The Birth of Lesley Renee
by: Lesley Renee Charles
lesley_charles1@hotmail.com

 

Part One - The Early Years

I was born on Sunday, September 26, 1965 in Somerville, New Jersey. I was named Ernest for my father and Charles for his paternal grandfather. My mother says I was a prissy child from day one and had to be treated just right or I would be moody. My father always told me that I was a very good baby, and that they only had to tell me no and tap my hand and I would stop misbehaving. The first three years of my life were uneventful. Around the age of three, I realized that I should have been born a female. I had no idea of the different plumbing of the sexes at the time so I just knew I would grow up to be a woman. It felt odd and wrong to me when the adults around me insisted that I would grow up to be a man. When my mother was expecting me she would have liked to have had a daughter. For a while growing up I always felt guilty that I was not born a girl, just had a female mind. She would tell me over and over again that she didn’t care about the sex of the child just as long as I was born healthy.

I wanted to play with dolls and fell in love with the Dawn doll series. My godmother also gave me a Colorforms set of cut out Dawn dolls that were similar to paper dolls in that you could change the outfits on the dolls. This became another favorite toy of mine. I refused to play with my matchbox cars and trucks. My older half brother would force me to play with them. Also, around that time I would walk on my toes emulating walking in high heel shoes. This also freaked my family out. My preferred playmates were girls. I always got along better with them than with boys.

I was also in my first and only year of nursery school at the time. My mother later told me that I was picked on by the boys and taken under the wing of the nursery school owner’s older daughter. I was an extremely good-natured and sweet child. I usually did what I was told.

When playing house I would always be a daughter. I felt more comfortable in the feminine role. I would almost always act effeminate. Around this time, I was called a fag and fairy by some of the teen-age boys in my neighborhood.

I would play dress up in my mother’s and my friends’ mothers’ clothes. I especially liked to wear the high heel shoes. I had many girl friends and very few boy friends. I just did not feel comfortable around boys, even though I was told that I should hang out with them. I preferred playing with the girls because they suited my quiet nature. They also played with the toys that I really wanted to play with. I also liked being around girls because I understood them and felt more comfortable with them. Being with boys always felt strange for me. I just did not understand them nor did I want to. They also had to tolerate being with a very effeminate boy, which they were very uncomfortable with. I did not like to play sports or do any of the other things that boys like to do. I was just too prissy for them.

Around the time I was five or so, I received Raggedy Andy as a gift, either for my birthday or Christmas. I remember being so disappointed because I really wanted the Raggedy Ann doll. That Halloween, I went out as Raggedy Ann. That was the only time I was able to go out as a girl. Luckily there is a photograph of me in that costume. Evidently my older brother didn’t get to it and destroy it.

Luckily I wasn’t beat up growing up, but I was mostly ignored because of my gender issues. I felt very isolated around people and most of them viewed as being very strange because of my girlish tendencies, which I did not bother to hide. Eventually I try to behave as much as a male so that the other kids did not bother me, but still be true to my desire to be me. My mother in her own way partially encouraged this behavior. She would have me stay with her among her woman friends, so from a very early age I would hear girl talk.

Part 2 - Family Background

First I will begin with my mother. She was born on March 3, 1922 to Italian immigrants. My Grandfather came over sometime in 1919. I suspect that he wanted to get away before Mussolini came into power, but I don’t really know his reasons for coming to America. Maybe like most immigrants he wanted a better life. My Grandmother and two uncles came over in 1920. My mother married her first husband in the mid-forties. He was an alcoholic and was abusive to my mother and older half-brother. He died in 1962 and about a year or so later my mother met my father. They married on January 4, 1964 and I was conceived about a year later. My mother later said that I was an accident, because she was told that she wouldn’t be able to have more children. She was forty-three the year I was born. She told me that during the pregnancy she almost lost me. She started to spot blood. The doctor made her stay off her feet. She also said that one of her friends wanted her to have a girl. I also think that my mother wanted a daughter. Little did she know that she had a daughter that was born with a penis. My mother decided to leave the factory where she worked since World War II. By doing this she lost out on her pension, a fact that I was reminded of all through my life.

