Birth and Awareness

by Angel O'Hare

 

What was it like to be born and then discovering life?

I was born to two people after a long and troublesome pregnancy. I was to be their fourth child and that is two children to many according to my father. The eldest child in our family is Patty, then comes my fathers pride and joy, Jimmy his first born son and the one who shares his name. The third of our family is Diane, a dark seed by anyone's definition. Now I came along, the biggest mistake and the costliest child they could never have imagined!

My mother was two weeks overdue and in great pain. She was hospitalized for the last month due to various complications, some of her own doing. Painting the interior of a house with lead based paints while being eight-months pregnant is not a smart thing to do, especially in July!

It is now August 30^th; it is approaching midnight and my mother's water breaks. They rush her into the operating room only to have me refusing to leave her womb. It seems I do not want to enter into this world. I want to stay where I am, safe and warm in a dark but comfortable place.

The clock ticks and passes midnight when I am pulled forcibly from my safe place. I do not scream in protest, I do not cry because of pain or discomfort. The first thing the nurses do is to remove me from the room and take me into another. My mother's doctor stays behind to comfort her and to finish what needs to be done to her. Another doctor is next to me and he is doing all sorts of things that I am thankfully completely unaware of.

 

I can smell and hear, I can feel, but I cannot see. Nothing makes sense to me and I really don't care at all. I wonder what the strange intense feelings are, I don't understand what pain is yet, but that is how I came into this world, in extreme pain.

I do not cry out, I do not even move yet. I am awash in feelings and my senses are being overwhelmed. I just lay there and take all these new sensations in. It is then I decide I don't like it out here much and discover I can go back inside. Not back inside my mother's womb, but back inside of me and that is what I do.

Now this is more like it; colors and pleasing sounds, no extreme anything, just comfort and a sense of belonging. A secret type of warmth, I can move within myself, I can see clearly here. I feel so safe and comfortable here.

It ends; the comfort, the warmth, the colors and the sense of belonging all in one instant. There is a bright flash, it invades my being and I scream and thrash about in protest! I am alive in a new world.

I sense a feeling of love and warmth and am comforted as I am held against something soft and warm. I feel pressure on my lips and I begin to suckle. I feel that love, warmth and comfort flowing into me as I swallow. Nearby I feel another emotion, one of dislike and it makes me squirm closer to the warmth and love I am near, I am comforted.

This is so confusing these feelings that invade my senses. There is only one I wish to be near, the others are all bland or hurtful for me to want to sense and feel. At least the one with the most intense feelings of dislike has not invaded my space again.

Once again my senses are being overwhelmed as I am moved about and then outside to a far brighter place! I stop being moved and am being held close by the one I trust to be with. Movement from somewhere, but I am held still by the love and warmth I feel. I am comforted and hear comforting, loving sounds.

My world is invaded once again as I am moved again! I sense others nearby; one is warm and loving like the one that holds me. The others I feel their dislike and even a stronger feeling from another, HATRED! It is so intense this dark and cold feeling that stands next to me! I cry out and cling to the one I trust as best I can.

Time has no place or purpose with me yet. I suckle the warmth, love and comfort, listen and absorb things from my surroundings and those near me. I begin to understand more and more as I sleep and then waken once again to experience more and more. Two people I sense are with me the most. I know their smell, I know how they feel, and I sense their feelings towards me. Love, comfort, warmth and even joy! I giggle, smile and reach towards them whenever I hear or feel them near me.

Three others I try and escape from! When I cannot sense the two loving comforting souls; these dark cold and repulsive souls invade my space. One in particular makes me cry out in distress whenever I sense it! This one causes me pain, both on my body and inside my being. I feel the dark cold hatred and this thing wants me gone!

Why are these things allowed to exist? They do not belong; they are the opposite of what should be! Take them away from me! I do not want these dark beings near me! I cry out for those two I know do belong; most of the time at least one comes at my sound of distress, but at other times they do not come.

