rejected by the camp, then he could go through a big confession to his parents, suffer whatever punishment they wanted to give him, and then hopefully end up in another camp. He would have learned a big lesson and he could go forward in his life from there. On the other hand, as soon as he knew that Camp Shoni accepted him he could start the seemingly impossible task of figuring out what he had to do so that he could fit in with the girls.

While waiting for the verdict, every day his mind fostered ever more anxiety producing fantasies in which something would go wrong to cause him and his family great pain or embarrassment. A recurring scenario centered on his parents reaction to finding out he wanted to pretend to be a girl. In this his mom and dad became so upset they had to cancel their trip to Japan at which point his dad lost his job and the family became homeless. In another fantasy, his secret gets discovered a month into the camp and the director calls the police who come and lock him up at the police station until his parents come back from Asia. His parents never forgive him for what he had done and he ends up in a foster home. It clearly would be a miracle if he never got caught all summer. Just one more reason why he had been incredibly stupid to have done what he had done.

The worrying became so omnipresent that he prayed that the answer, any answer would just come quick. He thought of calling the camp office and telling them to switch his application to Camp Dan. They would certainly remember Lorin Baxter at the same address as Lauren Baxter. He would just say that someone had changed the application as a practical joke and he had only just learned about it. Of course, the secretary might want to speak to his parents, in which case his mom and dad would want to know whom the practical jokester was. Lorin would be stuck. He could never ask Kenny to go along with such a ruse. Imagine if Kenny knew about his secret desires! That would be the end of his friendship and surely everyone at school would find out in about 2 seconds.

Lorin had trouble concentrating at school or on his home work and his grades began to take a dip. He felt antsy and slept in fits. And then finally one night when he had taken a shower and was drying himself off he looked in the long mirror inside the bathroom door and realized that he had never even thought about the most important thing of all: people would have to look at him and see a girl. Not a boy. It was not just about pretending to be a girl or wearing girls clothes. It was about the girls in the camp seeing him physically as being a girl. He starred at his penis. It was a dead give away. If he had to shower with the other girls like he used to shower with the guys at camp Dan then he would not even make it one day at camp. "What have I gotten myself into?" he asked himself. He looked up at his face and saw a boys face. He took his hair and arranged it so that it covered his ears and framed his face. "At best I sorta look like a rock musician," he thought.

Later, in bed, he got the camp brochure and opened it to the pictures from camp Shoni. He examined the faces and hairstyles of the girls, longing to see why they looked like girls and he did not. It dawned on him that if he only had bangs, like many of the girls in the pictures, he might then look a million times more like a girl. How could he get bangs he wondered? It would mean having to find someone who knew how to cut girls hair and then getting them to cut his. Not just cut his hair. Change him from boy to girl. He could not even have his hair cut before he left for camp. It all seemed so impossible. He felt a huge, new, wave of anxiety.

 

One evening a week later his mom paid him a visit in his room after supper.

"Lorin, today I got a call from Mr. Oster. Apparently your teachers had a team meeting and in their discussion they compared notes about you and came to the conclusion that you are not being yourself. They feel there is something that is distracting you from doing the A work they have always gotten from you."

"I'm not failing anything!" Lorin exclaimed.

"No, no, they say that your grades are now mostly in the B range. For anyone else they would not even notice, but you have always been a solid A student. They were hoping that I could tell them what might be weighing upon your mind."

"I don't know mom. I guess I didn't study enough for a couple of tests. I'll try and study more."

"The question is why didn't you study enough for the tests. What is distracting you from studying?"

"Nothing mom."

"Lorin, don't be evasive. We both know there is a problem here and if you tell me then I'll be able to help you with it."

"But mom, there's no problem."

"Are any of the boys bullying you?"

"No way! Where did you get that from?"

"I'm just guessing. Well, perhaps I need to bring your father in on the discussion."

"No wait mom. The only thing is I guess that I've been thinking a lot lately about..."

He hesitated feeling embarrassed. "Go on, Lorin," his mother said kindly.

"I think about Penny. She sits in front of me in English."

Lorin's mother face broke out into a smile. "A girl? Is that what this is all about?"

"I think I guess I have a sort of crush on her." He thought about her bra strap and then his favorite memory of her white bra against her skin.

"Thats a perfectly normal thing for a young boy. Your father could talk to you about it."

"I know mom. I guess I was thinking of talking to dad about dating. You know I sort of want to ask her out. But..."

As gently as she could his mom said, "but what Lorin?"