I was spoiled by all of her friends. I was doted and fussed over. My mother spoiled me rotten. As a result of this I was not walking by the age of one. According to my mother one day, my Aunt Connie (my mother’s younger sister) was over and had some keys. My mother said that I wanted the keys and my aunt refused to give them to me so I walked over and got them. I guess I was strong willed even back then. My mother also said that when I was being potty trained I would only follow her into the bathroom. I have a vague recollection of learning to pee sitting down. Around the time I was 2 and a half my mother had to take in her parents and blind and deaf mute brother. My Grandmother’s doctor did not want her taking care of her house at eighty-seven. They stayed with us for about a year before they died. My Grandfather died first on January 1, 1968. About six months later, my Grandmother fell and broke her hip. This started her downfall. She then had several mini-strokes. I was the only person she remembered so I was taken every day to the nursing home where she was so that she could see me. I was looked after by the nurses there, who found me sweet-tempered and easy to look after since I stayed where, I was told to stay. My Grandmother died in October of 1968. I took their deaths hard. I remember being at a train station with my father and younger brother and my dad telling me that I was making enough noise to wake the dead and I said that was good because then Grandma and Grandpa could come back.

Next comes my father. I really don’t know too much of his background. He hardly talked about his childhood. The only things I know were his parents were divorced and he was raised in several foster homes. I wish I could say a lot of nice things about my father but he is not a very nice person. When I was younger I thought the world of him, but I was a disappointment to him, since I was quiet and gentle. He was happy when my younger brother was born so he could teach him all his rotten tricks. My father was a sneak drinker. He would buy the beer and hide it in the trunk of his car. He liked it when I was old enough, say about six, so I could go up to the movie teller and buy the movie tickets and take my younger brother into the theater, so that he could stay in the car and drink.

My Uncle Patsy was a smart and brilliant man. Although he was blind and deaf, he could do many things to take care of himself. He caned chairs, he walked our dog, he shaved himself. He was kind and always remembered birthdays. He knew what day of the week it was. He was also great at woodworking. Anything he built could last a long time.

My older half-brother was born on April 30, 1944. He joined the navy in 1963 and two years later he left because they would not send him to Vietnam. He was just out of the navy when I was born. He always would comment on anything that I did that was not masculine. For example he disliked when I wanted to play with dolls and toy stoves. He would force me to play with my matchbox cars. I rarely played with them, that is why they were in good condition until my younger brother played with them.

My younger brother was born on May 22, 1969. I helped my mother take care of him. There are many pictures of us together where I am hovering over him and/or holding him so tight. I guess I was an over-protective older sibling. He was the one that was hard on toys. He would like to take things apart to see how they worked. I on the other hand tried to keep my things as new looking as possible.

Part 3 - The School Years

I lived in Middlesex, New Jersey until I was eight. My family then moved to Lawrenceville, New Jersey. My dad did not want to commute to work anymore was the reason that we moved. I thought that my dad would spend more time with us but it didn’t work out that way. I was extremely shy as a child so it was hard for me to lose my friends. Once in the new house my preferred friends were two girls who lived across the street. This was great because I could play girl roles and play with dolls without asking my parents for them. I still did not have many male friends, I was not comfortable being with them. It did not help that I was not interested in playing sports or any other typical male behavior. My favorite past time was to read a book somewhere quiet.

My mother would always let me stay around her and her friends when I was growing up and so as a result of this I picked up feminine behaviors. I also go a good dose of how rotten men can be. My mother would also criticize me if I used a lot of typical male behaviors, especially butting into conversations. I would get a lecture for a half-hour or so on how this was rude and inconsiderate.

I primarily chose to play with girls, I liked to play imagination-based games. Also, by playing with the girls I was able to play with their dolls and doll houses. Around the time I was seven or eight my parents decided that I needed to learn self-defense so I was enrolled in Judo classes. This did not last long as I was not very comfortable there. I was also made to join the Cub Scouts, which I did until we moved to Lawrence Township. I later had to join the Boy Scouts, but as this interfered with my watching the Donny and Marie show, I bitched and moaned until my mother let me drop out. Also I was not very comfortable hanging out with boys, I didn’t understand them and they most certainly didn’t understand me.