When they do not come and I am overwhelmed by the darkness and cold; I go within. The safe comforting place within me, no darkness can follow me here. It is too bright and colorful; it is filled with comfort, warmth and love. No dark and cold beings can invade this place! Here I do not feel their pinches or slaps that sting with the dark force and the coldness that creeps over my body. Here within that does not happen!

It is when I once again feel the comfort, love and warmth from outside that I once again leave my place of safety. I am so happy now I giggle and smile reaching out my tiny hands and arms to be embraced by that love, warmth and comfort! OH YES, this is what matters, this is real and right!

My life exists wrapped in these surroundings changed only by my sleeping and waking. Slowly I am able to do more, I can recognize more and even understand things clearer. I can reach out and hold onto things, I can hold onto something that I put into my mouth and suckle. It isn't as nice as the being I used to suckle from. It is just something that quenches my hunger, emotionless and gives me nothing but what I suckle from it. I feel a sense of loss, an important part of nourishment has been taken away from me.

I used to feel the love, warmth and comfort flowing inside me as I suckled from the one I was suckling from. Now, I feel nothing but a sort of dimmed warmth, a less than before feeling of the love and comfort. I am being held by the same being, but they are distracted by other things as I suckle from this lifeless thing I hold in my tiny hands. I get flashes of that intense love, warmth and comfort, but it is no longer a constant thing. It comes and goes in its intensity.

Oh, but one being is there for me! One of the good beings, one I feel everything from as they hold me as I feed from this thing I hold. It is not the one I suckled from, but the other! I know this beings smell and it is wonderful. This being concentrates on me and resists distractions as I feed giving me their love, warmth and comfort in full measures. I love this being as much and even more than the one I suckled from! The one I suckled from is now distracted by other things more and more.

This other being of love, warmth and comfort spends more and more time with me. The one that had been so powerful in nourishing me with their love, warmth and comfort both externally and internally by giving me nourishment from itself is becoming less and less frequent. I feel them and now see them at measured intervals, but that oneness we shared has now been replaced by them being distracted by other things and thoughts.

There are a few things I can do to gain that gift of oneness for a little longer. I smile, giggle and reach for them and it often works until this being hands me over to the other one I am often with now.

I cringe and resist, crying out in distress when this being tries to hand me off to one of the dark ones! I really scream and fuss if it tries to hand me off to the darkest of them all! I wonder why it tries to do this to me. Why does it give me to the darkness and cold one? The one that delights in my discomfort and seeks to share its darkness by taking away my warmth and love, no comfort is here with this being! It delights in pinching my skin! It delights in giving me sharp slaps to my legs, belly and arms! I learned early that to cry out only makes this being laugh and do it more.

When I am handed off to one of the dark ones now, I know it does no good to fuss at all. It only makes the dark ones seek to destroy my love, warmth and comfort even more! I have learned to immediately go within to my safe place. When I do that, they seem to tire of there dark games and enjoyment. They set me down and leave me be. I learned to wait until I can sense the beings of love, warmth and comfort nearby before I once again leave my place of safety. This way I come from within smiling and giggling, reaching out and receiving what I crave and need from those beings I desire to be with and the ones that desire to be with me.

WHY, WHY, why am I being abandoned by those I desire to be with in this place of harsh smells and cold feelings? What did I do to be left here? My body is wracked with pain, throbbing pain that can take my very breath from me. I feel a stab and my body's pain lessens but it is still there. I seek out those that can give me what I need and crave, but they are not here! I am alone in this place. It is not dark and cold like the three beings that share space with me in that other place. But, there are a few of those dark and cold beings here. I can sense them as they drew near and then pass by. I do sense a few warm and loving beings here as well, but they are no match to the two beings in that other place.

OH NO, one of the dark ones has just lifted me to them and is carrying me away! I decide to go within; it is the only thing to do! But this time it is harder for me as I am being jostled as we move away from other beings.