"But I'm afraid to. I'm afraid she'll have no interest in me. She'll laugh at me!" For some strange reason Lorin felt tears coming on and stopped talking.

"These fears are perfectly normal. But I'm sure that Penny would never make fun of you for asking her out. Even if she did not want to see you, say she had another boyfriend. She would still be flattered by your attention. I know, since I was a girl once a long time ago and every girl loves to be asked out. Particularly by someone as handsome and smart as you."

The attention caused a few tears to roll out of Lorin's eyes and his mother felt a pang of love for her son's vulnerability. She slid next to him on the bed and gave him a hug. Lorin composed himself and said, "I know its wrong to let my thoughts of Penny distract me, so I think I can stop doing that. I also will see about asking her out."

"Good, you should. I hope you will talk to your dad about it. He was pretty good with getting himself dates, and I think that I prove that!"

Lorin and his mom laughed at the joke. Before leaving his room his mom said, "I love you Lorin."

"I love you too mom," Lorin replied.

 

After that conversation Lorin felt even more guilty than he had before. It was true that he thought about Penny and about asking her out. But he knew it certainly was not the reason for his not studying. He decided that come what may, he would get his grades back up again, if for no other reason than to prevent his mom and dad from poking around into what he was thinking about.

Several weeks went by and finally on the first of April he came home just before dinner time, after playing at Kenny's house after school. His mom called to him when he came in saying "theres a big envelope for you from Camp Dan." Camp Dan? How could that be? How could Camp Dan be admitting him? It was such a surprise. How could they? The camp secretary must have realized who he was and put him back into Camp Dan. Lorin felt a huge disappointment. All that worrying for nothing! It all made sense. The secretary would take one look at the name Lauren Baxter and figure out that he was playing some sort of joke. Lorin went to where the mail was kept on a small table next to the front door. He saw a large white envelope and picked it up. It was addressed to "Lauren Baxter." Why did they spell my name wrong he wondered. Since the envelope was large he knew it had to be an acceptance. Why else would they send such a large bulky envelope? He walked up the stairs to his room and shut the door. Sitting on his bed he starred at the front of the envelope. Lauren Baxter, plain as day. He couldn't believe his mother hadn't noticed. He flipped over the envelope to look at the return address. Expecting to see Camp Dah-nes-tsa, instead he saw in large letters, Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad and its address at Lake Navajo. Oh my God! Mom must not even have looked at the back of the envelope! She had just assumed it was camp Dan! He danced around the room pumping the air with his fist. I can't believe it! I got in! I'm going to be Lauren this summer! I'll be at the cotillion! He twirled and twisted around the room in excitement. He fell on the bed and then jumped up and got the brochure and once again looked at the Cotillion picture. "I'm going to be there! I'm really going to have a pretty dress and be there with all the girls." He closed his eyes and imagined wearing stockings and putting on a petticoat and a dress and make up and arranging his hair. "And I'll have beautiful shoes with high heels!"

He sat back on the bed and then shivered with the thought of what would have happened had his mother seen the return address. Why hadn't he thought of that? It unnerved him to realize how exposed to being caught he had been. He should have come home straight from school every single day like he usually did so he could be the one to check the mail. He vowed that from then until he left for camp that was what he would have to do in case Camp Shoni sent any other letters.

He ripped open the envelope and took out the contents. Before looking at what was inside he tore the empty envelope in such a way that the words "Lauren" and "Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad" were cut down the middle. Then he ripped off the bits of paper containing these words, wadded them up and put them in his mouth and then spit them into the trash can. One less piece of evidence, he thought.

He next looked at the top sheet of the camp papers. It was a personalized letter:

Dear Lauren:

Welcome to Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad!

We are so pleased to have you join us for a wonderful summer of fun on the shore of Lake Navajo! Accompanying this letter you will find a list of recommended items to bring to camp, an activity questionnaire for you to fill out and mail back and an information booklet that describes some of the rules of the camp, guidelines for getting to the camp including a bus schedule for picking up campers from the Greyhound bus station in Poughkeepsie, and other useful information. Bunk assignments, a list of your fellow campers and other last minute details will be sent to you in early May. A return envelope is included with which to mail the balance of the camp fees: due May 1.

We look forward to seeing you this summer!