Around the time I was ten, my mother told me that if I didn’t keep my privates washed they would fall off. I stopped washing them because I didn’t like the funny way they felt. I guess I was trying to see if my mother was right, but no they stayed on. Pity. To this day I very seldom touch them.

I started puberty when I was twelve. But I was closer to thirteen when I mentioned to my doctor that I was feeling a stiffness between my legs. I thought I was dying. He tried to explain to me about sex and the differences between boys and girls. I guess I must have looked confused because he recommended a book for me to read. When I started to develop body hair, I really hated my body and very rarely exposed it.

When I was fourteen, I went to a summer camp for two weeks. It was at the camp that I started to become depressed with suicidal tendencies. When I came home I told my doctor and he had me go see a psychiatrist. I was in single and group therapy for two years. The depression seemed to ease a little. My one regret now is that I never mentioned by gender issues with him. Maybe I could have started transitioning earlier. Around this time, I prayed to God every night to make me a girl so that I could be happy.

Around my teen years I liked to sneak into my mother’s closet and wear her shoes and costume jewelry. I would imagine that I was Scarlett O’Hara. Gone with the Wind was and still is my favorite book and movie. I couldn’t wear her dresses though because my mother was a lot shorter than me.

By the time I started High School, I was practically a social outcast. I remember walking past groups of kids and hearing them laugh. High School was something I tolerated.

There was one incident that happened to me when I was in tenth grade. I had to go to the bathroom real bad. I saw a door that I knew was a bathroom, but no sign as to whether it was a girls’ room or a boys’ room. I went in, did not pay attention to the fact that there were no urinals, since I always used a stall. While I was doing my business I heard voices, as a group entered the restroom. I was still not paying attention to what sex the voices were. I finished what I was doing and left the stall that was when I noticed that I was in the girls’ room. There was a bunch of girls there, boy, was I red-faced. I know that they must have kidded me some. I thought I was going to be in a whole mess of trouble, but it was never reported.

During High School, I became interested in painting and drawing and became quite good at them. During my Senior year, my mother had a heart attack around Christmas. I had to take over the cooking of meals for a little while. I was always good in the home economics classes. It was wood shop that was my cross. It would take me six weeks to barely get one wood shop project done. It was during this time that my mother and I found out that my dad had a mistress. He even tried to buy a house for her from the inheritance he received after his mother died. He didn’t have enough on his own and tried to get my mother to help finance it by taking a second mortgage on our house. She refused and he lost the other house. It was around this time that my feelings for my father changed.

That summer also proved to be very eventful. I was accepted into Trenton State College as an art major. My whole Senior year of high school was spent in trying to get me to live on campus. The school was fighting me over the ten-mile radius. I credit my Guidance Counselor for encouraging me to stick with the fight. I was soon allowed to live on campus. My Uncle Patsy was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on his spine. The doctors opened him up to see if they could remove it. They couldn’t so my uncle was scheduled for radiation treatments. It was while he was having this therapy that I found out about Art Therapy. The treatments worked, they shrunk the tumor. But about two months later, we found that the cancer had moved to his liver. My bedroom was next to his, so I could hear him moaning through the night. I started my Freshman year of college and had a difficult time of adjusting at first. Around the beginning of October my uncle went into the hospital for the last time. He died about two weeks later. To this day I still miss him. He was a truly remarkable person.

Around the time I was nineteen, I was feeling that I should have been born a girl. Then, I thought that if God wanted me to be a girl, I would have been born a girl. I felt that I had to accept being born a male. This started me on a period that would be my longest form of denial.

Part 4 - The Later Years

When I was nineteen, I thought that being male was a mistake. Then one night I thought that if God wanted me a female I would have been born a female. This thought cost me many years of suffering. I then tried to act more like a male, but I wasn’t very successful. In my mind’s eye I would still think of myself as a female.

