Beware the Zealots

by Karen Michelle

  

Chapter 1: The Discovery

My mom was a very observant parent; she always had been. So the day that I was feeling down about who I was didn't slip past here.

"Jeffrey Rogers" she said as she came in my room, "why are you so down? A boy of 11 getting close to summer vacation should be happy and out playing with his friends. You've been down ever since last night when your sister, Carolyn, got dressed up and went on her date. What's wrong?"

She was absolutely right on the mark as usual. I had to give her that. I had always wished I had her ability to size up a situation.

"I saw how you looked at your sister when she left. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were depressed about yourself, and jealous of her." She continued.

"Oh mother, dear", I thought to myself, "if only you did know. I AM JEALOUS of her. I am NOT happy with who I am. In fact, I wish I were her sister instead of her brother."

She paused, and then continued. Mom was always direct, and she didn't give up when she wanted to get to the bottom of a problem if she perceived there was one.

"Jeffrey, I get the distinct impression that maybe you're not happy with yourself. Is that true? That perhaps, you'd like to be like your sister, instead of yourself?"

"Huh?" I said, trying to ignore her. She was asking direct questions about something I had been trying to conceal for the last few years. I hadn't felt I could "come out".. even though I wanted to. What would she think if I did?

"Jeffrey, don't ignore me, look at me!" She said sternly.

I was lying on my bed trying to think about other things, but this line of questioning was getting difficult to evade. I sat up and looked at her in the face.

"Jeffrey, tell me if I'm off base, but the other month I caught you dressing in my underwear when your father and I came home early from the movies. And then before that, I noticed my underwear drawer was not as I left it. And now, I saw you looking at your sister last night with such a depressed look. And I've noticed how you've been looking at me sometimes. I've seen an envious look in your eye, like you were unhappy. I put all those things together and the thought crossed my mind that perhaps you weren't happy as a boy. Is that true?"

I had tried to hide these feelings so deep inside. For a kid of 11, its difficult to know how to tell your parents. The feelings were so strong. I'd often just think about getting up in the morning, and being a girl; just going out into the world and existing as one. It certainly wasn't the type of thing where I got some weird excitement from dressing in my moms or sisters clothes. When I did that, it was a thing of "being". Doing that allowed me, for a short time, to be the person I felt I was inside. It was all about who I wished I could be in real life all the time. Maybe that sounds crazy for a kid of 11, but that's just how I felt. Mom always said I was mature for my age and was in touch with my feelings.

It's funny how sometimes, despite your best efforts to keep those secret things suppressed, you simply can't do it. I'm not sure what got hold of me, but all of a sudden, I had to tell her the truth. I guess I was just tired of hiding the truth and felt it would be better to tell her, no matter what the outcome.

"Mom", I said hesitantly, "its amazing how you can tell so much about me. You seem to be able to see right through me. You're right. I'm not happy. And I haven't been happy for a few years."

"A few years?" she replied. "How long have you not been happy?"

"I don't know, maybe since I was seven." I replied.

"Not happy, to the point that you wish that you were a girl?", she said, to make sure the question wasn't misunderstood.

"How come you haven't told me before Jeffrey?" she continued.

"Well gee mom, it's not like this is something every kid thinks. Who else thinks this way? I'm probably the only one on this planet. I was nervous even thinking about telling you, about what you'd think. And anyway, what can I do about it? It's not like the magic fairy is going to tap me with the magic wand and make me change. And God certainly isn't going to let me wake up one day a girl. I've tried that one. So what's the point of talking about this? You can't change what you are. Maybe we should just change the subject."

Mom was the problem-solver type, and once she found out about a problem, she didn't leave it alone. She wanted to fix everything.

"Jeffrey, we can't leave this alone. This is a serious problem. I want you to tell me about how you feel, and why you're unhappy. Jeffrey, I want to hear everything, and I'm not going to get mad at you. As you know, I'm pretty open-minded. Yes, this isn't something that ordinarily comes up, but I'm willing to listen. I love you, and I'm your mother. Nobody loves you more than your father and I."

She paused, and then went on.

"And Jeffrey, for your information, you're not THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS EVER FELT THIS WAY. You are NOT the first person. Others have felt this way also, and there IS something that can be done about this problem. That is if something really needs to be done. This is nothing new. Maybe 50 years ago it was new, but not today. This is the twenty-first century, and they have doctors that deal with this problem."

"They do?" I said surprised.

"Yes Jeffrey. You're young, so you may not know about this yet. You're getting old enough to start knowing about sex and these types of things, so I might as well tell you. People that have this type of problem are called transsexuals, and this problem of yours is a known, medical problem. They have doctors that can prescribe hormones to do exactly what you say you want; to change your body from male to female. And they have a "sex change" operation they can perform that will remove your penis and give you a vagina, just like us women."

"They do??" I repeated. I was really surprised.

"Yes they do. I've seen these people tell their stories on TV. I never thought I'd be having this conversation with my son, but yes, this type of treatment exists. And don't get any strange ideas. I'm not saying you can do this, but the medical profession can do this.

She sat down on my bed next to me. I could see she wasn't leaving anytime soon.

"But first, Jeffrey, tell me all about this", she said sternly, "tell me everything."

I looked at her, still a bit nervous. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but I had let the cat out of the bag, and it was obvious she was there to stay. So I began.

"Mom, I can't tell you why, but I've always liked how girls act and look more than boys, and I've always liked being with them more than boys. As friends I mean. Haven't you noticed that before?"

"Yes", she replied, "but I figured you'd grow out of it.

"Well I haven't. Part of the reason is because they're not as rude as boys, and they talk more about personal things, rather than boys, who talk more about things, and not about people. Also I like the way they look more than boys; and I like the way their clothes look; and I like the things they do better than boys' things. I hate going out and playing all the sports that boys play. It's just not me."

"Well, I'll grant you, women do talk more about relationships and inter-personal things than men" she said. "However, as far as sports, there are other boys that don't like sports, and I'm sure they don't feel like they should have been a girl. Are you sure you're just not one of them?"

"No mom. If we're being honest, didn't you hear me say I liked how girls looked more than boys?" I said.

"Yes I heard. What exactly do you mean by that?"

"When I look at boys, or even myself in the mirror, I just don't like the way I look, compared to a girl. I mean, if we're talking about what I think I should be. A girl is so much prettier. Her face, her body, her hair, well everything. I've thought that ever since I was about seven. Everything about her is so much nicer than how I look. And when girls get older, like Carol, well, they look even better. We learned about that in our sex education class, how girls bodies change. Have you ever seen Carol in a pair of jeans? Have you noticed how nicely they fit her? She's wider in the hips, and well, she doesn't have a penis, and her jeans look so much better in the front without one. Her jeans just go down between her legs. And in case you hadn't noticed, girls have breasts, and they make their clothes look so much better. When I saw Carol in her bikini last summer, I got so depressed and jealous, I just wanted to die. I was happy for her that she looked like she did. But I was so unhappy because I'll never stand a chance to look like her."

"Jeffrey, you really dislike your body that much? I mean at a very basic level? You know, just because you're a female, doesn't guarantee that you'll be pretty. I've seem some fairly unattractive girls in my time. Would you still be happy if you were an ugly girl?"

"I've thought about that, mom" I replied. "Yes, being pretty would be nice, but it even goes deeper than that. Mom, I love the way your body, and other womens bodies look. That's why I've stared at you sometimes."

"Yes," she replied, "I noticed that.

"You thought I was "getting a shot", like I was looking at you like some of the kids I know look at a Playboy magazine, but I wasn't." I said.

"If I'm hearing your right, Jeffrey, you were looking at me and were envious of me, is that right? You were wishing you were me. Is that it?" she asked.

"Yes," I continued. "I certainly don't have a body like yours. And even if I were ugly, I'd still be female. I'd have the body so I could just get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and be happy for once with being who I was. Is there anything wrong with wanting to be happy with yourself?".

"No, Jeffrey, being happy is where Dad and I want you to be" she replied.

And I'd be TREATED like a girl. By others; and by you Mom. I've noticed how girls talk to each other. They sure talk to each other nicer than boys do."

"Jeffrey, girls can also be very mean to each other. That's something I bet you haven't noticed" Mom pointed out.

"Maybe so; well I guess there are drawbacks to everything. But I've seen how you and Carol do things, and how Dad and I aren't as close. I LIKE how you are so close with Carol, and I wish I were a girl so you and I could have that same closeness. I just hate the way I look, and I hate that I can't experience what other girls experience with their mothers. I feel like I've been cheated, Mom. Yes, even if I were ugly; even if girls were mean to me; it would still be better than being what I am."