The Directors

 

Lorin danced around his room again, skipping, twirling, giddy with happiness. "I'm going to be a girl! I'm going to be a girl!" He couldn't believe it. How had he actually gotten his application accepted? It didn't matter. It was done! He sat down on his bed and looked at the next sheet. At the top it said, "Recommended Items for Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad." There was a long list of things. It started:

Clothing

6 bras (2 sports bras)

12 panties

2 pair pantyhose

6 pair white socks

6 pair anklets

1 half slip

1 full slip

6 shorts

3 skirts

12 blouses (3 buttoned)

2 bathing suits

2 pair sneakers

2 pair walking shoes

1 pair hiking boots

1 pair heels

2 nightgowns

2 dresses

1 gown and crinoline (for cotillion)

 

Under a section called toiletries/makeup it had

lipstick, eyeliner, rouge, nail polish and remover

hair spray

brush/comb

hand mirror

hair dryer

deodorant

razor and shaving gel

2-3 month supply of Tampax

cotton balls, Q-tips

 

At the bottom it said: "Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad does not permit piercings of any kind except earrings."

He went back to the top of the page. 6 bras? How in the world would he ever get six bras? He had never thought about how he could possibly get even one. And the slips, skirts and dresses? And pantyhose? How would he get this stuff? How did he know what size to get? Where could he get it?

A knock on the door interrupted his reverie. "Honey can I come in?" he heard his mom call.

He collected the papers from the camp and clutched them tightly. "Sure, mom."

His mother entered. "Dinner is in a couple of minutes. You should wash up. What did the camp say?"

"I got in. Its just the usual stuff. What to bring and you know, the activities questionnaire."

"Right. Let me have the list of things to bring, and I suppose I need the transportation info."

"I'm... still... looking it over, ...sort of" Lorin said haltingly.

"Well let me have it when you're done. I need to see what we ought to buy."

"OK mom." He said this in a clipped voice like he was obviously nervous.

His mother looked at him strangely. He prayed that she wouldn't ask him what was the matter.

"Are you still bothered about Penny?"

"Yeah, a little. But I got a 95 on the science quiz. I studied real hard."

"I'm glad to hear that. Your dad says you haven't talked to him about dating. I think you should."

"OK mom, I will tonight."

"Good. Dinner is in five minutes. Wash up and come down to dinner."

As soon as his mom left the room, Lorin stole a quick look at the activities sheet. It said that the girls at Camp Ne-Zhoni Ah-tad bunked 8 to a cabin, with one counselor per cabin. Each cabin of girls were classified as being either "Wolves" or "Bunnies" depending on whether they preferred athletics to more artistic pursuits such as music, theater, painting and crafts. Usually each age level had at least two bunny cabins and two wolf cabins. The camp classified each camper into bunny or wolf depending on how they answered the questionnaire that they were supposed to mail back as soon as possible. It said that they tried to keep as many bunnies together and wolves together as possible. But if you were a bunny and found yourselves with the wolves or a wolf and you found yourself with mostly bunnies, you'd still have a marvelous summer. Lorin laughed at that. He knew he was going to be a bunny. He did not mind playing sports but he knew that he would be far more interested in activities that would give him a chance to hang out with the other girls and just talk about girl things. If they let the girls help plan the cotillion he would definitely try and be on the committee. It would be fun to make decorations or whatever else they might need to do.

He put the papers underneath his school books and headed downstairs for dinner. He remembered that his mom wanted the list of what to bring and the transportation info. He hoped she would forget until he had time to think of an excuse for not giving it to her. He could just pretend to have lost it, but that might make her angry. In any case she would certainly call the camp for a replacement copy. Whoever answered the phone at camp Dan might say there is no Lorin Baxter signed up for the summer. He felt conflicted inside. He did not like one bit the thought of having to make so many lies to his parents. One big lie was enough. A lot of little lies felt bad and he did not see how he could get away with too many of them before he was found out.

 

When dinner was over and he was clearing the dishes his dad said, "Lorin, your mom says that there is something you would like to discuss with me."

"Oh yeah dad," Lorin said.

"Whats that Lorin?" his sister Stephanie said.

"NOYB" Lorin said.

"Its a man-to-man talk?" Stephanie said.

"Yeah, its man-to-man and I can't discuss it with you," Lorin said.

Stephanie chuckled. "It must be about dating. Do you have a crush on a girl?"

"Stephanie!" Lorin was not happy about being teased.

"Yes, Stephanie," his dad said. "Lorin and I are going to have a man-to-man chat. And if I end up imparting to him some of the famous Baxter dating technique, well all I can say is that there will be a bunch of very happy girls out there!"