When I was around twenty or twenty-one, an incident occurred which would scar me for a little while. I was working in the college library over the summer. It was during the lunch hour and I was alone in the shelves when I noticed a guy leaving. I did not like the expression in his eyes and I was glad that he was leaving. About five minutes later, he came back and went into the shelves ahead of me. A few minutes later I heard a rustling sound, but I paid it no mind. I went back to the table with an armful of books that I was putting the new checkout labels on when this guy called me over. I went over to him thinking that he wanted me to help him find something.

He asked me if I wanted to get together, I was a little naïve at the time, so he pointed down to his crotch. His erect penis was sticking out. I remember saying no and left. He waited around for a few minutes and tried to get me interested. When this failed he turned around and left.

A few minutes later, reaction set in and I started to feel sick and dirty. I told one of my supervisors about it. She told me to contact the campus police. I did not do this because I felt that they would say I asked for it because of my effeminate demeanor. For the next week, I had to force myself to return to that area of shelving. I would remember this incident for a long time. I regret now, not reporting the incident to the police.

I graduated college in 1988. I then proceeded to get a hourly position for the New Jersey Department of Personnel. I started out in the clerical field.

I was kept in the hourly position for five years when I was made permanent. I stayed with the Department of Personnel for 11 years.

Last year several events came together and I had to make a life changing decision. A few years ago my dad started to have health problems. It was later found out that he had Alzheimer’s Disease. We had to put him in a nursing home, since he would wander off. My mother then lost his pension check. I was not making enough to keep the house going in New Jersey. I was also becoming dissatisfied with my job. I tried to get my department to switch me to another unit. They refused. In August, we put our house on the market. In September, we took the highest offer. I decided on South Carolina.

I visited two of my friends from college there and fell in love with the Upstate. As luck would have it I bought a house on the same street where my friends live.

It took me a while to find a job. I finally took a job in Pizza Hut as a cook. I enjoy working there. It is also great to keep up with people half my age.

During this time I chanced upon a web site dealing with Transsexuality. On this web site there is a test called the COGIATI. It deals primarily with males dealing with transgender issues. I scored as a probable transsexual. But I was not ready to accept this so I looked at printed form so that I could answer more like a male. By doing this I moved up through Androgyne and Feminine Male. I thought I could live with being a male with a strong feminine side, but my innate honesty took over. So I moved back through the categories, back to probable Transsexual. I finally admitted to myself that is what I was. After I became comfortable with that, I took the test again, and scored as a Transsexual.

I am now working on finding a therapist. Hopefully he or she will confirm this diagnosis. I will then have to make a decision where to go then. I trust that God and my feelings will guide me to make the right decision. I finally feel great that I don’t have to try to act like what I am not.

I did start therapy and will be starting on hormones in the next month or so. I did finally start dating and I am in a long-term relationship with a wonderful guy.

As a result of this I have started to assemble my first female outfits. I now how several skirts, blouses and my boyfriend is sewing me a dress. He had to learn how to sew growing up. He is a female to male Transsexual. I will not really describe him, as he is not out to his work. I also several pairs of shoes and panty hose and a few pairs of padded bras. Can’t wait until I don’t need the padding anymore.

It was a real experience for me the first time I put a pair of panty hose on. I have learned that it is easier for me to lie on the bathroom floor and get them on. I am on the small side when I am not erect, and with the panty hose flattening it out, I can achieve a feminine front. Another good tip is the panty hose that develop runs are great for stuffing a bra. They really fill up a C cup padded bra wonderfully.

I have left all my female clothes at his home and the minute I arrive there I get into them. I enjoy wearing them and dread when I have to get back into my boy clothes. I am starting to get comfortable with putting on my make-up. A good book to get is Kevyn Aucoin’s Making Faces. There are two photos of beautiful women who is really the same male.

There are just a few more things and behaviors that I want to acquire before I try to go out in public dressed as a woman. Thank God, I am only 5’7", small-framed. And no Adam’s Apple either, my voice never changed.

It is my hope that my story can help somebody who is currently struggling with these issues realize that they are not alone and to get help. Do not ignore these issues it can only bring unnecessary suffering.

 

 

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© 2001 by Lesley Renee Charles. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.