"You're serious about this, aren't you Jeffrey. You really DO want to be a girl, no matter what that means, don't you?"

"Yes mom. It's not totally about being pretty. It is about that, plus what girls get to do, how they are treated, about being with you, and just waking up in the morning and being me. I just simply think I'd be happier."

"Well, Jeffrey" she said as she got up off my bed. "I'm glad I heard what you had to say. I'm not going to get mad. Am I surprised? Well sort of, but now the signals are making sense, to a point anyway. A mothers' job is to hear what her children have to say. You've given me something to think about. I think now it's time to go fix dinner. I'll call you when its time to eat."

"Sure mom" I said as she left the room. Then I turned my radio on loud to drown out my thoughts.

Mom was a great cook, and dinner was great. Before I came down, she had talked to my grandparents and asked if I could spend the night with them. During dinner, she gave me some excuse about wanting to go do something, but I knew what she really wanted to do was discuss this with my father.

My grandparents were there after dinner, and as we left, I saw them go in the house. I could only imagine what they were talking about.

 

*****

"John, we have a problem on our hands that we need to talk about".

"Oh, what's that, Linda?"

"Have you noticed Jeffrey acting differently than other boys lately?"

"Well, I have noticed a general disinterest in things that boys do, but I haven't given it much thought really. Why do you ask?"

"John, I didn't tell you about this, but lately, I've noticed Jeffrey acting funny."

"Funny?"

"Well yes, .. sort of .. feminine".

"Feminine? Jeffrey?"

"Yes. Remember the night we came home from the movie, and I went upstairs and you stayed downstairs? And remember I was upstairs for a bit longer than you expected?"

"Sure, I remember".

"Well, there was a reason I took so long upstairs. Are you ready for this?"

"Hmmm... this sounds like something else.. yeah, I gues I'm ready.".

"The reason I took so long was because I caught Jeffrey in our bedroom".

"Caught him? Doing what?"

"Wearing my underwear, my panties and my bra"

"Jeffrey, wearing your underwear? I'll have to have a talk with him."

"John, calm down. I talked to him and told him I wouldn't tell you about it if he didn't do it again. I figured kids are curious and left it at that."

"Ok, but you're telling me about it. So what happened to make you change your mind? There must be more to this".

"There is. I also saw Jeffrey looking very jealously at Carolyn the other night when she went out, and that jogged my memory. I also remembered him looking at other women, looking them up and down.".

"That's normal, he's a boy, and although he hasn't started puberty yet, his hormones are stirring. Young boys haven't seen women before - I mean not with their hormones going. That's normal for him to stare."

"Yes, I believe that, but this is different. John, brace yourself, you're in for a shock. Jeffrey looked really down the night that Carolyn went on her date, so I went to his room and asked him what the matter was. Want to take a guess at what he said?"

"I don't have a clue, but this must be a good one".

"John, Jeffrey told me he's unhappy with himself. He doesn't like being a boy. He's been doing all these things because he's jealous of females."

"Jealous of females? How?"

"John, Jeffrey wants to BE a female. He wishes he was one of us."

"What!? What are you saying?"

"John, I don't know how to put it more simply than this, but Jeffrey wants to be a girl."

"You're kidding, right? This must just be a phase."

"No, I'm not kidding, John. John, at a very basic, I mean basic level, he doesn't like himself; he hates his body".

"Hates his body?"

"Yes, one thing he mentioned was how women look in jeans.. how they're wider in the hips, and how they have 'nothing in the front' .. no penis. He said he loved the way that looked."

"Well so do I, honey. I love how sexy you look in your jeans, and sometimes, I want to take your pants off."

"Yes, I realize that honey, and I'm glad you like the way I look. But I could tell what Jeffrey wanted was to have a body like mine, so he could wear a pair of jeans like us, and not have a penis, and look like us women look. He doesn't look at women like you do and say, "oh I LIKE that". No, he looks at women and says, 'I wish I had her body'. He told me that."

"Wow, you mean he really hates being a boy that much?"

"That's what he told me."

"Well, it's not natural. We didn't raise our son to be that way. We didn't do anything wrong to influence him like that."

"Yes, you're right, it's not natural. One thing I asked myself is what have we done wrong? And I had to say to myself, nothing. Jeffrey hasn't been allowed to watch sexually explicit things, and we've tried to shield him from things that might influence him sexually. So I had to ask myself, where is this coming from? And since we haven't allowed any influences like this, and since we didn't do anything to encourage it, what conclusion do you think I came to?"

John sat there musing over the words he had just heard, knowing that everything Linda had said was right on the mark.

"Linda, if nothing has influenced him, then these feelings must be coming from HIM."

"Yes, that's the conclusion I've come to also."

They sat there in silence for a few minutes. Then John spoke.

"Honey, this is incredible. I don't know what to say. I can't say I'm happy about this. I mean you only hear about things like this, but here it is in our laps. I always wanted a son. I've tried to do things with him; things my father and I never got to do. I've noticed some of these behaviors you've talked about, but I figured it was curiosity, and Jeffrey would grow out of them. I figured we'd start doing things together as father and son eventually. Now, what you're telling me is that Jeffrey wants to be our daughter."

"John, I know you wanted a son. You've told me about your dad and you, and how your dad was always gone. And I'm proud of you for trying to do things with him that a father does with his son. At least you can say that you've done your best to try to shape him. I've heard it said that boys grow up to be gay or effeminate because of a lack of a male influence. At least we know that isn't the case. If he still has these feelings after you've tried to be a father, and we haven't influenced him, then he must have a basic problem. I'm not saying Jeffrey should or shouldn't become a girl, or that we even entertain the idea. What I am saying is that at this point, we need to put our personal feelings aside and address the issue, because these feelings are obviously coming from him. Don't blame yourself. We're talking about our child here. His feelings need to be considered first."

"Yes, you're right Linda", he said.

"And one other thing, and I don't mean to make this worse, Jeffrey told me that what he really wanted was to be close to me, like a daughter is close with her mother. He feels like he's missing out on being close with me like Carol and I are close."

"He has that much a feeling of being denied?" John asked.

"Yes, that much".

"What are we going to do, Linda?"

"Well, I've been thinking about that, and I think what we need to do is take him for counseling. I never told you this, John, but I had a friend in college who became a woman. We were in a club on campus, and one night after our group had been discussing alternate lifestyles, he broke down and told me that what he really wanted more than anything was to be a woman. I suppose he felt, from the conversation, that I was a pretty open-minded person, which I've always been. We remained friends after college, and he was able to get treatment and eventually had a sex-change operation. I think Anne is living in LA now, and she seems to be very happy."

"Anne Johnson?" John asked.

"That's her."

"She used to be a man?" John asked again.

"Yes. She's a knockout, isn't she?"

"I'll say. I've looked at her a few times!".

Linda laughed.

"I noticed that, let me tell you. I never told you because I didn't want to ruin it for her. And you better not say anything the next time she calls either. She wants to keep her past a secret because she's one of the lucky ones that can live as a woman and people don't know. She's treated just like any other female."

"So you're saying Jeffrey needs to get treatment and become a girl, huh?"

"No", Linda continued, "I'm saying Jeffrey needs counseling. Just because he enters counseling doesn't mean they let him have a sex change, or so that's what Anne told me. In fact, they try to discourage it."

"Well that's good", John said.

"But," continued Linda, "we have a child with a basic problem; a problem that most parents probably don't learn about. Jeffrey needs to resolve this or else it will haunt him for the rest of his life."

"Or her life" my father replied.

"Yes, I guess you could say that. Are you open to that, John? The doctors might tell us something that we're not ready for, or they might tell us that nothing should be done. Either way, we need to resolve this, for Jeffreys sake."

"Yes, I see your point. Wow, this is a lot to deal with. But yes, for Jeffreys sake, we probably need to do something. Why don't you check out doctors to go see. Heck, you might even talk to Anne, since you two have stayed in touch. Maybe she could give you some tips." John said.

"I was thinking that very thing" continued Linda. "And also, I think you and I both need to go see this, whoever it is, doctor, along with Jeffrey. OK?"

John nodded, and the conversation came to an end.

*****

And so the wheels were put in motion. I arrived back from my grandparents, and my mom and dad met me at the door to our house. Carol, my sister was even there. We sat down as a family and had a long talk. Mom had talked with her friend Anne, and Anne had told her about how she had had these feelings at a young age also, and how she wished she could have talked to her parents like we were going to talk now. Anne was also able to tell my mom what kind of a doctor to seek out. Mom had made the appointment. We were to go see the doctor the next day.