Lorin blushed while his dad and sister laughed. From the other room Lorin's mom said, "I heard that! When you're done with your chat you Baxter boys can use some of your Baxter techniques to clean the dishes. I've got to bring some soup to Mrs. McGonagle whose feeling a bit piqued today." Mrs. McGonagle lived in the house whose yard abutted Lorin's family's property across the back fence. She was a recent widow: her husband had been a train engineer and had been killed in a freak accident while switching engines at the train yard.

 

"So whats up?" Lorin's dad asked. "I heard that your grades have jumped back up and you've fallen head over heels for some girl in your class."

"Well I sorta guess so dad. It's Penny who I sit behind in English class. She's very pretty. Sometimes its hard to not look at her."

"Her back?"

"Yeah, well it is her back but I can sometimes see." Lorin hesitated. He did not exactly know where he was headed and felt embarrassed.

"See what?"

"I can see her straps. Under her blouse. And I once saw through the arm hole of her shirt."

"Oh, you mean you saw her bra?"

"Yeah, I saw a good view of it." Lorin was sweating profusely. He could not quite figure out why he was telling this to his dad.

He glanced at his dad's face. He was smiling from ear to ear and his eyes had crinkled to little slits. It seemed like his dad was trying to control himself and then all or a sudden he burst out into a huge laugh. He guffawed and shook with laughter. "I'm sorry Lorin. I'm truly sorry. I shouldn't laugh." He lost control of himself and laughed some more.

Lorin looked at him smiling. Even though he felt a bit ridiculous. It was nice to have made his dad laugh so hard.

His dad finally collected himself and said, "its perfectly normal. Its just normal Lorin. Those little straps. Those little peeks men take at them and anything else they can see. All men are doing that all the time. Its what those straps symbolize. Something that's over the great divide. Its something that you and I will never know about. A world that is forever lost to us. A bra strap on a shoulder. A tiny little thing, but its so packed with meaning since its only for women. Its something only they know about wearing. And its something that only they know about wearing since only they have you know whats."

Inwardly, Lorin felt scared. Hearing his dad say "its only for women," made him see that he had been too easy on himself these past few weeks. No matter how much he wanted to be in the cotillion, it did not suffice to make it OK to do what he was doing. The lying, the deception (Mr. Oster would be proud of him) were wrong. Just wrong.

"So its OK to think about that? I mean I think of Penny's bra a lot."

"And what's in them?" his dad said.

Lorin blushed bright red. "Yeah, of course," he said. But the truth was that he had never gotten that far. The bra itself had been as much as he could handle. His father was clearly enjoying this opportunity to have an intimate conversation with his son.

"Lorin. Did you ever hear of Victoria's Secret? A billion dollar industry devoted to purveying underwear for women? Why do they do such a huge business? Why are they in every mall? Or take France for example. Every block in Paris has its perfumery, its bakery, a cafe and a little shop selling bras. Its because of exactly what you and every man feels when he sees a woman wearing those pretty little things."

What he wanted to say to his dad but was afraid to say was: "I think of Penny's bra a lot because I want to have one of my own. I wish that I could wear bras the same way she has to, and all the other girls. I feel left out. Some days I am so jealous of Penny I don't know what to do. I don't think that its fair that she gets to wear bras and I can't."

"I guess I was afraid there was something wrong with me," Lorin finally said.

"Where do you get such notions?" his dad said. "You probably need to talk more with your friends. That's probably the way most boys sort of learn about girls. Even better than that, once you get a few dates under your belt you'll feel so much more comfortable with girls. Of course they will always be a mystery to guys. They think differently than we do and I don't know if there has ever been a man who completely understands them. If he did, he'd make a gazillion dollars."

Lorin and his dad laughed. Their conversation turned into a monologue in which his dad boasted somewhat nostalgically of his dating exploits. It was pretty interesting and also informative and Lorin hoped that he would have the courage to ask Penny out on a date. When they were done talking, Lorin felt closer to his dad than he could ever remember being. He also felt a low dull ache in his heart thinking of the secret he was hiding from him and what his dad would think of him if he found out. "Thanks dad for the little talk. I feel better and I think I will ask Penny out."

 

Later that evening Lorin thought about what his dad had said in their conversation. Not only did he have to look like a girl and have all the girls see him as one, he would have to talk like a girl, say things a girl would say. He could not talk the way boys do in front of them. It was just one more impossible thing he would have to figure out in the next two months. As his mind flitted through the myriad things he would have to do before camp and the myriad problems he would have to solve, it occurred to him that he needed to formulate a plan. He would have to be systematic, he decided. What he'd do was start a diary and in his diary he'd put down all his ideas for solving his problems.