Oh, more beings are here and they have a feeling of intense purpose I can sense that, I can feel it! I am stripped and tied down. I am stabbed repeatedly in my arms and legs. Something is forced up my nose and down my throat! It hurts the pain is intense! Something is also being forced into me between my legs and that hurts the worse. I try and go within and this time I succeed!

No time, no pain, no darkness nor cold reaches me here. I am as happy as I can be, but I long to be with the two loving, warm and comforting beings I crave. I sense I cannot really grow while I am here within in my safe place. I need to be with the other beings that have that love, warmth and comfort to share freely with me. But, it is safe here and I can ask questions and receive answers and understanding while I am here within. I need to come out to be able to share these things I have learned and to grow. I have to be able to give of myself freely to really live as a being myself. To be one of those beings of light and goodness and not to be one of those beings of cold and darkness I must be able to share and give and grow!

YES! I sense them! The two beings I need so much and I feel their need of me as well! My new knowledge I learned from within are true and I smile, giggle and reach out to hear that wonderful sound of their laughter and sense their love!

NO, NO, don't leave me again! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME AGAIN! I cry out as they fade from my senses as another being tries to comfort me in my distress and utter feeling of loss. WHY, WHY, WHY am I left alone again? How can I grow here? How can I give here? They never ask me for anything here but to be quiet! When I cry out in my despair and feelings of loss and loneliness, I feel these beings dislike of my cries, I hear their words demanding I stop. I go within and they are content. I cannot share my true feelings with these beings that dwell in this harsh place of sharp smells and feelings.

There are others here within me! I can sense their power, their love, their warmth and comforting embrace! It is not like those two beings I long to be near and with. I sense a feeling of belonging with these others. They are not beings, but something else so I ask one and then another, what and who they are.

Oh, they are the ones I will return to someday. I came from where they dwell and now I must live here in this world of solid things. There are things I must do as I share my gifts freely and lovingly with others. Just by my existence in this solid world I am doing things for those others. They will help guide me if I will only listen with my heart and soul and not be distracted easily by outward things that matter little.

This knowledge has given me something I did not have before. I now have a purpose for being here in this solid world with all of its dangers. I need to share the light, the warmth, the love and comfort to those in need! I must keep my ability to sense things from within and use them outward to help those beings in this solid world! But, I still have needs of my own and I still must grow! I need to grow in body, mind and spiritual strength! I need the two other beings to do that! Those that come and go like a bird coming into land to feed and then flying off again to another place leaving me behind.

I feel my body growing stronger; I sense the other beings are happy with me because I am a very quiet being now while I am in pain and discomfort. I have learned that they turn from being lukewarm to one of warmth and happy feelings when I smile and giggle as they draw near me. Hey, even though I am so small and can offer others so little I can at least share my feelings of happiness and joy! I giggle and smile more often and in turn they spend more and more time with me. They are happier now and do their tasks smiling and cheerful. WOW, such a little thing I do and it has such a huge affect!

When things get to be too much such as my body's pain and I become so weak and tired I go within. I go within to be with the others and they freely and lovingly share with me each and every time. The numbers are growing less and less with the others. They are preparing me to meet the One. That is what they call it, the One and only One. I am confused though because I learn that to meet the One; you cannot be of the solid world. You have to have left the solid world to meet the One.

I ponder this deep confusing question during my out time and within time. Between my smiles and giggles, freely sharing the light, love, warmth, comfort and joy I have with other beings of this solid world. I am in great pain again as those beings that feel such sorrow for me as they jab me in my arms and legs over and over again, shooting me with substances that either increase the pain in different ways or dim it to bearable levels. I try so hard not to cry and cause them any pain, but it is so hard to do that! I simply decide to smile and giggle for them and with them as soon as I am able to do that. If the pain is to great I go within and as I slip within myself I feel them comforted that my cries of pain and discomfort stop.