  

  

Chapter 2: Meeting with Dr. Rachel

The next day, Mom, Dad, and I all piled in the car and we went to see Dr. Rachel Williams. Mom told me that she was a therapist, who saw and evaluated people who felt as I did. Mom told me that what we wanted to do was to see what suggestions this doctor could offer to try and solve this problem, either for being a girl, or against it. She told me I had to be open to the idea that the answer to my problem might to not become a girl, or it might be that I needed to become a girl. I agreed, and so here we were at Dr. Williams office.

"Well, Jeffrey" Dr. Williams said, "that's a big story from an 11 year old. You should feel lucky that your mom and dad had the courage to allow you to come here. A lot of parents can't acknowledge something like this and the child doesn't get to come and talk to anybody about these feelings until they're out on their own, at age 18. You have very special parents."

"Yeah, I guess so" I replied. "Mom said we needed to come here and talk to you, to see whether I can become a girl. So can I?"

"It's not that simple, Jeffrey. The point of this meeting was not to let you immediately become a girl. While my job is to evaluate people's gender issues, and to see if they're candidates for sex reassignment, I don't just do this immediately. This is something we need to take our time with and make sure that we're making a good decision. Sometimes that decision is to not do anything at all, and sometimes the result of these meetings is to recommend treatment. But we don't do it on the first meeting.".

Being impatient, I thought she meant no.

"However, Jeffrey, you've related some feelings that are pretty basic feelings. They can't be discounted, and I think they do need to be explored."

"So you're saying I can be a girl?" I chimed in.

"No, I'm not saying that either. Not immediately anyway. Let me finish. What I'm saying is that we need to explore this. You've certainly related feelings that other transsexuals have said many times. And not having been influenced, as your mom and dad mentioned, these feelings are genuine. We need to take some time to allow you to explore them. You need time to experience, to an extent, life as a girl, so you can decide if you like it. Then, if you really feel more comfortable with that, then we can do something about it. But we have to be sure we're making the right decision."

"Jeffrey" my dad broke in, "If I'm hearing the doctor right, what the doctor is saying is for you be given some time to do things with your mother, and to be with her more, to experience some of the things that girls get to do, to be treated more like a girl, and to see if you REALLY like it. Am I hearing you correctly, Dr?" Dad asked.

 

"That's correct Mr. Rogers. I'm not saying that we go full-throttle into this thing. Rather, I'm saying let's explore this. Let Jeffrey be treated like a girl, and see how he likes it."

"What if I do like it?" I asked.

"Well, with a trial period behind us, and if we've exhausted every other option, then we'll consider prescribing treatment.".

"Doctor" mom asked, "when this starts, won't you prescribe hormones for Jeffrey? One thing that has been bothering me is that Jeffrey hasn't started puberty yet. He's 11, almost 12, and his body hasn't started changing yet. You've outlined hormone treatments as part of this therapy, and you've told us that when Jeffrey takes these hormones, his body will grow in a natural female way, allowing his face to change, his breasts to grow, in short to have as normal a female development as possible. I'm wondering if he starts that, and we decide this isn't for him, how do we undo these changes? I don't want to do something rash that we'll regret later."

"Oh well that's an excellent question. You see, right now, I'm going to prescribe a testosterone blocker. It's not a female hormone per-se, but it will block the masculinizing effects that his normal hormones would have on his body. We can continue this regimen for about 3-18 months with no real harm. If we decide that this isn't right for Jeffrey, we simply discontinue these hormones, and his body develops the way any boy's body develops. These drugs just delay things. In this initial phase, we don't recommend female development. Jeffrey is lucky he's coming to us now. He's young enough where we can temporarily delay the onset of masculine development. If we decide he needs to undergo further treatment, he won't have to overcome development of male characteristics which occur from testosterone, such as a lowered voice, or facial hair, and other problems. And if we get to the step where female hormones are prescribed, I suspect he will develop 100% along female lines.".

"So this can all be undone, at least in the early stages" mom continued.

"Absolutely," Dr Williams answered. "I wouldn't be a responsible physician if I didn't take into consideration that people can change their minds. No, at this point, we shouldn't have a problem."

Then Dr. Williams looked at me.

"Well, Jeffrey, if it's ok with your mom and dad, I think what you have told me warrants exploration. You've definitely told me things that say that you need to try out what it's like to be a girl. Are you willing to do that?"

"So I can't be a girl, yet, is that what you're saying?" I replied.

"Not completely, no. We want to make sure your feelings are strong enough so that if we prescribe hormones that will let you live as a female, that we're doing the right thing."

"Yeah, it's ok with me" I said. "This is a first step, huh Dr. Williams?"

"Exactly, Jeffrey. Let's see how it goes".

And so with that, Dr. Williams wrote out a prescription, and instructed my Mom and Dad that I was to be given a 3 month trial period, to see what it was like to be treated as a girl, to see if I liked it, and if I NEEDED to be treated as a girl. I must say I was happy to hear that, and a little disappointed too. However, I guess a journey begins with a first step, so I was going to take what I could get.

 

 

Chapter 3: The Trial Period Begins

The next day was Saturday, and mom woke me up early. She came into my room with a glass of water and some pills, and sat down on my bed.

"Good morning, honey. Wake up. I want you to take this."

I sat up and looked at her holding the glass of water and the pills in a small paper cup.

"Are those my hormones?" I asked.

"Yes indeed Jeffrey. You need to take these every day to do what Dr. Williams said. They'll keep your body young for right now".

"I wish I had pills that would turn me into a girl." I said.

"Not so fast. We need to take this one step at a time. For right now they'll just stop you from developing into a man, so if you need to become a female, that can happen. Be patient Jeffrey. Now hurry up and take these and go get a shower. We have a lot to do today."

"We do?" I said?

"Yes we do young lady."

I looked at her when she said that.

"What are you looking at me like that for?"

"Young lady?" I questioned.

"Yes, young lady" mom repeated. "You said you wanted to be treated like a girl, and the doctor said you need to experience that, right?"

I shook my head yes.

"Well, you better watch what you wish for, because that's exactly what's going to happen. Not only are you getting to take these hormones, but Dad and I both agreed that around the house, at least, we're going to treat you just like you say you want to be treated, like our daughter. So time's wasting. We have things to do, you and I, and I need you to get up and get ready."

"What sorts of things?" I asked.

"Well, there's housework to do, and then if we get all that done, I thought we'd do some shopping. Maybe buy you some clothes."

Mom paused.

"Some female clothes" she added as she looked directly at me.

"Me? Wear female clothes, like a dress?" I said half-shocked.

"Yes Jeffrey. If you're going to experience life as a female, I want you to experience it in as many ways as possible. I'm going to treat you as a mother would treat her daughter. We're going to do things together. But if you're going to be my daughter, Dad and I both agreed we want you to look like a girl too, and that means you need to wear clothes for a young female. Are you ok with that? I mean, YOU are the one that started all this. If you can't deal with this, how are you going to deal with what comes along later?"

She had a point; mom always did.

"It's going to be strange, I mean going shopping for girls clothes, and wearing them" I said.

"Not too strange, honey. You have worn my clothes, and your sisters' clothes, right? You must have liked it or else we wouldn't be where we are right now." She retorted.

"Yes, I DID like it" I admitted to both of us. "I did like wearing Carols, and your, panties. And mom, I've even tried on some of Carols' tops, pants, and dresses."

"Well there you go. At least we're being honest. Today we're going to do some housework as mother and daughter, and then we're going shopping for you."

"Mom," I asked. "What are the kids going to say at school?". I mean, what if they see me in the store? And are you going to make me wear the clothes out in public? I've never told any of the kids I know about this."

"Jeffrey" she said gently, as she sat down on the bed, "do you want to become a girl with all the things that goes along with it?"

"Yes" I said as I sighed.

"Well honey, nothing good comes without some pain, and some work. I'm sure some of the kids won't understand. But we're not talking about making THEM happy, we're talking about YOUR happiness. You need to do whatever it takes to be happy, to find out who you are. And if that means you have to wear girls clothes, and they laugh at you, or if you start developing like other girls, and they start laughing at you, won't it be better in the end when your body changes completely and you get to become the girl that you're telling us you want to be so badly?"

"Yes" I said in a resigned tone. "It would be all worth it then".

"I thought you'd say that. Honey, you're going to have to go through some things. But remember, Dad and I are with you all the way. Now take a shower, and come downstairs."

Mom left the room, and I went and got in the shower. When I got out, I went to get dressed. On my dresser was a note, and some clothes. Girl clothes!

"Jeffrey, here are the clothes I want you to wear today." Mom had written. "These are Carols clothes I saved and hadn't gotten rid of. Put them on and come down. Love, Mom."