He remembered that his sister had been give three diaries for Christmas from different friends and relatives. She had made clear to all that she never kept diaries and that she certainly did not need three at once. The diaries had been put in a drawer in the living room that held paper supplies and other stuff for school. Lorin went downstairs and seeing that no one was around opened the drawer and saw the diaries. Two of them were relatively plain white leatherette. The third was pink with daisies on it and had a picture of Barbie on the front and a slot within which was a card saying "This Barbie diary belongs to," and a space to write a name. There was also a latch with a small key taped next to it which could be used to lock the diary shut. Lorin took the Barbie diary and raced back up to his room and closed the door and sat down on his bed. He took out the card and wrote on it "Lauren". He sat back on the bed and read "This diary belongs to Lauren." He took the key and tried it in the lock. It turned and he pulled at the latch and opened the book. The pages of the diary were a light pink color with a faint picture of Barbie smiling from the upper left side. The first few pages had places to write in the names of ones best girl friends, what one wanted to be when one grew up, ones favorite song, movie, TV show and other things. The last few pages had space to list boys you had a crush on, and the name of your boy friend.

He turned to the first blank page. On the top left was written "Dear Barbie," and to the right was a place for the date. Lorin wrote, April 1. On the first line he wrote: "I've decided to be a girl for this summer. Please don't be mad at me Barbie, I need you to be my friend. I have so many problems. I'll never be able to solve them all if you aren't there to help me. I need you to give me ideas. You're a girl, really the prettiest girl there is. If anybody can give me good ideas it will be you. Anyway, I'm scared of what I've done. I am going to use this diary to tell you about my problems and how I am going to solve them. Please help me Barbie!

I know you are wondering what my problems are. Well they can be broken down into a few categories. First of all I have to learn how to talk and think like a girl. Secondly, I have to look like a girl, and thirdly I have to get all the girls clothes and other stuff I need for camp. There are also other problems which if I think about them I will cry. I love you Barbie. Your buddy, no, your girl friend to be, Lauren.

He sat back smiling. This is going to be so much fun. His own Barbie diary. He wondered if Penny had a diary. He closed the book and locked it. Once again he heard his mom calling for him from outside his door. "One minute, mom," he called out. He lifted up his mattress and stuck the diary underneath and then opened the door.

"I just came by to get the camp stuff, before you lose it."

"Oh, OK, I'll bring it to you in a minute. I just got to finish looking at it."

"Be quick about it. Its getting late!"

"OK mom." He forced himself to smile at her. The moment she left his face contorted into an expression of anguish. What in the world was he going to do? He took another look at the camp forms. All he could do was say he had lost them. Camp Dan certainly did not have bunnies and wolves! He could just say that one minute he had them, the next minute they were gone. She would believe that about two seconds! He looked at the info sheet and saw that the camp had a web address: www.ne-zhoni-ah-tad.com. What if camp Dan also had a website? He wondered if they had any camp information there. He ran to the computer on his desk and typed in an equivalent web address for Camp Dan. It came back with a message saying that the website did not exist. Damn! He then typed in the address of camp Shoni. It came up in a few seconds. At the top there was a button for "home". He clicked on it, and a page appeared saying "Camps of Lake Navajo." Below that was a button to click for each camp and he clicked on the one for Camp Dan. It brought him to the homepage of Camp Dan. Thank god, he thought. The web address was exactly www.dah-nes-tsa.com. Puzzled he looked at the history and saw that he had previously typed in www.dah-new-tsa.com. What an idiot he was. On the Camp Dan web page was a section entitled "information for campers." He could not believe how lucky he was! In the information section there was a page listing recommended items. He looked it over and saw that it was exactly like the one for camp Shoni, but did not say anything about 6 bras! Another page gave bus information and everything just like camp Shoni. He hit the print button and in a minute later he had the forms for Camp Dan in his hand. All he was missing was the cover letter and he was sure his mom would not care about that. He hurried to his mom's room and gave her the pages.

"Here mom. I guess the camp looks pretty good, I guess, even though I won't be in the upper camp." He didn't exactly know why he had to lie just then, but he felt compelled to do so.

"I'm glad you're trying to make the best of it. Its always good to have a positive attitude."

Lorin went back to his room feeling relieved that he had successfully passed the first big test of his deception. He wondered what other difficult situations were in store for him in the months to come and would he be as lucky the next time around as he was this time.

End of Chapter 2

  

  

  

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