JOY, I feel them coming near me, they are getting closer and closer! The two beings I miss so much are here! YES, they can pick me up and hold me now! No longer am I attached to so many things that have hurt my body so! I have been getting stronger and stronger, the invasion of my body by these needles and chemicals have decreased to be minimal. I now only get things from drinking them. Oh this is wonderful, the feelings these two beings give me as they share holding me and talking to me like they have great news!

YES, I am being moved and the two beings are with me and the two are sharing their tears of joy with me. I feel the warmth and love contained in these tears as they land on my smiling, giggling cheeks. I am crying as well, shedding tears of so much happiness and joy as they bring me to the other place away from this one filled with its sharp smells and confusing feelings.

I am outside in the brightness again, but I also feel a cold bighting wind on my exposed face. How can it be so bright and yet be so cold? This solid world is full of confusing things I will have to come to understand.

OH NO, not the cold and dark beings! OH NO, the coldest and darkest one is here as well. I have learned though, I have learned many things as I was left in that house a pain and healing. Yes, I know about that. How the body must survive to carry on ones purpose and to prepare to meet the One.

I ignore the cold and dark ones as I smile and giggle, wrapped safely in the arms of light and love.

The Walking and Talking

I have gone within many times now and have learned the answers to so many confusing questions. I can walk and say a few words; I can eat solid foods and have better control of my limbs. I can communicate!

The being of light and love that fed me from their own body is called mommy! The biggest dark and cold one is called daddy. The smaller dark and cold one is called Jimmy and the darkest and coldest one of all is called Diane. The other being of light and love for me is called Patty.

I realize that there are many, many stories like mine from when we grow enough to walk and speak. The story's from when we are be able to communicate with words and gestures. That body language and facial expressions also speak for us. So I will end my story here and let you read others stories as you seek to find answers to your many questions just as I still seek them.

Just know that the biggest and most important answers I have learned are these.

It is our purpose in life to live and to share freely with others the gifts we have that we can freely share with them. It doesn't matter what gifts they are, what matters is in the giving! The freely giving of ones self to another is the important thing. Remember the smallest gift and the only gift I could freely give? Do you remember the results of that giving? That tiny small act of a smile and a giggle changed others feelings! Just imagine what we can do to help others by freely giving them the other unique gifts we each have to give and share with them!

I freely give to you all, this story that came from within me. It is a story written with love, joy, comfort and warmth. It is a story I am able to freely share with you because of a gift given to me by the One. The One I shall meet one day soon and hopefully I have served my purpose while I exist on this solid world we all live on and in.

It is the light that has the power over any darkness! It is the free giving act that powers this light while we are here living in the solid world. The only true thing is your true self. Not the solid things, but the invisible ones behind the solid things. Look into a persons eyes and then if you must scan their bodies and what they are wearing. What you see in their eyes is the important things, not the distractions of the coverings or shape of the body!

Beware of the cold dark ones, because all they seek is to take and control you for purposes other than the warmth and light of love. The dark ones only offer solid things with a price you must pay for receiving them. If you need something look towards the light and warmth of love and it will be freely given to you from someone who offers you a solid thing with something extra! That extra is the knowledge that this was shared with you out of love, light and the warmth only the light bearer has for another being. Remember to freely share your gifts what ever they may be with others. You might not realize it at the time, but just a smile and a giggle given with love and the warmth of the light can change people's lives! I know, I've seen it happen many times and that is why I always freely share at least my giggles. Ask anyone that knows me!

The darkness and coldness of those lost in the world of solid wasted lives have no impact on me at all. Let them hoard their gifts for themselves. Let them share their cold dark feelings with each other. Once you are in the warmth of the light, they have no chance to quench it!

Giggle, giggle…and a smile for you all!

Huggles

Angel O'Hare

 

You can freely share this story and post it on any site you wish. It is my gift to you, freely given with love, warmth and comfort, from my true self, written from within to you all.

  

  

  

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