There, staring me in the face, was a top, a pair of slacks, socks, and.. a pair of panties. PANTIES! It was hard to imagine my mother was actually letting me wear them, and yet here they were. I put them on slowly, looking at them as I pulled them up. No flap in the front. I knew why they were made this way, because girls didn't have anything in front. As I pulled them up, I tucked my penis between my legs. I stood there for a moment reveling in the experience. I went to the mirror in my room and looked. "Oh, if I could only look this way all the time" I thought.

I went downstairs, and Mom was waiting for me.

"Ok, Jenny, we need to clean the bathroom, do some laundry, and then straighten up the house. Come on, I'll teach you how to clean the bathroom first."

"Jenny?" I asked, and "clean the bathroom?"

"Honey, if you're going to be my daughter, then you need to have a female name. Jennifer Allison was what I was going to name you had you been born a girl, and since you say you want to be one, I don't see why I can't use it now. How do you like it?"

"Jennifer Allison" I repeated. "I .. like it .. mother. It's a nice name. Jennifer" I said repeating the name.

"Good. You'll get used to it" she replied.

"Mom" I asked. "Is it ok if I call you mother? I mean, I like how that sounds. It makes me feel, well, closer to you".

"Of course it's all right. It's normal for a daughter to refer to her mother that way. Now, are you ready to do some housework Jennifer"?

"I guess so", I said. "But the bathroom? That's kind of gross."

"True, but someone has to do it, and we girls are usually the ones who have to tackle this job. Men usually do things around the house like work on the car, or fix things. We women don't have to do those types of things, and we get to do the housework. Would you rather do what your father does?" mom asked.

"No, not really" I said.

"Well, then you're going to be expected to help me then and learn to do the things expected of a daughter, just like Carolyn is expected to do."

And so, we tackled the bathroom. While it WAS gross, I knew I was being introduced to a side of things I hadn't seen before. And, despite the fact that we were working on gross stuff, I liked being with my mom. I ENJOYED doing this with her.

After the chores were done, we sat down for a minute.

"Well, Jennifer, that's all done. Now we can go reward ourselves with a little shopping. Are you ready to make a trip to the mall as Jennifer?"

"I guess so" I replied. "I'm a little scared, though, about what people are going to think".

"Don't be, honey. I think I know what I can do so people don't look at you too much."

With that we went upstairs into her bedroom. She had some other clothes laid out for me on her bed, and she proceeded to take off her clothes which were stained from cleaning. She then selected another pair of jeans and a top, but before she put them on, I saw her standing there in just her panties and bra. I looked at her. She was letting me into her inner circle. I was getting to see her in a way I had never seen her before. A way that only a DAUGHTER gets to see. She noticed at once.

"Jennifer Allison, what are you looking at?" she said mildly.

"You, mother. I like how your body looks so much. You're beautiful.".

"Well thank you, honey" she said. "I'm glad you don't see all my flaws. This is just how we women look in our underwear. Nothing special."

"Nothing special?" I thought to myself. I hated the way I looked. I loved the way she looked. I wished I could experience being like her right then.

"It is to me" I said coming back to reality.

"Well Jennifer, it won't be, if you and we decide you need to become a girl. Look honey, this is what you'll look like."

And with that, she deftly took off her panties and bra, and put them in her dirty clothes hamper and went to her dresser to get a fresh pair. But before she put them on, she came over to me.

"Here, honey, feel my breasts, touch them." She said softly.

I did, and then I looked at my chest in disgust.

"You wish you had breasts too, don't you honey?" she said tenderly.

"Yes" I said, crying softly.

"And you wish you looked like me down here, don't you?" she said as she turned my head and had me look at her pubic area.

"Yes" I repeated.

"Well, we're exploring that possibility, right? Don't worry Jennifer, things will work out. This is just how we girls look. I can see how much you want to be one of us. My body is, well, it's just female. And don't get depressed. At least we're looking into this. And if things do work out, one day you'll grow your own breasts too. So come on, we need to leave so we have some time to do some shopping, us girls that is."

And with that, I got out of my clothes and into another pair of pants and a top.

I could tell the clothes mom had selected for me were pretty neutral in appearance. A boy or a girl could wear them, so it was obvious mom was thinking about how I'd look, and that others wouldn't think much about them. But, the important thing was that I knew that what I was wearing was girls' clothes. And, I knew mom was with me. She had shown me herself, and I had NEVER seen that as Jeffrey. I was glad mom and dad were on my side. Then she sat me down at her vanity and put some makeup on me, and some lip gloss. It wasn't much, but it was enough to make me feel like a real girl.

"There, you're ready. How do you like the makeup?" she asked.

"I like it" I answered.

"Good. It won't be enough to draw attention to you, but I want you to learn to wear it if you're going to be my daughter. Now I guess we're ready to go, so let's get out of here".

And with that, we hopped in her car and off we went.

While at the mall, mom bought me a whole bunch of clothes. She had already measured me at home, so she knew my size. Pants, tops, panties, T-shirts. I got a few looks as I tried everything on, but mom was with me, and that was enough to make people keep whatever they were thinking to themselves.

When we got home, mom told me to go upstairs and put all my clothes away. As I walked into my room and opened my drawers and closet, I noticed that they were empty. I put everything away, then I went downstairs.

"Mom, what happened to my clothes?" I asked.

"What do you mean, honey? Didn't you just put them away?" she replied.

"No, I mean my other clothes" I asked.

"Honey, I took them all out of your closet. You're a girl inside, or so you've told me. And if that's the case, girls don't wear clothes like that. That's why I bought you all these clothes, so you'd have something proper to wear".

She paused.

"Unless you're changing your mind" she said. "I mean, we could take them all back. . . JEFFREY".

I stood there and thought. When she ended her sentence and emphasized my male name, implying that if we did take everything back, things would go back to the way they were. I wanted to be a girl so much, and I knew if I let that happen, mom wouldn't ever believe me again if I told her I wanted to be a girl. I knew I couldn't let that happen.

"No, mother," I said. "I don't want you to do that."

And with that, life for me began at home as a female.

  

  

Chapter 4: Summer vacation – The Journey Begins

I guess it was good that I told my mom and dad I wanted to be a girl when I did it. School had let out and I didn't have to put up with kids saying anything for the summer while I had my first experiences as a female.

Mom had made it very clear that during this trial period, I was to dress and act as a girl 24x7. While dad was behind me, he had left it mostly up to her since she knew best about female things. After all, she was one! In return, they both agreed they would treat me as their daughter. Mom had told me the best way to learn something was to do it as much as possible, and all the time was about as "much as possible" as you could get.

One of the first things mom made me do was get my hair cut in a female style. Mom and dad hadn't been thrilled that I had my hair long as Jeffrey, but now that this was happening, mom saw the benefits of this immediately.

"I suppose you wanting to have your hair long was more than just making a statement, hmmmm, Jennifer?" mom asked one morning.

"Yes it was, mother" I replied. "It was my way of holding onto being a girl, in my own way."

"Well, today you're going to do more than just hold onto it, I'm going to take you and get your hair cut as a girl should have it cut. How does that sound?"

"A little frightening I suppose" I said pausing, "and exciting all at the same time."

"Nothing to be afraid of Jennifer. Carolyn, your sister, needs her hair cut and styled, so I was going to take you both to the salon and have you both done properly. So, she and I will be with you. I'll bet nobody will say anything. They'll be too busy looking at fashion magazines or talking to their friends."

"Carolyn's coming with us?" I asked.

"Of course", mom replied. "She has to get used to you as her sister some time, and for her, she needs to be around her sister 24x7, just like you need to be living as my daughter 24x7. And while she's been here as we've gotten started in this adventure, she hasn't been going with you and me like a sister normally would. I had a talk with her last night, and she agreed it was a good idea. So today, if it's ok with you, I'll make an appointment at the salon and we'll get your hair cut and styled like a daughter should have it."

"Well, mom, I did say I liked the way girls have their hair, didn't I?" I answered.

"Yes you did, Jennifer, and now you're going to get to experience it."

"Ok, make the appointment".

"Good. You go change your clothes, and tell your sister that we're going to go. I told her I wanted to talk to you first, and after that I'd make the appointment. I want both of you girls to be ready when it's time."

"What should I wear? I've never been to a beauty salon before." I asked.

"You're only going to the salon, and you're only 11, so just regular clothes. . pants and a top will be fine. Now go!"

As I walked out of her room, I heard her making the phone call. The owner of the salon was her best friend. In fact, she had known Janet, the owner, since grade school, so mom knew she could probably get an appointment pretty quick on short notice.

*****

"Hello, Janet?" mom said over the phone, "this is Linda, your best friend! Remember how I said the other day that I might need some cuts and styles today on short notice? Well, my two girls need their hair cut. Can you work me in?"

"Your two girls?" mom heard over the phone.

"Yes, Janet. How about setting me up with two appointments and I'll tell you about it when we get there."

"OK, you've got it. How does an hour sound?" Janet replied.

"Fine. We'll talk when we get there."

*****

As I was getting ready in my room, I heard a knock at the door.

"Come in" I said.

With that, the door opened, and in walked my sister, Carolyn, looking good as she always did.

"You ready to go yet, Jeff . . er, I mean Jennifer?" she asked. "You know mom, she'll want to leave on time."

"I'm getting there" I said looking at her. She did look very nice in her clothes, but then she had the assets to make anything look good. She noticed right away I was looking at her.

"Well get moving, and why are you looking at me that way? Jealous? And the answer better be yes. I don't want any sister of mine "wanting me".

"Yes, I am jealous" I said.

"Well, you're getting your wish. So, you never know. You might end up looking better than me. Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Well, maybe you could help me with my makeup" I said as I finished zipping up my pants. "I still haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet."

"Yeah, that takes awhile. I remember it was a learning experience for me too. Looks like you're ready other than that. Come on in my room and I'll help you."

We got up and went in Carolyns' room, and I sat down in front of her vanity. She started applying some foundation to my face.

"Carol, you make it look so easy!" I said.

"Well, Jen," she said "I've just had about five more years of practice than you. I wear makeup every day. You'll get it if you keep doing it every day too." Then she paused in thought.

"What is it?" I said as she sat there thinking.

"It's just still hard to believe that you want to be my sister. I mean, I always wanted a sister, but this is taking some getting used to" she said.

"You hate me then", I replied, taking it as a rejection.

"No.." she said. "It's just a bit difficult to imagine you as my sister right now. Mom said that if you continue, you'll develop just like her, me, and other girls. I think if it gets to that point, it'll be a lot easier. There, the foundation is on. You need to put some lip gloss on, but otherwise, you're ready. Like it?"

I put some lip gloss on, and then sat there looking at myself in her mirror. It was just foundation and lip gloss like mom had put on me before, but the feeling of getting to be a girl and being my sisters' sister was giving me a warm happy feeling all over.

"Definitely" I answered, and then got up and gave her the biggest hug I had ever given her before.

"What's that for?" she asked.

"For trying to understand and being my big sister." I said.

As we hugged, silent words passed between us. As we separated, mom came in.

"Are you two girls ready?" she asked.

"Yep, Jen's all ready, mom" my sister chimed in.

"Good, let's go. We'll get our hair done and then see what happens after that."

And with that, we left the house and went to the salon. Mom and Janet were very close and mom explained what was going on. Janet didn't question mom's decision, but just commented that it was a good idea that under the circumstances, I should get to explore things. And with that, I got my first haircut as a girl. When I got done, it was in a shoulder length cut, and there was no mistaking that I was telling the world that I was a girl. And while I wasn't a striking beauty, the haircut along with the makeup, and the fact that I was only 11, helped to create the illusion that this is exactly what I was.

*****

After getting my hair done, mom and dad decided that Carol and I should do some things together as sisters, to give me more experience as a girl. Carolyn was 16 and driving, so Dad told her she needed to use that drivers license and take me some places and do some things as sisters.

We went to the zoo, to the mall, to the movies, and to the local amusement park, where we got our pictures taken in one of those picture booths where you stick your tongue out and do silly things as sisters. Carol even won me a big teddy bear.

"Every girl needs a Teddy Bear" she said as the guy at the booth handed the bear to me.

It was a lot of fun, being with her. I had never seen that close side of her before, and I was glad I was seeing it.

*****

A couple of more weeks had gone by, and mom had taken us back to the salon to get our hair retouched. That night at dinner, dad did a double-take.

"Wow, Linda," he said "it's amazing. Jeffrey looks like a girl".

"Well, that's the point, isn't it dear, and remember, her name is Jennifer."

"Oh yea, sorry about that, guess that was a Freudian slip there. I haven't totally gotten used to the idea yet. It's amazing how a haircut and some makeup can make the difference. If I wasn't paying attention and saw her, I'd think she was just a young girl."

"That's what we're trying to do, dear" mom repeated. "We want to make her look just like any other girl so people don't stare."

Then dad turned to me and started talking.

"Well, Jennifer, how do you like being a girl? Is it everything you thought it would be?" he asked.

"Hmmm.. I don't know about everything, Dad. I mean, I haven't exactly gotten to experience a lot of things." I answered.

"True, but you have gotten to do some things, like go places with your sister. How do you like what you've gotten to experience so far? Is this something we need to continue?" he added.

"It's hard to explain, dad" I replied. "I've really enjoyed being Jennifer, and being with mom and Carol, and doing things with them."

"Moreso, say, than with me?" Dad asked, making me feel cornered.

"Gee Dad, it's not like I hate you or anything. I just don't like doing guy things that much, and I just don't like who I am. It's nothing against you. I DO enjoy being with mom and Carol and doing things with them. The shopping has been fun. And I had so much fun going places with Carol."

I looked at Carol and gave her a smile.

"I liked it too, Dad," Carol came in, "having a sister I mean."

"Being able to be Jennifer instead of just wishing," I continued, "well it has made me happy. I'm getting to do what I knew I needed to do. And being with mom as Jennifer, well .. yes .. I have liked it better than as Jeffrey."

Dad paused and selected his words carefully.

"So you like dressing in girls clothes, then" he continued.

"Dad, she's a different person," said Carolyn, coming to my defense. "It's not hard to see that, especially since I've done things with her. When we're together, like at the amusement park, she let out who she really was, and that's a girl. Dad, if you were a woman, you'd understand what I'm talking about."

I could tell that Carolyn was seeing who I really was, and I was seeing the loyalty and bond that a girl has for her sister.

"Let her tell it, Carolyn" dad said firmly.

"Dad, it's not just wearing girls clothes" I countered. "It's about being with mom, and Carolyn. It just feels so much more natural. I don't have to think about who I am. It's about being Jennifer, and BEING YOUR DAUGHTER, AND NOT YOUR SON. Dad, I need to be your daughter. It's how I feel, and I can see that after doing things with Mom and Carolyn. You're not disappointed with me, are you?"

"I don't know if disappointed is what I'd choose to say. Yes, I wanted a son, but I see how you've been when you're with your mother. And even though it hasn't been that long, it's obvious that this is what is making you happy, so I'll just say, I'm getting adjusted. It is amazing that for a child of 11, you are so in touch with your feelings."

"Well, these feelings have driven me crazy sometimes. It's hard not to know how you feel. Mom and you have taught me to be honest with myself. That helped. And the doctor has told me the same thing. So maybe it's not so amazing that I'm facing this. Besides Dad, you have told us in the past, if there's a problem to be handled, do it. Right? Like our schoolwork. Don't ignore it, but face it and get on with it."

"Yes, I do seem to remember telling you that. Nothing gets solved unless you "take the bull by the horns" as I recall were my words."

"Exactly dad.. see I have heard what you've said, even though you didn't think so" I replied.

"Well that's good." He said. "I guess we'll just have to see how this plays out."

And with that dinner was over. Dad went in the study and turned on the TV while Mom, Carolyn, and I did the dishes. This was getting to be a nightly ritual. Mom said it was good training, especially if I was going to be a girl. After that, Mom told me to go into the study and watch TV with Dad. I think she realized he was feeling a little left out.

"Can I sit here with you and watch the TV, daddy?" I asked.

Dad turned around, surprised I had said that, and yet happy that I was there.

"Sure you can!" he said with a smile. "You're just in time for a scary movie.. The Mummy's Hand. Ever see it?"

"I don't think so, is it good?"

"Carolyn, Linda" dad called to my sister and mother, "why don't you two come in and join me and Jennifer and watch this scary movie? It'll be fun."

"Carolyn and I are busy," mom replied "but you two watch it. I'll make some drinks for you."

Mom knew what Dad needed – to be included. We sat there and watched that old movie and loved every minute of it together.

  

  

Chapter 5: The Wedding

One thing about living in a neighborhood that's older is that there aren't a lot of kids your own age to be with. The disadvantage there is that you don't have kids to hang out with. However, the advantage is that you also don't have a lot of kids that will hassle you. And so far, things had gone pretty smoothly. The neighbors kept pretty much to themselves, and I'm not even sure that they realized that I wasn't my parents' daughter. It also helped that we had just moved into this neighborhood early this year, in mid school year, so the winter months had been upon us, and everyone pretty much kept to themselves.

However, that didn't mean that we didn't have friends. It just meant that we didn't have close friends where we lived.

Before we moved, we had developed a fairly close group of friends at the church we attended. And, since we hadn't moved that far from where we lived previously, we still attended the same church, although we hadn't been regularly attending since everything began with me. Mom, although not ultra-religious, thought that it was important that we have a religious upbringing, so that we could know all the facts about our faith, and make up our own minds about this when we got older.

So, it wasn't surprising that mom came home one day and announced that we were going to a wedding.

"Mary Ellen Jones is getting married at the church this weekend. We've known their family for a long time. I just wanted to remind you that we said we'd go" Mom said, looking at the invitation she had received a couple of months ago.

"Sounds good to me, dear" dad said as he was reading his paper. "I haven't forgotten. That'll give me a chance to break in that new suit you bought me for my birthday."

"Good, dear, and that also means that Jennifer and Carol and I need to go shopping again. You know, Jennifer has never attended a formal event before as a female, and I think this would be an excellent opportunity to see that side of being a girl. Don't you agree, honey?" she asked Dad.

"Every day is a good opportunity to experience this, or so you've said. That's why Jennifer is living this 24x7." He replied. "How much do you think this 'opportunity' is going to cost me?"

"Don't look at it that way, dear," mom countered. "This is an investment in Jennifers' life."

"Ok.." dad retorted. "How much do you think this investment will cost me?" he said as he chuckled.

"Hmm.. dress, underwear, shoes, purse, hat.. maybe $250 for Jennifer. I think Carol and I might already have something formal we can wear."

"Well, Linda, it's a good thing I have a good job. That's allowed you to stay home with the kids all these years and do everything you do – especially the shopping" he said mildly jabbing mom.

"Well dear" mom came back, "don't complain too much. Your job has also allowed me to keep myself the way you like to see me. Clothes aren't cheap, ESPECIALLY what I wear on those NIGHT TIME ROMPS! Looking good isn't free you know."

They both laughed. One thing about mom and dad, they certainly had a healthy sex life.

Then dad looked up at mom and said..

"'Use every opportunity'.. I believe that's what the doctor told us when we were there, wasn't it?" dad asked mom.

"Yes, John" she answered. "That's all I'm trying to do here."

"Ok, have fun. It'll be interesting to see how Jeff.. I mean Jennifer likes wearing a dress."

"Well," mom replied "it's more than just wearing a dress. This wedding will be a social experience. Women tend to talk amongst themselves to begin with, and at a wedding even more. But if this is like what we've seen from her so far, I think she'll like it."

And with Dads blessing, mom rounded Carol and me up and we went shopping again.

Mom told Carol and me, while at the boutique, that marrying someone with a good income allowed her to stay home with us. It gave her options. One of which was to have enough money so that she could run the house and be a stay-at-home mom. One of the things that brought was that she could take us shopping with her on a Wednesday.

"It's not that you wouldn't marry someone if you thought you loved them and they didn't have a lot of money," she said, "but a man with a good education and a good job brings some benefits. We're out shopping on a Wednesday, when there aren't a lot of people at the stores since they all have to work."

"Does that mean I can get married and skip college, mom?" asked my sister Carol.

"Don't even think about it!" mom retorted. "You need an education in case you don't get married right away and you have to be on your own. And, you need to know what an education is all about so you can judge how educated, or not, your potential mate is."

I heard what mom said, but at the same time, I was looking at the dresses hanging up on the rack, thinking about how pretty they were.

"Here, Jennifer" mom said, bringing me back to reality, "Let's try these on."

Mom had elegant taste. She had selected some simple, but classic dresses, and we went into the dressing rooms to try them on.

After being at the mirror for awhile, mom selected a white linen sleeveless summer looking dress, accessories, shoes, hat, a matching purse, a full slip, some silk panties, and a training bra.

The clerk behind the counter looked me over. While she didn't want to be nosey, she was somewhat curious, even with my hair styled, and wearing foundation as I was doing every day.

"That'll be $175.94" she said. "Are those clothes for HER?" she said to my mother.

"YEEEEEES," my mom replied with a slight leer at the salesgirl, who promptly broke off her stare and dealt with mom directly.

*****

"Mom, she was staring at me in there" I said as we drove away.

"That's to be expected, honey. While your makeup and hair does a good job at letting you be Jennifer, and even though you're only 11, and not yet gone through puberty, the hair and makeup don't hide everything. That's good that you saw that. Not everyone will approve of what we're doing. I imagine you'll see more of that if we continue."

I sat there and thought about what she said. I knew I could stop all this and that would stop the staring. But I also knew if I did stop, I'd go back to being miserable like I was before.

"I'll deal with it, mom" I replied. "Like you and dad have said, you have to be true to yourself."

"Good honey" she answered. "I'm glad you're listening to our advice."

*****

The day of the wedding came and we started getting ready about 5 hours before the wedding. Mom had made appointments for us at the salon early in the morning, and we had all gotten our hair touched up, and our nails done. While I didn't have long nails, mom had the lady buff them and put a clear coat of polish on them. Definitely feminine.

When we got home, mom had me come in her room and had me take a shower in her bathroom. Mom gave me a bath wash to use and when I got out, I must confess I felt and smelled wonderful. She had also instructed me in how to shave my legs and told me no girl ever went out to a formal event with any amount of hair on her legs. It just wasn't what women did. When I got out of the shower, I smelled so good, and my body was silky smooth. Laying there on the toilet were the silk panties, the training bra, and the slip. I stared at them for a few minutes thinking I had never worn a bra or slip before, then went for it.

The panties weren't totally foreign, after all I had been wearing panties for over two months now. However, they were silk, and the feeling of them against my body was ecstacy. They were so smooth, and they felt so good. They weren't anything like the cotton ones I had worn so far. I stood there enjoying how they made me feel.

Next, I stood there looking at the training bra. That was something I had never experienced before. I looked at it laying there, then picked it up. It was beautiful. Mom came in on me and saw me standing there holding it.

"Honey, what are you looking at? That bra isn't going to bite you, you know."

"I know, but I've never worn one of these" I said looking at her.

"Honey, you're getting all dressed up for a special occasion. I thought this would be a good time to experience the entire thing. Here, let me help you on with it."

And with that I put my arms through the straps and felt her fasten it in the back.

"Look at yourself, Jennifer. How do you like it?" she asked.

I stood there looking at myself. It was just a trainer, and I had nothing to put into it, but I was wearing a bra. I stood there turning side to side.

"Oh mother, I like how it looks on me. I like how it feels. Is it really ok that I wear it?" I asked.

"I can see that you like it" she said. "And yes, it is ok. Girls eventually have to wear bras, and I thought this would be a good time for you to wear your first one. But we don't have a lot of time so don't stand there and look at yourself too much. You need to finish getting ready."

With that moment over, I next put the slip on. It was a full body affair, and like most slips, it was made of a very slick feeling material. It had a ruffle at the bottom and came down just above my knees. The material felt wonderful against my smooth body.

After I got the slip on, I came out into mom's bedroom. Mom told me to stand in front of her full length mirror. As I looked in the mirror, the funniest thing happened. I saw myself, but somehow, I saw a girl looking back. I don't know how that happened, but it was like someone else was looking back at me. It really startled me. It was like a different person, and yet me, was looking back.

"How do you like the way you look, honey?" she asked.

"I look.. wonderful." I said slowly.

"You looked surprised just now when you looked in the mirror, how come?" she asked.

"I don't know; it's strange. It's like I'm seeing someone else." I answered. "Like someone else is looking back at me".

Mom didn't say anything for a second. I could see she was thinking about what I had just said. Then she spoke.

"I guess you're just seeing the inner you coming through."

Mom didn't say anything more about it, but I could tell she made a mental note about it. Then she continued, trying to get me ready.

"Ok, well today will be another first for you. One thing we women have to do when we go to formal events is to make sure we don't have any hair on us. That's why I had you shave your legs. And, to add to the effect, to make our legs look really nice, which men like, we need to wear pantyhose. So today, you're going to wear your first pair."

Mom gave me a pair of white pantyhose and had me sit down on her bed and showed me how to get into them.

"They're a bit hot" I said after getting them on.

"Well, Jennifer, it's part of the price we women pay for looking like we do, and looking good for the men in our lives." She answered.

I thought on that statement, then I asked her a question.

"Mom, is being a girl always about doing things that please men, or dressing to please them? Don't we have a say in how we look without looking a certain way for them?" I asked.

"Well, Jennifer, we really don't have a lot of time to talk about that now, but for a short answer, it's still a mans world out there. A lot of the people in the fashion business are still men, and they design to accentuate a womans body, so that a man can enjoy looking at the woman. And, that's just the way it is. Men like to look at women, and if you're going to be a female, dear, you need to get used to that, and understand that looking good for your man is just something that goes along with the package and something you need to accept."

She paused for a moment.

"But we don't have any time to debate this. Let's get you into your dress and do your hair and makeup" she said coming back to reality.

Mom had the dress she had bought me laid out on her bed. I felt like something on an assembly line, but I guess mom wanted to make sure that nothing was left to chance. She had told me she wanted to help me since this was a formal event and she wanted me to look my best.

Mom helped me into the dress, and then it was back to her vanity where she brushed my hair, and did my makeup next. After that was done, she got out a heart pendant on a chain and put it on me. Finally she had me slip into the shoes she had bought for me. Then it was back to her mirror.

"Now, Jennifer, look. What do you think?" she asked.

It was utter shock. I REALLY looked like a girl. I stood there not knowing what to think; liking what I saw, REALLY liking what I saw.

I turned to her and said, "Mom, I really look like a girl!"

"How do you like that?" she asked.

"It's unbelievable!" I said turning back and looking in the mirror again. "The hair, the makeup, the outfit, its unbelievable" I replied.

"You already said that" she said. "But do you like it? How does SHE like it?"

"SHE?" I asked.

"The girl in the mirror. How does SHE like seeing herself this way? Getting to come out and express herself?"

As I thought about her question and looked in the mirror. I knew that SHE, the girl inside me, desperately liked it. A calm feeling came over me. I knew I, she, was getting to do exactly what we needed to do.

"Mom, we like it" I said slowly and camly. "I'm getting to be me. It feels nice; it feels like who I should be."

Mom took it all in. She could see it went way past the clothes, but she could also see that I liked the clothes too. Well, that's how a girl feels. She likes herself, plus she likes the clothes that make her feel pretty and look good. Mom could tell the feelings of being, feeling female, were definitely there.

"Well good" she said, "maybe we're seeing who you really are Jennifer. Now let's finish you up with a little perfume. Your sister and dad are getting ready too. I have to finish getting dressed. Why don't you go downstairs and watch some TV and talk to them while I finish. But don't eat or drink anything. We don't want to take a chance and ruin what we've done."

I hugged mom before I left and thanked her for understanding.

My sister and dad were downstairs with the TV already on. When they saw me come in the living room, they did a double-take.

"Wow sis, you look great!" said Carol. "No brother ever looked that good".

Dad gave her a poke in the side and a sidelong glance.

"Really, Jennifer, you look very nice. How do you like it?" she asked.

"I like it" I replied. "Dad, how do you like the way I look?" I asked.

I could tell my father was looking me all over, shocked and surprised.

"A very complete job.. very nice.. if I didn't know.." he started to say, whereupon Carolyn returned the favor and ribbed him.

He came back to his senses and finished with, "Very nice Jennifer. You'll look fine at the wedding."

Mom finally came down the steps and brought me my purse and hat. Everything matched and it looked great.

*****

We got to the church about a half hour before the ceremony. It was a bevy of activity. Mom wanted to get there to socialize a bit. Carol, dad, and I sat there in the pew while people came over and talked to us. Moms and their daughters, kids I knew, came over. And while they didn't say anything, I could tell they were sizing me up. We had gone to that church long enough that people knew our family. What were they thinking, I wondered? Mom told me not to say much, and I took her lead. Finally the ceremony started. I saw the wisdom in mom's timing. A half hour didn't give people much time to quiz me, but it gave us enough time to be there on-time.

The ceremony started promptly and I heard the organ in the background play the opening music. The bridesmaids walked down the aisle as I had seen before. Finally, the all familiar music played. Everyone stood while the bride walked down the aisle to her impending event.

As I watched her walk down the aisle, I noticed she was strikingly beautiful. There are nice looking women, and then, there are beautiful women. She was the latter. My gaze then went past her face and took in the total package. She filled out the dress so nicely. I was jealous with envy. I looked at her, and then compared myself to her, and although I felt nice as who I was and how I was dressed, I felt so beneath her. I wasn't ready to get married, but yet at the same time, I wished I were her. I wished I were a female and could experience that one day as a female. My thoughts went briefly back to Jeffrey, and I had a feeling of total disgust for him.

The ceremony was short. It's funny. Weddings are played up as real big events, but the ceremony itsself is fairly short and simple. A few words, and the affair is over. We didn't stay for the reception and returned home after talking a little with the other people there.

*****

"Well, Jennifer" mom said after we got home, "How did you like the wedding?".

"It was beautiful. The bride was beautiful." I replied stopping in thought.

"Mom, you want to know something?" I continued.

"What is it" she asked.

"I wished I could be the bride." I said. Since everything was out in the open, I wanted to make sure she understood how deep the feelings were.

"I wondered about that, honey. You never know" she said.

  

  

Chapter 6: One foot in front of the other

The wedding had been over for a week or so, and by this time, my parents were coming to realize that I had a real problem on my hands, and so did they. It was obvious that getting to be Jennifer for the summer had been a good experience for everyone, because they had gotten to see who I was, and who I wanted and needed to become.

Dad was a bit guarded. It was obvious he hoped things would go back to what they were before, but Mom had convinced him to be open-minded, and that this was about me finding out who I was. Also, thanks to the Internet, they had done searches about other transsexuals, and found out that this "problem" was not just ours, but was going on around the world with other families just like ours.

Mom was a refuge who I was glad to have on my side. While she had been cautious also, she took a less black and white stance on things than Dad did, and had always been a person willing to listen to both sides of a story. Along with Dad, mom and I had also done Internet browsing together. She wanted as much information as she could get if reaching a decision on a treatment was necessary. We had both been awed at the results that some of the girls who started treatment at a young age had been able to achieve.

One night we were having a family night of playing games as we often did. The summer vacation was almost over, and Mom and Dad had wanted to have an opportunity to talk about what was possible, and where this was going to go.

"It's obvious, Jennifer, that the human body can be molded into a very female appearance, if treatment is started early enough." My mother said as we were playing cards.

"Well, that's obvious." I replied. "Look at how you and Carol look" I said.

"Yes honey, but we're natural females. It's to be expected. But after reading the information on the Web, it's obvious that your body can be made to look just as female as ours, with early intervention, hormones, and surgery, if that's where you need to go. Now I see why the doctor put you on the testosterone blocker. It keeps your body ready for feminization, if we agree that that's what you need to do."

I sat there and thought about that statement, about changing into a girl.

"Jennifer," Dad said "if that's really who you want to be, then we need to act now before your body starts doing things that need to be corrected later. I've listened to your mother through all of this; she has helped me to try and look at this objectively, from your point of view and need. I think I've done a fair job of that. I never thought I'd be having this type of discussion with my family, and with my son, but here I am. But I have to ask you.. are you really sure about this? I mean, you're young. You're only 11. Sometimes kids get confused. This is one of those types of decisions that you can't say, "oh gee, I made a mistake, let's take it back.". Jennifer, or Jeffrey, are you sure this is what you want?"

"Dad," I said as we dealt the next hand, "mom and Carol have helped me to explore what it's like to be a girl, and a sister. And I have to tell you, honestly, that I liked how that felt. I really enjoyed it; it's me. It's not that I hate you or anything, but I've just found I like being a girl. I like how I've gotten to be treated over the summer. All of this has just confirmed what I felt before. Dad, I NEED to be a girl."

"Well," Dad continued, "I never thought that it would be that easy for, an almost 12 year old boy, to look like a girl like you have, but I've found out about that too. I've also found out that that's because your puberty hasn't started, and that's another reason why if you're going to be a girl, we need to act now. It's obvious where this can go after seeing the girls on the Internet, that if you want to pursue this, you'll probably turn out to be an attractive young woman. But, this is something you have to really be sure about."

Then Dad hit me with everything he had, as a sort of shock treatment. This was his final stand; his way to try to shock me back to reality; to test me; to see if this was really where I needed to go.

"Jennifer, are you ready to have your penis cut off, and have a vagina like your mother and sister? Are you ready to start taking hormones and grow breasts like your mother and sister and wear a bra? You'll be wearing womens clothes for the rest of your life. There's no going back once you do this. And are you ready to be treated like a girl for the rest of your life? It's a mans' world out there and women are ignored to an extent, although I think a woman can do pretty much what she wants to anymore. Are you ready for all that? That's what you're asking for."

It didn't take long for me to think about my answer. Yes, I was only 11, but I had had fantasies about those things many times before. Since Dad had hit me with everything he had, I decided to show him I was serious by doing the same thing.

"Daddy," I said as I went over and hugged my mom, "it's what I want. For your information, I've thought about having a girls body, in every way you just described. I've looked through moms fashion magazines, and I've wished that I were the girls inside. I've felt cheated. And yes, I've thought about having a vagina and breasts just like Mom and Carol. And Daddy, for your information, I've seen the feminine products ads in moms magazines, and I've wished I could menstruate just like any other girl. Oh Daddy, you just don't know how many times I've thought about all of it and wanted it. Daddy, I NEED to be a girl. I don't want to go back."

His piercing words had made me start to cry. Mom and Carol were looking at me. I went over to Dad and hugged him.

"Oh Daddy," I said with my head on his shoulder and sobbing softly, "you always told us we need to pursue something when its part of us and its what we really feel inside. I really feel this inside. Let me be your daughter. All I want is to be is your little girl."

Dad sat there quietly for a few seconds. His defenses were shattered. He had tried to shock me, but I had stood my ground. He thought back to the many websites we had been to, and how girls like me had expressed exactly the same feelings. He thought about how those words "it's just part of me" had been written. It was obvious to him that if others were saying the same things, that this was not something happening by chance. And he could tell I was dead serious. It was crystal clear that this was something I needed to do.

"Well, I'll say this" he continued. "I've taken a cautious position, hoping things would go back to what they were. I didn't totally treat you like a girl, and I didn't discourage it either, because the doctor and mom said you needed to explore your feelings. We kept your old clothes in storage just in case this is just a phase. Now, I think I see this isn't a phase, its part of you, and becoming a girl and my daughter is what you really want and need to do. So, I think if you feel that strongly about it, we need to have you start treatment immediately, with the doctors approval of course. But, I want one thing clear. I won't stand in the way, but I'm also going to demand that from now on, with doctors orders of course, that you live as a girl, be treated as a girl, 100% of the time. No exceptions. From now on, you'll get your wish. From now on, you're my daughter. And for starters, that means we're going to go get your clothes and they're getting thrown away, every last piece. And that means you're going to start wearing female clothes all the time. We're not talking about just a trial period, we're talking about all the time. And that will start immediately, wearing skirts, dresses, panties, bras, everything according to what being a girl means. And that also means being treated like a girl, at school too. You're lucky we live in a neighborhood where there aren't a lot of kids. You've been insulated from what others might think. But if this is what you want, you're going to have to deal with that too, all the time. And this year you'll be 12, and going into Jr. High. That's an age where boys and girls start noticing each other. It's an awkward time, and then add to it, you'll be starting your change. If you choose this, I'm not going to listen to a lot of crying about what's going on. If you want to be able to make this decision, then you're going to have to live with the consequences. Are you prepared to do that? Oh, and if you ever decide that this isn't what you want, then we can go back to the way things were, but I NEVER want to hear another word about not being a girl. You're getting your chance right now. So, you better make sure this is what you want, because I won't give you another chance after this. Do we understand each other?".

It was a long speech. Dad never could say anything without using a lot of words. But, there it was. Dad was laying it on the line. I looked at mom for support, but she was with him.

"He's right, honey," mom said supporting dad. "I'm not sure I'd have used that firm of a tone with you, but your dad is absolutely right. This is something that is life-changing. You'll get to be a girl, honey, but if you see it through, you'll be a female for the rest of your life. Dad and I both agreed that if you really needed to do this, we'll treat you as our daughter, but it's going to happen 24 hours a day with no exceptions. You're sure this is what you want?"

I thought about what I had gotten to do, and how I'd been treated. I LIKED it. I needed to experience more.

"Yes, Mother, I think I'm sure." I replied.

"Carolyn," mom said looking at my sister who had been silent, "how do you feel about having a sister instead of a brother?"

"I guess I really don't have a lot of say on what happens. We're talking about Jennifer getting to be happy, aren't we? Why should I be able to say what makes her happy? It's her life, not mine."

"That's true, honey" mom responded, "but how do you feel about having a sister?"

"Well, I've rather enjoyed it over the summer. I always wanted to have a sister, and I think I'd like it fine."

"And how do you like being Carolyns sister, Jennifer?" mom turned asking me.

"I've enjoyed it. Especially when we went to the Zoo and the amusement park."

"Well Linda" dad said, "I guess we see how things are. I think it will take some adjusting, but it seems like we need to move forward. Call the doctor. Let's see what she has to say."

We finished playing cards, and then decided to go to bed. Mom was going to call the doctor in the morning. But before we went to bed, mom told me to come upstairs with her."

"Honey, I wanted to ask you two final things, before I called the doctor."

"Ok,", I replied.

"First of all honey, as a transsexual woman, I want to make it clear to you that it won't be possible for you to menstruate. The doctors can do a lot for you, but giving you female organs isn't one of them. As far as we're concerned, you'll be our daughter, but having periods like your sister and I won't be possible for you. And the second thing is that because of this, you can't get pregnant. By having this treatment, you won't be able to have children. That's a big decision. Have you thought about that?" she asked.

"Yes," I said. "Having a baby is something I've thought about. I would like to have periods like you and Carolyn, and I have thought about that, and not being able to have a baby. But, I guess, if I don't do this, I won't get to live the way I want to live, as your daughter. I guess if I get to that point, I can always adopt a baby, can't I?"

"I hope so" she said. "There are a lot of children out there who need love. So you're ok with all of this? It is something serious to think about."

"Yes, I think so" I said.

"Well, then, you go to bed sweetheart. I'll call the doctor tomorrow. We'll see if we can't get things started."

We hugged, and I went upstairs to my room, thinking about the future.

*****

Two days later we were in Dr. Rachel Williams office. It was the last week of summer vacation, and I thought it was a good way to end the vacation; to get to do what I wanted to do. The thought crossed my mind about everybody talking about what they did on their summer vacation.

"So Jennifer," Dr. Williams said to me, "how did you like all the experiences as a young girl?"

"I liked them all," I said.

"And how did you like being closer to your mother and sister?"

"I really liked that" I added, looking at my mother affectionately.

Then Mom recanted what I had said two nights ago. Dr. Williams thought about that, and then asked me some direct questions.

"I just want to make sure I understand. What we're talking about will give you a female body, including growing breasts, and having your penis turned into a vagina. You understand that, right? Your mom said you two went to some websites and looked at the results of other transsexual girls – and what their bodies looked like after the surgery. You're ok with that happening to you?" she asked.

"Dr. Williams" I said, "girls private parts are beautiful, and mine, well, its disgusting."

"I see" she said as she leaned back in her chair. "Well, with everything you've told me, and considering how you feel, and the fact that you've gotten to be a girl this summer, I'm going to recommend that we start things right now so that you can become the girl you want to be. Ok with you?".

"Yes, absolutely" I said.

"Ok then," she said as she started writing something down on a pad of paper. "Here's a prescription for estrogen and progesterone. Jenny, these are your hormones, and when you start taking these hormones, your body, and your life, will start to change."

She handed the paper to my mother.

"Take good care of your daughter, Mrs. Rogers. She has a lot to learn. But the good thing is that she's young. I think, considering her age, we can expect a normal female development."

"We will, doctor" she replied.

"Good. And one more thing. How is Jennifer setup for school?" Dr. Williams asked.

"Setup for school?" Dad asked.

"Yes, that needs to be considered now that Jennifer is under my care and is going to start hormone therapy." Dr. Williams said.

"Well, we told Jennifer she had to be herself 24 hours a day, and even at school, with no exceptions." my Dad answered.

"That's good" Dr. Williams replied. "Yes, Jennifer is going to have to be dressing as a girl all the time. After all, becoming a woman is what this is all about, and that's what girls do. However, the potential exists for some of the kids not understanding and making trouble for Jennifer. I don't think that will happen immediately, because Jennifers body hasn't started changing yet. But it will, and Mrs. Rogers, you know exactly how that's going to happen. When it does, some kids will be ok with just letting it happen, but others may find Jennifer repulsive and they may harass her. I want to try to help Jennifer avoid the latter. It might be good if you keep in mind that changing schools might be necessary in the future. I'm not saying it definitely will be that way, but if things get heated over this, the time might come when it needs to be done."

"What do you suggest then, doctor?" Dad asked.

"I would talk to the principal and be up-front with him or her. He or she may not have dealt with this situation before, and may need to talk to me. If you'd like, I could attend a meeting you setup with the principal where we could discuss what's going to start happening.

And with that, we drove over to the pharmacy and got my hormones. I was on my way.

   

  

  

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